DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently stumbled on your article on being an older virgin from a Google search. I have been morbidly obese all my life, and I am a virgin at 41. I am putting all my energy into an aggressive weight loss program at the minute, as well as addressing other issues in my life. In preparation of my weight-loss regimen, I stacked up on Men’s Health mags. I read constantly on all aspects of life. Which includes sexuality.
In preparation of my new bod, I decided to tackle the Men’s Health Big Book of Sex. I plan on losing my virginity with my new bod. I know that getting laid won’t be an issue, because there a lot of options out there. Unfortunately, reading the aforementioned Book of Sex, I found out something i never realized before. The male penis angles on erection to hit the G-Spot. It’s angled the most at the ages between 20 and 30. After that, it loses its angle gradually. In addition, there are other flaws that begin to hinder male sexuality including increased refraction times, etc.
My question now is; is it even worth it to lose my virginity after 40? The woman I am with certainly won’t be as happy with my biological shortcomings (no pun intended) and I’m not so sure I will be as happy with them either.In addition, it seems all the best years of sex are now far behind me on the field of life. I never have dated, or even kissed, a woman. That means all the memories I could have had of being 18 and in love, or 20 and in love, etc. are gone. And the physical element of my sexuality is slowly being destroyed as well. Should I even try at this point?
Waited Too Long
DEAR WAITED TOO LONG: You need to ditch the book, WTL because you’re getting some bad advice and it’s going to your head. All those “biological shortcomings” you’re thinking of are bulls
t and it’s just scaring you out of pursuing the life and goals you’ve always wanted.
Let’s start with the angle of yer dangle: it means precisely diddly-squat when it comes to pleasing women. Here’s the part that apparently got left out of the manual there: most women don’t – and some can not – achieve orgasm from penetration. In fact, the obsession with penetration and the idea that this is the real or “right” way to make women come is why a lot of guys are really bad in bed. While you will occasionally find someone who does get off from penile penetration, most women aren’t going to, regardless of whether your penis is at an angle, straight ahead, curved like a banana or bent like a twisty straw. And just like penises are different, every woman’s vagina is going to be different too. Just as some guys are large and wide and others are narrow and short, women’s vaginas are going to be differing sizes and lengths. There isn’t going to be one “perfect” angle because deviance is the norm when it comes to your junk.
Not to denigrate my fellow penis-havers, but the magic stick ain’t all that magical. Here’s what will help women get off: deep, full kissing, using your hands and fingers and good oral sex. That, more than anything else, is going to be what it takes to please a woman.
You know what else is going to please her? Listening skills. Being able to take direction with an open mind and a willingness to learn; when a woman tells you “do this there, touch me like that, use this amount of pressure”, they want you to do exactly that and not be the guy – like so many others they’ve slept with – who’ll keep doing what they were doing before or stop doing what they asked and do something else. Other things you can do: get comfortable with using toys. Try new ways of having sex that don’t prioritize penetration. And, critically: not losing your damn mind if things don’t go perfectly. Refraction times aren’t a problem when you’ve got two hands and a can-do attitude. A penis that doesn’t perform the way you might want in the moment is nothing compared to a guy who isn’t threatened by a Magic Wand or a Silver Bullet.
Seriously man: you’ve been putting in a lot of hard work and that’s admirable, but you’re spending more time convincing yourself that you’re going to fail before you even try. All you’re doing is robbing yourself of your future happiness by inventing new and bulls
t ways to be miserable. Love doesn’t mean less because you found it in your forties instead of your twenties. Sex isn’t less good because you didn’t start as a tween. You didn’t “miss out”, you’re not getting “second class” love and affection.
All that’s happening is you’re going to be dealing with love and sex at a time when you have more life experience and emotional maturity than other people did. Spend less time thinking about what you could or “should” have had and take that time and energy looking forward to the amazing things you will have.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Let’s get my basic history out of the way: I am a 23-year-old guy with at least two mental disorders. I spent a few years after high school unemployed, and just now started a job in retail. I never had a girlfriend in high school, and I’ve been on exactly one date my whole life (to see Iron Man 3). I still live with my family, and I don’t know how to drive. I’m also a singer in my church band (a Christian visiting a website about dating and sex, yeah yeah.).
The other day, I came to a rather depressing realization: this is what the rest of my life is going to be.
The rest of my existence is going to be spent at work and at home, and being at Walmart for nine hours means I’m not really interested in leaving the house for anything. I don’t drink and I hate loud noise, so bars and clubs are out. Even if I moved out and learned to drive, none of that would change.
All the friends I’ve ever made have scattered to the four winds; I no longer have anyone to hang out with in person. I don’t think that coworkers and customers can be friends, so as far as I can tell, I’m never going to be able to make new ones.
And a confession: I’m a hopeless romantic. Even if I never believed I could maintain one, I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship. Not a crazy girl who drags me out of my shell, but someone who’s willing to join me in it. But, well, you have to be friends first, and since I don’t have any way of making friends in my age group (everyone in church is middle-aged [and married] or underaged), I don’t feel like I’ll ever have a chance to meet someone.
Honestly, though, I feel like it should be ridiculous that I’m even upset by this. It ultimately doesn’t really matter if I never make a friend or find love. But in the moment, it’s depressing as hell to realize that you’re going to be completely alone for the rest of your life.
All Out of Love
DEAR ALL OUT OF LOVE: Dude. Dude.
You are twenty three. You aren’t at the end of the road, you’re starting your life right now. The odds that your life is going to be exactly the same for the next 50 to 70 years with no changes is so infinitesimal that I don’t think we actually have numbers to express it.
Unless, that is, you don’t do anything.
Fun thing is that you are the driver of your own destiny, the captain of your future. You and you alone are in the position to shape what the years to come will be. So if you choose to not change your circumstances, then yes, nothing will change. But that will be because of the choices you’ve made, not because you’ve been uniquely screwed by God, the Universe, the Force or Loki Laufeyson.
So if you want things to be different, then it’s on you to make things different. And unlike a lot of people: you’re in a strong position to make some changes. You’re relatively debt free. You, from the sound of things, have few regularly recurring expenses. This means that you’re in a position to actually pull up stakes and make massive changes in your life with greater ease than a lot of other people.
I want you to imagine a future you actually want to have. Picture it in all it’s technicolor glory. Maybe it’s a girlfriend or wife and the house with the white picket fence. Maybe it’s more friends and an active social life. It may be a new job that doesn’t suck the life out of you. And once you can see it so vividly that you can reach out and touch it: write down how you’re going to get there. Take up a pen and some paper – because writing by hand activates a different part of your brain than typing – and start writing down concrete steps that will get you to where you want to be. Things that you aren’t doing now.
You might start by learning to drive; even if you don’t have a car, having your driver’s license opens up avenues to you that you don’t currently have. If the day comes that you decide you want the flexibility that a car can bring you, you’ll be ready. Another may be socking away money into a savings account so you have a cushion for your future. Putting part of your paycheck towards a new place to live or even a new city to move to will give you something you can point to and say “see? SEE? I’m building towards something.” It’ll also give you safety and security to find another job that doesn’t suck like a jet-powered vacuum cleaner.
You might start by making a point of making new friends – actively seeking them out instead of waiting for them to drop into your lap. Contrary to what you think, your co-workers can make good friends, and even if they’re not your future bestest of buds, they can introduce you to new people who might. They can expose you to new and exciting opportunities – for socializing, for networking, for getting out of the rut you’ve found yourself in and for dating. And if for whatever reason you can’t be friends with them… you can find friends elsewhere. Join local clubs and meet-ups. Find a church with a younger, more vibrant community that speaks to you. Go out and do stuff because not doing anything between going to work and going home isn’t going to change things.
And don’t assume that going to bars and clubs or drinking is required for friendship or romance. There are many, many places where you can meet amazing women that don’t involve going to places you hate.
You aren’t stuck being forever alone dude. All that’s happened is that you’ve given up. And if that’s what you want to do, that’s cool. But it doesn’t sound like it to me.
So if you want to change that future you’re picturing, you’re going to have to get back up and start taking active control of your life instead of assuming that it’s all been carved in stone. Because it hasn’t. You’re in control. You have options. You have potential. Just reach out and take it.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org)