A presumably humiliated opossum "ran off" in late October after three Pennsylvania men posted photos on social media of themselves giving it beer and kissing it. The Pennsylvania State Game Commission was unamused by the antics of Michael Robert Tice, 18, of Newport; David Mason Snook, 19, of Reedsville; and Morgan Scot Ehrenzeller, 20, of McAlisterville, and charged them on Nov. 2 with unlawful possession of wildlife and disturbing wildlife. According to TribLive, Tice kissed and held the animal while Snook poured beer on its head and into its mouth. The men couldn't be reached for comment. [TribLive, 11/3/2017]

Be Kind to Animals

-- Donna Byrne, 53, of Polk County, Florida, was charged with driving under the influence on Nov. 2, but it was her mode of transportation that earned her an animal neglect charge. Byrne was riding her horse, Boduke, down a busy road in Lakeland in the middle of the afternoon. When officers reached Byrne, she was staggering and had red, watery eyes -- explained by her breath alcohol level, which was more than twice the legal limit, Polk County Sheriff's Office spokesman Brian Bruchey told the Orlando Sentinel. Boduke got a ride to the sheriff's Animal Control livestock facility, but Bruchey said he'd most likely be returned to Byrne, whose rap sheet includes cruelty to animals and drug possession. [Orlando Sentinel, 11/3/2017]

-- In Darmstadt, Germany, police detained a 19-year-old man on Nov. 7 after they noticed "a significant bulge in his trousers" and discovered he was carrying a baby python in his pants. The unnamed man was carrying on a loud, drunken argument with another man when police were called, reported The Guardian. Officers took the man and the snake to the police station, where the snake was put in a box, and authorities considered whether the "non-species-appropriate transport" could be a violation of animal protection laws. [The Guardian, 11/8/2017]

Nakedly Weird

A family of three were taken from their home and forced into a car on Nov. 7 in Leduc County, Alberta, Canada, by five naked people. The man, who was placed in the trunk, quickly escaped, and his wife and baby also managed to get away, according to The Canadian Press. A passing truck driver picked up the three victims, but then the naked kidnappers' car rammed his truck from behind, sending it into a ditch. Royal Canadian Mounted Police caught up with the criminals; of the five, two were minors and were not charged. The adults faced charges of kidnapping and resisting arrest. The RCMP gave no explanation for why the five kidnappers were naked, but posited that drugs or alcohol may have been involved. [Canadian Press, 11/7/2017]

Smooth Reactions

Tempers flared in Minot, North Dakota, before 33-year-old Cornelius Marcel Young was charged with terrorizing after attacking his fiancee's brother at a trailer park on Nov. 3. The Minot Daily News reported that Young yelled at the brother, punched him in the face and knocked him into a wall after he had turned up the thermostat in the trailer, according to a Minot Municipal Court affidavit. When the brother threatened to call police, Young brandished a knife, as his fiancee jumped on his back and bit his ear "to distract him." Two children were in the trailer during the fight but were uninjured. [Minot Daily News, 11/8/2017]

Ow Ow Ow!

A Chicago wiener stand was the scene of a crime gone south on Oct. 31 when Terrion Pouncy, 19, accidentally discharged his gun, which he was trying to conceal in his pants, and shot himself in a most sensitive location. The Chicago Tribune reported police were called to the Original Maxwell Street Polish at about 6 a.m., after a hooded man threatened employees with a small-caliber pistol. One of the employees gave him money from the cash register, according to the complaint against Pouncy, after which the robber stole the man's cellphone and wallet, and ran outside, stuffing the gun in his pants, but it went off twice, striking his "groin" and thigh. Pouncy kept running and eventually called 911 to report that he'd been shot. He was charged with two counts of armed robbery with a firearm, but couldn't appear for his bond hearing, as he was recovering at a local hospital. [Chicago Tribune, 11/3/2017]

Compelling Explanation

The Stardust Ranch in Rainbow Valley, Arizona, has a lot to offer potential buyers: Just an hour west of Phoenix, the property boasts a 3,500-square-foot home with a pool, 10 acres, barns, a gated entry ... and two portals to another dimension: one at the back of the property, and one in the fireplace. Owner John Edmonds and his wife bought the property, now listed at $5 million, 20 years ago to run a horse rescue, but he says he's killed more than a dozen extraterrestrials on the property (using a samurai sword) and has suffered many injuries in his encounters with them. Edmonds told KPNX TV in October that aliens tried to abduct his wife: "They actually levitated her out of the bed in the master chamber and carried her into the parking lot and tried to draw her up into the craft." (She won't enter the room anymore.) Listing agent Kimberly Gero notes: "This isn't the type of property that you can just place in the MLS and wait for a buyer to come along." [KPNX, 10/25/2017]

Who Knew?

Poland has one of the lowest birth rates in Europe, so the Polish Health Ministry is using the example of rabbits to encourage its citizens to multiply. The ministry produced a short video with a rabbit "narrator" who explains that members of the Leporidae family enjoy exercise, a healthy diet and little stress. "If you ever want to be a parent, follow the example of rabbits," the video suggests. The ministry said in a statement to the Associated Press in early November that it was looking for a way to increase public awareness about the low birth rate that "did not offend anyone and was not vulgar." [The Associated Press, 11/8/2017]

Inexplicable

Boriska Kipriyanovich, 21, of Volgograd, Russia, claims that he lived on Mars until a long-ago war wiped out all life on that planet and he has now been reborn on Earth. As a Martian, he visited Earth, where his people had close ties to ancient Egyptians; that's how he knows there is a mechanism behind the ear of the Great Sphinx of Giza that can unlock it, which will "significantly change" life on Earth. His mother told Metro News in November that Kipriyanovich could read by the age of 1, draw by 2 and has talked about ancient civilizations since he was a small boy, despite not having been taught about them. Among his revelations about Martians: They stop aging at age 35 and are immortal; they grow to about 7 feet tall and breathe carbon dioxide; and they still live on Mars, but underground. No further word about what changes an "unlocked" Sphinx will bring. [Metro News, 11/7/2017]

Unusual Hobbies

Kung fu master Li Weijun used his bare hands to smash 302 walnuts in 55 seconds on Nov. 1, breaking a Guinness World Record. The previous record, held by a man in India, was 212 walnuts in one minute, according to United Press International. Weijun accomplished the feat in Foshan City, Guangdong Province, China, with video cameras rolling to capture the proof, which has been submitted to Guinness for official recognition. [United Press International, 11/2/2017]

Wait, What?

In case simply eating fried chicken isn't enough for KFC fans in Japan, Twitter users there have an opportunity to luxuriate in the essence of one of 100 KFC "bath bombs" -- bath salts infused with the fast food giant's signature "11 herbs and spices." KFC tells United Press International that the limited edition bath bombs won't be sold in stores, but people who retweet the chain's promotional post will be entered to win one. [United Press International, 11/8/2017]

Three teenagers from Rahway, New Jersey, who call themselves the Rahway Bushmen, have been discouraged from their signature prank: dressing up as bushes and popping up in Rahway River Park to say "Hi!" to unsuspecting passersby. NJ.com reported in October that the Union County Police Department warned the Bushmen that they would be arrested if caught in action. The high school students started by jumping out to scare people, but decided to soften their approach with a gentler greeting. "We were trying to be harmless," one of the Bushmen said. "It's more or less an idea to try to make people smile." But Union County Public Information Officer (and fun sucker) Sebastian D'Elia deadpanned: "It's great until the first person falls and sues the county." Or puts an eye out. [NJ.com, 10/26/2017]

Animal Troublemakers

-- Pilots were warned of "low sealings" at Wiley Post-Will Rogers Memorial Airport in Utqiagvik, Alaska, on Oct. 23 because of an obstruction on the runway: a 450-pound bearded seal. Meadow Bailey of the Alaska Department of Transportation told KTVA-TV that the city, also known as Barrow, was hit by heavy storms that day, and airport staff discovered the seal while clearing the runway. However, staff are not authorized to handle marine animals, so North Slope Animal Control stepped in, using a sled to remove the seal. Bailey said animals such as musk ox, caribou and polar bears are common on the runway, but the seal was a first. [KTVA, 10/25/2017]

-- About two dozen car owners in the Nob Hill neighborhood of Snellville, Georgia, were perturbed in late October by what they thought was vandalism: Their cars' side mirrors were being shattered, even in broad daylight. Finally, according to WSB-TV, one resident caught the real perpetrator: a pileated woodpecker who apparently believes his reflection in the mirrors is a rival. Because pileated woodpeckers are a protected species, neighbors had to get creative with their solution. They are now placing plastic bags over their side mirrors while the cars are parked. [WSB-TV, 10/24/2017]

Undignified Death

Nathan William Parris, 72, met his unfortunate end when a cow he was trying to move turned against him at his farm in Floyd County, Georgia, on Oct. 25. Parris was pinned against a fence by the recalcitrant cow, reported the Rome News-Tribune, which caused him severe chest trauma. First responders tried to revive him, but he was pronounced dead at the Redmond Regional Medical Center emergency room. [Rome News-Tribune, 10/26/2017]

Ironies

-- Workers at a Carl's Jr. in Santa Rosa, California, were busy filling an order for 165 Super Star burgers for first responders to the Fountaingrove area wildfires on Oct. 26 when a grease fire broke out in the restaurant. The fire started in the char broiler and then jumped to the exhaust system. Franchise co-owner Greg Funkhouser told The Press-Democrat the building was "completely torn up. ... We made it through the big one, only to get taken out by this." When the person who placed the order arrived to pick it up, he saw six Santa Rosa Fire Department trucks in the parking lot and left, so Funkhouser handed out free burgers to "anyone around." [The Press-Democrat, 10/26/2017]

-- A Henrietta, New York, gifts and oddities store earned its name on Oct. 24 when a garbage truck rolled between two gas pumps and across a road to crash into the 200-year-old building where the store had opened in June. Jeri Flack, owner of A Beautiful Mess, told WHAM-TV that her building is "wrecked in the front so bad that I can't open back up." Witnesses say the truck driver pulled into a spot at a Sunoco station across the street and got out to use the restroom. That's when the truck rolled away and barreled into the business. Sunoco employee T.J. Rauber said, "I see a lot of crazy stuff up here, but I ain't never seen nothing like that." [WHAM-TV, 10/24/2017]

Least Competent Criminal

Burglary suspect and career criminal Shane Paul Owen, 46, of South Salt Lake, Utah, was on the run from police on Oct. 24 when he dashed into a vacant church. A Salt Lake City SWAT team held a standoff at the church for more than six hours -- until Owen called 911 to say that he was locked in the church's boiler room and couldn't get out. "Can you hurry?" he asked the dispatcher. "I need to talk to them first so they don't ... shoot me," Owen pleaded. The Deseret News reported he was booked on outstanding warrants for retaliation against a witness, drug distribution and identity fraud. [Deseret News, 10/24/2017]

Ewwwww!

Two doctors from the University of Florence in Italy have documented the case of a woman who has been sweating blood from her face and the palms of her hands for about three years. Roberto Maglie and Marzia Caproni wrote in the Canadian Medical Association Journal that the unnamed Italian woman couldn't identify a trigger for the bleeding, but said times of stress would intensify it for periods of from one to five minutes. After ruling out the possibility that she was faking it, the doctors diagnosed her with hematohidrosis, a rare disease that causes blood to be excreted through the pores. They were able to treat her, but couldn't completely stop the bleeding. The cause remains a mystery. [United Press International, 10/24/2017]

Thinning the Herd

In Paris, a 21-year-old "train surfer" was killed on Oct. 24 when he fell to the train tracks after hitting an overhead obstacle. His two friends, who were riding atop a train on Metro Line 6 with him, ran away from the scene, according to The Sun. The three had been attempting the stunt at the Bir-Hakeim Bridge during rush hour. The unnamed victim was pronounced dead at the scene. [The Sun, 10/26/2017]

Anger Management?

Katarian Marshall, 24, of New Orleans, Louisiana, apparently hit her limit of "fun" at a Chuck E. Cheese in Metairie on Oct. 29 and began "indiscriminately" spraying pepper spray on nearby patrons during an altercation that got out of hand. The Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office told The Times-Picayune that five adults and two children were treated for exposure to the spray at the scene. Marshall was charged with disturbing the peace by fighting. [The Times-Picayune, 10/30/2017]

Model Parent

Amber L. Schmunk, 28, of Fredonia, Wisconsin, put all her resources to work in concocting a way to get a plastic kiddie pool from one house to another on Sept. 9. Her solution: She had her 9-year-old son climb on top of her minivan and hold down the pool as she drove through Saukville. She must have had second thoughts, though, because according to the Ozaukee Press, she told police the boy was up there for only 20 to 30 seconds before she pulled over and wedged the pool into the back of the minivan. Schmunk said she thought it would be OK for her son to ride atop the car because her father had allowed her to do similar things when she was a child. But officers disagreed, charging her with second-degree recklessly endangering safety. [Ozaukee Press, 10/18/2017]

Justice With a Side of Vocabulary

Daren Young, 30, of Kahului, Hawaii, will need a good dictionary and thesaurus for the task ahead of him. On Oct. 27, Second Circuit Judge Rhonda Loo sentenced Young, who violated a protection order taken out by his ex-girlfriend to the tune of 144 calls and texts, to write down 144 nice things about his ex -- without repeating any words. "For every nasty thing you said about her, you're going to say a nice thing," Loo commanded. The Maui News reported that Loo also meted out two years' probation, a $2,400 fine and 200 hours of community service. [Maui News, 10/30/2017]

The 72nd annual Yellville (Arkansas) Turkey Trot, which took place on Oct. 14, is famous for its Turkey Drop, in which live turkeys are dropped from a low-flying airplane and then chased by festivalgoers. This year, KY3.com reports, several turkeys were dropped during the afternoon despite animal-rights activists having filed a formal complaint with the sheriff's office, saying the pilot "terrorized" the birds. But pharmacist and past pilot Dana Woods told the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette: "We treat the turkeys right. That may sound ironic, but we don't abuse those turkeys. We coddle and pet those turkeys. We're good to them." Wild turkeys can fly, but in 2016, about a dozen turkeys were dropped and not all survived the fall. According to The Washington Post, over the past several years, local sponsors and the chamber of commerce have distanced themselves from the Turkey Drop, now more than five decades old. The Federal Aviation Administration is checking to see if any laws or regulations were broken, but said it has not intervened in past years because the turkeys are not considered to be projectiles. [KY3.com, 10/15/2017; Washington Post, 10/13/2017]

'Tis the Season

Could turkeys be sensing the peril of the season? Police in Bridgewater, Massachusetts, tweeted a warning to the town's residents on Oct. 15 about aggressive wild turkeys, WBZ-TV reported. As proof, an accompanying video showed four turkeys chasing a Bridgewater police cruiser, but police were not as amused as their Twitter followers. "Aggressive turkeys are a problem in town," the department tweeted. "State law doesn't allow the police or (animal control) to remove them." [WBZ-TV, 10/17/2017]

Update

In 1990, Marlene Warren, 40, answered her door in Wellington, Florida, and was shot in the face by a clown bearing balloons (one of which read "You're the greatest!") and flowers. On Sept. 26, Palm Beach County Sgt. Richard McAfee announced that Warren's widower's current wife, Sheila Keen Warren, 54, had been arrested for the murder, 27 years after the fact, and taken into custody in Abingdon, Virginia. Sheila Keen married Michael Warren in 2002, NBC News reported. (Warren went to prison in 1994 for odometer tampering, grand theft and racketeering in connection with his car rental agency.) Sheila had worked for him, repossessing cars, and they were reportedly having an affair when the murder took place. While Sheila had always been a suspect, new technology finally allowed prosecutors to retest DNA evidence and build a case against her. [NBC News, 9/27/2017]

Sex Therapy

Zookeepers believe China's 4-year-old giant panda Meng Meng, currently on loan to the Berlin Zoo, displays her displeasure with her surroundings, food or caretakers by walking backward. "Meng Meng is in puberty," zoo director Andreas Knieriem explained to the Berliner Zeitung newspaper on Oct. 22. "The reverse walk is a protest." To address the situation, zookeepers will introduce Meng Meng to Jiao Qing, a male giant panda three years older, who presumably will ease her frustration by engaging in sexual activity with her. [Reuters, 10/22/2017]

Lucky!

Kenyans Gilbert Kipleting Chumba and David Kiprono Metto were among the favorites to win the Venice Marathon on Oct. 22. Instead, Eyob Ghebrehiwet Faniel, 25, a local running in only his second marathon, took the prize after the lead runners were led several hundred meters off-course by an errant guide motorcycle. Faniel is the first Italian man to win the Venice Marathon in 22 years. "Today's race shows that the work is paying off," Faniel said following his victory. Uh, sure. [NPR, 10/23/2017]

Most Considerate Criminal

Nelly's Taqueria in Hicksville, New York, suffered a break-in on Oct. 3, but the burglar redefined the term "clean getaway." Surveillance video showed a man donning food-service gloves and starting a pot of water to boil before hammering open the cash register. He secured $100 in his pockets, leaving a dollar in the tip jar, then started "cooking up a storm," owner Will Colon told Newsday. Cameras recorded as the thief cooked beans, sauteed shrimp and chicken, and helped himself to a cold soda before enjoying his meal standing up. "The way he handled that pan, man, the dude had some skills," Colon said. Afterward, he carefully stored the leftovers in the refrigerator, cleaned his pans and wiped down all the surfaces he had used. Then he took off through the back window, the same way he had come in. [Newsday, 10/4/2017]

People Different From Us

-- In Lissone, Italy, 40-year-old fitness instructor Laura Mesi made news when she married herself in late September. "I told my relatives and friends that if I had not found my soul mate, I would marry myself by my 40th birthday," Mesi said, according to The Independent. She spent more than 10,000 euros ($11,700) for the occasion, which included a white wedding dress, a three-tiered cake, bridesmaids and 70 guests. Mesi is part of a self-marrying movement dubbed "sologamy" that has followers all over the world. Her marriage holds no legal significance. "If tomorrow I find a man to build a future with, I will be happy, but my happiness will not depend on him," Mesi declared. [The Independent, 9/27/2017]

-- An anonymous collector from Palm Beach, Florida, was the winning bidder in an Oct. 11 online auction for a half-smoked cigar that British Prime Minister Winston Churchill enjoyed during a 1947 trip to Paris. AP reports the 4-inch cigar remnant brought just over $12,000 in the auction managed by Boston-based RR Auction. The company says Churchill smoked the cigar on May 11, 1947, at Le Bourget Airport. A British airman, Cpl. William Alan Turner, kept the cigar after he and his crew flew Churchill and his wife between Paris and London. The label on the Cuban stogie includes Churchill's name. [Associated Press, 10/12/2017]

Least Competent Criminal

Greensburg, Pennsylvania, police made a traffic stop on Oct. 19 and found drug paraphernalia in plain sight on the car's front seat. When police asked where the occupants had obtained the heroin found in the center console, they said they had bought it from someone named Cody in the maternity ward at the Excela Health Westmoreland hospital in Greensburg. Officers arrested Cody R. Hulse, 25, at the hospital after he admitted to possessing and selling heroin just feet away from his newborn daughter. The Tribune-Review reported that police found 34 stamp bags of heroin, four empty bags and multiple hypodermic needles in Hulse's possession. "I have an issue myself with drugs ... heroin," Hulse told them. "I really didn't want to bring it in." Hulse's girlfriend, the mother of the newborn, said she did not know he was selling drugs from the room. [Tribune-Review, 10/20/2017]

Crime Report

Coroner's pathologist Elmo A. Griggs, 75, was arrested Sept. 12 in Morgan County, Indiana, for drunken driving, but it was what was rolling around in the back of his pickup truck that caught officers' attention. Along with a half-empty vodka bottle, Griggs was transporting several labeled totes, according to the Indianapolis Star, containing organic material. Marshal Bradley K. Shaw of the Brooklyn Police Department said early investigations showed the totes contained brain and liver samples. Griggs' wife posted on Facebook that he "had a bad day and had a couple of drinks before driving home," but court documents revealed he failed all field sobriety tests. [Indianapolis Star, 9/13/2017]

It's Good to Have Goals

Alysha Orrok of Portsmouth, New Hampshire, will head to Las Vegas in February to compete for the $10,000 prize in the National Grocers Association 2018 Best Bagger contest, reports The New York Times. Orrok, who recently won the New Hampshire competition, is a teacher who moonlights at a Hannaford Supermarket. Competitors are judged on multiple skills, including speed, weight distribution, appearance and technique. [New York Times, 10/13/2017]