Bryant Johnson of Casper, Wyoming, was on a mission on Oct. 2 when police responded to a call about a man warning citizens of an alien invasion coming next year. KTWO Radio in Casper reported that Johnson told police he had traveled back in time from 2048, explaining that the aliens filled his body with alcohol and had him stand on a giant pad that transported him back to 2017 -- although he was supposed to arrive in 2018. He also asked to speak with the "president of the town." Instead, Bryant was arrested for public intoxication. [KTWO Radio, 10/9/2017]

Farm Animals Gone Wild

The owners of a mischievous ass in Vogelsberg, Hesse, Germany, have been ordered to pay for damages after Vitus the donkey apparently mistook an orange McLaren Spider sports car for a carrot. When Markus Zahn left his $411,000 car parked next to a paddock on Sept. 16, 2016, he returned to find that Vitus had nibbled on its paint to the tune of almost $7,000 in damage. "The donkey had insurance, but the insurance didn't want to pay," Zahn told the BBC. Vitus's rap sheet also includes biting a Mercedes. [BBC, 9/28/2017]

Oops!

In Romania, it takes more than foul weather or a damaged field to stop football. On Sept. 24, a match between Bistrita Brosteni and Vanatorul Dorna Candrenilor was abandoned just 58 minutes in after all the teams' balls ended up in the nearby Bistrita River, according to the Hindustan Times. Bistrita was winning 2-0 when they ran out of balls. Fans suggested they might find the balls at the Bicaz dam nearby. [Hindustan Times, 9/28/2017]

Creeps on Parade

-- Samantha the intelligent sex doll suffered a number of indignities at the Ars Electronica Festival in Linz, Austria, in early September. Sergi Santos of Barcelona, Spain, who developed Samantha, said men at the show acted "like barbarians. Two fingers were broken. She was heavily soiled." Samantha, who talks, is also programmed to react when someone touches her. Santos told Metro News that Samantha would have to undergo repairs and cleaning, but she "can endure a lot. She will pull through." [Metro News, 9/27/2017]

-- Metro News also reports that women in Middlesbrough, Cleveland, England, have contacted police about a mysterious man handing out provocative notes in the streets. The notes begin: "No offence intended. You are simply a female that caught my eye. ... I am looking for a possible private arrangement. If you understand my meaning." The man has handed out several of the notes, one to a 14-year-old girl at Middlesbrough Bus Station. Her sister called the phone number at the bottom of the note and said the voice "sounded foreign." She went on: "It made me feel a bit uncomfortable and it set off my anxiety." [Metro News, 10/2/2017]

DO NOT EAT!

Doctors thought a 47-year-old postman in Preston, Lancashire, England, who complained of a persistent cough might have cancer, as he was a long-term smoker whose X-rays showed a spot on his lung. But when they removed the mass, the BBC reported, they found the "long-lost Playmobil traffic cone" the patient had received as a gift on his seventh birthday. He told doctors he had regularly swallowed the small pieces as a child and believed he had inhaled the tiny cone. Happy ending: After the toy was removed, the man's cough almost disappeared and his other symptoms improved. [BBC, 9/26/2017]

Corporate Shenanigans

The Russian division of Burger King has asked the country's Federal Anti-Monopoly Service to ban Stephen King's horror movie "It" from showing in Russian theaters because the clown character, Pennywise, looks too much like Ronald McDonald, and therefore the movie is advertising for McDonald's. However, the Hollywood Reporter noted, the movie opened in Russia on Sept. 7 and had already grossed millions of dollars by late September. A spokeswoman for the FAS, confirming that the complaint had been received, said, "We can't be concerned with the content of the film," but the agency would determine whether it contained advertising or product placement. [Hollywood Reporter, 9/26/2017]

Inexplicable

If you're already shopping for your 2018 calendar, Metro News recommends you don't overlook the Carponizer Carp Calendar, which features "12 beautiful carps with attractive women. On high quality paper." Oh, and the women are naked. Hendrik Pohler, 28, the calendar's creator, was struck with the idea when he was fishing with a friend "and at the spot next to us were two hot girls fishing," he told Maxim, which described the models as having "stiff, pained expressions." [Metro News, 10/3/2017]

Crime Report

Patrick Joseph Adams Jr., 36, of Great Falls, Montana, pulled the ultimate heist in July when he convinced two male friends and his girlfriend to help him "move out" of a house that wasn't his. One of the friends was suspicious when he saw a wall in the home dedicated to military service, but didn't remember that Adams had been in the service, the Great Falls Tribune reported. That friend left before the move was complete, but the rest of the group loaded about $40,000 worth of belongings into a U-Haul, requiring two trips. Later that evening, the true homeowner of the burglarized house called police and reported the theft, and through U-Haul records police were able to track Adams down. He was charged on Sept. 28 with burglary and criminal mischief. [Great Falls Tribune, 9/28/2017]

Bureaucracy in Action

Juana Escudero, 53, of Alcala de Guadaira, Spain, has been dead since May 13, 2010. Except she's still very much alive. FOX News reports that a Malaga, Spain, woman died on that date who shared Escudero's full name and birthdate. As a result, Escudero was pronounced dead by the government, which has given her headaches ever since. For instance, she can't renew her driver's license or go to the doctor. Finally, in April 2016, she tracked down the actual dead woman in Malaga, and in September of this year, she petitioned the courts to open the grave to prove that she is not the dead woman. She even offered to do a DNA test. "On the government's computers I am dead," Escudero said, "but for the banks I am alive and kicking." [FOX News, 9/27/2017]

Questionable Judgment

Minnesota State Police nabbed a motorcycle rider on Aug. 31 who was weaving in and out of traffic on Interstate 394 and performing stunts, all while wearing a panda suit, complete with an oversize animal head. The rider told police that the panda suit was meant to help his motorcycle videos "go viral," but police responded with a citation for reckless driving, and they confiscated the panda head. "A panda head will not protect you in a crash like a DOT-approved helmet would," police advised on their Facebook page. [United Press International, 10/3/2017]

Ironies

Samantha Faye Toope, 20, and Kelsie Laine Marie Mast, 23, inmates of the Edmonton (Alberta, Canada) Institution for Women, must have been pumped up about their successful escape from the prison on Oct. 2, so they headed to a downtown "escape room" -- a problem-solving and strategy game room where players are given limited time to find their way out. SideQuests Adventures owner Rebecca Liaw told CBC News that the women arrived at the business on Oct. 3 and inquired about the game. As Liaw explained how it works, five uniformed police officers arrived and handcuffed the cons, both of whom Edmonton police described as violent offenders with weapons offenses. "We get lots of interesting visitors," Liaw said, "but this is definitely top of the list." [CBC News, 10/4/2017]

You may have seen the widely distributed weird news story about the Mad Pooper, a woman who has been seen defecating on lawns in Colorado Springs, Colorado. According to KRDO.com, on Sept. 25, an unidentified man claiming to be a spokesman for the Pooper posted (and has since removed) two videos in which he tried to justify her movements and win sympathy for her. In the videos, the spokesman says the unidentified Pooper is not responsible for her actions because she has suffered a traumatic brain injury and has had gender reassignment surgery, leaving her unable to control herself. He also claims her actions are protected by the First Amendment, in response to which Colorado Springs attorney Jeremy Loew called foul: "Defecating in someone's yard is definitely not protected under the First Amendment and it is actually a crime." Loew went on: "People all over the world are talking about this, and police will catch her." [KRDO.com, 9/25/2017]

What's in a Name?

Death Wish Coffee -- a cold-brewed, canned coffee the company touts as "fiercely caffeinated" (as much as 4 1/2 times more caffeine per fluid ounce than regular coffee), with a skull and crossbones logo -- recalled its 11-ounce cans on Sept. 20 because they could possibly contain the deadly toxin botulin. Company founder Mike Brown, 37, said no incidents have been reported, but he is very serious about the safety of his product. "I know our logo and name might not seem like it reflects that," Brown told The Washington Post. Production has been halted, and customers can request refunds from Death Wish's website. [The Washington Post, 9/22/2017]

People Different From Us

-- Mermaid Aries, 18, of Bromsgrove, Worcestershire, England, likes to wear her specially made mermaid tail when she swims at local pools. But the Dolphin Centre in Bromsgrove, under new management, has banned her from using the flipper because "they worry I might hit someone with my tail or might get into trouble in the water and drown," Aries (real name Leia Trigger) told the Worcester News on Sept. 22. "It is my ambition to become a professional mermaid that attends children's parties and other events. The only problem is that I have nowhere to swim." (UPDATE: After the story made headlines, the Perdiswell Leisure Centre stepped up. Aquatic development officer Vanessa Bale welcomed Aries to the pool, offering her "early mornings and late evenings." Aries is thrilled: "I am absolutely ecstatic. I never thought I'd be able to swim with my tail ever again.") [Worcester News, 9/22/2017, 10/2/2017]

-- An anonymous bidder in the United States has purchased a pair of Adolf Hitler's boxer-style underwear for about $6,700, according to auctioneer Bill Panagopoulos of Alexander Historical Auctions in Chesapeake City, Maryland. The drawers, with a size 39 waist and "A.H." embroidered on them, apparently were left in the Parkhotel Graz in Austria in 1938, Panagopulos told Metro News on Sept. 24. The seller was the grandson of the people who owned the hotel at that time. Panagopulos supposes the buyer will frame the underwear and hang them on a wall in his or her home: "It would be the most talked-about relic in the house." [Metro News, 9/24/2017]

The Farce Is Strong

A black-and-white photo depicting the signing of the Charter of the United Nations in San Francisco in 1945 has prompted the recall and reprinting of Saudi social studies textbooks because it pictures Saudi King Faisal seated next to the Jedi master Yoda. The photograph was created by 26-year-old Saudi artist Abdullah Al Shehri, who mixes pop culture icons into historic photographs. Shehri told The New York Times in September he inserted Yoda into the photo because he reminded him of the king. "He was wise and was always strong in his speeches," Shehri said. "I am the one who designed it, but I am not the one who put it in the book," he clarified. Saudi education minister Ahmed al-Eissa apologized for the mistake, but the mystery of how the photo got into the book remains unsolved. [The New York Times, 9/21/2017]

It's Good to Have Goals

Octogenarians Ray and Wilma Yoder of Goshen, Indiana, have finally achieved a goal they set nearly 40 years ago: to visit every Cracker Barrel location in the United States. On Aug. 31, they checked off the last of 645 stops in Tualatin, Oregon, where they each received a Four-Star apron, the company's highest honor. The Yoders once stopped at 10 Cracker Barrels in one day as they traveled up the East Coast. "I've always walked away feeling refreshed," Ray Yoder told ABC News. "For two old people, we're pretty fast moving." [ABC News, 7/26/2017; NPR, 9/3/2017]

Bright Ideas

-- The Detroit Red Wings' new promotion commemorates the Joe Louis Arena, where the team played until this year, when they're moving to a new rink. The Detroit News reported in September that fans who want to keep the old home ice close to their hearts and contribute to the team's foundation can buy a small vial of limited edition "melted ice" taken from the arena's surface (otherwise known as water) for $85. Only 3,000 vials have been produced; they are accompanied by a framed photo of The Joe. [The Detroit News, 9/20/2017]

-- Even Superman underwear couldn't protect Nathan French, 19, from Halewood, Merseyside, England, as he climbed to the top of the highest mountain in Wales, 3,600-foot Snowdon. French managed to hike to the summit on Sept. 9, but he quickly succumbed to the elements -- perhaps because he was wearing ONLY Superman underwear, shoes and gloves. French, who is studying sport, nutrition and health in college, told The Guardian, "It was when I was at the top I was shaking uncontrollably." He rode the Snowdon mountain railway back down, but fell ill on the train: "I started to go deaf and my sight started to go funny." Paramedics said his blood sugar had dropped and he was showing signs of hypothermia. Miles Hill of the Llanberis mountain rescue team noted, "We hope Mr. French is back in the mountains soon, perhaps in the full suit (cape optional), rather than just the underwear." [The Guardian, 9/18/2017]

-- And police in Cumbria County, England, responded on Sept. 23 to a call for help from 3,210-foot Scafell Pike (England's highest mountain), where four men ran into trouble while hiking. However, their problems didn't stem from dehydration or a painful fall. Instead, it seems the group had become "incapable of walking due to cannabis use," police told The Guardian. A police spokesperson wrote on Facebook: "Now having to deploy rescue, air support and ambulance to rescue them. Words fail us ..." Cumbria police superintendent Justin Bibby reminded hikers that "alcohol or any other substance that could impair your judgment ... has no place on a mountain." [The Guardian, 9/24/2017]

The Passing Parade

South Western Railway in England took over for South West Trains in August and in its first six weeks collected more than 10,000 items left behind on trains -- including an inflatable shark, an ironing board, a barrister's wig, false teeth, a leather chair and hundreds of jackets. The BBC reported that lost property manager Michael Pugh is beseeching riders to check their seats before leaving the train. While his staff works hard "to ensure passengers are reunited with their belongings," Pugh said, items can be kept for only three months. [BBC, 9/25/2017]

Crime Report

Apparently, even crime goes better with Coke! The manager at Rally's restaurant in Henderson, Kentucky, was busy preparing for the day's business on Sept. 25 when a man dressed in a Coca-Cola bottle costume robbed him at gunpoint, stealing more than $500. The Coke bottle then left the restaurant without hurting the manager and headed north in a gray minivan, according to WFIE-TV. [WFIE 14 News, 9/25/2017]

People With Issues

Timothy Bates, 37, of Collierville, Tennessee, was arrested on Sept. 24 by the Secret Service after being observed urinating at the corner of 17th and Pennsylvania Avenue NW, near the White House in Washington, D.C. WTOP-FM reported that Bates explained to the officers that he was headed to the White House, where he hoped to meet with National Security Agency Director Adm. Mike Rogers and Defense Secretary Gen. James Mattis to find out "how to get the dog chip out of my head." He explained that he is part of the MK Ultra project, managed by the CIA, and had chips implanted in his head that cause headaches, shaking and convulsions. Bates also told officers he had weapons in his car, which amounted to nine firearms, brass knuckles, a black jack and three knives. A former Memphis police officer, Bates has been involuntarily committed twice this year for mental health reasons. [WTOP-FM, 9/25/2017]

Ebony Woody, 34, of Columbus, Ohio, was nothing if not thorough on the morning of Sept. 18 when, following an argument with her daughter, she purposely drove her car onto the sidewalk and struck the 17-year-old, who was walking to school, according to Columbus police. After knocking the girl down and running over her leg, Woody stopped and backed up, driving over the leg a second time. QFM96 reported Woody generously gave the girl a ride to her father's house, where she dropped her off without reporting the incident. Woody later turned herself in at police headquarters and faces charges of felonious assault, aggravated vehicular assault and endangering children. The daughter was treated for two fractures to her left leg. [QFM96, 9/20/2017]

Animals on the Lam

-- Auburn, Massachusetts, police received a number of calls over the weekend of Sept. 15-17 about a wayward goat, but it wasn't until the wee hours of Monday, Sept. 18, that No. 448 was finally corralled at the La Quinta Inn in Auburn, reported CBS Boston. The "mischievous runaway farm animal" was seen on surveillance video entering the lobby of the hotel and wandering the halls, "presumably to rest a bit," said police. Peter Blash, No. 448's owner, said the goat jumped a 5-foot-high fence and "took off like a criminal." However, Blash said, "I had one that made it all the way to Sturbridge." [CBS Boston, 9/20/2017]

-- Just north of Benton, Kansas, a rancher posted signs promising a reward to anyone who could help him find his missing longhorn cow, Mercedes. The Wichita Eagle reported the 3-year-old black-and-white bovine went missing on Sept. 11 during Cross Trails, a weekly cowboy church service at Greg Johnson's Prairie Rose Ranch. Friends, neighbors and family have searched high and low for Mercedes, recognizable by her 5-foot-wide horns, but the only sighting of her has been near the El Dorado, Kansas, Walmart, about 10 miles away. Johnson says this isn't the first time she's run off: "She is more of a loner." [The Wichita Eagle, 9/19/2017]

Questionable Judgment

Coolidge, Arizona, resident Victor Pratt boasts that he's played with snakes his whole life. So when a rattlesnake slithered by during a family party at a nearby lake on Sept. 7, Pratt grabbed the viper and showed the kids "how to catch it and I was playing with it like little kids do. I wasn't thinking. I was showing off," he admitted to FOX 10 News. The rattler apparently didn't want to play along and bit Pratt on his face and neck. Pratt's sons quickly drove him to a nearby emergency room, and he was later airlifted to Banner-University Medical Center Phoenix, where Dr. Steven Curry treated him. "There is a 100 percent chance he would have died if he'd not made it to the hospital within minutes," Curry noted. Pratt remained unconscious for several days. He told reporters he had learned his lesson and would not play with rattlesnakes again. [FOX 10 News, 9/15/2017]

Oops!

-- A family in Coventry, England, are "quite mortified" after calling the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals in September to rescue a lizard peeking from underneath a bed in their home. But when officer Vic Hurr arrived at the home, she discovered the "lizard" was not a "lizard at all, it was a pink stripy sock." The dirty imposter sock, about 7 inches long and 2 inches wide, wasn't moving, Hurr noted. "I think the family eventually saw the funny side," an RSPCA spokeswoman told the Independent. "The sock had obviously been there quite a while. It was a typical teenager's bedroom, I suppose." [The Independent, 9/14/2017]

-- The Caving Club at Indiana University explored Sullivan Cave in southern Indiana on Sept. 17, but when they headed back to campus, they forgot one thing: a 19-year-old freshman physics major who had become separated from the group and was trapped behind a locked gate. When the club president realized two days later that a caver had been left behind, members rushed back to save him. "You could tell they were pretty shaken up," the caver told the Indiana Daily Student. "They did near kill me." The student reported he licked moisture off the cave walls during the ordeal and wrote goodbye letters to his family on his iPhone until the battery died. (BONUS: The rescued caver's name is Lukas Cavar.) [Indiana Daily Student, 9/22/2017]

The Weird Apocalypse

Cable television viewers in Orange County, California, were stunned on the morning of Sept. 21 when an ominous message accompanied by an "Emergency Alert" banner flashed on the screen. At increased volume, a man's voice boomed: "Realize this, extremely violent times will come," said viewer Stacy Laflamme of Lake Forest, who was watching HGTV on the Cox Communications cable system. Spectrum customers also received the alert. The warning seemed especially timely given that doomsday writer David Meade had predicted the end of the world "as we know it" to occur two days later. Laflamme told the Orange County Register the message "sounded like a radio broadcast coming through the television." Dennis Johnson, a spokesman for Spectrum, said: "We have confirmed that we were fed an incorrect audio file," but neither company could determine where the audio had come from. [Orange County Register, 9/21/2017]

Bright Ideas

-- Kevin Michael Cook, 24, of New Castle, Pennsylvania, was too drunk to drive on Sept. 3, so he enlisted the help of an 8-year-old girl. WPXI News reports the girl told Darlington Township police that Cook, a family friend, ordered her into a car at her grandmother's house and forced her to drive him toward East Palestine, Ohio. The car stopped after nearly wrecking twice, as bystanders called 911. Police tried to give Cook a sobriety test, but he was too impaired to finish it. He was charged with endangering the welfare of a child, driving under the influence and driving without a license. [WPXI News, 9/21/2017]

-- Prosecutors in Geneva, Switzerland, are looking for the culprits who flushed about $100,000 in 500-euro notes down four toilets in the city in May -- one in the vault area of the UBS Bank, and the other three in nearby bistros. While neither throwing money away nor blocking a toilet is a crime, Vincent Derouand of the Geneva Prosecutor's Office told the Tribune de Geneve, "we want to be sure of the origin of the money." The cash was confiscated during the investigation, but Derouand said there was no immediate reason to think it was dirty money. [Tribune de Geneve via Reuters, 9/18/2017]

Government in Action

Texas state Rep. Dawnna Dukes' corruption trial is scheduled for Oct. 16, when she will face charges of giving a taxpayer-funded raise to a legislative aide as compensation for ferrying Dukes' daughter between school and home. The Austin American-Statesman reports that prosecutors in Travis County also plan to present evidence of 19 additional "extraneous acts," including accusations that Dukes spent $51,000 in taxpayer money on an online psychic, was absent for roll call 65 percent of the time, and appeared impaired at a House committee meeting when she showed up late, explaining: "I know I'm talking a lot. I'm full of morphine and will be headed out of here soon." [Austin American-Statesman, 9/20/2017]

Awesome!

The Greene County (Tennessee) Sheriff's Department alerted drivers along Chuckey Pike on Sept. 20 not to be alarmed by a body that appeared to have been crushed by a house's garage door. "THIS IS A HALLOWEEN DECORATION!" the department's Facebook page warns. "Do NOT call 911 reporting a dead body." Officers had rushed to the scene with sirens blaring after a caller reported the body, but then discovered the clever (but really early) holiday tableau. [FOX News, 9/21/2017]