Cai, a 28-year-old man in Lianyungang, Jiangsu Province, China, had plenty of time to consider traffic patterns as he waited for the lights to change during his daily commute. So much, in fact, that he decided to take matters into his own hands on Sept. 27 and paint new traffic arrows on the roadway. A traffic camera captured the whole project as Cai carefully added a straight arrow to the existing left-turn and U-turn arrows. "I saw the straight lane was always packed with cars, while the turning left lane has a lot of space," Cai told police. "So I thought changing the signs would make my commute smoother." The BBC reports that police fined Cai the equivalent of about $151, and crews removed the new straight arrow from the road. [BBC, 11/30/2017]

Hair Trigger

Timothy Colton, 28, is cooling off in the Clark County (Nevada) Detention Center after being charged with arson and the attempted murder of his 66-year-old mother, who has limited mobility. The Nov. 27 altercation apparently started over a laundry dispute, but North Las Vegas police said Colton became aggressive and threatened to kill his mother and burn the house down. Fox News reports that Colton set fire to the front door and then ran away to hide under a car in a nearby parking lot, where officers found him. Police said he was "kicking the back seat door and hitting his head on the plastic partition between the front and rear seats" in the patrol car during his arrest. He was being held on $100,000 bail. [Fox News, 12/5/2017]

When Ya Gotta Go ...

Nemy Bautista of Sacramento, California, will not be posting a five-star review to Amazon this holiday season following not one but two alarming experiences. On Nov. 28, Bautista returned home to find a pile of what he thought was dog poo at the end of his driveway. But after reviewing his security camera footage, he discovered the poop perp was in fact a contract delivery driver for Amazon, driving a U-Haul truck. Bautista watched as the female driver squatted by the side of the truck, partially concealed by the open door, and left her mark. Bautista called Amazon to complain, and a supervisor arrived hours later to bag up the evidence. The next day, Bautista got another package from Amazon, but the delivery person "tossed the package ... instead of walking up the driveway," Bautista told FOX40. He said the package contained a "fragile porcelain figurine," but it didn't break. Maybe the delivery person was afraid of stepping in something? [FOX40, 12/1/2017]

On the Naughty List

-- A man in Australia couldn't wait for Santa to deliver his Christmas wish: a 5 1/2-foot-tall "Dorothy model" sex doll. So, according to the Victoria Police Kingston Crime Investigation Unit, he broke into an adult entertainment store in Moorabbin on Dec. 4 by cutting through a fence with bolt cutters and smashing his way through the door. After quickly loading Dorothy into the back of his van, he took off. Security cameras caught the event, but the thief was disguised with stockings and a balaclava pulled over his head. [United Press International, 12/5/2017]

-- A mall Santa working the weekend shift in late November got more than he bargained for at Dufferin Mall in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, when an unnamed woman unloaded a sleigh-full of obscenities on him, saying, "Do you have a sleigh? No? ... You're not magic! You're not even real! I heard about it when I was a young kid!" A bystander with a cellphone captured the tirade on video, reported the New York Post, and true to his spirit, St. Nick kept his composure and tried not to engage with the elf-hater. A mall spokesperson said the woman left without further incident. [NYPost, 11/29/2017]

The Passing Parade

Faye Preston of Hull, Yorkshire, England, loves her neighborhood -- even the homeless folks who gently ask for change, or, in Preston's case, make love in her driveway. She stepped out one night in November to smoke a cigarette and saw a couple under a blanket in her drive, and decided to let them be. But when she went out the next morning, "They were having actual sex on my driveway. The movement going on under the cover was unmistakable," Preston wrote in the Hull Daily Mail. Still, she was worried about running over them, so she called police, who eventually removed them. "If I was homeless, I'd come here too," Preston wrote. "Where else can you go for a posh meal, followed by cocktails in a swanky bar and finish the night stepping over some frisky homeless people fornicating on your driveway?" [Hull Daily Mail, 12/4/2017]

A Message From God?

An 18th-century statue of the crucified Jesus that was removed for restoration from the church of St. Agueda in Burgo de Osma, Spain, held a surprise in a most unusual spot. As historians removed from Jesus's backside a section of the carving meant to look like a cloth, they discovered two handwritten letters dated 1777 and signed by Joaquin Minguez, then-chaplain of the cathedral. Minguez details life in the community, including harvest reports and diseases, and tells about the sculpture's artist, Manuel Bal. Historian Efren Arroyo told the Spanish newspaper El Mundo it appears Minguez intended his letters to be a sort of time capsule. The original letters were sent to the Archbishop of Burgos for archiving, but copies were returned to Jesus's hindquarters to honor Minguez's intent. [National Geographic, 12/4/2017]

Awesome!

Chuck E. Cheese restaurants are undergoing an evolution of sorts, and employees at the location in Oak Lawn, Illinois, were only following company protocol when they took sledgehammers to the plastic head of the animatronic mouse on Nov. 28. In a video recorded by a reporter with the Oak Lawn Patch, two female employees half-heartedly strike Chuck's head for several minutes before it finally breaks apart. Meanwhile, other workers load furniture and games into a moving van. The Oak Lawn location has closed after experiencing a particularly difficult period, as it became the scene of violent brawls and gang activity. But they won't have Chuck E. to kick around anymore. [Oak Lawn Patch, 11/28/2017]

Inexplicable

A suburban parking lot in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, has been the scene of repeated crashes, as drivers there can't seem to avoid the Sage Hill Rock -- a large boulder surrounded by yellow cement curbs. At least three photos of cars that have collided with the rock -- two hung up on it and the third tipped over on its side -- were posted on social media over the weekend of Dec. 2, according to the CBC. "I don't know how you miss this big rock," said Brangwyn Jones, who lives in Sage Hill. An employee of a nearby business said the rock was placed in its spot to keep people from driving over the curb. The management company of the retail center had planned to remove it, but an uproar from community members ("It's far too entertaining!") may have stalled those plans. [CBC, 12/4/2017]

Unclear on the Concept

The Jilin Daily newspaper in eastern China has provided a handy guide for residents about what to do in case of a nuclear attack from North Korea. Cartoons illustrate how to wash radioactive contaminants from shoes with water and use cotton swabs to clean out ears. "If war breaks out," commented the state-backed Global Times, "it is not possible to rule out the Korean Peninsula producing nuclear contaminants, and countermeasures must be ... spoken openly about to let the common folk know. But at the same time, there is absolutely no reason to be alarmed." [NBC News, 12/6/2017]

It's Good to Have Goals

Ryan Nanni, a sportswriter for SB Nation, had just one career goal for 2017: He wanted to wear the bloomin' onion costume at the Outback Bowl in Tampa, Florida. He had hinted repeatedly on social media about his wish, but Outback Steakhouse didn't take notice until he challenged the chain directly on Twitter on Dec. 5: "How many retweets is it going to take for you to let me fulfill my destiny and become Bloomin' Onion Man?" The Tampa Bay Times reports that when Outback set the bar at 10,000 retweets, Nanni collected more than 13,000 in just 24 hours. "We should've made that harder," Outback tweeted to Nanni. However, Nanni will wear the costume only during the third quarter of the Jan. 1 contest, with a "professional" representing Outback through the remainder of the game. [Tampa Bay Times, 12/6/2017]

Chengdu, China, street barber Xiong Gaowu offers a most unusual service at his roadside location in Sichuan province. For $12, Xiong will scrap the inside of his customers' eyelids using a straight razor, according to Reuters. Xiong suggests being "gentle, very, very gentle" when performing eyelid shaving, or "blade wash eyes," as the technique is known in Mandarin. A Chengdu ophthalmologist, Qu Chao, says shaving may unblock moisturizing sebaceous glands along the rim of the eyelid, leading to a more comfortable and refreshed feeling. "If he can properly sterilize the tools that he uses, I can see there is still a space for this technique to survive," Qu added. [Reuters, 11/24/2017]

Uncontained Excitement

Traffic slowed to a crawl on I-95 in Palm Beach County, Florida, on Nov. 21 as President Trump's motorcade arrived for the Thanksgiving holiday. Author and sportswriter Jeff Pearlman was among the delayed drivers, but things turned weird when "these people (kept) getting out of the car dancing," he posted in a Twitter video. WPTV reported that Pearlman recorded the people two cars in front of him emerging from their car and twerking on the highway, then jumping and dancing around enthusiastically before getting back in the vehicle. [KSHB TV, 11/22/2017]

Compulsion

A 35-year-old Indian man employed a unique method for dealing with his depression: swallowing metal. Maksud Khan was rushed to surgery at Sanjay Gandhi Hospital in Satna, Madhya Pradesh, India, after developing severe abdominal pains, according to Metro News. An endoscopy showed that Khan had "coins, nails and nut-bolts in his stomach," said Dr. Priyank Sharma, who led the surgical team. In late November, surgeons removed 263 coins, 100 nails and other metal items, including razor blades and dog chains, from Khan's stomach. His family had no idea he had been ingesting metal, and Khan promised doctors he would never eat metal again. [Metro News, 11/26/2017]

Unclear on the Concept

-- In Iowa, autumn is breeding season for deer, when the animals can get a little wacky and try to cross roadways. It's also the time of year when the Iowa Department of Transportation begins fielding questions from drivers asking why deer crossing signs aren't erected at safer spots for deer to cross. "This sign isn't intended to tell deer where to cross," the Iowa DOT helpfully posted on its Facebook page on Oct. 24, according to the Des Moines Register. "It's for drivers to be alert that deer have been in this area in the past." State Farm Insurance reports that Iowa drivers have the fourth-highest likelihood in the U.S. of hitting a deer. Coincidence? [Des Moines Register, 11/25/2017]

-- Rocky, an enterprising 7-month-old border collie in Devon, England, took the command "bring the sheep home" a little too literally in early November when he herded nine sheep into his owner's kitchen. "I was in the kitchen and heard a noise," Rocky's owner, Rosalyn Edwards, told the BBC. "I turned around and the sheep were just standing there. It was funny at the time, but then there was quite a lot of wee, poo and mud everywhere." The sheep stood around for a few minutes, then allowed themselves to be shown out the front door. [BBC, 11/3/2017]

Irony

As elder members of the First United Methodist Church in Tellico Plains, Tennessee, gathered on Nov. 16 to discuss the recent church shooting in Sutherland Springs, Texas, one of those present asked if anyone had brought a gun to church. One man spoke up and said he carries a gun everywhere, reported WATE-TV, and produced the gun, emptying the chambers before passing the weapon around. When the owner got the gun back, he replaced the magazine and recharged the chamber -- accidentally squeezing the trigger and shooting himself in the hand and his wife in the abdomen. Both victims were taken by helicopter to the University of Tennessee Medical Center for treatment of non-life-threatening injuries. [WATE-TV, 11/16/2017]

Last Wishes

On Oct. 10, Richard Lussi, 76, of Plains Township, Pennsylvania, succumbed to heart disease. But before he died, he made sure his family knew there was one thing he wanted to take with him: a cheesesteak from Pat's King of Steaks in Philadelphia. "No onions because they'll come back to haunt me!" Lussi told his family. So the day before Lussi's funeral, his son, John, grandson, Dominic, and two friends drove to Philly, where they ate cheesesteaks and bought two extra for Lussi's casket. John told The Philadelphia Inquirer that the funeral director advised not putting the sandwiches in the coffin until after the viewing, "because people would take them." Pat's owner Frank Olivieri Jr. said he was flattered and proud that his cheesesteaks were held "so dear" by someone. "Maybe it's a bribe for St. Peter," he added. [The Philadelphia Inquirer, 11/17/2017]

In Your Own Backyard

Lisa Cramps moved into a new home in Mitcheldean, Gloucestershire, England, this fall and quickly discovered a mysterious manhole cover in her backyard. Rather than ignore it, Cramps dug up the cover and unearthed a World War II-era bunker underneath. Neighbors informed Cramps that the shelter pre-dates her house and originally had two stories, with the upper level partially above ground. "It's very exciting to find this in our garden," Cramps told Metro News. "I love Second World War history, and my mission now is to find out exactly why it's here." [Metro News, 11/28/2017]

Undignified Death

Linda Bringman, 64, of the Logan Square neighborhood of Chicago, died on Nov. 27 after being found unresponsive three days earlier with her head stuck between two posts of a wrought iron fence. Paramedics were called around noon that day to a PNC Bank branch where the fence was located, and Bringman was taken to the Illinois Masonic Medical Center in critical condition, the Chicago Sun-Times reported. Chicago Police could not provide an explanation for her being stuck in the fence, but they did not believe criminal activity was involved. [Chicago Sun-Times, 11/27/2017]

Inexplicable

Ja Du of Tampa, Florida, was born a white male named Adam Wheeler. Today, he is not only transsexual, but also considers himself transracial, saying he identifies as a Filipino. "Whenever I'm around the music, around the food, I feel like I'm in my own skin," Du told WTSP-TV in November. Du even drives a motorized rickshaw called a Tuk Tuk, a vehicle used for public transportation in the Philippines (but which Filipinos call "trisikels"). However, some Filipino-Americans are less than welcoming, claiming that Du has overlooked centuries of their people's struggle. "To say you are that race is both unrealistic and problematic," said Jackie Fernandez, a Filipino-American journalist. She believes Du has crossed a line between "cultural appreciation and appropriation." [WTSP, 11/17/2017]

Police Report

Stacy Scott of Anchorage, Alaska, arrived home on Nov. 24 to find thousands of dollars' worth of clothing and jewelry missing, along with a signature item, George the mounted zebra head, which was a gift from a friend. The thief was bold enough to call a taxi to use as the getaway car and loaded the zebra head into its trunk -- all of which was caught on surveillance camera at Scott's home. Anchorage police tracked down and arrested Desiree Fuller, 38, for felony burglary and theft, and recovered most of Scott's items. But George remained at large until the cab driver saw a story on KTVA-TV and contacted them -- he had been holding the zebra hostage because Fuller neglected to pay her cab fare. In the spirit of the season, George is home for the holidays. [KTVA, 11/27/2017]

No Longer Weird

Firefighters in North Philadelphia burrowed through trash for hours to free a man who was trapped in the back of a garbage truck on Nov. 27. Philadelphia Police were not sure how the 33-year-old unnamed man had landed in the truck, but speculated he may have been sleeping in a dumpster when it was emptied into the truck. WCAU News reported that the man went to the hospital with abdomen, hip and leg injuries. [NBC 10, 11/27/2017]

White people living in Lawrenceville, Georgia, had the chance of a lifetime on Nov. 16 to attend a "Come Meet a Black Person" event sponsored by Urban MediaMakers, a group for filmmakers and content creators. Cheryle Moses, who founded the group, said she read in a 2013 study that most white people don't have any nonwhite friends. "I want to do my part to change things," she told The Washington Post. "I have never met a black person," one person commented on Moses' Facebook post. "What do you recommend I bring that they would like?" Later, WXIA-TV reported that more the two dozen people showed up to share chili and cornbread, but fewer than a half-dozen were white. [The Washington Post, 11/15/2017; 11Alive.com, 11/17/2017]

Unclear on the Concept

The Detroit Police Department got a little carried away on Nov. 9 while trying to address a persistent drug problem on the city's east side. Two undercover special ops officers from the 12th Precinct were posing as drug dealers on a street corner when undercover officers from the 11th Precinct arrived and, not recognizing their colleagues, ordered the 12th Precinct officers to the ground. Shortly, more 12th Precinct officers showed up and the action moved to a house where, as Fox 2 News described it, a turf war broke out as officers from the two precincts engaged in fistfights with each other. An internal investigation is underway, and the police department has declined comment. [FOX 2 TV, 11/13/2017]

Rude Awakening

A family in Vero Beach, Florida, were rudely awakened early on Nov. 11 when Jacob Johnson Futch, 31, climbed onto their roof to, as he later told authorities, carry out a meeting with an agent of the Drug Enforcement Agency. WPTV reported the family didn't know Futch and called Indian River Sheriff's deputies to say that someone was stomping on their roof, yelling and howling. When asked, Futch admitted injecting methamphetamines earlier that morning. He was charged with trespassing and held in the Indian River County jail. [WPTV, 11/14/2017]

The Continuing Crisis

An unnamed man in Frankfurt, Germany, called police 20 years ago to report his Volkswagen Passat missing, believing it had been stolen. In November, the car was found just where the driver had left it, according to Metro News -- in a parking garage that is now scheduled to be demolished. Police drove the 76-year-old to the garage to be reunited with his car, which is unfit to drive, before sending it off to the scrap heap. [Metro News, 11/16/2017]

Flying Solo

Office workers at Cambridge Research Park in Waterbeach, Cambridgeshire, England, feared the worst as they rushed outside on Nov. 13 after watching a hot air balloon crash into a fence in their parking lot. Strangely, no one was in the basket of the balloon, although the gas canister was still running. Eyewitness Jack Langley told Metro News: "Either they had bailed out and jumped out before crashing or the balloon escaped from its mooring lines." Cambridgeshire Police later discovered the balloon had taken off when the pilot got out of the basket to secure it to the ground. [Metro News, 11/14/2017]

Bright Ideas

-- Dunedin, New Zealand, police Sgt. Bryce Johnson told Stuff.nz that he's seen people reading newspapers, putting on makeup and using their mobile phones while driving, but pulling over a driver who was playing bagpipes while driving, as he did on Nov. 15, was a first for him. "His fingers were going a million miles an hour," Johnson said. The driver, who admitted to being a bagpipe player, said he was only doing "air bagpipe," and a search of the car did not turn up the instrument. He was released with a warning, but Johnson urged other drivers to keep both hands on the wheel at all times. [Stuff.nz, 11/15/2017]

-- The Hopkinton, Massachusetts, Police Department cited an unnamed driver of a Buick Century on Nov. 12 for making their own license plate out of a pizza box and markers. The plate, which reads "MASS" at the top and sports a sloppily rendered six-digit number, prompted police to post some helpful warnings to creative citizens on its Facebook page and resulted in charges including operating an uninsured and unregistered vehicle and attaching "fake homemade" plates. [United Press International, 11/16/2017]

Crime Report

In the wee hours of Nov. 5, before the McDonald's in Columbia, Maryland, had opened, a woman reached through the drive-thru window and tried to pour herself a soda, but she couldn't reach the dispenser. The Associated Press reports that, rather than driving down the road to a 24-hour restaurant, she can be seen on surveillance video squeezing herself through the drive-thru window, pouring herself a soda and collecting a box full of unidentified items before taking off. The thief remains at large. [AP via ABC News, 11/16/2017]

Oh, Canada

Montreal police may win the Funsuckers of the Year award after pulling over 38-year-old Taoufik Moalla on Sept. 27 as he drove to buy a bottle of water in Saint-Laurent. Moalla was enthusiastically singing along to C+C Music Factory's song "Gonna Make You Sweat" when a patrol car pulled behind him with lights and sirens blaring. Officers directed him to pull over, and four officers surrounded Moalla's car. "They asked me if I screamed," Moalla told CTV News. "I said, 'No, I was just singing.'" Then he was issued a $149 ticket for screaming in public, a violation of "peace and tranquility." "I understand if they are doing their job, they are allowed to check if everything's OK," said a "very shocked" Moalla, "but I would never expect they would give me a ticket for that." His wife, however, said she wasn't surprised and would have given him a ticket for $300. [CTV News, 10/22/2017]

Awesome!

Indian computer coder Suyash Dixit braved perilous terrorist-infested territory and drove six hours in early November to plant his flag and declare himself king in the last remaining unclaimed habitable place on Earth -- Bir Tawil, a border area between Sudan and Egypt. "I am the king! This is no joke, I own a country now! Time to write an email to U.N.," he told The Telegraph. King Dixit has also created a website for his new nation, where he is encouraging people to apply for citizenship. However, Anthony Arend, an international law and politics scholar, scolds that "under international law, only states can assert sovereignty over territory." [The Telegraph, 11/14/2017]

The Litigious Society

The Canadian Press reports that Lorne Grabher of Nova Scotia, Canada, is suing the Transport Department to keep his vanity plate, which reads GRABHER. The retiree has sported the namesake plate for 27 years, but in January it was revoked for being "inappropriate," and authorities denied the reason was because of its similarity to a suggestive comment by President Donald Trump revealed during his campaign. "I am increasingly dismayed by the hypersensitivity of some people who are 'offended' by every little thing they encounter," Grabher wrote in his affidavit. He went on to say that he is proud of his Austrian-German surname. Grabher's case is scheduled to be heard in the Nova Scotia Supreme Court in September 2018. [Canadian Press via The Chronicle Herald, 11/14/2017]