The job of determining stress levels in whales is itself apparently stressful. The most reliable information about tension lies in hormones most accurately measured by researchers' boarding a boat, sidling up to a whale and waiting until it blasts snot out of its blowhole. By catching enough of it (or wiping it off of their raincoats), scientists can run the gunk through chemical tests. However, a team of engineering researchers at Olin College in Needham, Massachusetts, told The Boston Globe in September that they were on the verge of creating a radio- controlled, mucus-trapping drone that would bring greater civility to the researchers' job (and reduce the add-on stress the whales must feel at being stalked by motorboats). [Boston Globe, 9-10-2014]

(1) The newly inaugurated "Al-Qaeda in the Indian Subcontinent" (a project of Osama bin Laden's successor, Ayman al-Zawahiri) failed spectacularly in its maiden mission in September when it attempted to commandeer an American "aircraft carrier" in port in Karachi, Pakistan. Actually, the ship was a misidentified Pakistani naval vessel that did not even vaguely resemble an aircraft carrier, and Pakistani forces killed or captured all 10 jihadists. (2) A September raid on an ISIS safe house in Syria turned up, among other items (according to Foreign Policy magazine), a Dell laptop owned by Tunisian jihadist "Muhammed S.," containing (not unexpectedly) recipes for bubonic plague and ricin, and (less likely) a recipe for banana mousse and a variety of songs by Celine Dion. [Daily Telegraph (London), 9-12-2014] [Foreign Policy, 9-9-2014]

-- In September, the Seattle-based Mars Hill megachurch announced it would close several branches as founding preacher Mark Driscoll takes personal leave to contemplate over-the-top messages he's made in the past about women. Among the most striking statements (as gathered by the "Wenatchee the Hatchet" blog in Wenatchee, Washington) were those expressing certainty that women exist solely to support men. A man's penis "is not your (personal) penis," he told men. "Ultimately, God created you, and it is his penis." "Knowing that his penis would need a home ... God created a woman (who) makes a very nice home." Driscoll added, helpfully, "But, though you may believe your hand is shaped like a home, it is not." [Salon.com, 9-8-2014]

-- Catholic priest Gerald Robinson passed away in July, and many around the Diocese of Toledo, Ohio, were shocked to learn that his body was buried with full priestly rights. Wrote the diocese, Father Robinson "was a baptized member of the body of Christ, and he was, and remains, an ordained priest of the Roman Catholic Church." In 2006, Robinson was convicted of murdering Sister Margaret Ann Pahl years earlier. [WNWO-TV (Toledo), 7-11-2014]

-- Recurring Theme: Another rogue Muslim cleric enraged mainstream Islamic scholars recently. Egyptian Salafist preacher Osama al-Qusi proclaimed via fatwa in August that men could properly spy on women bathing, but only if they have "pure intentions." For example, he wrote, if a man intended to marry the woman, he might learn some things otherwise unrevealed before the ceremony. Egypt's minister for religious affairs, Mohamed Mokhtar, has already banned "tens of thousands" of "unlicensed" preachers from working in Egypt's mosques because of their embarrassing fatwas. [The Guardian (London), 8-22-2014]

-- Televangelist Jim Bakker no longer runs the Praise The Lord ministry, but still operates a church near Branson, Missouri, with a website selling a staggering array of consumer goods denominated as "love gifts" for worshippers who donate at certain levels via the website's shopping cart. Featured are clothing, jewelry (some "Tiffany-like"), bulk foods, "Superfood" legacy seeds, fuel-efficient generators (and a "foldable solar panel"), vitamins and supplements, "Jim's Favorite" foods (like ketchup), "survival" equipment and supplies, water filtration products, and a strong commitment to the supposed benefits of "Silver Solution" gels and liquids ($25 for a 4-ounce tube), even though the FDA has long refused to call colloidal silver "safe and effective". Of course, books, CDs and DVDs (and a digital download) of Bakker's inspirational and prophetic messages are also available. [Daily Mail (London), 9-15-2014] [JimBakkerShow.com]

(1) Ten parking spaces (of 150 to 200 square feet each) one flight below the street at the apartment building at 42 Crosby St. in New York City have been offered for sale by the developer for $1 million each -- nearly five times the median U.S. price for an entire home. (2) New York City plastic surgeon Dr. Matthew Schulman told ABC News in September of an uptick in women's calf liposuction procedures -- because of ladies' frustration at not being able to squeeze into the latest must-have boots. (The surgery is tricky because of the lack of calf fat, and recovery time of up to 10 months means surgery now will not help the fashion plates until next fall.) [New York Times, 9-10-2014] [ABC News, 9-17-2014]

Order in the Court: Signs went up in August in the York, Pennsylvania, courtroom of District Judge Ronald Haskell Jr. addressing two unconventional problems. First, "Pajamas are not (underlining 'not') appropriate attire for District Court." Second, "Money from undergarments will not be accepted in this office." Another judge, Scott Laird, told the York Daily Record that he'd probably take the skivvy-stored money anyway. "The bottom line is, if someone's there to pay a fine, I don't see how you can turn that away." [York Daily Record, 8-13-2014]

-- Habitual petty offender Todd Bontrager, 47, charged with trespassing for probing various locked doors at a church in Broward County, Florida, in August, admitted skirting the law a few times, but said it was only "to study." "Incarceration improves your concentration abilities," he told skeptical Judge John "Jay" Hurley, who promptly ordered him jailed to, he said, help him "further concentrate." [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 8-8-2014]

-- American Matthew Miller, 24, told the Associated Press that he had a "wild ambition" when he entered North Korea in April that he wanted to experience prison life there in order to secretly investigate the country's human rights stance. In September, he was convicted of espionage in a 90-minute trial and will be conducting his investigation amidst hard labor over a six-year period, beginning immediately. [Associated Press, 9-14-2014]

The Miracle of Meth: Three terrified people screaming out of an upper-story window at a house outside Dothan, Alabama, on Aug. 24 drew police in a hurry. They were trapped, they yelled -- unable to escape because intruders were still inside, shooting at them. One "victim" said she had been stabbed -- and the blade broken off inside her. With their own shotgun, the three had blown out several windows and walls defending themselves. They had even ripped out an upstairs toilet and sink and dropped them on an intruder outside. Police calmed the situation and later told reporters that there never were intruders -- that the "hostages" had imagined the whole thing, except for the estimated $10,000 damage and the woman's superficial, "defensive" stab wounds. (The home's methamphetamine lab apparently remained intact.) [Dothan Eagle, 8-25-2014]

(1) Mr. Roma Sims, 35, of Westerville, Ohio, was sentenced to just over eight years in prison in August for stealing the identities of more than 500 people between 2009 and 2013 -- before he was done in by having misspelled the names of several cities in various documents while working the scheme. (For example, the largest city in Kentucky is not "Louieville.") (2) In Sebastopol, California, Dylan Stables, 20, already on probation, was arrested again mid-morning on July 22 when, with stolen credit cards in his possession, he decided to drive his car, even with transmission problems. Police noticed him as he slowly drove through town in reverse gear. [Columbus Dispatch, 8-22-2014] [Santa Rosa Press-Democrat, 7-23-2014]

(1) Charged in August with growing marijuana at their home in Corvallis, Montana: Rodney Stoner, 57, and his son, Adam Stoner, 24. Arrested for performing "sexually lewd acts" in front of drivers at a truck stop in Kirkwood, New York, in September: 56-year-old Calvin Wank. [The Missoulian, 8-2-2014] [Press & Sun-Bulletin (Binghamton), 9-22-2014]

Thanks This Week to Willis Craig and Alison Powell, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

Dutch inventors Bart Jansen and Arjen Beltman struck again recently when Pepeijn Bruins, 13, called on them to help him grieve over his pet rat, Ratjetoe, who had to be put down because of cancer. Having heard of the inventors' work, Pepeijn asked if they could please have Ratjetoe stuffed and turned into a radio-controlled drone. Jansen and Beltman, who had previously created an "ostrichcopter" and are now working on a "turbo shark," created Pepeijn's rat-copter, but remain best noted for their epic taxidermied cat, "Orvillecopter," created in 2012 (which readers can view at nydn.us/1r0WmmA). [BBC News, 9-10-2014; Daily Mail (London), 9-11-2014]

-- How to Confuse an Arizonan: In August, a state appeals court overruled a lower court and decided that Thomas and Nancy Beatie could divorce, after all. The first judge had determined that their out-of-state marriage was not valid in Arizona because they were both women, but Thomas has had extensive surgery and hormone therapy and become a man -- although he is also the spouse who bore the couple's three children, since he made it a point to retain his reproductive organs. [Associated Press via KSAZ-TV (Phoenix), 8-14-2014]

-- In August, for the 12th straight year, a group of Japanese adult-film actresses has volunteered their breasts to raise money for an AIDS-prevention charity event shown on an X-rated cable TV channel from Tokyo. The 12-hour-long "squeeze-a-thon" ("Boob Aid") sold individual fondles to men for donations of at least (the equivalent of) $9, with donors required first to spray on disinfectant. In all, 4,100 pairs of hands roamed the nine actresses. [Agence France-Presse, 8-31-2014]

-- Regulatory filings revealed in August that AOL still has 2.3 million dial-up subscribers (down from 21 million 15 years ago) paying, on average, about $20 monthly. Industry analysts, far from rolling on the floor laughing at the company's continued success with 20th-century technology, estimate that AOL's dial-up business constitutes a hefty portion of its quarterly "operating profit" of about $122 million. [Quartz, 8-6-2014]

-- Commentators have had fun with the new system of medical diagnostic codes (denominated in from four to 10 digits each) scheduled to take effect in October 2015, and the "Healthcare Dive" blog had its laughs in a July post. The codes for "problems in relationship with in-laws" and "bizarre personal appearance" are quixotic enough, but the most "absurd" codes are "subsequent encounters" (that is, at least the second time the same thing happened to a patient) for events like walking into a lamppost, or getting sucked into a jet engine, or receiving burns from on-fire water skis, or having contact with a cow beyond being bitten or kicked (since those contacts have separate codes). Also notable was S10.87XA, "Other superficial bite of other specified part of neck, initial encounter," which seems to describe a "hickey." [HealthcareDive.com, 7-15-2014]

-- More Drivers Who Ran Over Themselves: In June, Robert Pullar, 30, Minot, North Dakota, subsequently charged with DUI, fell out of his car and was run over by it. In July, Joseph Karl, 48, jumped out of his truck to confront another driver in a road rage incident in Gainesville, Florida, but as he pounded on that driver's window, his own truck (negligently left in gear) crept up and ran him over. Pullar and Karl were not seriously injured, but in July, a 54-year-old St. Petersburg, Florida, man was hurt badly when, attempting to climb onto the street sweeper that he operates for the city, he fell off, and the machine ran over his upper body. [KXMC-TV (Minot), 6-23-2014] [Gainesville Sun, 7-23-2014] [Bay News 9 (St. Petersburg), 7-22-2014]

-- For patients who are musicians, deep brain stimulation (open-brain) surgery can provide entertainment for operating-room doctors as they correct neurological conditions such as hand tremors. In September, the concert violinist Naomi Elishuv, who has performed with the Lithuanian National Symphony Orchestra, played for surgeons at the Tel Aviv Sourasky Medical Center so they could locate the exact spot in the brain for inserting the pacemaker to control the hand-trembling that had wrecked her career. (In fact, last week's winner of the annual Steve Martin Prize for Excellence in Banjo and Bluegrass, Eddie Adcock, 76, had finger-picked some tunes in the operating room in 2007 for his own deep brain surgery.) [Huffington Post, 9-11-2014] [New York Times, 9-16-2014]

-- Buddhists continue to believe in the wholesale "mercy release" of living creatures, with smaller and less consequential animals making even stronger statements of reverence, according to a July New York Times dispatch from Yushu, China, describing the freeing of river shrimp the size of a fingernail clipping. These specks of life, an advocate told the Times, "could very well be the reincarnated souls of relatives" who perished in the 2010 earthquake that demolished the local area. "We" workers, said another, "have the same feelings as the fish," alluding to his own occupation of "digging in the mud." [New York Times, 7-25-2014]

-- Surgeons at the University of Arizona Medical Center removed a 47-pound tumor from a woman's stomach in April -- not even close to being the largest ever mentioned in News of the Weird, but likely the only such large tumor appearing in a post-operative photograph being cradled in the arms of a member of the surgical team. (The patient, without insurance, had been putting off the surgery for months, which allowed the tumor to grow and to complicate the surgery -- but credits "Obamacare" with finally allowing her to afford the procedure.) [Tucson News Now, 6-23-2014]

-- Previous reports of obsessively vengeful ex-lovers seem concentrated in Japan, where some heartbroken girlfriends have relentlessly harassed their exes with thousands of phone calls for months after the breakup. However, in a September report from Rhone, France, a 33-year-old man was sentenced to prison for 10 months for harassing his ex-girlfriend with a total of 21,807 phone calls and texts over the 10 months following the split (an average of 73 a day). The man insisted that he only wanted the woman to thank him for the carpentry work he had done on her apartment. [Agence France-Presse via The Guardian (London), 9-5-2014]

-- Size Matters (Sometimes): It's not the first time that a suspect has had the idea, but usually, judges are skeptical. This time, a court in Leer, Germany, ordered a medical examination of the manhood of Herbert O., 54, to help decide a criminal charge of exhibitionism. The man's wife testified that Herbert's organ is "too short to hang out of (his) trousers," as claimed by the victim of the flashing. The judge asked a local health official to make an exact measurement. [The Local (Berlin), 8-22-2014]

Clues at the Scene: (1) Alfred J. Shropshire III was charged in June with burglarizing a home in Lakewood, Washington, identified by his having accidentally dropped at the scene a plaque from a local Mazda dealer naming Alfred J. Shropshire III Salesperson of the Month. (2) John Martinez, 68, was arrested for allegedly robbing a Wells Fargo bank in Denver in July, having been identified by bank personnel who remembered that the robber wore a black T-shirt with "John" on it and in part because video revealed that a silver Honda registered to "John Martinez," was waiting outside for his getaway. [KOMO-TV (Seattle), 6-13-2014] [KMGH-TV (Denver), 7-23-2014]

Most victims seemed baffled or only modestly distressed by the obsession of Sherwin Shayegan, 27 (with one describing him as "completely harmless"). Shayegan's perversion is that, from time to time (allegedly dating to at least 2006), he befriends high-school male athletes, questions them in the locker room as a reporter would, and then, after distracting them with the inquiries, jumps on the athletes' backs and demands piggyback rides. No other overtures are made, and no injuries have been reported, and the principal complaint about Shayegan is his obnoxiousness. His latest arrest took place in May (2010) in Tualatin, Oregon, near earlier incidents in Washington state. [Tigard Times (Tigard, Ore.), 5-6-10]

Thanks This Week to the News of the Weird Senior Advisors (Jenny T. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney) and Board of Editorial Advisors (Tom Barker, Paul Blumstein, Harry Farkas, Sam Gaines, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Bob McCabe, Steve Miller, Christopher Nalty, Mark Neunder, Sandy Pearlman, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis Reed, Peter Smagorinsky, Rob Snyder, Stephen Taylor, Bruce Townley, and Jerry Whittle).

The WE cable network disclosed in August that it had ordered a nine-episode adaptation of a British series, "Sex Box," in which a couple enters a large opaque chamber on stage and has intercourse. The pair, pre- and post-coitally, are clothed and seated before a panel of probably D-List celebrities, and will respond to questions and comment on their feelings and techniques (likely enduring praise and criticisms about their "work"). The series will debut sometime in 2015. (However, as the Daily Beast website pointed out, it might also be true that still, in 2015, even a split-second's glimpse of a female nipple on any broadcast TV show would create a national scandal.) [The Daily Beast, 8-21-2014]

-- The "trendy" 25hours Hotel Bikini Berlin, located adjacent to the Berlin Zoo and offering some of the best views of the city from its floor-to-ceiling windows, has famously positioned the rest rooms of its Monkey Bar in front of the windows, also, and those heeding nature's call are clearly visible to gawkers. Guests are merely warned, by the Trip Advisor website and by the hotel itself (with the admonition, "Please be careful. Not only the monkeys are watching"). [Daily Mail (London), 7-30-2014]

-- London designer Gigi Barker recently unveiled the Skin chair (priced at the equivalent of about $2,500), made of leather but with a "pheromone-impregnated silicone base" that makes it feel (and smell, perhaps) like one is "lounging in the fleshy, comforting folds of a man's belly." The Skin was scheduled for exhibition this month at the London Design Festival. [Quartz, 7-25-2014]

-- China's insurance companies offer some of the world's quirkiest policies, according to a September Reuters dispatch from Hong Kong. People's Insurance Group, for example, will pay out in case a customer's children display disappointingly "mischievous and destructive" habits. The Ancheng company offers a policy protecting a customer in case his mouth is burned eating "hotpot." Ping An Insurance Group (actually, the world's second-largest by market value) has recently offered an "accidental pregnancy before honeymoon" policy, and is one of three companies that competed to sell couples compensation in case a marriage is disrupted by a "concubine." [Reuters via Business Insider, 9-1-2014]

-- New Orleans Juvenile Court Judge Yolanda King, already indicted for falsifying her home address in her 2013 campaign for office, was spotted by a Times-Picayune reporter on Aug. 20 filing three registration papers for the Nov. 4 election in which she swore (under oath) to three different addresses -- two of which appeared to be clearly erroneous. Her lawyer told the newspaper that the judge, who was suspended by the Louisiana Supreme Court following her indictment, had merely "misinterpreted" the instructions. [Times-Picayune, 8-21-2014]

-- As part of a nationwide distribution of surplus military equipment, 10 Texas school districts eagerly acquired a total of 64 M-16 rifles, 18 M-14s, 25 automatic pistols and magazines capable of holding 4,500 rounds of ammunition. District officials referred generally to the need to protect against school attacks such as the notorious incidents in Colorado and Connecticut, but a local Houston area police chief, seeking to reassure a nervous public, promised that the equipment would be used only by tactically trained officers and that, otherwise, would be locked in the department's armory. A critic of the program told KHOU-TV that statistically, the typical active-shooter school situation lasts 12 minutes, hardly enough time to get to the armory and load up. [KHOU-TV, 9-5-2014]

-- In July, a panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 6th Circuit in Detroit, ruling on a judicial corruption complaint, managed to describe the actions of a Michigan state judge, "Hon." Wade McCree, as "often reprehensible" -- in that he had been carrying on a romantic affair with a woman involved in a child custody case he was judging. (The woman, of course, received favorable rulings.) However, the Court of Appeals judges told the unlucky father that McCree cannot be sued because judges are generally immune from lawsuit. [Detroit Free Press, 7-26-2014]

-- Nick Olivas, 24, is a rare American. At age 14 (an age that, in Arizona, makes him legally incapable of consenting to sex), he fathered a daughter with a 20-year-old woman -- paternity that he learned of only two years ago. The mother filed against Olivas for child support that now totals $15,000. Olivas is rare in that most states exempt rape victims from child-support orders -- except that, since Olivas never made a police report of the incident, Arizona Child Support Services will not exempt him, and instead has obtained an order garnisheeing his wages at $380 a month. [Arizona Republic, 9-2-2014]

-- According to legal scholars consulted by the Associated Press, it is conceivable that Nicole Diggs, of Yonkers, N.Y., even if convicted of negligent homicide in the upcoming trial in the death of her severely disabled 8-year-old daughter, could nevertheless inherit the remains of the child's $2 million trust fund originally established for her care. Evidence is strong that Diggs had neglected the child's hygiene and diet for stretches at a time and overtrusted her less-caring new husband with the girl's well-being, but New York law uniquely still allows, in principle, a convicted mother to inherit from the child as long as she did not "intentionally" harm her. [Associated Press via MSN.com, 9-1-2014]

(1) Clearwater, Florida, police pulled over a "suspicious" car on July 24 and ultimately arrested the driver and his passenger. The back seat was loaded with potted plants -- in fact, potted pot plants (i.e., marijuana), so crowded that the leaves and branches of some plants were sticking out of the car's windows. (2) Daniel Warn, 28, was arrested in July in Costa Mesa, California, and charged with the burglary of an El Pollo Loco restaurant -- a caper that was captured on surveillance video. Police were notified later that day when Warn -- wearing the same distinctive hat and bright green shirt worn by the burglar -- came to the restaurant to order a meal. [WTSP-TV (St. Petersburg), 8-6-2014] [KCBS-TV (Los Angeles), 7-18-2014]

-- Jonathan Thomas, 50, was charged with DUI and disorderly conduct in Washington Township, Indiana, in August after driving through two backyards one Friday evening and getting his vehicle stuck in the second. Police reported that Thomas "show(ed) his teeth to officers" and later "growled" at hospital security staff. Thomas' day job is director of the Porter County Animal Shelter. [Times of Northwest Indiana (Valparaiso), 8-4-2014]

-- Just Like the Script: (1) In August, a Bradenton, Florida, deputy sheriff was forced to duplicate a classic scene from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" when he was advanced upon by a menacing-looking, samurai-sword-swinging, 31-year-old man. The deputy, perhaps as nonplussed as Indiana Jones was, shot him dead. (2) Rule No. 9: The 15-year-old granddaughter of Cliven Bundy (the Nevada rancher whose dispute with the federal government caused a notorious standoff in March) told Las Vegas' KSNV-TV that her dad (Bundy's son) was withdrawing her from her high school because officials would not allow her to carry a knife on campus. She said her dad has taught his kids (just like "NCIS's" Leroy Jethro Gibbs) to "always" carry a knife. [Bay News 9 (St. Petersburg), 8-28-2014] [KSNV-TV, 8-28-2014]

(1) Annual Bunyola "fiestas" on the Spanish island of Mallorca were canceled in September out of respect for an 18-year-old man who fatally hit his head after receiving an electric shock on a lamp post he was leaning against as he urinated at a street corner. (2) A 23-year-old medical student suffered a fatal heart attack in September while perusing a sex magazine as he attempted his fourth sperm donation in a week at a clinic at China's Wuhan University. (3) A 15-year-old boy driving a "skid loader" on a farm near Lancaster, Pennsylvania, suffocated in August when the machine accidentally flipped him directly into a manure pit (the sixth such death locally since 1989, according to the Lancaster Intelligencer-Journal). [The Local (Madrid), 9-1-2014] [Daily Mail (London), 9-12-2014] [Associated Press, 8-9-2014]

Thanks This Week to Russell Bell, Craig Cryer, and Terry Young, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.