-- Limestone County Sheriff Mike Blakely is on trial in Athens, Alabama, facing 11 counts of theft and ethics charges related to his job. On March 6, Blakely went to the hospital, where his lawyers told the court he was being tested for COVID-19, the disease associated with coronavirus. But in a special hearing on March 7, Dr. Maria Onoya told Judge Pride Tompkins that while Blakely was indeed admitted to the hospital, and received multiple tests, none of them was for COVID-19. In fact, she said there was no evidence to suggest he should be tested for it, The News Courier reported. Judge Tompkins ended the hearing with harsh words for Blakely's defense team: "I don't know what your tactic is, but it's condemned by the court," he said. He went on to note that he was "very disturbed" by the defense's mention of COVID-19 in the motion to continue, calling it irresponsible, reckless and unfair to the community. [The News Courier, 3/7/2020]

-- Meanwhile, in Queensland, Australia, people are panicking about running out of toilet paper during the coronavirus pandemic. Which makes Haidee Janetzki of Toowoomba extra popular, after she made an error in her regular online TP order with Who Gives a Crap. "When it asked for quantity, I put 48," she told 7News, "thinking that would be a box of 48 (rolls). Turned out it was 48 boxes." At first she thought it was the online retailer's fault -- until she checked her credit card, which showed an expense of $3,260 plus almost $400 shipping. Janetzki is selling the hot commodity to friends at a slight markup, hoping to raise money to send her kids on a school trip to Canberra. She's now known Down Under as the Queen of the Toilet Paper. [7News, 3/5/2020]

-- Two state attorneys general and the Food and Drug Administration are cracking down on disgraced televangelist Jim Bakker, who is now the host of "The Jim Bakker Show" on cable TV. The New York attorney general's office on March 3 sent a cease-and-desist order to Bakker, and on March 10, the Missouri attorney general filed suit against him. At issue is Bakker's hawking of "Silver Solution," a "medication" made from silver that supposedly cures all sorts of ailments, for use in treating COVID-19. On Feb. 12, The Washington Post reported, Bakker asked a guest on his show whether the gel could cure the coronavirus. "It hasn't been tested on this strain of the coronavirus, but it's been tested on other strains of the coronavirus, and has been able to eliminate it within 12 hours," said "naturopathic doctor" Sherrill Sellman. In the letter, the "extremely concerned" Lisa Landau, chief of the attorney general's health care bureau, called the segment false advertising and said it violates New York law. She gave Bakker 10 days to comply. [The Washington Post, 3/5/2020]

-- A man in Vilnius, Lithuania, with help from his sons, reportedly locked his wife in their bathroom after she expressed worry to him that she had contracted COVID-19 from traveling to Italy, where she came in contact with some Chinese people. The husband called a doctor, who suggested she isolate herself; she contacted police because her husband wouldn't let her out. It's unclear how long she was locked in the bathroom, but Delfi.lt reported that she was tested for the virus and did not have it. [Delfi.lt, 2/28/2020]

-- The U.S. State Department has advised people, particularly older adults, to avoid cruise ships and air travel during the coronavirus onslaught. But some travelers just can't be dissuaded. Take, for example, Ben Stults, a sophomore at Florida State University, who will head out on a cruise to Mexico this week for spring break. He's hoping to "hit the sweet spot" -- get there and get home before the virus takes hold in Mexico. To be safe, however, he's bringing along a respirator face mask and a deck of cards in case, you know, quarantine. The Daily Beast asked Stults if he thought his plan was a sound one, to which he replied, "Honestly, no." [Daily Beast, 3/10/2020]

Animal Antics

Firefighters were called to a farm near Bramham, Leeds, in England on March 7 to put out a fire in a large pigpen. At this particular farm, the pigs wear pedometers to prove that they're free-range, Fox News reported, but one of those gadgets was the probable cause of the blaze, firefighters said. They theorize that one of the pigs ate one of the pedometers, then passed it in its excrement, sparking a fire in the pen's hay. The culprit was the copper in the battery reacting with the pig poo. No pigs were hurt in the fire; let's hope they're getting all their steps in as usual. [Fox News, 3/9/2020]

The Continuing Crisis

A Polish tattooist known only as Piotr A. has pleaded not guilty to causing blindness in model Aleksandra Sadowska, 25, from Wroclaw, Poland. Sadowska engaged the artist to dye her eyeballs black in 2016. Following the procedure, she had pain in her eyes, which the tattooist said could be treated with painkillers. But she lost sight first in her right eye, and doctors told her there was nothing they could do to prevent the same fate for her left eye. "There is clear evidence that the tattoo artist did not know how to perform such a delicate procedure," Sadowska's lawyers said, according to the Daily Mail. "And yet he decided to perform it, which led to this tragedy." As he awaits his trial, the tattooist continues to run his salon in Warsaw, where he mainly pierces ears. [Daily Mail, 2/27/2020]

Crime Report

On Feb. 28, fourth-grade teacher Nancy Sweeney, 45, was arrested in Niles, Illinois, for assaulting a neighbor and calling her "a (expletive) Nazi." According to the Chicago Tribune, Sweeney attacked the 87-year-old woman, who is of German descent, in the parking garage of their condominium building, where the woman was exercising. The victim was struck in the face with a purse and fell, suffering cuts and bruises. The Cook County state's attorney's office approved not only an aggravated battery charge, but also a hate crime charge, based on the Nazi reference. The Park Ridge-Niles school district placed Sweeney on paid leave on March 4 upon learning of the charges, district spokesman Peter Gill said. [Chicago Tribune, 3/10/2020]

Resourceful

Professor Peter Davies, 70, is an expert in tuberculosis at the Liverpool Heart and Chest Hospital in England -- and a lay leader of the Church of England. He admittedly also has a porn addiction, which caught up with him in late 2018, when it was discovered that Davies had been engaging in "inappropriate browsing activity" on his work computer -- including viewing someone having sex with a horse and a dog. According to Metro News, Davies told the Medical Practitioners' Tribunal Service: "In 2010 I made a confession to my wife. ... She put a filter on all my computers ... I had some counseling and I stopped for a period of two years. ... But when I came back to it, I realized that I was in really deep trouble." Davies was scheduled to go before the General Medical Council on March 11, which conceded that Davies had "shown insight and took some steps to remedy his conduct." [Metro News, 3/11/2020]

For two whole years, Caelie Wilkes nurtured a lovely green succulent in her kitchen window. She watered it, wiped dust off its leaves, and forbade anyone else from caring for it. "It was full, beautiful coloring, just an overall perfect plant," Wilkes wrote in a Facebook post from Feb. 28. Recently, Upworthy reported, she decided it was time to transplant it into a pretty new pot. So imagine her dismay when she pulled up the succulent and realized it was plastic, rooted in Styrofoam with sand glued to the top. "How did I not know this?" she wondered. "I feel like these last two years have been a lie." Wilkes suffered some ridicule on social media, but her local Home Depot reached out with some real, living succulents that Wilkes can shower with love and attention. [Upworthy, 3/4/2020]

Bright Idea

An innovative jewel thief in Melbourne, Australia, was caught on camera using a fishing rod to burgle a Versace necklace from a store window on Feb. 24. ABC News reports the thief carefully broke a hole in the window to avoid setting off the alarm, then spent almost three hours trying to hook the costume jewelry necklace, worth about $800. He worked with two different-sized rods before finally snagging the necklace. Store owner Steven Adigrati called the heist "outrageous and courageous," although he suspected the thief was unaware that the piece was relatively inexpensive. "This particular necklace looks a lot more expensive than what it is ... gold, bright, iconic Medusa head," he explained. Police are still searching for the fisherman. [ABC News, 3/3/2020]

The Litigious Society

Chuck E. Cheese may be "where a kid can be a kid," but for one Portland, Oregon, patron, it's where a woman can get her long hair caught in a ticket machine. Ashreana Scott is suing Chuck E. Cheese's parent company for $1,000 after alleging her hair was tangled for 20 minutes in a machine that counts tickets for prize redemption, The Oregonian reported. In the lawsuit, Scott said the Dec. 8 incident caused injuries, discomfort and headaches, and she wants a jury trial and a sign posted near the machine to warn others. A manager at the restaurant declined to comment on the lawsuit, but said the machines already have warning signs. [Oregonian, 3/2/2020]

The Foreign Press

The ancient legend about St. Patrick driving Ireland's snakes into the sea could only be salt in the wound of a 22-year-old man from Dublin, who appears to be the first person in Ireland to suffer a venomous snake bite, The Irish Post reported on Feb. 29. The man's pet puff adder bit him, prompting a visit to Connolly Hospital, where doctors consulted with experts from the National Reptile Zoo. James Hennessy, zoo director, explained that "puff adder venom is pretty nasty. It's going to start digesting and disintegrating all around the area of the bite, and that will continue up the limb as well. It will then cause massive internal issues as well, if not treated." (FYI, scientists say it was probably the Ice Age that kept snakes out of Ireland.) [The Irish Post, 2/29/2020]

A Dream Come True

Residents of Settecani, a small village in Italy, were startled on March 4 when their kitchen and bathroom taps began dispensing red wine rather than water, United Press International reported. Locals quickly identified the wine as Lambrusco Grasparossa, which is produced at a nearby winery, and officials there found a leak that sent wine from a silo into water pipes. Some quick-thinking residents said they bottled as much of the tap wine as they could before the problem was resolved. [United Press International, 3/5/2020]

Awesome!

-- Ohio college student Mendl Weinstock, 21, kidded his sister, Riva, five years ago that when she gets married, he will bring a llama to the wedding as his plus-one. So when Riva tied the knot on March 1, Mendl made good on his promise, showing up with a rented llama named Shockey, wearing a custom-made tuxedo. Riva was unamused, but conceded to CNN: "When my brother puts his mind to something, he gets it done." Mendl spent $400 to rent the llama but said it was worth every penny. Shockey spent about 30 minutes taking photos with amused guests outside the venue, but friends who were in on the joke seated two inflatable llamas at one of the tables inside. Riva said she'll get her revenge: "He should sleep with one eye open." [CNN, 3/4/2020]

-- Keith Redl of Dawson Creek, British Columbia, was more than a little annoyed when the prize his 8-year-old grandson won in a raffle turned out to be $200 worth of cannabis products and accessories: chocolate edibles, vanilla chai and other products, along with a pipe and lighter. At a fundraiser for youth hockey in early March, Redl told CTV, the boy's father had given him $10 worth of tickets to bid on whichever prizes he liked. The little boy thought he was bidding on chocolate. "My grandson thought he had won a great prize," Redl said, but when he was told he couldn't have any of it, "He was mad ... How do you explain that to a kid?" [CTV, 3/2/2020]

EW EW EW!

A mother in Saint-Malo, France, filed a complaint with police on Feb. 25 against Danone, the manufacturer of powdered baby formula. Police told AFP the woman's 3-month-old daughter became ill in November with a high temperature, and the mother took her to the emergency room. "Several days later," authorities said, "[the baby] vomited a worm about 6 to 7 centimeters long" -- about the length of an adult index finger. In the report, the mother said the worm had been examined at a hospital and was determined to be of a parasitic type. She decided to take action after learning of two other cases, one in central France where living larvae were found in a container of the same brand of formula. A spokesperson from Danone told a news conference that without the containers, "several hypotheses could explain the presence of an insect," but the formula is never exposed to air in its production chain. [AFP, 2/26/2020]

Latest Religious Messages

Self-described Christian prophet Cindy Jacobs declared the coronavirus against the law on March 4: "We say, in the name of Jesus, 'Virus, you are illegal. This is God's Earth.'" Dead State reported that Jacobs went on to tell an enthusiastic group of supporters, "I don't know if everybody will get healed," but "We're going to decree that the coronavirus will cease worldwide." [Dead State, 3/5/2020]

A rider on the New York City subway employed a novel way of protecting his personal space on Feb. 7, Fox News reported. The seated passenger removed a bottle of ketchup from his bag and squirted a squiggly perimeter on the floor around his seat, apparently hoping to keep fellow straphangers away. Twitter erupted with funny comments after one user posted a photo: "Gotta protect yourself from the mustard demons they can't cross the barrier" and "What brand of ketchup though?" New York City Transit got a taste of the problem and promised to clean it up right away. [Fox News, 2/8/2020]

The Litigious Society

Lacie the Norwegian Forest cat is at the center of a heated two-year dispute in Brewerton, New York, that has now gone to state Supreme Court. Original owner Carol Money accuses adoptive owner Danette Romano of refusing to let Lacie sleep in bed with her, a key provision that Money says was in the adoption agreement both parties signed in April 2018. Syracuse.com reported that according to the lawsuit, Money regularly visited Lacie in her new home after the adoption and found the cat to be skittish and fearful, and became very upset after Romano's husband allegedly admitted, "We don't let Lacie sleep with us." By Dec. 20, tensions had increased to the point that Romano complained to the Onondaga County Sheriff's office and had her lawyer send Money a letter ordering her to stop contacting Romano. Money's lawsuit accuses Romano of breach of contract and lying about her intention to let Lacie sleep in her bed, and demands the return of the cat. [Syracuse.com, 12/30/2019]

Unclear on the Concept

In a report published on Feb. 18, the South Florida Sun Sentinel reveals school districts struggling to comply with the state's requirement that every school have "a good guy with a gun" are challenged to find enough qualified applicants. Among recent hiccups: Near Orlando, a safe-school officer sent her husband a nude video she recorded in a school bathroom while on her lunch break. In Hillsborough County, a school guardian thought her gun was unloaded when she shot through a mirror as she practiced in front of it for her firearms certification. Another officer pawned his service weapon and ballistic vest; his supervisor discovered he was carrying a pellet gun in his holster. Bob Gualtieri, sheriff in Pinellas County, remarked: "The reality is there is no perfect in the world." [South Florida Sun Sentinel, 2/18/2020]

The Entrepreneurial Spirit

The Spanish Civil Guard raided an underground cigarette factory on Feb. 13 and 14 in the southern province of Malaga and found a facility with a complete production line capable of producing 3,500 cigarettes an hour as well as beds and living quarters for the workers, the Associated Press reported. Access to the plant, located 13 feet under a horse stable, was disguised by a cargo container. Twenty people, from the U.K., Ukraine and Lithuania, were arrested, said police, and more than 3 million cigarettes, some hashish and marijuana, as well as weapons, were seized. [Associated Press, 2/20/2020]

Clever

Vincent Putrino, captain of the cross-country/track and field team at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, New York, and his teammates, craved Chick-fil-A for lunch on Feb. 22, but the only location closer than an hour and a half away was at the Albany International Airport -- beyond the security checkpoint. So, reported News10, the 18 teammates pooled their money (about $5.50 each), bought a one-way ticket to Fort Lauderdale, Florida ($98, the cheapest they could find), and sent Putrino in to collect the bounty. Putrino purchased $227 worth of food, then left the airport and joined his teammates for their midday meal. [News10, 2/23/2020]

Old Story, New Twist

An Oklahoma City homeowner hearing noises in his attic suspected squirrels might have gotten in, but when he went to inspect, he found instead ... a man, lying on a mattress. KOCO News reported on Feb. 28 the unnamed homeowner called 911 and reported a “stranger in my house. ... I have a gun on him right now.” Police responding to the call told reporters "there was actually somebody that appeared to have taken up residence in (the) attic," and the home has a staircase “that goes up the side of the house with attic access.” The homeowner escorted the squatter at gunpoint to the driveway, where officers were waiting. [KOCO, 2/18/2020]

Oops!

Dylan Bryant found more adventure than he expected on Feb. 23 as he explored a bayou in southwest Houston. Bryant told KTRK his exploration took him about 100 yards down a sewer line before he became trapped. "I can't go back because of how I had to scooch through," Bryant said. "I'm in the middle of raw, open sewage in this little bitty box." From under the street, Bryant yelled for help and a man heard him, then asked a passerby to call 911. Firefighters arrived and pulled Bryant out of his smelly predicament. [KTRK, 2/24/2020]

It's a Mystery

The Smith family of Lockport, Illinois, has a perplexing extra feature in their house that has occasionally kept the family up at night for about six years: "There are voices in the wall, and I don't know what it is," 9-year-old Brianna Smith told WLS. Music and talk radio emanate from the walls in Brianna's room in the middle of the night, but the family can't figure out why. There are no speakers in the walls, Brianna's father, Richard, said, and attempts by police to uncover the source were unsuccessful. The Federal Communications Commission couldn't help either. Richard Smith believes something in the wall is receiving a signal from one of the six radio towers near the home, but an engineer sent to the home from one of the stations told him: "I got to be honest with you, I don't know what is acting as a speaker." The Smiths have been advised to hire an engineer to pinpoint the signal and block it, but in the meantime, Brianna falls asleep in her parents' room. [WLS, 2/21/2020]

Anger Management

Ypsilanti, Michigan, police were called to an apartment complex on Jan. 16, where they found a 23-year-old man smoking a cigarette and pressing a bloody towel to his side, MLive reported. The man told officers his partner, 28-year-old Neil Patrick Wasinski, known as Nalla and referred to as "she" in court records, attacked him with a 21-inch samurai sword because he didn't buy her any marijuana. The attack resulted in multiple stab wounds to the man's arm and torso, and one of his lungs collapsed, according to police. Tracked down at her apartment, Wasinski told police to "please go away" and later claimed to have no memory of the incident. Police found a blood-stained 21-inch katana on Wasinski's bedroom floor, according to their report, and she was charged with assault and resisting arrest. [MLive, 2/25/2020]