A naked man opened the door to firefighters responding to a house fire in Niceville, Florida, on Aug. 27 and said "I'm sorry" before closing the door in their faces. James Cunningham, 53, later admitted to police he'd had two liters of vodka and had smoked marijuana before trying to bake cookies on his George Foreman grill, reported WPLG Local 10. The experiment went wrong when the grill and cookies caught fire, so he covered them with a dry towel, which also caught fire. Firefighters said if he'd been in the house any longer, he could have died from smoke inhalation. [Local10.com, 9/10/2018]

Anger Management

Djuan Lewis, 23, landed a new job at Benada Aluminum Products in Sanford, Florida, on Aug. 30, a Thursday. On Sunday morning, his boss fired him. WFTV reported that following his dismissal, Lewis waited for his boss for two hours outside the business, then chased him and his girlfriend for a mile and a half, shooting at their car and hitting the rear bumper, trunk and right rear tire. Neither the supervisor nor his girlfriend was hurt. Sanford police arrested Lewis and changed him with attempted murder. [WFTV, 9/4/2018]

Questionable Judgment

School resource officer and part-time police officer Maryssa Boskoski, 32, was called into a classroom at Liberty Preparatory School in Smithville, Ohio, on Aug. 30 to help rouse a sleeping student who could not be awakened by the teacher or even the principal. When Boskoski arrived, The Washington Post reported, her solution was to unholster her Taser, remove the firing cartridge and pull the trigger, causing an electric buzz that woke the student and shocked the school community. Smithville Police Chief Howard Funk placed Boskoski on unpaid leave and told WEWS news station Boskoski had been disciplined a month earlier, also for a Taser-related incident. An investigation was ongoing. [The Washington Post, 9/6/2018]

Oops

New Jersey resident Gregory Lazarchick, 56, made a bad day worse on July 21 when he told greeters at Disney's Saratoga Springs Resort in Lake Buena Vista, Florida, he'd been sent by al-Qaida to "blow the place up." According to the Orlando Sentinel, the greeters told Orange County deputies Lazarchick complained of having a bad day before issuing his threat, but deputies found no bomb-making materials in Lazarchick's hotel room. The man's sister reported he had suffered a head injury several years ago and sometimes said inappropriate things. The remorseful Lazarchick posted bond after his arrest for false report of a bombing. [Orlando Sentinel, 9/5/2018]

Ewwww!

At Kirby High School in Memphis, Tennessee, things are quiet as a mouse ... or a rat. Shelby County Schools Superintendent Dorsey Hopson told the Memphis Commercial Appeal he's looking for a temporary home for Kirby's 800 students after closing the school Sept. 5 due to a rat infestation. The problem started in mid-August, when district personnel uncovered a rat's nest during a renovation project. Eighty rats were trapped at the school and poison was set out. When students returned after Labor Day, poisoned rats began dying within the school's walls and the stench became overwhelming. Calling the situation an "unavoidable act of nature," Hopson said he expects students to return in early November. [Memphis Commercial Appeal, 9/7/2018]

Irony

Lona and Joseph Johnson of Bellingham, Washington, survived the Las Vegas mass shooting last October and decided to get a dog to help with the trauma that haunted them after the incident. "We heard that dogs are good pets to help with the healing and PTSD ... and got Jax," Joseph told the Bellingham (Washington) Herald. But on Sept. 2, neighbor Odin Maxwell, 49, shot and killed Jax, telling police the dog was chasing his chickens. An investigation showed no chickens were harmed, and Maxwell was cited for discharging a firearm. [Bellingham Herald, 9/6/2018]

Family Values

Patricia Ann Hill, 69, of White Hall, Arkansas, called 911 on July 28 to report she had shot her husband, Frank, 65. But she had a motive: Patricia told Jefferson County Sheriff's investigators she had previously disagreed with her husband's purchase of a pornography channel on Dish Network, and she canceled the channel, telling Frank that if he reordered it, he'd have to leave. That day, reported the Pine Bluff Commercial, the Dish bill arrived, revealing that the channel had been re-added, so Patricia confronted Frank in his "man cave" and told him to go. When he refused, Patricia fetched a .22-caliber pistol from the house and shot him twice, killing him. Hill was charged with capital murder and held without bond in the Jefferson County adult detention center. [Pine Bluff Commercial, 8/2/2018]

Bright Idea

It's one way to get a ride to lunch: Knox County (Kentucky) Sheriff's deputies responded on Aug. 24 to a home in Corbin, where Kenneth Ray Couch, 35, had reportedly stolen a handgun. As they searched for Couch, they learned he had been transported to the hospital in an ambulance after staging a heart attack at nearby Dixon's market. When police arrived at Baptist Health Corbin, WYMT reported, they found Couch in the cafeteria, which had apparently been his goal all along. Couch was arrested and charged with first-degree burglary and falsely reporting an incident. [WYMT, 8/27/2018]

Least Competent Criminal

Taiheem M. McKay, 23, of Riverhead, New York, made it easy for Suffolk County officials to track him down after suspecting him of breaking into 10 different homes over the course of seven months, stealing cash, jewelry and designer accessories. According to Newsday, the Suffolk County Department of Probation traced McKay to the burglary locations through his GPS ankle monitor, which he was wearing as a result of a February 2017 second-degree reckless endangerment conviction. McKay has additional pending indictments in other burglaries. [Newsday, 9/7/2018]

The Passing Parade

Known for his blond mullet and numerous social media rants, zoo owner Joe Exotic (real name: Joseph Maldonado-Passage) of Wynnewood, Oklahoma, has been cooling his heels in a Florida jail since his arrest Sept. 7 for allegedly attempting to hire two people in late 2017 to kill an unnamed woman. According to the Orlando Sentinel, one of those "killers" was an undercover FBI agent, and Exotic was indicted on federal murder-for-hire charges. It all started "many, many years" ago, said Carole Baskin of Big Cat Rescue in Tampa, who claims to be the "unnamed woman" Exotic was hoping to off. She said Exotic has threatened her repeatedly and posted online a video of himself shooting an effigy of Baskin in the head. Tangentially, Exotic was also a candidate in a three-way Libertarian primary run for governor in Oklahoma this summer. He finished third. [Orlando Sentinel, 9/10/2018]

Kimberel Eventide, 36, believes her purpose here on Earth is to help other humans become elves, just like herself. A resident of Illinois, Eventide identifies as a Pleiadian Starseed, an Otherkin who first realized she was an elf after reading and watching the "Lord of the Rings" series by J.R.R. Tolkien. She spends her time dressing as an elf in silk, velvet or nature-inspired clothing and pointed elf ears -- but she doesn't wear them all the time because "my own ears have a slight point to them." Eventide's husband supports her elfdom but "he does not understand it and does not watch many of my videos," she said. "I am an Elven spiritual teacher who offers personal Skype online sessions to help individual souls," she explained to the Daily Mail. Her mission, called "Projectelvenstar," is specifically to help humans transform themselves into High Elves -- "ears are optional but can become a byproduct of becoming extrasensory and hearing better over time." [Daily Mail, 8/29/2018]

Easy Marks

Three men in Westborough, Massachusetts, are out $306,000 after falling victim to a scam, MassLive.com reported on Aug. 29. Joseph Boakye, 31, of Worcester is one of two suspects wanted by Westborough police for allegedly selling 15 kilograms of counterfeit gold dust. In July, the victims met Boakye and his accomplice at an Extended Stay America hotel and tested the gold dust for authenticity. Apparently satisfied, they paid $26,000 in cash and transferred $280,000 into a Bank of America account, after which they received a locked Sentry safe that supposedly held the gold dust. Boakye told them they would get the combination to the safe after the transfer cleared. But two days later, when they were unable to open the safe, the victims called a locksmith. Inside -- shocking! -- was counterfeit gold. [MassLive.com, 8/29/2018]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Thieves in Roanoke County, Virginia, hit the same shoe store twice in July and August, according to the Roanoke Times, stealing shirts, hoodies, jackets -- and right shoes. Thirteen shoes meant for a right foot were taken from Clean Soles, where store operator Rob Wickham said he typically displays right shoes and keeps the mates behind the counter. They're "not much good unless you have two right feet," said Wickham. A 17-year-old suspect has been charged with the July break-in. [Roanoke Times, 8/30/2018]

-- A homeowner in Toluca Lake, California, looked at video from his surveillance camera late on Aug. 29 and saw a person on the property, but it wasn't until the next day, when he looked around for any damage, that a man was discovered stuck between a wall and a garage. KCAL TV reported that it took firefighters more than an hour to free the unnamed man, a suspect wanted in connection with a burglary the night before. Los Angeles police arrested him for trespassing as he was transported to the hospital with minor injuries. [KCAL, 8/30/2018]

Overreactions

-- Bryan Tucker of Sandston, Virginia, was FED UP TO HERE! with kids littering his lawn as they waited at the Henrico County school bus stop adjacent to his property. So on Sept. 4, he installed a battery-powered electric fence. "They don't respect other people's land," Tucker told WTVR TV. "I pick up trash every day." Officials informed him later that day that the fence was placed on county property, not his own, so Tucker took it down. But he still thinks the point was made: "The message has gotten across," Tucker said. "Parents are posting and talking about it." [WTVR, 9/4/2018]

-- Pavel Matveev, 15, of Mogochino village in the Tomsk region of Russia, apparently despairing of having lost a video game, was found in his yard Sept. 4 after committing suicide by decapitating himself with a chain saw. According to the Daily Mail, Russian media reported the teen's single mother had bought him a computer, at which he "spent hours," said one unnamed source. "This is what killed him." [Daily Mail, 9/4/2018]

-- Monica Walley of Holden Heights, Florida, wrote a negative online review Aug. 20 about the Daybreak Diner in Orlando, accusing the restaurant of refusing service to her disabled mother. The negative review didn't sit well with the diner owner's son, Michael Johnson, or his housemates, Jesse Martin and Norman Auvil, reported WFTV. That evening, as the three sat drinking beer, Martin looked up Walley's address, then they drove to her home, where Auvil, 42, shot three rounds into the house. "I actually could feel the air from the bullet as it passed by me," said Ken Walley, Monica's father. "I didn't think anybody was crazy enough to do something like this over something so small," Monica Walley said. Auvil was arrested Aug. 30 and charged with shooting into a dwelling, according to the Orange County Sheriff's Office. [WFTV, 8/31/2018]

Oops!

An Orlando, Florida, home will need more than roof repairs after a crane parked outside tipped over on Sept. 4, splitting the house in half so cleanly daylight could be seen through it. United Press International reported the roof was under construction when the machinery fell over, likely because the ground underneath it was wet, said Ivan Fogarty, corporate safety director for crane operator Beyel Brothers Crane & Rigging. No one was inside the home at the time, and no one on the roofing crew was injured, but the house has been declared unlivable. [UPI, 9/5/2018]

Fooled Ya!

University of Houston student Jehv M. looked at a blank wall in his local McDonald's and saw opportunity. Hoping to boost Asian representation in the burger chain's advertising, Jehv created a poster featuring himself and a friend touting McDonald's french fries. They bought used McDonald's uniforms at a thrift store as disguises, then boldly hung the poster in a Pearland, Texas, location as customers ordered and ate around them. United Press International reported that 51 days later, the poster still hung on the wall unnoticed, as shown in a photo on Jehv's Twitter feed. As of Sept. 4, it was not clear whether management at McDonald's knew of the poster's origins. [UPI, 9/4/2018]

Inexplicable

On Sept. 3, as an unnamed woman drove through Columbia Park, Washington, she witnessed a beaver being struck by a car. She stopped and tried to help the animal, wrapping it in a towel before going home to find a container to put it in. When she returned to the scene about 30 minutes later, YakTriNews reported, she found 35-year-old Richard Delp sexually assaulting the dying beaver. Unsurprisingly, Delp was also found to be in possession of methamphetamine; police charged him with possession and animal cruelty. The beaver didn't survive. [YakTriNews, 9/4/2018]

Questionable Judgment

Billy Warren Pierce Jr., 44, an inmate of the Pasco County (Florida) Jail, already awaiting trial on charges of capital sexual battery of a child, compounded his problems by trying to hire a fellow inmate to kill his victim and her family. WFTS reported the unnamed inmate told detectives Aug. 22 that Pierce offered him $9,000 and instructed him about how to get into the house, even suggesting using a gas line fed through a window as the murder method. Jail staff also obtained a contract signed by Pierce, detailing the targets of the killing and the agreed-upon price. When told on Sept. 4 he would be charged with solicitation of murder, Pierce objected, "But I haven't paid him any money yet." [WFTS, 9/4/2018]

Former English soccer star Gary Mabbutt, 57, traveled to South Africa in July to visit his daughter, who works at Kruger National Park, but it wasn't the exotic big game that left the most lasting impression on him. While he was sleeping, he later told the BBC, "... a rat has come into the bedroom, climbed into the bed and has decided to chew on my foot," which Mabbutt couldn't feel because he suffers from Type 1 diabetes and has little feeling in his foot. The rat "made quite a big hole in my toe, going down to the bone, and ate underneath my foot." Mabbutt was finally alerted to the rodent's presence when it bit his thumb and he saw his bloody foot. He flew back to the United Kingdom, where he underwent surgery and spent a week in the hospital. "All the opponents that I've played against," he said, "and I finally get taken out by a rat." [BBC, 8/27/2018]

Bright Ideas

-- The animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals in Maine is seeking state permission to construct a permanent memorial to the 4,500 or so lobsters that perished on Aug. 22 when a truck carrying them crashed in Brunswick. The monument, a 5-foot-tall granite tombstone, would "remind everyone that the best way to prevent such tragedies is to go vegan," said Danielle Katz, director of PETA. The proposed wording for the stone is: "In memory of the lobsters who suffered and died at this spot August 2018, Try Vegan, PETA" and would include a graphic of a lobster. Of course, Maine residents are possibly the least sympathetic about their crustacean counterparts: The Portland Press Herald reports that in 2017, 110 million pounds of lobster were harvested in the state. [Portland Press Herald, 8/29/2018]

-- Along with a nail salon, a massage parlor and a dry cleaner, a mall in Toronto, Canada, is now the site of North America's first sex doll brothel. Aura Dolls offers "an exciting new way" for patrons to achieve their desires "without the many restrictions and limitations that a real partner may come with," says the company's website. Marketing director Claire Lee told City News on Aug. 27 that customers "come in, they have their own room ... a TV monitor that plays adult entertainment and a doll ... will be ready and waiting for you." Lee also assures potential customers that the dolls will be cleaned after each customer using a three-step process. The company says it has had requests from women for male dolls and is considering adding them. [City News, 8/27/2018]

Harsh

Lifelong New York Knicks fan Evan Perlmutter, 33, finally hit the wall with his team. Fed up that the Knicks had been promising a better future for a decade, he told Bleacher Report, Perlmutter posted a listing on eBay to sell his fandom. In the description, he promised to root for the team of the auction winner's choosing and "burn no less than three articles of Knicks memorabilia." Sure enough, he got a bite: James Riedel, 23, of Orange County, California, paid $3,500 for Perlmutter's fandom on Aug. 24, converting Perlmutter into a Los Angeles Lakers fan. Perlmutter plans to attend a few Lakers games with Riedel and record his destruction of his Knicks gear for Riedel's YouTube channel. [Bleacher Report, 8/27/2018]

Awwwwwww!

A first date spent surfing in Santa Cruz, California, last October ended in an unconventional first kiss when 56-year-old Max Montgomery collapsed from a heart attack on the beach. His date, Andi Traynor, a 45-year-old anesthesiologist, leaped into action, performing CPR until paramedics arrived. Montgomery underwent bypass surgery the next day, and he assured Traynor that she was under no obligation to keep seeing him. "Who wants to date someone who just had a heart attack? But she told me she was not going anywhere," he told The Daily Mail on Aug. 29, and in fact, the two are still together, having sealed their relationship with a "real" kiss. [The Daily Mail, 8/29/2018]

Compelling Explanation

Colorado Springs resident Klete Keller engaged the services of a female dog-sitter through an app called Wag! for his pet, Jimbo. But Keller's tail was not wagging when he returned home early the morning of Aug. 27 to find two shirtless men sitting on his couch and "an open bottle of personal lubricant and a camcorder on the end table," Keller told Fox 21 News, "so it's pretty self-explanatory what was going on." When reached for comment, the unnamed dog-sitter said her keys were stuck in her car and she "didn't have WD-40 ... so I ended up grabbing what I had in my car, for things, that you know, I do on my personal time." But Keller also noticed what he suspected was "bodily fluids" on the couch and said Jimbo was locked in a bedroom, sitting in his own urine and acting terrified. "It was just, just a total mess and I can only imagine what poor Jimbo saw in there," Keller said. The sitter did admit that she shouldn't have invited guests over, but it's a good bet her former 4.96 out of 5 rating on Wag! is going to take a hit. [Fox 21 News, 8/29/2018]

Government in Action

This summer, a few of Ryk Edelstein's friends in Montreal, Canada, had their requests for vanity license plates turned down for being "offensive." "I found it mind-boggling that innocent-sounding family names or place names were being rejected," Edelstein told the Montreal Gazette. So he decided to order his own vanity plate, requesting the word SMEGMA, which he was certain the Societe de l'assurance automobile du Quebec (SAAQ), which issues the plates, would check, "and in a million years it would never be approved." But it took SAAQ less than 24 hours to approve the request and issue its congratulations to Edelstein, who now sports the plate on his car. He reports that his wife thought it was funny at first, but now she is "none too pleased about this plate." [Montreal Gazette, 8/30/2018]

The Entrepreneurial Spirit

William Parrish Jr., 32, and McKenzee Dobbs, 20, of Ocala, Florida, were just trying to better accommodate their customers when they turned the kitchen window of their mobile home into a drive-thru for heroin addicts. They also installed helpful directional signs and even had a "Closed, Please Call Again" sign alerting buyers when they'd next be open. Ocala police officers who raided the trailer on Aug. 23 were tipped off by a number of overdoses happening nearby: "We were able to determine that the product was laced with fentanyl," police Capt. Steven Cuppy told WFTV. Parrish and Dobbs told Ocala police they thought a drive-thru would be less noticeable than people regularly going in and out of the home. [WFTV, 8/31/2018]

Questionable Judgment

Toms River, New Jersey, police are hoping the public can lend them a hand in finding a lost item. Ronald Vanarsdale, 36, of Toms River was drag racing on his motorcycle just after midnight on Aug. 30 when he crashed, sending the bike more than 760 feet from the crash site and hurling Vanarsdale 300 feet through the air, severing his right arm just below the bicep. NJ.com reported police Sgt. Ed Mooney applied a tourniquet to Vanarsdale's arm at the scene, and he later underwent surgery at Jersey Shore University Medical Center in Neptune. Toms River police, though, could not locate the severed limb and asked the public's help in locating it. [NJ.com, 8/30/2018]