Ninety-six-year-old Barney Smith of Alamo Heights, Texas, is known around those parts as the King of the Commode for his life's work: more than 1,300 decorated toilet seats, all displayed in the retired master plumber's Toilet Seat Art Museum. But now, he concedes, it's time to put a lid on it: "I'm beginning to feel like I'd rather be in an air-conditioned home in a chair, looking at a good program," Smith, who is bent with arthritis and uses a cane, told the Associated Press on May 22. Inside the metal-garage museum the collection includes toilet lids decorated with a chunk of the Berlin Wall, a piece of insulation from the Space Shuttle Challenger, Pez dispensers and flint arrowheads, along with the toilet lid from the airplane that carried Aristotle Onassis' body back to Greece after his death. Smith told his wife, Louise, that he would stop at 500 pieces, but that was 850 lids ago. "If I would have just read my Bible as many hours as I spent on my toilet seats, I'd be a better man," Smith said. Louise died in 2014, and Smith took a fall recently and broke some ribs. Now he's looking for someone who will keep the museum intact: "This is my life's history here." [The Associated Press, 5/22/2018]

Precocious

On May 20, as a handful of adults enjoyed the swings at Angel Park in southwest Atlanta, two children walked up and asked to use the swing set. The adults agreed and started to walk away, reported The (Macon, Georgia) Telegraph, when the boys, about 6 and 12 years old, pulled out rocks the size of baseballs and what appeared to be a black handgun. They threw the rocks, hitting one man on the calf and causing an abrasion, according to Atlanta police. The older boy held the gun and pointed it at the adults, who ran away as the boys ran in the opposite direction. Earlier in May, two children were reported for an alleged armed carjacking in the same neighborhood. [The Telegraph, 5/21/2018]

Compelling Explanation

Claiming the shooting was an accident, Angelo Russo, 55, told police in Tatura, Victoria, Australia, he tripped over an eggplant during a dispute with a man who had run over his dog, which caused the gun Russo was carrying to go off, striking David Calandro in the head and killing him. Calandro and a friend had gone to Russo's farm on Feb. 18, 2017, to buy some chilies, 9News reported, but as he drove away, Russo's dog, Harry, began barking and chasing the vehicle. Calandro swerved toward the dog to "spook him," the friend told a Victorian Supreme Court jury on May 23, but swerved too far, running over the dog instead. Russo pleaded guilty to manslaughter on May 25. [9News, 5/23/2018]

Oops!

Pesky weeds around his garage caused a Springfield Township, Ohio, resident to resort to extreme measures: The unnamed homeowner tried to eliminate them with a torch, and instead set the garage on fire. Firefighters were called to the scene at 4 a.m. on May 24, where they found the detached garage "fully involved," according to the Springfield News-Sun. The structure was a total loss, including tools and appliances inside, valued at $10,000 to $15,000. [Springfield News-Sun, 5/24/2018]

Crime Report

-- Three men were arrested on May 20 after stealing a 25-foot-long shed from a foreclosed property in Lebanon, Maine, and dragging it down the street behind their pickup truck, according to the Portland Press Herald. Matthew Thompson of Lebanon, Timothy James of Pembroke, New Hampshire, and Robert Breton of Milton, New Hampshire, were spotted in the act by a concerned citizen, who alerted Maine State Police. In addition, Thompson was found to have crystal meth and prescription pills that were not prescribed to him. All three were taken to the York County Jail and held on $5,000 bail. [Portland Press Herald, 5/22/2018]

-- Patrick Gillis, 18, a senior at Highlands High School and a volunteer firefighter for the Pioneer Hose Fire Department in Brackenridge, Pennsylvania, told police he "just wanted to respond to a fire" on May 21, when he was arrested for starting a blaze in a vacant duplex where he used to live. The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported that witnesses told investigators Gillis was seen at the home before the fire started, then returned as a firefighter to help put it out. He admitted to setting a piece of paper on fire and putting it in the microwave, then leaving. The Allegheny County Fire Marshal's Office estimated damage at $150,000, and Gillis was charged with arson. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, 5/22/2018]

Bright Ideas

-- Toronto police constables Vittorio Dominelli, 36, and Jamie Young, 35, had to call for backup in January during a raid on a marijuana dispensary after allegedly sampling some of the evidence. CTV News reported the officers called for help after they began hallucinating, one eventually climbing a tree. In a May 23 press release, Toronto police announced the two officers had been suspended and now face criminal charges in the incident.

[CTV News, 5/23/2018]

-- A senior prank went unexpectedly wrong for high school student Kylan Scheele, 18, of Independence, Missouri, when he was slapped with a three-day suspension on May 23 and barred from participating in graduation after putting his high school up for sale on Craigslist. Scheele said it was meant to be a joke. "Other people were going to release live mice ... I thought, let's do something more laid back," he told Fox 4. The ad for Truman High School listed attractive amenities such as newly built athletic fields, lots of parking and a "bigger than normal dining room." A lawsuit filed against the school district by the ACLU of Missouri failed to reduce the punishment. [Fox 4, 5/23/2018]

Still Creepy

Before Chuck E. Cheese was a thing, it was ShowBiz Pizza, complete with the Rock-afire Explosion Band, an animatronic combo that is still the stuff of nightmares. On May 24, the Rock-afire Explosion Band was reunited at a new arcade bar in Kansas City, Missouri, also called Rock-afire. The band's inventor, Aaron Fechter of Creative Engineering in Orlando, Florida, refurbished the band members with new masks, skin and costumes, and the playlist is set to include old standards as well as more contemporary hits. Bar owner James Bond was a huge fan of the band as a child: "You didn't know whether they were fake or real," he told The Kansas City Star. [Kansas City Star, 5/23/2018]

Least Competent Criminal

Rowdy Lapham, owner of Old to Gold Hardwood Floors in Grand Rapids, Michigan, arrived at work May 21 to find that someone had broken in. Surveillance footage showed that around 2 a.m. the day before, a burglar had thrown a rock through his store window, apparently tempted by the "gold" bars stacked in the window. Unfortunately for the thief, the bars are promotional items made of foam rubber and stamped with the store's logo, reported WZZM TV. The squeezable bars are meant for stress relief, employee Nick Butler said, supporting the company's motto of "stress-free flooring. ... I think this falls under you can't fix stupid." [WZZM, 5/23/2018]

In Charleston, South Carolina, Cara Koscinski and her whole family were looking forward to her son Jacob's May 19 graduation party. The Post and Courier reported he had excelled in his Christian-based homeschool program, earning a 4.79 GPA and the summa cum laude distinction, an honor Koscinski included in the wording on the cake she ordered online from her local Publix store. When the software informed her "profane/special characters (are) not allowed," Koscinski made clear that phrase was Latin, meaning "with the highest distinction," and even included a link to a website explaining it. Still, when the cake arrived, it read: "Congratulations Jacob! Summa --- laude Class of 2018." Jacob was embarrassed, and Koscinski had to tell her 70-year-old mother why the store had censored the word. Publix offered to remake the cake, but as Koscinski noted, "You only graduate once." [Post and Courier, 5/22/2018]

Ironies

Police officers in North Ridgeville, Ohio, were sure the man who called them at 5:26 a.m. on May 19 to report being followed by a pig was impaired and hallucinating. But sure enough, the Associated Press reported, officers on the scene found a completely sober man, walking home from the Elyria Amtrak station with a pig trailing behind him. The department's Facebook page reported that Patrolman Kuduzovic wrangled the oinker into the back seat of his cruiser and later secured it in the station's dog kennels, where the owner later retrieved it. "Also," the post noted, "we will mention the irony of the pig in a police car now so that anyone that thinks they're funny is actually unoriginal and trying too hard." Touche. [Associated Press, 5/21/2018]

Oops!

-- Lyons, New York, resident Jesse Graham, 53, must have been surprised when deputies of the Wayne County Sheriff's Department appeared at his door on May 11. WHEC TV reported that Graham, a fugitive wanted by the Mooresville (North Carolina) Police Department, had apparently accidentally dialed 911, summoning the deputies himself. Graham was charged with being a fugitive from justice and possession of marijuana, and he awaits extradition to North Carolina. [WHEC, 5/12/2018]

-- In Lawrence, Kansas, architecture students designed a new bike rack for the Prairie Acre Ribbon Classroom, the first outdoor classroom at the University of Kansas. The metal rack features the letters P-A-R-C, but viewed from another vantage point, they spell C-R-A-P. Social media lit up after a photo was posted May 13, including, "It'll make a fine bike rack. Crap a diem!" Project PARC KU responded: "The photograph shown is not the intended vantage point, nor is it the message of our project," but at press time, the university had not announced any action, according to the Wichita Eagle-Beacon. [Wichita Eagle-Beacon, 5/21/2018]

Anger Management

-- Frustration with the cable company boiled over in Ridgewood, New Jersey, on May 7, when a dispute between an Optimum employee and a woman left the cable worker stranded on high. While the employee was in an elevated bucket working on lines, northjersey.com reported, a 59-year-old woman turned off the truck and "took utility property" before walking away, making it impossible for the worker to lower the bucket. Ridgeview police charged the woman with harassment, false imprisonment, disorderly conduct and criminal trespassing. [northjersey.com, 5/10/2018]

-- Dymund Ellis, 19, was charged with stabbing and killing her roommate, Jace Trevon Ernst, 25, in North Las Vegas, Nevada, after a May 4 argument. According to North Las Vegas Police, Ellis became upset after Ernst repeatedly talked while she tried to watch a TV show, telling him to "shut up." When he responded with an expletive, she went to the kitchen for a knife, reported Fox News. Police said Ellis had threatened Ernst with a knife about 10 times in the last couple of months, but he had been able to get the knife away from her. Ellis told an officer that "she has anger problems and she just got extremely upset tonight." [Fox News, 5/15/2018]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Comrades in arms Mike Mulligan, Michael Martin and Emma St. Claire made the mistake of leaving their burglary booty visible in their car in Nevada City, California. So on May 16, when they were stopped by a Grass Valley Police officer, the prosthetic arm officers spotted pointed the finger at them as the perpetrators of a Nevada County home burglary the previous week. On its Facebook page, the Nevada County Sheriff's office described the limb as "the exact arm that was stolen in the burglary." All three were booked into the Wayne Brown Correctional Facility in Nevada City, Fox News reported, and the arm has been returned to a "very appreciative owner." [Fox News, [5/21/2018]

-- Deputy Henry Guzman with the Broward County Sheriff's Office in Florida made his first mistake when he shoplifted -- three days in a row -- from a Lauderdale Lakes Walmart. His second, and perhaps more devastating, mistake was wearing his uniform while doing so. Guzman, a 13-year veteran of the department, stole DVDs and "Star Wars" action figures valued at about $200, WSVN reported. He was arrested on May 21 and charged with three misdemeanor counts of petty theft. [WSVN, 5/21/2018]

What a Crock!

As it negotiated a roundabout in Paisley, Renfrewshire, Scotland, a dump truck filled with manure lost its balance on May 21 and tipped over, spilling its load onto a Peugot 208 with the driver inside. A witness said he "couldn't believe anyone got out alive," but the male driver was able to crawl through the pile of excrement and was unhurt, if stinky, Metro News reported. The car, however, "was crushed," according to a Police Scotland spokesman. [Metro News, 5/22/2018]

Government in Action

Lake Worth, Florida, residents where startled to receive a power outage alert on May 20 that also warned of a "zombie alert for residents of Lake Worth and Terminus," a possible reference to a city in the TV show "The Walking Dead," reported by the Palm Beach Post. "There are now far less than 7,380 customers involved due to extreme zombie activity," the message continued. "We are looking into reports that the system mentioned zombies," city communications specialist Ben Kerr said. "I want to reiterate that Lake Worth does not have any zombie activity currently and apologize for the system message." [Palm Beach Post, 5/22/2018]

The Naked Truth

In Huntsville, Arkansas, police responded to a call at 4 a.m. on May 21 from a homeowner who said a tattooed man was ringing his doorbell. The man left, but police identified him from the security video as Robert Conn, 31, and soon caught up with him after a motorist on nearby Huntsville Bridge reported seeing a naked man lying facedown in the road. When police arrived, they told KFSM TV, Conn was talking to himself and acting as if being naked in public was normal. He was charged with disorderly conduct. [KFSM, 5/21/2018]

On May 1, as airmen of the 91st Missile Wing Security Forces traversed the gravel back roads of North Dakota between two of the nuclear missile launch sites they are charged with protecting, the back hatch of their truck fell open, allowing a 42-pound metal box of explosive grenade rounds to fall out. Despite deploying more than 100 airmen to walk the entire 6-mile route the team had driven, The Washington Post reported on May 15, the ammunition still hadn't been found. The Air Force's Office of Special Investigations has offered a $5,000 reward for information leading to the recovery of the box and has alerted local farmers and oil field vendors in the area that the box could be dangerous if damaged. [The Washington Post, 5/15/2018]

Animal Antics

-- In Lodi, California, a small black cat took up residence on May 11 on a high ledge near the large outdoor sign of a Chili's restaurant and thwarted attempts by management, who self-identified as "cat people," to be rescued. As customers took pictures, Restaurant Cat, as it came to be known, stared down calmly, KTXL TV reported. But when Chili's employees used a ladder to try to reach it, the cat climbed behind the neon chili pepper and wouldn't come out, so they left food and water. Presumably it's keeping the pigeons away. [Fox40 TV, 5/13/2018]

-- Meanwhile, in Perth, Australia, another restaurant has taken a novel approach to a different animal problem: Customers at Hillary's 3Sheets are being offered water guns to shoot at seagulls, which have been ruining diners' waterfront meals. "It was bad," owner Toby Evans told Nine Network television on May 16, admitting the idea was "a desperate measure. Before, they'd wait until customers had finished and got up, but now they're getting cheekier and cheekier." Customers are on board, saying the pistols are working. (Maybe they need a Restaurant Cat of their own.) [Nine Network, 5/16/2018]

But, Why?

-- Making good on his promise, Welshman Mark Williams, 43, celebrated his third world snooker championship by conducting the post-match news conference at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield, England, in the buff. Williams, who beat John Higgins of Scotland on May 7, is the event's oldest winner in 40 years, Reuters noted. "I'm not going to say anything stupid ... but to be honest if I won this next year, I'd cartwheel down here naked," Williams promised. [Reuters, 5/8/2018]

-- The Daytona Beach International Airport was briefly evacuated early on May 11 when John Greenwood, 25, caused a ruckus as he rode around the baggage carousel in the nude, trying to get out onto the tarmac, reported News4Jax. Sheriff's deputies shocked him with a Taser, to which he responded: "We gotta get outta here, there's a bomb going to go off. I planted a bomb in the bathroom." After sweeping the airport, officials found no explosives, but Volusia County Sheriff Mike Chitwood said they did find Greenwood's clothes in a backpack hidden in a hole in the bathroom wall. Described by Chitwood as a frequent flyer, Greenwood is known to local law enforcement, and he admitted taking drugs on Thursday night. He faces several charges after the incident. [News4Jax, 5/11/2018]

Easy Way Out

Like any resourceful mom, Johanna Giselhall Sandstrom of Kyrkhult, Sweden, made lemonade out of lemons after she discovered a spelling error in her newly acquired tattoo. Sandstrom had asked the tattoo artist to entwine the names of her two children, Nova and Kevin, on her arm, and it wasn't until she arrived home that she realized the tattoo read "Kelvin" instead of "Kevin." "My heart stopped and I thought I was going to faint," Sandstrom told local newspaper Blekinge Lans Tidning. Removing the tattoo would require multiple treatments, she learned, so Sandstrom decided instead to change her 2-year-old son's name to Kelvin, The Independent reported on May 16. "When I thought more about it, I realized that no one else has this name," she said. "It became unique. Now we think it is better than Kevin." [The Independent, 5/16/2018]

Weird Science

For two years, Kendra Jackson of Omaha, Nebraska, "had a box of Puffs ... everywhere I went," due to constant sneezing, coughing and nose-blowing that started after she hit her face on the dashboard during a car accident in 2013, she told KETV. Multiple doctors told her allergies were the cause, but eventually she was diagnosed with cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) leak -- her brain fluid was leaking into her nasal cavity at the rate of about a half-pint a day. In early May, Nebraska Medicine rhinologist Dr. Christie Barnes plugged the small hole between Jackson's skull and nostrils with her own fatty tissue, giving Jackson the relief she had been seeking for years. [KETV, 5/10/2018]

Awwwwww ....

Six baby squirrels in Elkhorn, Nebraska, found themselves in a sticky situation when their tails became tangled in tree sap and knotted together in their nest. When a man noticed what looked like a six-headed squirrely cluster moving around in a tree, wildlife expert Laura Stastny, executive director of Nebraska Wildlife Rehab, got the call. Stastny told the Omaha World-Herald that her group sees a case like this every year or so. She covered the squirrels with a towel to calm them and then snipped the fur that held them together. [Omaha World-Herald, 5/17/2018]

Let Me Get My Checkbook

The owner of a 15,000-square-foot condo on the 45th floor of the swanky Atelier building in Manhattan is offering the 10-bedroom, 11-bathroom property for sale -- for $85 million, according to WNBC. It features the expected appointments -- marble bathrooms, granite kitchen with stainless steel appliances -- but the steep price tag also includes some extras, such as two Rolls-Royce Phantoms, a Lamborghini, courtside season tickets to the Brooklyn Nets, a summer mansion in the Hamptons, a million-dollar yacht, live-in butler service and ... oh yeah, two tickets for a trip to outer space. [WNBC, 5/17/2018]

Bright Ideas

-- A 47-year-old woman from Adrian, Michigan, lost her job after she brought laxative-laced brownies to a co-worker's going-away party on May 3. Another employee of MMI Engineered Solutions in Saline tipped off company officials, who called police. The baker initially denied putting anything in the brownies, but came clean after being told the brownies could be forensically tested. Saline Police Chief Jerrod Hart told the Ann Arbor News there had been tension between the baker and the guest of honor, but the nature of the spat was not clear. "A lot of times you see it in movies or TV shows where someone tries to do this or play a joke, but it's very serious," Hart said. "It's a criminal act." The woman, however, was not charged, since no one ate the treats. [Ann Arbor News, 5/15/2018]

-- Sidney Bouvier Gilstrap-Portley, 25, was arrested on May 11 in Dallas after scamming his way into two Dallas high schools in an apparent effort to relive his basketball career. Gilstrap-Portley was charged with posing as a 17-year-old student and Hurricane Harvey evacuee so that he could play high school basketball. As Dallas schools welcomed students displaced by the hurricane, Gilstrap-Portley first enrolled at Skyline High School and then at Hillcrest High School, where he was a star on the team (and dated a 14-year-old girl). In fact, high school coaches voted him offensive player of the year. The Dallas Morning News reported that a former coach spotted him at a tournament and alerted Hillcrest's coach that he had graduated "a time ago." [Dallas Morning News, 5/16/2018]

Awesome!

Matthew and Maria Colonna-Emanuel of Staten Island knew about the silver box partially buried near some trees in their yard for years; they thought it was a cable box. But when they decided to replace the trees, they discovered the box was a safe -- and it was full of treasure. In early May, the Emanuels found thousands of dollars, along with "jewelry, diamonds, engagement rings ..." said Matthew Emanuel. "It was stunning." They also found an address, which linked them to nearby neighbors. The New York Police Department told CBS New York that indeed, the Emanuels' neighbors were robbed in 2011 of a safe with items totaling about $52,000. The couple returned the safe and its contents to the crime victims, who were thrilled. "It wasn't even a question," said Maria Colonna-Emanuel. "It wasn't ours." [CBS New York, 5/14/2018]