Social media have given us the dubious opportunity to document all manner of celebratory, mournful, hilarious and contemplative events. And so they have opened the door to fame for "Paul Flart" (real name: Doug), a 31-year-old hospital security guard who took to Instagram in March to share with the world his "sphincter sirens." Flart spent a lot of time sitting around at the front desk with nothing to do, but, he noticed, "The lobby has really great acoustics, and naturally, we all fart. One day I ripped a rather nice one and got really good sound from it, so the next time it happened I recorded it and sent it to my group chat." Those lucky friends encouraged him to go viral and helped him choose his Insta handle, Paul Flart. Today, he's racked up more than 20,000 followers, according to Vice. Unfortunately, hospital management isn't among them, and on Aug. 23, Flart was fired from his job. But he's not deflated; he plans to expand his reach: "We can do Paul Flart on vacation, you know, throw in like a Hawaiian shirt and a hat ... and then just fart around Florida." [Vice, 8/23/2018]

Government in Action

The public works department in San Francisco gets, on average, 65 calls EVERY DAY with complaints about feces on the sidewalk. Public works director Mohammed Nuru and the city's mayor, London Breed, put their heads together and came up with a solution: the Poop Patrol. In mid-September, five public works employees with a steam cleaner will begin scouring poop "hot spots," such as the Civic Center, Tenderloin and South of Market neighborhoods, during the afternoons to clean up what nature has left behind. (Another team also cleans overnight.) Officials told the San Francisco Chronicle that the waste comes from dogs and people, and the mayor recently allotted about $1 million for new public restrooms. "I just want the city to be clean," Mayor Breed said, "and I want to make sure we're providing the resources so that it can be." [San Francisco Chronicle, 8/14/2018]

Bright Idea

-- As his trial got underway on Aug. 22, Chinese University of Hong Kong associate professor Khaw Kim-sun pleaded not guilty to a breathtaking murder plot. Prosecutors say that in 2015, Khaw filled a yoga ball with carbon monoxide, then left it in the trunk of his wife's car, where it slowly leaked the noxious gas and killed his wife and their 16-year-old daughter. The BBC reported that Khaw was angry because his wife wouldn't divorce him so that he could be with a student with whom he was having an affair. When colleagues caught Khaw filling the ball, he said he was going to use it to kill rabbits, but in his statement to police, he said the gas was to kill rats in his home. He is charged with two counts of murder. [BBC, 8/23/2018]

-- Jeffrey Tomerlin, 45, was charged with assault on Aug. 19 after he hurled a soft, fluffy, edible weapon at his ex-girlfriend. When Tomerlin saw his ex in a car with her new boyfriend, he walked up to her window and threw a biscuit at her face. He also charged the car, banging on it and saying he would kill them, reported WKRN, earning additional charges of public intoxication and vandalism. It was not clear whether the biscuit damaged the ex-girlfriend's face. [WKRN, 8/21/2018]

Florida. Says It All

On Aug. 20, the Miami Herald endorsed Republican Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera, who was running to replace Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen to represent a district that includes parts of Miami and Miami Beach. (She lost her primary bid on Aug. 28.) Rodriguez Aguilera has been a city official and a business executive, the Herald noted, but conceded, "We realize that Rodriguez Aguilera is an unusual candidate." Before she was a candidate, Rodriguez Aguilera appeared on Spanish-language television programs to talk about her experience of being abducted by aliens when she was 7 years old. Three beings, two women and a man who reminded her of Jesus Christ, spoke to her "telepathically" and took her aboard their spaceship. Inside, she saw "round seats that were there, and some quartz rocks that controlled the ship," and she said she has communicated with them several times since then. However, editorial page editor Nancy Ancrum didn't think Rodriguez Aguilera's beliefs or past experiences compromised her as an effective public servant. "Here's why we chose her: She's not crazy," Ancrum told The Washington Post. "I don't think we went off the rails here." [Washington Post, 8/20/2018]

Owwww!

Mohamad Zayid Abdihdy, 24, declared that he's "going back to hookah" after a fiery incident on Aug. 25 involving his e-cigarette. The cellphone store worker was in an HDTV Outlet store in Anaheim, California, buying a new television when the smoking device exploded in his pants pocket. "The gentleman, he is running ... and he is screaming and yelling," store manager Antelmolare Guzman told NBC4. "Apparently, all of his right leg was completely burnt all the way down. Part of his private parts were also kind of affected." While Abdihdy ran to the restroom to see to his burns, Guzman put out the still-flaming e-cig on the store's floor. Abdihdy, who did not go to the hospital, said he still can't walk on his leg. [NBC4, 8/28/2018]

The Meth Made Me Do It

Mason Tackett of Floyd County, Kentucky, told WYMT that neighbors called him on Aug. 26 to say his cousin, Phillip Hagans, was carrying items out of Tackett's house. When Tackett returned home, he said, "It looked like he was packing up for a yard sale when he come out." Hagans was "lying, throwing his hands, saying stuff like, 'I didn't do it. I didn't do it.' ... He did pull a gun on me," Tackett said. But what he really couldn't understand was Hagans' choice of items to steal: a cheese grater, an empty Lysol bottle and soap. "Who steals a cheese grater?" Tackett asked. "He stole my soap. Who steals soap? ... Must have been a bad batch (of methamphetamine) around here 'cause Floyd County has gone crazy in the last four days." Hagans was charged with receiving stolen property and being a convicted felon with a firearm. [WYMT, 8/26/2018]

Sorry You Missed It

At least one competitor dressed up as Donald Trump at the World Gravy Wrestling Championships in Lancashire, England, on Aug. 27. As grapplers slipped and slid in the slimy mess, even the referee got toppled a few times. United Press International reported that both men and women participated to support the East Lancashire Hospice. [UPI, 8/27/2018]

Extreme Measures

A man named Tang from Sichuan Province, China, promised his girlfriend, Yang, that he would buy an expensive luxury car for her. The only problem was that he didn't have the money. So he cooked up a scheme, inviting Yang and her brothers to the Chengdu car dealership on Aug. 16, where he had allegedly put down a 10,000 yuan payment. Tang asked the group to wait there while he went to get the cash, but instead, according to Shanghaiist, he went to a supermarket and bought a fruit knife. Outside, he found a secluded spot and cut up his own arms, then called Yang and said he had been robbed at knifepoint of the 750,000 yuan he had supposedly withdrawn for the car. While her brothers took Tang to the hospital, Yang waited for police, who eventually excised the story from Tang. He was sentenced to 10 days in jail and a 500 yuan fine. [Shanghaiist, 8/23/2018]

In Plymouth, Massachusetts, on Aug. 17, a friendly game at Southers Marsh Golf Club turned ugly when Derek Harkins, 46, and an unnamed 57-year-old man got into a brawl on the 18th hole. But you gotta hand it to Harkins: The Patriot Ledger reported that he pointedly ended the fight by biting off the other man's finger up to the knuckle, according to Plymouth Police Chief Michael Botieri. The victim, from Marshfield, was taken to the hospital, but his finger could not be reattached. Harkins was arrested at the scene and charged with assault and battery, mayhem and disturbing the peace. [Patriot-Ledger, 8/19/2018]

Undignified Death

The happiest place on Earth couldn't work its magic on Aug. 15 when a worker at nearby Harvest Power fell into a vat of oil and grease from Walt Disney World. The plant in Lake Buena Vista, Florida, recycles the resort's food waste, then converts it into renewable energy and fertilizer. John Korody, 61, and another worker were emptying the contents of a semitruck into a vat when Korody slipped on a grate and fell into the vat. His co-worker tried to pull him out, but the fumes overtook them both, and Korody slid farther in, according to The Washington Post. The Reedy Creek Fire Department responded, but Korody was pronounced dead at the scene. [The Washington Post, 8/16/2018]

Smooth Reaction

Debbie L. McCulley, 57, of Salem, Virginia, has been banned from all future Floyd County High School sporting events but, on the bright side, her indecent exposure case may eventually be dropped, following an incident area lawyers are calling "moon over Floyd." McCulley's husband, Mark, is the JV softball coach for Glenvar High School, and the charges resulted from Debbie's unusual reaction to her husband's team's loss to Floyd County in May. She "stood on or close to the pitcher's mound and pulled down her pants with her right hand to expose her right butt cheek," according to Floyd County Sheriff's Deputy G.H. Scott. But Debbie told the officer that her husband had confronted the opposing coach after the game, and she was afraid he would be "attacked," so she was trying to divert attention from the two men. The Roanoke Times reported that Debbie wrote a letter of apology and will be performing community service. Chris Robinson of the Virginia High School League noted that crowd behavior at games is "probably leaning a little bit in the wrong direction." [Roanoke Times, 8/17/2018]

Weird Science

United Press International reported that a 42-year-old British woman saw her eye doctor after experiencing swelling and drooping of her eyelid earlier this year. After performing an MRI, doctors discovered a cyst and performed surgery, during which they found a hard contact lens embedded in the eyelid. It turns out that the patient had suffered a blow to the eye 28 years ago and had assumed the lens fell out. She experienced no symptoms until the recent discomfort. [UPI, 8/16/2018]

Annoying

-- After 16 years, neighbors of "Eva N." in Sturovo, Slovakia, have gotten relief from her particular brand of torment, reported the BBC. From morning until night, the woman had played a four-minute aria from Giuseppe Verdi's "La Traviata" over and over, with her speakers on full blast. "The whole street is suffering," complained one resident. At first, the music-lover played the music to drown out a neighbor's barking dog, but continued the practice until Aug. 6, when she was arrested for harassment and malicious persecution. If found guilty, she could face between six months and three years in prison. [BBC, 8/9/2018]

-- A pothole in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, got a new life as a vegetable garden this summer after area residents grew weary of waiting for the city to repair it. The hole, which is several feet deep, had been expanding for months, neighbors said. So they filled it with tomato plants, which are now ripening and getting so tall they require wire cages for support. Now, "It's sort of, like, become the community garden," resident Bryan Link told CBC Radio. Finally, Mayor John Tory has agreed to not only fill the pothole, but to move the tomato plants to a community garden. [CBC Radio, 8/16/2018]

Unexpected Hazard

An unnamed Irish teenager's hiking outing became fodder for any number of bad punsters after the boy was hit by a falling sheep while walking in Northern Ireland's Mourne Mountains. The sheep fell from a crag on Aug. 17 and landed on the boy, who was treated for potential injuries to his head, neck, back, abdomen and leg. "It is believed the sheep was uninjured and left the scene unaided," reported Metro News. Punny comments on a social media post made by the Mourne Mountain Rescue Team included: "Mutton been looking where he was going, I bet he's feeling a little sheepish now" and "Ewe want to be careful on the mountains!!" [Metro News, 8/19/2018]

Inexplicable

On an Aug. 17 flight between Chicago and Narita International Airport in Tokyo, a 24-year-old American man, who was reportedly unprovoked, urinated on a 50-year-old Japanese man sitting two rows behind him. The younger man had consumed at least four glasses of champagne and one cup of sake before the incident, police told Japan Today, and claimed not to remember what he had done. He was restrained aboard the remainder of the flight and turned over to police in Tokyo. [Japan Today, 8/19/2018]

Oops

Pennsylvania State Police told Lehigh Valley Live that Evan T. Kasick, 52, of Upper Milford Township, was injured on Aug. 16 when he wrecked his motorcycle -- in his own driveway. Kasick sped into his driveway around 7:30 p.m. and struck a concrete barrier, causing him to be thrown from the Honda bike. He was taken to an area hospital with undisclosed injuries, and police issued a ticket for driving at an unsafe speed. In his driveway. [Lehigh Valley Live, 8/19/2018]

Compelling Explanation

Near Mason City, Iowa, on Aug. 20, the Iowa State Patrol pulled over a Ferrari 488 Spider that was clocked going 137 mph during a rainstorm. "Not a great idea to drive this fast in the rain," the trooper posted on Facebook with a photo of the radar readout. The unnamed driver, however, wasn't fazed; she thought she was going "around 100." Fox News reported that if ticketed in a 70-mph zone (the highest speed limit in Iowa), her fine would be $335. [Fox News, 8/21/2018]

Superpowers

-- Phoenix teenager Josiah Wiedman, 13, was walking home through a park in early August with a friend when he was struck by lightning, "sending me 9 feet into the air, making me bounce on my head and then flip over to my back," he told ABC News. Afterward, doctors put Josiah into a medically induced coma for three days, and when he came to, he made a speedy recovery. His mother, who didn't expect her son to survive, dubbed him "Superman" -- and indeed, Josiah said he's waiting for his special powers to kick in. "I haven't felt my powers yet, but I will soon," he said. [ABC News, 8/17/2018]

-- Moses Lanham, 57, fell 18 feet from a rope in gym class when he was 14 years old. As a result, the Michigan man is now known as "Mr. Elastic." Lanham has double cartilage and extra tissue in his knee joints, hips and ankles, which makes it possible for him to turn his feet 180 degrees backward and walk. In fact, he tells Metro News, walking with his feet pointed behind him is more comfortable than walking normally. "I've heard one other (person) can turn his feet, but not walk," Lanham said of his fame. "When I perform this in front of people, I love the reactions," he said. "One time, I actually had a person throw up after I turned my feet around." [Metro News, 8/21/2018]

Retirees Marli and Paulo Ciquinel of Meleiro in southern Brazil discovered a fetishist's dream in the vegetable garden behind their home: a 17 1/2-pound potato that has grown into the shape of a huge human foot (with six toes). The "toes" descend in size, much as human toes do, and the largest has roots that look like hair. The "foot" portion of the tuber reaches up almost to knee-height. Marli told the Mirror, "We have never seen anything like it." Paulo said he was "a little bit scared when we harvested that potato." The couple don't plan to eat it. [Mirror, 8/9/2018]

Irony

Tania Singer, 48, a renowned neuroscientist who is one of the world's top researchers on human empathy, has been accused by co-workers of being ... a bully. "Whenever anyone had a meeting with her, there was at least an even chance they would come out in tears," one colleague told Science magazine. Others said the daily working environment included threats and emotional abuse, The Washington Post reported on Aug. 12. For her part, Singer denied the most serious charges and said, "(T)he workload and pressure increasing led to stress and strain that in turn sometimes caused inadequate communication with my staff in problem situations." The Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Leipzig, Germany, where Singer has her lab, granted Singer a sabbatical in 2017 and said in a statement that when she returns, "it is envisioned that Prof. Singer will head, at her own request, a considerably smaller working group for social neuroscience." [The Washington Post, 8/12/2018]

Bold

In Columbus, Ohio, workers repairing a street on Aug. 8 hit an unmarked water main, causing homes along the road to lose water. One man couldn't be deterred from finishing his shower, though: WCMH TV reported that after screaming from his porch, "I was in the f------- shower!" the unidentified resident finished his morning toilette on the street, in the geyser from the pipe. Facebook user Cody Vickers took a picture of two astonished crewmembers as Mr. Clean rinsed off nearby. [WCMH TV, 8/8/2018]

Solving the Wrong Problem?

In Paris, the designer of a recently installed "urinoir," a sidewalk urinal, on the Ile Saint-Louis, says the new device offers "an eco solution to public peeing." But Reuters reports that nearby residents and business owners are unhappy about the urinals, saying they are "immodest and ugly" and will "incite exhibitionism." The "Uritrottoir," a mashup of the French words for urinal and sidewalk, looks much like a plastic trash receptacle, and local mayor Ariel Weil says they're necessary: "If we don't do anything, then men are just going to pee in the streets." [Reuters, 8/13/2018]

Oops!

Colorado Mesa University in Grand Junction, Colorado, is footing the bill for a possible $46,000 reprint job after a recent graduate found a typo on his diploma. Alec Williams, former editor of the school's newspaper, was examining his sheepskin when he found a line reading "Coard of Trustees," instead of "Board of Trustees" under one of the signatures. "There was this moment of laughing at it ... and the more I thought about it, the more frustrated I got, because I'm sitting on $30,000 worth of debt and they can't take the time to use spellcheck," he said. CMU President Tim Foster told The Grand Junction Daily Sentinel that the school will send out corrected diplomas to 2018 grads -- but the typo goes back to 2012 diplomas. Those graduates can request a new diploma if they want to. "This mistake is all ours," he said. [The Daily Sentinel, 8/9/2018]

Step Aside, Cat Ladies

Agents of Columbus (Ohio) Humane executed a warrant on a home in the Clintonville neighborhood on Aug. 14 in response to complaints about birds inhabiting the home. Columbus Humane CEO Rachel Finney told The Columbus Dispatch that concerns about the birds' well-being were warranted: Officials found more than 600 birds inside, including macaws, African gray parrots, Amazon parrots and other species. "It's pretty overwhelming to step into the house," Finney said. Removal took all day, and Columbus Humane was undertaking the task of examining each bird from beak to tail. Finney said the agency would decide which birds might be adoptable after assessments are complete. As for the owner, she said, "We're confident we'll have charges; it's just a matter of which charges and how many." [Columbus Dispatch, 8/14/2018]

Ewwww!

Dr. Jay Curt Stager and his colleagues, researchers at Paul Smith's College, have released results from a study showing that Walden Pond, made famous by naturalist Henry David Thoreau in the mid-1800s, is an ecological disaster, thanks to human urine. The pond was declared a National Historic Landmark in 1962, and the site in Concord, Massachusetts, draws hordes of tourists each year. But NBC News reports that swimmers urinating in the water for generations is the most likely cause of high levels of nitrogen and phosphorus in the pond that cause algae to spread and block the sun's rays, devastating the fish population. The study authors suggest building a swimming pool nearby to take pressure off the pond. Here's an idea: More restrooms? [NBC News, 4/6/2018]

Obsession

Chen San-yuan, 69, of New Taipei City, Taiwan, has taken his gaming obsession to another level. "Uncle Pokemon," as the Feng Shui master is known around town, has mounted 11 smartphones on the handlebars of his bicycle so that he can better play Pokemon Go. United Press International reported that Chen sometimes stays out until 4 a.m. playing the virtual game. His habit costs him $1,300 per month, but he's not daunted: He hopes to expand his phone lineup to 15. [UPI, 8/9/2018]

Animal Antics

-- German police took a baby squirrel into custody on Aug. 9 following an incident in which it chased a grown man down the street. The Guardian reported that an unnamed man summoned Karlsruhe police when he could not shake the tiny squirrel. But when officers arrived, the squirrel suddenly lay down and went to sleep. Officers felt sorry for the exhausted little rodent, who apparently had been separated from its mom and was looking for a replacement in the terrified man. Police named their new mascot Karl-Friedrich, then took him to an animal rescue center, where he was doing very well. (UPDATE: Workers at the rescue center later determined the squirrel was a girl and renamed her Pippilotta. They expect to return her to the wild in September.) [The Guardian, 8/10/2018]

-- At the Puy de Fou historical theme park in Vendee, France, cleaning up litter is always a problem. But less so now that six "particularly intelligent" crows are being trained to pick up litter, according to Sky News. Nicolas de Villiers, president of the park, said that each time a crow drops a cigarette butt or piece of trash into a bin, it will be rewarded with a small nugget of food. The birds were set to begin their duties on Aug. 17. [Sky News, 8/11/2018]

Extreme Measures

Your city may not have the dubious pleasure of pay-per-minute electric scooters yet, but in some places, the handy people transports have overstayed their welcome. The Los Angeles Times reported on Aug. 10 that angry residents are throwing Bird scooters off balconies, heaving them into the ocean, stuffing them in trashcans and setting them afire. Robert Johnson Bey, a Venice Beach maintenance worker, said: "Sunday, I was finding kickstands everywhere. Looked like they were snapped off." What's worse, the perpetrators are documenting their destruction on social media; Instagram has a Bird Graveyard account devoted to chronicles of scooter desecration. Culver City resident Hassan Galedary, 32, has a visceral reaction to the scooters: "I hate Birds more than anyone," he said. "They suck. People who ride them suck." However, he has stopped defacing them: "I can't put bad energy into the world. I don't even kick them over anymore." [LA Times, 8/10/2018]