DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I… have a problem with disappearing and I think I need the Chair Leg of Truth. I keep having to deal with other people’s very, very inconvenient crushes on me. 

Example #1: I gave up my the forums of my beloved hobby when Married Sad Boner Dude “fell in love” with me. He refused to stop talking about how in love with me he was, or work on his relationship with his wife, so I faded. Not before he threatened to kill himself and implied that I, his True Love could save him by encouraging him to make an intercontinental move to court me.

Example #2: I moved away from my hometown when College Experiment with Heterosexuality Sad Boner Dude was “uncomfortable” with the fact that I insisted upon living near him (which is to say: living with my mother, two hours away). I’m not attending reunions and I donate anonymously to my college, because OMG what if the poor dear gets triggered by seeing my name the way he was when he saw me from the train that one day? (To be fair, we did have a serious case of the zombie relationship, and I don’t blame him for being relieved to see my toxic-to-him ass retreating.) I gave up all my college friends that had any association with him, too. That hurts to this day.

Example #3: I started working remotely when Sad Boner Co-Worker got a crush on me and started acting in a frightening and quasi-stalkery manner. Good luck advancing in my career without being allowed to come into the office more than once a month!

Example #4: I faded from a local con and skipped the workshop I’d paid for last year when Sad Boner Dance Dude decided that I was The One and refused to let me talk to my friends and tried to follow me to my hotel at 3 a.m. I am going back to that con this year. Maybe. I dunno.

Example #5: I just f-locked the archives and all entries for the foreseeable future on my blog, which was middling popular, because another Married Sad Boner dude kept defiantly trampling my boundaries, getting angry when I refused to chat with him while I was busy at work or at dinner with my daughter, trying to sexually dominate me and requesting to see my ass on video chat.

Doctor Nerdlove, I don’t know what to do.

I am RIGHT UPFRONT about being lesbian, about not being even remotely interested in romantic relationships and kind of disgusted by sex with anyone but myself. By PUA standards, I’m a Midwest two when I make the effort, and I never, ever make the effort. I guess I’m kind and friendly and a little funny, and I try to appreciate how awesome every individual is in their own right, but I mention that I’m not available or interested in romance in any way, shape or form. I’ve even tried not bringing it up. That makes it worse. Not saying “not interested” at the beginning and end of every sentence to a Sad Boner Dude feels like he’s going to pounce and say, “Aha! You didn’t say ‘Simon Says,’ NOW YOU HAVE TO MARRY ME. Or at least let me call you my fiancée until I lose interest and wander off.”

The worst thing is, these are good men. They’d be horrified if they read this letter. They’d write me eight-page SAD PANTSFEELS LETTERS about how it wasn’t like that! If you publish this letter, readers of yours will be curling up like they’ve been nutkicked because they’ve done something that remotely resembles this and they feel personally attacked.

But for me, it is like that. Suicide threats. Being followed at night. Getting cornered at the office by a nightmarish 6’3″ ex-cop who keeps telling everyone about how women make things about abuse up, who then turns up in your parking lot at one in the morning blaring Barry White because he “finds you attractive.” Getting badgered because I’m hanging out with my family instead of worshiping the boner, even though a boner, for me, is a Lovecraftian Elder God with whom I want no truck. Eight-page SAD PANTSFEELS letters.

How do I prevent guys getting crushes on me and mistaking them for an excuse to ignore clearly stated boundaries? Look, I’m sure women do this too, but it’s not a problem I’ve run into with women. And for that matter, what do I do with these Sad Boner Men? When guys do get crushes on me, is there a more constructive response than “three strikes, and I run screaming, because it’s super-mean to exist and not want to be someone’s prize, even though I’ve skipped to the end of that particular book and, spoiler, horrific ruins for everyone and no-one has any fun getting there and the car chases suck”? It feels like I’m cruel to keep visibly existing, but it’s almost always in my own space. Also, I feel like this is one of the reasons you don’t see women in male-dominated fields: there’s this thing where guys fixate on women and the women leave. I really hate the thought of contributing to that. I want to grow a spine, but dang. It’s mean to them and sometimes feels dangerous to me to hang around. I want my blog back. I want my forums back. My mom wants me to visit her.

Is there something I’m missing here? I already carry a taser. Or am I being unreasonable? You’d tell me if I was being unreasonable, right?

Thanks,

The (Vanishing) Villain in the Rom Com

DEAR (VANISHING) VILLAIN IN THE ROM COM: Let’s get this out of the way up front, VVRC: there’s really nothing you can do to prevent someone else from feeling things. Unless you’re secretly Killgrave from Jessica Jones, you can’t control other people’s emotions or feelings. You can lay out the reasons why you’ll never, ever, ever be into them. You can tell them all the reasons why trying to pursue you is a horrible idea. But at the end of the day, people have free will. That means that people are capable of choosing to make incredibly stupid decisions – even when everyone else is yelling at them not to.

Sometimes it’s a case of dudes who’re choosing to chase someone they instinctively know are “safe” – people who they know will never love them, so they never have to deal with the paradoxical fear of success. Other times, they feel like “saving” someone is the way to “earn” a relationship. It doesn’t matter that there’s nothing to actually “save” her from – they see things like being asexual or aromantic as a mighty quest. And it certainly doesn’t help that we grow up steeped in pop culture that tells us persistence and stalker-like behavior are the keys to women’s hearts.

Now with that in mind, one of the things I’m always saying is “once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy act^H^H^H something you’re doing wrong.” When somebody is dealing with a recurring issue with people in their lives, they need to start looking at what all of those relationships have in common. And sometimes the only common denominator is… well, you. I’m not saying that you’re doing anything wrong, per se, but it’s worth examining the similarities with those men and your relationship with them. If, for example, you’re dealing with people who are poorly socialized or who are extremely awkward, then you may have your first indicator of what’s wrong. There are some people who will take any sign of friendliness as romantic interest and create a massive fantasy about how you are Their One True Love out of thin air. It doesn’t matter that they’re the wrong gender or that sex is completely off the table for you; it’s their fantasy and you’re stuck going along for the ride.

Or it could well be that behavior you see as friendly is coming off as flirting with intent. There’re plenty of people who didn’t realize that what was normal behavior in their small social circle would be seen as a mating call anywhere else. If, for example,  you’re an especially touchy-feely person or someone who likes having cuddle-buddies, you might be confusing people who try to gloss over your homosexuality or asexuality with d

kful thinking. This is a time when it is useful to check in with friends. How would they describe your behavior with these dudes? Is it exactly as you’re saying? Or are you giving off the wrong signals, signals you may not even realize exist?

But sometimes it really isn’t anything you’re doing. You could be sending off every “piss off” signal in the world and they’d blithely ignore it all.

Unfortunately, the answer may well lie in adjusting where you spend your time and who you spend your time with. If this is so consistent, you may have to dial back any friendliness and work on your Resting Bitch Face until you can be assured that you’re dealing with someone who’s got their emotional s

t together. It may also mean that you have to be less open to friends until they’ve proven themselves to be emotionally intelligent, grown-ass adults.

This also means that you can’t be subtle or less than completely blunt with folks if you suspect that they’re starting to get pantsfeels. This means that you can’t just hint at previous girlfriends or that sex makes your skin crawl, it means stating it unambiguously. Forget the Chair Leg of Truth, you need the Mallet of Driving The Point Home. And even then, there will be people who will let their fantasies override their rational brains.

And that’s when you have to enforce your boundaries, with fire, razorwire and knives. You do a lot of running away when it may be better to go on the offensive. Someone who persists in sending you long rambling messages gets blocked. Someone acting inappropriately at work gets a report – or several – to HR. Someone who gets all BUT WHAT ABOUT MY PANTSFEELS on chat, social media or the blog gets SUPER blocked. They get introduced to your alter ego: Queen Bitch, First of Her Name, Lady of Don’t Touch Me Or You Pull Back a Bleeding Stump. It may feel mean, but you know what? Sometimes the only way to get someone to give up on their fantasy is to stomp a muddy hole into it with the Dream-Stomping Boots of Reality. It may be cruel, but it’s kinder in the long run… to you at the very least.

None of this is easy, or particularly fun. But if this is happening so often that it chases you away from everything you do, then it’s time to spit in your hands choke up on the Chair Leg and dispensing some brutal honesty about the head and shoulders.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: The other day, I went to a Comic-Con cosplay event. No big deal, I regularly go to these kinds of things, it’s fine. During the run-up to the event, I learned out that a former high-school classmate, “L”, is also going. Since I’d always had a minor crush on her, this struck me as an awesome opportunity. I think maybe we can catch up, reminisce, whatever.  But when the night rolled around, I ended up freezing in place instead.

I thought I was prepared, but during the qualifier for the cosplay championship started, I watched L make an astounding entrance, all  dressed up and ready to rock! I tried to talk, but I choked. I couldn’t handle the  double-whammy of a) seeing her on stage like a celebrity and b) for the rest of the night, she was surrounded by other people and that intimidated me.

I was fine with everyone else during the party afterwards, but  when it comes to L, it feels like I reverted back to my high school days, emotionally.  It certainly didn’t help that she had this mischievous sly grin whenever she glanced my way. Every single time it was like getting a bullet of butterflies to my gut.

A few hours after the party, I sent L a text that said that I wanted to approach her and talk, but got nervous cause of the setting. I proposed that we meet somewhere quieter.

Should I have sent that, is it weird, is it too ambiguous and should I follow up with a firm date and time?

Thanks for listening, 

Flipped, Reversed, Confused

DEAR FLIPPED, REVERSED, CONFUSED: One of the things you leave out of your letter FRC, is whether you and she actually had plans to hang out and catch up or if this was just something you were hoping to make happen. If it was the former, there’s nothing wrong with saying “hey, you seemed like you were busy with an adoring crowd and I didn’t feel like it’d be a good time to catch up. Would you like to grab coffee this weekend?”

If it’s the latter… well, that’s a slightly trickier needle to thread. It’d be better to have said “Hey, I saw you at the cosplay contest, way to rock it! Wanted to come say ‘hi’ afterwards, but you were surrounded by people and I’m not great with crowds. I’d love to catch up; would you like to grab coffee and chat later on this weekend when things are less busy? How’s Sunday afternoon for you?” than to say “hey, let’s get together when there aren’t as many people around” out of the clear blue sky.

As a general rule, if you’re making first contact – or reinitiating contact after a long time apart – then it’s better to suggest a specific activity at a specific place and time. The local coffeeshop or tea house on a slow afternoon, for example, is easier to say “yes” to than just “some place quieter” and “some time”. Plus, proposing to meet some place quieter when you didn’t have previous plans and aren’t normally in contact can seem a bit much; not “I’d like to wear your flesh like a suit” weird, but a smidge presumptuous.

But it is what it is and you can’t un-send a text. So the only thing to do now is wait and see if she replies and what she says. If she says sure, then respond with a specific place and time. Otherwise? You took your shot, and it didn’t work the way you hoped. Take this as a soft “no” and resolve to not let the crowds intimidate you so much next time.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I read your article from a while back titled Cutoff Culture And the Myth of Closure (nrdlv.co/2zycfwy), and you said in it that people don’t have the right to expect you to talk to them after a breakup under any circumstance. You also said that and that no one is obligated to give closure to another person. I can sympathize with that opinion, but I wonder if it in your opinion also extends to people having the right to end friendships with no need to explain themselves? See, I’ve been seeing this girl for like 6 years. Nothing too serious, we would go out like every 2 months or so (both lazy and not too eager to call first), but then suddenly she said she started seeing someone else, but had been hesitant to tell me. I never minded her seeing other people (which she claims she didn’t do throughout our time going out) – all that mattered to me was that she’d still be available to me. Alas, she said she no longer wanted to do stuff with me. Of course she threw in the classic line about wanting to still be friends and meet up and spend time platonically.

After careful consideration I decided I didn’t want that – I’ve gotten so used to hanging out with her for not just friendly talks but also hanky-panky, that I found such a downgrade unbearable. I texted her some time afterward and she said she wasn’t seeing anyone at the moment, but that she still didn’t want to get back to doing stuff with me. She gave me several reasons, like us not seeing each other often enough (never spoke up about it earlier, I swear!), and me seeing other girls – to which she only made her dismay apparent very shortly before the “breakup”.

Of course I’m not like all those “nice guys” who feel entitled to something. She had every right to not want to do anything with me anymore. But it hurt me, it hurt me bad. I only then realized I had grown really attached to that girl. We both claimed not to want a relationship (which perplexes me all the more considering her sudden desire for exclusivity, while at the same time it not being a relationship, lol), but seeing each other for so long was bound to make at least one of us emotionally attached. Anyway, what I decided to do is to not accept her continuing friendship, but to cut off altogether. As I mentioned earlier, I find this sort of downgrade unbearably degrading, because I don’t really see any value in the relationship, unless it maintains its sexual component. Call it Friend Zone anxiety or whatever – I know many guys do reluctantly keep such friendship and torment themselves, but I just thought it would be better for me (was tempted to say “both of us” for a minute there, but I’m not that noble) to just distance myself from her and forget about her.

The thing is, this reaction was most strongly fueled by pride and dignity (rooted in insecurity, perhaps?). I realize that this rationalization of mine is probably quite misplaced, since the chick had been into me and does consider me attractive. Still, for some reason this fact doesn’t make me feel any less humiliated, and I still feel as if she wanted to Friend Zone me. I know, I know, women don’t Friend Zone men, men do it to themselves for not having the balls to just go away – which I’m trying to do. But some people would also perhaps say that through my own aloofness I’m jeopardizing a valuable friendship. Well the problem is that I don’t do male-female friendship strictly out of the conviction that if a woman sees you as a friend, you’re not good enough to be a lover. And yeah, it’s humiliating too.

So yeah, of course I’m not entitled to sex or even interest from any women, but I believe it’s therefore only fair to say that they are not entitled to my friendship, emotional support etc. I do have the right to refuse to continue a relationship that I feel drains and hurts me. Call it selfish, call it childish, but I just can’t get over the fact that I’m no longer sexually fit for a woman who used to think I was just fine not too long ago.

I just very recently had a similar experience with a long-term “friendship” that started with texting on Badoo, then we met, hugged and kissed and slept in one bed (for some reason I opted not to initiate intercourse, but not sure to what degree it’s a problem in this case), and then I thought that would be the status quo – to my disappointment it turns out that after her recent breakup she doesn’t wanna do stuff with me anymore. We live in different cities so we haven’t seen each other since that last visit, and it’s been almost 2 years. She said she’s not looking for anyone at the moment, that she’s growing jaded and has been through too much. I’m not even sure whether to believe her or she’s just sayin that stuff to not have to tell me she’s not attracted to me anymore (if she ever was). But it disappoints me a lot. She also gave me those classic, humiliating lines like “i really value our friendship, you’re a great human being but I guess that’s it” – and that was my cue to leave.

So tell me – is it wrong for me to have maintained a long distance relationship working entirely on the assumption that I’d be able to sleep with that chick in the future, which I totally wouldn’t have done hadn’t I thought she’d let me? I also like her as a person, but obviously I’m cutting off too, which I do feel bad about. But I don’t want a strictly platonic relationship with that girl, I couldn’t bear it. Is what I’m doing within the limits of acceptable behavior here? Or is this the behavior of a damaged person?

I don’t want a platonic relationship with any woman for that matter (except lesbians), as all I’d ever think about when I’m with them is “I wasn’t good enough to be this woman’s lover”. It would bother me even if I wasn’t really attracted to that girl in the first place, it’s more of a pride thing. I just take it as a personal affront if a girl doesn’t find me attractive. I try to handle it with class, never lashing out or saying mean things etc, just saying that in this case there’s nothing more for me here, and leaving. But it’s the principle that I’m more concerned about. Is this sort of pride normal, or is it some artifact of a deep insecurity? Please help!!

Thanks in advance! 

Pride Only Hurts, Never Helps

DEAR PRIDE ONLY HURTS, NEVER HELPS: First of all PJHNH, I think you kind of missed the point of my column on so-called “cutoff culture”. It’s not about “you don’t have the right to expect anyone to talk to you ever again after a break up”, it’s about the demands that many people put on the person who’s breaking up with them. In that case, the aforementioned author was demanding that his ex – someone who, ended their relationship – do more emotional work for him. He was insisting that he had a right to her time and attention because she didn’t break up with him the right way and owed him closure.

Which, frankly, is bulls

t. Much like people who demand closure or explanations from their exes. While I don’t doubt that there are many people who legitimately think they want an explanation (and no, they wouldn’t be happy if they knew), most people use that demand as a way to try to relitigate the relationship and the break up. It becomes a way to keep the break up from being final and keeping their ex in their lives.

So no: you don’t get to set terms on a break up and the person dumping you owes you neither explanation nor closure. It’s nice if they care to give an explanation, but they’re not required to do so, nor do they have obligations to you after the end of the relationship outside of logistical ones like returning property.

But I think that misreading leading into the issue you’re having here. You’ve functionally set yourself up for failure with a lot of your future relationships.

In a lot of letters there comes a sentence that you can literally point to and say “Well there’s your problem”. And hey wouldn’t you know it, there’s this line right here:

“I don’t really see any value in the relationship, unless it maintains its sexual component. ” 

Well, there’s your problem, PJHNH. Your attitude, frankly f

king sucks. You’re treating friendship as a step down from a sexual or romantic relationship with someone. Not only is that not true, but most women who are legitimately offering you friendship are going to be insulted by the idea. That’s a great way to close a lot of doors in your life.

Take, for example, your FWB of six years. When she ultimately decided that she wanted to commit to another guy, you made it clear that her relationship with you was contingent on your being able to sleep with her. In that moment you told her that while you may have enjoyed spending time with her platonically, her primary value to you was as someone you could stick your dick in. That’s going to hurt. A lot. Small wonder that, once she was single again, she didn’t want to fool around with you.

And no, there really wasn’t any contradiction there. She may not have wanted exclusivity with you. Alternately, she may have wanted it but felt like she couldn’t ask for it… and when she found someone who was open for it, she decided to go for them instead. And once your belief clear that male-female friendships are only worth it if sex is an option… well, that’s not really going to charm women into dropping their panties for you, bro. You say you don’t believe that you’re entitled to sex, but goddamn, “I just take it as a personal affront if a girl doesn’t find me attractive” sure as s

t says otherwise.

She didn’t Friend Zone you, my dude. Congratulations: you Friend Zoned yourself.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you have to be friends with people, or that you have to be friends with someone who gives you the LJBF speech. Not all of those offers are legit; some really are for politeness’ sake. If you feel that, emotionally,  you couldn’t handle being friends with someone you’re attracted to, that’s just fine. A lot of people feel that way, and their feeling are completely legitimate.

Similarly, if you feel like it’s just not worth having any sort of a relationship with women if you can’t bang them, that’s legitimate. That’s your belief and you’re welcome to have it.

It’s a STUPID belief, but you do you.

But you’re also going to have to accept that the idea that a strictly platonic friendship is saying “you’re not good enough” is going to cut you off from a lot of relationships – platonic and otherwise. Because here’s the thing dude. Sex isn’t the Super Saiyan form of friendship. The two are entirely separate.

A woman wanting to be friends doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough to screw. Hell, there are plenty of women out there who’ll sleep with a guy but not want to be friends with him. Being friends with someone – real friends, not just acquaintances – means a level of trust and intimacy that other people don’t get. It means that they feel that you’re someone valuable, someone they want in their life. A good friend is rare. Dick, however, is abundant and of low value. And whether that particular woman is interested in you or not, other women will recognize the attitude you’re giving off too. And that’s going to shut down more potential sexual encounters than opening the conversation with “Nice drapes, do they match the carpet, or is it original hardwood?”

If you want to start having relationships that don’t go down in flames, you’re going to have to start recognizing that this prideful idea that a friend is someone who’s not good enough to f

k is bulls

t. The fact that a woman isn’t interested in your dick lower her value, nor does it devalue you. The attitude you cop about it, however, sure as s

t does.

The next time a woman offers you her friendship – without access to her body – and you feel that sting, then you need to realize: that’s just your pride f

king with you. You can either go with your pride, or you can take a chance and interact with that woman like she’s a person.

And like you suggest: that kind of pride never helps. It just hurts.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in a position where at some point soon, I’m going have to move far away due to work. As a result, I can’t really be in a relationship. However, I still want to have sex, so I’m looking for friends with benefits arrangements. I have explicitly stated in my OKC and Tinder profiles that that’s what I want, but I have no idea how to do more than that. How would I even bring up the idea without being seen as creepy?

No Strings On Me

DEAR NO STRINGS ON ME: There are two key components to finding a friends-with-benefits relationship, NSOM. The first is, ultimately, a marketing issue: finding people who might be interested and getting your message out to them in an appealing manner.

Trying to achieve this can be tricky. It may seem like a no-brainer to say “hey, I’m only looking for FWBs” on OKCupid and Tinder… and then you spend time watching the tumbleweeds blow through your empty inbox, wondering just what’s wrong. When you’re out looking for a simple, casual relationship, it can feel like you could count the number of potential partners on the fingers of one foot. This often goes hand in hand with the maxim of “women don’t like casual sex”, often reinforced by bros doing “social experiments” on YouTube to prove the point.

The truth is that there are a lot of people out there who’re looking for casual sex or no-strings attached relationships, NSOM, both men and women. Unfortunately, there are also a lot of asshats who’ve all but guaranteed that women are going to never respond to guys who are looking for one. Women on dating sites will be deluged with offers of sex, regardless of what they say they’re looking for in their profiles; women who indicate that they’re looking for a casual or NSA relationship will be hit with a veritable tsunami of free-floating wiener. Whether you’re standing around with a megaphone announcing “My body is available, please form a queue!” or approaching women – in person or online – with an offer of NSA sex, then you’re just one more voice in the chorus of the damned.

So while you’re being clear and upfront – and presumably respectful – in your profile by announcing what it is you’re looking for, the problem is that far too many dudes have poisoned that particular well and even women who might be interested are likely to pass you by, just because they’ve been burned too many times before.

This ties ties into the second component: you need to demonstrate that sex with you will be worth that person’s time. As writer Alana Massey famously said: “C

k is abundant and of low value”; there is no lack of dudes offering to be a woman’s Studly Goodnight at a moment’s notice. The problem is that pretty much all of them suck in bed, and most of them will call her a slut and a whore afterwards. There are multitudes of women out there who would appreciate a casual relationship with a guy – easy companionship, occasional sloppy make-outs and no real expectations of future plans – but the risks involved just aren’t worth the lousy sex that would result.

So your approach has to be two-fold. First: fine tune your profiles. Were I you, I’d leave explicit mentions about FWBs out. You can send the message of what it is you are looking for without hitting that particular NOPE button. To start with, you should pick the “short term dating” option on OKCupid; not only is that literally true in your case – you’re moving at some point, so you aren’t up for anything long-term – but most people will (correctly) assume you’re talking about a more casual, less committed relationship.

Think of the story your dating profile tells – are you telling the story of a man looking for that special someone to settle down with and find that house in the suburbs with the white picket fence? Or are you someone who’s on the move, who isn’t putting down roots and wants to find someone who’s on the same page? The way you fill out your profile questions contributes to this; are you painting a picture of someone who’s potentially husband material or as someone whose lifestyle is fun but more high-speed, low drag?  Are your pictures lining up with those goals? Are they showing a guy who’s out having adventures? Or are they cozy and domestic – showing you playing with your cute niece or nephew, cooking in the kitchen, hanging out with your sweet Grandma?

The same goes with your Tinder profile. Are you talking about yourself and the kind of person you’re looking to meet, or do you have something short, funny and pithy? The former tends to imply relationship, the latter is slightly more indicative of someone not looking for Mrs. Right. “I have strong opinions about breakfast tacos” or “Living for pinball and margaritas,” often work far better than “I’m not looking for anything serious”, which has come to mean “I never want to actually define what that means as long as it keeps you coming around.”

Crafting your profile this way will not only help you find people who’re more likely to be on the same page as you, but will also mean that your likely to actually go on dates; you won’t be giving off the Douchebag Alert that drives women away before they have a chance to get to know you.

And going on dates is going to be important, because this will be how you build the connection with your potential FWBs. First, you’ll be doing your dating due diligence – testing for chemistry and interest – after all, the last thing you want is to be meeting women who just don’t rev your motor. You’ll also be in a position to build the sexual tension and chemistry that will tell women that yes, you would be fun in the sack. But most importantly, you’ll be able to show that while you’re a great potential lay, you’re also a gentleman. One of the most important – and sadly neglected – aspects of trying to find a casual relationship is creating a sense of safety and respect.

One of the biggest reasons why guys have a hard time finding casual sex is that they tend to focus on the short term, immediate goal: get her into bed as soon as humanly possible. They want to bang that night, if not sooner. As a result, they often push too hard, too quickly and ultimately snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. A woman who might have said “yes” on the second or third date will almost certainly say “no” to a guy who can’t be patient. That impatience is frequently a sign that he’s more concerned with getting laid than he is about her comfort or sense of security. The best and most successful lovers out there are the ones who create a space where women feel safe and empowered to say yes, rather than badgering her to give in.

It’s on these dates, incidentally, that you have the chance to lay out what it is that you have to offer. You can make it clear that you’re going to have to move in the not-too-distant future and so any relationship with you will come with an expiration date. This knowledge will help filter out matches who are going to be looking for something longer-term. Just as importantly, it sets expectations accordingly: you may be a good friend and a great time, but you’re not boyfriend material. For many women, this is ideal; it’s some short term fun without the expectation of demands on her time or independence. Just be sure that the dates you go on are the fun, exciting type, not the “isn’t it romantic?” type; it’s easy to end up sending mixed signals if you’re essentially dating on automatic.

But you can’t just rely on subtext; you are going to have to have a Defining The Relationship talk with any potential partners. After all, a casual relationship is a relationship. So too is a FWB relationship. You want to make sure that both of you are on the same page and that you both have the same expectations and definitions as one another.

And don’t forget: just because you’re moving doesn’t mean that you can’t have a relationship with long-term potential. If a long-distance relationship isn’t your bag, then hey, that’s cool too… just don’t artificially limit yourself because you assume that anything you start now can’t last beyond moving day.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently started a new job. When I was going through the intake process, I hit it off with the person who explained everything to me. We have similar interests and she seems to enjoy my sense of humor. Since then we’ve become very fast friends. We have in depth conversations about who we are as people, and just seeing how we’re alike and different. Not surprisingly, I soon caught feelings.

As we’ve been talking, she mentioned she recently ended a bad relationship. Because of that, she’s working on herself and thinking about what she wants in a partner. I am fine with only being friends, she’s just that great to be around, without trying to backdoor that into something more. 

So I don’t have a particular overabundance of experience, but I do know that making a big showy confession about how I feel is exactly the wrong thing to do.

The options I see are:

a) Tell her how I feel, let her know any response is fine, and that there is no pressure to change what she’s doing for me.

b) Not tell her and stay friends. Then start looking at other people for potential partners.

I appreciate any advice you might be able to offer.

Secret Crush

DEAR SECRET CRUSH: I’m generally opposed to the idea of  “tell X person you have a crush on them” because, frankly, it’s kind of passive.

“Hey, I’ve got a crush on you.” OK… and? What do you expect them to do, now that they have this knowledge? The feelings-confession, no matter how sincere or heartfelt, tends to put the onus on the other person to take the next step, which is a bit of a dick move. This is why I generally advise people to skip the confession step and move directly to ASK THEM OUT ON A DATE ALREADY. The “I’m interested in you,” tends to be implied when you’re asking somebody out on a clear and unambiguous date. It’s baked into the whole process; one rarely goes out on dates with people they’re not interested in.

Now in terms of your specific situation, I think the best move in this case is to be friends and date around. If she’s telling you that she’s just out of a recent relationship and “working on herself”, then she’s giving you the wave-off. Either she can tell you’ve got a crush on her, or she’s pre-emptively letting you know that she’s just not down with dating you, just in case. Regardless: it’s a pretty clear sign that she’s not feeling it and your time and emotional energy will be spent pursuing people who are available.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)