DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was hoping that you could possibly help me with a very difficult situation I’m in.

The girl I’ve been interested in for the past month, who is also quite a good friend of mine, has a boyfriend who is by no means a decent human being. The other day I discovered that he’s cheated on her a few times and I’ve decided that as a friend it’s my responsibility to tell her. I’m not sure if that’s the right decision, though, and I’m not sure HOW to tell her at all. If you could please weigh in on this, I’d seriously appreciate it! Thank you so much.

Waiting In The Wings

DEAR WAITING IN THE WINGS: Well, you asked, but I don’t think you’re going to like my answer.

Here’s what you do, WitW: you back the hell off.

First of all, let’s be honest here. Just between you, me and everyone reading this: you’re not doing this out of the goodness of your heart. You didn’t decide that it’s your responsibility to tell her because you are that good of a friend, you’re hoping that when you tell her she’s going to dump her cheating scumbag of a boyfriend and fly into your arms as the one who helped her see the truth. Which, to be perfectly frank, is a pretty sh

ty reason to deliberately insert yourself into the middle of somebody else’s relationship drama.

But for the sake of argument, let’s game this out a little. Let’s assume that either I give you my blessing to telling your crush about her supposedly philandering beau or you decided to go and tell her regardless. How, exactly, do you think she’s going to react? Here’s a hint: she’s going to take it badly. Under the best of circumstances, she’s going to be pissed off like nobody’s business. The only question is who she’s going to direct that anger at.

And the smart money says it’s going to be you. You may have noticed that people don’t appreciate bad news. In fact, we tend to get irrationally angry at the person who brings us the bad news, whether it’s their fault or not; there’s a reason why “don’t shoot the messenger” is a common phrase, after all. So you’re already starting off with your would-be hunny-bunny ticked off that you’re telling her that something’s rotten in Denmark.

But then there’s the next step: why should she believe you? Do you have proof? Do you have unquestionable proof that you can actually show her? Proof that couldn’t possibly be explained away? Because if you don’t, then it’s going to be your word against her boyfriend’s. And sure, her boyfriend may be an assbag, but he’s still her boyfriend. This gives him more credibility in her eyes than you have… especially if either of them know that you’ve got a crush on her. And believe me, if she doesn’t, he almost certainly does. This is going to be leveraged against you – you’re going to look like you’re lying up in order to break them up.

(And let’s be honest: that’s what you’re hoping for here.)

Now let’s add another wrinkle into the mix: what makes you so sure she doesn’t know already? Right now you’re working from limited information – you know he’s cheated on her. You don’t say you know when it happened, whether she found out before, whether he confessed or she confronted him and whether they’ve worked through it or not. For that matter, for all you may know, they may have an arrangement of one sort or another. So you’re going forward and telling her with the distinct possibility of re-opening old wounds, dredging up past problems or stumbling onto the fact that they were only socially monogamous. None of which is going to work out for you the way you’re hoping.

Let’s throw a third wrinkle: how’d you find out? Did you catch him in the act? Did you prowl through his phone or emails? Or did you hear it from the grapevine? Because she’s going to want to know… and she’s going to want to know why, exactly you were prying into her business. All of this is going to make a difference, because it’s going to be demonstrating your agenda rather strongly. And if you two aren’t honest-to-god BFFs – which, from the sounds of things, you’re not – it’s going to look like you went digging for dirt, even if we grant that your motivations were as pure as the driven snow. And that is going to bring you right back to that credibility problem.

But hey: let’s say that you manage to thread all those needles and she dumps her no good, scummy boyfriend. Assuming she doesn’t lash out at you for causing her break-up, she’s still not going to swoon into your arms. She’s going to be ticked off at men in general and in no mood for your trying to be the next in line… in fact, she’s probably going to resent it.

Women don’t appreciate it when guys suddenly assume the window of opportunity is open because they’ve literally just broken up with somebody. She’s going to need some time to recover and your hanging around in order to help her through this ordeal is going to start verging rather seriously into Nice Guy territory.

In short: you’ve got yourself your basic no-win scenario. And you’re not going to Kobayashi Maru your way through this.

This isn’t your business. Your getting involved is only going to add another layer of drama to somebody else’s relationship. And even under the best of circumstances, it’s going to end badly for you.

Leave it alone.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  Got a question for you, Doc. I’m a lady who recently took the initiative and found I had some chemistry with a guy and asked him out. We’re in the same fandom world, and finding nice and normal people among us is very rare. Being totally generic for the purposes of protecting identities, we became friends by mutually respecting what we’ve contributed to our fandom.

I started to reach out to him on email a few months ago. We had a few conversations, in which he threw in some comments seemed like bad attempts at flirting. Not everyone has game, right? But after initiating a few conversations, I decided to let him reach out to me, and he didn’t. OK. Fair enough. Moving on….

Then I reconnected him at a recent event, and he started reaching out to me with gusto – emails, pictures (clothed!), etc. He even admitted to basically stalking me on social media, though he doesn’t really have a social media presence himself.

So after a few weeks of email flirting, I decided to be a grown-ass woman and ask him out. I was bold and direct (and funny). What I got back was a long, rambling email where he admits to being in relationship with someone else, but he doesn’t want to lose what “we have.” I’ve never seen evidence of him having a significant other, and I’d be really pissed off if a boyfriend of mine was having this kind of relationship with another woman.

There have been a few short email exchanges since my rejection. He’s done all the reaching out – I suspect either to take my temperature to see if I’d still talk to him or checking in to make sure I haven’t sunk into a vast depression (trust me, I haven’t).

What is up with men and their hidden relationships? Maybe his rambling was a nice way to hide that he just wasn’t into me like that? Since I’ll run into this guy at upcoming fandom events, what do I do? Honestly, I feel totally embarrassed and humiliated. I kind of want to tell him to go to hell, but I don’t want to be the bitter jerk who hates him because he turned me down. I also want to avoid him, but that gets exhausting, too. Trust me, if I had any idea he had a long-term GF or would turn me down, there’s no way in hell I would have asked him out in the first place. What was he doing starting this kind of relationship with me in the first place? Do I bother to continue a friendship which he seems to want even though I know it will never be enough for me?

Thanks,

Thoroughly Confused

DEAR THOROUGHLY CONFUSED: There are a lot of possibilities here TC. It’s possible he was stringing you along because he liked the flirty attention you were giving him. He might have had a crush on you and was enjoying the thrill of new relationship energy and the frisson of a mutual attraction from somebody besides his girlfriend. Or it’s entirely possible that after you reconnected, he decided you were cool and wanted to be friends.

I can’t say for sure one way or another – after all, I wasn’t there, and without interviewing you both and reading the transcripts, it’s kind of hard to say whether he was flirting or not. And if he was indeed flirting then there is a question of how much of it was just flirting because flirting is fun and how much of it was flirting with intent.

All that being said: I don’t think he was leading you on, and I don’t think he was deliberately hiding the fact that he had a girlfriend. Considering that you’re running in similar circles – fandom tends to be a small world, after all – it’s entirely possible that he assumed you knew he was seeing someone. Why didn’t he bring her up when you were talking? Well, again: I haven’t seen the transcripts, but it’s possible that the topic just didn’t come up. I’ve had many, many conversations with my friends – men and women both – where we don’t talk about our significant others simply because there’s no call to. It’s possible – even advisable – to have a life outside your relationship after all.

I also am willing to bet that he had no idea you were into him. When you straight-up asked him out, he suddenly realized that you two weren’t on the same page and suddenly things got awkward. Or maybe he had a clue that you liked him but was willing to ignore it in hopes that you’d end up romantically interested in someone else and you wouldn’t have this nascent infatuation between the two of you.

Either way: sh*t done got weird. So now what?

Before I get into what to do about this, I want to address your question about what was he doing starting a relationship with you at all. Something to keep in mind is that guys tend to have more emotionally intimate friendships with women than they do with other men. It’s a lot easier for guys to open up to women than it is for other guys; no matter how much people may talk about bromances, being open and emotionally intimate with another dude is still seen as being unmanly. Even the term “bromance” carries the “ha ha, it’s kind of like you’re dating” pointed nudging and and not-quite joking, and guys can be uncomfortable with this. So, we often seek out intimacy from our female friends, who tend to be less judgmental and more accepting of emotional openness. If you look at it from one angle, yeah, it can kind of look like a romantic connection… but it’s more about fulfilling an emotional need than trying to start an amorous relationship or conduct an affair.

But all that aside, the immediate question is: what do you do now that this is all out there, flopping around on the table like an Awkward Turtle? Right now, you’re feeling humiliated and probably a little angry. And I don’t blame you: you put yourself out there, you got rejected and that sucks. Getting rejected LITERALLY hurts. 

Take some time to let the sting fade and the anger cool off. Once you’ve gotten past the immediate pain, you’re going to see that it’s not as bad as it seems. Liking a dude who doesn’t like you back the same way isn’t embarrassing. Getting turned down, while painful, isn’t something to be ashamed of. All that happened is that you found out that the two of you weren’t compatible. In the end, there’s really no harm, no foul. It’s hard to see it now, but with time and perspective, this will end up being one of the things you look back on with amusement as one of the wackadoo parts of the dating game.

So where do you go from here? He clearly hopes to continue your friendship. As I’m always telling men, one of the issues with being in the Friend Zone is that you’re choosing to stay there. You say that being friends isn’t going to be enough for you – fair enough, that’s a valid choice. Just don’t treat his wanting to be friends as though he’s offering you the booby-prize, or that being friends is a poor substitute for romance.

If you don’t want to be friends with him and you don’t want to spend the rest of your time avoiding him whenever you might be at the same event, then I suggest you be straight with him. Tell him that he’s a cool guy and you like him, but you were hoping for something more. Let him know that trying to be friends with him would to be painful for you and it’s not fair to either of you to try and continue things when you’re longing for something he isn’t able to offer you. And then you just let things drift apart. If you happen to run into each other at events, then be polite, say hi and just keep going. If things get awkward, then just acknowledge the awkwardness. It doesn’t have to be a teeth-grindingly uncomfortable situation unless you let it be.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m worried I may have overstepped my bounds.

I’m not the most socially skilled guy in the world, and while I keep in decent shape, I’m not going to be on the cover of GQ any time soon. The few relationships I’ve had were the result of the woman metaphorically clubbing me over the head and saying “Hey I’m interested, let’s hook up.” One worked well but ended when I had to move cross country for family issues, and the other was a train wreck because I wanted a relationship and she wanted mindless sex 24/7.

Several months ago the gas station around the corner hired a new attendant, which is pretty normal. The manager is a jerk and pretty clueless so they tend to replace employees faster than a jock changes his underwear. Since I’m in and out about twice a day I still try to take the time to get to know the new people, and since I had once worked there I occasionally offer advice or will do small things on the sales floor that need taken care of if I’m not in a hurry — stuff like starting another pot of coffee, restocking the fountain drink cups and lids, or venturing into the cooler to restock sodas if they aren’t readily available are easy enough. They only take a few seconds and don’t require going into “employee only” areas.

This young woman is actually pretty good at the job, and remarkably has managed to stick around for five months, when she’s working and I go in things are usually taken care of or being taken care of. She had a few problems starting that I helped out with like walking her through using the register and such, but the thing that confuses me is from the very start any time she sees me she starts blushing, it took her almost a month to be able to talk to me without tripping over her words which I’ll admit I found a bit amusing though I avoided teasing her about. I’ve seen how she deals with other customers (Go into a gas station between 4-5pm and it’s hard not to see how they deal with other people) and I know that the behavior isn’t normal for all of her customers. We’ve never had a chance to talk for long since I don’t want to get her in trouble but we do have similar interest and I’ve gotten the impression from her and things her co-workers that are friends have told me that she’s a genuinely great person.

Being demisexual I don’t really actively look for relationships and I rarely date but I want to give this a try. Knowing approaching her at work was probably the worst way but lacking any other option I told her I’d like a chance to hang out with her and get to know her outside of work some time and wrote my number down for her last month and asked her to call when she got a chance. A few days later though she got promoted to assistant manager and has been working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week, at the same time we seem to have taken a step back as any time she sees me she her face turns the same color as her hair and she suddenly comments to a co-worker loud enough for me to hear about something in the back area that she needs to do and vanishes. Is there some way to figure out if I over stepped a boundary Doc or do I keep acting like nothing has changed? I really would like to get to know her and see if there is the potential for a relationship, if nothing else I think it would be worthwhile to have her as a good friend.

Just Trying To Help

DEAR JUST TRYING TO HELP: Let’s talk about perception for a moment, because you’re seeing this one way, but I can promise you that just about everyone else is seeing it another.

It’s cool that you’ll help out on occasion, but I gotta be honest with you… it’s a little weird. There’s “helping carry something that’s too heavy for one person” and then there’s “dude is unloading the inventory into the fridge”. Having worked there before makes it a little less weird – ask any former bookstore employees about trying to resist the urge to straighten the shelves at Barnes and Noble – but there comes a point where it starts to seem like you’ve got ulterior motives… especially seeing as you’re already there twice a day.

So now there’s this young woman. You think she’s cute. You’ve tried to be helpful and show her the ropes. Offering advice. Doing stuff around the store. Showing her how to use the register.1 And you’re there twice a day, every day.

You realize that, as far as an outside observer sees, this goes beyond “being a regular” and well into “he’s here because of that one clerk” territory, and that’s gonna weird some people out. Especially someone who’s young, shy and in a front-facing customer service job where she pretty much has to interact with you because she’s out on her ass otherwise.

From her end of things, that makes dealing with a customer with a crush problematic. But to a certain extent, it’s a manageable one. From her perspective, yeah, it’s a little weird when he starts stocking the cooler but it’s possible to basically pretend that he’s not here because he’s into her and that he’s trying to do things for her specifically and she can just pretend not to notice that he’s into her.

Then you hand her your number and tell her to call you some time. Suddenly it’s not as easy to ignore why you’re there, talking to her. Now it’s awkward and maybe even a little creepy from her end of things and she’s trying her best to just avoid the whole matter entirely by disappearing.

You’re right: approaching her at work is pretty much the worst possible way to approach someone, especially when she’s in customer service. It’s a Dating 301 sort of approach, the kind where you’d better be pretty damn good at reading signals because people mistake professional niceness for interest and being nervous and flustered for attracted-but-shy.

Honestly, JTTH, this isn’t going anywhere good. She’s not into you and I don’t think she was in the first place. I think you misread things and got in deeper than you should have and now it’s all awkward as hell. Really, the best thing you can do right now is give her lots of space and not seek her out when you stop by the convenience store.

And seriously, unless they ask you for help? Stop doing unpaid labor there. That’s not helping you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve just finished university (or ‘college’ as the yanks call it) and find myself in a bit of a relationship quandary with one of the first people I met after moving in. After lots of awkwardness and taking responsibility for unintentional creepiness on my part, she and I settled into a great friendship and shared a good deal of personal stuff with each other.

After I came on too strong by asking to kiss her without going on a date first, I instinctively gave her a few weeks of space. The next time we saw each other she seemed much more into me than before but I just assumed she was more secure after I had accepted her boundaries with no attempt at Nice Guy guilt trips or manipulation.

Since then we’ve had a good deal of distance put between us by final year essays and now the hunt for jobs (that she’s struggling with more than me) in our respective home towns. Her work difficulties have made me, for reasons I’m wary of thinking about, more attracted to her than ever.

I’ve mentioned I’m heading over near her for a comic con and asked if she wanted to go together or find some inexpensive fun to act as some respite. She seemed hesitant but said she’d let me know when we could meet up if her business eases off anytime soon.

With the backstory out of the way, riddle me these questions three: is this new attraction of mine based on some savior complex? Would trying to support her come off like taking advantage of her struggles to try and be close with her? If not and if things go well, is it ever worth asking someone out again after they’ve rejected you?

Awaiting a witty and insightful response,

Second Times the Charm

DEAR SECOND TIME’S THE CHARM: As a general rule, there’s nothing inherently wrong with asking somebody out after they’ve turned you down once – presuming that circumstances have changed. If they were seeing someone, or they weren’t interested before but now they’re getting a little flirty or you’re both in different places than you were before… that’s all cool. Pestering someone who’s made their wishes clear before? That ain’t cool.

Now as for your friend and crush… well, you’ve got some serious self-examining to do, STTC. You’re the one who just told me that your interest in her went up watching her struggle for work. Why is that? Are you seeing this as an opportunity to “save” her by being the RomCom cinnamon roll who shows up, slams the books shut and says “Alright, you need a break” and taking her out for a montage? Because I’ll warn you now: that doesn’t work unless you already have a pretty deep level of intimacy together. That’s the sort of grand romantic gesture that works in movies but not so much in real life. 

Now as it is, it sounds like you’re getting the brush-off; she’s got some legitimate reasons why she can’t do anything, but “I’ll let you know if things ease up” is a pretty standard soft “no”. Most of the time when someone really wants to see you, either they’ll make time or they’ll suggest a specific alternate time.

But for argument’s sake, we’ll presume that she is down to meet up when you’re in town. So let’s game this out a little: you’re in town, she’s got a little free time to see you.  What, exactly, do you expect to happen when you go up there? Are you seeing this as “quick lunch, a mutual vent session over the bulls

t of trying to find work, and going your separate ways”? Or are you holding out hope that this is going to start off as grabbing a drink somewhere, then maybe oh-look-at-the-time-you-hungry-I-could-eat-lets-get-dinner, then maybe another drink and a long walk as the stars come out and you’re sharing various intimacies about your life and then standing in front of her building or her car and going “So…”?

Going into this hoping that you can turn a friendly meet-up into Schrödinger’s Date isn’t something you do to a friend – especially a friend who’s struggling with life at the moment. It adds a layer of stress and confusion to an already stressful situation and makes her wonder whether she can rely on you as a friend or if you’re always going to be looking for an “in”. That means that now she can’t trust you the way she could before, can’t open up to you the way she could before or generally look to you for emotional support. That’s a pretty shitty thing to do to someone under a lot of stress.

The difference between being a genuine friend and a Nice GuyTM (as opposed to a good guy) is one of having an agenda. I mean, there’s “Hey, you’ve been having a rough time of it, let’s go blow off some steam and do something fun to take your mind off your troubles” and then there’s “I want to be the person to make her feel better so she’s grateful and realizes what a wonderful guy I am and starts to fall for me.” And if you’re seeing her stress as being your “in” with her, then the best thing you can do is just leave things alone.

She doesn’t need a Nice GuyTM right now. She needs a friend.

Be her friend. See where things are when the year is over and she’s not stressed out over work.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hi Dr. NerdLove, I am 5 years into a relationship, and we've lived together for 3 of those years. During the past year, a new neighbor moved in next door. She is about a decade younger than us, and often spends time working in her backyard wearing tight short-shorts and an exercise bra. She's truly gorgeous and model fit with bleached blonde hair. Our kitchen window is above our sink and stove, and it looks directly into her backyard.

My partner has become so distracted by her that it's uncomfortable for me to be in my own kitchen. I do my best to go about my business and be calm - and keep the curtain closed - but I frequently catch him staring out the window, finding excuses to open the curtains, and coming up with reasons to be in the yard. I've even seen him standing in front of the window - with the top half of the window exposed - at night after showering, naked.

I feel a sense of dread in my stomach when I'm heading home, wondering if she'll be out in the yard today. I've brought up my discomfort with my partner twice. The first time, he completely denied it. The next day, he asked me to marry him. The second time he also pretended it wasn't happening.

I do want to have compassion for him. It must be so exciting to him to have a free show in his own kitchen. But it's hard to hold my head high. Do you have any insight or advice on how to talk to him about this, or about what I should do?

Thank you,

Tired Of The Show

DEAR TIRED OF THE SHOW: Humans are built to seek out variety and novelty in virtually all forms of stimulus. One of the weirder quirks of the human psyche is how easily we get used to just about anything. It's called hedonic adaptation; once we adapt to a particular stimuli, we return to our pre-existing baseline. So as comfy as your bed may be, after a certain amount of time, it becomes just "your bed". As delicious as your favorite food may be, eat enough of it and it's just "food". And no matter how much you love and desire your partner, there comes a point where they're your baseline. They don't give you the same thrill as they did when things were new and exciting.

One of the ways this manifests is the way that we react when we see someone hot. We get that little dopamine hit straight to the brain and want more. So we keep looking. It's a natural and nearly universal response, across cultures, relationship status and gender.

But the fact that it's natural and understandable doesn't change the fact that sometimes you end up acting like an jackass in the process.

Case in point: your boyfriend, ToTS. It's normal that he's going to be interested in checking out your new hot neighbor. The way he’s going about it, however, is rude, hurtful, and honestly, really creepy. First and foremost, he's ignoring how uncomfortable this is making you. The fact that you've called him out on this, twice, and he's still doing it? That's unacceptable.

Distracting you with a proposal or just straight up lying? That's adding insult to injury; he's behaving as though you're stupid or that he can bluff his way into making you doubt your own lying eyes.

Then there's the WAY he's behaving. Sensible folks who'd like to check someone out without being weird about it learn to use their peripheral vision. One can still get an eyeful without staring like a horny 12 year old. But starting to hang out in front of the window naked? That's some escalating behavior right there. I'm wondering if your boyfriend doesn't have a voyeur fetish... or if he's hoping to get caught by said hot neighbor. Maybe he's starting to hope that she'll see his naked self staring out the window and invite him over like a bad porno.

Of course, what is far more likely to happen is that she's going to get seriously weirded out and possibly call the cops on him. People don’t appreciate being dragged into someone performing in else's sexual fantasy without their consent.

So here's what I suggest: you need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with your boyfriend. I don't know how blunt you were about how uncomfortable he was making you the first two times you brought this up, but now's the time to bring out the Chair Leg of Truth. He needs to know, in no uncertain terms that the way he's ogling the neighbor is making you incredibly uncomfortable, and the fact that he's blown you off twice now is hurtful and unacceptable. Moreover, he's embarrassing himself and acting like a giant creeper. A 12 year old might be forgiven for acting like this - once - because they don't know better. Your boyfriend, however, is a grown-ass man and even goldfish can learn. He presumably has had enough experience that all the blood shouldn't leave his brain at seeing a woman in her underwear, nor to act in such a leering manner that it makes his girlfriend uncomfortable.

This is not a major ask, ToTS. This is equal parts basic consideration and simple emotional intelligence. He should be able to make it through the world without a glimpse of an attractive woman in a sports bra is turning him into the cartoon wolf from Red Hot Riding Hood. He should also be able to get that this hurts you and realize that maybe he should stop.

So lay all of that out there, as bluntly and directly as you humanly can. There shouldn't be any room to doubt how badly up he's behaving and how it's making you feel. Moreover, he needs to know that he needs to grow the hell up and knock it the hell off. Getting a subtle thrill is one thing. Making you feel worthless and blithely ignoring your stated boundaries is another.

With luck, a sharp smack upside the head with the clue-by-four will do the trick and he'll shape up already.

And if he doesn't? Then it's time to dump this guy so hard his parents get divorced retroactively, because the only way you have to go from there is down.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  Hey Doc, I just started reading your blog and watching your YouTube channel and I have to say it’s been a lot of fun and has helped me finally try the whole dating thing out. But I’ve tried recently, and it hasn’t gone magnificently.

So I have this coworker- we’ll call her T. Me and T got along wonderfully. She has my exact same sense of humor, we joke around all the time, we have generally similar interests, and I’m never unhappy when I’m around her. Although it did take me a good 3-4 months for me to realize “yeah, I’m totally into her”.

When I made up my mind, I tried to find some way for us to grow closer together so that a relationship could become more feasible. Not dates, but just doing things together outside of work to get closer.

She’s a writer, so I asked if she wanted to read one of her stories at an open mic with me. She said she was too nervous. I asked her if she wanted to play a couch co-op multiplayer game sometime. She said she had only one controller. The only place outside of work is at a gas station and that’s only for a few minutes after work.

After those simple hang outs failed, I decided I was just going to ask her out straight up. I said to her “T, you’re fun. We should do something fun. Do you wanna go out bowling?” At first she said yes, but later that night said that it would be more fun if we went out for breakfast....and invited all of our other coworkers too. I couldn’t say no or that I just wanted it to be the two of us because I had tried so hard to get close to this point and any opportunity just to be with her I would gladly take.

Some time passes, we still get along great and I decided that enough was enough. I sensed something more between us and I wanted to stop fooling around and actually act upon it. One night at the gas station, I asked her “do you wanna be more than just friends?”. I then went on to say that I thought she was funny and likable and pretty as hell. I said that I was never unhappy when I was around her and I wanted to make her as happy as she made me.

She said she would think about it and that she had no idea I had a crush on her. We parted ways and I didn’t contact her so she would have plenty of space and time to think.

When she got back to me, she said that she wanted to stay friends because her anxiety and nervousness would lead to her messing something up and hurting me. She said that really later down the line she might like to try, but she didn’t want to rush anything. She also added that she didn’t want work to become awkward.

I said that it was okay and that I didn’t want to pressure her into doing anything. I also added that whenever she was ready, I probably will still feel the same.

About a month passes and we work past the initial awkward phase at work and soon start to interact as if nothing happened (minus flirting, that has been toned down). I soon discover that another coworker of mine, we’ll call him M, is also into T. T also flirts with and talks with M more than me, especially after I revealed my feelings, so I bet there’s a strong chance that they either want to date or may even already be dating.

And this hurts. I hold no ill will towards either of them or anything, but it just plain hurts and even though I don’t know if they’re officially in a relationship yet, there’s no doubt I’m jealous as hell. Not to mention that if they are dating, all the reasons she didn’t want me were null and void and just boiled down to the fact that she wasn’t attracted to me. I don’t know if I was lied to or what.

I respect M and while he acts like a sarcastic snarky jerk to some people, he doesn’t to me. So I would love to still be friends with both of them, but I still totally have feelings for T. So now I’m completely lost as to what to do next. A part of me wants to just move on, but I still have the slightest glimmer of hope that T and I may still officially date. And if we don’t and T and M become a thing, what can I do to accept that? Should I confront them and just throw it out there that I’m jealous and hurting? Or do I just go on pretending I don’t know anything and just keep my jealousy to myself?

-Openly Confused

DEAR OPENLY CONFUSED: First of all, OC, let me congratulate you. You stepped up and asked someone out on a date. That's good. That takes guts. You should be proud of yourself for putting yourself out there like that.

Now let me explain what's been going on. T isn't interested in you and she's been trying to tell you from the jump. She gets along with you and likes talking with you at work, but she's not interested in seeing you outside of that. All those times she gave you reasons why she couldn't (or wouldn't) go do stuff with you? Those were soft “no's", socially polite, plausible excuses to turn someone down.

Telling someone "no" directly is often seen as being rude or harsh and women in particular are socialized to be deferential and considerate of other people's feelings. So instead of saying "no, thanks" and possibly hurting your feelings, she's been giving throwing obstacles in the way and hoping that you get the hint. This way she can say "no" without actually saying the words and making you feel bad. Instead of drawing attention to the fact that you like her but she doesn't like you the same way, she's giving you an out. You can both agree to pretend it's not you, it's just bad luck/fate/whatever and everybody goes their separate ways.

This includes her telling you "maybe in the future"; it's a way of kicking the can down the road in hopes that it just won't come up again.

Now would it be easier if she just said "hey, thanks but I'd rather stay work friends?" Yes, probably. But socialization is tough to break and, honestly, a lot of dudes react badly to being turned down. There are dozens of women getting threatened, screamed at or physically attacked after saying "no, thanks" on a weekly basis. So for many people, those soft “no's" are safer, even if they can cause confusion.

Yes, you know that you're not like that. But that's still a serious risk for her. Plus, like I said: she's trying to let you down gently.

And hey, it sucks. I get that. Being rejected hurts. But all this means is that you and she weren't right for one another. The best thing you can do is accept this and move on. Because, honestly? There's nothing else for you to do, especially if you really want to be friends with the both of them.

Ask yourself: what does confronting them do? What would you hope to come from that? She knows how you feel; telling her again isn't going to change her mind. Similarly, it's not as though she's flirting with someone else at you. She's not doing this to make you upset. She's flirting with M because she digs him. You honestly don't enter into the equation at all. It sucks that you're envious but that's not their responsibility. That's on you to deal with. Accept that you're sad that it didn't work out between you and T; that's totally legit. Tell yourself that you're happy for the two of them and you want the best for all of them. And then move on.

You did the brave thing and you got your answer. You don't need to spend any time wondering or waiting on her. You're free to go find someone who does want what you have to offer. And they are out there. You just have to keep looking and putting yourself out there, just as you did before.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)