DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a long time reader and I’ve never needed personalized advice before (happy enough to read your advice to others), but here we are.

I have been dating Alpha for three years and a half now. We started having the best sex of our lives and then discovered we were meant for each other. He is intellectually stimulating in a way my former partners weren’t, he is caring (puts up pretty well with my ups and downs), he makes me laugh and he loves me unconditionally. These things have been there from the start and still are.

However, he’s also got pretty big family issues, he was depressed and addicted to drugs in the past and he probably has some kind of mental health problem – a mood disorder, I’d say. He refuses to seek help because of bad past experiences with psychiatrists and psychologists.

I’m 28 and he’s 26. I’ve got a degree, a nice job, plans for the future, lots of hobbies and tons of friends. He finished high school, dropped out of college, has no work experience, has isolated himself from his friends and, since we’re together, spends his time smoking joints, playing video games/instruments, reading and working on a crazy startup project (already for 2 years) which doesn’t look profitable at all.

I’m the caretaker type and I’ve reeeally tried. I’ve paid for a psychologist, but he stopped going. I’ve offered him love and all the space he needs (he’s a bit antisocial). About a year ago, I started feeling deeply unhappy: we spent almost no time together, no time with my friends ever and he talked all the time about moving together but didn’t seem to be getting anywhere with job/studies. I tried to talk to him many times, even sent him a letter. Nothing worked.

I recently moved out of my parents’ place, sick of waiting for him to get a job.

And then it happened. I went to a music festival and reconnected with a great friend, Bravo. I kind of liked him at university, but he was so difficult, and still is. Amazing, creative, fun to party with, a music connoisseur… but at 31 he’s still trying to finish his degree, has almost no work experience and is a bit of a mess. See a pattern there?

We started talking a lot, dancing and ended up making out while drunk. I felt so guilty. And Bravo doesn’t even remember!

The thing is Bravo and I have been having this weird story for 10 years. All we have had are drunken hookups because he was always so weird and I’ve always thought he found me hot, but he wasn’t interested. Sex has never been great cause he was always so drunk, too. I recently asked Bravo if he was interested in me at university and he was, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask if it was love or lust.

I was the first person with whom he cheated on his only girlfriend. I once kissed him while in a relationship crisis and broke up with the guy the next day. And now this: I’m in a crisis, and here he comes again.

After making out with Bravo and with another random guy, I told Alpha I needed a break. He didn’t think it was a good idea, suddenly realized how unfair he had been to me and surprise! the miracle happened. He got a job, he moved in with me and he started hanging out with my friends. He more or less forgave my infidelity, although he doesn’t know who it was with.

Fast forward two months and Alpha been having problems with getting paid. The little he’s got goes to the startup. I pay for everything. And he refuses to look for another job till they pay him, giving himself excuses. He tries to be tidy and clean around our home, but it’s not his nature. He tries to hang out with my friends, but I can tell he doesn’t enjoy it.

And last weekend I went partying. Bravo was there. My best friend and him are starting something long distance, and I’m happy for them – they’re a bit of a mess, but it might work. They’re two of my favorite people.

While drinking some shots, Bravo told me he’s starting to really like my best friend, and he doesn’t want to, he’s scared, since he always screws these things up. I told him he should really try this time, and also that I wish my boyfriend was partying with us, that things were better and that I loved him very much. We were happy for each other.

One hour later we were unspeakably drunk, kissing each other like teenagers and having to restraint ourselves not to go home together. We were even caressing and all fluffy.

And now I can’t stop thinking about Bravo, about our conversations and about having sex with him. He hasn’t texted me, but has replied to a text I couldn’t help sending. I don’t think Bravo feels the same way, he likes my best friend and it’s so difficult for him to like a girl.

So here I am. Alpha loves me deeply and has started to change (the job!!!), but it seems it’s not enough, and that he’s just doing it for me, not because he really wants to. I don’t want to leave him just when he’s trying so hard and make him move back with his family. I also don’t want to be unfaithful and I’m getting close to that every day.

And Bravo is starting something with my best friend. I don’t think I can compete with her, she’s great at charming guys. And I also don’t want to, since Bravo is basically like Alpha, the same red flags. Just a bit more of a party animal and more social, that’s it. And with a story of infidelity and fear of commitment, which makes him way worse than Alpha. Even if my body and feelings tell me so, I don’t want a relationship with him.

But what’s wrong with us? Why can’t we seem to move on after 10 years and still come back to each other even when it’s the worst idea ever?

What can I do, Doctor? I’m a bit desperate.

Attracted to Peter Pans

DEAR ATTRACTED TO PETER PANS: As similar as Alpha and Bravo are, you’ve got two different issues going on. But let’s start with Alpha.

Alpha is the classic definition of “wasted potential”. It’s not that he’s stupid, shiftless or otherwise a bad guy… it’s just that, at the end of the day, he has no ambition or motivation. He’s in a rut… and he likes his rut. It’s comfortable there. It doesn’t make any real demands of him. And that’s where he’s going to stay, an object at rest until acted upon by an outside force. It’s significant that he only started to change after you said you needed a break: up until now, his coasting along had no consequences. Suddenly, he’s faced with an existential threat to his relationship with you and he realizes that if he wants to date you, then things need to change!

And so they do. For a little while. The problem is that Alpha likes his ruts and he’s starting to settle into a new one. He may not be stoner slacker he used to be, but he’s gone back into autopilot again. He’s done enough to assure himself that the threat to his relationship has been removed and now he’s ready to get back to coasting. And that’s where he’s going to stay until there’s yet another threat to motivate him again.

But really, why shouldn’t he? As it is, there are no downsides to his behavior. He’s got you paying all of the bills and taking care of him like he’s a child. He’s got his minimal-effort life, just the way he likes it.

The problem is that he’s not a child, you’re not his mom and, frankly, you’ve got your own life to lead. It’s not your job to keep cracking the whip on him every time he’s about to settle into a new comfy rut. That way lies the path to resentment and bitterness on both sides: for you because you keep having to manage his life for him, and for him because suddenly you’re the taskmistress and harridan that keeps him from enjoying a fine indica and some Red Dead Redemption 2 marathons.

Then there’s Bravo. Bravo is like that song that gets stuck in your head. You may not think about it for years, but suddenly there it is again, that little refrain you keep hearing on repeat. The reason why those refrains get stuck in our head is because they’re incomplete; you didn’t get the closure of hearing the entire song so now you’ve just got the hook running in a constant loop. Like an earworm, Bravo is unfinished business. Yeah, you’ve had your drunken makeouts, but the emphasis has been on “drunk”. You two are clearly attracted to one another, but neither of you is willing to act on that attraction without the benefits of a little social lubrication. Maybe it’s because you recognize that Bravo is ultimately a bad scene and that there can’t be anything but a fling. Maybe it’s because neither of you is willing to take ownership of your attraction and need the convenient excuse of “what’s in that drink?” But whatever the reason is, Bravo is, in his own way, like Alpha: wasted potential. A potential good time, granted. But still only potential.

So what now?

Well, if I’m perfectly honest, my advice would be to ditch both of them. You’re presenting this as a choice between Alpha and Bravo and frankly, that’s a false dichotomy.

Alpha’s potential is vast, but he doesn’t need a girlfriend so much as a manager; he needs someone to put boot to ass and make him remember that he’s a grown-ass adult who has responsibilities. At the end of the day, the only thing that seems to motivate him is to hold the relationship hostage, and that’s not good for anyone. As awesome as Alpha may be otherwise, he’s going to be a millstone around your neck. Having to be responsible for him is going to make it that much harder to live your own life. Life is hard enough when you’re trying to live it on your own. Having to live it for two – especially for someone who doesn’t want to be an active participant – is just too much to ask. Even parents understand that at the end of the day, your job is to stop being a parent. Alpha needs to fly on his own, not drago you down with him.

Bravo on the other hand, is mostly appealing by contrast. Yeah, you two may have sizzling chemistry together, but right now his biggest draw is that he’s the opposite of Alpha. He’s dynamic where Alpha is passive, but that’s honestly about where it ends. And considering how many times that Bravo has cheated, or come close to cheating on his partners… well, I hope I shouldn’t have to point out that this it’s own box of red flags. Sure, they’ve all been with you… but that’s still a bad sign. He blows up every relationship he’s been in, and if he were to actually start one with you, then odds are that this pattern will continue to repeat itself.

Your best option is to leave both of them behind you and find yourself a guy who’s worth dating. Someone who’s emotionally healthy, has some actual ambition and drive and has his life together. Someone who isn’t like either of these guys in your life.

Really, if I were to be blunt, I’d say that you should dump Alpha, finally bang Bravo sober and then move the hell on. You deserve better than both of these guys, ATPP; you should find yourself a man instead of a couple of boys.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a situation that’s been in my head for days.

Thing is: I’ve been in the relationship with this girl. We’ve dated for few months, haven’t done anything further than kissing. Days ago I saw a receipt inside a bag, it turned out my girlfriend had bought a pregnancy test from a local shop. I was kinda shock and decided to do some Googling about the situation. Now, I don’t know if there is any other use of a pregnancy test, I haven’t talked to her about this. But is it what I think that is? Has she been with another guy?

Before I go ask her about this and try to understand the situation in a polite way, I just wanna hear some words from you Doc.

Thank you.

Jerk Brain Running In Circles

DEAR JERK BRAIN RUNNING IN CIRCLES: I think my first question would be… are you sure you’re in a relationship with her? If you’ve been on a few dates and all you’ve done is kiss, then I’d be kind of curious to know exactly how she would define the relationship. To be sure, everyone gets to define their relationship how they want and if that’s just how you two roll for now then more power to you… but this wouldn’t be the first time that I’ve heard someone who rounded up their situation to “dating” when the other person didn’t see it that way.

My second question would be: have you two ever actually had the exclusivity talk? I’ve also run into issues where one partner thought they were exclusive simply by dint of having gone on so many date; the other partner didn’t see it that way.

But let’s assume the answer to both is “yes”. In that case… well, I still don’t have any real answers for you because hey, I’m not there. There are plenty of reasons why she might have bought a pregnancy test that don’t mean that she’s cheating: she may well have slept with someone before the two of you got together and suddenly realized she was late. She may be buying it for a friend or family member who’s having a pregnancy scare but can’t get a pregnancy test for a multitude of reasons.

Or she slept with someone while you two were dating and now she’s worried that she may have gotten knocked up.

The only way you’re going to get an answer is to talk to her, not me.

If you want to know – and you may not want to know – is to ask her. But that’s up to you. I would suggest that the two of you have a “where is this relationship going” talk; at the very least, you should make sure that you’re both on the same page. But as for why she got the test? You’re going to have to decide for yourself how badly you want that answer, or if you’d be happier shoving that down the memory hole and pretending you didn’t see anything. Especially if it was a one-time mistake and not a pattern of behavior.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I got a message from a friend saying she was back in town for the foreseeable future, working just along from me, and wanted to meet up for friendly drinks.

What she doesn’t know is that about 4 years prior, at a low point when I was struggling (and losing, badly) against debilitating depression, shame and self-loathing, I developed a terrible, terrible case of oneitis for her after some awkward, post-night-out kissing. That was all it took to prompt me into an obsession that kept on for nearly two years. On the surface I was her awkward grumpy friend she once had a slip-up with, who she liked getting drunk and being weird with. But underneath, I was deeply unhappy, lonely, neurotic, having suicidal thoughts and obsessing over her every day. Oh, and we were work colleagues!

It was messed up, but thankfully things changed. She moved away, I started therapy, my life got a little better, slowly. I didn’t see her for a long time. I still thought about her sometimes, but when I heard she had started a serious relationship I was happy to have another reason to put her out of my mind. When a mutual friend tried to tell me they’d broken up, I just didn’t want to know. I just kept making progress, getting better at making the most of the ups and recovering from the downs. I still having a nonexistent love life and a lousy job, but I’m proud of the progress I’ve made, because I’ve started learning how to value my own feelings and enjoy being me, in spite of everything.

But now that she’s back and I’m staring down the idea of seeing her again, I’m realising that I never fully cured my oneitis, and I still feel inadequate when I think about seeing her. My mental health has taken a bit of a dive as a result. I know I don’t want to be with her but I’m still really attracted to her. I feel like I couldn’t possibly be myself around her. I feel like her opinion of me matters more than my own, like I need to please her but never could. Which is insane, because I haven’t felt this subservient to anyone else I’ve had feelings for, and because she was always a loving, supportive friend to me. It almost feels like I’m getting dragged backwards to that darker time in my life, just as I was learning how to trust myself.

What I want most is to stop worrying and just be as honest as possible with a view towards getting out of each other’s lives so I can let go of how I feel about her once and for all. After all that time apart it hardly feels like much of a loss. But I feel like a part of me is worried about hurting someone who was always just a kind, supportive friend, while another is scared of being judged by her. I’m also worried I won’t be able to properly explain this to her, or that it won’t give me the closure I’m hoping for, or that I’ll just be making the wrong move entirely.

The added kicker is that she isn’t to blame for any of this, and has no idea I ever felt this way. Every day we saw each other, I was lying about how I felt. I’m definitely ashamed of it, and kind of scared of making it all real by talking about it.

I suppose what I’m asking is, what’s the best way for me to resolve this thing and put old obsession behind me?

Link to The Past

DEAR LINK TO THE PAST: My question for you, LTTP, is “what does this woman represent to you?”

One of the reasons why we get stuck with a case of Oneitis  – getting hung up on one person who has no interest in dating us – is because we invest that person with meaning and importance that goes beyond who they are as a person. They aren’t just a human being to us any more; they’re the avatar of some specific belief or need that we feel is lacking in our lives. Many times it’s because we’ve invested so much in them emotionally that we can’t imagine life without them; we have made them so important that we treat them as our last and only hope for love. There may be millions of other women out there in the world, but there’re none like her, nobody who could possibly mean what she means or do what she does. She is the only person we could love or who could love us back.

Other times it’s because of what their presence in our lives means. She represents validation, especially if she’s socially desirable. Whether it’s her looks, her status, her fame, fortune or some other quality, the fact that she wants to date us means that we must be something special. It’s a way of saying “look at how awesome I am, because I can get a woman of this caliber.”

But the problem is that as much as people may want to round that feeling up to love… that ain’t it at all. It’s never about her as a person, it’s about what she represents. It’s about what’s lacking in your life.

So the first step to curing your Oneitis is to figure out what you are missing, LTTP. It sounds to me like what your friend represents is love, affection and support at a time when you desperately needed it. Throw in some sloppy make-outs, and it’s not hard to see why you link those feelings with her specifically. She was, in a way, a guardian angel for you, coming to you in your darkest hour. And because you invested so much importance and glorious purpose, you feel like you have to live up to a certain ideal for her. You feel as though you have to have this over-the-top life in order to be “worthy” of her, this woman who gripped you tight and pulled you from perdition. And so you’re in this double-bind. On the one hand, you want her because she represents that moment of passion. On the other, you fear that you aren’t good enough. So here you are, torn in two directions: obsessed with her but scared of disappointing her. Since she’s become this divine figure, her judgement is all-important. If she were to see you, measure you and find you wanting… well, wouldn’t that just be reaffirming that you’re nothing but scum who doesn’t deserve to crawl on this planet?

Here’s the thing though, LTTP: all of that isn’t true. It’s your own cosmology, this view that only exists in your head. It has nothing to do with reality or all the work that you’ve put in. And let’s make no mistake: you’ve put in a lot of work. Which, to be quite honest, makes your obsession and fear somewhat frustrating. You’re invalidating all the hard work you have done, the way that you have dragged yourself out of the muck because you don’t see that as being at all equivalent to one make-out session after a few too many drinks.

You need to start recognizing your own value, LTTP and the importance of how much you’ve done for yourself. The more that you can look at where you are and where you’ve come from, how hard you’ve fought and how much you’ve accomplished, the less you’ll feel that you need to supplicate yourself before her.

And just as importantly is that you need to recognize that this version of her you have in your mind right now doesn’t actually exist. You’ve put her on this pedestal and, in a way, invalidated her humanity. You’ve created this supernatural being in the place of a woman who farts, stubs her toe and gets zits, just like you do.

Hopefully, you’re still talking to your therapist. One of the best things you can do is talk about your friend with them and these complicated feelings that your friend’s return has brought up. That might get you some clarity and help resolve a little of the anxiety you’re feeling. Just as importantly, since they’re in a better position to judge where your head’s at, they’d be better able to tell you whether meeting up with your friend would be a good idea or not.

What I don’t think you need to do is explain any of this to her. Like you said: none of this is her fault, and dumping this on her is only going to cause unnecessary pain and confusion. That’s a cruel thing to do to someone who’s been trying to be a good and supportive friend to you. Instead, I think what you should do is work on accepting her as a person. A kind person, someone who clearly cares for you and has been a source of support… but just a person. Not somebody who’s opinion is more important than yours, not somebody who you need to impress or who has life-or-death power over your self-esteem. The more you can take her down from this pedestal you’ve erected and see her for who she really is, the less of an awesome and terrible figure she’ll be.

And at that point, you’ll be in a better position to know what happens next. Maybe you’ll be able to have a more honest friendship with her, free from the stresses of your Oneitis. Maybe the two of you will drift out of one another’s lives again, as sometimes happens.

But regardless of how your relationship evolves or changes, you’ll be free. You’ll have been able to let go of your oneitis and feel the strength and confidence you need to move forwards and find your own worth and validation.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How do you get women to respond and move from online dating to communicating on non-online dating means? I say this as I always read bios and use puns (not name related, bio related) and fill it with relevant information, but t never seems to do much good.

Each message is tailored towards the individual, I suppose I need a better approach. Now the big problem I have is by letting the conversation (when I get a reply) go waaaay too long and not getting the conversation off the dating site via a phone number or a Facebook account or something.

It couldn’t hurt to hit the gym, update my pictures and show off a little by getting some nice photos done in a scenic locale with a drone, just adding set dressing to the profile picture too.

Also I think I’ve gotten a little bored with online dating, it’s so disconnected from actual interaction that it’s difficult for me to care at all about it.

In addition, what are some good hobbies to make me more interesting to women, as so far, videogames, tabletop roleplaying games, reading, movies and old TV shows from the 70’s to early 2000’s aren’t exactly hot button topics as half the people I talk to haven’t even heard of the stuff that I like. This isn’t even obscure anime neither (although I love me my anime), it’s mainstream stuff…although I would be a very happy man If I could meet someone who liked the Viewtiful Joe or Chibi-Robo series…or even knew what they were as even my roleplaying buddies haven’t heard of either.

I could have more success when convention season rolls around again, potentially. This isn’t even really an aversion to getting absolutely drunk, as thats fun as hell! It’s about being able to connect with people when sober, be it over a computer screen or face-to-face.

I think part of my reasons for not being able to get dates is I’m actually fairly boring. I go to work, play my tabletop rpgs, play video games, write some source material for a book I’m writing, go to sleep, go to work etc.

Now I’m comfortable in the life I have, no complaints there but it sure could do with some excitement, and that would be more likely to draw women to me. Strange as it may seem, I should get into sewing, knitting, DIY, something practical as there’s nothing better than a freshly painted wall or some newly repaired socks.

Or I could go skydiving, deep sea diving or NASCAR driving (or at least stock car racing or something). Maybe a good mix of the dangerous and non-dangerous would be a good idea.

Anyway, if you have got any ideas for interesting hobbies then please let me know!

Thank you,

Ordinary Guy

DEAR ORDINARY GUY: OK OG, you’ve conflated about four different issues into one casserole of a dating crisis. The problem with this approach is that by mixing things all together like this, you’ve ended up obscuring the actualproblems and ended up inventing new ones for yourself.

I mean, you basically answered your own question in your second paragraph. Your biggest problem is that you don’t actually make your move when you have a chance. Now, in fairness, this is a problem a lotof guys have: they play it entirely too safe. They want to be 110% sure that there’s a connection and that the person they’re talking to is going to say “yes” when he asks her on a date. But not only is this neverassured, it ends up working against them. Emotions follow their own laws of physics, just like physical objects do. Call it NerdLove’s First Law of Emotional Dynamics: Attraction is an object in motion… and like an object in motion, it’s going to lose momentum if there’s nothing propelling it forward. Just as friction bleeds the momentum away from a physical object, time bleeds away the emotional momentum of attraction. If you aren’t driving that attraction forward, then that attraction is going to fade on its own.

That’s why it’s important to move things off the app and into the physical world as quickly as possible The longer you take to ask someone on a dating app for an actual date, the more likely it is that their attraction is going to fade and they’re going to end up going out with someone else. If you’ve had some solid back-and-forth conversations with someone you met on Tinder or OKCupid, then there’s no reason to notpropose meeting up. The worst that happens is that they say no, and then you’ve saved time and emotional energy that you would’ve squandered by waiting longer.

Your other questions are an indicator that either you’re approaching the wrong women or you’re having some issues with your own identity. One of the mistakes that a lot of guys make is that they think they have to live a specific lifestyle or have particular hobbies or achievements in order to date. The problem with this outlook is that it encourages guys to live inauthentic lives and pursue women that they’re not actually compatible with. It doesn’t do you any good to take up hobbies that you don’t actually like in order to meet women; even if you do start having more social success and meeting more women, you’re not necessarily meeting the right women for you. And trust me when I tell you from experience: there’s nothing more frustrating than when you’re meeting tons of people and none of them are actually people you can connect with.

You need to make a point of trying to find women that you’re actually compatible with, who you share commonalities and values with. One of the best ways to do this is to find ways of exploring your hobbies and interests in ways that brings you in contact with other people who share those interests. There are, after all, plenty of women out there who loves anime and video games and video games about anime. And if you like crafting or making things with your hands, then sure, knitting or sewing could be useful. You could even combine your interests and start getting into cosplay or constructing costumes and props for cosplayers.

If you legitimately want to find more hobbies to be more interesting, then by all means, do that. Finding new and interesting hobbies is a great way to build a more attractive lifestyle – even if it’s just for your own enjoyment. Just make sure that you’re exploring things that actually speak to you instead of trying to live somebody else’s idea of an attractive lifestyle. You want to present your best self, not somebody else’s.

And just as an aside: I realize you were probably making a joke about getting trashed in order to talk with women, but that’s… a bad idea. I speak from personal experience when I tell you that too much alcohol and flirting mix about as well as nitroglycerine and a centrifuge. Yeah, alcohol can be a social lubricant, but it’s really easy to end up with too much lubricant. And then you’ve got an even bigger mess on your hands.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I have been together for over six years. We’ve lived together for most of that time with my three children from a prior marriage. Our goal had always been marriage, as we had discussed it many times early on in our relationship, however over the years, it seems his fears grow and/or change.

He hates talking about feelings (his or mine) so we don’t get far in understanding his fears or addressing my insecurities. He has stated that he has trust issues from prior relationships, fears of divorce since he’s seen it all around him, that since I have been married before he doesn’t know if he can trust my stated feelings because I’ve felt that way previously. Plus, it just makes him uncomfortable to think about marriage and he doesn’t know why.

Now, other than his trust issues from a prior relationship, these reasons have just been added over time. Each year it’s something different on top of the prior trust issue. I find his reasons to be cop outs, honestly, but I’m trying to give him the time he needs to work his crap out. In the interim, as time passes, I can’t help but feel incredibly insecure that we have been together for 6+ years and he’s still not ready to fully commit to me. I have been clear on our goal from the beginning and haven’t veered off course. I want to be with this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I let him know consistently how I feel, and I reassure him in every possible way when he exhibits any insecurities about my feelings or my past. I ask if there is anything he wants or needs from me or the relationship and he states he has no issues and is happy with our life and wants to keep growing and moving forward. That all sounds great, but we aren’t moving in any direction. Our relationship is no closer to marriage then it was in year two. He states there isn’t anything I need to do or can do to help with his lingering trust issues, that it has nothing to do with me, but he also isn’t facing them on his own either.

I’ve considered that he just doesn’t want to marry me. He swears that’s not the case – that it’s not me, it’s just marriage. That’s hard to believe, because he was one that asked if I was jaded about marriage on our first date, because that’s something he wanted for his life. He gets angry when I call him out and say things like, “Just be honest and say you don’t want marriage so at least I can make the decision on my own whether or not that is okay with me.” He says he does want to marry me, he’s just not ready yet. I don’t want to pressure him into marriage, because I’m already insecure enough and don’t want to feel like he married me out of obligation. I want him to actually want to marry me.

I don’t know how to stay true to my feelings and on the path to the goal, while battling the insecurities that come along with this and not really knowing if my partner in this actually has the same goal. His messages are mixed and unfair. I don’t know the proper way to handle it. Any advice?

Always The Bridesmaid

DEAR ALWAYS THE BRIDESMAID: I have a lot of questions ATB, but most of them are for your boyfriend. Most of them come down to “dude, who are you trying to fool here?”

Literally none of his reasons make sense; the difference between being married and just shacking up isn’t so profound that it alters the very nature of your relationship. The excuses he gives you are almost transparently bulls

t, to the point that I wonder what’s going through his head. I mean “I can’t trust your feelings because you’ve been married before and it means you might divorce me”? I can’t decide if that’s absurdly naive or just profoundly insulting that he thinks you buy that as a legitimate excuse. Let’s be real: the fact that you two haven’t signed papers or had an expensive party isn’t going to act like a spell of Protection From Break-Up, 10′ Radius. He has trust issues, but they don’t seem to carry over into being willing to be in a long-term, exclusive relationship with you… just so long as nobody drops the “m” word.

Look, I’m not gonna lie here, ATB. This dude’s behavior is so squirrely that I’m wondering if he’s been storing nuts for winter in your attic. The fact that he keeps adding new layers to his “well I have trust issues” is something of a tell. The fact that he hates talking about feelings is another. So, for that matter, is the way that he keeps kicking the can down the road. “I’m not ready yet” is mightily convenient because it keeps you on the hook without actually committing to anything. It’s a way of placating you – we’ll get married someday – while he just makes sure that “someday” never actually comes. Now maybe this is because he’s just happy with the status quo of the relationship and he’s threatened by change. Maybe it’s because he actually wants to break up but can’t bring himself to pull the trigger and he’s trying to get you to do it instead.

But the only way you’re going to know is if you ask him.  You don’t need to be talking to some loudmouth with an advice column, you need to be talking to your boyfriend – and possibly a relationship counselor. If you want to get to the bottom of this, the two of you are going to have to sit down and have the extended dance remix version of The Awkward Conversation and figure out exactly where the lines are. He clearly doesn’t have a problem with having an LTR or even being a co-parent to your kids. Is it the word “married” that bothers him? Would he be ok if you referred to it as a “civil partnership”? Would he be cool if you two just nipped off to city hall, signed a couple pieces of paper that give you the legal rights of a married couple without making a big fuss about it?

But to be honest, I suspect that the conversation is going to go like this:

You: “Aren’t you happy to be in a relationship with me?”

Him: “Yup”

You: “And you like living with me and being part of my family.”

Him: “Yup”

You: “You don’t want to break up or be with somebody else.”

Him: “Yup.”

You: “And maybe you’d like having benefits like ‘next of kin’, being on my insurance and joint filing of taxes?”

Him: “That makes sense.”

You: “So would you like to get married?”

Him: “I don’t want to get married.”

So here’s what I suggest you do, ATB: you have to push your chips into the center of the table and make going to a relationship counselor a requirement of staying in a relationship with you. If he’s got trust issues and can’t communicate about his feelings with you, specifically, then it’s time to pull in a trained third party to help facilitate things. Hopefully then you can drill down to exactly where the hang-up is. If he can’t – or, more likely, won’t – then… well, I hate to say it, but you probably have your answer about where this relationship is going.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m not really sure how to be attractive to women.

You’ve said before that a recurring problem you’ve seen in guys is that they refuse to change something that could be a tipping point for them and your stock response is ‘well, how is what you’re doing now working for ya’? I might be one of those guys.

I’m a college sophomore who has had zilch luck with the ladies, in college or otherwise. Recently, I think I’ve discovered part of my problem: that I’ve gotten so used to being below romantic notice that I have no clue how to be romantically noticeable.

I had a twinge of realization when I got back to school, having grown a beard over the summer, and got positive comments from both genders. But the realization fully hit me when I wore a yellow polo (I prefer wearing darker colors) and this really cute girl said I looked good in bright colors.

It got me thinking: maybe I should change things up. Put some more care into the beard, maybe change up my wardrobe some. I’ve made initiatives in the past to eliminate some creepy behavior, but I’ve come to the conclusion that while not being a creep is a good goal, thinking ‘alright, just don’t act like you’re a serial killer looking for his next victim, and you’re all good!’ is pretty low-hanging fruit.

Am I right? Am I a mile off the mark? Do you have any tips for beard maintenance? Am I going overboard because one girl gave me a compliment? Does this have some undertones on my psyche that I should know about?

I have many questions and not a lot of answers.

To Change or Not To Change

DEAR TO CHANGE OR NOT TO CHANGE: You are really overthink this, TCNTC. You’re right: “cool, you didn’t tell her that her skin would make an amazing lampshade” is pretty much the bottom rung of acceptable public behavior. The problem is that many, many dudes seem to think that this is all they need to do to and aren’t sure why they aren’t getting panties thrown at them left right and center. But like I’m always saying: you don’t get cookies for meeting minimum standards. That’s why we have things like The Grimes Test. (https://www.doctornerdlove.com/pass-grimes-test/)

But it’s literally everything else after that where you’re shooting yourself in the foot. I get that you’re worried about overdoing things or overreacting to one person’s opinion. But that’s not what you’re doing. It’s one thing if, say, somebody cute mentions that she likes the smell of one of the new Old Spice fragrances and you immediately go out and douse yourself to the point of being a walking mustard gas cloud. It’s another thing entirely when you’re accept some compliments about recent changes as positive reinforcement or signs that you’re on the right path.

Because that’s what happened here: you made some changes, got out of your comfort zone, fashion-wise, and lo and behold: people are sitting up and taking notice.

That is is what we in the relationship coaching business call “a good thing”.

Now I get it: change can be scary, especially when it comes to clothes. Our clothes are an outward expression of who we are – or who we want to be. When you’re used to dressing a particular way, changing it up can feel weird and unnatural. You can feel like you’re betraying your identity or trying to conform to somebody else’s ideas of who you’re supposed to be. But if it’s an organic choice, your exploring options that maybe you didn’t feel you had a right to try… well, there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re not giving up your individuality in exchange for shallow popularity or to appeal to the crowd, you’re just trying out some other ideas to see how they work.

And hey, it’s me saying this. If you watch my YouTube channel, you’d be forgiven for thinking I wear any colors other than black.

(And I do: there’s charcoal, midnight blue, dark navy…)

So take those compliments in the spirit that they’re intended, TCNTC. You’ve changed up your look and hey, you’re looking pretty good! I wouldn’t advise you to toss out your entire closet and start over with your new sartorial discoveries, but throwing some color into the mix is clearly a winner for you. Explore that a little more, find what works for you and what doesn’t and you’ll find the whole process to be organic and painless… with the added benefit that hey, folks are going to recognize that you’re actually pretty damn cute!

Oh and one more thing: if you’re going to rock a beard, then you need to take care of it. That means that you need to clean, comb and condition that sucker. I can’t tell you how many dudes lose attraction points because their beard looks like they stapled a badger pelt to their face. Keep it trimmed and neat – if you aren’t going to trim it yourself, then go to a barber and have them clean it up for you every other week or so. Use a beard oil to keep it soft and caress-able – personally, I like BeardBrand and a beard-specific wash to keep it looking and smelling nice. Trust me: bearddruf is a thing and it isn’t pleasant.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)