DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a girl and I have this guy friend who I’ve known for about three years now. We’ve always been flirty with each other but it never really amounted to anything; at the end of the day, we were just two nerds who hung out mostly to play video games. Thats probably how it always starts, eh?

Well this year something has happened between us and I have no idea where it came from. Maybe it was his whole “self-improvement plan” where each month he would ask friends for suggestions on his personality and then go about working on them that month. He’s become a much better friend and takes a lot better care of himself now, so maybe that has something to do with it. Regardless, when I came back from summer break (we’re both in college) we started hanging out as usual and suddenly there was an intense chemistry between us. We went from not even hugging to say goodbye to being extremely touchy. I’m not a touchy person at all, but we’d end up pretty snuggly on the couch any time he came over- even with other friends with us.

Everyone jokes about how we’re “such a cute couple” because we playfully fight (which obviously can get pretty physical as well), but then we both start denying it because everyone makes so much fun of us. We’ve always been friends so people think its funny to joke about it because they don’t know anything has changed, thus it gets embarrassing when they hassle us. Plus he is well-known for his “type” because he’s a short guy that goes for all these model-esque women, yet I’m his height. There’s all these other factors to his “type” too that I don’t really fit, one especially being that he doesn’t go for other nerds. And yet today he said “Let’s take a couple picture!” after laying down next to me on the floor, then stroked my hair and did all this other couple-y stuff. (Also, no, there was no good reason for me to lay on the floor. A bunch of us were just bored at a Christmas party, so we laid down on the floor and started doing barrel rolls. College kids.)

I know at this point that I definitely have some feelings for him, but I’m completely confused by him. He’s been on a few dates with another girl recently and I don’t know where that leaves us. Every time I think he’s gonna make a move its actually for someone else. I’m debating whether he goes out with the other girls to make me jealous or if its because they meet his self-professed “type”. I also am a kind of a “tough girl” so I can come across as intimidating, but he knows me better than that and is aware its just sort of a front to keep the jerks and creeps at bay. One thing I’m sure of is that he’s definitely feeling the same chemistry I am. I sat down with him the other day and told him I didn’t want him to be so touchy if he wasn’t planning on asking me on a date any time soon and he apologized, said he noticed it, and promised to work on it. However that only lasted a few days and then it went back to flirting and physical contact. It actually got worse, I’d say.

I don’t want to lose my friend over this but I have a feeling thats where it’s heading if I don’t do something. Its gonna start making me crazy if I have to spend my time with him trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do. It’s starting to feel very childish or “high school” I guess, if that makes sense, and I’m not about that. But if I’m as impossible to read as all my friends say I am, I’m worried he’s just scared I’ll turn him down when thats not the case.

I don’t know. I’m done with words. Help is appreciated.

Dazed and confused

DEAR DAZED AND CONFUSED: Ok, this may be the first time I can’t tell if someone has written in with their problems or if I’m trying to provide relationship advice to the cast of an anime rom-com. Because quite frankly, this is such a tsundere (A term from anime and manga, meaning a person who alternates between being irritable – tsuntsun– and affectionate- deredere) relationship plotline that I feel like I should be checking TVTropes for plot spoilers.

But let’s put the character comparisons aside and look at things. You’ve been good friends for a while and now there’s suddenly intense chemistry between the two of you. You’re flirty, you’re touchy-feely and cuddly. You spend all your time together…

Why exactly are you asking me for advice again?

This couldn’t be more obvious. Dude’s into you. You’re into him. Even your friends are screaming at you two to kiss already.

Here’s why your loverboy hasn’t done anything: you put up an intimidating front – even though he knows better – and it’s making him nervous about actually taking things to the next level. “Hey, don’t flirt with me unless you’re going to ask me out” can sound like an invite to make the first move… or it can sound like you’re saying “S… stop getting the wrong idea! Baka!”

Yeah, he may like those model-esque women… but he’s also clearly demonstrating that he likes you too. He’s (presumably) not dating other women to make you jealous, he’s dating other women because… well, what else is the dude supposed to do? He’s worried that you just told him to quit flirting with him because you’re not going to date him, even when you’re sitting there waiting for him to ask you out. The two of you are in shoujo anime relationship limbo right now, both of you aware that you dig each other but neither of you are willing to do anything about it.

Be very glad that I’m not anywhere near you; my tolerance for romantic comedy “can’t spit it out” drama is incredibly low and I would feel obligated to beat you both with a clue-by-four before lock the two of you in a closet until you accepted the obvious and started making out.

At the moment, homeboy’s terrified that you’re not into him. So here’s what you do: ask him out, already. This will solve all your problems: he’ll realize he doesn’t need to be afraid that you’ll turn him down and you’ll finally get all the damn tension out in the open instead of sitting around and wondering what to do do about things.

Honestly, the worst thing that happens is that he says no. In which case… well, it sucks, but you’ve got your answer now and you can move on. At that point, you tell him straight up to quit flirting with you because you like him and his being flirty with you when he doesn’t feel the same way makes you uncomfortable.

But I’m willing to wager a not insignificant amount of money that he’s going to say “yes”.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Way back in the dark ages (late 90’s) when my husband and I first started seeing each other we sat down and had a conversation about monogamy. We agreed (18-year old me and 22-year-old him) that if ever there came a time when one of us wanted to pursue a secondary relationship that we had the freedom to ask for permission for such a dalliance. That all seemed fair and equitable and incredibly distant and academic to my younger self. Honestly, that agreement still seems reasonable to me on an intellectual level.

But here’s the thing, we’ve been been married for 16 years, we have two children, and for every single one of the last 18 years (the two we weren’t married for and the 16 we have been) the idea of being non-monogamous has really never come up. Until now. Six weeks ago, after an admittedly long dry spell spurred by poorly treated depression on my part, he came to me with a question. He’d met a lovely young woman he had feelings for and wanted to pursue a relationship with.

Now, philosophically I have no issue with polyamory. And, after all, I did agree that this was a permissible question and potentiality way back in the way back. That said, I won’t lie when I say I was upset. But after I’d taken some time to process I gave him the go-ahead. What I didn’t anticipate, and couldn’t have really, is that the poorly controlled depression I mentioned above was actually entirely untreated bipolar disorder. As he was gaily off wooing this new woman I was sitting at home going absolutely bats

t insane. At this point we’re all on the same page, mostly. He continues to see his new lady friend with the caveat that they are taking things very slowly out or respect for my mental health. Meanwhile, I am getting on new meds and getting my butt into therapy.

However, in the interim, and also depending on which pole I’m at, I am either one hundred percent okay with his secondary relationship or absolutely devastated by it. I’m hopeful that once my meds start actually working I’ll be in a better place to know what my actual opinions are. I guess my questions are these: since I was cool with this all prior to losing my mind will I go back to being cool with it? Is my husband being a jerk to keep dating his other partner while I am having a major depressive episode? Am I fooling myself thinking I can be okay with this? I really can’t sort out which feelings are real and which ones are my mood disorder messing with me. With the caveat that you have no clue what’s going on in my own twisted psyche, does this sound like a fair and ethical scenario or am I actually getting the short end on things? I know how it feels right now, but seeing as I’m deeply depressed I don’t really trust my own judgement.

BiPolarAmory

DEAR BIPOLARAMORY: So a couple things first.

The fact that you made this arrangement 18 years ago doesn’t mean that you’re now soul-bound to it. You and he have done a whole lotta living, growing and changing in the intervening years. The circumstances under which you made that arrangement back in the day are not the same as the ones that stand now. So it’s not inherently unfair to you to say “ya know, I’ve got some issues with this,” and re-open negotiations if you feel that you’re not necessarily ok with it these days.

The other thing is that you don’t want to overlook how you feel.

If you’re in a place, funky brain chemistry and all, where there’re regular times when it is ripping your heart to shreds, it is totally fine to pump the brakes on things. The fact that the origins of said heart-shredding comes from a chemical imbalance doesn’t make it any less heart-shred-y. Just as with depression, just because you know what the root cause is doesn’t mean you magically stop feeling it or you’re able to somehow power through it by sheer force of will and come out not feeling horrible on the other side. Those feelings are real. They still hurt and dismissing them because you know that it’s a depressive episode doesn’t make them go away or invalid.

Plus, let’s not discount the possibility that the times when you’re fine with it could be coming from a manic episode.

Of course, opening that particular can o’ worms is a great way to completely paralyze yourself and leave you continually asking yourself what is reality anyway.

SO.

Opening up and maintaining an open relationship isn’t easy and it’s not for everyone, and one of the keys to making it work is the understanding that both of you have the right to call the question. Relationships are a continual negotiation and when circumstances change, then the terms of the relationship should change with them. If one person is miserable and the other is having the time of their lives, that’s inherently not fair to the miserable person. The point of an open relationship is that everyone is ok and on board; if opening things up is going to end up doing more harm than good, then you shouldn’t open the relationship. 

If you’re unsure about how you feel or whether those feelings are being influenced by wonky brain chemistry, then the best thing you can do is temporarily close things while you wait for the medication to do it’s thing (and acknowledging that it could take a while to find meds and dosages that work for you). And honestly, I’d say if you’re going to close it up while you’re getting your disorder under control, then close it up all the way. Which means your hubby calling things quits (for now) with the new girlfriend. Yes, it’s a shame that he doesn’t get to explore things further with her the way he’d want to but a) you need his love and support right now and b) there’s no point in frustrating him with what he can’t have or setting things up where oops he slipped and broke your arrangement.

Close things for now, get yourself in a better place and re-examine how you feel. If you legitimately are ok with it, you can reopen it again and everyone can pick up again later. And just in case you haven’t already, I suggest you both do your due diligence with regards to polyamory. Check out The Ethical Slut, Opening Up and More Than Two to help you both talk about what you want and how you’re going to make things work.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My husband and I are about to reach our ten year anniversary and are in the midst of preparing for a 2,000 mile move. I say both of these things first and foremost because I want it to be known that we are a lifetime couple with no plans of leaving one another.

However, in the past two years, my husband has been feeling neglected. We have sex almost every day, and on the days we don’t, I am made very aware of it.

His work schedule requires him to wake up between 7:30 and 8:30 in the morning. Mine requires me to be awake at 4:30 in the morning. About 90% of the time we don’t have sex, it’s because it is so late at night and I only have about 5 hours to sleep before work.

I am writing to you because we are having sex at least 5 times a week and it is still not enough for him. Any time we do not have sex, he holds it against me for hours, sometimes days.

The problem I am running into is that the more he gets upset or angry with me over these “missed encounters”, the more that sex becomes an act of duty, not intimacy.

I have tried explaining to him that when he gets angry, it lowers my emotional and sexual confidence to a point where I feel like I will never succeed. I have also told him that his reactions to our not having sex are far stronger than his reactions after we do. His response was simply that not having sex is “not an option”. For him to be happy, he must have sex two times a day, and he does not understand why I don’t just “fix the problem” and do as he asks.

I have never asked a friend or a family member about this as I do not want them to judge our relationship. But I need to know what “enough” sex is. Or maybe I need to know how to increase my sex drive or how to plan a sex schedule. Maybe all I need to know is that I am doing an okay job as a wife.

I just need someone to help me because I don’t want to lose my best friend down the line because of unchecked anger or latent resentment.

Any advice would help.

Trouble Brewing

DEAR TROUBLE BREWING: The problem isn’t how often you’re having sex, TB. The problem is the way your husband is acting. Because… well, holy gods, goddesses and assorted minor deities he’s acting like a giant bag of d

ks right now.

Let’s start off with the obvious: you’ve been together for damned near ten years now and you’re still having 5 times a week. That’s not just impressive, that’s downright rare. I know couples who’ve been together a tenth as long as you have who’re having sex five times a month.

The pesky thing about relationships – especially monogamous ones – is that passion tends to fade over time. This is known as the Coolidge Effect; humans have reduced interest in sex with the same partner (or partners) over time only to have that passion renewed when confronted with a new partner. When we partner up exclusively with someone for the long term, we have to confront the fact that our sexual desire for one another can diminish. Despite how this sounds, this is actually something of a feature not a bug; that initial rush of passion and desire (ideally) turns into something deeper and more emotionally intimate and prompts increased bonding on the emotional level. Moreover, there are many ways of rekindling that spark with one’s partner and bringing that “new relationship energy” rushing back.

What can I say? Humans are complex beasties when you get under the hood.

So it’s important to acknowledge for the sake of perspective that the two of you are already having a lot of sex, much more than most couples who’ve been together as long as you two have.

Now in any relationship there’s almost always going to be an imbalance of libidos. Even with two high-libido people, one person is likely going to want it more than another and it’s important to find a compromise that works for both parties. Sometimes that means defaulting to the preferred schedule of the person with the lower sex-drive. Sometimes it means that the person with the lower libido lends a helping hand (or mouth or vibrator or what-have-you) on occasion without having full-on sex. But the important part is that it’s done in a respectful and loving way, with both partners in mutual agreement. As you say: sex is a matter of love and intimacy (not to mention getting one’s rocks off) not a matter of duty and obligation.

And your husband, TB? He’s pretty much being the opposite of respectful and loving. In point of fact: he’s being a little s

t over this. It’s one thing to want more sex than one is getting – some folks want tons and tons of sex and that’s just fine – it’s another entirely when the other partner turns it into a matter of emotional blackmail when she or he doesn’t get their way. And that’s exactly what your husband is doing right how: he’s trying to pressure you emotionally into doing what he wants without any regard for how much this is hurting you. And the fact that he gets angry when you try to explain that to him… well, to be perfectly honest, that’s kind of a huge goddamn red flag.

Look, I’m going to come out and say it: this is at the very least borderline abusive behavior if not actual abuse.

And here’s the part that really gets under my skin: you’re taking what is very much his problem and internalizing it into something being wrong with you and holy hell, TB, you are not the one at fault there. I want you to understand this. This isn’t about you not being a good wife. Hell, you sound like you’re going above and beyond the proverbial call of duty here. The problem isn’t your libido. The problem isn’t his libido. The problem isn’t about a sex schedule. I mean, with your wonky work schedules, you’re still finding time to have sex five times a week (and I’m really hoping this is sex you’re both enjoying and not something you’re doing to get him off your back). The problem is the the way your husband is treating you over this.

I mean, let’s be honest here – there are plenty of ways the man can get his itch scratched without pressuring you in ways that make you want to curl up and die inside. If he needs to get off twice a day and three times on Sundays, he could easily spring for a Fleshlight or a Tenga and pound away for those times when the two of you are busy. It’s an easy way of satisfying one’s needs when their partner isn’t available. But that’s not the issue.

The issue is that he’s turning this into the club that he’s beating you over the head with.

I’m going to recommend is that you look into some couple’s counseling. You need to be able to express how you feel about this without your husband getting angry and shutting you down. Having a third party may well help facilitate this and hopefully will help the two of you find a way to make things work for the both of you.

You should also look into some private counseling for yourself because you’re internalizing his problems and blaming yourself instead of him.

If he won’t go to counseling and won’t compromise… well look, you say you don’t want to leave him. OK, fine, I’ll try to respect that. But you need to recognize that the way he’s treating you is not healthy. Not for you and not for your relationship. This isn’t about anger or resentment, this is about behavior. Relationships are about communication and compromise… and he’s not doing either.

Right now he’s hurting you. If he’s not willing to talk to you, to listen to your concerns and to work with you, then he’s showing you he doesn’t respect you.  This is not how a friend and lover behaves. This is the behavior of someone who just wants to use you.

Like I said: counseling. For the two of you and for you by yourself. And if he isn’t willing to work at this… well, you have some decisions to make.

Good luck, TB. And please check back in to let us know how you’re doing.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a nerd-girl, moderately attractive, so I find myself being the one initiating relationships (and sadly ending them.) Recently I asked out a fellow college student of mine over Facebook. We know each other through a gaming club, but we don’t get to talk much because it’s a large club, and I don’t see him other than that because he’s a theater major and I’m a science major. I decided to ask him out after two jokes he told; one on binary, the other on medieval weaponry.

I asked him if I could buy him a coffee, he responded immediately saying yes, and then we scheduled a time. My main issue is this:

Is it a date?

and

How do I know if he knows it’s a date?

Have I Made A Huge Mistake

DEAR HAVE I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE: There’s a part of me that’s absurdly tempted to link to one of a dozen ongoing hot takes and thought pieces on the whole “kids these days don’t go on dates they just ‘hang out'” idea that goes along with tut-tutting about hook-up culture but honestly? Most of the problem comes from people coasting on the ambiguity of the situation; a sort of Schrödinger’s Date that can be both A Date and Not A Date at the same time, so that one or both parties can save face if it turns out that the other person’s not into them. The irony, of course, is that trying to avoid that fear of rejection actually ends up making things worse as everyone tries to figure out whether this is A Date or not and respond accordingly.

(And then it gets especially bad when you’re dealing with same-sex dates. Is this a friend thing, or are they hoping for some smoochies at the end of it?1 )

But here’s the thing: rejection isn’t as bad as all that. It stings, sure, but like ripping off a bandage, it’s better to do it quick and clean than to drag it out. If someone’s not into you, it’s far better to find out before you’ve invested time and money into them, even if you’re just talking about the span of a half hour and the price of a cup of coffee.

Now, there’re times when it’s more likely that you can assume that a) yes, it’s a date and b) they know it’s a date. Met at a bar? Probably a date. Some flirtiness, some physical contact, especially beyond what most would consider to be friendly-touchy-feely? Almost certainly a date. Person making a point of buying the other person coffee/dinner/what-have-you? Well… there’s a little ambiguity if you squint (or, if like many nerds, you don’t believe that other people could find you attractive) but likely a date.

But you know how you can make sure that they know it’s a date? Spell it out for them. Ideally when you’re asking them out, but at least while you’re on the date. If you’re feeling especially shy or awkward about trying to wedge the d-word in, you can always bankshot it with “You know, I’ve been meaning to ask you out for a while…”which not only feels less intimidating but allows for both a subtle compliment (you’ve been into him for a bit) but can play on the nerd cliche of “bashfully forward” that many people find appealing.

And if he still doesn’t get it… well, sometimes you just have to beat a person about the head and shoulders with a clue-by-four. Or, y’know. Just plant one on him and hope he doesn’t assume you tripped and just ended up on his lips.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My wife and I have been married for 3 years now. From the very beginning we had an amazing sex life. Our relationship has always been very sexual, pushing the envelope and sex has always been a big part of my life. We have a 2 year old son together now and I love him more than anything in this world.

The issue is that since he was born my wife is more and more a mother and not as much of a sexual partner and it seems to get worse and worse. I understand that things have changed and do not expect 100% of her attention, but I still have needs. We have sex several times a week and she does still humor me with the kinkier things that I like and crave – anal sex, toys, light bondage, etc… but the problem is that it is always a halfhearted attempt in which it is a job to her, therefore, neither of us can fully enjoy any them. Which makes it more of a chore for her the next time, and so on, and so forth.

This has steadily gotten worse and worse. There are some things that I have recently discovered about myself and my sexual desires that I was not aware of before or that I simply put off as wrong or something that others would not accept. These include bi-sexual desires, group sex, swapping, seeing her with anther man, deeper into bondage, d/s roleplay, etc…

We recently vacationed at Desire as kind of a test the waters type of vacation. We agreed that if the situation was right and everyone involved was comfortable we would explore these things together, starting very slowly. Night one, before any water testing was done by either of us, we have an argument because I felt misled after she told me that I was going to have to decide whether it was her (our marriage) or these things. I chose her, obviously.

The problem that I am experiencing is that I cannot simply forget these things. I cannot change my sexual urges. It kills me because I would honestly give her anything in the world she wanted or needed to be happy. It truly makes me happy to make her happy. I feel that her forcing me to make this choice is not fair, and at the same time realize that she did not “sign up for this” from the beginning so it is her choice not to accept it.

Since we have gotten back from our vacation she told me that she hates doing some of the kinkier things we now already do. That she is vanilla and I am becoming more and more um, un-vanilla-y, and that I have to decide if I can live without these things. Not for the time being until things are on solid ground, not until she gets over her trust issues and feels comfortable, Never. (By trust issues I am referring to her family/parents, not in a sexual way. I have never been unfaithful to her either.)

Now I feel like I could never tell her anything else about my sexual desires/kinks/etc… because its like she is disgusted by them. We are living in constant turmoil due to all of this. What do we do? I have asked her if we could open our marriage so that I could get these things somewhere else and she said no. She does not know about my bi-sexual urges. I stayed at work late last night trying to put all of this into words and let her know that it is not just some off the cuff idea I have, that it is actually a need I feel.

As I said, we are still dealing with this issue. So I call her on the way home from work and tell her that I have something I want her to read because I have a hard time expressing myself when I’m upset. She told me “I’ve already told you that you can forget about it completely, forever or we need to get a divorce”. I am not mad because she does not want this, I’m mad because she is forcing me to choose. Am I blowing this all out of proportion and need to just accept what I have? For some reason I am stuck thinking that I cannot have both. Any advice would be extremely helpful.

Sexless in Seattle

DEAR SEXLESS IN SEATTLE: Hoo boy.

These are the letters I hate getting SiS because I can feel the urgency radiating from it, that last-ditch hope that maybe somebody has the magic answers that will make everything better.

And I don’t.

I’m not surprised that your sex life slowed down after your son was born; that’s perfectly normal. Not only are there hormonal changes – in men and women – that crater people’s sex-drives after childbirth, but having children makes sex a logistical nightmare. Child care becomes your number one priority and lesser needs – like, y’know, sleep – tend to fall by the wayside and never quite recover until the kid’s out of the house.

It’s a testament to your wife’s commitment to you and your love-life that she’s been going out of her way to keep you satisfied; she’s putting in some heroic efforts to make things work… especially considering that it’s increasingly clear that she hates doing it.

And therein lies the problem.

What you’ve got here, SiS is a nasty case of sexual incompatibility. You have needs that your wife not only doesn’t share but is apparently actively repulsed by. I’m a big believer in sexual communal strength – what Dan Savage refers to as Good, Giving and Game – being an important part of a relationship but part of being GGG means not doing things that repulse you or otherwise leave you crying in the shower. And it’s pretty clear that your wife has been going above and beyond and doing those things that she can’t stand.

Don’t get me wrong, SiS; I’m not saying you’re the bad guy here. Neither is your wife. The problem is that you want things that your wife can not and will not provide, nor is she interested in opening things up so that you can get your needs met discretely elsewhere. I don’t think it’s right of her to refuse to even listen (or read, in this case) what you have to say about the matter, but it’s fairly clear that she’s drawn the line: she won’t help you satisfy those desires. At the same time, it’s not as though she hasn’t tried – apparently to the point of emotional self-harm – so I can’t fully blame her either. This whole situation is a perfect storm of bad news.

And unfortunately, the only way this whole thing could’ve been to recognize this incompatibility in the first place, before it made everyone involved miserable.  If I had the keys to the TARDIS, maybe we could’ve gone back and you could realize that those half-hearted attempts at keeping you happy were a sign that she couldn’t stand things and you could have addressed this problem earlier.

But I don’t and you can’t.

I hate saying this, SiS, but I think this marriage is effectively over. You want very different things and there really is no way to square this particular circle without causing some pretty severe psychic harm to someone – either you have to suppress your desires or she has to do things that shred her soul. I think the best thing you could possibly do to salvage anything from this relationship is to end things as amicably as possible. It’s not an easy decision to make but I think it’s the kindest; you’re giving each other the freedom to find someone who’s more compatible with you while not trying to raise your son in this family dynamic of tension and turmoil and resentment. It would also mean that you’re in a better position to be if not friends, then at least on good terms, as you work as co-parents to your son.

I wish I had happier advice for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve noticed that I am wasting 1-2 hours of my time talking with my girlfriend every day. To me, it’s just a huge waste of time. I mean I do have other things to get done. When I try to get her to stop talking and tell her I have to go she just gets mad and says “Fine, you don’t want to talk to me, I see how it is” or something similar to that. GOD I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE. I don’t think I have ever talked to any of my guy friends over the phone for more than 3 minutes.

I do love her. I love her a lot. We meet every weekend and spend great time together. But I don’t like wasting 1-2 hours every day talking about useless stuffs with her.

What should I do? I want to spend less time talking with her on the phone (about 30 mins a day would be good) without hurting her feelings.

Hope you can help, Dr NerdLove.

No Small Talk

DEAR NO SMALL TALK: Phrasing is everything. I get what you’re saying, NST, but I don’t think you realize how you’re coming across – both to me and, more to the point, to your girlfriend.

If you tell your girlfriend that you view talking to her as wasting your time, she’s going to very understandably feel insulted; you’re basically telling her that you find her wanting to share her life with you to be pointless. That’s pretty damn rude, especially for someone you care about.

Personally, I’m of the mind that spending some time sharing your day with your partner isn’t a big deal but hey, that’s how I roll.

Also, it ain’t great when she responds in such a passive-aggressive manner, but you’re the one who wrote in so let’s focus on you.

What you need to do is explain how you feel without insulting her or telling her that you feel her sharing her day with you is a waste. You want to frame it in terms of your communication style, not a judgement on her. Explain that you just aren’t comfortable talking for long periods on the phone, with anyone – it’s just not how you’re wired; once you go past 30 minutes, you start getting antsy. You’d much rather catch up and spend time in person, when you can give her your full and undivided attention, rather than feeling like you’re having to split your time between her and the things you need to get done and not giving sufficient attention to either.

If she’s not down for trying to keep things to 30 minutes at a time, perhaps you can reach a compromise. Maybe you can email back and forth, when you’re able to control the pace and respond when you’re not feeling like you need to work on other things. Perhaps you could text.

Just don’t tell her that you find talking to her for longer than 30 minutes to be a waste. That’s just going to be insulting no matter how you phrase it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)