A California man with European heritage "strong and pure" placed an ad on Craigslist in advance of the solar eclipse on Aug. 21, seeking a "worthy female" to have sex with him in Oregon and "conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution." "Everything will be aligned in the local universe. Both of our cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets," the ad posited. He had only one specific caveat: "You must like cats." The ad has since been deleted. [Men's Health, 8/11/2017]

Rise of the Machines

When Louise Kennedy, an equine veterinarian from Ireland who has worked in Australia for the past two years on a skilled worker visa, decided to stay in the country, she had to take the Pearson Test of English as part of her requirements for permanent residency. Imagine her surprise when, as a native English speaker with two university degrees, she flunked the oral component of the computer-based test. "There's obviously a flaw in their computer software when a person with perfect oral fluency cannot get enough points," Kennedy said. For its part, Pearson has denied that there is any problem with its test or scoring "engine." Kennedy will pursue a spouse visa so she can remain with her Australian husband. [The Guardian, 8/8/2017]

New World Order

In Saint-Bernard-de-Lacolle, Quebec, near Plattsburgh, New York, the Canadian military is building a refugee camp to house asylum-seekers coming from the United States, where recent migrants fear the current administration's immigration crackdown. Montreal has already turned its Olympic Stadium into a shelter for refugees. The new camp would house 500 people in heated tents while they wait for refugee applications to be processed. More than 3,300 people crossed into Quebec from the U.S. between January and June 2017. [BBC, 8/9/2017]

Bright Idea

United States Border Patrol agent Robert Rocheleau and Alburgh, Vermont, resident Mark Johnson, 53, exchanged tense words on Aug. 3 when Johnson climbed down from his tractor and demanded to know why Rocheleau wasn't doing more to apprehend illegal immigrants. Johnson said people working in the U.S. illegally were damaging his livelihood. (Alburgh is just south of the border with Canada.) After the exchange, Johnson got back in his tractor and, as Rocheleau reported, "While passing by my vehicle Mr. Johnson … engaged the PTO shaft to his trailer and covered my vehicle in cow manure." Mr. Johnson pleaded not guilty in Vermont Superior Court in North Hero, saying he didn't know the car was nearby when he turned on his manure spreader. [ABC News, 8/17/2017]

Picky, Picky

The Ford Motor Co. has hired smell-testers for its research labs in China, where consumers don't like the "new-car" smell that many Americans seek out. Ford calls the testers its "golden noses," who sniff materials such as upholstery, steering wheels and carpet. Testers are subjected to a stringent selection process and must not smoke or drink alcohol. "In North America," said Andy Pan, supervisor for material engineering at a Ford facility in China, "people want a new-car smell and will even buy a 'new-car' spray to make older cars feel new and fresh. In China, it's the opposite." [The Sun, 7/21/2017]

Ow! Ow! Ow!

On June 25, Doug Bergeson of Peshtigo, Wisconsin, was framing the fireplace of a home he was building when his nail gun slipped from his grasp and shot a 3 1/2-inch nail into his heart. Bergeson said it stung, but when he saw the nail "moving with my heart," he realized he wasn't going to get any more work done. So he washed up and drove himself to the hospital 12 miles away, where he alerted a security guard that he had a nail in his heart and said, "It'd be great if you can find somebody to help me out here." Bergeson underwent surgery to remove the nail, which his doctors said barely missed a main artery in his heart. [WBAY, 8/14/2017]

Bold Move

Edward Kendrick McCarty, 38, of North Huntingdon, Pennsylvania, came away with more than good tips after deejaying a wedding reception. The morning after the wedding, bride Ashley Karasek of Turkeytown noticed that her box of wedding cards was mostly empty. McCarty had been in charge of the box during the reception, and Karasek noticed people handing him cards to put in it throughout the evening. But when she and her new husband looked in the box, only 12 cards remained. McCarty confessed to taking the cards "because of financial struggles" and said he got about $600. [TribLive.com, 8/15/2017]

Ewwww!

Swiss grocery chain Coop announced on Aug. 17 that it will start selling burger patties made from mealworms as an alternative to beef. Essento's Insect Burgers and meatball-like Insect Balls also contain rice, carrots and spices. "Insects are the perfect complement to a modern diet," said Christian Bartsch, co-founder of Essento. "They have a high culinary potential, their production saves resources and their nutritional profile is high-quality." [United Press International, 8/17/2017]

Ironies

-- In Florida, Pinellas Suncoast Transit Authority CEO Brad Miller and board chair Darden Rice helped Barbara Rygiel celebrate her 103rd birthday on Aug. 15 by presenting her with a lifetime bus pass. Rygiel rides the bus to church about four times a week and said the pass will help with the costs. "Look at how much I can save," she said. [United Press International, 8/16/2017]

-- Stephen DeWitt, 57, of Aptos, California, was "quite intoxicated," according to an arresting officer, on Aug. 16 when he mowed down a Highway 1 road sign reading: "REPORT DRUNK DRIVERS. CALL 911." His Jeep continued up an embankment and flipped, leaving DeWitt with serious injuries – and a DUI charge. [KSBW, 8/16/2017]

Weird Science

The Maharashtra Pollution Control Board is investigating in Navi Mumbai, India, after stray dogs started turning blue. An animal protection group there contends that dyes being dumped into the Kasadi River by nearby factories are causing the dogs' fur to turn a bright shade of blue. [United Press International, 8/15/2017]

Model Parents

A school resource officer at Lexington Middle School in Lee County, Florida, caught a glimpse of something alarming on Aug. 15 as he looked out a second-floor window toward the parent pickup lane. Christina Hester, 39, of Fort Myers was using her iPhone – to cut and snort cocaine. After seeing Hester use a straw to inhale the substance, the SRO asked her to come inside the school. He retrieved her purse and found .5 gram of cocaine inside, and she was charged with possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia. Twelve-year-old Spencer Yeager commented: "That's crazy. That's just so irresponsible and they shouldn't be doing that." [FOX4, 8/17/2017]

Drive-Thru Rage

Michael Delhomme couldn't abide a Delray Beach, Florida, McDonald's having run out of ice cream on Aug. 15. So while he and his friend, Jerry Henry, 19, waited in the drive-thru line, Delhomme asked Henry to get the "stick" out of the trunk. A McDonald's employee watched on surveillance video as Henry went to the trunk and removed a replica AR-15 airsoft rifle, then got back in the car. The workers couldn't tell that the weapon was not authentic and called 911, and Henry was charged with improper exhibition of a firearm. [WPLG, 8/16/2017]

Oh, Canada

In the wake of violent protests in Charlottesville, Virginia, a plaque commemorating Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederate States from 1861 to 1865, was removed on Aug. 15 from the wall of a Hudson's Bay department store – in downtown Montreal, Quebec, Canada. Apparently, Davis had lived in a house that formerly stood on that property in 1867, and the Daughters of the Confederacy placed the plaque there in 1967. Davis moved to Canada after getting out of prison following the Civil War. [Canoe, 8/16/2017]

In early August, Volusia (Florida) County Beach Safety officers banished 73-year-old Richard G. Basaraba of Daytona Beach from all county beaches after it was discovered he was handing out business cards to young women, reading "Sugardaddy seeking his sugarbaby." The mother of a 16-year-old said he approached a group of girls with his cards and continued to speak with the minor girl even after she told him her age. He also produced a bra padding, telling the girls he was "looking for someone who would fill it." He told the 16-year-old she "would be perfect." [Palm Beach Post, 8/3/2017]

People Different From Us

In a shocking display of mischief, an unnamed 60-year-old man in Singapore is under investigation for lodging three toothpicks in a seat on a public bus in July. If he is found to be the culprit, he could spend up to two years in prison. Singapore has an extremely low crime rate, and even minor offenses result in harsh punishments. For example, vandalism is punishable by caning. Police said at press time that the investigation was continuing. [Reuters, 8/8/2017]

Wait, What?

Practicing physicians in Cairo, Egypt, opened a surgery-themed restaurant called D.Kebda in July, where they wear surgical scrubs and prepare their only offering, grilled beef-liver sandwiches, behind a glass partition. Kebda is a popular street food in Egypt, but it can cause food poisoning if not prepared carefully. "We tried to take our career values and apply them to this other field," said Mostafa Basiouny, one of the owners. "There is no contradiction between them; we are still practicing doctors." [Reuters, 8/3/2017]

Great Expectations

On Aug. 7, 16-year-old Jack Bergeson of Wichita, Kansas, filed papers in Topeka to run for governor as a Democrat in the 2018 race. Bergeson, who won't be able to vote in that election, said: "I thought, you know, let's give the people of Kansas a chance. Let's try something new." The candidate says he would "radically change" health care and would support legalizing medical marijuana, but he's conservative on gun rights. Bryan Caskey, director of elections at the Kansas secretary of state's office, said there is no law governing the qualifications for governor. Bergeson's running mate, 17-year-old Alexander Cline, will be 18 by the election and will get to vote. [ABC News, 8/13/2017]

Animal Antics

-- A skunk got up close and personal with a 13-year-old boy on July 25 when it climbed into his bed in Hamden, Connecticut, apparently after hitchhiking into the house in a trash can. The family was able to remove the skunk without the help of the Hamden Animal Control Division, but an officer said the "smell of skunk ... emanated throughout the house." [FOX News, 8/6/2017]

-- The Scardillo Cheese factory in Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada, has a squirrel to blame for a fire that resulted in more than 20,000 gallons of milk being spoiled on Aug. 8. The squirrel chewed through a main power line on the outside of the building, which sparked the fire, and power could not be restored for 12 hours. Already-made cheese was kept cool with generators, but milk being readied to make cheese warmed and went bad. [Vancouver Sun, 8/10/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Criminal justice student Jordan Dinsmore, 20, of Columbia, South Carolina, had her car's manual transmission to thank for her safe escape on July 26. Three men approached her around 1 a.m. and pointed a gun at her. After robbing her of her phone and purse, the men forced her into her car, threatening to kidnap and rape her, but when they realized none of them knew how to drive her stick-shift car, one of the criminals ran away. The other two forced Dinsmore to drive to an ATM to withdraw cash. As she drove, Dinsmore removed her seatbelt, then put the car in neutral and jumped out, screaming, "Call 911! Call 911!" to passing motorists. The Richland County Sheriff's Department arrested a 15-year-old and a 17-year-old in the kidnapping and robbery. [ABC News 4, 7/28/2017]

-- Surveillance video from a July 27 break-in at the home of John C. Burbage, 59, of Naples, Florida, showed a surprisingly familiar picture of the perpetrators: Harold Russell Lanham, 22, and his dad, James Edward Lanham, 41, both of whom Burbage employed and both of whom were wearing their work uniforms. The Lanham duo stole a safe containing more than $30,000 worth of cash and property from their boss's home. [WINK News, 7/29/2017]

The Weirdo-American Community

Residents of Hollis, Maine, were unnerved on the evening of July 25 as Corey Berry, 31, wearing a clown mask, walked around town with a machete duct-taped to the place where his arm had been amputated. When Berry, intoxicated, was taken into custody in nearby Waterboro, he explained to officers that he was copying other clown sightings as a prank on a friend. Karmen LePage of Hollis warned: "He's not funny. We live in the woods; you think we don't have guns? He's ... lucky." [Portland Press Herald, 7/26/2017]

Paranormal Activity

The South Carolina Emergency Management Division issued an alert on Aug. 9 in advance of the total solar eclipse on Aug. 21 asking South Carolinians to be "vigilant" and look out for Lizardmen during the celestial event. "SCEMD does not know if Lizardmen become more active during a solar eclipse," the note reads. "But we advise that residents of Lee and Sumter counties should remain vigilant." The folkloric reptilian beast is thought to live in swampland around Lee County and frequent sewers in nearby towns. While some people thought the warning might be a joke, SCEMD said it "will neither confirm nor deny" the existence of Lizardmen. [United Press International, 8/14/2017]

Anger Management

Customers at a Flying J truck stop in West Hanover Township, Virginia, got quite the show on Aug. 14 when Craig Troccia, 54, of Roanoke smashed the windshield of his truck and poured a cup of urine onto the interior. Wait -- did we mention Troccia was naked? He then yelled a racial epithet at a black man and flashed his genitals at everyone within sight. Next, (still naked) Troccia pointed a gun at the same man and then at another man and threatened to kill them both. After state troopers loaded Troccia into their cruiser, he "slammed his body and head on the various panels of the vehicle," they reported. He was charged with 34 criminal counts, including public drunkenness. [Penn Live, 8/15/2017]

Compelling Explanations

Jeremy A. Perkins, 27, was led astray by someone who told him "the purge" was happening on Aug. 12 in Kansas City, Missouri. ("The Purge" was a 2013 horror film that envisioned a temporary decriminalization of all criminal acts, after which society collapses in chaos.) In response (and high on methamphetamines), Perkins climbed to the top of a building and began throwing rocks at passing vehicles. Perkins told responding officers that he perceived everyone as his enemy and was trying to protect himself. He added that if he had had a gun, he would have shot people. [FOX4KC, 8/14/2017]

The Continuing Crisis

There are 70 registered voters in McIntire, Iowa, but not one of them showed up to vote in a two-question special election on Aug. 1. Mitchell County deputy auditor Barbara Baldwin told reporters that even poll workers didn't vote because none of them live in McIntire, which is about 130 miles northeast of Des Moines. [NBC News, 8/4/2017]

The Adair family of Deerfield Beach, Florida, were startled awake on July 15 by the sound of something meaty crashing onto their roof. When they investigated, they found two packages of Italian pork sausage in the side yard, and three more packages still on the roof. The sausages were in bags marked with the name of a land-clearing company in Alabama. Austin Adair called the company to inquire about the wayward sausages, but "the guy had no idea what I was talking about and probably thought I was crazy," he said, and the mystery remains unsolved. "I would love to know what really happened," said Jennie Adair, "because it's just so, so odd." [WPLG 10 News, 7/17/2017]

The Naked Truth

-- Summers are hot in Lawrence, Kansas, and Christopher Steven Carlson, 34, of Riley took advantage of the warm temperatures on July 30 to stroll down a sidewalk in the busy college town in his birthday suit -- twice. Police first arrested Carlson around 2 p.m. in downtown Lawrence for indecent exposure, after which he paid his $500 fine and was released. He caught a taxi from the Douglas County Jail back to the downtown area, where he stiffed the driver, left his clothes in the car and resumed his in-the-buff constitutional. Local business owner Meg Heriford said: "Our customers were not alarmed. It was more like, 'Hey, there's a naked guy.'" [Kansas City Star, 7/31/2017]

-- Nakedness does leave one a bit vulnerable, as Travis Tingler, 32, found out on July 16 as he stood unclothed outside his girlfriend's house in Manitowoc, Wisconsin, shouting and threatening to hurt the people inside. When police arrived, they tried and failed to get Tingler back into his pants, so they handcuffed him. As they struggled to put him in the police car, Tingler picked up a lighter off the ground, and a probe from an officer's stun gun struck the lighter, igniting Tingler's chest and beard hairs. An officer was able to pat the fire out. [NY Daily News, 7/18/2017]

-- Nudity, like everything else, is more fun when you can share it with friends. Or so it appeared to drivers along route A66 in Workington, Cumbria, in England, who spied four "shame-faced" men walking along the road wearing nothing but sneakers on July 30. The four "protected their modesty with cupped hands" and appeared to be walking quickly, according to Kathryn Lynn, 50, who drove by with her husband and daughter and snapped a photo of the odd group. "It was a bit of a shock to see," she said. [Daily Mail, 8/4/2017]

The Continuing Crisis

Out of eight candidates for Detroit mayor in the Aug. 8 primary, half were convicted felons, the Detroit News reported. Three women and one man have convictions including gun crimes and assault with intent to commit murder. "Black marks on your record show you have lived a little and have overcome some challenges," opined political consultant Greg Bowens. Michigan law allows convicted felons to vote and run for office unless they are currently incarcerated, or if their offenses are fraud-related or constitute a breach of public trust. (Update: None of the felons advanced to the general election.) [Detroit News, 8/2/2017]

Ironies

In Green Bay, Wisconsin, the Spartans of Vincent T. Lombardi Middle School won't be playing football this year because of a lack of coaches. Jim Van Abel, principal of the school named after the revered coach of the Green Bay Packers, told parents in a letter that the district had been advertising for coaching positions since April, to no avail. Student Alex Coniff said last year about 55 students played on the school's two football teams. (Interestingly, the district was also unable to provide a representative to be interviewed for the story.) [FOX 11 News, 8/1/2017]

The Perfect Name

Weedville, Pennsylvania, more than lived up to its name on July 31 when the North Central Municipal Drug Task Force busted Tiffany R. Potts, 23, and James Michael Dunshie, 30, at their home. The pair were caught with heroin, methamphetamines, hallucinogenic mushrooms, firearms and drug paraphernalia -- but, apparently, no weed. [The Courier Express, 8/4/2017]

The Job of the Researcher

Sexing certain species of turtles used to be an invasive process, sometimes requiring surgery on the little guy or gal. But Donald McKnight, a Ph.D. student at James Cook University in Queensland, Australia, has perfected a method that speeds up the process -- and presumably pleases the shelled reptile. McKnight uses a vibrator to stimulate the underside of the turtle, which causes a male to "reveal himself," sometimes in as little as 4 seconds. McKnight did his research in Oklahoma on threatened western chicken turtles. [ABC Sunshine Coast, 8/3/2017]

Readers' Choice

Dilworth, Minnesota, police officer Brad Browning suffered a bout of bad luck on Aug. 2 after he pulled over a car with a burned-out headlight. The driver, Stephen Hietala, 27, of Perham, had a warrant out for his arrest. When officers tried to handcuff Hietala, he resisted, prompting one officer to fire his Taser, which missed Heitala and hit Officer Browning instead. Hietala took off running, with Browning chasing on foot. Soon a sheriff's deputy arrived with a police dog, but as Browning cornered Hietala in an alley, the dog bit Browning instead of the criminal. Officers finally arrested Hietala for fleeing a police officer and drug possession. [Minneapolis Star-Tribune, 8/5/2017]

Bright Idea

In Munich, Germany, Benjamin David has found a unique way to drown his commuting sorrows. He swims to work. "When I was on my bike, I would yell at cars," David said. "When I was on foot, I would yell at cyclists. ... (J)ust a few metres to the side of (the road) is the (Isar) river, and if you just swim down that, it's completely relaxed and refreshing." David stores his work clothes, laptop and mobile phone in a waterproof bag, and the river's current sometimes allows him to float along his 1.2-mile route and enjoy the scenery -- including bystanders on bridges. [CBC Radio, 8/4/2017]

Awesome!

Two Subway sandwich shop workers in Coventry, Rhode Island, frustrated a potential robber on July 25 by acting like teenagers -- ignoring his demands for money until he finally gave up and left the store. Police told a local news station that the robber, caught on security cameras, looked "exasperated" and "mumbled something under his breath as he walked out of the business." [NBC News, 7/30/2017]

Oops!

A Hartford City, Indiana, man was outed to police by a tattoo on the back of his neck as he tried to use an alias on July 28. The incident started when James Jason Buck, 33, pounded on the door of a Muncie home, demanding a drink, and homeowners called the police. At first, the man said he was Robert Dill, 37, of Florida. But when an officer noticed his tattoo, "Buck," and called him Mr. Buck, he confessed his real name and date of birth. Mr. Buck also had a plastic bag with crystal methamphetamine, and, officers discovered, a rather long rap sheet. [The Star Press, 7/29/2017]

It's Important to Have Goals

When federal agents turned up in May 2016 with a search warrant at the Miami home of 19-year-old Phyllistone Termine, they interrupted the teenager as he crafted a summer fraud to-do list. Items on the list included buying credit card numbers and security codes on the "dark web." Between March 2015 and his arrest, Termine had used stolen Social Security numbers from more than 1,000 victims to collect unemployment benefits in excess of $1 million. Next to his bed were blank white credit cards with magnetic strips and equipment to encode those strips. In July, Termine was sentenced to 4 1/2 years in federal prison, where his organizational skills may be put to some more legal purpose. [Miami Herald, 7/30/2017]