DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need your help. 

I need advice on whether my girlfriend is cheating on me.

We are in a long distance relationship; she is about 2 hours away and we see each other every other weekend. We’re going on 3 months now. The reason I think she maybe cheating on me is because for awhile she didn’t think it was important to communicate with me throughout the day. After we argued about that she’s gotten better, but she’s still acting shady. When she is around me she never wants to drink because she gets crazy, but when she’s not around me she will get drunk with her best friend. When she does go out, she doesn’t tell me and I don’t hear from her at all. The only way I know is when she brags about it the next morning. I’ve asked her why she doesn’t talk to me when she’s out and what she says is that its rude to text in front of other people, but she text in front of me all the time.

She is always talking about her past and it finally got to a point were I told her that I don’t wanna hear it, makes me think she is missing something. Whenever I try to talk about my problems with her, she gets defensive and takes everything to the extreme. For instance when I was talking to her about the drinking thing she said “Fine, I won’t drink and hangout with my friends anymore”. I love her and she says she loves me but I don’t know anymore. I just don’t wanna waste time with the wrong person. Everybody I talk to tells me she is, but I don’t know what to believe. Please help!

Totally Really Lost

DEAR TOTALLY REALLY LOST: there’re no signs that she’s cheating on you TRL, just a whole lot of signs that it’s time for the two of you to break up already, because holy God you two aren’t working out.

So let’s take this apart a little, shall we? To start with, you’re both doing the long-distance relationship thing wrong. When you’re in a long distance relationship, communication is key. It’s difficult to maintain a romantic connection over a distance; even video chatting isn’t going to be the same as when you’re in person. But one of the first things you have to do is establish your communication needs. Some people prefer to talk once a day, others like an end-of-the-week download with sporadic texting or IMing. But expecting constant contact throughout the day is going to be pushing things, even for the most “shmoopy” of couples.

Just on a practical level alone, there are going to be long stretches during the day when it’s just not practical to be texting, sending Snaps or chatting over Facebook. Sometimes, even amongst chatty types (and I speak as one of them; it’s a damn good thing that I have unlimited text messages) you’re just going to not get a prolonged conversation or even an immediate response. If you’re going to freak out about periods of radio silence over the course of the day, then you’re not ready for a serious relationship. If you can’t handle being out of contact with her, then it’s no longer about how much you care about one another, it’s about your needing constant reassurance and validation from her.  A relationship isn’t a deposition, especially one as brief as yours is. You’re not her parole officer and she’s not required to check in with you before she goes out with her friends, nor is she obligated to constantly be providing you with updates when she’s out having fun.

Now to be fair: talking with her about your needs and working to find a compromise that works for the both of you is a step in the right direction. It’s just too damn bad that everything takes about five dozen backwards after that. I’m going to be honest: neither of you are covering yourselves in glory here. You’re being clingy while she’s coming off as incredibly rude and inconsiderate.

When it comes to understanding people, there’s looking at what they say and looking at what they do. And right now, what your snugglebunny is saying and doing? Two very different things.

Let’s take the drinking issue. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you’re welded together at the hip, nor does it mean that you aren’t allowed to go out and party down with your BFF when your significant other is around. But it’s another thing entirely when it’s a Jekyll and Hyde situation; claiming not to like drinking because it makes her get wild, but going out and closing down the clubs when you’re not around is a sign that she’s not being straight with you… especially when she’s bragging (your words) about all the crazy times she had. You know. Those crazy times she told you she doesn’t like having.

Similarly, there’s her telling you that she thinks texting in front of other people is rude and then texting other people in front of you. Even allowing for the fact that this is the excuse she’s giving you for not taking time away from being with her friends to text with you (which is pretty impolite), the fact that she’s doing something that she believes to be rude to you tells you a little about how much she respects you. The way the two of  you argue isn’t any better; the passive-aggressive “well fine, I guess I just won’t hang out with my friends any more!” response is  just a way of shutting you down without actually addressing the issues at hand. 

This isn’t a healthy relationship for either of you. The best thing for both of you is to break up now. Even at the most generous viewing, she’s selfish and rude and you need to do some maturing so that you can get to the point where you don’t need to be in constant contact. Let her go find someone else and spend your time working on yourself so you can find someone who is right for you… and you can be right for her.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I got dumped unexpectedly last night by a woman I’d been seeing for about two months. I liked her quite a bit; I made it clear to her that I liked her, and that I wanted her, and that I was fine with moving at whatever pace was comfortable for her. I wasn’t exactly planning the proposal, but I was definitely at a point where I was thinking there might be some potential for something serious. 

When she broke up with me last night she said that she thinks I’m very sweet, and she has a blast when she’s with me, but the romantic spark never appeared for her. I was a little surprised by this–less than a week ago we enjoyed a pretty heavy makeout session that ended only when we agreed with some difficulty that it might be a good idea to slow down. I had originally worried I wasn’t building physical chemistry with her, but once we got to the point that most dates were ending with an hour or so of kissing and cuddling I figured I was in good shape.

So, what I’m wondering is: was there something I should have done differently, or done more of? Is this just a case of two people with a fundamental incompatibility? In short, did I screw this up, or is this just a case of something better discovered sooner than later?

Feeling Confused

DEAR FEELING CONFUSED: You didn’t do anything wrong, FC. The long and short of it is that you weren’t compatible and that was never going to change.

You wanted something that she just wasn’t going to be able to give; you wanted a relationship and she just wasn’t feeling that with you. You may have had the physical chemistry –  she was digging the sloppy make-outs –  but the emotions just weren’t there and there wasn’t any sign of that changing. Don’t get me wrong: she definitely liked you. After all, she was going out of her way to give it time to see if things would develop, but (and I hate to devolve to cliche) she just didn’t like you that way. Sexual attraction is great and an important part of relationships, but it’s not enough for a long-term relationship on it’s own.

There comes a point in a relationship when you have to check and see if you’re on the same page… and frankly, you weren’t. You wanted something serious with her and she just wasn’t feeling the same way about you. And so she ended it. And it sucks, I know. God knows I’ve been there. But in the long run… she was doing you a favor.

I realize that it doesn’t feel this way right now. It’s still fresh and raw and you have no real distance or perspective on the matter. It’s actually a testament to her feelings for you that she was willing to break up with you when she did. But by cutting things off early on, she was saving you both from greater pain down the line. Sticking things out would have ultimately meant that she was leading you on and that wouldn’t be fair to either of you; all that she would be doing is postponing the inevitable and ultimately making the pain worse when you eventually realized that the entire time you thought you were building to something serious, she was only sticking around because she was afraid to hurt you. That is the sort of pain that ruins people for a long, long time.

So she was cruel to be kind, breaking things off even though she liked you, liked making out with you and had fun with you. She risked the pain now to save you from worse later on. And that means a lot. She was being a better friend to you than you realized. Take comfort in that and realize that you’ll be in a better position to find someone who is on the same page as you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been involved in a relationship for the past 7 years with a man to whom I kept at a distance for 5 of those years. Once he moved in with me I noticed he had a bad addiction to alcohol.

Most of the time, things were fine. He worked, he helped with the bills and we were still close. We danced on the sidewalks, we sang together we played together, but the problem is that his drinking spun out of control.

While I was in the process of remodeling my home, his drinking was at a all time high. He hit me, then swore he would never to do this again. I believed him.

Two months later when cooking in the kitchen, the dark side took over he grabbed me by the hair threw me to the ground and choked me to the point that I saw white and feeling like I was passing out and losing control. During this I bit his finger as hard as I could, and pinched him until I drew blood. Once he let go I got up and had three blows to the back of my head. I called the police and had him arrested.

How could all of this come from someone I loved?

The thing is, he was drunk off his ass when he did this to me. He spent 3 months in jail. He is now in treatment and has not drank a drop since then. He is in therapy and doing great. We can speak on the phone, we can text, but the courts have a partial no contact order.

My older kids have stated they will not speak with me if I give this man another chance. I love him, and he is doing great with rehab. When he’s sober, he’s the great guy I have known him for over 30 plus years — since high-school, really.

Do you have any suggestions in this regard? I feel torn and confused.

Lisa’s Being Torn Apart

DEAR LISA’S BEING TORN APART: Yes, I have a suggestion. You delete his number, his email, block him on every form of social media, put everything of his in a box and ship it somewhere else, and then get the ever-loving hell away from him. You hop the Nope Train to F

kThatSh*tVille with stops in OhHellNo and ByeFelipe and be grateful he didn’t hurt you worse.

It’s very sweet that you’re such a forgiving soul. I try to be as well. I like to believe that people can change. But, I’m sorry: I’m glad he’s doing great with rehab but when someone is trying to choke you to unconsciousness (IF NOT, Y’KNOW TRYING TO KILL YOU) and hitting you in the head, he’s out of chances.

That’s a “get the hell out of Dodge” clause right then and there. Do not pass Go, do not believe his promises to be better. Assault, battery and attempted murder are all relationship extinction level events and I don’t care how good he is now that he’s sober again.

I would suggest buying yourself a copy of The Gift of Fear and Why Does He Do That? and read up on abusers and abuse tactics. There’s almost always a honeymoon period (or several periods) after abuse – especially if it involves things like court-mandated rehab and jail time – where the abuser promises things are better and is the same person you loved before.

Is he truly better? Well, in an infinite universe, anything is theoretically possible. But not only am I severely inclined to doubt it in this case, it’s also a case involving horrific assaults on top of everything else. I’ve seen folks who’ve acted like that and made a big hew and cry about how much better they were. Guess what? They were still manipulative bastards afterwards and kept at it.

Thank your lucky damn stars that you’re no longer with him, and get him out of your life and never look back.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been working at my current company a little over a year, and basically developed feelings for this coworker. I had thought initially that she was interested in me as well, which is what resulted in me asking her out to coffee.

Well turns out, she didn’t like me, and nicely rejected me by saying that she was “talking with someone else” and didn’t feel like it was fair to me to go out with me as well. I was pretty stunned, as I had been pretty sure that she was indeed interested in me (She had asked about me, if I was in a relationship e.t.c).

Regardless of the reasons, or what was there or wasn’t, I got rejected, and that should’ve been the end of the story. There was a bit of awkwardness between us for a few days, but we relaxed back into just friendly coworkers.

I actually started to move on, joined a dating site, and began looking elsewhere (as one should). Now here’s where one of my most stupid mistakes to date happened.

See, this coworker of mine, was on the site as well, and turned up as one of my best matches. I was perplexed, confused, and had the stupid idea that maybe the thing with the other guy hadn’t worked out.

So I asked her out via the dating site messaging… again.

Yeah…

In retrospect that was the most bone-headed move ever, and it got about the same result as you’d expect. Turns out the the rejection before had just been a “soft” no (as you’ve talked about at length here), rather than her just not being interested in me at all.

To say I felt ashamed and stupid was putting it mildly. I had basically failed to take the hint the first time, and just unintentionally badgered this girl a second time.

She nicely said no in her message but her attitude at work changed quite a bit. She’s now completely ignoring me and everything to do with me. Which is problematic because we’re both kind of in the same area, albeit on different teams. There is a pretty evident source of anger, avoidance and just flat out annoyance it feels like now.

And the thing is I get why. I messed up, I realize that, but what I’m confused about is what I should do now. I can’t exactly leave my job at the moment or transfer to another department, and my instincts are telling me to just apologize to her somehow and fix this.

She clearly DOES have a problem with the fact that I asked her out twice, which, you know, fair enough. But I’m not exactly sure how to resolve this.

Do I ask her for a second of her time and just promptly apologize in person? Do I send an e-mail? We’re friends on Facebook, should I apologize there?

Or… Should I just leave everything alone and just try and deal with it. It’s getting exceedingly uncomfortable and awkward, to the point where it’s starting to not only look odd, but is bothering me as well.

What should I do Doc? I really am at a loss for what to do? I don’t want to make things worse and make her want to call HR or something like that. I’m decently experienced with turning people down and being turned down, but this workplace thing has me really confused.

I’d appreciate some of your insight on the matter.

Regards,

Trying to Fix This

DEAR TRYING TO FIX THIS: Dude. Things were fine when you asked her out and she turned you down. It was a little awkward at first but you acted like things were no big deal and everyone was happy.

Then you had to go and screw it all up by trying again, this time via a dating site.

Not gonna lie man: that sort of thing can feel a little less like “boneheaded mistake” and more “are you trying to find me everywhere I go?”

Yeah, I know you didn’t mean it that way. You know you didn’t mean it that way. But you have to look at it from her perspective: you didn’t take “no” for an answer and then went out of your way to ask her out somewhere else.

The biggest issue here is that you’re co-workers. You see each other every day. Imagine if you hadn’t seen her on Tinder or Plenty of Fish or whatever but you ran into her at a seedy singles bar and hit on her there. That’s going to feel uncomfortable to folks, like you’ve been putting on this persona at work but now that you’re not there, rules change. You didn’t even bring it up in person, just sprung it on her out of the clear blue sky.

The fact that you approached her online was just a little weird, even if you didn’t have that first rejection under your belt. So now it’s a little like “hey, found you here!” and “so, now that I know where you hang out, how about that date?”

So what do you do?

Well, you just let it go. I get that you want to apologize, but part of apologizing means doing it in a way that doesn’t make things even more uncomfortable and awkward. What she almost certainly wants, more than anything else, is to put this whole uncomfortable situation down the memory hole and pretend it never happened. The kindest thing you can do for her is do just that: pretend it didn’t happen and just give her space.

While you and I both know that this isn’t your intention, there are plenty of sketchy dudes out there who’ll use apologies – especially very profuse, over the top ones – as ways to make the person getting the apology feel guilty or as a way to continue bugging the person they’re supposedly apologizing to.

You know it was weird. She knows it was weird. Trying to make up for the weirdness is only going to make it weirder and even more uncomfortable. Give her the room to be uncomfortable. Be friendly, but a bit distant. Let her decide when she’s comfortable again and make the move to talk with you again – if  she decides she wants to, in any case.

The rule for avoiding weirdness is “Don’t start none, won’t be none”. So now you’re going to just have to go back and pretend like you didn’t see her on there and hadn’t had this awkward moment. Don’t bring it up unless she does specifically. Not “hints at it” or “says things that may be related to it” but specifically says “hey, it was a bit weird when you approached me on OKCupid” or whatever. Until then: it never happened and the two of you are cordial co-workers.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How does one distinguish between a person signaling an interest in platonic friendship and a person signaling an interest in a romantic relationship?

It seems to me that many of the behaviours that signal a person is romantically interested could be fairly interchangeable with someone with whom you get on really well as a friend (e.g., teasing, Duchenne smiles, remembering small details from previous conversations). And logically, that makes sense, since flirting and friendship are ultimately about producing/reinforcing some sort of emotional bond. Granted, there’s the physical proximity thing, but even that can get a bit muddled as I often find that I’ll sit quite close to my friends or lean into them while looking at something on their phone – and to make matters even more confusing, because I suffer from social anxiety, I actually tend to instinctively increase my physical distance, face away, and avoid eye contact when I am attracted to someone, because I get painfully nervous. I imagine the same may go for others dealing with the lovely anxiety beast.

In the past, I’ve misinterpreted signals from people I thought were ‘just friends’, and I’ve also long been quite petrified of misreading a guy’s ‘just friends’ signals as something more. So:

1) How does one distinguish between ‘friend’ signals and ‘potential romantic partner’ signals?

2) How does one determine whether someone is flirting/interested when communication is mainly online? I’ve noticed that despite the increasing prevalence of people forming friendships and romantic relationships online (particularly in the nerd/geek community), the topic of ‘reading signals’ from online behaviour is rarely addressed.

3) What happens to flirting dynamics when you’re *both* socially anxious/awkward/generally terrible at the whole dating thing?

Thanks again for a great resource!!

– Avoiding False Positives

DEAR AVOIDING FALSE POSITIVES: As a general rule, the biggest difference between “friend” signals and signaling romantic or sexual interest is, well, sex. Attraction is, after all, a mix of emotional and physical chemistry; if all you you are doing is trying to build an emotional connection while neglecting the physical aspects, then you’re going to have a platonic relationship instead of a sexual one.

Touching is one of the biggest differences; while touchiness and comfort with physical proximity is highly cultural, there are differences in how you touch someone who you’re interested in getting to know as a potential BFF and someone you’re hoping to see naked. For example, while we may let friends into our personal space, we tend to move closer – or allow others to come closer – to us than we would friends and acquaintances; this is known as “intimate” space and it’s usually reserved for very close friends, family members and lovers.

Generally, the more interested someone is in you physically, the more likely they are to move touch up the intimacy ladder. For example, you’re unlikely to sit with your legs pressed against a friend’s legs unless you have no room to space out; however, to a couple looking for some quality naked time, putting your leg against the other person’s – more-so, if you’re sitting across from one another – is a flirting signal. Even the way you lean in can make a difference; a friend isn’t likely to lean into someone in such a way that it presses her breasts against the other person unless the two already have a comfortable and intimate friendship. Similarly, friendly hugs are usually an a-frame – strictly upper body contact while keeping the lower bodies apart. As a general rule, lighter touches, such as gentle brushes with the fingertips, tend to be flirtier than the palm of the hand firmly on the shoulder.

Someone who’s flirting or interested in another person as a potential romantic or sexual partner will also tend to preen and show themselves off a little. Both men and women will make points of adjusting and straightening clothes when they’re interested in someone, as an attempt to fluff up their appearance in hopes of impressing the other person. The hair-toss is a classic sign that women give – not always consciously – because it draws the eye to her face and neck. A man will stand up a little straighter, puff out his chest (and suck in his gut).

Flirting and antagonistic teasing also tends to have more of a sexual edge than basic friendly ribbing. Flirty teases tend to be more challenging rather than just ego-poking; the unspoken message is “show me that you’re worth it” or “I dare you to try”. One of my go-to’s for absolutely intense flirting is to watch Vesper Lynde and James Bond square off on the train to Montenegro in Casino Royale; the tension between the two of them is palpable even as they jab one another.

But the key to picking up on signals is to watch for clusters of signs – signals that come either directly on top of the others or occurring in close proximity. One sign could be anything, so you want to watch for groups of three or four; this is known amongst body language experts as the “rule of four”. This helps you sort the signal from the noise and cut down on false positives. For a geeky example, watch how Han Solo and Leia Organa act and react around each other all throughout The Empire Strikes Back – you’ll see how their teasing is more challenging, how Han closes the distance from social to intimate and how Leia responds to him.

But if you’re unsure or you and the person you’re interested in are both anxious and feeling awkward about the whole thing? Toss subtlety out the window and just use your words. It’s a lot harder to be misunderstood when you tell someone you really like them and want to go on a date/make out/what-have-you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, I’m 27 years old and I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve always been nervous about pushing for anything more than friendship, and to be perfectly honest, I was actually okay with that… Until recently.

I met this woman a few months ago, having relocated to find work, and I feel completely lost. Suddenly, I’m focused on losing weight and exercising, I’m trying to develop better interests, and I spend a lot of time thinking about starting a family.

The problem? She has a boyfriend.

I feel like I’m genuinely in love, but I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or how I’m supposed to act. I see her and her family a lot, since my best friend is married to her best friend. I’ve always been fairly negative about myself, but when I’m around her, that all just disappears. She makes me want to be a better person, but I’m also terrified that it still won’t be enough. I think she likes me well enough as a friend, but I don’t know if I should tell her how I feel, or if I should just keep these feelings bottled up unless she just happens to break up with this guy?

For that matter, having been really overweight when I initially met her, am I just kind of doomed to always fit that initial first-impression?

– A Helpless Romantic

DEAR A HELPLESS ROMANTIC: Dude, you know what’s up here. You’re just hoping I’m going to give you a different answer. She’s got a boyfriend and she’s not giving you any signals. Telling her how you feel isn’t going to change anything except make things unnecessarily awkward and hanging around just “in case” she breaks up with him is a deeply sh

ty thing to do to somebody who thinks you’re her friend.

Look, I get why you’re doing this, even if you’re don’t: you’re chasing after somebody who’s unavailable because they’re safe. You don’t have to worry about having to measure up to a relationship or screwing up and getting dumped because you know on some level that this isn’t going to happen.

Living in hope without expectation of actual fulfillment is considerably less intimidating than having to actually be in a relationship. But being a Nice GuyTM isn’t the answer. If you want to find a relationship, then you need to let go of this unrealizable crush and take some risks, pursuing women who are not just available but actually interested in you. 

Let this one go, man. Holding on is only going to bring you pain and hold you back from achieving your true potential.

You’re on a good path right now, don’t screw that up by getting hung up on someone you know isn’t into you. You can be better than this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)