Matthew Davies, 47, of Dunfermline, Scotland, pleaded guilty on Jan. 17 to assault and robbery in the case of a bumbling Bank of Scotland holdup in September, the Daily Record reported. On that day, Davies charged into the bank with a meat cleaver in hand and a pillowcase over his head. Unfortunately, he had neglected to cut eyeholes in the pillowcase and therefore couldn't see -- so he had to take it off. Undeterred, Davies used the cleaver to batter a glass partition on the counter and eventually took off with almost 2,000 pounds, casually wandering toward home, even stopping to pet a dog along the way. One brave customer of the bank followed Davies to his home and alerted police; there they found cash and the pillowcase, along with a stun gun. He'll be sentenced in February. [Daily Record, 1/18/2020]

Police Report

Antoine McDonald, 21, of Altamonte Springs, Florida, became famous last year for dressing up as the Easter Bunny in Orlando, but he found his costume unhelpful on Jan. 16 after ramming his motorcycle into a carport, which collapsed on a car parked there, according to the Florida Highway Patrol. The motorcycle then hit a fence and flipped over, and a neighbor observed the Easter Bunny limping away from the scene. When officers caught up with McDonald, lying in the back ßseat of a car, he denied involvement in the crash: "I wasn't in any crash. I'm the Orlando Easter Bunny. Google it," he claimed. "The bunny appeared to be alive," officers reported, according to the Orlando Sentinel, and they asked him to remove the costume before arresting him and transporting him to the hospital for rib and leg injuries sustained in the crash. [Orlando Sentinel, 1/24/2020]

People With Issues

-- A mystery was solved on Jan. 22 in Natick, Massachusetts, when police arrested Andrea F. Grocer, 51, of Ashland, on suspicion of defecating in front of the Natick Outdoor Store eight times over the last four months. Henry Kanner, the store's owner, had reported the incidents to police in December, and officers first thought an animal might be the culprit -- until they found "toilet paper and other wipes," Natick police spokesperson Lt. Cara Rossi told The MetroWest Daily News. Some of the incidents had been recorded by surveillance video, but police hadn't been able to identify a license plate. During extra patrols of the parking lot, they spotted Grocer at 6:51 a.m. as she prepared to leave her mark again, police said. "I have no idea who she is," Kanner said, adding that he knows of no connection she has with the store. Grocer's lawyer described her as a "pillar of the community." [MetroWest Daily News, 1/22/2020]

-- Now-retired high school English teacher Jeffrey S. Churchwell, 60, of Elkhorn, Wisconsin, apologized to Walworth County Sheriff's deputies in October and admitted that he had been defecating, sometimes several times a day, since 2017 outside and on a building in the rural Natureland Park in Whitewater. The Milton Courier reported Brent Brooks of the Walworth County Highway Shop met with deputies in October about the repeated offenses, which required parks department workers to power-wash and sometimes repaint facilities, on top of picking up used toilet paper. Trail cameras recorded the man relieving himself, and deputies caught up with Churchwell on Oct. 8. When asked why, he replied, "Stupidity," according to sheriff's office reports. Churchwell was charged with disorderly conduct and was ordered to pay more than $6,000 in fines and restitution. He was put on leave from the Milton School District on Nov. 25; his retirement took effect Jan. 16. [Milton Courier, 1/2/2020]

Unclear on the Concept

United Press International reported that an unnamed man in Orlando, Florida, got a little mixed up as he tried to fill his boat's gas tank before a fishing trip on Jan. 27. Rather than putting the gas nozzle into the fuel tank, the man inserted it into a fishing pole holder and pumped 30 gallons of gas directly into the cockpit. Orange County Fire Rescue was called to the 7-Eleven, and a hazmat team siphoned most of the errant gas from the boat before the fisherman filled up the actual tank and went on his way. [UPI, 1/28/2020]

Oops!

In June 2019, the city of Roubaix, France, proudly announced it had installed 187 solar panels to generate electricity for the city's library, and paid a local company about $113,000 for the "green" equipment. But during the installation of a wind turbine to supplement the clean energy effort in December, workers noticed the solar panels had never been connected to the library's electrical network. Oddity Central reported the panels were intended to supply about a quarter of the library's needed power, but "we realized this was not the case," admitted Alexandre Garcin, the city's deputy mayor, who did not elaborate on why it took six months to figure out the oversight. [Oddity Central, 1/29/2020]

Creepy

Houston mother Emily Madonia's nightmare began in 2015, when the Elsa (from "Frozen") doll her daughter received for Christmas 2013 began reciting lines from the movie in both English and Spanish; originally it had only spoken English. Next, the doll began speaking and singing randomly, even when her on/off switch was in the OFF position. In December 2019, Madonia threw the doll out, Click2Houston reported, but she and her husband later found the doll in a bench inside their home. So they double wrapped the doll in plastic bags and "put it in the bottom of our garbage can," Madonia wrote on Facebook. Days later, her daughter found the doll again in the backyard. Finally, Madonia sent the doll to a friend who lives in Minnesota, where it remained at press time. In the meantime, Madonia has been contacted by paranormal investigators and the Travel Channel. [Click2Houston, 1/18/2020]

Suspicions Confirmed. Not.

Ben Lilly, 40, on his way to Halifax in West Yorkshire, England, on Jan. 25 passed an object in the road that looked like a dead animal -- a leopard, to be specific. Lilly stopped and turned around, carefully approaching the large cat. He told Metro News his heart was racing and he was afraid his face might be "ripped off" by the beast. "I saw the markings on it. It had the tail bit on it, too," Lilly said. "But as soon as I looked at it from the other angle, I started laughing." It turned out to be a leopard-print jumpsuit, complete with tail. Lilly speculated on Facebook it might be "some tart's coat from last night. ... It was Saturday morning and Halifax is a bit of a drinking town." [Metro News, 1/30/2020]

-- Officers of the North Wales (England) Police believe they have solved, with help from the government Animal and Plant Health Agency, the mystery of why more than 200 starlings were found dead in a road in Bodedern on Dec. 10. Rob Taylor of the police force's rural crime team revealed that the birds suffered severe internal trauma, "support(ing) the case that the birds died from impact with the road," he told Sky News. "It's highly likely the murmuration took avoiding action whilst airborne, from possibly a bird of prey, with the rear of the group not pulling up in time and striking the ground." [Sky News, 1/16/2020]

-- In the western German city of Kleve, a regional court in mid-January overruled a lower court and awarded the owner of a chicken mauled by a dog higher restitution because the chicken had TV experience. Sieglinde the chicken, who died in the attack, had completed 10 hours of acting training and had appeared in at least one German movie, for which she received a three-figure daily fee. The court ordered the dog's owner to pay 615 euros (about $680) in damages, the Associated Press reported. A regular chicken is worth about 15 euros. [Associated Press, 1/17/2020]

Weird Science

On Jan. 22, the National Weather Service expanded its cold-weather warnings in South Florida to include falling iguanas along with falling temperatures. According to the Associated Press, the NWS alerted folks that the reptiles can become stunned by the cold and fall from their perches in trees. As temperatures rise during the day, they wake up, unharmed. Males can grow to 5 feet long and weigh 20 pounds. They aren't considered to be dangerous to humans (unless they land on your head). [Associated Press, 1/22/2020]

Animal Farm

A Polish pig farmer in his 70s who had been missing since Dec. 31 is believed to have been eaten by his livestock, Fox News reported. Lubin District Prosecutor Magdalena Serafin told local media the farmer's remains, consisting of bones and skull fragments, were found by a neighbor, who called police after spotting the bones while fetching water from a nearby well on Jan. 8. The farmer's animals were roaming freely in the yard, and officials indicated it was clear that the pigs had feasted on him. They suspect he died of a fall or heart attack. [Fox News, 1/17/2020]

Extreme Measures

An unnamed 55-year-old man from the town of Pitalito, Colombia, got cold feet before his scheduled marriage over the weekend of Jan. 18, but lacked the courage to tell his fiancee. Instead, with the help of his best friends, he faked his own kidnapping, reported Oddity Central. The groom's pals told authorities they had seen a group of armed men on motorcycles abduct their friend, and because kidnappings for extortion are not unknown in Colombia, the local police responded in force. Police Commander Nestor Vargas ordered roads closed, sealing off the town, and began a search. That's when the friends got nervous and admitted they'd made the whole thing up. Authorities kept the groom's identity a secret to protect him from other townspeople, who've been down this road before: This is the second time the groom has left a bride waiting at the altar. He and his cohorts will likely face jail time of up to six years. [Oddity Central, 1/21/2020]

Oops!

-- In Toronto, the streetcar tunnel into Queen Quay Station is protected by an automatic gate, rumble strips, flashing lights and signs warning automobile drivers not to enter. But at 2 a.m. on Jan. 22, one driver managed to ignore or overlook all the warnings, driving his car about 600 meters through the tunnel before arriving at Union Station and becoming stuck on a concrete block, the CBC reported. "We're sort of hard-pressed to think of any other measures we can take at this point" to deter drivers, a spokesman for the Toronto Transit Commission said, "short of closing the tunnel, and that's not an option." [CBC, 1/22/2020]

-- It's been unseasonably cold in Florida (see Falling Iguanas item above), and one St. Petersburg man apparently became so desperate for warmth on Jan. 21 he set fire to a stack of paperwork in his apartment around 3 a.m. WFLA reported that the flames Mark Okrent, 66, ignited were significant enough to trigger smoke detectors, which summoned the fire department, but no one in the 30-unit building was hurt in the incident. Except Okrent, who was charged with first-degree arson. [WFLA, 1/23/2020]

News That Sounds Like a Joke

If you've always thought those nail clippers in your kitchen drawer were a harmless tool, think again. Kathleen Ayala, 30, has been charged with murder in Cumberland County, New Jersey, following an altercation with her husband on Jan. 12, the Associated Press reported. Authorities said Ayala, of Millville, and 35-year-old Axel Torres got into an argument in their home that became physical, and Torres left the premises. Ayala chased after him and stabbed him numerous times with the nail file tool on the clippers, causing wounds to his feet, hands, shoulders and left leg. When police arrived, they found Torres unresponsive and transported him to the hospital, where he died the next morning. [AP via WABC, 1/14/2020]

The Last Straw

After numerous complaints going back six months, according to a neighbor, Robert Wayne Miller, 57, was arrested at his home Zephyrhills, Florida, home on Dec. 22 for disturbing the peace with his lawn mower. Body-camera footage obtained by WFLA shows Pasco County Deputy Michael O'Donnell arriving at Miller's property and calling out to him, followed by a revving of the mower's engine. "I've had four people come out and tell me that they can't take it anymore," O'Donnell told Miller, who responded, "Whatever," before turning on the mower again. Dwaine White, who lives across the street, told The Washington Post the mower isn't even capable of cutting grass. "He'll run that tractor all night, and it echoes all over the neighborhood," White said. Miller was ultimately arrested for disturbing the peace and not complying with a law enforcement officer's command. If convicted, he could spend 18 months in jail and pay a $1,500 fine. [The Washington Post, 12/27/2019]

Awesome!

Downtown Winston-Salem, North Carolina, is a little safer these days, thanks to the efforts of Night Watch, a helpful vigilante dressed in all black, with his face partially covered and wearing reflective goggles, WGHP reported on Jan. 22. "I'm not looking to be a Batman and go around beating up criminals," he told a reporter. Instead, he's an anonymous superhero who's been patrolling the nighttime streets for about a month, hauling around a bag filled with food, clothing and toiletries for those in need. "There is no prerequisite for being a good person," Night Watch said. On that night, he helped out about a dozen homeless people in the community. "It's just nice that people aren't totally freaked out," he said. "Now they know who I am and that I'm trying to help." [Fox8, 1/22/2020]

David Ostrom, 40, and his ex-wife, Bridgette Ostrom, 38, have been tussling over custody and visitation issues and property taxes for some time, but a frustrated David, of Paola, Kansas, has come up with a unique way of settling their differences. He has challenged his ex, of Harlan, Iowa, and her attorney, Matthew Hudson, to a trial by combat and asked the Iowa District Court in Shelby County to let them "resolve our disputes on the field of battle, legally," the Des Moines Register reported. In court documents, Ostrom claims such a trial "has never been explicitly banned or restricted as a right in these United States." Ostrom also asked for 12 weeks to secure some Japanese samurai swords. Hudson, for his part, argued that the fight could end in a death, and "such ramifications likely outweigh those of property tax and custody issues." At press time, the court had not ruled on the motions. [Des Moines Register, 1/14/2020]

The Continuing Crisis

In Mexico City, Mexico, on any given day, 22 of the 467 escalators at subway stations are broken down, reports the Associated Press, and on Jan. 14 Metro authorities published a list of causes, including "corrosion due to urine" among the top five. Fermin Ramirez, assistant manager for rails and facilities, said he's concluded that riders urinate on the escalators in off-peak hours or at lightly used stations -- "even though it seems hard to believe." "When we open up escalators for maintenance, there is always urine," Ramirez noted. Twitter users pushed back, noting that there are no restroom facilities in most Metro stations. The Mexico City subway provides 1.6 billion rides per year -- the eighth largest in the world by some measures. [Associated Press, 1/15/2020]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Bibb County (Georgia) jail inmate Mary Beth Odum, 40, asked for and received a special Christmas card from a friend this year: a greeting filled with methamphetamine and Suboxone from Timothy Lee Snow, 40, according to authorities. The Associated Press reports deputies intercepted the card and began investigating Snow, detaining him on Jan. 9. On his person they found meth, Xanax and a revolver. In his home, deputies found more meth, Suboxone, marijuana, steroids, packing materials, a shotgun and a rifle. He was charged with possession and intent to distribute the drugs, along with giving an inmate drugs. Odom also faces charges of attempt to commit offenses pertaining to the possession of drugs. [Associated Press, 1/13/2020]

-- Storm Corral, 40, and a possible accomplice went to a lot of trouble to enter the Cigarettes Cheaper store in Sonora, California, on Dec. 22, according to police. They bored a hole in the ceiling, gaining access from a vacant building above the business, which probably took a couple of hours, Sonora Police Chief Turu VanderWiel told Fox40. When Corral tripped an alarm inside the store, he tried to escape back up through the hole but ended up falling through the ceiling into a storage room, all of which was caught on surveillance video. For all his effort, Corral came away with just a bag of rolling tobacco and two energy drinks, said an employee of the business, but he caused thousands of dollars worth of damage. Corral, who was already on probation, was charged with burglary and conspiracy to commit a crime. Police are still looking for his suspected accomplice. [Fox40, 1/12/2020]

Can You Blame Her?

Shawna Joseph, 28, of Jersey City, New Jersey, lost her cool on Jan. 7 at the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission in Bayonne. Asked to leave around 2 p.m. after becoming angry over the length of the lines, authorities said she returned later that afternoon and unleashed her wrath, smashing computers, assaulting workers and kicking the police officers called to arrest her. The Associated Press reported that Joseph eventually was responsible for about $23,000 in damages, according to authorities, and after she was arrested, she was found to have a PCP-laced marijuana cigarette in her possession; she was charged with criminal mischief, drug possession, aggravated assault and hindering apprehension. [Associated Press, 1/8/2020]

The Passing Parade

KTVX reported a man in Sandy, Utah, mistakenly assumed his local 24 Hour Fitness was open ... 24 hours. Dan Hill went to the gym late on Jan. 11 and finished his session with laps in the pool after midnight. When he emerged, he realized everyone was gone and the doors were locked. "Doesn't the name suggest that they stay open 24 hours?" Hill complained on Facebook. He called his wife, who suggested he "find a comfortable place to sleep." Instead, he called police dispatch "and the guy pauses for like 10 seconds and says, 'You're where?'" Hill said. He explained that he didn't want to risk tripping the alarm system and "get busted for breaking and entering," so police responded and freed Hill from his unexpected prison. A manager from the gym apologized in a statement and said, "We made the decision recently to close select clubs in the overnight hours. ... We clearly did not do a good job of our closing procedures for this club on Saturday night." [KTVX, 1/14/2020]

Awesome!

During the Tokyo Olympics this summer, athletes will sleep on beds made of cardboard, a nod toward sustainability in keeping with Tokyo's commitment to a "green" Olympics. Which all sounded admirable until Australian basketball player Andrew Bogut pointed out a potential problem: "Great gesture ... until the athletes finish their events and the 1,000s of condoms handed out all over the village are put to use." In response, Airweave, the manufacturer of the beds, told AFP the beds will hold up to 440 pounds and have been through rigorous stress tests. "As long as they stick to just two people in the bed, they should be strong enough to support the load," the company said. [AFP, 1/10/2020]

Fetishes

On Christmas Eve, a man in Bradenton, Florida, woke up to find an intruder in his room. It wasn't Santa Claus; the victim was awakened by a man sucking on his toes. According to the Manatee County Sheriff's Office, the victim demanded to know what the man was doing and the suspect simply responded he "was there to suck toes." In the ensuing fight, deputies said the suspect claimed to have a gun, but the victim managed to force him out of the home, where the thwarted toe-sucker smashed a window in the home and destroyed the windshield of the victim's car before leaving. The Bradenton Herald reported officers were unable to locate the suspect using a K9, so they took DNA samples from the man's toes, and the incident is still under investigation. [Bradenton Herald, 1/3/2020]

Irony

The Daily Hive reported on Jan. 15 that an event scheduled for that day at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver was postponed because of snow. Why is this weird? The event was a campus-wide snowball fight set to take place at 12:30 p.m. The university reasoned that traffic problems and canceled classes would make it more difficult for students to participate. The school rescheduled the snowball fight for the next day. [Daily Hive, 1/15/2020]

Chutzpah

Journalist Vladimir Mkrtchyan, 41, of Moscow, Russia, came across a painting he made when he was just 6 years old and decided he ought to sell it, Oddity Central reported. It soon got a lot of attention after he posted it Jan. 13 on the Russian classifieds site Avito with an asking a price of 140 million rubles ($2.3 million). Mkrtchyan defended the price, telling Russian media the painting, titled "Red Army Man on Horse," reflects the realities of the Soviet era through the eyes of a child. "I put all my soul and all my childhood delight into it. As you know, the artist's hand is guided by God, which means He liked it so much. ... The price ... is extremely low for such an artwork," he gushed. [Oddity Central, 1/16/2020]