Wait times at emergency rooms are notoriously long, and Danny Konieczny's experience was no different on March 6 at The Villages Hospital in The Villages, Florida. The Lady Lake resident, 61, was at home earlier in the day when a neighbor called 911 to report Konieczny was drunk and suicidal. According to WOFL TV, first responders took him to the hospital, where he waited for two hours to see a doctor before getting exasperated and stealing an ambulance to drive home. Konieczny parked the ambulance in the driveway of the neighbor he thought had called the police about him, and when Lake County Sheriff's investigators tracked him down, they found Konieczny curled up in the trunk of his own car in his garage. Konieczny was put on no-bond status because he is still on probation from a 2017 drunk driving charge. [FOX5, 3/8/2018]

An Escalating Situation

Things went from bad to worse for 30-year-old Isaac Bonsu on March 6 when he was charged in Alexandria, Virginia, with felony hit-and-run involving an unlikely victim. Fairfax County Police pulled Bonsu over for an equipment violation, but he apparently forgot to put it in "park" before exiting the vehicle. Bonsu can be seen on police dashcam video running in front of the car and then being struck by it. Unhurt, Bonsu jumped up and kept running, but police were able to catch him. The Associated Press reported that Bonsu was charged with driving while intoxicated (his third) and possessing marijuana along with the hit-and-run. [Associated Press, 3/6/2018]

Awesome!

-- Environmentalists decry all the debris washing up on beaches around the world, but a discovery in January near Perth, Australia, has historians thrilled. The Washington Post reported that Tonya Illman and a friend were walking along the beach when she spotted "a lovely old bottle." Inside was a damp note, tied with string. "We took it home and dried it out ... and it was a printed form, in German, with very faint German handwriting on it," she said. Experts at the Western Australia Museum have determined the note was 132 years old -- 24 years older than the previous record for a message in a bottle. The note was dated June 12, 1886, from a ship named Paula. Further study revealed that a German Naval Observatory program was analyzing global ocean currents in the area between 1864 and 1933, and an entry in the Paula's captain's journal made note of the bottle being tossed overboard. Thousands of other bottles were released into the sea as part of the program, and only 662 have been returned. The last one discovered was in January 1934. [The Washington Post, 3/6/2018]

-- It may not be the oldest ever found, but the message in a bottle found by 12-year-old Joseph Vallis of Sandys Parish, Bermuda, certainly traveled an impressive distance -- more than 1,000 miles. The Royal Gazette reported that Vallis and his Warwick Academy class were picking up trash around Bailey's Bay on March 10 when he came across a green bottle with a plastic bag inside. He and his father, Boyd, uncorked the bottle and found a note dated April 2014 that had been set adrift from a French sailing yacht crossing the Atlantic. The note included an email address and invitation to contact the authors, but as of press time, the Vallises were still awaiting a response. [The Royal Gazette, 3/12/2018]

The Stuff of Nightmares

Kayaker Sue Spector, 77, was out for a leisurely paddle on the Braden River in Florida with her husband and friends on March 4 when someone remarked, "Oh look, there's an otter." No sooner had the words been spoken than the mammal with a playful reputation jumped onto Spector in her kayak and began clawing and scratching her arms, nose and ear. "He wouldn't let go and I kept screaming. I kept beating him with a paddle," Spector told FOX13 News. She later required stitches, antibiotics and rabies treatment. It was the second otter attack in two days, and Florida Fish and Wildlife has now posted signs about the "aggressive otter" near the area. [FOX13 News, 3/6/2018]

The Litigious Society

Neldin Molina of Denver is dragging Hamburger Mary's restaurant in Tampa, Florida, to court with a $1.5 million lawsuit alleging she was injured there by a drag queen's breasts. According to WESH TV, Molina was visiting the restaurant in May 2015 with friends and family when a drag show began. Molina said drag queen Amanda D'Hod pointed at her and began to approach her, but Molina turned her back to signal she didn't want to participate in the show. The suit, filed in early March, alleges that D'Hod then walked in front of Molina, grabbed her head and shook it, pounding it violently against the performer's fake breasts. The complaint said Molina began to experience headaches and neck pain and later went to the emergency room at Memorial Hospital of Tampa. The lawsuit also notes the restaurant failed to notify patrons of possible danger from the drag show. [WESH-TV, 3/9/2018]

Oops!

The Carelse family of Lakewood, Colorado, picked up some groceries at the Walmart in Littleton on March 5, including a box of Quaker 100 Percent Natural Granola with oats, honey and raisins. When they sat down for breakfast the next morning, they told KMGH TV, Anthea Carelse noticed that the "best by" date on the box was Feb. 22, 1997 -- more than 21 years ago. Her husband, Josiah, ate his full bowl and didn't suffer any unpleasant consequences, but Anthea stopped after two bites. Josiah planned to return the box to Walmart. [KMGH TV, 3/7/2018]

Toot Your Own Horn

March 3 was a big day in Key West, Florida, as competitors sounded off in the 56th Annual Conch Shell Blowing Contest. For 70-year-old Mary Lou Smith of Panama City Beach, winning the women's division was topped only by a marriage proposal (which she accepted with a hearty honk from her shell) from fellow competitor Rick Race, 73, also of Panama City Beach. The Guardian reports that the large shells were used in the 19th century by seafarers as signaling devices, and dozens of entrants show off their skills each year at Key West's Oldest House Museum. [The Guardian, 3/6/2018]

Least Competent Criminal

On March 12 in Northumberland, England, a car thief making a getaway in a Mini Cooper S discovered the small car was not small enough to navigate a narrow stone staircase in Carlisle Park. Northumbria police were called to the park around 11:30 p.m. where they found the car and its unnamed 31-year-old driver both wedged tightly between the staircase walls. Area residents speculated to Metro News that the driver might have been trying to re-enact a scene from "The Italian Job," a 1969 movie. "I'm sure the older Minis would have got down no problem," said Chris Stoker. [Metro News, 3/13/2018]

Wait, What?

An unnamed Russian woman stunned tourists and onlookers March 10 when she walked into the Red Sea and, with the help of a doctor and her partner, gave birth. From the balcony of her uncle's apartment in Dahab, Egypt, Hadia Hosny El Said photographed the events, as the doctor carried the newborn and its father walked alongside with the still-attached placenta in a plastic bowl. After a few minutes, the mother emerged from the sea to join her family, including a toddler, on the beach. El Said told The Daily Mail the doctor is Russian and specializes in water births. [The Daily Mail, 3/13/2018]

A co-ed dormitory at Hunter College in New York City has become the site of a dispute between the college and 32-year-old Lisa S. Palmer, who won't vacate her dorm room despite having discontinued her classes in 2016. Palmer, who works for an architecture firm, has "racked up a staggering $94,000 in unpaid residence hall charges," a lawsuit filed in Manhattan Supreme Court noted. The New York Post reported on Feb. 28 that in June 2016 and fall 2017, she received eviction notices, but she won't budge. Palmer admitted that dorm life is "really lonely. I feel very isolated." Palmer was moved into a wing of the dorm that's occupied only by a middle-aged nurse, whom the college is also trying to evict. In fact, Hunter is working on removing nine nurses, who were given rooms in the building when it was owned by Bellevue Hospital. [New York Post, 2/28/2018]

Only in Texas

Ana Lisa Garza, a Starr County district judge in south Texas, is running for a state House seat in District 31. Garza has received almost $90,000 in contributions to her campaign, but more than $50,000 of that has been in a most unusual currency: deer semen. Deer breeder Fred Gonzalez, treasurer of the Texas Deer Association, said breeders often donate semen "straws" instead of money: "Semen is a very common way for us to donate. One collection on a buck could lead to 60 straws sometimes. If you have a desirable animal, it's a way to bring value without breaking the bank." A campaign finance report valued each straw donated at $1,000. Gonzalez told the Dallas Morning News that the semen donated for Garza's campaign went into a tank sold in one lot, the proceeds of which will go to the campaign. [Dallas Morning News, 3/2/2018]

Oops

-- Kenny Bachman, 21, had a rude awakening when he racked up a $1,636 Uber fare on Feb. 23 following a night of partying with high school friends in Morgantown, West Virginia. The Charlotte Observer reported that Bachman and the friend he planned on staying with stopped at a convenience store during the evening. The friend told Bachman to wait outside as he went into the store, but Bachman was gone when the friend emerged. He had summoned an Uber to take him home -- to Gloucester County, New Jersey. Bachman was passed out for most of the nearly 300-mile trip, which was subject to surge pricing, doubling the fare. Bachman challenged the charge but ended up paying the full fare; "I feel like there's very little I could have done to reverse it," he said. [Charlotte Observer, 2/28/2016]

-- Miami resident Luce Rameau didn't know what hit her on Feb. 28 as she lay in bed, talking on the phone. She thought a bomb had gone off as wood and debris fell on her bed. "I kept screaming, 'What happened? What happened?'" Rameau told the Miami Herald. It wasn't a bomb; an 80-pound inflatable raft had crashed through her roof after becoming untethered from a Royal Canadian Air Force search-and-rescue helicopter that had been conducting an offshore training exercise nearby. David Lavallee, a spokesman for the RCAF, said the accident is being investigated and the air force intends to help "the resident with accommodations and other support." Rameau suffered only minor injuries. [Miami Herald, 2/28/2018]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Caught red-handed: Leahman G.R. Potter, 48, neglected to conceal the evidence after he stole a pot of meatballs from a neighbor's garage in Hazle Township in Pennsylvania. The meatball owner returned home Feb. 26 to find Potter outside his garage, covered in red sauce, and his meatball pot missing, according to United Press International. When Pennsylvania State Police arrived shortly afterward, they found the pot in the street and Potter at his home, where he was charged with burglary, trespass and theft. [United Press International, 2/28/2018]

-- KTAR News in Phoenix reported that Peoria Police Department officers were called to a gas station Feb. 23 in response to a shoplifting. When they arrived, suspects Marwan Al Ebadi, 28, and Salma Hourieh, 29, set off on foot before hopping over a fence -- directly into a secured parking lot of the Peoria Police Department. Hourieh tried to hide beneath a bench outside the station, while Al Ebadi jumped back over the fence and was stopped in the street. Both were arrested and charged with shoplifting. "You should never run from the police," said police spokesman Brandon Sheffert, "and if you do, do not run into a secure parking lot of a police station." [KTAR, 2/28/2018]

Awesome!

Name recognition won't be a problem for the Libertarian Party challenger for eastern Arkansas' 1st Congressional District seat: Elvis D. Presley. The Associated Press reported that the King impersonator from Star City, Arkansas, who legally changed his name to match the rock 'n' roll icon's (although the "real" Elvis' middle initial was A), filed campaign paperwork on Feb. 26. Presley works as an auto refinish technician at Camp's Custom Paint in Star City, but his political ambitions aren't new: He's also run for governor, land commissioner and state legislature. [AP via KFSM-TV, 2/26/2018]

If It Ain't Broke ...

Republican State Sen. John Ruckelshaus of Indianapolis is the proud sponsor of a new measure in Indiana that bans eyeball tattooing. According to the proposed law, passed by both the Senate and the House, tattooists would be prohibited from coloring the whites of a customer's eyes, with a fine of up to $10,000 per violation. The Associated Press reported that Sen. Ruckelshaus admitted he's not aware of any problems with eyeball-tattooing in Indiana. The legislation was on Gov. Eric Holcomb's desk for his signature on March 1. [The Associated Press, 3/1/2018]

Unclear on the Concept

Even before it opened last year, Apple's spaceship building in Cupertino, California, presented a transparency problem: Its glass walls couldn't be distinguished from its glass doors, and since moving in on Jan. 2, several workers have been injured after walking into them. The San Francisco Chronicle reported three people suffered head injuries severe enough to summon emergency responders. Apple's vice president of real estate and development, Dan Whisenhunt, told the local Rotary Club in January there hadn't been any problems with birds flying into the glass. "Now the humans on the inside, that's a different story," he said. "That's a problem we are working on right now." Architects have added black rectangular stickers to the glass panes, which seem to be helping. [San Francisco Chronicle, 3/2/2018]

Last Chapter

Houston detectives were finally able to close a case in January that had been vexing them for 30 months. Mary Stewart Cerruti, 61, the last holdout in a neighborhood being bought up for redevelopment, was reported missing in August 2015 by a friend, who described her as shy and frail, the Houston Chronicle detailed. However, police had no leads, and her home was foreclosed on after payments stopped. Eventually, the home was cleaned out and sold, and new renters moved in. On March 4, 2017, a 911 call reported a human skeleton "between two of the walls" in the home. When police arrived, they found a hole in the attic floorboards and down below were the bones, clothing and shoes that had been discovered' an investigation found no evidence of foul play. On Jan. 23, the Harris County Institute of Forensic Sciences confirmed the remains were those of Cerruti. [Houston Chronicle, 1/237/2018]

Full Disclosure

Linda Fein and her husband thought they had found their dream home in Paradise Valley, near Phoenix. They offered $1.8 million for the house and 1.3-acre lot, but then found out the house belonged to Kevin and Sandra Otterson and was the setting for their pornography website, Wifey's World, founded in 1998. "I just can't make Thanksgiving dinner on counters where a porn star has been lounging around," Fein told the Arizona Republic. In late February, the couple rescinded their offer on the four-bedroom home. "I certainly believe there are people out there who wouldn't care about the house being used for those purposes," Fein explained. "I'm just not one of them." [Arizona Republic, 3/1/2018]

As the medal ceremony for the men's 1,000-meter speedskating competition concluded on Feb. 23 at the Gangneung Oval in Pyeongchang, South Korea, "serial streaker" Mark Roberts, 55, of Liverpool, England, jumped the wall and took to the ice. Roberts peeled off his tracksuit to reveal a pink tutu, a "penis pouch" with a monkey face on it, and "Peace + Love" scrawled on his torso. Although he might have lost points for an initial fall, he jumped up and continued performing a dance routine. Metro News recounts that Roberts has streaked at Wimbledon, the French Open and soccer matches, along with dog shows and other large events. He "retired" in 2013, saying "gravity's against me," but apparently he couldn't resist the global exposure of the Olympics. [Metro News, 2/24/2018]

Ironies

As the 2018 Winter Olympics got underway, and athletes from Russia were forced to compete under the Olympic flag and be designated as "Olympic Athletes from Russia" (OAR) as punishment for systemic doping at the 2014 Games in Sochi, Russian bobsledder Nadezhda Sergeeva proudly wore a T-shirt that read "I Don't Do Doping." But on Feb. 23, Sergeeva became the second Russian athlete to fail a doping test. (Russian curler Alexander Krushelnitsky also failed a drug test earlier in the Games.) Sergeeva was a vocal critic of the Olympic policy toward Russian athletes, telling Yahoo Sports, "If we are here, and we are clean, we should be able to walk under our flag." [Yahoo Sports, 2/23/2018]

Suspicions Confirmed

District Judge Joseph Boeckmann, 72, took a personal interest in the young men who came through his courtrooms in Cross and St. Francis counties (Arkansas) from 2009 to 2015 with traffic citations or misdemeanor criminal charges. The Arkansas Democrat-Gazette reported that Judge Boeckmann routinely dismissed those charges pending "community service," which Boeckmann would set up through private phone calls with the men, assigning them to provide sexual favors or allow Judge Boeckmann to take pictures of them in "embarrassing positions; positions that he found sexually gratifying," a court document revealed. Boeckmann, of Wynne, Arkansas, admitted to the charges in October and was sentenced Feb. 21 to five years in prison. Prosecutors had agreed to a lesser sentence in light of Boeckmann's age, but U.S. District Judge Kristine Baker ordered the maximum sentence, saying, "(H)e acted corruptly while serving as a judge. That sets his crime apart." [Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, 2/21/2018]

Unclear on the Concept

Washington State University senior Logan Tago, a football linebacker, received WSU's Center for Civic Engagement Fall 2017 Community Involvement award on Feb. 1 for 240 hours of service to the local community, reported the WSU Daily Evergreen -- service he was ordered to give as a stipulation of his sentencing in January 2017 for third-degree assault. In June 2016, The Seattle Times reported, Tago allegedly hit a man with a six-pack of beer and later agreed to a plea deal that called for 30 days in the Whitman County jail, $800 in fines -- and exactly 240 hours of community service. Tago managed to play the final two games of the 2016 season and in all of 2017's 13 games, despite a WSU athletic department policy that prohibits players who are facing a felony charge from playing. [The Daily Evergreen, 2/3/2018]

Compelling Explanations

On Feb. 9, the Texas 3rd Court of Appeals upheld the four-year prison sentence Ralph Alfred Friesenhahn, 65, of San Antonio received after his fourth DWI conviction in 2016, rejecting arguments from his lawyer, Gina Jones of New Braunfels, that the state's legal limit for alcohol concentration discriminates against alcoholics, who have a higher tolerance for liquor. "You're not being punished for being an alcoholic," Sammy McCrary, chief of the felony division for the Comal County criminal district attorney's office told the Austin American-Statesman. "It's the driving that's the problem." [Austin American-Statesman, 2/9/2018]

Special Delivery

At the beginning of February, several residents along a block in Marina, California, were hit by mail thieves. But the criminals probably didn't know what hit them when they stole Rosalinda Vizina's package. SFGate.com reported that Vizina, an entomologist, had ordered 500 live cockroaches for a study she's working on. "I feel a little bad for the roaches in case they got smushed or tossed or something like that," Vizina told KSBW. "For the thieves, I hope they went everywhere," she added. [KSBW, 2/9/2018]

TMI?

On Feb. 20, little Jameson Proctor was born in St. Louis and a radio audience listened in as he came into the world. Cassiday Proctor, co-host of the "Spencer's Neighborhood" show on The Arch in St. Louis, scheduled her C-section right in the middle of drive time and then invited listeners to share the moment when Jameson was born, at 7:45 a.m., through a broadcast phone call. "Our radio show is all about sharing our personal lives," Proctor, 33, told The Telegraph. She also solicited ideas for names from her fans and received more than 400 submissions. "It was not something I wanted to keep private," Proctor said. [The Telegraph, 2/22/2018]

Awesome!

The mining town of Kurri Kurri, Australia, cut loose on Feb. 24 with a new festival to draw visitors: Mullet Fest, a celebration of the infamous hairstyle and those who wear it. Local hairdresser Laura Johnson came up with the idea, which included contests (Junior Mullet and Ladies' Mullet categories, and so forth) and bands (the Stunned Mullets from Karuah). Winner of the junior division prize, Alex Keavy, 12, told The Guardian: "It's not a hairstyle, it's a lifestyle." He pledged to use his $50 prize to buy his girlfriend a pie. More than 180 contestants competed for Best Mullet of Them All. Meryl Swanson, the local Labor MP and a contest judge, said she was "looking for pride, people embracing the mullet, finding self-worth in it." [The Guardian, 2/25/2018]

Can't Possibly Be True

A designer pop-up store in Seattle made news on Feb. 22 for one particular item: a clear plastic, drawstring shopping bag that sells for -- wait for it -- $590. United Press International reported the bag was first seen on Paris runways in January and sports the Celine Paris label along with warnings in several languages about the suffocation risk posed to babies. [United Press International, 2/22/2018]

Close Call

Flemington, New Jersey, cemetery worker Peter Ferencze, 59, was digging a grave at Hanover Cemetery on Feb. 20 when the 800-pound lid of a concrete burial vault fell on top of him, pinning him in the grave. Ferencze was treated and released from Morristown Medical Center after police and other first responders managed to lift the cover with straps, giving Ferencze enough space to squeeze out, the Morristown Daily Record reported. [Morristown Daily Record, 2/21/2018]

Bright Ideas

-- Christina C. Ochoa of Wichita, Kansas, and her mom, Christy L. Ochoa, explained to The Wichita Eagle that more than 50 $5 withdrawals Christina made from a Central National Bank ATM during a five-day period in mid-January were for a "money cake" she was making as a gift for someone. But the bank says the faulty ATM was dispensing $100 bills instead of $5 bills, and that Christina received $14,120 instead of $1,485. In a Jan. 22 lawsuit, the bank seeks $11,607.36, plus interest, it says is owed by Christina. The bank is also trying to seize two cars the Ochoas bought during the same period, claiming that the $3,000 down payment for one of them was made up entirely of $100 bills. [The Wichita Eagle, 2/20/2018]

-- In Boston, trolley driver Thomas Lucey, 46, of Saugus, Massachusetts, was indicted Feb. 21 for paying a man $2,000 to attack him while he was on the job on Oct. 30, 2016, so that Lucey could collect workers' compensation and disability insurance. The "attacker" wore a Halloween mask and carried a plastic pumpkin, from which police obtained fingerprints used to identify him and unravel the scheme, according to The Boston Globe. A grand jury in Suffolk County brought charges of insurance fraud, workers' compensation fraud, misleading a police investigation and perjury. [Boston Globe, 2/22/2018]