Around 4:30 a.m. on March 22, High Point, North Carolina, 911 dispatchers received a surprising call from a man informing them he had broken into a business. "Yes, this is Jesus Christ, and I just broke into the Pizza Hut," claimed 46-year-old Richard Lee Quintero of Greensboro, according to WFMY TV. "Jesus is here, he's back to Earth. I just broke in and had a pizza. I'm Jesus," Quintero told dispatchers. "Because I'm Jesus, I can do whatever I want." He also complained that "everybody's been treating me mean." High Point police officers arrested Quintero and charged him with breaking and entering and larceny. [WFMY, 3/27/2018]

Extreme Measures

Shannon Dean Egeland, 43, of Kuna, Oregon, was found guilty Feb. 28 in an elaborate scheme to delay a prison sentence and collect insurance. The Idaho Statesman reported that shortly before Egeland was to begin a 10-year jail term in 2014 for his role in a $20 million housing scandal, he took out a disability insurance policy and talked his then-17-year-old son into shooting him in the legs with a 20-gauge shotgun, which would delay his prison term -- not to mention let him collect on the new insurance policy. After the teenager shot him, Egeland called police and said he'd been assaulted, but police became suspicious when they found Egeland's wallet and BMW were still at the scene. U.S. District Judge Anna J. Brown tacked three years and 10 months of additional time onto Egeland's original sentence. Egeland, who eventually lost his left leg, stood before the judge on his prosthetic leg and said he'd had a lot of time to reflect on his crimes and realized he needs mental health counseling. Assistant U.S. Attorney Scott Bradford called him a "menace to society." [Idaho Statesman, 2/28/2018]

Just Can't Get Enough

It's been a twisty, U-turny road for Brittany Ann Koerselman, 19, and her first (soon-to-be second) husband, Jeremie Rook, 24, of Little Rock, Iowa. The two originally married in 2014, when Koerselman, then 15, was pregnant with Rook's child. But they divorced when she was 18. "He just wasn't ready to be all of that," Koerselman told Metro News. "The parent, the husband, the responsible person. He just wasn't ready for that." She said she and Rook have gotten back together and split up seven times since their divorce, but they can't stand being apart, so they're planning a "f-ing princess wedding" for this summer. "The last time I got married, I got swollen on the way to Missouri -- it's six hours (drive), so my shoes didn't fit," Koerselman recalled. "We're reusing (the) old engagement ring. He's different this time," she told (herself). [Metro News, 3/28/2018]

Bright Idea

A traditional March wedding at Peckforton Castle in Tarporley, Cheshire, England, was briefly interrupted when an owl trained to deliver the rings to a waiting best man changed its mind about where to land. The betrothed Jeni Arrowsmith and Mark Wood of Wrexham watched as the barn owl flew down the aisle toward the best man, but a seated groomsman then pointed at the bird, which it took as a signal to fly to his hand. "The owl just dived in and hit the guy -- who is terrified of birds!" said wedding photographer Stacey Oliver. "He fell off his chair." "Everyone was absolutely hysterical," the bride later told the BBC. "It made the wedding because we were talking about it all night." [BBC, 3/27/2018]

Least Competent Criminals

-- When an intoxicated man arrived at the Delaware State Police Troop 1 station in Wilmington on March 20, looking for a ride home, officers thought he seemed familiar. Turns out he was Christopher McDowell, 34, a suspect in a Feb. 22 shoplifting incident at a local Kohl's store, according to the News Journal. McDowell was charged with shoplifting and arraigned, then released on $1,000 bail. After he made a phone call to a friend for a ride home, his Kohl's accomplice, April Wright, 48, showed up -- and she too was arrested and charged. [News Journal, 3/21/2018]

-- John Silva and Derrick Irving thought they had a foolproof plan to cover their tracks after breaking into a mutual acquaintance's apartment on March 13 in DeLand, Florida. The Volusia County Sheriff's Office told News 6 the men stole appliances and a flat-screen TV from the home, then stopped before leaving to set a pot of spaghetti sauce on a hot burner and place a washcloth nearby so it would catch fire and destroy evidence. The victim had been alerted to the break-in by security cameras and called police, who stopped the two and found among the stolen goods in their car an empty jar of Ragu spaghetti sauce. Both men were charged with unarmed burglary, grand theft and arson. [News 6, 3/14/2018]

Feuds

-- In Toronto, a group of animal rights advocates started protesting outside a restaurant called Antler in early December. By March, the protests had grown, and Antler's co-owner, Michael Hunter, had had enough of the "murder" signs and "You've got blood on your hands" chants. So on March 23, he told the Globe and Mail, he figured, "I'm going to have my own protest. ... This is who we are and what we do. So I went and got a deer leg." Hunter brought a cutting board, knife and the hindquarter of a deer into the front window and butchered the meat while the protesters looked on. As a result, Hunter and the protesters are now trying to open a dialogue, and reservation requests at Antler have increased. [Globe and Mail, 3/28/2018]

-- Neighbors in Gainesville, Florida, called police on March 11 after finding a set of stairs barricaded in their condominium complex. The Gainesville Sun reported that Derrick Lamar Walker, 34, told officers on their arrival that his neighbors had been stomping in the stairwell outside his apartment to "get back at him for his several (insurance-related) lawsuits," according to a police department report. In retaliation, Walker had covered the stairs with fishing line, thin rubber gaskets, duct tape and cooking oil to try to keep the neighbors away. He was arrested on a criminal mischief charge and was held at the Alachua County Jail. [Gainesville Sun, 3/13/2018]

Oops!

-- A young driver in Buffalo, Minnesota, wasted no time earning an EPIC FAIL on her driver's test on March 21 when she rammed the car into the examination station before she'd even pulled out of the parking space. As the driving test began, the 17-year-old shifted her 2014 Chevy Equinox into drive instead of reverse and hit the accelerator, causing the car to lurch forward, jump the curb and crash through the window of the station, located in a strip mall. While the driver was not hurt, the examiner, 60, was taken to a hospital with noncritical injuries. Buffalo Police Chief Pat Budke told the Minneapolis Star Tribune that no charges would be filed. [Minneapolis Star Tribune, 3/22/2018]

-- Presumably in the throes of a serious case of munchies, Lizabeth Ildefonso, 44, drove up to the security booth at the Suffolk County (New York) jail at 10:12 a.m. on March 16 and tried to order a "bacon, egg and cheese" sandwich. Deputy Sheriff Yvonne DeCaro explained that she was at the jail, but Ildefonso "insisted that she really wanted a sandwich," the Riverhead News-Review reported. The deputy noticed Ildefonso's eyes were dilated and glassy, and that she had white powdery residue in her left nostril. DeCaro also checked her license and found it was not valid. After failing a field sobriety exam, Ildefonso was charged with felony driving while ability impaired by drugs and driving without a valid license. [Riverhead News-Review, 3/17/2018]

Police in Sheboygan, Wisconsin, appealed to the public for help in late March tracking down a most unusual perpetrator. "Over the past year and a half," the department posted on its Facebook page, "someone has been clogging the women's toilet (at the Deland Community Center) with a 20-ounce soda bottle. This is very strange ... and gross." The Sheboygan Press reported that the string of more than 25 incidents began in 2016. Joe Kerlin, the city's parks and forestry superintendent, says the suspect is likely an adult male, based on security camera footage from outside the restroom. The city's resulting plumbing bills have totaled between $2,000 and $3,000. [Sheboygan Press, 3/21/18]

Oops

A man playing with a baseball on the roof of a parking structure in Honolulu on March 23 had to be rescued by firefighters after he fell into the space between two buildings and got stuck, KHON2 TV reported. Security guard Ray Rodrigues was dispatched to the roof to run the 55-year-old off, but found the man had fallen into a 7- to 9-inch-wide space between the cement walls. When pulling him out with a rope failed, firefighters resorted to using drills and saws to cut through the concrete to free him. He was taken to a hospital in serious condition. [KHON2, 3/25/18]

Questionable Judgments

-- Shoppers at the Miracle Mile Shopping Center in Monroeville, Pennsylvania, got more than they bargained for on April 8, 2017, as model Chelsea Guerra, 22, of Indiana Borough and photographer Michael Warnock, 64, of Point Breeze conducted a nude photo shoot around 11 a.m. According to the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, as Warnock took photos and families looked on, Guerra walked around and posed wearing only thigh-high black stockings and high-heeled shoes. In early March of this year, Guerra and Warnock pleaded guilty to misdemeanor disorderly conduct after other charges were dropped, and paid a $300 fine. "My nude modeling is honest work," Guerra said, "and I use it mostly to fund my college career." [TribLive, 3/5/18]

-- A dairy truck driver lost his job in early March after being caught on a surveillance camera urinating near dairy cows in a barn at Tremblay Farm in Highgate, Vermont. While no charges were filed, Monica Massey of the Dairy Farmers of America said the driver's behavior was unacceptable. "We saw the videos. What we saw was deplorable," Massey said told WCAX TV. Darleen Tremblay said she was "shattered" by what she saw on the video. "I couldn't move. I froze and I shook," she added. [WCAX, 3/2/18]

Bright Ideas

-- The Snell Family Park ficus tree, a sprawling giant that has shaded the park in Fort Myers, Florida, for more than a century, played the part of groom to several brides on March 24 as Karen Cooper and others tried to save it from being cut down. The News-Press reported that while its roots are on the park property, some of the limbs in the tree's 8,000-square-foot canopy extend to an adjacent property that is for sale, and potential buyer Jeff Romer was concerned about his liability for the tree's upkeep. In December, Fort Myers' public works officials approved the removal of the tree, prompting protests from Cooper and others. She got the idea of marrying the tree from women in Mexico who have been protesting deforestation. "I thought, 'Oh, we should marry the ficus tree' -- kind of giggle, giggle." A city spokeswoman said the city is moving ahead to save the newlywed tree, but Cooper is worried that the decision is not final. "If they cut down this tree, I'm going to be a widow." [The News-Press, 3/26/18]

-- Ruan Rocha da Silva, 18, was caught in late March trying to steal five cans of deodorant from a supermarket in Sao Paulo, Brazil. His prominent tattoo might have given him away: A year ago, after Silva tried to steal a bike from Maycon Wesley Carvalho, 27, and Ronildo Moreira de Araujo, 29, the two men forcibly tattooed Silva's forehead with the words "I am a thief and an idiot." The Daily Mail reported that Carvalho and Araujo were caught after filming themselves inking Silva's forehead and sending the video to friends; both were sentenced to jail time. Silva is out on bail, awaiting trial for shoplifting. [Daily Mail, 3/26/18]

Inexplicable

Eastern Michigan University student Andrew (who didn't give a last name), 22, wasn't making any kind of statement or protesting any government action (or lack thereof) on March 12 when he filled a pothole in Trenton with a whole box of Lucky Charms and a gallon of milk. Andrew then lay on the road with a spoon and ate the cereal out of the pothole. "I don't know where the inspiration came from, but when it hit me, I knew it was a good idea," Andrew told MLive.com. "It tasted great. If I was blindfolded, I wouldn't know if it was a pothole or a bowl." [MLive.com, 3/22/18]

International Relations

Italian chef Fabio Picchi has offered three American exchange students in Florence a four-hour cooking lesson after the women tried to cook pasta in a pot without water on March 18. The pasta burst into flames within minutes, and firefighters were summoned to put out the fire. "We thought it was cooked like that," one of the students told La Nazione. "They will have lunch in our restaurant with two of my extraordinary cooks," Picchi said. "I think this can be useful to them, but also to us. Understanding is always ... what is beautiful and necessary." [La Nazione, 3/19/18]

Weird Power

In Didcot, England, known as the country's "most normal town," one resident creatively tried to change people's perceptions with additions to road signs along local highway A4130. The prankster added destinations such as Narnia, Gotham City, Middle Earth, Emerald City and Neverland to roundabout signs, telling the BBC (on condition of anonymity): "To me there's nowhere that is normal, there's no such thing." He said he's been making "creative interventions" all over the country for about 20 years. The Oxfordshire County Council responded that while the additions were "amusing," they'll be removed as soon as the county's potholes are fixed. [BBC, 3/20/18]

Anger Management

Maghan LeGlue, 25, of Bridge City, Louisiana, shifted her rage into high gear on March 24 when she used her 2004 Ford Expedition to pin her 27-year-old boyfriend up against his Ford Crown Victoria, according to the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office. The Times-Picayune reported that the couple, who have three children together, had been arguing when LeGlue hit him, shattering his leg. Doctors performed emergency surgery on the victim. LeGlue was taken into custody and was held without bond. [Times-Picayune, 3/26/18]

Overachiever

It was lucky 13 for Hot Springs, Arkansas, resident Patricia Ann Clanton, 55, as she was charged with her 13th felony DWI on March 26. Garland County Sheriff's Deputy Richard Garrett stopped to check on a Chevrolet Monte Carlo parked in the lot of Buddy Bean Lumber Co. around 1 a.m. on March 26, reported the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. An assisting officer noticed a strong smell of intoxicants and asked Clanton and her passenger to get out of the car. Clanton refused a field sobriety test but agreed to a Breathalyzer, which registered her blood alcohol level at more than twice the legal limit. Nevertheless, she entered an innocent plea in Garland County District Court. Since 1994, Clanton has been convicted of driving drunk in various Arkansas jurisdictions and served jail time. [Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, 3/27/18]

In the same week that a dog perished after a United Airlines flight attendant insisted it be stored in an overhead compartment on a flight from Houston to New York City, another family's pet was lost by the beleaguered carrier. Irgo, a 10-year-old German shepherd belonging to the Swindle family, was mistakenly sent to Japan instead of Kansas City, Missouri. When Kara Swindle and her children went to pick up their dog on March 13 after flying from Oregon, they were given a Great Dane -- whose destination was supposed to be Japan. The dogs got mixed up in Denver, where they both had connecting flights. Swindle was concerned that her dog wouldn't survive the long flight back: "He is a 10-year-old dog, and he's never been on a flight before," she told KCTV 5 News. However, United had Irgo checked out by a veterinarian in Tokyo and loaded onto a private charter to Wichita, Kansas, where he was reunited with his family on March 15. [KCTV 5, 3/14/2018]

I Am Not Dead Yet!

Constantin Reliu, 63, appealed unsuccessfully to a court in Barlad, Romania, in March to overturn a death certificate that his wife had obtained after not hearing from him for more than a decade. According to The Guardian, Reliu left Romania for Turkey in 1992 to look for employment, but neglected to keep in touch with his family. In 2003, Reliu's wife, believing he had died in an earthquake in Turkey, argued in court for a death certificate, which didn't come to light until Reliu was deported back to Romania because of expired papers in Turkey. Upon his arrival, immigration officers explained to Reliu that he had died in 2003. His appeal failed, as the court maintained he was too late, and the ruling is final, leaving Reliu in an odd state of limbo. "I am officially dead, although I'm alive," Reliu told Romanian media outlets. "I have no income and because I am listed dead, I can't do anything." [The Guardian, 3/16/2018]

Divine Intervention

-- In a recent interview on "60 Minutes Overtime," Oprah Winfrey said that if God wanted her to run for president, "wouldn't God kind of tell me?" Oprah may have gotten her answer in the form of a letter from Jesus Christ, an 83-year-old North Waterboro, Maine, woman who started a letter-writing campaign 50 years ago to spread a message of faith and peace -- around the same time that she changed her name. WGME-TV reported that Christ sent her letter to Winfrey on March 9, without knowledge of the media speculation, or Winfrey's wish for a heavenly sign, regarding her running for president. Christ said she sent the letter because she likes Winfrey, but "If she does (run), I'll vote for her -- that's for sure." [WGME, 3/15/2018]

-- Destiny Church in Columbia, Maryland, tried a novel approach to attract new members to its congregation. On March 4, the church gave away five used cars to "demonstrate God's unbelievable, no-strings-attached goodness," according to The Washington Post. The idea was hatched to increase attendance at the church's new location after several years meeting in a high school auditorium. "Who doesn't need a new car?" asked Sandy Dobson, who came with her son. "Different people have different things that bring them to Christ, to church. It doesn't always have to be traditional methods." Pastor Stephen Chandler added that Jesus himself taught that giveaways are guaranteed to draw a crowd: The biggest gatherings Christ preached to came on the two times he distributed free loaves and fishes. [Washington Post, 3/4/2018]

Animals With Issues

Louis, an 18-year-old male gorilla at the Philadelphia Zoo, appears to be something of a germophobe, according to the Associated Press. When he is carrying food, 6-foot-tall Louis walks on his hind legs, like a human, rather than leaning forward on his front knuckles, as gorillas usually do. Zoo curator Michael Stern says workers installed a fire hose over a mud puddle in Louis' yard, which he crosses like a tightrope to avoid getting his feet dirty. Stern says in the wild, gorillas may stand up on their hind feet to reach food or wade in a swamp, but only for a few seconds. [The Associated Press, 3/16/2018]

Restoring Faith in Humanity

The Rev. Alex Santora of Our Lady of Grace Church in Hoboken, New Jersey, called local police on March 14 when a suspicious package was delivered to the house of worship. But after officers from the Hoboken Police Department declared it to be safe, church staff found a surprising delivery inside: a baby Jesus statue that had been stolen from the church's Nativity scene about 90 years ago. WPIX-TV reported that an unsigned note inside the package explained: The statue was stolen when the note-writer's mother was a young girl, and it became a sort of heirloom in her family. When she died, it was passed on to the note-writer, who thought it should be returned. [WPIX-TV, 3/16/2018]

Ewwwww!

Ravenna, Ohio, resident Nickolette Botsford was startled by what felt like an extra-hard cashew as she enjoyed some Planters nuts in early March. As she drove, she handed the object to her mom, who turned on the interior light in the car and realized it was a human tooth -- with dried blood on it. "I got very upset, I was crying, I threw up two or three times," Botsford told WOIO-TV. She went to a hospital, where doctors confirmed it was a human tooth and treated her for exposure to blood or bodily fluids. Botsford called Planters, and parent company Kraft Heinz sent a courier to pick up the tooth for testing. The company said it is investigating its manufacturing process and suppliers. [WOIO, 3/5/2018]

Spooky

A member of the Listowel Paranormal Society in Windsor, Ontario, Canada, was surprised when police arrived at his door on March 13, inquiring about a small black box with a red wire protruding from it that had been left at Mackenzie Hall in Windsor. The Windsor Police Explosives Disposal Unit was called to the hall to investigate the box, but determined it was "safe" and not explosive. Society members had used the box on March 9 at the historic building to sweep for spirits. Jen Parker, assistant director for the society, called the box an EMF (electromagnetic field) sensor and said each team member carries one when they're looking for ghosts. The society's spokesperson also told the CBC that there were strong signs of paranormal activity at the hall, especially in the old jail, dressing room and basement. [CBC, 3/16/2018]

Ferula!

Springville, Utah, resident Tiffany King has weathered devastating health problems. FOX 13 reported that she suffers from a condition for which the medication weakened her immune system. In January, she contracted pneumonia, which led to a blood infection, and complications forced doctors to amputate both her legs and arms. King, who is engaged, hopes to complete therapy and walk down the aisle with prosthetic legs and arms, which is where a unique fundraiser comes in: On March 17, King's friends announced "Phoenix Wing Productions Welcomes Harry Potter to Burlesque," a caricature of the blockbuster movies based on J.K. Rowling's books. All proceeds from the event on April 20 at the Utah Arts Alliance in Salt Lake City will go toward buying King's prosthetic limbs. "I'm going to work hard," King said, "because I have a family I need to get back to." [Fox 13, 3/17/2018]

Least Competent Criminals

Siblings Antoine Dorsey, 23, and Antoinette Dorsey, 27, of St. Louis cooked up a clever scheme to steal a car. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported that on March 14, the two went to Joe-K Used Cars and asked to test drive a 2012 Dodge Charger. The salesman drove them off the lot, and the Dorseys asked him to drive to their apartment building so they could retrieve their IDs. In the parking lot of the apartment, Antoinette got out of the car, and an unidentified person drove up next to the Charger in a Volvo and got into the Charger, pulling a gun on the salesman and demanding he get out of the car. Then the man with the gun got back into the Volvo and drove away, while Antoine took off in the Charger. However, Antoine crashed and flipped the Charger, then was tracked down by police aided by witnesses to the wreck. Both siblings were charged with first-degree robbery. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 3/18/2018]