DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 22 years old and I have been married for a year. My husband and I used to have sex all the time. Crazy good sex. All of the sudden, it started to go downhill.

He always said he liked oral better and he “HAD to be in the mood for sex to have it”. Even if I beg for it, even if I sit on top of him, nothing will work. He just “has to be in the mood”. I am so sexually frustrated and hurt. He said it has nothing to do with me and that he still of course finds me attractive so it’s not that he lost interest or anything. I’m just so confused as to why it all of the sudden stopped and why I can’t get him to have sex with me at all? I’m frustrated, hurt, and ashamed to talk about it with friends. I have talked to him about it many times and in the beginning he always just said “I have to be in the mood”. Now he just gets annoyed because I ask all of the time, “why can’t we ever have sex?!”. Tonight is my birthday and I still could not get any. Please please give me some advice. I feel as if I have tried everything and that this is too early in the relationship to have this problem. I also feel that he is too young to have any health issues! Please please help me out here.

Frantic, Frustrated and Female

DEAR FRANTIC, FRUSTRATED AND FEMALE: This is one of those times when it’s frustrating that I’m not an actual doctor, because there are so many potential reasons for this that it’s pretty much impossible to give you an answer. The human sex drive is complex and any number of things can cause it to fall fall apart. Just because he’s young doesn’t mean that it’s impossible for him to have something physically or mentally affecting his libido.

It could be physical. It could be emotional. It could be a combination of the two. He could have prostate problems. He could suspect (or know) he has an STI and doesn’t know how to tell you. He could have realized he’s gay and doesn’t feel that he can come out of the closet. He could have or could be cheating on you. He could be asexual and just doesn’t want to have sex with ANYONE. Or he could have suddenly decided that at 22 (oh God you two married young) he’s suddenly done with sex. Or it could be something else entirely. Like I said: Dr. NerdLove is not a doctor.

The first clue that could tell us what might be wrong is just how quickly the cut-off happened; did his interest in sex taper off, or was it like turning off a light-switch? The second thing that would be relevant is how long this has been going on: a month, six months, a year? A reduced interest in sex for a week or two is unusual but not a crisis and is usually circumstantial. A lack of interest for a couple months or longer is indicative of something serious going on.

The next thing would be potential external factors. Has he had some major event in his life like losing a job or loved one? Is he experiencing unusual levels of stress – struggling to keep from being evicted levels of stress, not “Oh hell, I forgot I had a deadline at work coming up and have to pull an all-nighter” level. Has he started taking any new medications, especially any anti-depressants or mood stabilizers?

In the end though, the problem is less about the fact that his interest in sex has cratered, it’s in the fact that he doesn’t seem to give a damn just how much it’s upsetting you. It’d be one thing if he were single – it’s up to him whether losing his sex drive is important enough to try to fix it – but when you’re in a relationship, you aren’t just dealing with your crap in a vacuum; what affects you affects your partner too. And when you’re not interested in fixing something that’s actively hurting your partner… well, that’s when you have to start asking some pointed questions about the future of the relationship.

So here’s my recommendation: start with using your words. Instead of demanding “why can’t we ever have sex”, explain to him how you’re feeling – that his sudden lack of interest is hurting you and making you feel that something is wrong with your relationship. You’re bothered by the fact that he’s suddenly no longer interested in you – even when he says he’s still attracted to you – and that he doesn’t seem to be bothered by both the change in his sex drive or the fact that it’s upsetting you.

If he’s willing to at least talk out your concerns, then I would suggest that he talk to a doctor to make sure there isn’t a medical cause to this problem. If there isn’t a medical cause, then there might be a psychological one. He might want to talk to a therapist, or you might want to talk to a couple’s councilor if there are specific relationship issues that are bothering him.

If he’s not willing to talk it out… well, at that point he’s starting to give you a sign of just where he’s prioritizing your concerns and emotional well-being in the relationship and it’s time to seriously consider ending things. Not only is sexual compatibility important but so too is basic concern for your partner’s emotional health and well-being. If he’s just not concerned with the way he’s hurting you, then the relationship is already in it’s death throes and it’s better to just break things off now before they get worse. I’m sorry to put it in such blunt terms, but if he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you, then you’re better off without him.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m hoping you can help set my mind at ease. About 2 1/2 years ago I married a nerd. Your typical shy, anti-social, Star Trek watching, Star Wars toy collecting, can’t watch a movie unless it has a spaceship in it, plays video games for 10 hours straight nerd. I am not a nerd at all, really. I have my quirks, but I’m not really interested in anything he is. I try to support him in his interests, watching his movies (but not pretending I like them because I’m a horrible actress), helping him sell his Star Wars collection and having no problem with him coming home at 2 AM twice a week because he’s playing WOW with his friends. For reference, he’s 43 and I’m 39. We’re raising three kids together.

I worry, though, a lot. That he’ll meet another nerd, someone who he will think is the coolest, sexiest thing ever, someone who enjoys and affirms everything that he loves and who actually understands his nerd references. There’s one particular girl he follows on Twitter that I’m concerned about who is a pretty, male version of him. He has been nothing but faithful and I have voiced my concerns to him. He has reassured me that it doesn’t matter if we don’t have these things in common.

What do you think? Can nerds and non-nerds really last in love?

Mundane Undergoing Distress

DEAR MUNDANE UNDERGOING DISTRESS: First, a technical note, because I know someone will jump on this if I don’t: if he’s going elsewhere to game with his friends, he’s probably playing Dungeons and Dragons or another table-top RPG, rather than WOW, which is an online computer game.

So that out of the way: the critical part of a relationship isn’t having everything in common, it’s about being compatible over all. Having wildly different interests and taking time to enjoy them separately can be good for a relationship; after all, trying to force one’s significant other into taking part in something he or she hates is just a recipe for resentment and anger. As long as he’s not gaming or nerding out at the expense of your relationship – you’re not feeling neglected, he’s not neglecting his share of the household/child-rearing responsibilities or putting gaming before actual relationship or parenting time – then hey, everything’s cool. You’ve got stuff you like doing, he’s got stuff he likes doing and as long you can both respect the other’s interests, even if you don’t share it, then all is well.

And from the sounds of it, that’s exactly what you’re doing; you’re giving him space for his stuff that you don’t share and letting him know that even though you don’t get it, you get that he does. Hopefully this is a two-way street and he’s equally as supportive of the things you like, even if he just doesn’t get them. One person doesn’t get a “get out of respecting her stuff free” card just because they’re a nerd after all.

Now, with all that being said, I’m going to be honest here: you sound like you’re feeling a little insecure about more than just that he’s a nerd and you’re not. I mean, following someone on Twitter isn’t a sign of impending infidelity, even if she’s his opposite-sex clone; this goes doubly so if she’s not somebody in his every day life. Yes, online crushes can happen, but honestly, sometimes the clues we think we’re seeing are the voices in our jerkbrain saying “this is too good to be true, something must be wrong,” even when it isn’t. Is it possible that somewhere deep in his soul, he’s craving a Felicia Day-type who’s into all the same things he is and gets all the same references and thinks that a few rounds of Titanfall multiplayer makes the best foreplay? Yes, it’s theoretically possible. It’s also theoretically possible he’s a deep-cover KGB agent who’s been left out in the cold after the fall of the Soviet Union. If you’re not careful, you can what-if and maybe yourself into any number of dire scenarios.

But let’s weigh your nagging doubts versus what he’s saying and what he’s doing.

He’s invested two and a half years into your marriage, plus however long the two of you were dating beforehand. He’s raising three children with you. He’s never said a word about feeling resentful or that he’s missing out – in fact he’s been reassuring you that no, he’s actually really happy with you and he’s totally cool with the fact that you’re into his nerd passions. He’s never given you any reason to doubt his fidelity, and presumably he’s been a full and equal partner in the relationship.

Honestly, unless there’s something you left out, it sounds to me like everything is exactly as he says: he’s happy with his relationship with you. He’s got the love and companionship and the shared lives with you and he’s got his buddies for when he wants to geek out. Sometimes you have to just take “yes” for an answer, and in this case, it sounds like yes, he’s incredibly happy with you.

Can nerds and non-nerds be happy together? Hell yes. There’s more to a relationship than just shared hobbies. There’s having similar values, sexual compatibility, emotional and intellectual engagement, goals and lifestyles that synch up together, a willingness to work together towards mutual satisfaction and understanding and whether or not you to make each other happy. All of this is far more indicative of whether a relationship will last than just whether one partner likes to spend their time painting Warhamster miniatures and the other likes to take long walks through the city and shoot artsy photos of graffiti.

If looking around and recognizing that he’s given you no reason to believe that anything’s wrong, then it may be worth taking the time to unpack some of your anxieties with a counselor or a therapist. I think you’ve got something good here. Don’t let your jerkbrain convince you that something’s wrong, even when everything’s ok.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been dating this great guy for two months, and the whole time he’s been talking about toys and buttplay. As it turns out, he’s a sub and wants to be dominated.

Sex, for me, has gotten less and less pleasing for me; meanwhile, now he wants to get his beads out. I’m frustrated because he’s been having issues with erections the last couple times we had sex. I wanted to try and enjoy having sex with him but every time, he wants me to play with his ass. I can’t sleep and I’ve been crying about my feelings of inadequacy. I don’t want to disappoint my BF, just as I’m trying to tell him it’s been bad sex. I just want to have normal sex . And I usually do and it’s great.

Should I break up with this guy? Or is worth experimenting with anal beads and stuff? I feel bad but I just can’t do it.

Not Up for Butts

DEAR NOT UP FOR BUTTS: So there’s a concept that originated with Dan Savage called “good, giving and game”. The idea is that a sex partner should aspire to be good or skilled in bed, giving of pleasure and consideration and game for trying new things within reason. The last part is relevant to your situation, NUB; the idea here is that when your partner has a kink or an interest that turns their crank but doesn’t necessarily turn yours, it’s still worth giving it the old college try for their sake. A lot of times, partners may not get much from a particular activity but draw pleasure from the way it pleases the other person. You may not, to pull a random example, care much for foot-worship or black silk stockings, but if your partner does, the fact that it sets them off like a rocket can be a pleasure in and of itself.

And that last G can be pretty crucial. Researchers have actually found that being GGG is an important part of relationship satisfaction. When people feel heard and appreciated and that their partner understands and respects their needs – not to mention, y’know, getting to do whatever freaky thing they dig – they feel more loved and closer with their partner.

But there’s a critical part of that final G: “within reason”. While it’s good to be willing to do things that you may not be into because it makes your partner happy, doing things that you can’t stand or that’ll leave you curled up in the shower afterwards ain’t gonna help things no matter how much your beau got off.

Of course, every person has to draw the line where “within reason” falls. And while there’re some general guidelines – foot fetishism, for example, is pretty harmless, while scat is going to be well on the other side of the line for most – there will be places that some folks just can’t go that others don’t see as a big deal. Buttplay can occasionally be one of them.

Now, I’m someone who believes it’s a good idea to interrogate the whys and wherefores about one’s limits, especially if it’s something that’s relatively common. But interrogating those feelings sometimes just means that you come to the conclusion of “no sir, I don’t like it.” Which, hey, fair enough; you do you and get down how you prefer to get down. Just do your best to not harsh someone else’s squee.

However, it’s pretty clear that this is something that’s really important to your boyfriend, especially if he’s been rolling it out from the jump. While it’s kind of obnoxious of him to bring it up literally every single time you two talk about sex, it’s something that he obviously needs for a fulfilling sex life. That’s going to be an issue for the two of you going forward.

There are ways to get around the semi-soft issue; fingers and tongues never go limp. Neither do penetrative toys. Get yourself a nice dildo and your boy can go to town on you with that to your heart’s content, even when his junk is only at half mast. But if you aren’t enjoying the sex you’re having and he doesn’t feel like his needs are being met… well, then it sounds like you two just aren’t sexually compatible. And if you’re having these issues at only two months together? Then it’s probably better that the two of you go your separate ways, so you can find the partners you are compatible with.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long-time reader here and I’m looking for advice on something I don’t recall you ever writing about. About a month and a half ago, I started dating a woman who is a regular at the restaurant where I work. One night, I wrapped up my shift early and we started chatting while I enjoyed my shift drink; long story short, I ended up walking her home and we made out at every stop light (we live in a big city with a lot of stop lights). I didn’t go in, and we didn’t have sex, but she had given me her number and we decided to meet up the next time our schedules afforded; I’m 27, she’s 25, and we both have hectic work schedules with unorthodox hours.

We managed to meet up a few days later at a local bar, and during the conversation, she disclosed that she had recently broken up with her fiance. She had not, however, told her father about the break up and she was having dinner with him later, so she had her engagement ring on for the evening. On our next date, she informed me that she has a one year old son with her ex, which was part of why she hadn’t made the break up public yet. I took the news in stride and she thanked me for that and we arranged our next get together when we parted ways.

For the sake of full disclosure, I did know about the ex and baby after that first night because I had looked her up on Facebook and seen the pictures of her, her ex, and their son, so I wasn’t surprised by what she said. Essentially, even though I didn’t know the details, I had some idea of what her situation was before we started dating; it wasn’t a deal breaker then and it’s certainly not a deal breaker now.

The last month and a half has been wonderful, but it has also had its tribulations.We see each other as often as we can and the passion is always there; we’re very much in the honeymoon period of our relationship. However, the holidays were very difficult because her ex was with her and her family. He still wants them to get back together, so they were fighting for long periods, during which I wouldn’t hear from her. Also, this was when she finally decided to inform her family about the breakup, about which she was naturally very nervous. She got through all that, nevertheless, and when they got back, she completely moved out of her ex’s house and made it how clear how over it is between them.

Now that we’ve gotten through that rough patch, things have settled down and we’ve been able to see each other more regularly. I’ve hung out with her friends and we’ve had our first sleepover. We briefly had sex once, but she decided she wasn’t ready for that after a few minutes, so we’re taking our time with that step. Overall, I’m very happy with how the relationship is going, but I would like your advice on a few things.

First of all, this is my first serious relationship; I’ve had a good number of one night stands and a few short-term flings here and there, but this is the first relationship that really felt like it had legs. Part of the reason for that is that up until a couple of years ago, I had bad social anxiety that made me a miserable person. I got help through a psychiatrist while in grad school, and have had very few issues since then. However, I sometimes get nervous that I’m coming on too strong or that she’s going to get back together with her ex for the sake of their son and that this fantastic relationship we started is going to disappear; I know neither of these are true, but the thoughts keep coming back, mostly when she has to do things with her ex for work or for the baby.

Second, while my coworkers at the restaurant know we’re dating, she has told me that we have to be “just friends” when her coworkers and friends are around, since she doesn’t want them to know how quickly she’s moved on from the engagement. I’m fine with this as I understand how it could look at that she is very worried about a custody battle with her ex, but I really look forward to the day that we can be publicly a couple and hope it comes sooner rather than later.

Finally, she currently shares custody with her ex, trading days as their schedules permit. However, she doesn’t want me to meet the baby yet, so she and I don’t get to see each other the days she has him. I’ve made it clear to her that I completely understand, since he’s very young and often scared of strangers, and that I will meet him when she thinks that we are all ready. I’m willing to wait, of course, but it can be frustrating when we don’t get to see each other for three or more days in a row at this state of the relationships.

To conclude, I’m starting a very passionate and wonderful relationship with an amazing woman and we both care about each other very much, but it poses some unique challenges that I would like your advice on. Most of my family and friends know I’m dating someone, but only a few of the close ones know how complicated it is, and they tell me I’m doing everything right to make this relationship last. However, I would love to hear what you have to say on the subject, Doctor.

Thanks

Momma Drama

DEAR MAMA DRAMA: I… would not have advised dating a single mother for your first serious relationship, MD.

Dating someone who has a child – one who hasn’t left home, at least – has a whole host of challenges on top of the usual trials and tribulations of dating. One of them is understanding that you are, by necessity, going to be a lower priority than their child. This sounds cold but at the end of the day, you’re a grown ass adult and their kid isn’t. If a decision has to be made between the two of you, then the kid tends to take the tie. It’s part of being a good parent and putting him first is going to be the source of a lotof your girlfriend’s decisions… such as the fact that she doesn’t want you to meet her son yet. As much as it may suck for you right now, this is actually the right decision. It’s hard on children to be introduced to someone who they may bond with – someone who may become a parental-figure to them –  only to have them suddenly disappear when the relationship ends. On the other end of the spectrum, kids can often feel like the new boyfriend or girlfriend is a rival for their parent’s affections, especially if the split between their parents was recent.

This is one reason why most experts recommend not introducing a partner to their children until the relationship is starting to get serious… and even then to do so very slowly.

Plus, there’s the fact that your girlfriend just left her fiancé. That’s a pretty major life change, and she may not be ready to dive into a relationship that’s as serious as what she just left. Keeping things compartmentalized right now – baby in one compartment, you in another, never the twain to meet – may well be part of how she keeps things from feeling overwhelming or like she’s moving too fast. Not to mention: she has a one year old, soon to be a toddler. That’s going to take a lot of her time, energy and attention – attention she really can’t spare for you. The last thing she wants is to run into a situation where you and your son are wanting time with her. Yeah, it sucks that you don’t get to see her on days when she has custody, but it’s the right choice for her and her son.

The other thing to keep in mind is that her ex is going to be a part of her life. If they’re co-parenting and sharing custody, then she can’t exactly cut him out of her life. They’re co-parenting, which means that there’s going to be a lot of interaction between the two of them. Now this doesn’t mean that she’s going to get back together with him for the sake of her son; he’s her ex for a reason after all. But it does mean that this is going to be something that you are going to have to contend with, if you’re going to be dating her. If her spending time with her ex, even in the context of taking care of their son, is going to stress you out, then you’re going to need to manage your anxiety and face down those intrusive thoughts.

(The “just friends around people I know” kind of makes me raise an eyebrow; it makes sense to an extent, but I’m still looking askance at it.)

I’m not gonna lie to you, my dude: you decided to start playing the game on Hard Mode right off the bat. This can be a rewarding experience, don’t get me wrong. But going into this, you’re going to have a lot of challenges from the jump that people in other relationships won’t face until much further down the line.

And one more thing: at the end of the day, MD, this relationship is going to have to be almost entirely at her pace. As much as you may want certain things from her – more time, more attention, what-have-you – you’re going to have to be ready to understand that she’s going to have a host of concerns above and beyond her relationship with you.

If you want this relationship to last, then you need to be cool with that.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been in the US for a study abroad for nearly 5 months now and I have a friend-who-is-a-boy (as opposed to a boyfriend). He’s very cute, friendly and I’m quite interested in him, but the problem is that he has a girlfriend. Making matters more complicated is that my friends just told me that his girlfriend is cheating on him. Everyone knows that now, except him.

My friends told me not to tell him but I can’t help wondering. He’s very nice guy. I don’t know why she is cheating on him. Sometimes I think I’m gonna tell him the truth soon but I’m not sure that’s a right decision. I don’t know if we would be friends anymore if I told him and what he would think about me afterwards.  Besides, he’s my crush so I think that I am trying to kick her out of their relationship and it makes me so confused.

Can you tell what I should do in this situation? I really like him, though. On one hand, I really want him but on the other, I don’t wanna be a person who destroys that relationship. If you could give me some advice, I’d appreciate it!

Thank you so much

Love Is The Universal Language

DEAR LOVE IS THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE: Right, this is one of those times where my opinion makes people angry.

My general position on “do I tell someone that their partner is cheating on them” is fairly simple: stay out of it. It’s advice that a lot of my readers don’t necessarily agree with, but the fact of the matter is that there really is no way that telling him is the winning play.

Let’s start with the obvious: you don’t have any proof that there’s any cheating going on. The only reason why you know about this is because “everybody knows”; you’ve been handed third-hand information at best. This is literally “My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night” but with illicit smoochies instead.

You have no idea whether his girlfriend is actually cheating on him or not. For all you know, he and his girlfriend have an arrangement. Maybe they’re in an open relationship. Maybe he gets off on cuckolding scenarios. A lot of couples are socially monogamous and keep the true nature of their relationship under the radar. If someone happens to stumble across one partner on a date or making out with someone else… well, to folks not in the know, that can look an awful lot like infidelity.

But for argument’s sake, let’s say she is. You don’t know whether he knows and they’ve already worked things out. In this case, then he probably doesn’t want someone else coming along and re-opening old wound. Alternately, it’s possible that he already knows and is too humiliated to say anything. In that case, he almost certainly doesn’t want someone coming up and rubbing his face in the fact that everyone knows his embarrassing situation. And if he DOESN’T know… how happy do you think he’s going to be when he finds out from you that everybody else knew about this?

How do you expect him to react? Is he going to thank you? Or is he going to get angry and freak the hell out instead and blame you, even when it turns out that you were telling him the truth? No, it’s not logical for him to get mad at you… but emotions don’t follow logic.

And let’s be honest: you’re not a neutral third-party here. Your motives may be as pure as the driven snow, but you do have a vested interest in this rumor being true; after all, it does mean that a break-up is imminent and you’ll have a chance.

But what if it’s not true, and you go tell him? Now not only do you feel foolish but you look like you’re trying to create trouble between the two of them. Again, even if your motives are perfectly good and true, it’s STILL going to make you look bad.

There’re no good endings to telling him. The only way to win this particular game is not to play.

Sorry, LITUL. The best thing you can do right now is sit back and let their relationship take it’s natural course. If the rumor mill is right and his girlfriend is cheating on him, then it’s GOING to suck when he finds out. But your getting involved is only going to make things worse - for him and for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I started writing to an older married man on the internet–he read some of my writing & left intelligent comments. We basically became pen-pals, then started talking on the phone and then…I was in a tight spot financially and he gave me 10 K, unsolicited, no strings attached. I knew there would be strings (at least, I would feel guilty about taking the money), but it was hard to say no to. And I did not say no.

I’m in a long-term, 10 year relationship with my boyfriend. We’re happy with each other and have been talking about getting married. 

Last fall, my internet friend convinced me to come with him to Las Vegas. I knew that meeting him in person would be a bad idea – Long story short, I made it until the end of the trip, then drunkenly had sex with him. I’m not even sure why. I wasn’t attracted and it wasn’t enjoyable. He gifted me another 10 K, afterwards, just because (which made me feel whorish, because it was, well, whorish–but as a grad student, it was hard to decline & it was after the fact anyway).

I came home and just wanted to not feel guilty and forget. However, I felt… emotionally responsible for my internet friend because he’d opened up to me about being abused as a child / other stuff. Part of it was also that I felt like a user for taking the money and desiring to end contact afterwards. I finally cut off contact with my internet friend via text. 

He voiced understanding and I optimistically thought this would go away. However, yesterday (a month later) I received a whole string of texts from him. He wants closure, but I don’t really think there is anything I can say which will give that to him or make him feel better. My honest inclination is just to ignore the texts, but I feel like doing so might intensify his attempts to contact me (and/or piss him off enough that he tells my boyfriend what I did). I want to handle this in a way which sends a clear message I cannot continue to be in contact, without being unnecessarily hurtful.

One Bad Decision

DEAR ONE BAD DECISION: Before I get to this, I’m going to address the obvious, because people are going to call it out in the comments: this is a fantastical story. A lot of the elements are so over the top that it seems too dramatic to be real.

And hey, maybe it IS completely made up. It wouldn’t be the first time. But whether it is or not, the scenario is common enough (if not quite as extravigant) that there’s still plenty to talk about, even if it’s completely fictional.

And honestly? I’ve seen some things go down that would make giving a relative stranger 10k look like a drop in a bucket.

So for all intents and purposes, we’re going to work under the assumption that OBD is telling the truth and work from there, ‘k?

So with all that in mind:

OBD, you have two problems right now. The first is your “friend”, who doesn’t seem to be taking “go away” for an answer. The second is the guilt you’re feeling about the fact that you cheated on your boyfriend. Let’s deal with the latter first.

Here’s my take on the cheating issue: it sucks that it happened. But it DID happen, so now you need to process things. Part of that processing means forgiving yourself for sleeping with this guy. The fact that you slept with him doesn’t make you bad or evil, to be followed around by crowd ringing a bell and calling out your shame.

One of the things I always want people to understand is that monogamy is not easy or effortless. Humans are a novelty-seeking species, and that includes in our sex lives. Even in our fantasies, we look for the new and different. People, for example, don’t watch one porn star exclusively…

When we make a monogamous commitment, we’re fighting against the fact that we still want to sleep with other people; we’ve just promised not to. This doesn’t mean that monogamy is bad, wrong or to be avoided, mind you… it’s just very difficult to perform perfectly.

And to be quite frank: not all infidelities are the same. There’s a difference between, say, a regretful moment of weakness and someone who casually betrays the trust of someone who loves them.

You had a one-time slip up, under circumstances that are incredibly unlikely to ever crop up again. This doesn’t say anything about your goodness as a person, about the strength of your relationship with your boyfriend or anything else. What it says is that you’re a human being, with the same flaws and weaknesses as the rest of us. The best of us make mistakes, and none of us can predict with perfect accuracy how we’d react in the exact same circumstances.

Now complicating this already unpleasant situation is your “friend”. I put “friend” in scare-quotes because, quite frankly, I question whether he was ever a legitimate friend to you because quite frankly the whole thing feels like somebody manipulating the hell out of you. Let’s be honest: there may be angels out there who are both so generous and so flush with liquid capital that they’ll spontaneously give someone they never met in person $10,000 dollars with the purest of intentions, but they’re rarer than hen’s teeth.

(And usually they’re falling victim to online dating scams…)

Robert Caldini’s book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion talks about what he calls the pillars of persuasion. The first of those is reciprocity: the idea that someone doing something for you makes you more likely feel obligated to do something back. Doing things like, say, giving you $10,000 out of the “goodness of his heart” is going to set up a hell of a lot of reciprocity. So, yeah, I’m willing to bet that there were always strings on that donation, even if he insisted there weren’t. He knew damn good and well that you were going to feel a sense of obligation and he was willing to let that percolate in your brain until he was ready to use it.

The manipulative aspect of this continues with his convincing –key word – you to go to Vegas to meet him. It’s not impossible that he just wanted to meet up with a friend he’d never met in person, but the cynic in me says he was planning to make a move. And you knew too – you said it yourself that you thought meeting him was a bad idea. And then once alcohol was involved… well, yeah. Wouldn’t be the first time that very bad things happened in Vegas because of the intersection of booze and a manipulative guy.

(And to be perfectly blunt: once alcohol was involved, things go from sketchy to potentially illegal. That’s a detail that sets my Spidey-sense tingling like crazy.)

Now you’re wracked with guilt on multiple levels. You’re feeling like you shouldn’t have taken that money in the first place, especially not the second time. You’re wishing that you hadn’t slept with the dude. And now he’s refusing to go the hell away because he wants “closure”. There’re a lot of people who’ll be happy to verbally smack you around and tell you that this is a hell of your own making and that you deserve to suffer for what you’ve done.

I’m not one of them. It’s a f

ked up situation and you made some bad decisions, but they’re understandable ones. Yeah, taking the money was a stupid decision but seriously: if a potential $10,000 windfall with (nominally) no strings was waved in Joe or Jane Random’s face, they’re going to be thinking long and hard about how much that would help them pay down their school loans. They’ll be thinking about the car payments, the rent, the electricity bill… and I’m willing to bet many if not most would take it.

Principled stands are great as long as they’re theoretical; when real life gets in the way, suddenly those lines get awfully blurry. Show me somebody who says they’d never ever ever consider taking the money and I’ll show you a lying liar who lies.

The second time… well, that line is less blurry, but it’s also understandable. It’s the first step principle; once you’ve taken the first step, it’s harder to resist the second. It’s the sort of thinking that says “I ate that pizza/ smoked that cigarette/ took that drink, and since everything’s ruined, I may as well just keep going.” It was a stupid decision, but it’s coming after a series of bad decisions and weapons-grade levels of guilt and shame. In a way, it’s almost like punishing yourself after the fact; yeah, that’s a lot of money, but it’s money that comes with guilt. No matter what you do with it or how it may benefit you, it’s still going to be a reminder that you f

ked up and that’s going to haunt you.

To be clear: this was a bad situation. One that you admittedly walked straight into. But what’s done is done and unless you’re hiding a flux capacitor somewhere, there’s nothing you can do to undo it. So the only way to go is forward.

Which raises the question: what do you do?

And the answer is simple: tell him to go the hell away.

Lots of people who want “closure” actually want validation. They want confirmation of the rightness of their cause, that they were wronged and they want the other person to admit it. And honestly, that’s never going to happen. You can’t “give” someone closure. Somebody gets closure when they decide they’ve had closure.

But I don’t think this guy wants closure. I think he wants to keep things going. I’m willing to bet that second 10k that what this guy ACTUALLY wants is another toe-hold into your life. If you still have the second 10k still sitting in your bank account, then the best thing you can do is send him a check for the full amount with “closure” written in the memo section.

But whether you do or don’t have the money, send him one text: “I told you I don’t want to talk to you any more. Please do not contact me again.” And then leave it. Block his number if necessary. If things get bad enough then it may be time to consider a restraining order. Hopefully it won’t come to that.

I can’t make any guarantees that he won’t try to spill the beans to your boyfriend. I have no idea whether he’s the kind of person who would try to blow things up if he can’t get his way. Considering that he was willing to blow an obscene amount of money over this, he certainly seems like someone who thinks that he can get what he wants, when he wants and damn the cost.

But until he does… I don’t really think there’s any value to confessing to your boyfriend and a lot of reasons why it would make things worse. Telling your boyfriend about it advance isn’t likely to defuse the potential bomb. All it will do is detonate it early.

This ain’t going to be a popular suggestion - in fact, I’m sure a lot of folks will get upset over it - but I think the best thing you can do is stuff this down the memory hole.

I know a lot of people think radical honesty is key in a relationship, but all confessing in advance is likely to do is to cause a lot of hurt feelings and needlessly damage the relationship. Everybody says they’d want to know… right up until they find out. And in the aftermath, they almost always wish they didn’t. It’s the sort of thing that a lot of folks would rather be ignorant of, especially if it’s a one off, a freak event that never happened again. And in this case, the odds of your making those decisions ever again is so astronomically low that I don’t think scientists have numbers that can quantify it. Blowing up a 10 year relationship - or your boyfriend’s feelings - on the basis of something that is so far out of the ordinary that it may as well have been a lightning strike isn’t going to make things better.

Look: you made a string of bad decisions, prompted by someone who took advantage of your being in financial distress. I know you want to forget it; you can’t, and you shouldn’t. You were manipulated into a bad spot, but you still took part. If you let yourself forget, then you can’t learn from this, grow from this and - most importantly - not f

k up like this again.

But while you shouldn’t forget, you CAN forgive yourself. You made mistakes. That happened. But you can move forward from there and be a better person. The past is in the past. Best to leave it there if you can and work to a better future.

Good luck.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)