-- Because white shoes are so distracting when you're lining up your putt? According to Time magazine, Nike will be mowing over the competition with its new Air Max 1 golf shoes, which feature uppers covered with a green material that resembles grass. Matching green laces will further disguise your dogs as you play a round, but lest you think you'll disappear altogether, fear not: The trademark Nike swoosh on the sides is bright white. The sneakers, yet to be released, are expected to retail for $140. [Time, 1/14/2019]

-- Just when you thought there was nothing new under the blue jeans sun: A Ukrainian designer is asking $377 for a pair of jeans that have one fitted leg and one flared leg. Ksenia Schnaider, who calls her design the Asymmetric Jean, told DazedDigital.com: "It's good to get people talking, and they're definitely going to make people turn their heads as you walk by!" [DazedDigital.com, 1/11/2019]

People With(out) Issues

Rachel Childs, 29, of Pearland, Texas, is not autistic and doesn't have a twin autistic sister, according to the Houston Chronicle. Nevertheless, she hired a caregiver for her (fake) twin sister who is (not) autistic. The elaborate plot, which played out in early January, involved the caregiver picking up the "twin" at Childs' house and taking her to the caregiver's home, where he was hired to care for her overnight. But when Childs' "twin" exhibited sexual conduct toward the caregiver, he became suspicious and investigated Childs, then contacted police. Childs was charged with burglary of a habitation with intent to commit assault and indecent exposure. [Houston Chronicle, 1/17/2019]

Precocious

-- Employees of John J. Murphy Elementary School in Round Lake Park, Illinois, were surprised on Jan. 9 when a car drove into the drop-off lane and an 11-year-old student exited the driver's seat. Witnesses alerted police, who issued an arrest warrant for the front-seat passenger, 31-year-old Khafilu M. Oshodi of Round Lake, for two counts of child endangerment; a 9-year-old was riding in the back seat. Police Chief George Filenko told the Lake County News-Sun the situation could have "resulted in any number of tragic scenarios." The children have been placed with other relatives, and police are still looking for Oshodi. [Lake County News-Sun, 1/21/2019]

-- Alijah Hernandez of Houston is a skilled barber in her father's shop, reported KTRK-TV on Jan. 17 -- which wouldn't ordinarily be newsworthy. But Alijah is only 7 years old. Her dad, Franky, says she's been watching him since she was a toddler and started perfecting her skills three years ago. For her part, Alijah says cutting hair comes naturally to her; she practices on friends and family (with her dad supervising) and has already faced off in barber competitions across Texas. [KTRK, 1/17/2019]

What's That up in the Sky?

-- The rare super blood wolf moon of Jan. 20 was so captivating to some skywatchers on Florida's Ponte Vedra Beach, that they didn't notice when the tide rolled in and waterlogged their Honda CRV. The St. Johns County Sheriff's Office told News4Jax the occupants were able to get out of the car and move to safety, although the vehicle itself wasn't recovered until the next day. A photo showed water up to the windshield on the front end. [News4Jax, 1/21/2019]

-- Meanwhile, in West Palm Beach, Florida, two unnamed 24-year-olds chose to view the Jan. 20 eclipse by lying prone in the middle of a dark road near the Apoxee Wilderness Trail. Which would have worked out fine, except around 11:30 p.m. a West Palm Beach police officer patrolling the area ran over the pair. Fortunately, reported the South Florida Sun Sentinel, he was cruising at just 5 mph, and the human speed bumps sustained only non-life-threatening injuries. The officer was put on paid administrative leave while the incident was investigated. [Sun-Sentinel, 1/21/2019]

Terrifying Technology

Laura Lyons of Orinda, California, was in her kitchen on the afternoon of Jan. 20 when a loud alert noise blared in the living room, followed by a detailed warning from "Civil Defense" that intercontinental ballistic missiles were on their way from North Korea to Los Angeles, Chicago and Ohio. Lyons told the San Jose Mercury News the message warned residents they had three hours to evacuate. As she and her husband absorbed the news, they realized it had come from their Nest security camera -- not from the TV, where the Rams-Saints game was proceeding as normal, and news channels were not reporting anything unusual. "It was five minutes of sheer terror," she said. The Lyonses called 911 and then Nest, where a supervisor told them they had been victims of a "third-party hack" on their camera and speakers. [San Jose Mercury News, 1/22/2019]

Self-Medicating

When a 33-year-old unnamed Irish man was admitted to a Dublin hospital with swelling in his right forearm and a rash, he surprised the attending physician with the "cure" he had been using for his back pain. For a year and a half, reported Canoe.com on Jan. 16, the man had been injecting his own semen into his right forearm. X-rays revealed a pool of the fluid under his skin, which had become infected. "He had devised this 'cure' independent of any medical advice," noted Dr. Lisa Dunne in the Irish Medical Journal. He also told Dr. Dunne that his back pain had worsened after lifting a heavy metal object. [canoe.com, 1/16/2019]

Latest Religious Messages

British retailer Marks & Spencer is in hot water with Muslims who claim the store's brand of toilet paper is embossed with the Arabic symbol for the word "God." An unnamed man posted a video to social media displaying a roll of M&S Aloe Vera 3-ply tissue and urging his Muslim brothers and sisters to avoid buying it or boycott the store altogether. Metro News reports that in response, Marks & Spencer says the symbol is of an aloe vera leaf: "The motif on the aloe vera toilet tissue, which we have been selling for over five years, is categorically of an aloe vera leaf, and we have investigated and confirmed this with our suppliers." [Metro News, 1/22/2019]

Keep That to Yourself

Dennis Palmer, 31, appeared to be guilty of more than TMI on Jan. 10 when police were called to a Walmart in Stuart, Florida. TCPalm.com reported that Palmer was in the pillow aisle when he was seen exposing and touching himself inappropriately. Palmer told police "he was just itching himself because he has crabs." But surveillance video recorded Palmer indulging in "rubbing" and activities other than scratching; "this continued for several minutes," the affidavit stated. When police asked Palmer what he was thinking, he replied that "he wasn't thinking, but he should have been thinking." He was jailed for exposure of sexual organs. [TCPalm.com, 1/22/2019]

When Victoria Amith, 18, headed to college last fall, she couldn't take along her beloved cats, Tina and Louise. And her dad, Troy Good, 43, couldn't keep them at his new apartment in San Jose, California. So rather than abandon them, Good did what any doting daddy would do: He rented them an apartment of their own. Tina and Louise now live the good life in a 400-square-foot studio apartment behind the Willow Glen home of David Callisch, who told The San Jose Mercury News: "They're very quiet, obviously. The only problem is they stink up the place." Good pays $1,500 a month rent, and Callisch stops in every day to feed and play with the kitties. Sounds puuuurrrr-fect. [San Jose Mercury News, 1/14/2019]

Recurring Themes

-- The first clue for police that Craig Wistar, 51, of Warren, Ohio, shouldn't have been driving was that he was behind the wheel of a car facing east in a westbound lane around 2 a.m. on Dec. 4. The second was the woman in the back seat, who mouthed "Help me" to officers as they questioned Wistar, who had a bottle of vodka at his feet. When asked what he was doing, Wistar replied, "I'm Ubering," reported WFMJ-TV. Officers moved the passenger to their patrol car and administered a field sobriety test, during which Wistar admitted, "I'm plastered. I'm talking hammered. I confess I'm drunk." Wistar's Uber passenger got a ride home from police, and he pleaded guilty on Jan. 14 to driving under the influence. Most important, he will no longer be able to drive for ride-sharing apps. [WFMJ, 1/15/2019]

-- Sunita Jairam, 48, of Lexington, Kentucky, was arrested for driving under the influence at about 1 a.m. on Jan. 13, which she explained to police by saying she did it for her son. According to the Lexington Herald Leader, Jairam told police she had been drinking all day and "drank a bunch of beer and got in her car to drive to teach her son a lesson." Her son, whose age was not reported, told police he had tried several times to get out of the BMW X1 "due to his mother's driving," but the doors were locked. Jairam was also charged with endangering the welfare of a minor. [Lexington Herald Leader, 1/13/2019]

-- In the category of Straining Logic, Jana Moschgat's defense attorney suggested at her drunk-driving hearing on Jan. 8 in Berwick, Pennsylvania, that the results of her breath test might have been compromised by the fact that, according to the arresting officer, she was nibbling on her coat before the test was administered. Moschgat, 47, smelled of alcohol, the officer testified, and failed a field sobriety test; her blood alcohol level was tested at 0.151 percent, almost twice the legal limit. Attorney Travis Petty questioned the officer about his knowledge of the fabric content of her coat, reported The (Bloomsburg) Press Enterprise, saying certain materials can alter the results of breath tests. The judge wasn't buying the argument and sent the case to trial. [Press Enterprise via TribLive.com, 1/10/2019]

Promises, Promises

On Jan. 1, Curtis Brooner filed a lawsuit claiming a Burger King in Wood Village, Oregon, reneged on its promise following a traumatic incident on Dec. 15. KATU-TV reports Brooner was having lunch at the fast-food joint that day when he became locked in the restroom. Employees provided him with a flyswatter to use to wrench the door open, but Brooner cut his hand on it, and the lawsuit says employees laughed at Brooner from the other side of the door. It wasn't until an hour later, when a locksmith arrived, that he was set free. "To make things right," said Brooner's attorney, Michael Fuller, "the Burger King manager offered (Brooner) free food for the rest of his life" at that restaurant -- and followed through for a few weeks. But eventually the regional manager stepped in and ended it. Brooner's suit seeks damages of $9,026.16 -- the price of one burger meal per week for the next 22 years. "There are funny elements of the case," Fuller told KATU, "but there is nothing funny about being locked in a dank bathroom for an hour." [KATU, 1/3/2019]

Great Art!

Namibian artist Max Siedentopf, 27, has placed an installation in the ancient Namib Desert, consisting of six speakers attached to an MP3 player projecting the song "Africa" by Toto -- over and over and over, for all eternity. The song, released in 1982, has enjoyed a resurgence of popularity, and was one of Spotify's "Top Throwback Songs" in 2018. Siedentopf told the BBC that solar batteries will keep the song playing forever: "I wanted to pay the song the ultimate homage and physically exhibit 'Africa' in Africa ... but I'm sure the harsh environment of the desert will devour the installation eventually." [BBC, 1/14/2019]

Inexplicable

Mmmm, breakfast! Around 7 a.m. on Jan. 6, at a McDonald's in San Francisco, a man carried a dead raccoon into the restaurant and lay it on a table, then sat down with it. Restaurant patron Chris Brooks captured the spectacle on Facebook Live, recording as the man stood from his seat and walked around the restaurant, talking with people. Another man, wearing gloves, then picked the raccoon up by its tail and took it outside to a garbage can, trailing blood on the floor. Fox News reported San Francisco police responded to the restaurant and released the unidentified raccoon owner after speaking with him. McDonald's closed the store immediately and reopened two hours later after sanitizing the dining room. One patron wrote on Twitter: "I've seen worse than a dead raccoon at that same McDonald's." [Fox News, 1/10/2019]

Love Gone Wrong

It was love at first ... arrest, for 27-year-old Ashley Keister of Nanticoke, Pennsylvania, when she was apprehended by a West Wyoming, Pennsylvania, police officer last year. Ever since, Police Chief Curtis Nocera told the Associated Press, Keister had been harassing the officer with sexual messages on social media and would call 911 just to talk with him. On Jan. 7, police said, Keister took her infatuation a step further, using a large cigarette butt receptacle to break through the door of the West Wyoming police station around 1 a.m., where she rummaged through filing cabinets. Keister was caught on surveillance video and was charged with aggravated assault on a police officer, burglary and vandalism. [Associated Press, 1/10/2019]

Crime Report

Isaias Garcia, 30, of Garland, Texas, pleaded guilty in a Bridgeport, Connecticut, courtroom on Jan. 10 to reduced charges stemming from a bizarre kidnapping scheme last April. Garcia had abducted a 21-year-old Fairfield man and was demanding $800 in ransom, the man's aunt and father reported to police on April 6. Police told the aunt to request a photo to guarantee the young man was still alive, and when the photo arrived by text, ctpost.com reported, it showed the victim lying facedown in a bathtub with a 3-foot-long alligator on top of him, mouth open. In a subsequent phone call, the victim told his aunt: "Titi, man they got this alligator on me and they saying that if no money is given they are gonna have him chewing on me." Police and the FBI were able to trace the phone calls to a hotel room, where Garcia was apprehended. He faces a year in prison. [ctpost.com, 1/10/2019]

Bright Idea

In Williamson County, Texas, Sheriff Robert Chody has employed a new cadre of deputies to help deter speeding. Interestingly, they all look alike. The cardboard cutouts, which Chody has placed along roads where speeding is common, depict one of the department's real-life deputies pointing a radar device at the roadway. "It's a creative way to solve the problem without really working the problem," he told KTCB-TV. "Slow down because you never know if it's the real deal or not," he warned. The sheriff said he tested the idea in school zones and, "We didn't get one speeder." [KTCB TV, 1/10/2019]

KION TV reported on Jan. 7 that a Salinas, California, family's Ring doorbell camera captured video of a man licking the doorbell for more than three hours. The homeowners were out of town during the encounter, which took place around 5 a.m., but their children were inside. Sylvia Dungan, who was alerted to the activity at her front door on her phone, said, "I thought, boy there's a lot of traffic. ... Who the heck is that?" Salinas police identified the man as Roberto Daniel Arroyo, 33. Arroyo also relieved himself in the front yard and visited a neighbor's house. "You kind of laugh about it afterwards because technically he didn't do anything," Dungan said, although police later charged him with petty theft and prowling. [KION, 1/8/2019]

Super Fan

Dale Sourbeck, 49, of Pittston, Pennsylvania, had football on his mind after his arresting start to 2019. In the early morning hours of Jan. 3, he used a hammer to break into the Rock Street Music store and helped himself to two guitars -- to start with, reported WNEP TV. Presumably realizing he was being watched by surveillance cameras, Sourbeck left and returned to the store wearing a mask and grabbed three more guitars. Police tracked Sourbeck down using the surveillance camera shot of his license plate and found the stolen guitars in his home. Upon his arrest, the only statement he made was "Go Eagles." [WNEP, 1/3/2019]

Special Delivery

Veterinarian Molly Kreuze of Springfield, Virginia, is planning to purchase an artificial Christmas tree next year after her natural one came with something extra: more than 100 praying mantises. Kreuze told WJLA-TV the leggy insects emerged from an egg sac under the tree's branches and were "crawling on the walls, crawling on the ceiling, crawling on the windows." Kreuze captured as many as she could and was hoping to find a new home for them, as it seems "people really like" the bugs. The Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture advised that people who find the egg sacs on their Christmas trees should clip the branch and take it outside. Otherwise, without their regular source of food, the newly hatched insects will start to eat each other. [WJLA, 1/6/2019]

That Reminds Me of a Movie ...

Eakins Oval, a Philadelphia traffic circle, was the scene of an ominous accident on Jan. 1 when a 21-year-old unnamed man tried to climb a monument to George Washington at the center of the circle. WPIV-TV reported that the man slipped while climbing and fell on the sharp antler of a large deer statue at the base of the monument, impaling his left side. He suffered lacerations and was admitted to Hahnemann Hospital nearby. [WPIV, 1/3/2019]

Unclear on the Concept

-- Three customers and staff of a Wells Fargo branch in Solana Beach, California, were stunned on Jan. 3 when 35-year-old Clint Gray entered the bank shortly after it opened and yelled, "This is a robbery! Everybody get on the ground!" a witness told The San Diego Union-Tribune. But Gray, who was unarmed, didn't follow through. Instead, he stripped down to his underwear and sat in a chair near the front door, asking bank employees to call law enforcement. He also kindly told one female customer that she could sit in a chair instead of lying on the floor. A sheriff's deputy arrived shortly, and Gray surrendered without resistance; he was later charged with attempted robbery. [San Diego Union-Tribune, 1/4/2019]

-- Students at a Fairfield, Ohio, middle school were subjected to an unexpected lesson on Jan. 8 when they reported suspicious behavior "taking place behind (the) desk" of substitute teacher, Tracey J. Abraham of Cincinnati. WHIO-TV reported that the school resource officer at Creekside Middle School received several complaints from students that the teacher was, eh, taking matters into his own hands, and he was removed from the room and building. Abraham was booked and charged with public indecency and ordered to stay away from all locations where there are children under 18 years old. [WHIO, 1/8/2019]

Smooth Reaction

A female jogger on the Goldenrod Trail in Oakland, California, used pepper spray on a dog that attacked her on the morning of Jan. 3, angering the dog's owner, Alma Cadwalader, 19. According to KPIX-TV, police said Cadwalader retaliated by tackling and punching the jogger multiple times, and finally biting the victim on the forearm, causing significant wounds. Police posted a surveillance camera photograph of Cadwalader and asked for the public's help in identifying her; she was arrested on Jan. 4. [KPIX, 1/4/2019]

Social Media Fail

Game Warden Cannon Harrison, 24, is well known around his area in Oklahoma, so when he filled out a profile for the dating app Bumble, he didn't include his profession. But when he "matched" with a woman nearby in December, he was surprised when she messaged him that she had just bagged "a bigo buck." "I thought ... it was someone who was messing with me because they knew who I was," Harrison told The Washington Post. Deer season had ended, although hunting with a crossbow was still legal, so he decided to play along. He wrote back, "Hell yeah, get em with a bow?" When the unnamed huntress demurred, he asked her if she had been "spotlighting" -- an illegal technique that involves shining a light into the animal's eyes to stun it before shooting it, and she replied, "Yeahhhh." Next she sent Harrison a photo of herself with her trophy, and Harrison went to work. He tracked her down on social media, and the following morning, game wardens appeared at her door. The woman paid a fine and will avoid jail time -- and probably a date with Warden Harrison. [The Washington Post, 1/8/2019]

Oh, Florida

Heather Carpenter, 42, was charged with damaging property and criminal mischief in Sarasota County, Florida, after expressing in a particularly gross way her dissatisfaction with the principal of the school where Carpenter was substitute teaching. Phillippi Shores Elementary School Principal Allison Foster had been helping Carpenter with a professional issue, but Carpenter was unhappy with the way it was going, according to the Sarasota Herald-Tribune. So on Dec. 1, in a park where Foster was hosting a birthday party for her daughter later in the day, Carpenter -- whose own daughter was invited to the party -- arrived with human feces, according to a witness, which she spread on the grill and picnic tables. Carpenter pleaded not guilty, but the Sheriff's Office report stated that she admitted she "intentionally placed human waste and fecal matter on the tables at Urfer Park with the intent of disrupting the birthday party planned by Foster." [Sarasota Herald-Tribune, 1/7/2019]

Least Competent Criminal

An unidentified 39-year-old wannabe carjacker hit a bump in the road on Jan. 7 when he approached the driver of a Chevrolet Volt in San Diego, reported The San Diego Union-Tribune. The thief demanded the driver's keys and mobile phone around 6 a.m., according to San Diego police, and tried to drive off in the vehicle. But he couldn't figure out how to operate the hybrid car, and in frustration he ran away, discarding the phone and keys. Police located the carjacker a short distance away and arrested him on suspicion of carjacking and robbery. [San Diego Union-Tribune, 1/7/2019]