Halloween won't be quite so frightening for residents of Nottinghamshire, England, now that a "killer clown" has been apprehended and sentenced to 11 weeks behind bars, plus 18 weeks that had previously been suspended, according to the BBC. Damien Hammond, 29, is a homeless and jobless man who has taken on the persona of Heath Ledger's The Joker from "The Dark Knight Rises." He admitted to what police called a "crime wave" of offenses, including terrorizing staff in retail stores, waving a gun-shaped cigarette lighter while standing in traffic, and striking a police officer. He arrived at Nottingham Magistrates' Court on Oct. 10 with bright green hair, and as he was led to jail, he shouted: "See what you have done. I will kill today!" adding that he would stab police officers and fellow inmates. He has also been banned from central Nottingham for three years. [BBC, 10/10/2018]

Government in Action

The District of Columbia's Department of General Services fell victim to a scam in July when officials there wired almost $700,000 to a hacker posing as a city vendor. The fraudsters gained information from a vendor's computer system, reported The Washington Post, then created a fake email address by changing just one letter, from which they requested electronic transfers from the D.C. government. David Umansky, a spokesman for the district's chief financial officer, told the Post that since then the city's protocols for making vendor payments have "been modified to require additional confirmation before changing bank information." None of D.C.'s money has been recovered. [Washington Post, 10/22/2018]

News That Sounds Like a Joke

In Ouachita Parish, Louisiana, chicken owner Stephanie Morse told KNOE-TV on Oct. 18 that she is not going to be deterred from dressing up her chickens for Halloween, even in light of the warning from the Centers for Disease Control about exposure to salmonella. More than 90 people in 29 states have been infected with an antibiotic-resistant strain of the bacteria after coming into contact with raw chicken products. Dressing up live chickens might also cause people to be exposed to the germ. "Don't kiss your birds or snuggle them," the CDC warns. But Morse clucks back: "I just like to put a sweater on them to keep them warm and comfortable." [KNOE, 10/18/2018]

Inexplicable

The University of Kansas Cancer Center just wants its colon back. The $4,000 giant inflatable colon, used to educate the public about colon health, was stolen from the bed of a pickup truck on Oct. 19. The Kansas City Star reported it was scheduled to appear at a run/walk event at a local park the next day. Kansas City Police are hoping the public will help find the 150-pound, 10-foot-long colon and return it to its owners. [Kansas City Star, 10/19/2018]

Extreme Reaction

Helen Washington, 75, of Brooklyn Center, Minnesota, faces charges of second-degree assault with a dangerous weapon after she ran out of patience on Oct. 12 with her grandson, who continued to put his teacup on her furniture even after she repeatedly asked him not to. After dumping his tea out, the Minneapolis Star-Tribune reported, Washington left the room, apparently to get a gun. Meanwhile, the grandson had made a new cup of tea and put it on the furniture. The argument resumed, and Washington pulled out the .38 Special, shooting her grandson in the leg. She told officers at the scene she didn't think she should go to jail; a judge ordered an evaluation to see if she's competent to stand trial. [Minneapolis Star-Tribune, 10/18/2018]

Who's a Good Boy? You're a Good Boy!

Beagle Brigade K-9 officer Hardy probably thought he'd hit the jackpot when U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents discovered an unusual item in a passenger's luggage at Atlanta's Hartsfield-Jackson airport on Oct. 11. Fox5 reported that something smelled suspicious (and delicious) to Hardy, so agents opened the bag of a traveler from Ecuador to find a cooked pig's head. "This seizure at ATL illustrates the tremendous expertise of our four-legged K-9 partners in protecting the United States," gushed Carey Davis, CBP area port director of the Port of Atlanta. No doubt to Hardy's distress, however, the pig's head was removed and destroyed. [Fox5, 10/16/2018]

Creative Weaponry

-- When Denver Broncos backup quarterback Chad Kelly wandered into a suburban house in Englewood, Colorado, early on the morning of Oct. 23, he didn't appear to pose much of a threat, according to ESPN News. He sat down on the couch next to the female resident, who was holding her young child, and began "mumbling incoherently," police records showed. But the man of the house, thinking quickly, shooed the 24-year-old Kelly out with nothing more than a vacuum hose. Kelly, who had been at a Halloween party with teammates, was later found sitting in his car about a block away. He was arrested on suspicion of criminal trespass, but the real shame is how Kelly hosed his own career: On Oct. 24, the Broncos released him. [ESPN News, 10/25/2018]

-- Atif Masood, 42, an employee at a Tesco supermarket in Thornton Heath in south London, is suing the store over the harassment and racial discrimination he says he suffered when a fellow employee broke wind in his face. The Sun reported Masood claims he was targeted because he is Muslim, saying the "unwanted conduct ... had the purpose or effect of violating his dignity." Tesco dismissed Masood's complaints in February, saying it found no evidence of racial discrimination. Masood's hearing will take place in 2019. [The Sun, 10/19/2018]

Above and Beyond

Judge R.W. Buzzard got a free pass on doing his cardio on Oct. 16 after two inmates appearing in his courtroom at the Lewis County Courthouse in Chehalis, Washington, made a break for it. The Daily Chronicle reported that Tanner D. Jacobson, 22, of Onalaska, and Kodey L. Howard, 28, of Winlock, were being escorted out of the courtroom by a deputy when they turned and ran out the public door of the chamber. Judge Buzzard stripped off his black robe and set off in hot pursuit, grabbing Howard as he followed Jacobson down the steps. Jacobson was caught a few blocks away. Both inmates were charged with felony second-degree escape. [Daily Chronicle, 10/19/2018]

Insert Stereotype Here

Police officers in Clearwater, Florida, shared their good fortune on Oct. 16 after they recovered a stolen van filled with Krispy Kreme doughnuts, reported the Tampa Bay Times. The van was stolen almost 200 miles north of Clearwater, in Lake City, where the store manager donated the sweet cargo to the officers, who shared their treats with local homeless people. Evidently the resulting sugar coma impaired the officers' ability to hunt down criminals, as the doughnut thief is still on the run. [Tampa Bay Times, 10/17/2018]

Ewwww!

William Friedman, 68, of Franklin Township, New Jersey, told police officers when he was apprehended that his weird practice of dumping his grandson's used diapers around town "almost became a game." Friedman had been disposing of the soiled nappies along several roadways over the past year, until an officer spotted him at 3:15 a.m. on Oct. 21 making another deposit. Not only is the littering disgusting, but officials told the Associated Press that a motorcyclist crashed in June after running over a diaper Friedman had allegedly thrown out. He was charged with interference with transportation and faces up to $1,000 in fines. [Associated Press, 10/24/2018]

The Way the World Works

Krissa White of Pensacola, Florida, planted a butterfly garden in her front yard six years ago. Since then, she's nurtured monarchs through their life cycles, offering them a safe refuge from mosquito-targeting chemicals. But her yard has been the source of much discussion among neighbors, and in early October, the Crown Pointe Property Owners Association charged that White's butterflies violate the community's covenants against breeding or raising animals, such as livestock or poultry, on the property. Dogs, cats or other household pets are exempted from the rule. WEAR-TV reported on Oct. 19 that White may be charged $25 every day for harboring the butterflies. [WEAR-TV, 10/19/2018]

Some people can get pretty territorial about their food. So it appeared in Colleton County, South Carolina, on Sept. 29, when Ryan Dean Langdale, 19, warned his 17-year-old cousin not to eat his salt and vinegar potato chips. "Do not touch my chips, or I'll shoot you," Langdale told his cousin, according to a sheriff's incident report. The Charleston Post and Courier reported Langdale then went into another room, retrieved a rifle and "the rifle went off," according to the sheriff's document. Langdale summoned help but told police his cousin had accidentally shot himself while cleaning the rifle. Officers didn't think the story held up: The pathway of the bullet through the victim's chest was "impossible" if he had mistakenly shot himself, said sheriff's Maj. J.W. Chapman. Sure enough, when the victim was questioned after undergoing surgery, he told officers the savory snacks were at the center of the dispute. Langdale surrendered on Oct. 10 and was charged with, among other crimes, attempted murder. [Charleston Post and Courier, 10/10/2018]

Compelling Explanations

Yury Zhokhov, 41, a factory worker in Donetsk, Russia, was found kneeling in a field in early October with a knife handle sticking out of the top of his head. Zhokhov was conscious, and when questioned by police, he revealed he had stuck the 8-inch blade in himself. He was having trouble breathing through his nose, he explained, and hoped to make another hole he could breathe through. But the knife became stuck, and he couldn't remove it. Odditycentral.com reports doctors at the local hospital were afraid to touch the knife for fear of killing Zhokhov or causing brain damage. "It was horrific," a hospital spokesperson told local media. X-rays showed the blade "exactly between the two hemispheres of the brain." Specialists were called and Zhokhov survived the surgery without apparent brain damage, although surgeons are concerned about infection. [odditycentral.com, 10/9/2018]

Just Kidding

An alert (or nosy) passerby called police on Oct. 10 after seeing staff through the window of a Natwest bank in Birmingham, England, hiding and cowering under their desks. Officers arrived at the bank in hopes of catching a robber red-handed, but instead were told the workers were participating in a team-building game of hide-and-seek. West Midlands Police Chief Inspector Dave Keen tweeted that, although the incident was a misunderstanding, the citizen made "the right call," reported Metro News. [Metro News, 10/10/2018]

Weird Science

In Olympic National Park in Washington, the mountain goat population has baaa-llooned to an unnatural 700 or more animals. The park is also becoming more popular with humans, which has led to an unsavory consequence: In their constant quest for salt and other minerals, the goats have developed a strong taste for human urine and sweat left behind by hikers and campers. Goats will lick clothing and paw at the ground where people have urinated or disposed of cooking water, making them a nuisance, according to the National Park Service. Popular Mechanics also reports that the increased likelihood of human-goat interactions has park officials worried, especially since a goat gored a hiker to death in 2010. The answer: Park officials are tagging, blindfolding and airlifting mountain goats to nearby Mount Baker-Snoqualmie National Forest, which should be more hospitable to their needs. [Popular Mechanics, 9/28/2018]

Smooth Reaction

On Oct. 12, an Air India Express pilot guided a Boeing 737 up and away from Tiruchirappalli International Airport in Tamil Nadu, India -- but not ENOUGH up and away. As the plane took off shortly after midnight, it hit the top of a 5-foot-tall perimeter wall and destroyed a small landing guide tower. The Washington Post reported that, despite the audible collision, the pilot told the airport director the plane's systems were functioning normally and he was continuing toward Dubai, across the Indian Ocean. "But we found some parts of the plane, like an antenna, on the ground," the director said. Finally, about two hours into the flight, ground control convinced the pilot to return to India, where the plane landed in Mumbai. Indeed, there was a huge gash in the plane's underbelly, and mesh fencing was wrapped around the landing gear. All 130 passengers arrived unharmed and were booked on other flights, and the pilot and co-pilot have been grounded pending a review. [The Washington Post, 10/13/2018]

Questionable Judgment

Hatam Hamad, 56, a Palestinian and American dual citizen, made a name for himself on Oct. 10 as he flew from New Orleans to Heathrow Airport in London, reported Fox News. Six hours into the flight, after swigging five servings of wine, Hamad approached New Orleans TV executive Joel Vilmenay, who was sitting with his wife and two children. "This man had his penis out and exposed within 3 inches of my face," Vilmenay said in his statement to the Uxbridge Magistrates Court prosecutor, Wendy Barrett. Vilmenay said he stood up and asked Hamad what he was doing, whereupon Hamad "responded by grunting" and exposed himself to another passenger. At that moment, Hamad "slapped (Vilmenay) in the chest with some force." The cabin crew were alerted, and Hamad was removed to the back of the plane, where he was guarded for the remainder of the flight. Hamad, who has no previous convictions, at first denied having assaulted anyone, but later admitted his guilt, saying he had not drunk alcohol for three months but was a nervous flyer. His prison sentence was suspended, but he was ordered to pay Vilmenay $789. [Fox News, 10/14/2018]

The Continuing Crisis

In an apparent attempt to destroy what little brainpower he had left, 26-year-old Brandon McVay of Council Bluffs, Iowa, ate a Tide Pod, prompting a trip to the hospital. But while he was being treated in the critical care unit, McVay went on a rampage early on Oct. 4, causing thousands of dollars of damage to medical equipment, according to the Omaha World-Herald. A nurse told the responding police officer that McVay "was yelling loudly" as he broke objects in his room before proceeding to the hallway. Keyboards, computer monitors and glass valued at more than $7,500 were found littering the hallway, where McVay was subdued by security before police arrived. McVay was arrested and held at the hospital on charges of second-degree criminal mischief and disorderly conduct in a place of business. [Omaha World-Herald, 10/12/2018]

People Different From Us

West Virginia MetroNews reported that, for Jackie Fullmer, 37, of Fairmont, West Virginia, Oct. 9 started with trying to steal car keys from a woman at knife point. When police caught up to her, she ran toward their car with a hatchet and knife, prompting a deputy to shoot her with a stun gun. Fullmer turned to verbal attacks while being transported to the Fairmont Police Department, warning officers she was going to stab them in the neck and watch their "blood drain as she drank it" -- which, as it turns out, she could have done, because she had a knife hidden between her buttocks. That weapon was found during booking, and Fullmer admitted she had slashed the seat belt in the police cruiser with it before threatening to slit the officers' throats. She was charged with threats of terrorist acts and attempted robbery. [West Virginia MetroNews, 10/9/2018]

People With Issues

As Hermes Callijas-Gasperin's mother cooked his dinner on Oct. 8 in Bradenton, Florida, she accidentally bumped into her 22-year-old son. That's when he lost it, the New York Post reported, pelting her with the sausages she was frying and putting his hands on her neck. The Manatee County Sheriff's Office said Callijas-Gasperin told officers he just wanted his mom to apologize, but he was arrested and charged with misdemeanor domestic battery. [New York Post, 10/13/2018]

Genevieve Snow, 29, hired a Brooklyn company, Joanna's Cleaning Service, to spruce up her apartment on Aug. 27. It wasn't her first transaction with the company, and she let two women in before leaving for work that day. But when one of Snow's roommates woke up, she found one of the cleaning ladies sitting on the couch, eating. "You know when you're not supposed to be doing something, people jerk up really quickly? They did that," the roommate, Kristen Nepomuceno, 28, told the New York Post. Nepomuceno left for work, but when she returned around 5:30 p.m., the apartment was trashed, one of the ladies was gone, and the other was passed out on the kitchen floor next to a smashed spice rack. She quickly left and called police, who arrived to find the cleaning lady was sitting on the couch, eating ice cream. "She is ... hammered, beyond hammered," Nepomuceno said. New York police refused to file a report, so Snow gave the cleaning service a bad review on Yelp. That's when the owner of the company Snow had previously used, Joanna Cleaning Service, got in touch to say a former (fired) employee had started Joanna's Cleaning Service and had taken Snow for a ride. Now Snow can't get in touch with EITHER Joanna and just wants to find out who's responsible for the damage so she can sue them. [NY Post, 10/2/2018]

Weird Science?

Officials in Midway, Arkansas, still don't know what caused flames to shoot out of a hole in the ground on Sept. 17. Volunteer fire chief Donald Tucker was summoned to private property at the edge of town where the flames were shooting up to 12 feet high, reported the Springfield News-Leader. Tucker inspected the site after the fire subsided and said the 2-foot-diameter hole was about 3 feet deep and made a 45-degree turn at the bottom. "I took a temperature reading of it and it showed 780 degrees inside the hole," he added, but he couldn't identify the source of the flames. There are no gas lines nearby, and there was no smell of gas before or during the fire. He also ruled out a meteor strike or flaming space junk. Geologists from the Arkansas Geological Survey inspected the hole and concluded it had been dug by an animal, but they took soil samples for testing. County judge Mickey Pendergrass said Satan had also been ruled out. [Springfield News-Leader, 9/19/2018]

Awesome!

Kotaku.com reported on Oct. 3 that gamer Xopher credits the arcade game "Dance Dance Revolution" with restoring his health. Xopher grew up in Arkansas and loved playing DDR at arcades. But when his cardiologist told him he'd have to trim down from his 325 pounds or risk needing a heart transplant, Xopher got serious about the game. He found an "excellently priced" DDR machine on eBay and restored it, starting with just three games a night. Between 2014 and 2018 he got to under 200 pounds: "I've gone from a blood pressure of 140/80 to 112/65. ... I was healthy for the first time in my life." He also said he's now playing DDR competitively. [Kotaku.com, 10/3/2018]

Family Values

On the day Ester Price, 95, of Pamplin, Virginia, was admitted to the hospital with an unexplained illness, her son-in-law, Jack David Price, 56, kindly brought her a coffee -- "not an ordinary event," according to an investigator. Doctors found signs of meth in her system, reported The News & Advance. Jack Price's stepdaughter told the Appomattox County Sheriff's Office she suspected he was trying to kill his mother-in-law, and a neighbor said Price had once told him he should "put some meth in her drink," then claimed to be only kidding. On Oct. 4, Price was sentenced to six years in prison after pleading guilty to two felonies. [News & Advance, 10/4/2018]

Funsuckers

If you're over 12 years old in certain parts of Virginia, you'd better hustle up your own fun for Halloween night. In several communities surrounding Chesapeake and Newport News, KUTV reported, city codes make it a misdemeanor for anyone over 12 to wear a costume and troll the neighborhood for candy. Penalties include fines ($25 to $100) and up to six months in jail. Even lawful trick-or-treaters must be done by 8 p.m., and in Newport News, parents accompanying children may not wear masks. [KUTV, 10/8/2018]

Inexplicable

Staci Tinney of Charleston, West Virginia, was expecting a bank statement when she picked up her mail on Oct. 8, but instead she found just one item in her mailbox: a laminated picture of a llama wearing sunglasses. Tinney's surveillance video showed "a woman was hanging out of the passenger's side of (a black pickup) truck ... removing things from my mailbox, and looked like she was putting something inside my mailbox," Tinney said. WCHS reported other neighbors also were missing mail and packages that day. Tinney told reporters the mail thieves claimed to be "handing out wedding invitations," but she was dubious: "We don't know anybody who knows a llama personally." Charleston police are investigating. [WCHS, 10/8/2018]

People With Too Much Time on Their Hands

Producers and sellers of senbei, a type of rice cracker, joined together in Soka, Japan, on Oct. 3 to break the Guinness World Record for ... wait for it ... creating the largest rice cracker mosaic. About 200 people constructed a rendering of Leonardo da Vinci's "Mona Lisa" using seven different colors of rice cracker. The mosaic, according to United Press International, measured 1,250 square feet and required more than 23,000 crackers. [UPI, 10/4/2018]

Recurring Themes

Frontier Airlines removed a passenger before takeoff from a flight from Orlando, Florida, to Cleveland on Oct. 9 because of her non-allowed "emotional support animal," a squirrel. Passengers were alerted to a "situation" and told they needed to exit the airplane, according to 24-year-old flyer Brandon Nixon of Ashland, Ohio. "You expect the worst when they say something like that," Nixon told the Associated Press. When he asked a flight attendant for more information, "All she said was 'a squirrel.'" Police were called when the woman and her squirrel refused to deplane, and she was escorted through the terminal, pumping her fist in the air as she held the squirrel on her lap. [Associated Press, 10/10/2018]

Least Competent Criminal

A Springfield, Missouri, man took to Facebook in July to proudly demonstrate how to remove an ankle monitor. Dustin W. Burns, 33, had pleaded guilty earlier this year to violating a restraining order and was placed on probation. Authorities believe it is Burns using a butter knife and a screwdriver in the video, saying, "This is how you take an ankle bracelet off without breaking the circuit," according to the Springfield News-Leader. The narrator advises against damaging the electronic equipment so as to avoid thousands of dollars in fines. Subsequent Facebook posts reference trips to Utah, Idaho and Oregon, and a video shows a man resembling Burns walking through a large marijuana farm with the caption "Dream come true." He has been in the Greene County jail since Aug. 28 and was charged in early October with tampering with electronic monitoring equipment, a felony. [Springfield News-Leader, 10/7/2018]

Police Report

Police officers in Richardson Forest Preserve, near Cincinnati, thought they had come across a body in a plastic trash bag dumped in the woods on Oct. 4. Instead, they found "Mandi," a life-size female sex doll, according to Metro News. Residents from the area have erected a shrine in the doll's memory, leaving flowers and candles along with messages, such as, "Mandi, you were taken too soon. We will remember you fondly. RIP." The doll is thought to be an expensive, high-end model, which makes the mystery of its disposal even more perplexing. [Metro News, 10/7/2018]