David Ostrom, 40, and his ex-wife, Bridgette Ostrom, 38, have been tussling over custody and visitation issues and property taxes for some time, but a frustrated David, of Paola, Kansas, has come up with a unique way of settling their differences. He has challenged his ex, of Harlan, Iowa, and her attorney, Matthew Hudson, to a trial by combat and asked the Iowa District Court in Shelby County to let them "resolve our disputes on the field of battle, legally," the Des Moines Register reported. In court documents, Ostrom claims such a trial "has never been explicitly banned or restricted as a right in these United States." Ostrom also asked for 12 weeks to secure some Japanese samurai swords. Hudson, for his part, argued that the fight could end in a death, and "such ramifications likely outweigh those of property tax and custody issues." At press time, the court had not ruled on the motions. [Des Moines Register, 1/14/2020]

The Continuing Crisis

In Mexico City, Mexico, on any given day, 22 of the 467 escalators at subway stations are broken down, reports the Associated Press, and on Jan. 14 Metro authorities published a list of causes, including "corrosion due to urine" among the top five. Fermin Ramirez, assistant manager for rails and facilities, said he's concluded that riders urinate on the escalators in off-peak hours or at lightly used stations -- "even though it seems hard to believe." "When we open up escalators for maintenance, there is always urine," Ramirez noted. Twitter users pushed back, noting that there are no restroom facilities in most Metro stations. The Mexico City subway provides 1.6 billion rides per year -- the eighth largest in the world by some measures. [Associated Press, 1/15/2020]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Bibb County (Georgia) jail inmate Mary Beth Odum, 40, asked for and received a special Christmas card from a friend this year: a greeting filled with methamphetamine and Suboxone from Timothy Lee Snow, 40, according to authorities. The Associated Press reports deputies intercepted the card and began investigating Snow, detaining him on Jan. 9. On his person they found meth, Xanax and a revolver. In his home, deputies found more meth, Suboxone, marijuana, steroids, packing materials, a shotgun and a rifle. He was charged with possession and intent to distribute the drugs, along with giving an inmate drugs. Odom also faces charges of attempt to commit offenses pertaining to the possession of drugs. [Associated Press, 1/13/2020]

-- Storm Corral, 40, and a possible accomplice went to a lot of trouble to enter the Cigarettes Cheaper store in Sonora, California, on Dec. 22, according to police. They bored a hole in the ceiling, gaining access from a vacant building above the business, which probably took a couple of hours, Sonora Police Chief Turu VanderWiel told Fox40. When Corral tripped an alarm inside the store, he tried to escape back up through the hole but ended up falling through the ceiling into a storage room, all of which was caught on surveillance video. For all his effort, Corral came away with just a bag of rolling tobacco and two energy drinks, said an employee of the business, but he caused thousands of dollars worth of damage. Corral, who was already on probation, was charged with burglary and conspiracy to commit a crime. Police are still looking for his suspected accomplice. [Fox40, 1/12/2020]

Can You Blame Her?

Shawna Joseph, 28, of Jersey City, New Jersey, lost her cool on Jan. 7 at the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission in Bayonne. Asked to leave around 2 p.m. after becoming angry over the length of the lines, authorities said she returned later that afternoon and unleashed her wrath, smashing computers, assaulting workers and kicking the police officers called to arrest her. The Associated Press reported that Joseph eventually was responsible for about $23,000 in damages, according to authorities, and after she was arrested, she was found to have a PCP-laced marijuana cigarette in her possession; she was charged with criminal mischief, drug possession, aggravated assault and hindering apprehension. [Associated Press, 1/8/2020]

The Passing Parade

KTVX reported a man in Sandy, Utah, mistakenly assumed his local 24 Hour Fitness was open ... 24 hours. Dan Hill went to the gym late on Jan. 11 and finished his session with laps in the pool after midnight. When he emerged, he realized everyone was gone and the doors were locked. "Doesn't the name suggest that they stay open 24 hours?" Hill complained on Facebook. He called his wife, who suggested he "find a comfortable place to sleep." Instead, he called police dispatch "and the guy pauses for like 10 seconds and says, 'You're where?'" Hill said. He explained that he didn't want to risk tripping the alarm system and "get busted for breaking and entering," so police responded and freed Hill from his unexpected prison. A manager from the gym apologized in a statement and said, "We made the decision recently to close select clubs in the overnight hours. ... We clearly did not do a good job of our closing procedures for this club on Saturday night." [KTVX, 1/14/2020]

Awesome!

During the Tokyo Olympics this summer, athletes will sleep on beds made of cardboard, a nod toward sustainability in keeping with Tokyo's commitment to a "green" Olympics. Which all sounded admirable until Australian basketball player Andrew Bogut pointed out a potential problem: "Great gesture ... until the athletes finish their events and the 1,000s of condoms handed out all over the village are put to use." In response, Airweave, the manufacturer of the beds, told AFP the beds will hold up to 440 pounds and have been through rigorous stress tests. "As long as they stick to just two people in the bed, they should be strong enough to support the load," the company said. [AFP, 1/10/2020]

Fetishes

On Christmas Eve, a man in Bradenton, Florida, woke up to find an intruder in his room. It wasn't Santa Claus; the victim was awakened by a man sucking on his toes. According to the Manatee County Sheriff's Office, the victim demanded to know what the man was doing and the suspect simply responded he "was there to suck toes." In the ensuing fight, deputies said the suspect claimed to have a gun, but the victim managed to force him out of the home, where the thwarted toe-sucker smashed a window in the home and destroyed the windshield of the victim's car before leaving. The Bradenton Herald reported officers were unable to locate the suspect using a K9, so they took DNA samples from the man's toes, and the incident is still under investigation. [Bradenton Herald, 1/3/2020]

Irony

The Daily Hive reported on Jan. 15 that an event scheduled for that day at the University of British Columbia in Vancouver was postponed because of snow. Why is this weird? The event was a campus-wide snowball fight set to take place at 12:30 p.m. The university reasoned that traffic problems and canceled classes would make it more difficult for students to participate. The school rescheduled the snowball fight for the next day. [Daily Hive, 1/15/2020]

Chutzpah

Journalist Vladimir Mkrtchyan, 41, of Moscow, Russia, came across a painting he made when he was just 6 years old and decided he ought to sell it, Oddity Central reported. It soon got a lot of attention after he posted it Jan. 13 on the Russian classifieds site Avito with an asking a price of 140 million rubles ($2.3 million). Mkrtchyan defended the price, telling Russian media the painting, titled "Red Army Man on Horse," reflects the realities of the Soviet era through the eyes of a child. "I put all my soul and all my childhood delight into it. As you know, the artist's hand is guided by God, which means He liked it so much. ... The price ... is extremely low for such an artwork," he gushed. [Oddity Central, 1/16/2020]

Police in Wichita Falls, Texas, say they responded to a report on Jan. 5 that Christopher Ragsdale choked and headbutted his unnamed girlfriend after she complained about his odorous gas. "She told Christopher that his fart smelled horrible and he got mad and grabbed her by the hair and pulled her to the ground," the Associated Press quoted the arrest affidavit. The altercation took place at a friend's house, and that friend called police. Ragsdale was held on $10,000. [Associated Press, 1/8/2020]

Questionable Judgment

Four Amish men pleaded guilty in Gladwin County (Michigan) District Court on Jan. 8 to charges stemming from an earlier incident in Beaverton Township. According to the Midland Daily News, deputies from the Gladwin County Sheriff's office responded on Dec. 29 to a call from a concerned motorist who observed the four men tossing empty beer cans from the horse and buggy they were riding in. When deputies pulled them over, they gave bogus ages and would not confirm their names, authorities said, yet the men appeared to be inebriated, and a search of the buggy turned up empty alcohol containers along with unopened ones. Levei Mast, 20; Andrew Zook, 19; Joseph Miller, 20; and Joseph Troyer, 19, each paid a $700 fine and $150 in court costs. They have yet to face the bishop. [Midland Daily News, 1/8/2020]

Next, on 'Dateline'

Colleagues of 35-year-old paramedic Joshua Lee Hunsucker told investigators in Mount Holly, North Carolina, they were surprised at how quickly he had another girlfriend following the death of his wife in September 2018. And when Stacy Robinson Hunsucker's mother shared her suspicions, pointing to the $200,000 in life insurance Joshua had collected, agents of the North Carolina Department of Insurance began an investigation that led to Joshua Hunsucker's arrest on Dec. 19, charged with first-degree murder for poisoning his wife with Visine, according to prosecutors. Stacy Hunsucker, 32 at her death, had suffered from heart problems, the Gaston Gazette reported, and a test of her blood revealed tetrahydrozoline, a chemical found in eye drops and nasal sprays, at levels 30 to 40 times the recommended dose, an amount insurance fraud attorney Jordan Green told the court would have had "a dramatic effect on her heart, which would cause heart stoppage in a short amount of time." The Gazette also noted the wide news coverage given two weeks before Stacy's death to a woman arrested in York, South Carolina, for putting eye drops in her husband's water, causing a seizure and cardiac arrest. A Gaston County grand jury on Jan. 6 additionally indicted Hunsucker on charges of insurance fraud. [Gaston Gazette, 12/20/2020, 1/8/2020]

Precocious

The father of a 3-year-old girl in Guilin, China, is paying the price for his toddler's creative expression. On Nov. 24, the man, identified only as Mr. Zhao, his wife and daughter visited an Audi dealership, Oddity Central reported. As the adults looked around, the bored girl scratched "artwork" into 10 automobiles, including one valued at more than $140,000. The dealership sued the father for $28,400 over the damage caused. Eventually, Mr. Zhao and the dealership settled on a payment of $10,000. [Oddity Central, 12/12/2019]

Act of Desperation

After Dona Maria Schiave failed her driver's license test three times in the Novo Mutum Parana district of Brazil, her son, Heitor Marcio Schiave, 43, decided to take matters into his own hands. On Dec. 10, he donned a stuffed bra, long skirt and makeup and showed up at the State Department of Traffic, claiming to be his mother, ready to take the test again. Aline Mendoca, the examiner, became suspicious and summoned the military police. "I thought she was drunk at first," she told globo.com. "When I realized that the student was actually a man, I decided to proceed normally" and wait for officers. "I think he pitied his mother for failing three times." Schiave was arrested for fraudulent misrepresentation and released; he may face a fine. [globo.com, 12/11/2019]

The Way the World Works

Kari and Dustin Drees bought their first home In Atlanta's Buckhead district in December and shortly thereafter left on vacation to visit family. While they were gone, an alarm went off, and friends reported nothing was amiss, but when the Dreeses returned home, they discovered an uninvited visitor had moved in: a squirrel. The animal had apparently fallen down the chimney and become trapped inside, where it did a lot of damage -- defecating, scratching floors, chewing baseboards and building a nest in the couch. No worries, the couple thought: "This is why you have homeowner's insurance," Kari told the Associated Press. Not so fast: The couple's insurance "explicitly stated" it doesn't cover damage done by rodents, and a squirrel is a rodent. Small comfort: The company did offer to provide housing for the couple for up to two weeks. [Associated Press, 1/7/2020]

You Can't Make This Up

Odis Latham, 47, and Russell Sparks, 48, of Columbus, Mississippi, were arrested on Jan. 6 after they allegedly hatched a cockamamie scheme to "win" the lottery, WLBT reported. The two arrived at the Mississippi Lottery Corp. in Flowood and presented a losing $100,000 ticket upon which they had glued the winning numbers, according to authorities. Flowood police arrested the pair, who were charged with conspiracy to commit a felony and uttering a counterfeit instrument over $1,000. They were held without bond. [WLBT, 1/6/2020]

Entrepreneurial Spirit

Mike Parrish of Woodfin, North Carolina, is making fantasy a reality with a "Lord of the Rings" hobbit home he's building to offer on Airbnb. "I'm not just a casual fan. I'm a huge fan," Parrish said as he guided WLOS through the 800-square-foot "Unexpected Journey," built 90% underground with one bedroom, one bathroom, a kitchen and round doorways crafted by local woodworker John Fenwick. "What we want is to just have an area where people can come and bring their kids and just leave with an unforgettable experience," Parrish said. The home should be ready to rent in February or March; Parrish and his wife have not set a per-night rate yet. [WLOS, 12/27/2019]

Bright Idea

Firefighters in Las Vegas discovered what they say is an illegal, homemade gas station in a backyard on Jan. 7. The setup comprised two yellow tanks in the corner of a walled yard and a gas pump nozzle on the end of a hose long enough to reach from the backyard to the curb out front, the Associated Press reported, for "possible curbside fill-ups." "This is not only illegal in the city," Las Vegas Fire and Rescue wrote on social media, "it is a hazard to neighbors (and) first responders who may respond there for an emergency, like a fire." Las Vegas Metropolitan Police are investigating and believe it is part of a scheme to purchase gasoline with stolen credit cards and stash the fuel in storage containers at private homes. [Associated Press, 1/9/2020]

Wait, What?

Finally. Lizard owners who want to dress like their reptilian pets have a source for trendy looks: Fashion Brand Company of Los Angeles has been making clothes for lizards for a while, but now you can MATCH your bearded dragon. The current collection, according to OK Whatever, includes velvet jumpsuits and Western fringe jackets that come with a tiny white cowboy hat. The clothes are handmade and go for up to $125 -- and that doesn't include whatever you order for yourself. Founder Penelope Gazin says the ideas "come to me in my dreams," adding that lizards need clothes because "their bodies are disgusting and should be covered up." (Gazin doesn't own a lizard herself; "I dislike lizards," she admits.) [OK Whatever, 1/8/2020]

Kelly McGraw, 37, of Portsmouth, England, and her husband, James, 40, have enjoyed playing pranks on each other throughout their 24-year marriage. But before Christmas, as James was plotting a way to get back at Kelly for a "dodgy" haircut she'd given him, he came up with a gloriously permanent idea: He had his thigh tattooed with a less-than-flattering photo of Kelly, asleep on a plane with her mouth gaping open, as James mocked her behind her head. "I'm one up at the moment," James told the Sun, "but I'm also scared because I don't know what she's now planning." Kelly was unforgiving: "I was horrified. I couldn’t believe it. ... We do mess about anyway, but this is on another level. ... He needs to watch his back." [The Sun, 12/25/2019]

Bright Ideas

-- A romney ewe living on a farm near Auckland, New Zealand, is getting some relief from an unusual problem, thanks to a clever veterinarian and a brassiere meant for humans. Rose the sheep had suffered damage to her udders when she produced a high volume of milk during her pregnancy with triplets. "When this happens," Dr. Sarah Clews told Stuff, "the udder can hang so low that it can be traumatized on the ground." The condition can sometimes be a cause for euthanasia, but Dr. Clews thought a bra might help lift the udders and allow them to heal. Rose's owners eventually located a 24J maternity bra big enough to do the job, and it worked -- after two or three weeks of wearing the bra, Rose's udders recovered enough that surgery was no longer needed. [Stuff, 12/27/2019]

-- Justin and Nissa-Lynn Parson of McKinney, Texas, were all in when their son Cayden, 12, asked for a magnifying glass for Christmas. "We thought, 'Oh, he wants to magnify something'" to read, Nissa-Lynn told KDFW. Instead, Cayden and his brother, Ashton, used the glass to light a newspaper on fire on the family's front porch, which soon spread to the yard, eventually destroying the lawn and some of the family's Christmas lights. "We ran inside and started screaming," Cayden said. The family doused the fire with "pitchers of water, blankets smothering it, sprinklers turned on, hose turned on," Nissa-Lynn recounted, adding that now Cayden "will definitely have yard work to do once spring comes." [KDFW, 12/29/2019]

Least Competent Criminal

In Jefferson County, Colorado, would-be car thief Todd Sheldon, 36, has finally admitted it's just not the vocation for him, according to police. Fox News reported Sheldon had tried over recent weeks to steal multiple vehicles, according to the Jefferson County Sheriff's Office, but each time he was caught in the act -- first by a homeowner, then by sheriff's deputies minutes later "just down the street," shocking the deputies by telling them, "I'm trying to steal this truck." He was taken into custody and bonded out, but a week later, deputies responding to a report of someone trying to break into a car again found Sheldon. "I really suck at this," Sheldon allegedly told an officer. Sheldon remained in jail as of Dec. 27. [Fox News, 12/30/2019]

Bah, Humbug!

Poppy Leigh, 13, of Manchester, England, hoped wrapping her waist-length hair around an empty plastic water bottle and decorating it with lights like a Christmas tree atop her head would bring good cheer to her mates and teachers at Manchester Health Academy on Dec. 20. Instead, school authorities told her she had to either take the decorations off or go home. Her mom, Christie, wasn't happy about it: "It's just a bit of fun and Christmas cheer," she told Metro News. But Principal Kevin Green huffed: "The Academy has the highest of expectations around uniform and teaching and learning, and ... whilst it was a remarkably creative hairstyle, it was, unfortunately, inappropriate for school." [Metro News, 12/20/2019]

Oops!

-- As she enjoyed an Aldi mince pie in early December, caterer Angela McGill, 52, of Glasgow, Scotland, thought one bite seemed particularly "rough and really hard -- I thought it was a tough piece of pastry!" she told Metro News. Instead, McGill soon realized she had swallowed her partial dentures with two false teeth. Hospital X-rays confirmed the dentures were caught halfway down her throat, but the staff advised her pulling them out would only cause more harm. It took 72 hours for the plate to pass. "It was ever so funny!" she said. "And I was really enjoying the mince pie, too." [Metro News, 12/8/2019]

-- Sandra Smith, 59, of St. Petersburg, Florida, was cited for careless driving on Dec. 29, after crashing her 1994 Oldsmobile Cutlass into a mausoleum at the Memorial Park Funeral Home and Cemetery, damaging the facades of three above-ground graves, WFLA reported. Florida Highway Patrol troopers said Smith was driving in a grass lot at the cemetery when she "failed to avoid a mausoleum on the property." Her passenger, 63-year-old Betty Strickland, went to the hospital with critical injuries. [WFLA, 12/30/2019]

Precocious

The newest tattoo artist in the Haji Lane area of Singapore is Lilith Siow, 12. She learned the art from her father, Joseph, who has operated a tattoo business for 20 years, reported Asia One on Dec. 30. In the past year, Lilith has tattooed at least a dozen customers, although she admitted that she was nervous at first, taking 90 minutes to complete her first. "I was afraid at the beginning. ... Once a tattoo sets, it is forever," she said. As her confidence grows, so does her advocacy for the art: She disagrees that people with tattoos are "bad people." [Asia One, 12/30/2019]

Animal Shenanigans

Police in Elizabethtown, Kentucky, were called Dec. 27 to the parking lot of a CVS pharmacy over a "public menace," according to WKYT. The culprit was a "hostile chicken" that "pecked viciously" at the officers and "made some adept use of vehicles for cover" before they were able to corral it in a plastic milk crate, according to the police department's Facebook page. Officers transferred the foul fowl to "someone who can give him more suitable accommodations," then attended to their wounds with "some doughnut therapy." [WKYT, 12/28/2019]

Sour Grapes

Japanese YouTuber Marina Fujiwara has harnessed the pain she feels when she sees couples basking in their love at the holidays and developed a sort of schadenfreudean device: a light that turns on whenever anyone breaks up on social media. Oddity Central reported on Dec. 27 that Fujiwara's device is connected to the internet through a "bridge" and is set to light up whenever a breakup status is posted on Twitter. "I want to celebrate Christmas," she said. "But when you see a couple in the world going on a Christmas date and doing something like that, I am attacked by a huge sense of loneliness." While her machine is not available commercially, Fujiwara says it's easy enough to set one up for yourself. (Check her YouTube channel for directions.) [Oddity Central, 12/27/2019]

Dreams Do Come True

Joan, 89, and her friend Pauline, 84, had their wishes fulfilled in early December after asking administrators at the Glastonbury Court care home in Bury St. Edmunds, England, for an attractive man with a "large chest and big biceps" to visit. Sure enough, a male stripper dressed as a fireman arrived at the home to entertain the ladies, waving his belt around his head as he danced for them. "I wish he could visit us every day!" gushed Joan to the Daily Mail. "He made me feel like I was young again." Joan made her request through the home's wishing tree initiative, which others have used to ask for things like a shopping trip or a day at the beach. "This isn't the typical kind of visitor we have," said home manager Sharlene Van Tonder, "but based on the response, he was one of the most popular." [Daily Mail, 12/12/2019]