DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I read your article on ‘What Do Your Secret Sexual Desires Say About You‘ (https://nrdlv.co/2Lnelni) and was genuinely impressed by the quality of your analyzation and effective translation of the psychology behind it into clear examples. I actually came across your article as I was looking at the rational of whether it was healthy to repress sexual fantasies or to submit to them being ‘part of you’ and accept them and embrace them.
Your article was a superb outline of acceptance of them but I would be interested in a further analysis and answer to the angle of once accepted whether to indulge them or to accept that they are part of you but keep them to yourself. I have a particular situation with my fiancee in regard to the threesome, gangbang and voyeuristic fantasy of watching her with other men. She is open to talking about it and accepts it and we have had a threesome but she is hesitant in letting it become a regular part of our sex life.
I know if I keep pushing it will eventually become part of our sex life but I find myself feeling guilty as its not really what she wants and I feel I am forcing this on her. She only seems to be open to it to keep me happy and whilst that is wonderful in essence, the root of it seems awful to me.
I have thought recently a lot about letting it go and ignoring it but like other fetishes or fantasies this is a huge part of what turns me on and I would love to share it with her, but again, the turn on would be her enjoying it as well.
The notion of her doing to please me doesn’t sit right.
I guess the notion of what i am asking for you opinion on is whether it is healthy or right to forget or deny your desires or to be open with them and experience them fully?
DEAR CONCERNED KINKSTER: One of the keys to a happy relationship is compromise, CK, and that means in the bedroom as well. Sometimes that means doing things for your spouse that you might take or leave (within reason) but makes them happy and so you take your pleasure from their enjoyment. In fact, the way that many people get into kink is by indulging a kinky partner and discovering that they like it too. Other times, however, it means accepting that the part of the price of being married to this person is that some things are just off the table.
But one of the things that makes compromise possible is the “within reason” clause. Some things are easier for the disinterested partner to take part in – foot worship, blindfolds, dirty talk, sexting, role-play, etc. – because they’re fairly minimal impact and investment. Others – like threesomes, foursomes and moresomes – are a (forgive me) little harder to swallow for someone who’s not really into them in the first place. The fact that your kinks involve her active participation with other people? That’s probably going to be too far for a lot of people. Your wife might be OK (and I mean genuinely ok, not agreeing to it and dreading the day it happens) on a threesome on occasion as a special gift to you. But trying to push threesomes, gangbangs and cuckolding into being a regular part of your sex life? That’s a really goddamn big ask for somebody who’s not already into group play and pushing her to agree to it is going to go be outright cruel.
So, you’re probably going to have to accept that these things just aren’t going to be part of your sexual repertoire with your wife.
Now that being said, you might be able to find ways of fulfilling some of these kinks together with your wife if the two of you get a little imaginative. Multiple sex toys, having sex with gangbang porn on in the background, dirty talk and fantasizing about what else is going on while the two of you are having sex… those might all be ways of indulging your fantasies in a way that your wife might also be OK with. Just don’t use it as some sort of training wheels/frog-in-boiling-water way of trying to get her to agree to more when she’s already given you a hard no. You may have to just accept that your gangbang fantasies will have to remain between you and a Brazzers subscription.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 35 year old single guy who keeps attracting the wrong kind of girls. Don’t get me wrong, they are not bad, just not my kind. They’re usually not into the same things I am or able to keep up a conversation.
I’m 6’2″ and bald and I used to be chubby but since I started working out I have become quite broad. Since then I seem to interest girls that love dominant manly men while I’m just a nerd; I went to university, play chess and love video games. Some girls even compared me with Vin Diesel. For now I’m trying numerous things: starting conversations about university or video games, wearing nerd-shirts, wearing caps, growing a beard… but I can’t seem to find a good strategy yet to keep the wrong women at bay and get liked by the women I like, an intelligent witty girl.
Nerd In Jock’s Clothing
DEAR NERD IN JOCK’S CLOTHING:
First, we will pause for a moment to acknowledge everyone who’s going to insist that you have no right to complain because you’re being swarmed with female attention and point out the irony.
See, just as with the idea that “women can get a date any time they want”, being deluged with attention isn’t terribly helpful if it’s not attention from people you want attention from. Case in point: you, NIJC.
Secondly: let’s not get too deep into the subdividing; just because somebody’s a geek doesn’t mean that she doesn’t also love a dominant manly man, nor does someone being a cheerleader or a girly-girl preclude them from being geek to the bone. Even if those incompatible women aren’t necessarily Tardis-sock-wearing Whovians, they might be geek-curious… especially if you introduce them to stuff that speaks to them.
Now let’s deal with your specific situation. Despite the fact that geek interests are mainstream and nerds come in every shape, size and gender, there’re still some lingering stereotypes about how nerds look and act. If you look less like a nerd and more like a 6’2 bodybuilder, people are going to be more likely to assume that you’re actually a jock, with all the attendant ideas about your interests and intellect. One of the reasons why I advocate finding your archetype is because it’s a great way of signaling your tribal affiliation as it were. Want to get more people seeing you as a nerd? Wear your geek cred on your sleeves – literally – is part of how you let others know where your interests lie and people will respond accordingly.
Of course, that’s a first step. The second is that, if you want to date a particular “type”, you have to go find them. Hunters don’t just wander around hoping to run into a deer (if you will forgive a problematic metaphor) , they go to places where they know deer gather; feeding spots, watering holes, etc. So if you want to date nerds, you have to go where the nerds are: comic stores, gaming stores, anime clubs, book stores, geek conventions, etc. Join a gaming group – or even organize one. Find geeky MeetUp interest groups. Go to trivia nights, especially ones organized by groups like Geeks Who Drink.
Just be sure that you’re not prowling through those groups like a shark in heavily chummed waters. Picking people up in your social circle can be a loser’s game if you’re just using these groups for finding dates and not, y’know, actually being part of the group.
As for keeping the wrong women “at bay”, there’s not really a way to keep people from approaching that doesn’t turn off everyone. Closed body language and refusal to give indicators of interest like making eye contact are all ways of sending “don’t approach” messages, but if you’re in a group, that can push away people you want to meet too. Unless they’re refusing to leave you alone, being polite but distant generally works for signaling your disinterest. Most women are better socialized to pick up on these sorts of indirect cues and will get the hint. You can also leave just about every interaction with “Well, it was nice meeting you. Bye!” and walking away.
But if you find someone who seems smart but isn’t necessarily into the same things you are already? It might not be a bad idea to see if she’s open to trying geeky things – especially entry-level geek dates like board games. You might awaken nerdy passions within her that she never had.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a tough situation. A couple weeks ago, a close friend of mine, who I’ve known for 6 years, told me she was deeply in love and asked me to be her boyfriend.
I told her I needed time to think about it.
The truth is that I’ve been in love with her for some time, but at the same time I have the goal to stay a virgin until marriage. I want a virgin wife, which means I should be virgin as well; otherwise I would be a nasty hypocrite. How can I overcome jealousy? Do you think is wrong to discard possible partners based on virginity?
Maybe Yes, Maybe No
DEAR MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO: You can choose to date or not date someone for any reason you want, MYMN. There’s no Council of Relationships that judges your criteria for passing someone over and vetoes your choices. You can do it because they have ugly toes or because he won’t wear the hat when you play Actress and the Bishop. So yes, you can discard a potential partner because they’re not a virgin.
I just think that’s a stupid reason to pass up on a relationship.
I mean, there’s the sheer practicality of trying to find someone who’s a) a virgin and b) wants to stay that way until marriage; these days, you’re talking about somewhere between 5% – 15% of the population in total. This shrinks considerably if you keep to a strict definition of virginity (i.e. none of God’s Little Loophole, etc.). But then there’s the question of what means more to you: a relationship with someone you’ve loved for a long time now, or wanting a relationship with a virgin? I mean, I have my opinions on the matter, but ultimately the only person who gets to decide that importance is you.
So I’d suggest that you should do some serious thinking about just why virginity is so important to you. Is it because of religious beliefs? Is it because you have some ingrained (and, honestly, mistaken) ideas about female sexuality? Is it because you’re worried about how someone more experienced than you will judge your performance? Is it just because of sheer jealousy? Weigh those answers against the fact that you have had feelings for this person for years and now she’s feeling the same way about you. Is giving up the goal of being with a virgin (or your own virginity) an acceptable price for a dream you’ve had for some time?
Only you can decide these things. So think carefully.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org)