LEAD STORY -- My Kingdom for an Editor

Queen Elizabeth II's platinum jubilee is celebrated this year, and the souvenir producers are hard at work creating tchotchkes to commemorate it -- but apparently not hard enough at work to proofread their copy. People magazine reported that because of a translating error, Karl Baxter, CEO of Wholesale Clearance U.K., is trying to sell more than 10,000 pieces that trumpet the queen's "platinum jubbly" -- mugs, tea sets and plates featuring an illustration of Elizabeth and her coat of arms. Baxter hopes to salvage $44,000 from the lot and says the buyer could make a "potential profit" of $400,000. The website suggests using the items for a plate-smashing contest or a "dangerous game of Frisbee." [People, 2/1/2022]

Least Competent Criminals

First rule of being a criminal? Keep up with car maintenance. On Jan. 27, police in New Kensington, Pennsylvania, pulled over a Chevy Trax because its license plate light was burned out, TribLive reported. The driver, Ise Lamont Woods, 31, had an outstanding warrant from Jan. 5 for criminal mischief and disorderly conduct, among other charges. One of the passengers, Raphael Angel Geiger, 30, was wanted for a parole violation. And Don Lamont Carter, 26, allegedly tossed a bag with 29 grams of crack cocaine in it to a female passenger, asking her to "tuck it"; he was already wanted on a previous warrant. When police searched the vehicle, the bag of cocaine fell out of the woman's sweatshirt; she also had a crack pipe hidden in her bra. Geiger and Woods were taken into custody; Carter was released on his own recognizance. [TribLive, 1/31/2022]

Reefer Madness

A 23-year-old Thai man's harrowing ordeal was documented in late January in the Journal of Medical Case Reports, Gizmodo reported. Doctors at Chiang Mai University wrote that the young man, who had been a regular user of cannabis but had stopped for three months, had resumed his habit, with devastating effects. Two hours after hitting the bong, the man suffered a bout of psychosis and an "unwanted" erection, which prompted him to use scissors to "trim the penile skin several times." However, he went too far, eventually ending up with just an inch-long stump. At the hospital, doctors stopped his bleeding and created a new opening for his urethra, but his penis was too damaged to be reattached. He was diagnosed with substance-induced psychotic disorder; after two weeks of hospitalization and anti-psychotic drugs, he reported no more symptoms. [Gizmodo, 2/1/2022]

The Passing Parade

Maybe it was just the prospect of one more day of notoriety followed by 364 of boredom, but for Milltown Mel, it was curtains on Jan. 30, the New York Daily News reported. Mel, no relation to the better-known Punxsutawney Phil, was New Jersey's prognosticator of spring, and his untimely passing just three days before Groundhog Day left the Milltown Wranglers without a replacement for their event, which was strangely scheduled for Feb. 1 rather than Feb. 2. The Wranglers did not report a cause of death for Mel. [NY Daily News, 2/1/2022]

Suspicious

On Jan. 31, a Rhode Island Red hen was found wandering around a security checkpoint at the Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, the Associated Press reported. The Animal Welfare League of Arlington was summoned, and one of their employees took the bird into custody. Chelsea Jones, a spokesperson for the group, said the hen was "sweet" and "nervous." She has been adopted by a staff person who has a small farm in western Virginia. [Associated Press, 2/2/2022]

Armed and Courteous

When a couple returned to their home in Santa Fe, New Mexico, on Jan. 30 after a few days away, they were shocked to find a messy kitchen and a young man with an assault weapon inside, The Washington Post reported. But even more stunning was the intruder's behavior: He explained that his family in east Texas had been killed and he was on the run from someone. He told the husband that his car had broken down about 100 miles away. "He was extremely embarrassed and apologetic about the situation," the husband told sheriff's officers. As he left, he dropped $200 on a table to help pay for the window he had broken to get in. None of the couple's items had been stolen, including jewelry that was left on a counter, but he had cooked some of their food, slept in a bed and bathed in the master bathroom. Investigators figured he owed the couple $15 for beers and shrimp he consumed. [Washington Post, 2/4/2022]

People With Issues

-- Georgetown University's William Treanor, dean of the law school, met with a Black student group on Feb. 1 to hear their complaints about an incoming lecturer, Ilya Shapiro, after he made comments about President Joe Biden's plans to replace Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer. National Review reported that the students wanted to discuss a "reparations" package with Treanor, which included a designated place on campus to cry. "Is there an office they can go to?" one student asked. "I don't know what it would look like, but if they want to cry, if they need to break down, where can they go? Because we're at the point where students are coming out of class to go to the bathroom to cry." [National Review, 2/1/2022]

-- "All I wanted was some steak," one customer was heard to say in a video of a brawl that broke out at a Golden Corral in Bensalem, Pennsylvania, on Jan. 28, CBS Philly reported. Reports were unclear about what started the brawl, but employee Gaven Lauletta gave his account of the incident: "There was a shortage of steak and two parties were involved and one family cut in front of another family, they were taking their time and they ran out of steak and it got into a heated exchange at the tables," he said. Police said more than 40 people may have been involved in the melee, although no serious injuries were reported. [CBS Philly, 2/1/2022]

Unclear on the Concept

As she waited to check out at Walmart in Crockett, Texas, on Jan. 13, an unnamed woman was approached by Rebecca Lanette Taylor, 49, who "began commenting on her son's blond hair and blue eyes. She asked how much she could purchase him for," police reported. The mom thought Taylor was making a weird joke, but Taylor said she had $250,000 cash in her car, according to Messenger News. When the mom said no amount of money would be enough, Taylor increased her voice volume and her bid to $500,000 and told her she'd been wanting to buy a baby for a long time. Taylor was arrested on Jan. 18 and charged with sale or purchase of a child, a third-degree felony. [Messenger News, 1/20/2022]

Clowns

When Mark, 38, and his wife left for work one morning in January, their back garden in Belfast, Northern Ireland, looked just like it does any other day. But when the wife returned that afternoon, there was a concrete slab painted with a creepy clown face propped against the wall, the Belfast Telegraph reported. "Someone would have had to come through our gate and down the steps to place it there -- and deliberately place it so it was facing the window so we would see it," Mark said. The clown was holding a lighted candle, and on the reverse, a Bible verse was inscribed: "Let your light shine. Matthew 5:16." Mark contacted friends, neighbors and family members to see if it was a prank, or if others had received a clown, but no one had experienced anything similar. He threw the clown away, but remains creeped out: "It's so unsettling." [Belfast Telegraph, 1/26/2022]

Clive Jones, 66, a retired teacher in Derby, England, calls himself the "world's most prolific sperm donor," having fathered 129 children, with nine currently on the way. Jones has been donating his semen for nine years through Facebook, he told DerbyshireLive, because of the "happiness it brings" to donee families. But his wife of more than 40 years isn't so pleased; they now live apart. Jones explained that he drives to a park near the donee's home and collects the sample in the back of his van (complete with window curtains), then texts them to say he'll "be round in three minutes." England's Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority has issued a medical warning about Jones, saying, "If arrangements are made outside of the clinic environment, there can be medical and legal risks." [DerbyShire Live, 1/26/2022]

Inappropriate

Tourists and locals in Venice, Italy, got all judgy on Jan. 21 when a 30-year-old Czech woman stripped off her top and went for a swim near the Monument to the Partisan Woman, a bronze sculpture of a reclining woman that rests partly in and partly out of the water. After her dip, the unnamed woman climbed onto the monument and posed for pictures, CNN reported. "It's like going to Rome, leaping in the Trevi Fountain and then saying, 'What do you mean, you can't do this?'" said Mario Nason, who was walking by with his son at the time. "Why do people do these things in Venice that they wouldn't do elsewhere? They probably didn't know that the statue of the woman lying there was a dead partisan. But it's treating Venice like a beach." Police banned the woman from Venice for 48 hours and fined her $513. [CNN, 1/25/2022]

Bright Ideas

-- Zachary Taylor Blood, 33, of Galveston, Texas, pleaded guilty on Jan. 25 to trying to smuggle two men into the United States in a flag-draped coffin, The New York Times reported. Blood showed up at a border patrol checkpoint near Encino, Texas, on Oct. 26, where he told the agent he was hauling a "Dead guy, Navy guy" when asked about his cargo. But the agent, who was a military veteran, noticed the "rusty and dented coffin" and saw that the flag had been "crudely taped" to it. Agents explored further and found two live men, cousins, inside the coffin. One man told agents that it had been hot and hard to breathe in the box, and he had agreed to pay $6,000 to be smuggled to San Antonio. Blood will be sentenced on May 11 and could receive up to five years in federal prison. [New York Times, 1/25/2022]

-- The Irish Times reported that on Jan. 21, two men carried Peader Doyle, 66, into a post office in Carlow, Ireland, and inquired about collecting his pension. Staff and other customers became concerned about Doyle, as he seemed unresponsive, and made efforts to resuscitate him, but he was already deceased. While an investigation showed there was no foul play in his death, the two men were detained by police on Jan. 26. One of the men had gone to the post office earlier that day to try to collect Doyle's pension, but he was told the person had to be there. Both insisted that Doyle was alive but unwell when they left his home and that they helped him as he walked to the post office. They believe he died there. [Irish Times, 1/26/2022]

Sounds Like a Song

Danville, Pennsylvania, residents were warned to look out for three small monkeys run amok after a crash between two trucks on Jan. 21, The Daily Item reported. State Trooper Andrea Pelachick said a truck with 100 African monkeys on board was on its way to a laboratory when it collided with a dump truck. She tweeted that "a small number of monkeys may have fled the scene" after escaping from their carriers. The three escapees were later located and humanely euthanized. [Daily Item, 1/21/2022]

Teacher of the Year

Robin Hughes teaches special education students at SouthShore Academy in Tampa, Florida, where most of her kindergarten kids had never seen snow, United Press International reported. So Hughes got in touch with her sister, Amber Estes, who lives in Danville, Kentucky. "I said I want you to make me a snowman, and I want you to overnight him to me and see if he can make it to the school," Hughes said. "I want these children in Florida to see snow." Estes said she wrapped Lucky the snowman in foil and packed him with ice in Styrofoam, and "off he went to the local UPS Store." Hughes said her students had looks of "pure joy" on their faces when Lucky was unwrapped on Jan. 20. [UPI, 1/27/2022]

The Way the World Works

With a snowstorm bearing down on New England, residents of five homes on Hampshire Street in Metheun, Massachusetts, have a real problem: The city will no longer remove snow from their street. Mayor Neil Perry sent a letter to homeowners alerting them to the change, which he attributed to the street being private property. He told NBC10 Boston that he received an anonymous tip about the property ownership. But neighbors are not having it: "There is a storm coming this weekend. Like, God forbid 911 needs to be called in," said Collette Maksou. Cornelia Illmann hoped the city would reconsider: "We pay taxes, just as any other resident of Methuen does." However, the assistant city solicitor is holding their ground. [NBC10 Boston, 1/26/2022]

Oops

Diners eating on the deck at Flip Flops Dockside Eatery in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, were plunged into the Intracoastal Waterway when the deck partially collapsed on Jan. 21. NBC6 South Florida reported that three people swam to a nearby boat, where they were pulled out of the water, and two of them went to the hospital with minor injuries. Fire Rescue Battalion Chief Stephen Gollan said the dock had apparent signs of decay and areas that had visibly been recently repaired. [NBC6 South Florida, 1/21/2022]

New World Order

In an elementary school classroom in Berlin, one student is a little ... different from the others. Joshua Martinangeli, 7, is too ill to attend school in person, so a robot avatar sits at his desk and relays lessons to him at home. "The children talk to him, laugh with him and sometimes even chitchat with him during the lesson," the school's headmistress, Ute Winterberg, told Reuters. The avatar displays a blinking signal when Joshua wants to say something. The school district bought four of the avatars for use in the classrooms during COVID-19, but officials believe they'll be used beyond the pandemic. When asked whether he'll be happy for Joshua to return to school, his classmate Noah Kuessner said he likes it "either way because I like the avatar." [Reuters, 1/20/2022]

Least Competent Criminal

Augie's Grocery Deli in Jersey City, New Jersey, was the target of three robberies by the same crook over six days, Oddee.com reported. Not only did the masked perp take cash and merchandise, but he assaulted Augie Lopez, 77, and his wife, Nilda Moldonado, even though Lopez is disabled. The robberies took place on Jan. 10, 15 and 16. But when he came back on Jan. 21, Officer Maurice Johnson was lying in wait for him. "He (Johnson) was going to stand outside the store, but I told him to come inside and sit down, but don’t let yourself be seen," Lopez said. When the robber saw Johnson, he ran out the front door and into the arms of Lopez's son, Officer Agustin Lopez Jr. Travis Nealy, 34, was arrested and charged with several crimes. "I feel much, much safer now," Lopez said. [Oddee.com, 1/26/2022]

In the United Kingdom, as of Jan. 29, flouting a new highway code rule will cost you up to 1,000 pounds, the Mirror reported. The rule requires someone inside a car to open the door with the hand farthest from the door, employing a technique known as the Dutch Reach. In other words, if you're driving (on the right side of the car), you would use your left hand to reach around and open the car door. (The technique is borrowed from the Netherlands, thus the name.) Rule 239 reads: "This will make you turn your head to look over your shoulder. You are then more likely to avoid causing injury to cyclists or motorcyclists passing you on the road, or to people on the pavement." If a person in a car injures someone by opening with the wrong hand, a fine will be levied. Cycling UK estimates that more than 500 people are injured every year by car doors. [Mirror, 1/21/2022]

Wait, What?

Cameron Newsom, 42, of Colorado Springs, Colorado, was treated for stage 4 squamous cell carcinoma on her tongue in 2013, the New York Post reported. Removing the tumor meant also removing part of her tongue, which doctors replaced with skin and muscle taken from her thigh. Through all of her experiences in treating the cancer, she said, "The weirdest part ... was when I felt a rough texture on the 'thigh' part of my tongue -- and when I looked in the mirror, it had started growing leg hair!" Newsom had to learn to speak again and still finds eating a challenge, but she's back to being a gymnastics coach, even with her fuzzy tongue. [New York Post, 1/19/2022]

It's a Living

Xavier Long, 20, of Yerkwood, Alabama, has discovered a way to profit from human jealousy and insecurity, the Daily Mail reported. Suspicious partners pay Long to flirt on social media with their loved ones as a loyalty test, and Long rakes in the proceeds: In one week alone, he made over $2,000. Long said he receives about 100 requests for help every day and charges a minimum of $10. If a woman he's paid to flirt with gives him any of her personal contact information, he considers her a "fail." "I'm helping people, so I feel like it's a good thing in a way," Long said. "Doing these tests has allowed me to stop working a 9-to-5 job." [Daily Mail, 1/7/2022]

When Pigs Swim

Veteran surfer Ingrid Seiple was catching a wave on Dec. 18 off Oahu, Hawaii, when she saw something floating like a log in the water, KITV reported. She at first thought it was a Hawaiian monk seal, but, she said, "That's when I realized it was a pig, and it saw me. It started swimming toward me as fast as it could! It was very close and getting closer. I pushed the board between the pig and I and it bit my board." Seiple thinks the wild boar was chased into the ocean by hunting dogs. "It looked like it had an injury on its face," she said. Seiple escaped the boar without harm, but no word on the pig's condition. [KITV, 12/21/2021]

Don't See That Every Day

Motorists on I-59 in Tennessee on Jan. 12 got a closeup look at the world's largest cast-iron skillet as it made its way on a flatbed truck to the future Lodge Cast Iron Museum in South Pittsburg, Tennessee. The big fry pan measures 18 feet from handle to handle and weighs more than 14,000 pounds, United Press International reported. It will be used outside the museum, which is set to open in late summer. Get your selfie stick ready! [UPI, 1/14/2022]

Family Values

Teacher Kerry Lyn Caviasca, 36, of Watertown, Connecticut, was arrested on Jan. 15 and charged with two counts of risk of injury to a child and second-degree reckless endangerment, WFSB-TV reported, stemming from an incident in November. According to the arrest warrant, Caviasca's ex-husband informed police that she had left their two children, both under age 12, home alone for two days while she went on vacation to Florida with her boyfriend. When the father checked one of the children's phones, he saw texts between the child and Caviasca, including exchanges about what they should eat, to which she replied, "Just eat candy." She also instructed them to stay in the basement so they wouldn't be seen. The children told police they were alone in the house, except for their dog. [WFSB, 1/20/2022]

Just Rewards

Mayor Chen Qimai of Kaohsiung City, Taiwan, has ordered a clever punishment for people convicted of drunk driving in his community. Oddity Central reported that offenders will have to clean funeral parlors to give them the experience of being close to death. In January, 11 drunk drivers spent hours cleaning a mortuary, refrigeration unit and crematorium. "I had never been close to death, and it felt disturbing," one offender said. When they were finished, they reportedly expressed their deep remorse and said they wouldn't drive drunk again. [Oddity Central, 1/19/2022]

Mistaken Identity

Police were called to investigate on Jan. 15 after a motorist on the M11 in Ely, Cambridgeshire, England, spotted what they believed were the sneakered feet of a dead person rolled up in a carpet in another car. A law enforcement spokesperson explained, however, that the feet belonged to "a mannequin dressed as Prince Charming who was on his way to a themed birthday! Thankfully, this was a false alarm." Metro News reported that the driver was advised to "avoid such circumstances occurring again." [Metro News, 1/17/2022]

Undignified Death

Newsweek reported that a man in Spain perished on Jan. 20 while he was working in an agricultural warehouse. The unnamed 34-year-old was buried when a large quantity of carrots fell on him, emergency services said. The man died at the scene. [Newsweek, 1/21/2022]

When in Doubt, Use the Pork

A Jack Russell terrier named Millie, who slipped out of her leash and became stranded on mudflats near Hampshire, England, was lured to safety with the most reliable of baits: a sausage. Officials began a rescue mission when it seemed Millie might be swept out to sea, but their efforts failed for four days, the Guardian reported on Jan. 20. But one of the rescuers thought of dangling a sausage from a drone and flying it over her. "It was a crazy idea," said Chris Taylor, chair of the Denmead Drone Search and Rescue team. "If we hadn't got her away from that area the tide would have come in and she would have been at risk of drowning. The sausages were the last resort." Millie's owner, Emma Oakes, confirmed that Millie "really likes food and she'll eat anything you give her ... but she much prefers sausages." [Guardian, 1/20/2022]

Nay-chur

In the wee hours of Jan. 19, residents along Hastings Drive in Belmont, California, were awakened by growling and roaring in their front yard, KTVU-TV reported. Two mountain lions were captured by doorbell camera as they fought to the death. The prevailing lion then dragged the dead one across the street to a neighbor's front porch. "Just keep your head on a swivel," suggested Kevin Stanford, who is part of the neighborhood's watch team. Tiffany Yap, an expert at the Center for Biological Diversity, said the attack was just "mountain lions being mountain lions. It's a common occurrence for mountain lions to kill each other over territory." Still, Belmont Police urged area residents to be extra cautious, keeping pets and small children inside. [KTVU, 1/20/2022]