DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I read your article on ‘What Do Your Secret Sexual Desires Say About You‘ (https://nrdlv.co/2Lnelni) and was genuinely impressed by the quality of your analyzation and effective translation of the psychology behind it into clear examples. I actually came across your article as I was looking at the rational of whether it was healthy to repress sexual fantasies or to submit to them being ‘part of you’ and accept them and embrace them.

Your article was a superb outline of acceptance of them but I would be interested in a further analysis and answer to the angle of once accepted whether to indulge them or to accept that they are part of you but keep them to yourself. I have a particular situation with my fiancee in regard to the threesome, gangbang and voyeuristic fantasy of watching her with other men. She is open to talking about it and accepts it and we have had a threesome but she is hesitant in letting it become a regular part of our sex life.

I know if I keep pushing it will eventually become part of our sex life but I find myself feeling guilty as its not really what she wants and I feel I am forcing this on her. She only seems to be open to it to keep me happy and whilst that is wonderful in essence, the root of it seems awful to me.

I have thought recently a lot about letting it go and ignoring it but like other fetishes or fantasies this is a huge part of what turns me on and I would love to share it with her, but again, the turn on would be her enjoying it as well.

The notion of her doing to please me doesn’t sit right.

I guess the notion of what i am asking for you opinion on is whether it is healthy or right to forget or deny your desires or to be open with them and experience them fully?

Thank you

Concerned Kinkster

DEAR CONCERNED KINKSTER: One of the keys to a happy relationship is compromise, CK, and that means in the bedroom as well. Sometimes that means doing things for your spouse that you might take or leave (within reason) but makes them happy and so you take your pleasure from their enjoyment. In fact, the way that many people get into kink is by indulging a kinky partner and discovering that they like it too. Other times, however,  it means accepting that the part of the price of being married to this person is that some things are just off the table.

But one of the things that makes compromise possible is the “within reason” clause. Some things are easier for the disinterested partner to take part in – foot worship, blindfolds, dirty talk, sexting, role-play, etc. – because they’re fairly minimal impact and investment. Others – like threesomes, foursomes and moresomes – are a (forgive me) little harder to swallow for someone who’s not really into them in the first place. The fact that your kinks involve her active participation with other people? That’s probably going to be too far for a lot of people. Your wife might be OK (and I mean genuinely ok, not agreeing to it and dreading the day it happens) on a threesome on occasion as a special gift to you.  But trying to push threesomes, gangbangs and cuckolding into being a regular part of your sex life? That’s a really goddamn big ask for somebody who’s not already into group play and pushing her to agree to it is going to go be outright cruel.

So, you’re probably going to have to accept that these things just aren’t going to be part of your sexual repertoire with your wife.

Now that being said, you might be able to find ways of fulfilling some of these kinks together with your wife if the two of you get a little imaginative. Multiple sex toys, having sex with gangbang porn on in the background, dirty talk and fantasizing about what else is going on while the two of you are having sex… those might all be ways of indulging your fantasies in a way that your wife might also be OK with. Just don’t use it as some sort of training wheels/frog-in-boiling-water way of trying to get her to agree to more when she’s already given you a hard no. You may have to just accept that your gangbang fantasies will have to remain between you and a Brazzers subscription.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am a 35 year old single guy who keeps attracting the wrong kind of girls. Don’t get me wrong, they are not bad, just not my kind. They’re usually not into the same things I am or able to keep up a conversation.

I’m 6’2″ and bald and I used to be chubby but since I started working out I have become quite broad. Since then I seem to interest girls that love dominant manly men while I’m just a nerd; I went to university, play chess and love video games. Some girls even compared me with Vin Diesel. For now I’m trying numerous things: starting conversations about university or video games, wearing nerd-shirts, wearing caps, growing a beard… but I can’t seem to find a good strategy yet to keep the wrong women at bay and get liked by the women I like, an intelligent witty girl.

Help?

Nerd In Jock’s Clothing

DEAR NERD IN JOCK’S CLOTHING:

First, we will pause for a moment to acknowledge everyone who’s going to insist that you have no right to complain because you’re being swarmed with female attention and point out the irony.

See, just as with the idea that “women can get a date any time they want”, being deluged with attention isn’t terribly helpful if it’s not attention from people you want attention from. Case in point: you, NIJC.

Secondly: let’s not get too deep into the subdividing; just because somebody’s a geek doesn’t mean that she doesn’t also love a dominant manly man, nor does someone being a cheerleader or a girly-girl preclude them from being geek to the bone. Even if those incompatible women aren’t necessarily Tardis-sock-wearing Whovians, they might be geek-curious… especially if you introduce them to stuff that speaks to them.

Now let’s deal with your specific situation. Despite the fact that geek interests are mainstream and nerds come in every shape, size and gender, there’re still some lingering stereotypes about how nerds look and act. If you look less like a nerd and more like a 6’2 bodybuilder, people are going to be more likely to assume that you’re actually a jock, with all the attendant ideas about your interests and intellect. One of the reasons why I advocate finding your archetype is because it’s a great way of signaling your tribal affiliation as it were. Want to get more people seeing you as a nerd? Wear your geek cred on your sleeves – literally – is part of how you let others know where your interests lie and people will respond accordingly.

Of course, that’s a first step. The second is that, if you want to date a particular “type”, you have to go find them. Hunters don’t just wander around hoping to run into a deer (if you will forgive a problematic metaphor) , they go to places where they know deer gather; feeding spots, watering holes, etc. So if you want to date nerds, you have to go where the nerds are: comic stores, gaming stores, anime clubs, book stores, geek conventions, etc. Join a gaming group – or even organize one. Find geeky MeetUp interest groups. Go to trivia nights, especially ones organized by groups like Geeks Who Drink.

Just be sure that you’re not prowling through those groups like a shark in heavily chummed waters. Picking people up in your social circle can be a loser’s game if you’re just using these groups for finding dates and not, y’know, actually being part of the group.

As for keeping the wrong women “at bay”, there’s not really a way to keep people from approaching that doesn’t turn off everyone. Closed body language and refusal to give indicators of interest like making eye contact are all ways of sending “don’t approach” messages, but if you’re in a group, that can push away people you want to meet too. Unless they’re refusing to leave you alone, being polite but distant generally works for signaling your disinterest. Most women are better socialized to pick up on these sorts of indirect cues and will get the hint. You can also leave just about every interaction with “Well, it was nice meeting you. Bye!” and walking away.

But if you find someone who seems smart but isn’t necessarily into the same things you are already? It might not be a bad idea to see if she’s open to trying geeky things – especially entry-level geek dates like board games. You might awaken nerdy passions within her that she never had.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a tough situation. A couple weeks ago, a close friend of mine, who I’ve known for 6 years, told me she was deeply in love and asked me to be her boyfriend.

I told her I needed time to think about it.

The truth is that I’ve been in love with her for some time, but at the same time I have the goal to stay a virgin until marriage. I want a virgin wife, which means I should be virgin as well; otherwise I would be a nasty hypocrite. How can I overcome jealousy? Do you think is wrong to discard possible partners based on virginity?

Maybe Yes, Maybe No

DEAR MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO: You can choose to date or not date someone for any reason you want, MYMN. There’s no Council of Relationships that judges your criteria for passing someone over and vetoes your choices. You can do it because they have ugly toes or because he won’t wear the hat when you play Actress and the Bishop. So yes, you can discard a potential partner because they’re not a virgin.

I just think that’s a stupid reason to pass up on a relationship.

I mean, there’s the sheer practicality of trying to find someone who’s a) a virgin and b) wants to stay that way until marriage; these days, you’re talking about somewhere between 5% – 15% of the population in total. This shrinks considerably if you keep to a strict definition of virginity (i.e. none of God’s Little Loophole, etc.). But then there’s the question of what means more to you: a relationship with someone you’ve loved for a long time now, or wanting a relationship with a virgin? I mean, I have my opinions on the matter, but ultimately the only person who gets to decide that importance is you.

So I’d suggest that you should do some serious thinking about just why virginity is so important to you. Is it because of religious beliefs? Is it because you have some ingrained (and, honestly, mistaken) ideas about female sexuality? Is it because you’re worried about how someone more experienced than you will judge your performance? Is it just because of sheer jealousy?  Weigh those answers against the fact that you have had feelings for this person for years and now she’s feeling the same way about you. Is giving up the goal of being with a virgin (or your own virginity) an acceptable price for a dream you’ve had for some time?

Only you can decide these things. So think carefully.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve got a neediness problem.

Let me start from the beginning; things are going great! I’ve gotten more confident about myself and less reserved about expressing my interest in women, and that’s led to dates with really cool, attractive people. Although I still at times struggle with my insecurities, I’m laid back enough in public that they don’t stop me from getting attention from people I’m interested in.

The problem starts when sex and intimacy arrive on the scene. Once I’ve seen somebody naked enough times, I can’t help but get invested in them, and once I’m invested in someone, my insecurities kick into high gear. You see, I have a long-standing and deep-seated fear that the people who like me will just suddenly… stop liking me. So things that were innocuous before I started to get invested, like cancelling dates or going radio silent for short periods, start to feel really concerning. I start to wonder “is this person losing interest in me?” and it makes me really, really anxious.

I’m a huge believer in the power of communication, so I try to channel that discomfort into honest conversation in the format of “It’s not your fault but I’m feeling a little insecure because of X, is everything alright with us?” The problem is that my rather transparent need to be validated turns the perceived problems into actual problems, and often directly causes people to lose interest in me. They get the sense that “oh, this guy is way more invested in this than I am” and all of a sudden that girl I was so excited about is telling me she’s “too busy to see me”.

My question is, how do I deal with these insecurities or channel them in ways that don’t damage my relationships? Because at this point the feelings themselves have become a source of dread; I worry that when I start to falter I’ll say something needy-sounding and bugger things up, and thinking thoughts like that makes me even more insecure.

Thanks,

Trying To Play It Cool

DEAR TRYING TO PLAY IT COOL: The thing about neediness is that it’s all about your self-worth. One of the causes of neediness is that you don’t value your own opinion and put too much stock into somebody else’s. How they act, how they behave, how they treat you becomes a critical part of your self-identity because you see them as being the alpha and omega of your own worth. If they ghost you, it’s a referendum on all your failures and flaws as a human being.

But the only reason they have this power is because you’ve given it to them. And in your case, TTPIC, that’s exactly what you’re doing.

Most of the time I will tell people that you can’t logic your way out of a problem. But in this case… you kinda can. Here’s the thing, TTPIC: the only thing that has changed between when you were confident and able to overlook minor issues is the context. Before, this person was a stranger; if they suddenly quit calling or texting you back, then it didn’t matter. You knew there were more people out there. Since you weren’t tying your self-worth into their behavior, you’re able to be more rational and realize that some people are kinda flakey or sometimes they may not be as quick to return a text as you might like. You can honestly tell yourself “well, they’re probably busy” or “enh, we’ll get together later” because their presence isn’t your end-all, be-all.

But as soon as sex enters the equation… well now it’s about you and your self-esteem. Attracting them isn’t the validating part for you; it’s the actual sex. And if you’ve sunk that much into “well they like me enough to want to see me naked”, then any hints that they might not want to see you naked any more is potentially devastating. Hence, the over-investing. Hence, the panic. Hence, pushing too hard for validation.

You need to get better at finding your internal validation, so that you’re not relying on other people’s interest to define your worth. The fact that you’re sleeping with someone doesn’t make you a better or more worthy person; it just means that you’re someone they wanted to have sex with. That’s ultimately neutral; women aren’t Mjolnir. They don’t have “Whomsoever should part these thighs, should they be worthy, will be granted the power of SCORE” embroidered on their underwear. By gifting someone you are only just starting to know with such monumental importance, you’re going to freak them out. When you’re asking someone “is everything alright with us” when there’s barely an “us”, you’re telling them that you’ve leapt a little too far ahead.

So here’s what you need to do: you need to slow your roll and learn to not be quite so giving with your power. It’s good to let your partner validate you, but first they need to actually be your partner. When your jerkbrain starts kicking into high gear like that, take a step back. Ask yourself “ok, if I wasn’t sleeping with this person, what would I think?” Remind yourself of how you would think if this were someone else and not your hopeful snugglebunny. Alternately, treat it as though you were giving advice to someone else. What would you tell your best friend if they came to you with this exact scenario.

And then let yourself believe it. Look at their behavior before you got this invested and afterwards. Is it any different? Then there’s nothing to worry about and you can relax because their reasons are likely the same as they were before you started sleeping together.

I get that fear, TTPIC. But it’s irrational and it’s self-fulfilling if you push at it. The best thing you can do is continue being the same confident person you were at the beginning and realize that the problem isn’t that they’re suddenly not liking you any more, it’s that you’re rounding things up to “relationship” a little too quickly. Slow things down, let them take their natural course and you’ll be fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  have two problems that I suspect are related. The first is fairly mundane: I get friendzoned a lot. I’m not talking about the kind of friendzone where you pretend to be friends with someone because you’re too chicken to make a move. I’m talking about the kind of friendzone where after a date or two they decide they just want to be friends with you. Now I know most of the time it’s a blow off, but in my personal experience a significant fraction of the time they actually do want to be friends, and in fact several of the closest friends in my life currently are women who’ve friendzoned me. This is extremely frustrating for me, not in the least because it’s always a little surprising. I rarely go on bad dates. In fact, on the date itself, I usually have a good time, and I feel like she’s having a good time too, and I go home feeling like it was a successful date, only to have her say when I ask her out on a second or third date that she just wants to be friends. I don’t think I’ve ever gone on a third date in my life, and I’m 35.

The second problem, which I only recently became aware of, is that apparently everyone (erroneously) thinks I’m gay when they first meet me. I had noticed before that people thought I was gay from time to time, which I didn’t think much of, but recently when a date was friendzoning me, she mentioned that she thought I was gay before I asked her out. I was debriefing on this with a friend (a friendship that came out of a friendzoning incidentally) and she laughed and said she had the same reaction when I asked her out too. I polled my friends, and all of them–to a person–said that they assumed I was gay at first. A handful even said that their other friends had made the same mistake and asked them for confirmation. To be clear, I don’t mind this for any homophobic reason. I don’t really care if men or lesbians think I’m gay, but it’s really inconvenient that basically every straight woman I meet thinks I am. For one, it makes it difficult to read and send signals. If a woman I’m trying to flirt with thinks I’m gay, anything but the most overt come on is going to go over her head. Conversely, a woman who’s vibing with a gay man she just met looks very similar to a woman interested in a straight man in terms of things like her receptiveness to physical contact, the strength of his hold on her attention, willingness to share contact information, etc.

I can’t help but think my first and second problems are related. Not to say that the reason I’m constantly friendzoned is that women think I’m gay, exactly. After all, most of them would be tipped off when I asked them out, and the ones I meet on dating apps probably assume I’m straight from the jump. What concerns me is the likelihood that the same vibe I give off that pings people’s gaydar is also a turn off to women I go on dates with–that somehow I’m performing masculinity wrong in some way that renders me unf

kable. I might be amenable to making changes, but I’m not clear where this vibe is coming from. I fit very few of the gay stereotypes. I’m not especially nattily dressed. I’m not into musical theater or fashion. I don’t have a lisp or anything. I don’t know what I could do that wouldn’t read as “closeted gay man trying to overcompensate” or “straight man deeply insecure about his masculinity”. Any advice you could offer in this matter would be welcome.

Sincerely, 

Your Gaydar Sucks

DEAR YOUR GAYDAR SUCKS: Without seeing you in action, YGS, I can’t tell you much about what’s going on. It would be better for you to ask your friends just what it was that you do that makes them think you’re gay at first. It may be that something in the way you behave strikes people as being a bit campy or femme presenting. This isn’t terribly unusual or uncommon; there’s even a TVTrope about this called “Camp Straight”. It may also be that the way you behave seems flirtier with men than with women. Like I said: I’m not there, so I can’t tell you. It may well end up being something that you don’t want to try to fight; the things that throw up a false ping may well be things you like about yourself; in that case, it’s better to just be comfortable with it than to try to be more performatively butch.

I do, however, notice, that you say it’s straight women who seem to be thinking you’re gay. I’m assuming you’d mention if there were some gay men who thought you were gay too. That suggests to me that it may be the way you behave with people that’s causing them to question things. I actually had issues with that, back in my time. In my early days in the PUA scene, I had a number of women I approached tell me that they thought I was gay at first. This almost always came down to two issues: I would come in to the interaction super high energy, and I was friendlier than I was flirty. So a high-energy guy, who’s not giving off any “I want you” vibe but wants to talk and says things to make people laugh? It came off a bit more like a campy stereotype. Once I toned down the excitement to “good mood” instead of “excitable golden retriever puppy on sugar” and was willing to flirt and demonstrate interest, the confusion disappeared.

Now with all that being said: it’s entirely possible, even likely, that the issues you’re having with first dates (but no second ones) has less to do with whether people think you’re gay or not and more to do with the date itself. The likelier issue is that women think you’re not into them… or that they’re just not into you. If you’re being a little too “respectful” or non-sexual on your first dates, that can also give people the wrong message. They’ll assume that either you’re not interested, or that there’s just no physical spark to go with the emotional one and decide that they aren’t interested. So put some effort into developing that physical chemistry too, even if it’s in a low-key way.

But like I said: start with polling your friends and see what it was that baffled their gaydar. Then decide if those are things you want to try to change or if you would rather work around them instead.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know this isn’t particularly about dating and relationship but I just really need some third party advice right now. A best mate of mine has been online dating ever since he got separated from his wife after having found out she had been cheating on him. 1-2 months into the separation, he met this girl online who is a lot younger than he (he’s middle-aged). After a few months of them chatting and talking on phone, he told me he was falling in love with her and they were going to meet in real life very soon. I personally don’t ever believe in falling in love with someone I have never met in person. Connection, yes. But love? I’m skeptical. But in saying that, being a good friend to him, I told myself not to judge and impose my own opinion on him because we’re all different after all. So I just congratulated him and said that I was very happy for him (given his recent broken home situation).

Then came the day she was supposed to fly over to see him (they live in different state), she pulled the pin a few days earlier due to some medical issue. I grew suspicious but still gave her the benefit of the doubt because it was only the first time. But I asked him anyway, that if he had ever Skyped her yet. And he said yes, they Skyped once. So I was certain that at least her identity (appearance-wise) was real. Then her medical condition got more dramatic in that she would have to go to hospital for treatment every weekend. So that sort of makes it challenging for him to even fly over to see her himself. Her excuse is that she would never know when she would be next in order to meet him because she has to constantly move back and forth between home and hospital (a few hours each way). After hearing this, I asked him to be cautious in that he should stop investing more into this ‘relationship’ emotionally until he can actually see her in real life. I went as far as stating that she may be real, but her circumstances may not. And I could see him taking offences by that, though he did not say it out loud. He just said that they had been talking on phone for one and a half hours everyday. I personally thought that that meant nothing but stopped pushing anyway, knowing that since he had started to get defensive, it would only get worse if I kept being pushy.

So my question is, do you have any advice as to what I should do? Should I just let him be or try to push harder? Because to me, he seems to really want to believe in this relationship, even though there’s little chance of them meeting any time soon. He does understand that the longer he waits, the more he would start to idealize her, which is a bad thing. But other than that, I still don’t know how I can advice him to not invest more into this before meeting her in person.

Will really appreciate your advice

A Concerned Mate

DEAR A CONCERNED MATE: You have a good heart, ACM. The problem is your friend’s heart. Specifically: the fact that he’s listening to that and not his brain. Your buddy has been handed a fantasy and he wants to believe it. And therein lies the problem. See, right now he has two choices: he can either buy into the fantasy that this amazing, younger woman loves him and needs him and only the vagaries of fate keep them apart… or he can listen to nagging part of his brain (and, by extension, you) and think that this mysterious long-distance lover is actually a cruel trick. Considering his real life circumstances, I’m not terribly surprised he’s choosing to believe in the beautiful dream.

And the problem is… you can’t really do anything about it. Unfortunately, Sam Cooke’s “When A Man Loves A Woman” is pretty much a documentary, especially the lyric “turn his back on his best friend who puts her down.” Your buddy wants to believe, ACM because she offers him hope that there’s life and love after having his heart broken.

You are right to be incredibly suspicious. Those last minute swerves of “I can’t see you because REASONS” are a hallmark of catfishing. So too is the fact that her life seems to have more drama than a Lifetime made-for-tv movie. Were I you, I would start playing a little Internet Detective on her and her background. Start with the basics. What do you find if you do a basic Google search? Does she have any sort of a digital footprint at all? What about social media? Does she have a Facebook account? What about Twitter or Instagram? How active is she, and does she have friends who aren’t obvious bots? Do a reverse Google Image search on her photos and see what comes up.

If you want to go the extra mile, I’d start asking questions. Ask to talk to her next time your friend brings her up. Or friend her on Facebook. I would also ask more questions about your buddy’s Skype session with her. Did he actually see her? Or was it just a voice chat because “her webcam doesn’t work”?  Or perhaps a seriously janky video connection that froze a lot?

I would suggest keeping a file – screenshots, links, etc. – of what you find and sit on it. Right now, it sucks that somebody is playing a game on your friend, but until he is willing to question things, there’s not much you can do. However, if this starts to escalate – if, for example, she suddenly has “bills” she can’t pay or is in dire straights because of her “health issues”, then it’s time to take your friend aside with the file and have an intervention. A broken heart is painful, but you can recover from it. Giving money, on the other hand, takes things to another level. Some catfishers prey on lonely men and women and scam them for money they can ill-afford to lose. If it gets to that point – or he’s going to pay for her to come see him or fly to go see her – then it’s time to give him all the proof you have that she’s fake.

He won’t appreciate it. He’ll probably be pissed at you. But better that you risk a friendship that you can repair later than he end up throwing money at a fraudulent fantasy.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently started having this relationship with a girl, who was friend of a friend. We like each other and we have a lot in common. After going out a few times and kissing and having a little physical contact,we ended up having a talk about we wanted this relationship to go. I thought it was obvious, we both have expressed that we like each other and feel very comfortable with each other.

Turns out that in the past she has dated a few jerks that have either just left her at random or cheated on her. And after months being “at something,” she is still insecure about starting a formal relationship. She says that it´s not because she wants to have something casual or that she doesn’t want to get involved, but she has a hard time getting into a relationship.

I know that it must be hard for her, but this relationship is getting too friendly, and it’s already been four months. I’m starting to get insecure about us and about her, and I really believe that it’s getting toxic and might end up killing this relationship if neither just goes from being friends with benefits to an actual couple. I’ve talked with her if this is just a casual thing for her, yet she insists that she has strong feelings for me.

So, how do I turn all this friendliness into a romance, and this “we are at something” situation into a relationship? Thanks a lot in advance,  

Wanting More

DEAR WANTING MORE: I’m not entirely sure what the problem is here, WM. Your not-quite girlfriend has made it pretty clear that she really likes you, she likes spending time with you, she likes making out with you…  so it’s just the label that’s the problem? Seriously?

Look, dude, she’s been hurt before and now she’s a little gun-shy. She just needs time to feel secure before being in a full-blown, Facebook-official relationship. Pushing to upgrade your status to “at something” to “boyfriend/girlfriend” isn’t going to make her feel more comfortable with you; in fact, it’ll do the opposite and push her away.

Right now, the best thing you can do is lay out how you feel for her without giving her demands. Tell her, for the record, that you really like her, you want this relationship to be more serious/committed/official. Then let it go, so she can do her thing and get more comfortable with both you and the possibility of being in a for real, changed-the-relationship-status-and-everything relationship with you. The way you can turn this “at something” into a full-blown romance is prove to her that you’re someone she can trust and let her guard down around. And the way to do that? Give her the room and space she needs.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)