DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I feel like I have hit the in-law jackpot. His parents are chill and nerdy and I love spending time with them, his brother and sister and their significant others are people I would love to hang out with as friends even if my boyfriend weren’t around, and all the various aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins are awesome people, too. There was one Massive Asshole Relative, but the moment Massive Asshole Relative pulled an asshole move on my boyfriend, everyone else stopped inviting them to family events (BF’s sister even un-invited them from her wedding.) Also, I am a pretty extreme introvert, and probably also autistic, and not only do people not *mind* me ducking out or going for a walk when I get overstimulated, but they also (completely of their own initiative!) started making sure that I get the extra-quiet room and have down time built into our visits. BF really cultivates his relationships with these people, so we spend a lot of time on the phone with them, or traveling to see them, or hanging out.

Anyway, my question for you, Dr. NerdLove– what is my role in all this supposed to look like? I come from a pretty dysfunctional family, where most of my relatives have varying degrees of untreated anxiety, OCD, and/or bipolar disorder, and most of the time it feels like I don’t have relationships with people so much as mental illnesses. Most of the time I have to elide my own needs or even overlook reality in order for these relationships not to completely blow up. My time with his family is completely the opposite. For instance, last week, BF’s dad, who is a Car Dad, let me come up and visit for a few days so we can check out a used car together, and then, once I bought it, going to the car parts store with me and helping me make some minor repairs. We don’t even speak the same language! I’ve learned his language well enough to make small talk but he doesn’t really speak English, and most of the time we figured everything out by, like, pointing at things. I had the nicest time and apparently he was happily telling all of his relatives about this afterwards.

But when it comes to my side of things, I have, like…no script. What am I supposed to do? Just, like, keep showing up and enjoying myself? Bring gifts? Call them occasionally? I know I could help out more, but I spend a lot of time at family events hiding so I don’t get overwhelmed (see above). My boyfriend says that they all really like me, that I am by far their favorite among all the girlfriends/boyfriends he’s had, so I am clearly doing something right, but I keep being afraid there’s some Great and Secret Knowledge that I don’t have that I’m eventually going to run afoul of.

Help?

Car Daughter-In-Law Seeks Car Dad

DEAR CAR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW SEEKS CAR DAD: So your boyfriend’s think you’re great, understand your needs and do their best to accommodate them and treat you like a member of the family? This is what we in the advice business call “a quality problem to have”, CDILSCD.

But I understand your worry; there’s a special curse of seeing people treat you well and focusing on the worry that either it’s going to come to an end or that you’re going to screw it up somehow. There’s no logical reason for it, but that’s the problem. Anxiety doesn’t follow logic. That’s why we call it anxiety.

It sounds to me as though you’ve grown up in a situation where you feel as though you have to “earn” the right to be treated with kindness or consideration – that people won’t love or care for you unless you are useful, rather than just for being you. Running into people who do precisely that – who love you because of who you are – can feel uncomfortable because you’re so unused to it. It’s a little like being a feral cat who’s been brought inside – they want affection and comfort but they’ve spent their lives in a constant state of stress and their nervous system is so keyed up that they can’t accept it.

Yet.

The thing is, those feral cats, once they’ve had enough time, start to realize they can trust the humans who’ve taken them in and can slowly, carefully, start to step down from red alert. It takes time and patience on the part of the humans, but it does happen, especially with consistent care and giving the little beast space to let itself feel safe.

So it is with you. I think, over time, you’ll find that it becomes easier to accept that your boyfriend’s family are just nice and genuinely like you, that there’s nothing to worry about.

But hey, “just wait it out, it’ll be ok” doesn’t do a lot for soothing those nerves. So, what I would suggest is very simple: ease the anxiety, not by being “useful” or “earning” your good treatment, but by returning their kindness and consideration, simply because you care for them, too.

Now, I’d point out that you’ve already shown that you care and that you’ve put in effort towards your relationship with them. The fact that you’ve learned enough of your boyfriend’s father’s language to make small talk? That’s actually pretty damn cool of you, and I really suspect that he’s touched by that. You have been taking steps to bridge a communication gap, which means you care enough to be able to communicate. And to do it unilaterally, without prompting? That conveys that you care enough about your relationship with his family to put in this effort – effort that, from the sounds of things, they would insist that you didn’t need to! That alone is going to earn you a lot of points in their book.

But I’m willing to bet that if you felt there were some things that you could choose to do for them, that would help ease your worry. It would give a greater sense of deliberate effort and agency, something you’ve made a decision to do rather than “well, of course I would do this, because anyone would or should.”

Even if, y’know… a lot of folks wouldn’t or just don’t.

And I think this will feel easier for you if you have some loose guidelines to follow that will give a little structure to the way you can return their kindness.

There’s a paradox in hospitality; the good host wants to ensure that their guest wants for nothing, while the good guest wants to ensure that they need very little, so their host isn’t inconvenienced by their presence. But rather than repress a need, one way to resolve the paradox is an equitable exchange – to ensure that your presence isn’t a burden on your host by taking up something to make their lives a little easier. One of the ways you can be a good guest is to find ways to fit into the family dynamic and routine as best as you can – allowing for your limits and needs. In this case, they’re treating you like family, so how would you be able to contribute as a family member?

If you can, for example, find ways to help out around the house when you’re staying with them, that would almost certainly be appreciated. Helping with daily chores like cleaning or washing dishes can be a small thing, but it’s a way of contributing and giving back. Could you give family members a ride when needed, or go with them on errands? Not only would an extra pair of hands be helpful, but it’s an opportunity to hang out and talk with them in ways you might not be able to if there’s a lot of hustle and bustle going on at home. Knowing that you’ve had a chance to talk and bond at these other times can help ease any worries when you have to dip back to your room for an introvert break and recharge.

Similarly, if there are things that you could do that would be nice for them or that would make life a little easier or more convenient, that would likewise be a kindness in exchange for the kindness they’ve given you. Maybe there are little headaches that you can resolve for them – tech or household issues that you can deal with, for example. Or there may be an opportunity to cook a meal for them and show your affection that way.

I would also recommend opting to spend time with them when and where you can, and get to know them. This doesn’t seem like much – as you’ve said, you would be friends with your boyfriend’s siblings and cousins, even if you weren’t dating him. But simply showing interest in folks, wanting to know more about who they are, what they’re about and what makes them tick? Asking for stories or opinions, wanting to hear about their experiences and histories… these are gifts. The idea of “we love to talk about nothing as much as ourselves” sounds self-centered, but it’s true, and it’s not very often that we encounter people who want to hear what we have to say. So giving them that opportunity is a prize, and a rare one at that. It’s a quiet way of saying “I think you’re interesting and special and I value you,” and I think they would all be touched by it. Even if it’s just a calling to say “hi” or asking if you can say “hello” when your boyfriend calls them will go a long, long way to balancing their generosity towards you… even if it’s not something they see as needing to be balanced.

But I think you should keep in mind is that sometimes the best way to pay someone back when they’re being kind to you is… let them be kind to you. There are a lot of people who simply like being able to do things for people – such as, say, helping you with buying a used car, making those minor repairs and so on. It lets them feel useful and helpful and they enjoy it. Plus, doing things with them is a great way of bonding; shared activities and interests bring people closer. And if your boyfriend’s father feels like he’s had a chance to teach you about some useful things?  That’s going to feel great! It’s like the easiest win-win scenario imaginable; you both come out feeling like you got the better end of the deal. 

But I think one of the best things you could do is simply make sure that they know that you appreciate them and what they’ve done for you. I know “kindness is its own reward” is a cliché and all, but expressing gratitude for that kindness never goes wrong. “You’re doing X, Y and Z for me and I really appreciate it” seems like a small thing but folks do like hearing their effort has been noticed and that it’s helpful. I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t feel pleased to know that they have been able to do a nice and kind thing for another person, especially someone who’s become important to them and their loved ones.

All of which is to say: I don’t think you need to worry, because you’re already doing more than you think. But finding ways to give back, express affection and to let them know you appreciate the effort they’ve made on your behalf will help calm the annoying little anxiety weasels when they start to get rowdy.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a freshman in college and for the first time in my life, I’m in a place where I don’t know anybody besides my roommate. 

I was looking forward to this being an opportunity for me to redefine myself and finally start being someone confident, who’s social and popular and can talk to girls. I was looking forward to having a chance to really make some connections during the early days at freshman mixers, but I chickened out and just stayed on the sidelines instead. 

Later, when I had opportunities to go to parties and meet people there , I did the exact same thing and would just leave early, kicking myself for being too afraid to go up and talk to people.

Now that winter break is over, I want to make up for the mistakes I made and the opportunities I missed last semester, but I’m afraid that I’m going to just have a repeat of last time.

My problem is that I see people standing around in groups, and I don’t know how to join the conversations or how to talk to the girls I want to meet without being obvious or looking like a creep. How do I break into group conversations when I don’t know anyone in them, and how can I chat up girls without everyone else watching or getting in my business? 

Wish I Wasn’t A Wallflower 

DEAR WISH I WASN’T A WALLFLOWER: first things first, WIWAW: the point of parties, especially your freshman mixers is to mix and mingle. Most of you aren’t going to know each other, so it’s expected that strangers are going to join groups and conversations. Your joining a conversation that’s going on isn’t a social faux-pas, it’s the point of these parties. You don’t want to interrupt someone else if they’re talking, but coming up and listening and adding your own thoughts are absolutely normal in those circumstances.

Now that having been said, I understand that groups of people are intimidating. But the secret is: they’re actually a lot easier to handle than people think. In a lot of ways, they’re actually much easier to deal with than trying to talk to two people or one person on their own.

The key, especially if you don’t know them, is to treat the group like an individual; that is, you address the group of people the way you would talk to a single person. If they’re talking about, say, favorite Star Trek episodes, you could say “I couldn’t help but overhear what you were saying; did anyone mention Far Beyond The Stars? Because man, I think that was the best episode of any of the series…” From there, you direct your attention to people in the group as individuals as needed – someone asks a question or makes a comment that you can respond to.

If you don’t have an easy in at first – you don’t know what they’re talking about, but there’s someone in the group you would ultimately like to talk to – then what you want is very simple: address the group and introduce yourself. I’ve found “hey, I’m new on campus and I’m still meeting people and you all seem like you’re really cool, so I wanted to say hi. I’m $YOUR_NAME,” works incredibly well. You can then follow it up with “so, how do you know each other?” which will help you establish the relationships within the group, and give you an opportunity to see who knows who and who is a relative stranger.

At this point, the conversation will almost certainly start to take on a life of its own as folks either bring up how they met, or other topics come up organically. During this, when you’re talking with people, make sure that you’re spreading your attention around, addressing more than just the one hottie you’re hoping to chat with. As the conversation progresses and you become part of the group, it’ll be easier to start directing more of your attention to the person you’re into.

Now, if things are going well and they seem to enjoy talking to you, it’s fairly simple to just start talking to them. The thing about talking to groups is that it’s very difficult for folks to maintain a conversation with more than three people; any group larger than that tends to split in a 3:2 ratio. Unless one person is just holding court, this is almost certainly going to happen on its own.

However, if it hasn’t, then starting a side conversation with the person you’re looking to flirt with is fairly easy, and it’s an effective way of triggering that 3:2 split if it hasn’t happened yet. A callback to something they had said earlier or bringing up a topic that seems to be relevant to their interests is an easy and organic-feeling way of starting your conversation with her. It doesn’t need to be an elaborate setup or segue; all you really need is something as simple as “You said you were into $TOPIC, yeah? Check this out…”

At that point, you two are now chatting and the others are going to be having their conversations and they’re unlikely to be paying attention to you two. You can even use body language to create a sort of faux-privacy by turning to face the person you’re wanting to meet and turning your back to the rest of the group. This creates the feeling of separating off from the bunch and creating your own little space. And if the two of you are really vibing, the group is likely to move on without the two of you, giving you both room to chat without having to go anywhere.

There’s more you can do in terms of getting space or moving around the room to talk without being around the initial group, but for now, just getting comfortable talking to people – especially when folks seem clustered up – will go a long, long way to making it easier for you to meet people, make friends and possibly spark a little something special.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just lost my virginity, and I can’t stop thinking about how badly I might have screwed it up.

A casual female friend of mine and I to talking at a party, and then somehow we started making out, before ending up back at her dorm and we ended up in bed together. Now I feel weird because I felt good about losing my virginity, but I feel like I was an awkward mess who just made everything uncomfortable. 

When we started, I was amazed and excited that everything was happening, but then I got stuck in my head about not knowing what I was doing. I was really nervous and I feel like I was just fumbling around. I finished, but it was very quick and soon I felt bad that I popped so fast. I honestly don’t think it was enjoyable for her, and now I keep replaying everything I did wrong. Looking back I think I didn’t feel confident, I didn’t really know what I was doing, and I was so in my head that I’m not sure I was paying any attention to her or what I was doing, but I also don’t know if that’s the case or if this is about how I feel now.

Afterwards, instead of just being normal, I got weird. I asked her why she decided to sleep with me, which sounded insecure and pathetic even as it was coming out of my mouth. I don’t know what I was expecting her to say, but it clearly wasn’t a good question. She explained that the making out was nice and she knew that I was a virgin, and while she wasn’t mean, things felt awkward and off in a way that made my stomach drop. I felt like I should go instead of sticking around, so I made an excuse about needing to get to an early class and left. 

Now I’m stuck with this horrible feeling that I made her uncomfortable — during the sex, after it, all of it — and that she probably regrets sleeping with me. I feel embarrassed, inexperienced, and like I exposed parts of myself I didn’t mean to. I can’t tell if I crossed some line emotionally or if I’m just spiraling because this was my first time and I had no idea what to expect. 

Now I’m an absolute mess. I don’t know whether I should apologize, reach out, or just leave her alone so I don’t make it worse. Mostly I feel stupid and ashamed, and worried that I turned what should have been a normal, imperfect first experience into something she now wants to forget.

Did I mess this up beyond repair, or is this just what an awkward first time feels like?

— Can’t Stop Replaying It

DEAR CAN’T STOP REPLAYING IT: Hey, I understand how uncomfortable this all can be, CSRI. On the one hand, you did something you really wanted to do, but on the other hand, you are having a hard time feeling good about it because you feel like you made a mess out of things. So now you’re dealing both with not being sure how to feel about yourself and worrying that you made your friend feel uncomfortable or even used, and that, in turn, is making you feel worse about yourself.

So, I’ll talk about the awkwardness and the why of it all, but let’s do the immediately important stuff up top. I think a big question is: do you regret having had sex, having had sex with her specifically, or is this ultimately about making things bad for her?

Based on what you’ve said, it sounds more like the latter – that you’re having messy and complicated feelings because of how you made her feel. It sounds like – and maybe I’m off base here, you’ll have to tell me – that this was something you wanted but the level of self-consciousness got in the way. Now it seems like your worries about your, er, performance, in bed and after, are retroactively coloring your memories. That’s leading to a lot of complicated and messy feelings and worrying that what you did made things bad or unpleasant for someone you like, and this makes you a bad person.

If that’s the case, then I have good news: you’re not a bad person and this is something you can recover from. The important thing is very simple: don’t let things linger and go unsaid. The longer you let things go without addressing them, the more the awkwardness and discomfort has a chance to build. If there’re misunderstandings or miscommunications, not addressing them leaves room for those misunderstandings to grow. Nature abhors a vacuum, and things will rush to fill that empty space. When the vacuum are the things going unsaid, what often fills that space are other people’s assumptions… and those often get filtered through the negativity bias we all have.

The good news is that addressing the awkward destroys the awkward. So, here’s what you need to do: text your friend and tell her you want to apologize for getting weird after you two hooked up. Generally, I’d recommend telling her that you want to apologize in person, but if you’re worried that you wouldn’t be able to get the words out, or that you’d say the wrong things in the moment, you can do it over text.

The goal here is to help her understand what happened afterward.  This was about you, not anything that she did. You got in your own head about it being your first time, that you feel weird and embarrassed about not being good in bed and worrying that she had a bad experience with you. Let her know that you are grateful and appreciative, and that you feel bad because you didn’t want this to be a bad experience for her, that you were worried that she regretted everything and you were only making things worse. You understand that leaving as abruptly as you did was the wrong call; you let your fear that she thought she had made a mistake and that were making things awkward get out of hand and, as a result, you made things more awkward.

Let her know you are sorry for how you behaved after, and that you would like to make it up to her. Then the ball is in her court. She’ll undoubtedly have things to say about it, and you should let her have her say without complaint or comment…  but I suspect that it’s not nearly as bad as you think. I suspect that, once you talk things through with her and work things out, things won’t be nearly as bad as it feels now. You’ll still feel like “I could have handled things much better than that,” but it won’t be “I am the worst person in the world and should never talk to anyone ever again.”

Now, that being said: I think a lot of your angst here comes down to the spontaneousness of how it all happened. I think if you and she hadn’t just gone straight from making out at the party to sex at her place, the experience would’ve been different. You mention that she knew it was your first time, so clearly, she knew you were a virgin, but it doesn’t seem like you two talked about what it might mean. From what you’ve described, it sounds like she knew that this was going to be more for you, than for her. That doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t enjoy things; good sex is as much of the mind as in the body. While maybe the actual intercourse wasn’t going to be the best she ever had, many times the things around having sex with someone are what makes sex good. If she was someone who liked being someone’s first – which it sounds like she told you – then the knowledge that she was your first can be incredibly satisfying.

The problem is that if she didn’t say something along the lines of “don’t worry about me, let’s do this for you”, or if she hadn’t set your expectation that it would be ok for this to be all about you… yeah, I can understand why you would worry that you’re making it a less-than-enjoyable experience for her. If the two of you were caught up in the moment and didn’t stop to talk first, or you thought she didn’t know you were a virgin or that she had expectations too, then I can understand how you’d get lost in your head about it all.

I think if you’d talked about it a bit beforehand, you also wouldn’t be feeling so anxious when the glow of your first partnered orgasm faded and the post-nut clarity was kicking in. You’d be a lot more relaxed and able to enjoy the afterglow, and the odds of making things awkward would’ve been lower. Not necessarily zero… but much lower. And the awkwardness itself would be less crushing and more just mildly embarrassing and easily dismissed.

But here’s the thing: being horny tends to focus the mind on relieving your horniness; freeing up the bandwidth after means that all the things you were pointedly not thinking about come rushing back in. And if you were already having moments of “oh no, not yet, not so fast” as you were approaching the moment of orgasmic inevitability, then it’s really no surprise that your anxieties or worries suddenly kicked into gear. The anxieties you felt were as much about self-awareness and the feeling that the other person has expectations that you “knew” you couldn’t match.

(That’s not necessarily true; being a virgin doesn’t mean sex with you won’t be a good experience for them, but that’s a different subject for another time.)

This is why even a quick discussion would’ve helped; you wouldn’t have felt as much of a failure or that you were a bad lay if you knew that it was all ok. That this was so you could punch your v-card, rather than her expecting you to be Studly Goodnight.

So, after you’ve talked things out and cleared the air with your friend, my advice for you going forward is simple: slow your roll. This isn’t the last time you’re going to have sex, and the next time you do have the opportunity, you’ll benefit immensely from taking things at a more measured pace. When opportunities do arise, it’s worth taking a moment to say “here’s what I’m into, here’s what I like, how about you?” You also want to take time to focus on the holistic act, rather than just focusing on getting to PIV time. Making out more, doing more foreplay, more oral, more touching… all of this is going to make sex better and more enjoyable for both of you. It’ll also mean that if and when you do move to penetration, you won’t feel as frantic or rushed, and so you can be less in your head, more in the moment and more aware of your partner. Paying attention to them – before, during and after – will make sex so much better for the both of you. You’ll have already established a firm foundation of pleasure; this is simply building on it, rather than making it the goal.

So apologize to your friend and clear the air. That’ll help you both feel better now, so that next time you won’t be as lost in your own world and rapidly running out of oxygen.  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com