DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a video game developer and have been married for over 5 years now. I met my wife when I was in college and, while we have always had a great relationship, I feel we’re very out of sync sexually. I was a virgin when we met, so I started with a lack of experience. Over the years our sexual activity has sort of been painted in to a corner. To explain it in several points:

– We both want the other to be more dominant. I’m driven to please her, but what she wants is for me to tell her what I want, which is for her to tell me what she wants, which is for me to tell her what I want… endless loop. I have tried to be more dominant, but I don’t feel like myself in those moments. It’s also difficult for me to compartmentalize that sort of behavior, and so outside of the bedroom I feel regret for treating my wife disrespectfully. I’m afraid this will only become worse if I take that role farther.

– When I’m aroused the speech center of my brain literally shuts down. She wants me to talk more during the act. I have really tried to improve at this but, while I disparately try to form words, nothing comes out.

– I often try to lead in to sex with a sensual massage, but when all she wants is a massage I feel like a rejected pervert at the end. Sometimes she’ll offer a hand job out of pity, but this feels like I’ve been rejected and inconvenienced her. Because I know that there’s a decent chance I’ll be rejected it makes me not want to be affectionate like this at all.

And so, while we have a very fun and loving relationship, our sex has shut down in a weird stalemate. I’ve tried bringing up the topic, but she sees it as a problem with her not being interested at that moment, rather than a broader problem that’s been getting worse. We’ve tried mixing things up with porn or games or toys, but these added a layer of complication that didn’t work quite right the first time out. I’m willing to retry things and improve, but often she’s very averse to giving things a second chance.

But I’m not trying to put the blame on her. I grew up very socially-awkward and so I’ve often lacked the skills I need to interact with humans, especially those I care about most. I’m out of ideas and I hope you can provide a new perspective to help me think about what I can do to improve the situation. Thanks for your time.

- Probably Overthinking Things

DEAR PROBABLY OVERTHINKING THINGS: You’ve got a couple of issues here but they’re all stemming from the same place: you’re not really communicating and you’re trying to let the sex just happen.

It’s understandable; we’re all taught that sex is supposed to be as spontaneous and improvisational as possible and trying to plan it out is a crime against passion and romance. When we think about trying to schedule sex, we tend to assume this is going to make it feel rote and mechanical; if you have to schedule times to have sex, then that means that you just aren’t as attracted to your partner as when the mood magically strikes out of the clear blue sky and you just have to bang out right then and there.

The problem with this belief is that not only does it make it pretty damn difficult to actually work out issues like “who’s going to dominate whom”, but you’re also causing yourselves a ton of stress when the sex just doesn’t happen… you’re not in the mood or she’s not, your schedules are conflicting, what-have-you.

As a result, there’s not a lot of sexing going on and a lot of frustration and despair happening instead.

So here’s what you need to do:

You need to work all of this out in advance. Now, to emphasize what I said earlier: I realize this seems like the antithesis of a happy sex-life but stick with me.

You’re a programmer who works in video game development; you should be familiar with the value of pre-production and production scheduling. You don’t just start building a game with no idea of where you’re going or what milestones you need to hit by when.

The same thinking applies to sex, especially sex in a long-term relationship.

To start with, the two of you need to sit down at a time when sex is absolutely NOT going to happen and talk about how you’re feeling about your sex life, what exactly it is that the two of you want and how you can satisfy your needs.

This is one of those times when you need to be careful about how you phrase things, especially to avoid making your wife feel as though it’s all her fault and putting her immediately on the defensive; you want to use a lot of “I feel” and “I would like” statements to emphasize where you’re coming from without being accusatory.

You want to keep this at a time when sex isn’t going to be an issue because it can be difficult to have a conversation about sexual issues when you’re trying to actually bang out. Plus, as you said: if you have a problem maintaining an erection and speaking coherently at the same time, you don’t want to mumble and stumble your way through trying to explain what your needs are and why this issue has been upsetting you.

It’s important that you two take turns here. You will want to take this in stages. First, you explain why this is something you need to talk about with her and what it is that you worry will happen by bringing it up (such as her judging you or feeling upset by your explaining why you’re unsatisfied). Then you explain what your needs are and why you feel that they aren’t getting met.

Next, you explain what it is that you need, how you would like to see things work out and how things would improve if you both did this.

And then, once you’ve said your peace, you then say: “…and what about you?” Then let her share her side of things. Be sure to give her the same attention and courtesy that she gives you. Don’t interrupt, don’t interject to “clarify” things, even if you feel that they’re factually wrong. Let her talk about how she feels and then, once she’s finished, ask questions and make sure you’re both on the same page.

Then and only then will you two be ready to start finding the compromises and work-arounds to get your sex life to the place where you want it to be.

And here are some thoughts on just how you can compromise and both of you meet your needs.

You both want the other to take more of a dominant role during sex… fine. You both can. You just have to alternate who’s going to be in charge. Even days, you’re the dom, odd days, she’s the dom, you get the first half of the week, she gets the second, whatever. Figure out a schedule that works for you both and just switch the roles. Even if one of you isn’t necessarily getting what he or she wants that time, the anticipation of what you’re going to do (or be on the receiving end of) next time can be intoxicating.

If you’re worried about not being able to separate being more dominant during sex with your daily lives together, add another layer to it that’s the signal that this is when you’re supposed to be “in charge”. It could be something as simple as a costume piece or background music, but it should be something that isn’t part of your day to day experience. As long as she’s wearing the pearls and the apron and nothing else, you are now the surly husband who’s going to get what he wants from his wife OR ELSE. When the pearls and apron (or what-have-you) are gone… life goes back to normal.

Similarly, she wants you to talk more during sex? Plan it out. Write out a scenario, memorize it, start going through it during sex. Can’t decide what to say? Didn’t have something planned out in time? Keep it simple and obvious: tell her what you’re about to do, tell her what you’re doing and tell her what you did. Short and simple: “Tell me you like it”. “Give me that $BODY_PART” “I’m going to $SEX_ACT you until you scream.” She’s not expecting Oscar Wilde or Thoreau levels of discourse and poetry while you’re having sex. She just wants some passion and intensity.

Now here’s for the part that’s going to seem a little awkward at first.

After you’ve negotiated your issues, you’re going to want to make a schedule for sex – date, time and location – and stick to it, even if one or the other isn’t necessarily feeling it at the time. It can feel weird – after all, you’re treating sex like a scheduled meeting at work – but it puts you into the rhythm (as it were) of sex on a regular basis and it brings a higher-level of importance to actually making the time for it. This will also help with your worries about being rejected when you want to make a move.

Now here’s something you need to understand: you shouldn’t feel like a pervert because you want to have sex; there’s nothing wrong with having a libido and being sexually attracted to your wife. It does sound like the two of you have communication issues – just because you’re trying to lead into sex with a sensual massage doesn’t necessarily mean that she knows that’s where you’re going… and it also doesn’t sound like she’s very good at telling you that she’d rather just have the massage this time before you get too far into it.

Hopefully she isn’t responding to your overtures with “Fine, I’ll jerk you off if that’ll get you out of my hair”; she should be saying “hey, I’m not really in the mood at the moment, but here, let me help you out.” At the same time, you shouldn’t treat the handjob necessarily as a second-rate replacement for sex or a pity-induced orgasm. Part of what makes for a successful sexual relationship – part of what Dan Savage calls GGG or “good, giving and game” means giving your partner a cheerfully helping hand (or mouth, or cleavage, or vibrator) when one or the other of you is in the mood and the other isn’t. You don’t present it as a tiresome obligation akin to scooping the litter-box, you present it as “I care about you and your needs and I want to help you meet them as best I can.”

TL;DR version: Negotiate a way of the two of you meeting your sexual needs, create a sex schedule and keep to it and work on those communication skills.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am in my early 20’s and I don’t know what to do. My love/sex life is already so complicated for me. I have no idea what to do and no matter where I go there just seems to be a dead end and I really want it to work.

So, brace yourself…

I “fell in love” (or lust, or something happened) with a friends boyfriend a couple of years ago, I was a virgin back then and had NO experience with in any way at all. After they broke up, I started dating him (I asked her first, she was okay with it). And lost my virginity. Quickly I realized that the relationship wasn’t what I thought it would be, but I didn’t had the guts to really break up with him, so we were on-off for a long time (lots of feelings got hurt and stuff, but that’s another story). During that time I had sex with another guy. Not because I was attracted to him, but because I wanted to see what else was out there. That was a huge mistake. My body said no the entire time, but I did it anyway. Even twice.  

Since then I have had some one-night-stands, that turned into guys that wouldn’t leave me alone, so I just continued to have sex with them. Because I have no idea if I want to have sex with someone or not. If I am interested in someone, I don’t think of having sex with them, I just like the feelings I get when I think of them (and they are always off limits anyway. Teachers, friends boyfriends, people who do not like me that way, and yes, I have at least learned to ask the last ones now and not just assuming it). During the act of sex, my body is fine. But afterwards I hate myself deeply. Every. Single. Time. Even if I am a hundred precent sure before I do it. Sex is not what I thought it would be. I don’t see why people think it is amazing. And I never have. I don’t even know why I had sex with my boyfriend back then. I think I just felt a pressure to do it (not from him, from myself). I never have orgasms or masturbate (which is why I can’t tell guys how to please me. I don’t even know how myself. And I feel nothing when I try to masturbate. I get bored and frustrated).

I know I have a problem with saying no to people. I am really scared of disappointing them. I also know that I have next to no experience, but no idea how to get it, when I always like the wrong people (who I can’t sleep with without losing my best friends or job, assuming that they would be interested in the first place) and can’t sleep the available people (even myself) without hating myself.

I don’t know what I want or how to figure that out, I think I need some though love and some perspective, because clearly something is wrong here. And I don’t want to get hurt anymore.

~ A frustrated femme

DEAR A FRUSTRATED FEMME: The old joke is that the definition of “insanity” is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. You’re doing the same thing over and over again AFF and you’re getting the same results. That’s why the first thing that you’re going to do is stop dating for a while. You’ve got some serious unpacking to do here before dating or hooking up would be a good idea, and you need to do it without constantly reinforcing the narrative that you’re broken. So it’s time to give yourself a break from a cycle that’s making you miserable and take time to recover and heal.

The first and most obvious issue going on here is about your inability to orgasm. Now there could be any number of causes here and — seeing as Dr. NerdLove is emphatically NOT a real doctor — I am not the one to diagnose them. It could be anything from medications you’re taking — when I was on Zoloft, I couldn’t have an orgasm to save my life — to depression to problems with the nerves themselves. The first thing you should do is go to your OBGYN and have yourself checked out; if you’re completely unable to orgasm, there may be a physical cause, and it’s worth ruling that out before moving on.

But sex is a tricky beast. Sometimes it’s not physical, or not strictly physical.

We tend to think about sex as primarily being about our junk, as though our genitalia were a separate beast with it’s own wants and desires, and it’s not. As much as desire and lust may be about what’s going on in between our legs, it’s equally affected by what’s going on between our ears. We tend to focus on the way that the tingly feeling that screams “READY TO BANG” starts and ends in our pants; we don’t pay as much attention to everything else that combines to affect our libido — our moods, how we feel about ourselves or even how our jobs are going — until things suddenly stop working. Ask any guy who’s been incredibly stressed at work; suddenly even Christina Hendricks covered in baby oil and carrying a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle 18 is just going to leave him trying to shoot pool with a rope.  

Women are just as prone to the libido-killing effects of external (or internal) stresses; the worse you feel about yourself, the less likely you are going to feel like getting busy.

And you have decidedly not been feeling good about yourself. 

Your first relationship was a long slow emotionally toxic death-spiral punctuated by a massive guilt-inducing infidelity that you didn’t even get to enjoy. That alone can do a number on a person’s self-esteem. The fact that you’re predominantly attracted to men who are off-limits is pretty telling as well – you’re deliberately setting yourself up for failure by falling for these guys, and the guys you’re choosing to sleep with are almost always guys you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with. Mix that with the way that sex makes you react — curling up in a ball of self-hate — and the way you don’t feel like you have a right to say “no” to people and… well, there comes a point where one wonders if this has become a point of self-harm for you. In many ways, it seems like you’re punishing yourself for being unworthy or undeserving of actual love and affection. But that’s me playing arm-chair psychologist and — again – Dr. NerdLove is decidedly not a real doctor.

This is why I recommend that in addition to talking to a physician, you also talk to a therapist — preferably in conjunction with one another. I think you’ve got emotional issues that need to be sussed out on top of any physical issues you may be having and not only is it killing your sex-life, but it’s burrowing it’s way through your self-esteem and self-worth. If having sex is consistently making you absolutely hate yourself (you don’t mention whether it’s also physically painful for you, which is very relevant), then there’s something going on beyond having sex with dudes who’re lousy lays.

I realize it’s a self-help cliche, but there is truth to the line about how you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself. And right now, it sounds like you don’t even like yourself. I think you’re carrying a lot of pain around right now, AFF, even if you aren’t fully aware of it. You need to work through that pain and whatever’s causing it. Take some time away from dating and get some help in letting it go. Doctor’s orders. Love, sex and relationships will all be waiting for you when you’re feeling better.

Good luck. And check back in so we know how you’re doing.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  How does one become better at bantering with people in general, but especially women? After having a conversation with women I almost always come up with something fun or clever to say after my conversation with them is over. It is very difficult for me to be fun and flirtatious on the spot. 

Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,

Mumbles

DEAR MUMBLES: You get better at banter the same way you get to Carnegie Hall: you go south on Park Ave and hang a right on 57th, it’s four blocks down on the left, can’t miss it.

Er… that is, you get better at bantering and flirting by practice. And you practice by talking with people.

You’re experiencing a lot of what’s known as “L’esprit de l’escalier” – literally “staircase wit” – where you’re only able to think of the BEST thing to say long after the opportunity to say it is over. This is because you’re being too hung up on being clever instead of focusing on being in the moment. You’re able to come up with something incredible afterwards because you’re not pressuring yourself to be funny. You’ve only got so much mental bandwidth, and when you’re trying hard to be funny, you’re usually not actually connecting with the other person – which is the whole point of banter. If you’re focused on being funny, you’re going to come off like you’re practicing a bit, not actually having a conversation with somebody. I ran into this a lot in my early days.

This is why I like to recommend that people study improvisation; one of the first things that you learn is not to try to be funny but to react to the scene. Trying to be clever takes you out of the moment. Relaxing and going with the flow lets the real you shine through instead of “Clever You”.

Some people are gifted quipsters. Some are not. I like to flatter myself that I can be funny1 on occasion; one of my best friends is a comedy god who can make people roll on the floor without half trying. Trying to be him would only hinder my ability to connect with people; I’m not being myself, I’m being a bad impression of somebody else.

Now you can work on your banter by studying other funny people. Over on my site, one of the ways I recommend people learn how to banter is by watching old-school screwball comedies like the Marx Brothers films or movies like Bringing Up Baby, The Thin Man or Some Like It Hot; you can get a better feel for the rhythm and pace of some quick banter and let that carry you through. But it really only works if it comes naturally, instead of being forced. So don’t try to force it. Let the conversation flow and let the banter come on its own.

And hey, just because you came up with something after the fact doesn’t mean you can’t use it later. Jot those lines down; sometimes it can help to have some stock ideas that you can adapt to specific situation ready at hand when you start to sputter out.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I read your article on ‘What Do Your Secret Sexual Desires Say About You‘ (https://nrdlv.co/2Lnelni) and was genuinely impressed by the quality of your analyzation and effective translation of the psychology behind it into clear examples. I actually came across your article as I was looking at the rational of whether it was healthy to repress sexual fantasies or to submit to them being ‘part of you’ and accept them and embrace them.

Your article was a superb outline of acceptance of them but I would be interested in a further analysis and answer to the angle of once accepted whether to indulge them or to accept that they are part of you but keep them to yourself. I have a particular situation with my fiancee in regard to the threesome, gangbang and voyeuristic fantasy of watching her with other men. She is open to talking about it and accepts it and we have had a threesome but she is hesitant in letting it become a regular part of our sex life.

I know if I keep pushing it will eventually become part of our sex life but I find myself feeling guilty as its not really what she wants and I feel I am forcing this on her. She only seems to be open to it to keep me happy and whilst that is wonderful in essence, the root of it seems awful to me.

I have thought recently a lot about letting it go and ignoring it but like other fetishes or fantasies this is a huge part of what turns me on and I would love to share it with her, but again, the turn on would be her enjoying it as well.

The notion of her doing to please me doesn’t sit right.

I guess the notion of what i am asking for you opinion on is whether it is healthy or right to forget or deny your desires or to be open with them and experience them fully?

Thank you

Concerned Kinkster

DEAR CONCERNED KINKSTER: One of the keys to a happy relationship is compromise, CK, and that means in the bedroom as well. Sometimes that means doing things for your spouse that you might take or leave (within reason) but makes them happy and so you take your pleasure from their enjoyment. In fact, the way that many people get into kink is by indulging a kinky partner and discovering that they like it too. Other times, however,  it means accepting that the part of the price of being married to this person is that some things are just off the table.

But one of the things that makes compromise possible is the “within reason” clause. Some things are easier for the disinterested partner to take part in – foot worship, blindfolds, dirty talk, sexting, role-play, etc. – because they’re fairly minimal impact and investment. Others – like threesomes, foursomes and moresomes – are a (forgive me) little harder to swallow for someone who’s not really into them in the first place. The fact that your kinks involve her active participation with other people? That’s probably going to be too far for a lot of people. Your wife might be OK (and I mean genuinely ok, not agreeing to it and dreading the day it happens) on a threesome on occasion as a special gift to you.  But trying to push threesomes, gangbangs and cuckolding into being a regular part of your sex life? That’s a really goddamn big ask for somebody who’s not already into group play and pushing her to agree to it is going to go be outright cruel.

So, you’re probably going to have to accept that these things just aren’t going to be part of your sexual repertoire with your wife.

Now that being said, you might be able to find ways of fulfilling some of these kinks together with your wife if the two of you get a little imaginative. Multiple sex toys, having sex with gangbang porn on in the background, dirty talk and fantasizing about what else is going on while the two of you are having sex… those might all be ways of indulging your fantasies in a way that your wife might also be OK with. Just don’t use it as some sort of training wheels/frog-in-boiling-water way of trying to get her to agree to more when she’s already given you a hard no. You may have to just accept that your gangbang fantasies will have to remain between you and a Brazzers subscription.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am a 35 year old single guy who keeps attracting the wrong kind of girls. Don’t get me wrong, they are not bad, just not my kind. They’re usually not into the same things I am or able to keep up a conversation.

I’m 6’2″ and bald and I used to be chubby but since I started working out I have become quite broad. Since then I seem to interest girls that love dominant manly men while I’m just a nerd; I went to university, play chess and love video games. Some girls even compared me with Vin Diesel. For now I’m trying numerous things: starting conversations about university or video games, wearing nerd-shirts, wearing caps, growing a beard… but I can’t seem to find a good strategy yet to keep the wrong women at bay and get liked by the women I like, an intelligent witty girl.

Help?

Nerd In Jock’s Clothing

DEAR NERD IN JOCK’S CLOTHING:

First, we will pause for a moment to acknowledge everyone who’s going to insist that you have no right to complain because you’re being swarmed with female attention and point out the irony.

See, just as with the idea that “women can get a date any time they want”, being deluged with attention isn’t terribly helpful if it’s not attention from people you want attention from. Case in point: you, NIJC.

Secondly: let’s not get too deep into the subdividing; just because somebody’s a geek doesn’t mean that she doesn’t also love a dominant manly man, nor does someone being a cheerleader or a girly-girl preclude them from being geek to the bone. Even if those incompatible women aren’t necessarily Tardis-sock-wearing Whovians, they might be geek-curious… especially if you introduce them to stuff that speaks to them.

Now let’s deal with your specific situation. Despite the fact that geek interests are mainstream and nerds come in every shape, size and gender, there’re still some lingering stereotypes about how nerds look and act. If you look less like a nerd and more like a 6’2 bodybuilder, people are going to be more likely to assume that you’re actually a jock, with all the attendant ideas about your interests and intellect. One of the reasons why I advocate finding your archetype is because it’s a great way of signaling your tribal affiliation as it were. Want to get more people seeing you as a nerd? Wear your geek cred on your sleeves – literally – is part of how you let others know where your interests lie and people will respond accordingly.

Of course, that’s a first step. The second is that, if you want to date a particular “type”, you have to go find them. Hunters don’t just wander around hoping to run into a deer (if you will forgive a problematic metaphor) , they go to places where they know deer gather; feeding spots, watering holes, etc. So if you want to date nerds, you have to go where the nerds are: comic stores, gaming stores, anime clubs, book stores, geek conventions, etc. Join a gaming group – or even organize one. Find geeky MeetUp interest groups. Go to trivia nights, especially ones organized by groups like Geeks Who Drink.

Just be sure that you’re not prowling through those groups like a shark in heavily chummed waters. Picking people up in your social circle can be a loser’s game if you’re just using these groups for finding dates and not, y’know, actually being part of the group.

As for keeping the wrong women “at bay”, there’s not really a way to keep people from approaching that doesn’t turn off everyone. Closed body language and refusal to give indicators of interest like making eye contact are all ways of sending “don’t approach” messages, but if you’re in a group, that can push away people you want to meet too. Unless they’re refusing to leave you alone, being polite but distant generally works for signaling your disinterest. Most women are better socialized to pick up on these sorts of indirect cues and will get the hint. You can also leave just about every interaction with “Well, it was nice meeting you. Bye!” and walking away.

But if you find someone who seems smart but isn’t necessarily into the same things you are already? It might not be a bad idea to see if she’s open to trying geeky things – especially entry-level geek dates like board games. You might awaken nerdy passions within her that she never had.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a tough situation. A couple weeks ago, a close friend of mine, who I’ve known for 6 years, told me she was deeply in love and asked me to be her boyfriend.

I told her I needed time to think about it.

The truth is that I’ve been in love with her for some time, but at the same time I have the goal to stay a virgin until marriage. I want a virgin wife, which means I should be virgin as well; otherwise I would be a nasty hypocrite. How can I overcome jealousy? Do you think is wrong to discard possible partners based on virginity?

Maybe Yes, Maybe No

DEAR MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO: You can choose to date or not date someone for any reason you want, MYMN. There’s no Council of Relationships that judges your criteria for passing someone over and vetoes your choices. You can do it because they have ugly toes or because he won’t wear the hat when you play Actress and the Bishop. So yes, you can discard a potential partner because they’re not a virgin.

I just think that’s a stupid reason to pass up on a relationship.

I mean, there’s the sheer practicality of trying to find someone who’s a) a virgin and b) wants to stay that way until marriage; these days, you’re talking about somewhere between 5% – 15% of the population in total. This shrinks considerably if you keep to a strict definition of virginity (i.e. none of God’s Little Loophole, etc.). But then there’s the question of what means more to you: a relationship with someone you’ve loved for a long time now, or wanting a relationship with a virgin? I mean, I have my opinions on the matter, but ultimately the only person who gets to decide that importance is you.

So I’d suggest that you should do some serious thinking about just why virginity is so important to you. Is it because of religious beliefs? Is it because you have some ingrained (and, honestly, mistaken) ideas about female sexuality? Is it because you’re worried about how someone more experienced than you will judge your performance? Is it just because of sheer jealousy?  Weigh those answers against the fact that you have had feelings for this person for years and now she’s feeling the same way about you. Is giving up the goal of being with a virgin (or your own virginity) an acceptable price for a dream you’ve had for some time?

Only you can decide these things. So think carefully.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)