DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My friend told me about your YouTube channel recently, and since I need some dating advice myself I ended up going down the rabbit hole on your site. I have a problem.

I liked what you said in a recent video about reading the room and I think my mentor read the room wrong just one time and now my employers want to bring the hammer down.

I recently got promoted into a HR manager at an office and have been working there for the past 3 years. Couple of months after my promotion, my friend/mentor of a different department was accused of sexual harassment by an intern. She said that he kept hugging her, holding her hand when saying hello, asking about her dating life, joked about sex, and would invite her to private lunches or talks on the roof, even to dinner or drinks after work.

My boss is telling me to maybe fire him or demote him. I think he is testing me to see what I will do to handle the situation.

However, I have known this guy since I started working here and he does this with ALL the girls in the office. When I got hired, I was worried too but the other girls told me nothing was wrong. Even now none of the other girls have a problem with it when I ask them about it. To us he is a great mentor and like a father figure. He listens to us and helps us with problems and even our relationship problems. He helped me through a bad breakup recently too and some of us are even comfortable enough to talk about our sex lives with him. He was a nice manager who trained me to be where I am right now. He pointed out the office creeps, told me how things were done, let me in on the gossip, and since he was cousins with a former upper manager, he helped me get the position I am in now. He is a good guy.

I honestly think that some of the guys are just jealous of how close he is with us and how he protects us from the creeps. Many of them are ganging up on him saying he has been doing this for years and with other girls who quit. I don’t think it is an issue since every other girl who DOES and still works here says it’s fine. This is the first complaint he has ever gotten on company record. I think they are just jealous because the girls like him. He also keeps the creeps he tells us about from being promoted. These are some of the main guys complaining about him.

He has been working here for the past 8 years and has helped countless of women feel comfortable in the office and is close friends with many other managers. I consider him a close friend and he knows about my personal problems. I don’t want to lose him or make him reveal my personal life out of anger.

I can’t help but feel bad for him too because he is in his late 20s but has been single for the past 10 years, give or take a hook up once in a while. I also know he can’t get promoted in the future either because this allegation. Upper management is abandoning him. I don’t know what the office would be like without him. I don’t want to lose him as a friend or demote him and I don’t want to open the door to the creeps he tells us about to take his position. He has been asking me and other managers to help dismiss the case since she is crazy. She didn’t even tell me directly but went to my boss. I feel like the intern is overreacting since all the other girls are fine with it, and if she just told me, I would have told her to let it go. He is a good, friendly guy who was looking out for her.

I would normally just fire him if it was anyone else.

How should I react on this? or what’s your opinion?

-HR’s Nightmare

DEAR HR’S NIGHTMARE: Can I ask you something, HRN? Are you looking for actual advice or are you hoping for a permission slip for what you want to do? Because, honestly? I get a lot of letters from folks who write in hoping I’m gonna sign off on what they want to have happen instead of what needs to happen.

You’re in a lousy position, HRN, but it’s one that comes with the territory. One of the things that comes with the job when you’re a manager is that there will be times that you’re going to have to bring the hammer down and discipline people. And if you were promoted from within, it’s possible that some of those folks were friends of yours. This leaves you in the awkward position of having to actually do your job vs. giving your friends a pass because hey, buds, right? Gotta remember where you came from and all.

It gets doubly troublesome when your friends are getting dragged in front of you for some pretty serious issues.

Now let’s get to the meat of your question: Should you give him a pass?

Short version: no.

The issue your former mentor is having isn’t that he misread the room ONCE, it’s that he’s done it many times. You said it yourself: he kept hugging her, holding her hand, asking about her love life, and asking her out on dates. It’s not that he a single awkward moment and now his job’s on the line, it’s that he’s done this repeatedly.

It’d be one thing if he asked her out on a date, she said “no” and he said “fair enough” and dropped the subject. The same applies to making a joke or two and realizing that he was making her uncomfortable. If he’d recognized that he screwed up, apologized and stopped, then hey maybe he gets a lecture about boundaries and professional behavior in the office. S

t happens and sometimes we’ll make a joke or a comment without realizing that we’re about to cross a line that we didn’t know was there. People understand that this is going to happen because hey, none of us are telepaths or clairvoyants.

But when we keep stepping on those lines, that’s when there’s a problem.

The problem isn’t that aggressive flirts or “touchy-feely” guys are full of malice, it’s that they haven’t faced consequences for crossing the line. As a result, they tend to think that their behavior is acceptable because hey, nobody’s ever smacked their nose for it. If you never tell a dog no when it poops on the rug, it’ll think that it’s perfectly fine to poop on the rug. And while YOU may be ok with a dog-crap-scented rug, the first time it does this on someone else’s rug, there’s gonna be a problem.

Guess what just happened to your buddy?

Now, you tell me he’s a sweet guy. I’m kind of questioning this, because man, lines like “I don’t want him to reveal my personal history out of anger” makes my Spidey-sense tingle. But hey, let’s say I take your word for it that he is. It’s lucky for him that thus far his co-workers haven’t had a problem with him being so touchy-flirty. But the fact that he’s nice to other people or that other folks are cool with it doesn’t mean that his behavior is acceptable in general. One of the common defenses people raise for abusers is “Well, he was never mean to me,” which is nice and all, but that doesn’t change what he did to the people he DID abuse. Your friend may not have crossed the line with other co-workers, but he did here.

Repeatedly.

The fact that he’s single doesn’t give him a pass; the fact that someone’s terminally horny doesn’t mean that they can’t tell when somebody’s uncomfortable and that they should back off. The fact that he’s been good to you over your time there is nice and all and something to keep in mind when you’re deciding what to do, but that doesn’t undo what he’s done. And, I’m not gonna lie: I’m not thrilled with you our your friend running to “she’s overreacting” and “dismiss the case because she’s crazy”.   If he were apologizing and looking to make things right, I’d have fewer concerns. But “bury this complaint because she’s a crazy bitch”? That’s another thing that sets off my Spidey-sense.

Now let’s be real here: the only reason you’re hesitating is because this is a friend. That’s the prime motivation for a lot of the excuses you’re giving here – the feeling that there’s a conspiracy to get him fired, the belief that your boss is testing you, the worry that he’s the lone defense against creeps descending on the vulnerable women in the office, etc. You even say it in your letter: if it were anyone else, you’d fire him. That should tell you what you need to know and what you need to do.

(And honestly? If the ONLY thing standing between the women of the office and an army of creepers is one dude? Then your problem isn’t this dude getting fired or disciplined, it’s holy hopping sheep s

t your office’s culture is garbage and you all need to root that out.)

Look maybe he’s not necessarily a bad guy, and I feel for you being in this position. But the fact is: dude screwed up, and the fact that office politics are the only thing keeping him from facing the consequences of his actions is not a good look on anyone.

If there’s someone else in HR at your level, then it might be worth having them talk to the intern and see how she feels about things and what she’d like to see happen. She might prefer that he knock it off and leave her alone, instead of escalating it all the way to being fired. It’s not impossible that she would be ok with an apology and his being moved to a different department where she doesn’t have to deal with him.

What I DON’T suggest is for YOU talk to her; that’s going to feel a lot like you’re there just to protect your friend at her expense.

But the at the end pf the day. you’re the HR manager. You’ve got a job to do – to maintain the company’s rules and make sure the company’s employees feel safe working there. You have an employee who screwed up big time. It sucks that he’s a friend, it sucks that he’s a good guy, but he still made a mistake.

You may not need to fire him, but he does need to be disciplined, before he does this again.

Good luck

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I was guided to your blog my my sister who sent me a couple of articles concerning finding love late in life, and your words really spoke to me. As a five-foot-eight, 37-year-old virgin (NOT the first who’s written to you!) I enjoy your ‘Ask Dr. NerdLove’ entries a great deal, while also focusing on more than a few of your writings. I haven’t read your books though, and I should get around to that!

I have an issue which I need to overcome in order to make sure I’m confident enough to put myself out there. Body Image.

Having been inspired by your story about your transformation, I have recently started working out at my local gym and am proud to say that for the last few weeks I have been very consistent. I have made great progress with weight training and have been able to increase my capacity while developing muscle. I am starting to feel more energetic, and with more progress I might hopefully go down a trouser size or two. However, I have a medical issue which still haunts me and makes me feel ugly and unattractive, and no matter how much exercise I do it seems to never go away.

You see, I have a bad case of gynecomastia, to use the strictly medical term, and I have read that this is mainly due to a terrible hormonal imbalance. I have tried to do whatever I possibly could to mitigate the effect, be it bench presses, fly exercises, press-ups (push-ups!) or what have you, and yet it still seems to stick around. I am more and more convinced that surgery at a later date (provided I have the money!) is the only way I can make it go away, although I am still hopeful that I can naturally get rid of it before then. But it’s because of this that I NEVER walk around bare-chested like a lot of buff guys do, and have NEVER gone swimming for a LONG time.

What’s even worse is the issue of clothing. I remember in at least one or two of your articles you talked about the importance of dressing well, specifically avoiding loose or baggy clothing and wearing more clothing which highlights your frame. Now a problem here is that the tighter the shirts I wear, the more highlighted my gynecomastia becomes. Therefore, while I could technically wear a size L shirt or t-shirt, I steadfastly prefer size XL since it doesn’t really highlight my body in an unflattering light. It becomes a bit of an issue when I go out with my friends to a pub or a bar, because my friends are studs in their own right and look rather healthy. I don’t bother to approach girls in part because I don’t feel manly or attractive, and just spend my time having a few drinks and enjoying myself. Not that it necessarily bothers me, but I need to change this aspect of myself and I am doing what I can.

I’ll keep going to the gym because I like the way I’m going about it and I know I’m getting some good results even if I’m not losing weight yet. But I still have to live with this problem for now and what hurts is that I can’t hide it. So this is my question, loaded as it might be: How can I possibly improve my dress sense and start to look and feel better without highlighting my body issues? Also, have you had this problem before? What did you do to solve it? Your wisdom is greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance,

Trying To Overcome Body Shame

DEAR TRYING TO OVERCOME BODY SHAME: I’m sorry you’re having issues, TOBS; there’s nothing quite like making progress but having areas that you just can’t not obsess over. And hey, I feel ya. I’ve got my own body issues and weird-ass insecurities that drive me up the wall, even when I understand them intellectually. But part of developing your confidence and self-esteem is to learn to accept, even love your body with it’s various idiosyncrasies.

Now this doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t do things that can bring positive changes.

The good news is that you’re doing things mostly right. You’re hitting the gym and working out and hopefully you’re pairing that with healthy eating habits. That’s good, regardless of anything else. Even if you don’t turn into a sculpted Adonis, you’re going to be improving your physical and emotional health… and hopefully enjoying yourself in the process.

So let’s talk a little about gynecomastia. There are a lot of potential causes beyond just having a hormone imbalance. Some medications can cause it, as can excessive alcohol consumption or illegal drug use. Other times there’re medical conditions that can trigger it, ranging from hyperthyroidism to breast cancer. This is one of the reasons why you’re better to talk to a real doctor, not Doctor Google or a loudmouth with an advice column; they’re the ones who can tell you whether there’s a medical cause or you just have a lot of fatty tissue in your chest. They’re also the ones who can tell you just what can be done about it; surgery is the most common option, but there are medicinal treatments as well. It all depends on your circumstances.

However, one thing that WON’T help is strength training. Gynecomastia isn’t just that you have flabby pecs, it’s the fatty tissue over them. You can have a chest like Arnold Schwarzenegger and still be dealing with having excess fat over them. I’m sure someone has told you that abs aren’t built in the gym, they’re built in the kitchen. Sit ups will strengthen the muscles, but if they’re surrounded by fat, you still can’t see them. Chest flies and incline dumbbell presses will build and sculpt your muscle, but it won’t reduce the fat that’s causing you to have breasts. Your eating habits will help some – especially if the issue is how much alcohol you drink. But ultimately, gynecomastia is a medical issue and you can only do so much without medical assistance.

That having been said, this doesn’t mean that you’re screwed or that you need to hide behind baggy, shapeless clothes. One option would be to look into compression tops like Spanx or Esteem Apparel (which are designed specifically for gynecomastia). These look like undershirts or athletic-wear and can be worn under your every day clothes with nobody being any the wiser. These can give you more confidence and help you feel like you’re wear your real size instead of looking like you’re swimming in your own clothing“allowed” to.

But honestly? The best thing you can do is learn to love your body, boobs and all. Just because you’re big doesn’t mean that you can’t dress stylishly or well. In fact, dressing sharp will probably do wonders for your self-esteem, regardless of your size or shape. When you dress well, you’re sending a message that you care about your appearance, which also carries the implication that you’re worth caring about. That message goes both ways, by the way; the way we dress affects how we feel and perform. Taking the time and effort to dress up sharp tells you that you’re worth putting that effort in. It may feel like a costume at first, but trust me: it will become natural quickly, especially if you do it consistently.

Nor does being large – or having gynecomastia – mean that women won’t be attracted to you. Women aren’t a hive mind; they love a wide variety of body types and shapes. Your personality, your humor and your fashion sense will do as much for creating an awesome first impression as whether you’ve got abs like PHWOAR. And to be honest? The longer you take to “put yourself out there”, the more often you’ll find excuses not to.

So put in the effort, TOBS. Get some awesome clothes, maybe a control top or two and stop treating your body like something shameful. It may not be the Hollywood ideal, but nobody is. Stop trying to hide and show yourself that you’re worth it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I’m a female in college, and have been dating “D” for a year now; our first anniversary was actually on Sunday. He’s a pretty cool guy, and we obviously get along pretty well, but there is a definite problem in our sex life. I’m basically always horny, but three times out of four he says he’s too tired.  I’m sure you can see how frustrating that is. I’m lucky to get it once a week. He watches porn and beats off almost every day, which I always took as indicative of a high sex drive, but now I’m not so sure. Is it wrong of me to want sex more often if he doesn’t feel like giving it? It sounds petty, but I didn’t even get it on our anniversary. 

I’ve never orgasmed with him, because when we do have sex he freaks out at he idea of touching or even looking at my vagina. Any time we do have sex, it’s in the hopes of orgasming vaginally, which I know is kind of a stretch. I like giving him pleasure, but he doesn’t seem to want to reciprocate beyond playing with my boobs. 

I really don’t know what to do. The thought of breaking up with him is scary because he’s been such a huge part of my life, but I can’t seem to get through to him how frustrated I am. Your advice would be so much appreciated. 

-Unfulfilled

DEAR UNFULFILLED: You’ve got a problem here Unfulfilled, but I don’t think it’s the one you think you have.

You seem to think that it’s a case of mismatched libidos… and while that may be true, I hate to say it but that isn’t your problem.

Right off the bat, masturbating every day doesn’t necessarily indicate the relative strength of one’s sex drive. People (men and women both) jerk off for many reasons, plenty of which don’t even have much to do with sex; they may be trying to relax to go to sleep, they may be trying to vent some frustration, they may even be trying to last longer when they do have sex. Some asexuals with penises will masturbate to keep the prostate clear and healthy, instead of out of actual desire. Hell, if you’re Grant Morrison, then masturbation is a way of casting magic spells.

Jerking it to porn? That’s a different story; dude’s horny and wanting to get off.

Now someone call Sir Mix-A-Lott because there’s a big “but” coming:

BUT. That doesn’t cover the other, bigger problem that’s going on here… and that’s the fact that he doesn’t want to get off with YOU.

He doesn’t really want to have sex with you you. He may be tossing you a lay every now and then to get you off his back or because he’s gotten tired of jerking it and wants the real thing for variety’s sake, but he’s indicating through his behavior that he’s more concerned about getting it over and done with as quickly as possible so he can go back to whatever else he’s wanting to do.

And let’s be clear: this doesn’t say anything about you or your desirability. This has nothing to do with his porn consumption. It does, however, have EVERYTHING to do with what’s going on between his ears.

If your boyfriend literally freaks out over (as opposed to just has some immature “eww gross” aversion to) touching or even looking at your junk, then he’s got some serious issues going on. He may be gynophobic. He may find vaginas aesthetically displeasing to such a degree that he can’t handle it. He may well be gay and either severely closeted or deeply in denial and playing with your vagina ruins the fantasy that he’s really in bed with Ryan Gosling instead. Regardless: he’s got more issues than National Geographic and needs to be talking to somebody about them.

Side note: he may be focusing exclusively on vaginal orgasms because he’s so overexposed to porn that he doesn’t actually get that porn sex isn’t real sex. Many, if not most folks with vulvas, f’rex, can’t orgasm vaginally without some form of clitoral stimulation. The old “look-ma-no-hands” penetration-only orgasm tends to be exceedingly uncommon… except in porn where it’s seen as de rigueur. Thanks to the shoddy excuse for what passes as sexual education in this country, he may well assume that what’s true in porn is true for real life sex too. But this is the paper-cut to the sucking chest-wound that is the rest of his problems.

Frankly, you’re going to be better off dumping his ass so hard that his grandparents divorce retroactively. Even if he does resolve whatever weird anatomical freakout he’s got going on, his overall behavior is telling you that he’s a) a selfish prick and b) not into you. That’s a pretty good reason to ditch the zero and go find a hero.

You’re young, you’re in college and you can (and will) do better than somebody who treats your body like something disgusting that he can only just barely manage to tolerate touching.

Yes, he seems like he’s been a big part of your life now, but you haven’t been dating him all that long in the grand scheme of things. A year isn’t that long, especially when you’re in college. You’ll have an easier time recovering from the break up if you end it now – the quick, clean break heals fastest – and you’ll have the best chance of being able to salvage a friendship out of this later on when you’ve both had some distance and perspective if he’s otherwise as cool of a guy as you think.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I have a big problem with the way I want my dating life to go.

You see I am a geek. I want to be a bestselling fantasy novel writer like George RR Martin. I love anime, rpgs, fantasy, scifi and anime conventions.

My dating life is empty. I have read many dating books from pick up artist like David Deangelo, Mystery Method and a bunch others online. When I was in college I did try many of the stuff they taught like the cocky funny lines. I got really good responses from girls. then I learned something about my self.

Although I am nerdy hispanic, I am only attracted to women who are Caucasian, European and Asian but not my own kind… does that sound wrong? I use to dislike my self for that but I learned to accept my self. 

You see once I tried the pick up artist stuff I stopped because I realize that I was just feeding my ego and being cocky funny does not get you the girl.

I was faking my confidence. soon the girls that I was talking saw right through me. I get really nervous. I have stage fright. I am naturally quiet.  I dislike the neighborhood I live in. I feel like I must hide my nerdiness many times or girls wont talk to me in public. The only place where I feel I can meet my kind of girls is at conventions and geeky events. still I feel as though because of my ethnicity the girls I am attracted to aren’t attracted to me. 

The there is another problem. I have a big sex drive. I masturbate a lot. I have a lot of trouble finding a girlfriend. When I do finally go to a place where my kind of girls. it is usually a few times a year because nerdy events in my area don’t happen often plus there the money issue. I feel as though I wont be happy dating regular girls outside the geek community. There is not enough chemistry and either I get bored of them no matter how hot they are or they just want to use me. 

I feel like I have to hide my nerdiness to get laid. DAMN its so frustrating. Feels like everything that makes me happy is far from me.

Help,

No Need For A Cool Acronym

DEAR NO NEED FOR A COOL ACRONYM: You just used a whole lot of words to tell me that you really don’t like yourself.

Seriously. You list a whole lot of things that aren’t actually problems that you seem to be ashamed of, give yourself artificial limitations and otherwise explain why you think you suck. Being quiet? Not actually a problem. Having a large sex drive? Not actually a problem. Masturbating a lot? Unless you’re actually rubbing yourself raw: not really a problem. Being a nerd? NOT A PROBLEM.

Here’s something you’re not going to want to hear: you’re not going to be happy with a nerd girl either because you’re not actually interested in a girl who is nerdy. Geeks aren’t restricted to only dating geeks; you want a partner who’s geek-accepting, who can accept that you love what you love even if he or she doesn’t necessarily get it. Sharing your interests is a bonus, not a prerequisite. The problem isn’t that nerds can only be happy with other nerds, the problem is that you’ve basically painted yourself into a corner with all of these things you dislike about yourself. You’ve been looking for external validation; this is what you were doing when you were using “cocky-funny” and “feeding your own ego”. You were trying to get other people to think you were “cool” and it wasn’t working, so now you’ve traded that in. You’re hoping to find yourself a Geek Girl who will justify the fact that you’re a nerd too. I also strongly suspect that part of why you’re looking for an Asian or Caucasian girlfriend is because you’ve internalized the idea that they’re “harder to get”, and thus are “cooler” than dating a Hispanic woman… and thereby invoking the transitive property of “coolness”, making you cool by association.

Needless to say, this is not a good way to find yourself a relationship – or even just to be happy. That’s the problem with external validation; you’re trying to temporarily pave over a hole with sex, with having a Girlfriend (as opposed to a girlfriend), with other people thinking you’re cool as opposed to you thinking you’re cool… but the hole never goes away. You need to fill the hole, not cover it up…. and that means learning to be happy with who you are.

If you want to get better with women, you need to get better with yourself first. I’ve written a lot about self-improvement; browse through the archives on my site, check out episodes of the podcast and start putting those ideas into practice. Spend some time working on finding your own value instead of trying to find things that will “give” you value. Finding that internal validation – learning to realize that you’re money and you know you’re money – will solve most of the problems you’re having.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I got dumped unexpectedly last night by a woman I’d been seeing for about two months. I liked her quite a bit; I made it clear to her that I liked her, and that I wanted her, and that I was fine with moving at whatever pace was comfortable for her. I wasn’t exactly planning the proposal, but I was definitely at a point where I was thinking there might be some potential for something serious. 

When she broke up with me last night she said that she thinks I’m very sweet, and she has a blast when she’s with me, but the romantic spark never appeared for her. I was a little surprised by this–less than a week ago we enjoyed a pretty heavy makeout session that ended only when we agreed with some difficulty that it might be a good idea to slow down. I had originally worried I wasn’t building physical chemistry with her, but once we got to the point that most dates were ending with an hour or so of kissing and cuddling I figured I was in good shape.

So, what I’m wondering is: was there something I should have done differently, or done more of? Is this just a case of two people with a fundamental incompatibility? In short, did I screw this up, or is this just a case of something better discovered sooner than later?

Feeling Confused

DEAR FEELING CONFUSED: You didn’t do anything wrong, FC. The long and short of it is that you weren’t compatible and that was never going to change.

You wanted something that she just wasn’t going to be able to give; you wanted a relationship and she just wasn’t feeling that with you. You may have had the physical chemistry –  she was digging the sloppy make-outs –  but the emotions just weren’t there and there wasn’t any sign of that changing. Don’t get me wrong: she definitely liked you. After all, she was going out of her way to give it time to see if things would develop, but (and I hate to devolve to cliche) she just didn’t like you that way. Sexual attraction is great and an important part of relationships, but it’s not enough for a long-term relationship on it’s own.

There comes a point in a relationship when you have to check and see if you’re on the same page… and frankly, you weren’t. You wanted something serious with her and she just wasn’t feeling the same way about you. And so she ended it. And it sucks, I know. God knows I’ve been there. But in the long run… she was doing you a favor.

I realize that it doesn’t feel this way right now. It’s still fresh and raw and you have no real distance or perspective on the matter. It’s actually a testament to her feelings for you that she was willing to break up with you when she did. But by cutting things off early on, she was saving you both from greater pain down the line. Sticking things out would have ultimately meant that she was leading you on and that wouldn’t be fair to either of you; all that she would be doing is postponing the inevitable and ultimately making the pain worse when you eventually realized that the entire time you thought you were building to something serious, she was only sticking around because she was afraid to hurt you. That is the sort of pain that ruins people for a long, long time.

So she was cruel to be kind, breaking things off even though she liked you, liked making out with you and had fun with you. She risked the pain now to save you from worse later on. And that means a lot. She was being a better friend to you than you realized. Take comfort in that and realize that you’ll be in a better position to find someone who is on the same page as you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need advice on whether my girlfriend is cheating on me.

We are in a long distance relationship; she is about 2 hours away and we see each other every other weekend. We’re going on 3 months now. The reason I think she maybe cheating on me is because for awhile she didn’t think it was important to communicate with me throughout the day. She’s gotten better about it after we had a fight, but she’s still acting shady. When she is around me she never wants to drink because she gets crazy, but when she’s not around me she will get drunk with her best friend. When she does go out, she doesn’t tell me and I don’t hear from her at all. The only way I know is when she brags about it the next morning. I’ve asked her why she doesn’t talk to me when she’s out and what she says is that its rude to text in front of other people, but she text in front of me all the time.

She is always talking about her past and it finally got to a point were I told her that I don’t wanna hear it and that it makes me think she is missing something. Whenever I try to talk about my problems with her, she gets defensive and takes everything to the extreme. For instance when I was talking to her about the drinking thing she said “Fine, I won’t drink and hangout with my friends anymore”. I love her and she says she loves me but I don’t know anymore. I just don’t wanna waste time with the wrong person. Everybody I talk to tells me she is, but I don’t know what to believe. Please help!

Totally Really Lost

DEAR TOTALLY REALLY LOST: None of these are signs that she’s cheating on you, TRL. What they are is a whole mess of signs that it’s time for the two of you to break up already, because hot damn you two aren’t working out.

Let’s take this apart a little, shall we? To start with, you’re both doing the long-distance relationship thing wrong. When you’re in a long distance relationship, communication is key. It’s difficult to maintain a romantic connection over a distance; even Skype or FaceTime calls aren’t going to be the same as when you’re in person. But one of the first things you have to do is establish your communication needs; some people prefer to talk once a day, others like an end-of-the-week download with sporadic texting or IMing. Expecting constant contact throughout the day, on the other hand, is going to be pushing things, even for the most “shmoopy” of couples.

Just on a practical level, there are going to be long stretches during the day when it’s just not possible to be texting, IMing or chatting over Facebook.  Sometimes you’re just going to not get a prolonged conversation, or even an immediate response. If you’re going to freak out about periods of radio silence over the course of the day, then you’re not ready for a serious relationship. If you can’t handle being out of contact with her, then the issue is no longer about how much you care about one another, it’s about your needing constant reassurance and validation from her.  A relationship isn’t a deposition, especially one as brief as yours is. You’re not her parole officer and she’s not required to check in with you before she goes out with her friends, nor is she obligated to constantly be providing you with updates when she’s out having fun.

Now to be fair: talking with her about your needs and working to find a compromise that works for the both of you is a step in the right direction. It’s just too damn bad that everything takes about five dozen backwards after that. I’m going to be honest: neither of you are covering yourselves in glory here. You’re being clingy while she’s coming off as incredibly rude and inconsiderate.

When it comes to understanding people, there’s looking at what they say and looking at what they do. And right now, what your snugglebunny is saying and doing? Two very different things.

Let’s take the drinking issue. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you’re welded together at the hip, nor does it mean that you aren’t allowed to go out and party down with your BFF when your significant other is around. But it’s another thing entirely when it’s a Jekyll and Hyde situation; claiming not to like drinking because it makes her get wild, but going out and closing down the clubs when you’re not around is a sign that she’s not being straight with you… especially when she’s bragging (your words) about all the crazy times she had. You know. Those crazy times she told you she doesn’t like having.

Similarly, there’s her telling you that she thinks texting in front of other people is rude and then texting other people in front of you. Even allowing for the fact that this is the excuse she’s giving you for not taking time away from being with her friends to text with you (which is pretty impolite), the fact that she’s doing something that she believes to be rude to you tells you a little about how much she respects you. The way the two of  you argue isn’t any better; the passive-aggressive “well fine, I guess I just won’t hang out with my friends any more!” response is  just a way of shutting you down without actually addressing the issues at hand. 

This isn’t a healthy relationship for either of you. The best thing for both of you is to break up now. Even at the most generous viewing, she’s selfish and rude and you need to do some maturing so that you can get to the point where you don’t need to be in constant contact. Let her go find someone else and spend your time working on yourself so you can find someone who is right for you… and you can be right for her.

Good luck.