DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m worried I may have overstepped my bounds.

I’m not the most socially skilled guy in the world, and while I keep in decent shape, I’m not going to be on the cover of GQ any time soon. The few relationships I’ve had were the result of the woman metaphorically clubbing me over the head and saying “Hey I’m interested, let’s hook up.” One worked well but ended when I had to move cross country for family issues, and the other was a train wreck because I wanted a relationship and she wanted mindless sex 24/7.

Several months ago the gas station around the corner hired a new attendant, which is pretty normal. The manager is a jerk and pretty clueless so they tend to replace employees faster than a jock changes his underwear. Since I’m in and out about twice a day I still try to take the time to get to know the new people, and since I had once worked there I occasionally offer advice or will do small things on the sales floor that need taken care of if I’m not in a hurry — stuff like starting another pot of coffee, restocking the fountain drink cups and lids, or venturing into the cooler to restock sodas if they aren’t readily available are easy enough. They only take a few seconds and don’t require going into “employee only” areas.

This young woman is actually pretty good at the job, and remarkably has managed to stick around for five months, when she’s working and I go in things are usually taken care of or being taken care of. She had a few problems starting that I helped out with like walking her through using the register and such, but the thing that confuses me is from the very start any time she sees me she starts blushing, it took her almost a month to be able to talk to me without tripping over her words which I’ll admit I found a bit amusing though I avoided teasing her about. I’ve seen how she deals with other customers (Go into a gas station between 4-5pm and it’s hard not to see how they deal with other people) and I know that the behavior isn’t normal for all of her customers. We’ve never had a chance to talk for long since I don’t want to get her in trouble but we do have similar interest and I’ve gotten the impression from her and things her co-workers that are friends have told me that she’s a genuinely great person.

Being demisexual I don’t really actively look for relationships and I rarely date but I want to give this a try. Knowing approaching her at work was probably the worst way but lacking any other option I told her I’d like a chance to hang out with her and get to know her outside of work some time and wrote my number down for her last month and asked her to call when she got a chance. A few days later though she got promoted to assistant manager and has been working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week, at the same time we seem to have taken a step back as any time she sees me she her face turns the same color as her hair and she suddenly comments to a co-worker loud enough for me to hear about something in the back area that she needs to do and vanishes. Is there some way to figure out if I over stepped a boundary Doc or do I keep acting like nothing has changed? I really would like to get to know her and see if there is the potential for a relationship, if nothing else I think it would be worthwhile to have her as a good friend.

Just Trying To Help

DEAR JUST TRYING TO HELP: Let’s talk about perception for a moment, because you’re seeing this one way, but I can promise you that just about everyone else is seeing it another.

It’s cool that you’ll help out on occasion, but I gotta be honest with you… it’s a little weird. There’s “helping carry something that’s too heavy for one person” and then there’s “dude is unloading the inventory into the fridge”. Having worked there before makes it a little less weird – ask any former bookstore employees about trying to resist the urge to straighten the shelves at Barnes and Noble – but there comes a point where it starts to seem like you’ve got ulterior motives… especially seeing as you’re already there twice a day.

So now there’s this young woman. You think she’s cute. You’ve tried to be helpful and show her the ropes. Offering advice. Doing stuff around the store. Showing her how to use the register.1 And you’re there twice a day, every day.

You realize that, as far as an outside observer sees, this goes beyond “being a regular” and well into “he’s here because of that one clerk” territory, and that’s gonna weird some people out. Especially someone who’s young, shy and in a front-facing customer service job where she pretty much has to interact with you because she’s out on her ass otherwise.

From her end of things, that makes dealing with a customer with a crush problematic. But to a certain extent, it’s a manageable one. From her perspective, yeah, it’s a little weird when he starts stocking the cooler but it’s possible to basically pretend that he’s not here because he’s into her and that he’s trying to do things for her specifically and she can just pretend not to notice that he’s into her.

Then you hand her your number and tell her to call you some time. Suddenly it’s not as easy to ignore why you’re there, talking to her. Now it’s awkward and maybe even a little creepy from her end of things and she’s trying her best to just avoid the whole matter entirely by disappearing.

You’re right: approaching her at work is pretty much the worst possible way to approach someone, especially when she’s in customer service. It’s a Dating 301 sort of approach, the kind where you’d better be pretty damn good at reading signals because people mistake professional niceness for interest and being nervous and flustered for attracted-but-shy.

Honestly, JTTH, this isn’t going anywhere good. She’s not into you and I don’t think she was in the first place. I think you misread things and got in deeper than you should have and now it’s all awkward as hell. Really, the best thing you can do right now is give her lots of space and not seek her out when you stop by the convenience store.

And seriously, unless they ask you for help? Stop doing unpaid labor there. That’s not helping you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve just finished university (or ‘college’ as the yanks call it) and find myself in a bit of a relationship quandary with one of the first people I met after moving in. After lots of awkwardness and taking responsibility for unintentional creepiness on my part, she and I settled into a great friendship and shared a good deal of personal stuff with each other.

After I came on too strong by asking to kiss her without going on a date first, I instinctively gave her a few weeks of space. The next time we saw each other she seemed much more into me than before but I just assumed she was more secure after I had accepted her boundaries with no attempt at Nice Guy guilt trips or manipulation.

Since then we’ve had a good deal of distance put between us by final year essays and now the hunt for jobs (that she’s struggling with more than me) in our respective home towns. Her work difficulties have made me, for reasons I’m wary of thinking about, more attracted to her than ever.

I’ve mentioned I’m heading over near her for a comic con and asked if she wanted to go together or find some inexpensive fun to act as some respite. She seemed hesitant but said she’d let me know when we could meet up if her business eases off anytime soon.

With the backstory out of the way, riddle me these questions three: is this new attraction of mine based on some savior complex? Would trying to support her come off like taking advantage of her struggles to try and be close with her? If not and if things go well, is it ever worth asking someone out again after they’ve rejected you?

Awaiting a witty and insightful response,

Second Times the Charm

DEAR SECOND TIME’S THE CHARM: As a general rule, there’s nothing inherently wrong with asking somebody out after they’ve turned you down once – presuming that circumstances have changed. If they were seeing someone, or they weren’t interested before but now they’re getting a little flirty or you’re both in different places than you were before… that’s all cool. Pestering someone who’s made their wishes clear before? That ain’t cool.

Now as for your friend and crush… well, you’ve got some serious self-examining to do, STTC. You’re the one who just told me that your interest in her went up watching her struggle for work. Why is that? Are you seeing this as an opportunity to “save” her by being the RomCom cinnamon roll who shows up, slams the books shut and says “Alright, you need a break” and taking her out for a montage? Because I’ll warn you now: that doesn’t work unless you already have a pretty deep level of intimacy together. That’s the sort of grand romantic gesture that works in movies but not so much in real life. 

Now as it is, it sounds like you’re getting the brush-off; she’s got some legitimate reasons why she can’t do anything, but “I’ll let you know if things ease up” is a pretty standard soft “no”. Most of the time when someone really wants to see you, either they’ll make time or they’ll suggest a specific alternate time.

But for argument’s sake, we’ll presume that she is down to meet up when you’re in town. So let’s game this out a little: you’re in town, she’s got a little free time to see you.  What, exactly, do you expect to happen when you go up there? Are you seeing this as “quick lunch, a mutual vent session over the bulls

t of trying to find work, and going your separate ways”? Or are you holding out hope that this is going to start off as grabbing a drink somewhere, then maybe oh-look-at-the-time-you-hungry-I-could-eat-lets-get-dinner, then maybe another drink and a long walk as the stars come out and you’re sharing various intimacies about your life and then standing in front of her building or her car and going “So…”?

Going into this hoping that you can turn a friendly meet-up into Schrödinger’s Date isn’t something you do to a friend – especially a friend who’s struggling with life at the moment. It adds a layer of stress and confusion to an already stressful situation and makes her wonder whether she can rely on you as a friend or if you’re always going to be looking for an “in”. That means that now she can’t trust you the way she could before, can’t open up to you the way she could before or generally look to you for emotional support. That’s a pretty shitty thing to do to someone under a lot of stress.

The difference between being a genuine friend and a Nice GuyTM (as opposed to a good guy) is one of having an agenda. I mean, there’s “Hey, you’ve been having a rough time of it, let’s go blow off some steam and do something fun to take your mind off your troubles” and then there’s “I want to be the person to make her feel better so she’s grateful and realizes what a wonderful guy I am and starts to fall for me.” And if you’re seeing her stress as being your “in” with her, then the best thing you can do is just leave things alone.

She doesn’t need a Nice GuyTM right now. She needs a friend.

Be her friend. See where things are when the year is over and she’s not stressed out over work.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hi Dr. NerdLove, I am 5 years into a relationship, and we've lived together for 3 of those years. During the past year, a new neighbor moved in next door. She is about a decade younger than us, and often spends time working in her backyard wearing tight short-shorts and an exercise bra. She's truly gorgeous and model fit with bleached blonde hair. Our kitchen window is above our sink and stove, and it looks directly into her backyard.

My partner has become so distracted by her that it's uncomfortable for me to be in my own kitchen. I do my best to go about my business and be calm - and keep the curtain closed - but I frequently catch him staring out the window, finding excuses to open the curtains, and coming up with reasons to be in the yard. I've even seen him standing in front of the window - with the top half of the window exposed - at night after showering, naked.

I feel a sense of dread in my stomach when I'm heading home, wondering if she'll be out in the yard today. I've brought up my discomfort with my partner twice. The first time, he completely denied it. The next day, he asked me to marry him. The second time he also pretended it wasn't happening.

I do want to have compassion for him. It must be so exciting to him to have a free show in his own kitchen. But it's hard to hold my head high. Do you have any insight or advice on how to talk to him about this, or about what I should do?

Thank you,

Tired Of The Show

DEAR TIRED OF THE SHOW: Humans are built to seek out variety and novelty in virtually all forms of stimulus. One of the weirder quirks of the human psyche is how easily we get used to just about anything. It's called hedonic adaptation; once we adapt to a particular stimuli, we return to our pre-existing baseline. So as comfy as your bed may be, after a certain amount of time, it becomes just "your bed". As delicious as your favorite food may be, eat enough of it and it's just "food". And no matter how much you love and desire your partner, there comes a point where they're your baseline. They don't give you the same thrill as they did when things were new and exciting.

One of the ways this manifests is the way that we react when we see someone hot. We get that little dopamine hit straight to the brain and want more. So we keep looking. It's a natural and nearly universal response, across cultures, relationship status and gender.

But the fact that it's natural and understandable doesn't change the fact that sometimes you end up acting like an jackass in the process.

Case in point: your boyfriend, ToTS. It's normal that he's going to be interested in checking out your new hot neighbor. The way he’s going about it, however, is rude, hurtful, and honestly, really creepy. First and foremost, he's ignoring how uncomfortable this is making you. The fact that you've called him out on this, twice, and he's still doing it? That's unacceptable.

Distracting you with a proposal or just straight up lying? That's adding insult to injury; he's behaving as though you're stupid or that he can bluff his way into making you doubt your own lying eyes.

Then there's the WAY he's behaving. Sensible folks who'd like to check someone out without being weird about it learn to use their peripheral vision. One can still get an eyeful without staring like a horny 12 year old. But starting to hang out in front of the window naked? That's some escalating behavior right there. I'm wondering if your boyfriend doesn't have a voyeur fetish... or if he's hoping to get caught by said hot neighbor. Maybe he's starting to hope that she'll see his naked self staring out the window and invite him over like a bad porno.

Of course, what is far more likely to happen is that she's going to get seriously weirded out and possibly call the cops on him. People don’t appreciate being dragged into someone performing in else's sexual fantasy without their consent.

So here's what I suggest: you need to have a come-to-Jesus talk with your boyfriend. I don't know how blunt you were about how uncomfortable he was making you the first two times you brought this up, but now's the time to bring out the Chair Leg of Truth. He needs to know, in no uncertain terms that the way he's ogling the neighbor is making you incredibly uncomfortable, and the fact that he's blown you off twice now is hurtful and unacceptable. Moreover, he's embarrassing himself and acting like a giant creeper. A 12 year old might be forgiven for acting like this - once - because they don't know better. Your boyfriend, however, is a grown-ass man and even goldfish can learn. He presumably has had enough experience that all the blood shouldn't leave his brain at seeing a woman in her underwear, nor to act in such a leering manner that it makes his girlfriend uncomfortable.

This is not a major ask, ToTS. This is equal parts basic consideration and simple emotional intelligence. He should be able to make it through the world without a glimpse of an attractive woman in a sports bra is turning him into the cartoon wolf from Red Hot Riding Hood. He should also be able to get that this hurts you and realize that maybe he should stop.

So lay all of that out there, as bluntly and directly as you humanly can. There shouldn't be any room to doubt how badly up he's behaving and how it's making you feel. Moreover, he needs to know that he needs to grow the hell up and knock it the hell off. Getting a subtle thrill is one thing. Making you feel worthless and blithely ignoring your stated boundaries is another.

With luck, a sharp smack upside the head with the clue-by-four will do the trick and he'll shape up already.

And if he doesn't? Then it's time to dump this guy so hard his parents get divorced retroactively, because the only way you have to go from there is down.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  Hey Doc, I just started reading your blog and watching your YouTube channel and I have to say it’s been a lot of fun and has helped me finally try the whole dating thing out. But I’ve tried recently, and it hasn’t gone magnificently.

So I have this coworker- we’ll call her T. Me and T got along wonderfully. She has my exact same sense of humor, we joke around all the time, we have generally similar interests, and I’m never unhappy when I’m around her. Although it did take me a good 3-4 months for me to realize “yeah, I’m totally into her”.

When I made up my mind, I tried to find some way for us to grow closer together so that a relationship could become more feasible. Not dates, but just doing things together outside of work to get closer.

She’s a writer, so I asked if she wanted to read one of her stories at an open mic with me. She said she was too nervous. I asked her if she wanted to play a couch co-op multiplayer game sometime. She said she had only one controller. The only place outside of work is at a gas station and that’s only for a few minutes after work.

After those simple hang outs failed, I decided I was just going to ask her out straight up. I said to her “T, you’re fun. We should do something fun. Do you wanna go out bowling?” At first she said yes, but later that night said that it would be more fun if we went out for breakfast....and invited all of our other coworkers too. I couldn’t say no or that I just wanted it to be the two of us because I had tried so hard to get close to this point and any opportunity just to be with her I would gladly take.

Some time passes, we still get along great and I decided that enough was enough. I sensed something more between us and I wanted to stop fooling around and actually act upon it. One night at the gas station, I asked her “do you wanna be more than just friends?”. I then went on to say that I thought she was funny and likable and pretty as hell. I said that I was never unhappy when I was around her and I wanted to make her as happy as she made me.

She said she would think about it and that she had no idea I had a crush on her. We parted ways and I didn’t contact her so she would have plenty of space and time to think.

When she got back to me, she said that she wanted to stay friends because her anxiety and nervousness would lead to her messing something up and hurting me. She said that really later down the line she might like to try, but she didn’t want to rush anything. She also added that she didn’t want work to become awkward.

I said that it was okay and that I didn’t want to pressure her into doing anything. I also added that whenever she was ready, I probably will still feel the same.

About a month passes and we work past the initial awkward phase at work and soon start to interact as if nothing happened (minus flirting, that has been toned down). I soon discover that another coworker of mine, we’ll call him M, is also into T. T also flirts with and talks with M more than me, especially after I revealed my feelings, so I bet there’s a strong chance that they either want to date or may even already be dating.

And this hurts. I hold no ill will towards either of them or anything, but it just plain hurts and even though I don’t know if they’re officially in a relationship yet, there’s no doubt I’m jealous as hell. Not to mention that if they are dating, all the reasons she didn’t want me were null and void and just boiled down to the fact that she wasn’t attracted to me. I don’t know if I was lied to or what.

I respect M and while he acts like a sarcastic snarky jerk to some people, he doesn’t to me. So I would love to still be friends with both of them, but I still totally have feelings for T. So now I’m completely lost as to what to do next. A part of me wants to just move on, but I still have the slightest glimmer of hope that T and I may still officially date. And if we don’t and T and M become a thing, what can I do to accept that? Should I confront them and just throw it out there that I’m jealous and hurting? Or do I just go on pretending I don’t know anything and just keep my jealousy to myself?

-Openly Confused

DEAR OPENLY CONFUSED: First of all, OC, let me congratulate you. You stepped up and asked someone out on a date. That's good. That takes guts. You should be proud of yourself for putting yourself out there like that.

Now let me explain what's been going on. T isn't interested in you and she's been trying to tell you from the jump. She gets along with you and likes talking with you at work, but she's not interested in seeing you outside of that. All those times she gave you reasons why she couldn't (or wouldn't) go do stuff with you? Those were soft “no's", socially polite, plausible excuses to turn someone down.

Telling someone "no" directly is often seen as being rude or harsh and women in particular are socialized to be deferential and considerate of other people's feelings. So instead of saying "no, thanks" and possibly hurting your feelings, she's been giving throwing obstacles in the way and hoping that you get the hint. This way she can say "no" without actually saying the words and making you feel bad. Instead of drawing attention to the fact that you like her but she doesn't like you the same way, she's giving you an out. You can both agree to pretend it's not you, it's just bad luck/fate/whatever and everybody goes their separate ways.

This includes her telling you "maybe in the future"; it's a way of kicking the can down the road in hopes that it just won't come up again.

Now would it be easier if she just said "hey, thanks but I'd rather stay work friends?" Yes, probably. But socialization is tough to break and, honestly, a lot of dudes react badly to being turned down. There are dozens of women getting threatened, screamed at or physically attacked after saying "no, thanks" on a weekly basis. So for many people, those soft “no's" are safer, even if they can cause confusion.

Yes, you know that you're not like that. But that's still a serious risk for her. Plus, like I said: she's trying to let you down gently.

And hey, it sucks. I get that. Being rejected hurts. But all this means is that you and she weren't right for one another. The best thing you can do is accept this and move on. Because, honestly? There's nothing else for you to do, especially if you really want to be friends with the both of them.

Ask yourself: what does confronting them do? What would you hope to come from that? She knows how you feel; telling her again isn't going to change her mind. Similarly, it's not as though she's flirting with someone else at you. She's not doing this to make you upset. She's flirting with M because she digs him. You honestly don't enter into the equation at all. It sucks that you're envious but that's not their responsibility. That's on you to deal with. Accept that you're sad that it didn't work out between you and T; that's totally legit. Tell yourself that you're happy for the two of them and you want the best for all of them. And then move on.

You did the brave thing and you got your answer. You don't need to spend any time wondering or waiting on her. You're free to go find someone who does want what you have to offer. And they are out there. You just have to keep looking and putting yourself out there, just as you did before.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a very average guy when it comes to dating, I feel. I go out on dates with girls once in a awhile. I don’t have any issues with asking girls out, but at the same time I’m not a “player”. The question is: What do I do if I’m insecure about my girl’s career? Is there something to make it easier to get over?

I’ve been dating this girl for a while. I met her in a bar in where she was working as a go-go dancer. Her lifestyle of constant bars and clubs, along with getting hit on by various celebrities makes me insecure. In the past few years she has been on TV, including a stint was a model on some pretty awful shows on the former Spike TV network.  

I don’t stop her from doing anything, And I never pay for anything. But her lifestyle, and the fact that she makes more money then me makes me insecure. I find myself working that she’s going to decide she could do better or that some Hollywood celebrity will turn her head. How do I learn to get over this insecurity?

LIVING THE DREAM, LIVING THE NIGHTMARE

DEAR LIVING THE DREAM, LIVING THE NIGHTMARE: This is a classic case of the “The Chasing Cars Dilemma”. Lots of guys get crushes on women who are make money based on their looks, whether they’re go-go dancers, strippers, burlesque dancers, Twitch streamers, cam-girls, models or what-have you.

However, there’s having a crush on these women and then there’s the reality of dating them. Like a dog chasing cars, what the Hell do you do when you actually catch one?

If you’ll pardon what I freely admit is an awkward and problematic metaphor: Dating women in these careers is often like owning a high-end sports car. It’s great in theory, but the reality is very different. They make you feel cool and your friends will be jealous as hell, but actually owning the car may make you more stressed than you realize.

The same is true about dating people who are professionally sexy. The fantasy of the relationship is great, but the reality of it often involves issues that you never considered. You’re going to have to be pretty secure in both yourself and your relationship to make it work.

One thing you need to recognize is that jobs that require someone to work in the public eye - especially jobs that focus on someone’s appearance - tend to attracts a particular personality type. While exceptions will always exist, a lot of people who pursue these kinds of careers tend to be people who like being the center of attention. And, society being what it is, that often means male attention.

And with that attention comes people who are willing (and, often, able) to try to buy the model’s time and affection. Sometimes this comes in the form of people who’re willing to blow their get-a-life savings in cash tips or gifts. Other times it comes in the form of parties, networking and job opportunities. And if a person’s job on tips or the largesse of strangers, then being flirty and approachable is also part of the job.

That can be hard to deal with, especially if you’re prone to jealousy or insecurity.

So yes, it’s entirely understandable – reasonable, even – that you might feel a little insecure by the fact she’s rubbing elbows with celebrities. It’s entirely understandable why you’d feel like you can’t compete.

Here’s the thing to keep in mind: she’s chosen to be with YOU. You offer her something nobody else is giving her.

Yeah, there are plenty of folks who’ll tell you all kinds of crap about hypergamy or gold-diggers and how women evolved to look for the highest value provider or what-not.

It’s bullsh*t. Women don’t date people based on their bank statements or their resumes or their cars, they date PEOPLE. The fact that she’s dating you means that you have what she values. Whether it’s the way you make her laugh, the way that you see the real her, the way that you make her feel safe and secure or just how you can always make her smile, the point is that she’s with you for a reason.

You may not be one of the strangers buying her lavish presents or taking her to star-studded events, but you are the one who makes her feel special in the ways nobody else does. That’s no small thing.

But what about all her Hollywood suitors? How are you supposed to compete with them?

You don’t.

You don’t have their money, you don’t have their fame or their opportunities, so don’t try. Never play the game on someone else’s home turf; play it on yours, where YOU have the advantage. You know her. You know what she values. You know what she needs, and you know how to provide it.

Now I’ll be honest with you: this can be rough. You’ll be dealing with jealousy and the feeling that you don’t measure up. These are natural and understandable. And there are many ways to deal with them. Part of it is to work on yourself and become a better, more interesting and attractive person — the best, most refined version of you.

But the bigger part is to be a grown-ass adult about it and keep the lines of communication open. The more you and your girlfriend can be honest with one another, the more you two communicate and are able to reassure one another and keep the core of your connection vital and alive? The better you will do.

There will always be imbalances in every relationship; one of you will be more attractive than the other, one of you will make more money than the other. That’s life.

If she’s pulling in more money than you right now, then be happy for her because hey, that’s awesome. It’s great that she’s having success. Getting insecure about it or acting as though this somehow makes you less of a man — it doesn’t — is only going to hurt.

And who knows? You very well might find YOUR career taking off and it will bring you on par.

The best thing you can do here is relax and appreciate what you have. It can be tricky, but it CAN work. You just have to decide whether you have enough faith in your girlfriend and in your relationship to endure.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am not a good looking person by any stretch of the imagination, at least not in the conventional sense of beauty. The thing is, when I’m using dating apps like OKCupid, Plenty of Fish and Tinder, I can easily find women I’m attracted to, both by their pics and their self-description. The thing is, they don’t seem to be as interested in me as I am in them.

I will also be contacted by women who are attracted to me, but whom I don’t find attractive in return. How do I remedy my own physical attractions (as physical as you can get over the Interwebz) to girls who aren’t interested and girls who are interested? 

- Skin Deep

DEAR SKIN DEEP: Welcome to the wonderful world of dating, where Venn diagram of the people you’re into and the people who are into you can often be two separate circles with minimal overlap.

I’m going to level with you, Skin Deep: dating is often a numbers game, especially when it comes to dating apps. One of the benefits of dating apps is that we’re able to look for exactly what we want in a partner. Of course, this is also the drawback: it’s very easy to be so focused on what you think you want that you pass up on people who you might work with if you met them in person. OKCupid and Tinder are great, but we’re designed to pick up on thousands of little signals that indicate whether we’d find someone compatible or not, and you can’t get those from a dating app.

As a result, you’re going to go through a lot of no’s and people who seem great on paper but don’t work in person. You’re also going to end up missing people who aren’t perfect on paper, but that you might click with if you’d met under different circumstances.

You say that you’re not conventionally attractive; clearly you’re not unattractive, since you have women who’re trying to get together with you. But there’s more to attraction than looks; there are issues like shared interests or compatible lifestyles. The investment banker is going to have a hard time dating the club kid, no matter how hot they may find one another; there’re just too many differences in what they want from life.

Now when it comes to finding the right intersection of people who you want who also want you, there’re a few things that you can do. Part of it is to just lean into who you are. It’s good to be polarizing, instead of a broad people-pleaser.

As much as it’s a cliche, you really don’t want to be everyone’s cup of tea. It’s far better to be a few people’s shot of whiskey. That is: you don’t want lots of people who only kind of like you, you want a small number of folks who REALLY want you. Spending some time working on presenting exactly who you are and what you have to offer and polishing it up to a bright sheen can help you find the people who’re going to crave what you’ve got.

You may also try a few things like changing up your profile and getting some professional pictures taken. Sometimes the problem is less how you look and more the way that you’re presenting yourself. Never underestimate how things like lighting and camera angles can completely change how somebody looks.

But at the same time, you may want to examine your attitudes towards the ones you are attracted to vs. the ones who come to you. If you’re refusing them out of some sense of “I deserve better”, you could be seriously screwing yourself out of opportunities that you don’t realize. Remember what I just said about how dating apps mean we may overlook people we’d dig under other circumstances? That applies here.

Now don’t get me wrong: if you’re not attracted to someone, you’re not attracted to someone and trying to force it isn’t going to work. But at the same time, if you’re hoping people are going to give you a chance, you need to be willing to do the same for them.

Some people don’t necessarily photograph well, or know how to be photogenic. Others may not be model-beautiful but are attractive anyway even if they don’t conform to the Instagram-famous version of beauty. They may have qualities that you’d crave in a partner, if you met them in person.

They may not be your ideal on paper, but they may work far better in person. If they seem like they might be cool, then roll the dice and gamble 30 minutes and a cup of coffee. Worst case scenario: you’re out 30 minutes of your time and $5 for a latte. Best case scenario: you might surprise yourself and realize that - as the sage said - you can’t always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)