Guests at Scotland's Macdonald Loch Rannoch hotel were terrorized by Robert Fergus, 72, and his wife, Ruth, 69, in February when the Troon couple rampaged through the lobby with scissors and threatened to shoot other guests. The incident apparently began when Mrs. Fergus pounded on a hotel room door at 1:45 a.m., leading the guest within to call front desk staff, who Mrs. Fergus told her husband treated her "with hostility." That's when Mr. Fergus "reacted disproportionately" by running naked into the lobby with scissors, cutting communications cables and shouting that he would "slit" and "kill" onlookers. Meanwhile, Mrs. Fergus told staff she was going to "get a gun and shoot you," according to prosecutor Michael Sweeney. Staff and guests ran out of the hotel, while Mr. and Mrs. Fergus returned to their room to pack and took off in their BMW. They were apprehended when they flagged down a police car to accuse the hotel staff of abusing them, and Mr. Fergus could not pass a breath test. At their sentencing on Sept. 1, their attorneys blamed overconsumption of alcohol for their behavior, noting that Robert Fergus "had previously been of good character." Nonetheless, they were fined 4,100 pounds and ordered to pay 800 pounds to cover the cost of damage to the hotel. [The Guardian, 9/1/2017]

Criminal's Remorse

An anonymous Australian tourist mailed back a small stone he lifted from the Cwmhir Abbey in Wales, a Cistercian monastery founded in 1176, in August. The thief included a note explaining his remorse: "I have been an avid follower of the Welsh kings and their history, and so I took this rock. Ever since, I have had the most awful luck as if Llewellyn (sic) himself was angry with me." Llywelyn ap Gruffudd, the last native prince of Wales, was beheaded and buried at the abbey in 1282, and legend says his ghost haunts the abbey. The trust that manages the abbey put the returned stone and the note on display, presumably to deter future sticky-fingered visitors. [Metro News UK, 9/1/2017]

A Singular Obsession

-- In Wenzhou City, China, an 11-year-old boy underwent surgery in August to remove 26 magnetic Buckyballs from his penis. The balls caused a blockage in the boy's urethra, which caused bleeding and swelling. He told pediatrician Wang Yongbiao that he put the toys in his penis because he was "curious." (Bonus: The boy was identified in news reports as "Pi Pi.") [Metro News UK, 8/30/2017]

-- An unnamed 35-year-old man in Liaoning Province in China was rushed to the hospital with intense pain and bloody urine in June, after having inserted sewing needles into his penis over the past year. It took doctors at the General Hospital of Shenyang Military Region only an hour and a half to remove 15 needles, measuring from about 2 to 4 inches long. The urologist, Dr. Cao Zhiqiang, said patients who engage in this type of behavior "are looking for excitement through unusual ways." He suggested caution for those who "fascinate about peculiar sex." [Daily Mail, 6/23/2017]

Ironies

A Turkish homeless man who was sentenced to house arrest in June has had his sentence altered to better reflect his circumstances. Baris Alkan, 31, had been confined to a specific area, an empty spot enclosed by metal plates, near a bus station after being detained for using and selling drugs. "I don't have a home address, so I have to stay here," he said. "Even though I don't have a house, I'm under house arrest." The court subsequently lifted the house arrest order and now requires Alkan to sign in at a nearby police station once a month. [Hurriyet Daily News, 6/23/2017]

People Different From Us

Emily Mueller, 33, of Ohio asked a photographer friend, Kendrah Damis, to take pictures of her pregnant with her fourth child -- and covered in 20,000 bees. Mueller, who is a beekeeper, checked with her doctor before the photo session and was stung three times during the shoot. She said she associates bees with life and death: "Bees came into my life in a time that we had just suffered a miscarriage," Mueller said. "That's where everything fell into place for me -- when honeybees entered my life." She hopes the maternity photos will highlight the importance of bees. [United Press International, 9/1/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

Steven Gomez-Maya, 20, handed tellers at the TD Bank North in Seymour, Connecticut, a note on Aug. 19, demanding money. He apparently failed to notice that his note was written on the back of his girlfriend's pay stub, and when he tried to return to the bank (presumably to retrieve the note), the doors were locked. Seymour police tracked down the owner of the pay stub, and when they arrived at the girlfriend's home, they caught Gomez-Maya as he was driving away. The hat he wore during the robbery and "a large amount of $10 bills" were found in the car, and he was charged with first-degree robbery. [Valley Independent Sentinel, 8/31/2017]

Animals Run Amok

A swan on the grounds of Blarney Castle in Ireland suffered a harrowing experience on Aug. 31 when it landed in a field where cattle were grazing. At first, the cattle just looked the swan over, but when the bird hissed at them, they took off after it. The swan tried to fly away, but the cows butted and stamped on it. Garden manager at the castle Adam Whitbourn was finally able to lean over a fence and drag the swan out of harm's way. "It was an aggressive attack," Whitbourn said. "I put (the swan) back in the lake and have checked on him twice. He's sitting there looking bedraggled so I'm hoping it's a happy ending." Rather than a swan song. [Irish Examiner, 9/1/2017]

The Classic Middle Name

Anthony Wayne Sandusky, 26, of Mascotte, Florida, was welcomed into the home of a Groveland woman on Aug. 22 because he had nowhere else to go. She went to sleep, and when she woke up, her mother said Sandusky had closed all the blinds, locked the doors and was carrying their possessions out the back door. She found two bags of items in a nearby field, including a stamp collection valued at $250,000. When confronted by police, Sandusky said he took the items because the woman was "being mean to him." [NEWS 13, [8/25/2017]

Compelling Explanation

Andrew Shaw, 44, of Lancashire, England, appeared before the Blackpool Magistrates Court on Aug. 29, facing three counts of possessing obscene images of children on his computer. Shaw and his wife arrived at the court with their guide dogs, as both are legally blind (Shaw has a small amount of sight in one eye). His attorney explained: "It may be argued that difficulty with his vision makes it difficult to put an age to images he downloads. He may think he is looking at 16-year-olds." Shaw was granted bail. [The Telegraph, 8/29/2017]

Oops!

Most news items about sinkholes highlight the large size of the hole. But a man in Brooklyn, New York, was trapped by a sinkhole in the middle of the street that was just big enough to swallow his leg. Steven Suarez, 33, was making a delivery with a hand truck on Myrtle Avenue on Aug. 29 when his foot disappeared into the pavement. "I was scared," Suarez said. "It was my whole entire right leg, up until my tailbone basically." Suarez was trapped for nearly an hour as bystanders directed traffic around him and rescue workers tried to free him. Co-worker Joe Grunbaum, 32, said Suarez seemed to be in a lot of pain, but the only casualty of the incident turned out to be Suarez's right sneaker. [NY Daily News, 8/29/2017]

What's in a Name?

The state administration for industry and commerce in China has had to put its foot down about long, ridiculous names for companies. New guidelines prohibit long-winded names, such as There Is a Group of Young People With Dreams, Who Believe They Can Make the Wonders of Life Under the Leadership of Uncle Niu Internet Technology Co. Ltd. This northern China company, which makes condoms, will now be known as just Uncle Niu. The new restrictions also prohibit words that are overtly religious or political or company names that claim to be the "best." We can only guess what Beijing Under My Wife's Thumb Technology Co. Ltd. will use as its new, shorter name. [Sixth Tone, 8/14/2017]

The People's Liberation Army Daily, a Chinese state-run military newspaper, has declared on its WeChat account that fewer Chinese youth are passing fitness tests to join the army because they are too fat and masturbate too much, resulting in abnormally large testicular veins. The web article cited one town's statistics, where 56.9 percent of candidates were rejected for failing to meet physical requirements. China's military quickly beat down the article's assertion, saying: "The quality of our recruits is guaranteed, and the headwaters of our military will flow long and strong." [Shanghaiist, 8/24/2017]

The Entrepreneurial Spirit

Police in Osnabruck, Germany, stopped a vehicle on Aug. 19 and found an unusual trove of drugs inside: Plastic bags filled with about 5,000 ecstasy pills, with a street value of about $46,000 -- all in the shape of Donald Trump's head. The orange tablets depicted Trump's signature sweep of hair and his rosebud mouth. An unnamed 51-year-old man and his son, 17, also had a large sum of cash and were taken into custody. [NPR, 8/22/2017]

Cultural Diversity

-- The Japanese funeral industry demonstrated its forward thinking on Aug. 23 when practitioners gathered for the Life Ending Industry Expo in Tokyo. Among the displays was a humanoid robot named Pepper who can conduct a Buddhist funeral, complete with chanting and tapping a drum. Pepper is a collaboration between SoftBank and Nissei Eco Co., which wrote the chanting software. Michio Inamura, Nissei's executive adviser, said the robot could step in when priests are not available. [Reuters, 8/23/2017]

-- Also at the Life Ending Industry Expo in Tokyo, four undertakers competed on stage as funeral music played to see who could best display the ancient skills of ritually dressing the dead. The Shinto religion in Japan believes that the dead are impure just after death and that dressing the body purifies the spirit. The contestants dressed live human volunteers and were observed by three judges. Rino Terai, who won the contest, said, "I practiced every day to prepare for this competition." [Reuters, 8/24/207]

-- In Iran, the education department has banned people who are considered "ugly" from being teachers. The list of conditions and features that prevent one from being a teacher includes facial moles, acne, eczema, scars and crossed eyes. Also on the list of unsavory conditions are cancer, bladder stones or color-blindness, none of which can be observed by others. [Metro News, 8/25/2017]

FAN-antic

Jeffrey Riegel, 56, of Port Republic, New Jersey, left 'em laughing with his obituary's parting shot at the Philadelphia Eagles. In it, Riegel asked that eight Eagles players act as pallbearers, "so the Eagles can let me down one last time." Riegel owned season tickets for 30 years, during which the Eagles never won a Super Bowl. [Associated Press, 8/24/2017]

Inexplicable

An Arkansas Highway Patrol officer spotted "an unusual sight" on Aug. 23 on I-30: a black Hummer with a casket strapped to the top of it. When the officer pulled over Kevin M. Cholousky, 39, of Van Buren, Arkansas, he took off and led police on a chase along I-530, where his vehicle was eventually stopped by road spikes. Although the casket was empty, Cholousky was charged in Pulaski County with fictitious tags, reckless driving and fleeing. [Arkansas Online, 8/24/2017]

Latest Religious Messages

Sonogram photos are notoriously difficult to decipher, but one couple in Franklin County, Pennsylvania, are sure theirs shows a man watching over their unborn daughter. "When they gave it to us … Umm, to me, it's Jesus. And it looks like Jesus," said mom Alicia Zeek. She and father Zac Smith have two older children, both born with birth defects, and the image is putting them at ease about their third child. "Once ... we looked at the picture, I was like -- look, babe, we have nothing to worry about," Smith said. [FOX43, 8/22/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Jocsan Feliciano Rosado, 22, was driving a stolen car on Monday, Aug. 21, when he stopped off at a Harbor Freight store in Kissimmee, Florida, to pick up a welder's helmet for viewing the solar eclipse. As he dawdled next to the vehicle, looking up at the sun with his helmet on, members of the Orange County Sheriff's Office Auto Theft Unit interrupted his reverie and arrested him. [United Press International, 8/22/2017]

-- Adam Darrough, 29, of Little Rock, Arkansas, tried to elude officers who had arrived at his girlfriend's house to arrest him by climbing out a back window. But when that didn't work, he hid in her attic. Meanwhile, Erinique Hill, 20, held police at bay outside her home. Things went south for Darrough when he fell through the attic floor, and Little Rock police officers arrested him for a number of felonies, including hindering arrest. [Arkansas Online, 8/24/2017]

Bright Ideas

Tuffy Tuffington, 45, of San Francisco was walking his dogs, Bob and Chuck, when he came up with a way to respond non-violently to a right-wing rally at Crissy Field on Aug. 26. So he launched a Facebook page asking San Franciscans to bring dog poop to spread in the park in advance of the event. "It seemed like a little bit of civil disobedience where we didn't have to engage with them face to face," Tuffington said. Contributors to the project also planned to show up on Aug. 27 to "clean up the mess and hug each other." [The Guardian, 8/24/2017]

Court Report

Jordan Wills, 22, of Dover, England, provoked the ire of Judge Simon James of the Canterbury Crown Court in Kent when he appeared before the court. Wills called the judge a prick, and when James asked him to refrain from using obscene language, Wills said, "Who are you to tell me what to do?" James replied: "Well, I am the judge ... and I need to make it clear to you and others that such behavior is not going to be tolerated." Wills was found in contempt of court and sentenced to two weeks in jail. [Metro News, 8/24/2017]

Your Cold, Cold Heart

A police officer on maternity leave was ticketed and fined 110 pounds after she pulled her car into a bus stop in west London to help her newborn baby, who was choking in the back seat. Rebecca Moore, 31, of Aylesbury, said her son, Riley, was "going a deep shade of red in the face, his eyes were bulging and watering, and he was trying to cough but was struggling." Moore appealed the fine, but the Harrow Council rejected her appeal, as did the London Tribunals. "The law about stopping in bus stops is exactly the same everywhere in London," a council spokeswoman said. "You can't do it." [Metro News, 8/25/2017]

News That Sounds Like a Joke

One reveler at an Aug. 19 street festival in Worcester, Massachusetts, caused a dust-up when he aggressively confronted a police horse. Donald Pagan, 59, was cutting through a column of mounted police when an officer asked him to stop. Instead, Pagan raised his fist "in an attempt to punch the horse in the face," a police statement said. The horse jumped backward, away from Pagan, which officers noted could have injured Pagan, the horse or the mounted officer. Pagan was charged with assault and battery on a police officer, resisting arrest and interfering with a police horse. [Reuters, 8/22/2017]

Social Media to the Rescue!

Epping, New Hampshire, resident Leslie Kahn, 61, found herself trapped in her swimming pool on Aug. 11 after the ladder broke. She was not strong enough to pull herself out of the pool, so she used a pool pole to drag a nearby chair, with her iPad on it, closer. On a community Facebook page, Kahn posted her desperate situation under the heading "911," and soon police and neighbors showed up to rescue her. [Associated Press, 8/19/2017]

A California man with European heritage "strong and pure" placed an ad on Craigslist in advance of the solar eclipse on Aug. 21, seeking a "worthy female" to have sex with him in Oregon and "conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution." "Everything will be aligned in the local universe. Both of our cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets," the ad posited. He had only one specific caveat: "You must like cats." The ad has since been deleted. [Men's Health, 8/11/2017]

Rise of the Machines

When Louise Kennedy, an equine veterinarian from Ireland who has worked in Australia for the past two years on a skilled worker visa, decided to stay in the country, she had to take the Pearson Test of English as part of her requirements for permanent residency. Imagine her surprise when, as a native English speaker with two university degrees, she flunked the oral component of the computer-based test. "There's obviously a flaw in their computer software when a person with perfect oral fluency cannot get enough points," Kennedy said. For its part, Pearson has denied that there is any problem with its test or scoring "engine." Kennedy will pursue a spouse visa so she can remain with her Australian husband. [The Guardian, 8/8/2017]

New World Order

In Saint-Bernard-de-Lacolle, Quebec, near Plattsburgh, New York, the Canadian military is building a refugee camp to house asylum-seekers coming from the United States, where recent migrants fear the current administration's immigration crackdown. Montreal has already turned its Olympic Stadium into a shelter for refugees. The new camp would house 500 people in heated tents while they wait for refugee applications to be processed. More than 3,300 people crossed into Quebec from the U.S. between January and June 2017. [BBC, 8/9/2017]

Bright Idea

United States Border Patrol agent Robert Rocheleau and Alburgh, Vermont, resident Mark Johnson, 53, exchanged tense words on Aug. 3 when Johnson climbed down from his tractor and demanded to know why Rocheleau wasn't doing more to apprehend illegal immigrants. Johnson said people working in the U.S. illegally were damaging his livelihood. (Alburgh is just south of the border with Canada.) After the exchange, Johnson got back in his tractor and, as Rocheleau reported, "While passing by my vehicle Mr. Johnson … engaged the PTO shaft to his trailer and covered my vehicle in cow manure." Mr. Johnson pleaded not guilty in Vermont Superior Court in North Hero, saying he didn't know the car was nearby when he turned on his manure spreader. [ABC News, 8/17/2017]

Picky, Picky

The Ford Motor Co. has hired smell-testers for its research labs in China, where consumers don't like the "new-car" smell that many Americans seek out. Ford calls the testers its "golden noses," who sniff materials such as upholstery, steering wheels and carpet. Testers are subjected to a stringent selection process and must not smoke or drink alcohol. "In North America," said Andy Pan, supervisor for material engineering at a Ford facility in China, "people want a new-car smell and will even buy a 'new-car' spray to make older cars feel new and fresh. In China, it's the opposite." [The Sun, 7/21/2017]

Ow! Ow! Ow!

On June 25, Doug Bergeson of Peshtigo, Wisconsin, was framing the fireplace of a home he was building when his nail gun slipped from his grasp and shot a 3 1/2-inch nail into his heart. Bergeson said it stung, but when he saw the nail "moving with my heart," he realized he wasn't going to get any more work done. So he washed up and drove himself to the hospital 12 miles away, where he alerted a security guard that he had a nail in his heart and said, "It'd be great if you can find somebody to help me out here." Bergeson underwent surgery to remove the nail, which his doctors said barely missed a main artery in his heart. [WBAY, 8/14/2017]

Bold Move

Edward Kendrick McCarty, 38, of North Huntingdon, Pennsylvania, came away with more than good tips after deejaying a wedding reception. The morning after the wedding, bride Ashley Karasek of Turkeytown noticed that her box of wedding cards was mostly empty. McCarty had been in charge of the box during the reception, and Karasek noticed people handing him cards to put in it throughout the evening. But when she and her new husband looked in the box, only 12 cards remained. McCarty confessed to taking the cards "because of financial struggles" and said he got about $600. [TribLive.com, 8/15/2017]

Ewwww!

Swiss grocery chain Coop announced on Aug. 17 that it will start selling burger patties made from mealworms as an alternative to beef. Essento's Insect Burgers and meatball-like Insect Balls also contain rice, carrots and spices. "Insects are the perfect complement to a modern diet," said Christian Bartsch, co-founder of Essento. "They have a high culinary potential, their production saves resources and their nutritional profile is high-quality." [United Press International, 8/17/2017]

Ironies

-- In Florida, Pinellas Suncoast Transit Authority CEO Brad Miller and board chair Darden Rice helped Barbara Rygiel celebrate her 103rd birthday on Aug. 15 by presenting her with a lifetime bus pass. Rygiel rides the bus to church about four times a week and said the pass will help with the costs. "Look at how much I can save," she said. [United Press International, 8/16/2017]

-- Stephen DeWitt, 57, of Aptos, California, was "quite intoxicated," according to an arresting officer, on Aug. 16 when he mowed down a Highway 1 road sign reading: "REPORT DRUNK DRIVERS. CALL 911." His Jeep continued up an embankment and flipped, leaving DeWitt with serious injuries – and a DUI charge. [KSBW, 8/16/2017]

Weird Science

The Maharashtra Pollution Control Board is investigating in Navi Mumbai, India, after stray dogs started turning blue. An animal protection group there contends that dyes being dumped into the Kasadi River by nearby factories are causing the dogs' fur to turn a bright shade of blue. [United Press International, 8/15/2017]

Model Parents

A school resource officer at Lexington Middle School in Lee County, Florida, caught a glimpse of something alarming on Aug. 15 as he looked out a second-floor window toward the parent pickup lane. Christina Hester, 39, of Fort Myers was using her iPhone – to cut and snort cocaine. After seeing Hester use a straw to inhale the substance, the SRO asked her to come inside the school. He retrieved her purse and found .5 gram of cocaine inside, and she was charged with possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia. Twelve-year-old Spencer Yeager commented: "That's crazy. That's just so irresponsible and they shouldn't be doing that." [FOX4, 8/17/2017]

Drive-Thru Rage

Michael Delhomme couldn't abide a Delray Beach, Florida, McDonald's having run out of ice cream on Aug. 15. So while he and his friend, Jerry Henry, 19, waited in the drive-thru line, Delhomme asked Henry to get the "stick" out of the trunk. A McDonald's employee watched on surveillance video as Henry went to the trunk and removed a replica AR-15 airsoft rifle, then got back in the car. The workers couldn't tell that the weapon was not authentic and called 911, and Henry was charged with improper exhibition of a firearm. [WPLG, 8/16/2017]

Oh, Canada

In the wake of violent protests in Charlottesville, Virginia, a plaque commemorating Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederate States from 1861 to 1865, was removed on Aug. 15 from the wall of a Hudson's Bay department store – in downtown Montreal, Quebec, Canada. Apparently, Davis had lived in a house that formerly stood on that property in 1867, and the Daughters of the Confederacy placed the plaque there in 1967. Davis moved to Canada after getting out of prison following the Civil War. [Canoe, 8/16/2017]