A veteran University of Colorado administrator is on forced leave after her sideline made news in December. Resa Cooper-Morning, 54, "cultural diversity coordinator" in the ethnic studies department at CU Denver, also ran a phone-sex business for which she took calls ($1.49 a minute, "phone sex that will rock every part of your body," according to her website) during hours she worked for the university. Said her daughter-in-law: "I've been in her office, and she's said, 'Oh, let me be right back, I have a phone call.' She takes them very discreetly, shuts her door." A KCNC-TV investigation found that the phone-sex hours listed on the website had recently been cut back, from "7:30 a.m. until late at night" to "weekdays after 3 p.m." [KCNC-TV, 12-12-2013]

-- Florida's second-most populous county, Broward, announced in December it was removing the agricultural tax break for 127 properties because it appeared their "farming" work was a sham. Broward's property appraiser estimated the county had lost "hundreds of millions of dollars" over the years granting the bogus reductions -- as landowners were blatantly housing just a few cows (in some cases, merely renting them) to graze and calling that "agricultural." The appraiser's office, after auditing only a few of the exemptions, found, for example, that land occupied by a government-contract prison was "agricultural" (with a rent-a-cow arrangement). [WPLG-TV (Miami), 12-17-2013]

-- The Ontario College of Trades ministry, finally implementing a long-ago reclassification of about 300,000 professionals, announced in November that barbers would immediately face fines if they had not acquired new licenses demonstrating proficiency with perms and highlighting and other aspects of women's hairstyling. Even barbers who had cut men's hair for decades and with no desire to accept female customers would probably need a costly study program for the upgrade, which one barber estimated at 2,000 hours and $5,000 or more. Said one exasperated old-timer, "We're barbers, not neurosurgeons." [CBC News, 11-2-2013]

-- Suspicion Confirmed: A September report from the National Bureau of Economic Research revealed that almost 9 percent of all federal government spending occurred during the last week of the government's fiscal year, as agencies scrambled to buy things they previously had not needed but suddenly did -- because the money would otherwise disappear. Further, the report found that contracts made during that perhaps-frenzied final week were from double to more than five times as likely to be poorly executed as contracts made earlier in the fiscal year. [Foreign Policy (December 2013) via Chicago Tribune, 12-18-2013; Social Science Research Network, 9-22-2013]

-- The Army Corps of Engineers said in December that it "continuously strives to implement lessons learned from its work in the extremely challenging Afghan environment" -- apparently its primary response to an inspector general's report that it wasted $5.4 million on trash incinerators for a forward operating base that were late, in disrepair, dysfunctional even if working properly, health hazards for troops, and ultimately abandoned on site, unused. The project was termed "a complete waste," but the corps pointed out that money was actually saved by not repairing expensive equipment that would not have worked anyway. [Fox News, 12-16-2013]

-- South Africa, still transitioning to freedom after apartheid, has been slow to embrace the "performance art" that is a staple of American and European popular culture, but artist Anthea Moys is creating her own space, according to a December Wall Street Journal dispatch from Johannesburg. Recently she played an exhibition soccer game -- alone against an 11-player lineup. Her "team" quickly fell behind, but sympathetic spectators wandered onto the pitch to help her, and she managed to lose by only 12-0. Before that, she had entered a 60-mile bicycle race in Johannesburg and, dressed properly in helmet and Spandex, she mounted a stationary bike at the starting line and began pedaling furiously as the other cyclists took off. "I'm not very competitive," she said. "I'm interested in the joy of games and how people view them." [Wall Street Journal, 12-27-2013]

-- Australian performance artist Casey Jenkins admits that her signature engagement is "confining" and "slightly uncomfortable," but that "Casting Off My Womb" is nonetheless an important work. Jenkins spends 28-day cycles knitting cloth from wool that has been inserted into her vagina -- symbolizing the creation of "life" emerging from the natural female cycle. The output, she said, records a female life in all its natural states. (Jenkins' work is perhaps borrowed from classic performance work by the artists Carolee Schneeman, in 1975's "Interior Scroll," and Yoko Ono, in 1965's "Cut Piece.") [The Independent (London), 12-17-2013]

-- From the Homer (Alaska) Tribune: On Nov. 11, police were called at 2 a.m. by Robert Tech, 47 (better known as "Turkey Joe"), who said he was assaulted by Charles Young, 61 ("known in town" as "Yukon Charlie"). Joe was talking too much, Charlie told officers, and he had to keep hitting Joe because he would not shut up. Joe, whom officers found inside the bus he has been living in, said he declined to fight back because "I've been a leader of men all my life." Charlie was arrested. [Homer Tribune, 11-19-2013]

-- Low-Tech Thief: Kevin Cook, 25, told police that he was mugged in New York City's Central Park on Dec. 28, but that the thief had grabbed only his cellphone. Since it was a flip phone, the thief took a bemused look at it, asked, "What the (expletive) is this," threw it back to Cook and walked away empty-handed. Cook, perhaps a bit defensive, pointed out that it was a new-style flip phone. [New York Post, 11-29-2013]

-- Disability or Disguise? Police in Denver said the same man (still on the loose), in his 50s and about 5-foot-8, robbed three banks in the area in December and faces up to 60 years in prison if caught. Either he employs a finely detailed disguise, or he is robbing banks under a significant disability, for in each job he wears a "medical mask" and lugs around a portable oxygen supply. [KMGH-TV (Denver), 12-31-2013]

Medics and excessively confident law enforcement officers are facing federal lawsuits after, first, David Eckert, in New Mexico, and then a 54-year-old woman in El Paso, Texas, were repeatedly anally examined in ultimately fruitless searches for ingested drugs. Search of Eckert began when a traffic officer thought he was "clenching" his buttocks during a stop; search of the woman began at the Mexico border when she was selected randomly for "additional screening" and a police dog gestured toward her. Both victims endured hours of detention and bodily invasions, as officers and medics, continually finding nothing, used different tests to justify their initial suspicion. (Eckert received three enemas and a colonoscopy.) Not a single trace of drugs was found on either victim, and both have sued for the trauma and because both medical centers, in Silver City, N.M., and El Paso, billed the victims personally for the forced procedures. [KOB-TV (Albuquerque), 11-5-2013] [Reason, 12-19-2013]

-- Two men broke into a home in the Lincoln Heights section of Los Angeles in December, unaware that the resident had moments earlier called 911 after glimpsing them on his surveillance camera. When police arrived outside, the perps asked the resident to tie all three of them up so that all would appear to be "victims" of the invaders, who had supposedly fled. The resident complied, but when police entered the home, the resident of course immediately squealed on the tied-up perps, ensuring their arrest. Two associates, who were outside standing lookout, were also arrested. Said one officer, "That's what you call felony stupid." [Los Angeles Times, 12-28-2013]

-- From the Nov. 11 weekly report of the Dakota County (Minn.) Sheriff came word from the Hastings Police Department that a sergeant arriving to investigate a fight in a store's parking lot in fact encountered only a single car with several young men inside. The sergeant said he strolled up to the car to ask about a fight, but was pre-empted when one of the men said, "I know why you're here," and pulled three pairs of pants, shoplifted from the store, from inside his shirt. He was arrested. [Dakota County Sheriff Report, 11-11-2013]

Thanks This Week to Mark Dubbin, Robert Jay, Craig Cryer, and Kent Harris, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

At least two U.S. medical schools so far are early adopters of Dr. Benjamin Lok's and Dr. Carla Pugh's "Robot Butt" for teaching doctors-in-training to properly (and compassionately) administer prostate exams. The robot, bent over a desk to simulate the patient profile, has sensors to alert the students if they dig too deeply or quickly for comfort. Other sensors enable a check on eye contact to evaluate "bedside manner." (News of the Weird reported a similar innovation in 2012 by Nobuhiro Takahashi, whose model's "sphincter" has the ability to "clench up" if the probing becomes too distressing.) [Huffington Post, 11-13-2013]

-- Neuroscientist James Fallon, fascinated by the brains of serial killers, experienced a seminal career moment in 2005 when he realized that his own brain scan was a dead-on match for the typical psychopath's. Subsequent self-examination revealed him to be, he said, a "pro-social psychopath," displaying traits similar to a killer's (aggressiveness, low empathy) and different ("killing" opponents only in games and debate, with little compassion for their haplessness). "I'm kind of an asshole," he admitted, according to a November report by The Smithsonian, "and I do jerky things that piss people off." Fallon failed to break bad, he guesses, because he "was loved (growing up), and that protected me." He figures he has not kicked his pathology but rather strives "to show to everyone and myself that I can pull (this balancing act) off." [Smithsonianmag.com, 11-22-2013]

-- Sucker's Game: (1) Homeless man James Brady had his New Jersey state benefits cut off in October for "hiding" income. He had found $850 on a sidewalk in April and turned it in; when no one came forward, it was returned to him, though he was unaware that he needed to report it as "income." (2) A 16-year-old Fox Chapel, Pa., boy realized at a football game in September that he was inadvertently carrying a pocket knife and conscientiously turned it in to a security guard -- which earned him a 10-day school suspension. The school's "zero tolerance" rule, said the boy's father, "sends a message (that) you should probably lie." (3) Betty Green was fired as clerk at the Speedway gas station in Lexington, Ky., in November when she "just said no" to an armed robber, who smiled and walked out. Company rules require always giving up the money. Said Green, "I don't think anybody knows what you are going to do until it happens to you." [Associated Press via ABC News, 11-10-2013] [KDKA-TV (Pittsburgh), 9-16-2013] [WLEX- TV (Lexington), 11-6-2013]

-- In November, the senior class president of Northwest Christian University in Eugene, Ore., "came out" -- as an atheist. Eric Fromm, 21, is apparently popular on campus, and an ABC News report revealed that he was under no pressure to resign or drop out. Said the director of university relations, "All of our students are on a journey. ... We as an institution meet students where they are at." Fromm said he was impressed with the school right from his initial visit. "No one was speaking in tongues or handling snakes, so I decided to stay." [ABC News, 11-11-2013]

-- Not the Usual Modus Operandi: (1) The vandalism of Marion County High School in Jasper, Tenn., on the eve of a big football game in November was not, after all, the work of arch-rival South Pittsburg -- notwithstanding the clues. The South Pittsburg markings were apparently made by Marion County teacher-coach Michael Schmitt, who was arrested. He told officers he was only trying to inspire the team (which lost anyway, 35-17). (2) Police in Urunga, Australia, charged teacher Andrew Minisini in December with taking three female students to a motel, giving them alcohol and seducing them -- not into sex, but into vandalizing the residence of one of Minisini's former colleague rivals. [Times Free Press (Chattanooga), 11-13-2013] [Sydney Morning Herald, 12-6-2013]

-- A government-subsidized, foundation-supported program for alcoholics in Amsterdam announced a "welfare"/"work" program offering the city's drunks the equivalent of about $14 a day -- and five free cans of beer -- for several hours of street-cleaning. Some beneficiaries told London's The Independent, in a November dispatch, that, of course, they intended to use the cash to buy even more beer. [The Independent, 11-20-2013]

In November, Dave Wilson, a white conservative candidate for the board of the Houston Community College System, pulled off an astonishing victory over the African-American incumbent, by distributing campaign materials that made him -- Wilson -- appear to be black and thus the favorite of African-Americans. Wilson's brochures depicting black "supporters" were all, he later said, copied from the Internet. [KHOU-TV, 11-10-2013]

In 2001, German computer repairman Armin Meiwes captured world attention when he was convicted of killing, and then sauteeing and eating parts of a Berlin engineer of particularly low self-esteem, who had offered himself on a German cannibal-fetish website. In November 2013, police in the German state of Saxony were investigating human body parts found at a bed-and-breakfast run by "Detlef G.," suggesting the parts were from "Wojciech S.," who frequented a cannibal-fetish website and who had traveled to meet Detlef -- and that the parts had been found in an area of the grounds used for "grilling." The investigation is continuing. [Spiegel Online, 11-29-2013, 12-4-2013]

Selfies: Cornelius Fergueson, 45, a psychologist for the Philadelphia Family Court System, was arrested in December for allegedly masturbating in front of his office window. Edward Alvin, 34, was arrested on a similar charge in November, in the lobby of the DMV office in West Palm Beach, Fla. Brian Hounslow, 37, was arrested in November (similar charge) in the ladies' room at a Tulsa, Okla., Walmart. (Asked the bewildered woman who called security: "Who gets up at 8:30 in the morning and decides they're going to go to Walmart, take off all their clothes, and masturbate in the woman's bathroom?") [Philly.com, 12-5-2013] [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 11-12-2013] [KJRH-TV (Tulsa), 11-20-2013]

-- A condominium association in Niles, Ill., is debating whether to pursue Norman Kazmierski since he has now moved. As a resident, he was accused of keying cars, egging hallways, disabling the emergency sprinkler system, and leaving several pounds of excrement in buildings in protest of alleged mistreatment. The association said it all started when one resident asked Kazmierski to please park his car between the lines so that parking spaces could be used more efficiently. [Chicago Sun-Times, 11-23-2013]

-- Police in Mayville, Wis., arrested John Grant, 42, in November for shooting his wife, Nicole, three times with a Taser gun. The couple tried to explain that Nicole (Green Bay Packers fan) had bet John (Chicago Bears fan) on the game, with the winner getting to Taser the loser (although she sheepishly said later that she didn't think John would actually shoot her). (According to breath tests, neither of the Grants could have lawfully driven a car.) [KARE-TV (Minneapolis), 11-6-2013]

During the September Guantanamo Bay trial of five people charged in connection in the 9/11 attacks, defense lawyers continued to complain that their "confidential" client information was being leaked from the poorly secured "classified" Pentagon computer network. Said the lead defense counsel (Air Force Col. Karen Mayberry), the normal Department of Defense "classified" network is so porous that she has been forced to use the Wi-Fi at the local Guantanamo Starbucks, which she regards as more secure. [Reuters via DigitalOne.com (Singapore), 9-20-2013]

Americans who accidentally shot themselves recently: A 31-year-old man, showing off his high-powered rifle to friends, shot off part of his face, Waterville, Maine (November). A 22-year-old woman, handing her brand-new assault rifle to her husband, shot herself (fatally) in the head, Federal Heights, Colo. (May). Two police chiefs shot themselves (Medina, Ohio, in April and Washington, N.H., in June). A 66-year-old firearms instructor, Winona, Minn., shot his finger while explaining to his wife that it was impossible to pull the trigger while the gun is holstered (April). Awkward Wounds: A Columbia, Mo., man shot in the "posterior" while removing his gun from his back pocket (May); a 23-year-old man, Charleston, W.Va., shot in the groin while holstering his weapon (August); a 43-year-old driver, Norfolk, Va., shot in the groin while waving his gun at bystanders who objected to his speeding (August). Waterville: [Morning Sentinel (Waterville), 11-8-2013] Federal: [KMGH-TV (Denver), 5-16-2013] Medina: [Medina Gazette, 4-18-2013] Washington: [WMUR-TV (Manchester), 6-3-2013] Winona: [Winona Daily News, 4-30-2013] Columbia: [KMIZ-TV (Columbia), 5-30-2013] Charleston: [Charleston Daily Mail, 8-28-2013] Norfolk: [WTKR-TV (Norfolk), 8-7-2013]

Thanks This Week to Ernest Isaacs and Gerard Zavaski, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

During the 2012 presidential campaign, Mitt Romney caught criticism for his proposed California home with parking on an upper floor, requiring a car elevator. Much more elaborate elevator access will be available in the new Porsche Design Tower near Miami (opening in 2016 and already 80 percent sold out, according to a December report by Slate.com). The 132 oceanside units (in square footage from 4,300 to 17,000 and in price from $5.3 million to $32.5 million) include glass-walled, elevator-accessed spaces for two or four cars (for people who would rather admire their Bugattis and Maseratis than the Atlantic Ocean). [Slate.com, 12-11-2013]

-- Equality Under Law: (1) In December, Fort Worth, Texas, judge Jean Boyd sentenced teenager Ethan Couch to probation with no jail time for drunkenly killing four people in a car crash -- apparently accepting Couch's "defense" that his affluent, permissive childhood had taught him irresponsibility. (WFAA-TV turned up a 2012 case in which Judge Boyd sentenced a 14-year-old black kid to prison for punching another boy who then fell, bumped his head and died.) (2) New York City prostitute murderer Rasheen Everett got a 29-year sentence in December, despite his lawyer's "defense" that the victim was merely a transgendered prostitute. ("Shouldn't (29-year sentences) be reserved for people who are guilty of killing certain (higher) classes of individuals?") [KRLD-TV (Dallas-Fort Worth), 12-10-2013] [WFAA-TV (Dallas-Fort Worth), 12-13-2013] [New York Post, 12-6-2013]

-- Tension over digital security is such that an alarming disclosure made in 2004 (and largely ignored) can resurface on a website in 2013 and appear even more astonishing. At the height of the Cold War in the 1960s (and largely because of Pentagon-White House contentiousness), "safeguards" were installed to prevent rogue generals from launching nuclear war on their own. What today would be a "PIN" number was assigned to each missile, but Strategic Air Command generals mocked the PINs by setting each one to "00000000" -- a code that today would be ridiculed as naive. (Furthermore, "00000000" was then written out on each missile's instructions, according to the former launch control officer who disclosed it in 2004.) [Huffington Post, 12-5-2013] [Center for Defense Information, 4-4-2004]

-- Many medical professionals are certain that Dr. Stanislaw Burzynski, 70, is a quack, treating cancer patients with expensive, FDA-unapproved substances, giving false hope to the terminally ill and in some cases diverting them from better-regarded treatments. However, according to a December USA Today investigation, Dr. Burzynski enjoys enthusiastic support from a small but dedicated group of patients, and neither regulators in Texas (where he is licensed) nor two juries (who turned back indictments against him) have been able to stop him. FDA regulators have been inconsistent toward him but appear to be gaining aggressiveness following recent inspections of his facilities. (Dr. Burzynski manufactures his own proprietary drugs, charging around $10,000 a month to patients who can pay.) [USA Today, 11-17-2013]

-- One Rule Fits All: Jim Howe, father of two children at South Cumberland Elementary School in Crossville, Tenn., was handcuffed and briefly detained by a sheriff's deputy in November after mistakenly believing that he could walk his kids home when class let out at 2 p.m. Actually, the school allows 2 p.m. departure only for kids being picked up in cars; pupils who leave on foot must wait until 2:35. (Howe assumed that the waiting period was only to protect young pedestrians from pick-up traffic.) Deputy Avery Aytes said a rule is a rule and that if Howe failed to cooperate, he would be jailed. [WATE-TV (Knoxville), 11-18-2013]

-- David Friehling, who was identified as Bernard Madoff's accountant soon after Madoff's 2008 confession to running his notorious Ponzi scheme, provided evidence in November that a certain Madoff associate knew all along that Madoff was running bogus numbers on his books -- testifying that he dutifully certified all such falsified documents that the associate showed him. Friehling, who pleaded guilty in 2009 for his personal role in the scam, also revealed that somehow he had actually blown $4.3 million of his own money in the swindle (on behalf of his children and other family members). [New York Post, 11-13-2013]

-- Overcompensation: Mr. Kelcey Nicholas, 28, was arrested, along with Lataura Jarrett, 21, in Mount Nebo, W.Va., in September and charged with having incestuous relations. Thus, West Virginia -- a popular target for jokes about cultural tolerance for incest and inbreeding -- appears to be boldly reversing course, since Jarrett is merely Nicholas' step-daughter. [WV Metro News (Charleston, W.Va.), 9-20-2013]

-- Police finally arrested William Footman, 55, in October as the person who somehow managed to swipe inside-front-door mats from at least 37 New York City banks between March and May 2013. No money was ever taken, and some banks were slow to realize the thefts -- unobservant that they had even had front-door mats in the first place. "I sell them to bodegas," Footman said. "Their floors get wet." [New York Times, 10-26-2013]

-- Rodney Rotert of Tulsa, Okla., filed a lawsuit recently against Philadelphia Insurance Companies demanding the return of "his" classic 1967 Chevrolet Camaro, supposedly worth about $100,000. His case is complicated by the fact that he also recently pleaded no contest to possessing stolen property, i.e., that very same car, stolen from an Arkansas dealer in 2007. (Rotert claims he bought the car legitimately, but he also changed the Vehicle Identification Number to obtain a false title.) Rotert said his legal claim, especially with the "current" VIN, is superior to the insurance company's claim. [KOTV, 11-18-2013]

While many educators lament the mediocrity of American universities in encouraging study of science and engineering, U.S. colleges are surely among world leaders in one area: sensitivity to students questioning their gender. In the current school year, Bellevue (Wash.) College and Mills College (Oakland, Calif.) have offered students unprecedented choices of self-identification. "Male/female" is no longer useful at Bellevue, which offers "feminine, masculine, androgynous, gender neutral, transgender and other." At Mills, students identify themselves as "agender, bigender, third-gender or gender-fluid," and select the pronoun they wish to be referred to with (he or she or ze or sie or ve, or the agrammatical "they"). [OpposingViews.com, 12-2-2013; Associated Press via Yahoo News, 11-30-2013]

When a pickpocket shared a taxi ride with him recently in China's Hunan province and somehow managed to lift Zou Bin's iPhone, Zou was frightened that he had lost all of his beverage-industry business contacts and began text-messaging desperate pleas to the thief. Several days later, in the postal mail, Zou received a list of his contacts, apparently carefully copied from the phone, totaling 11 handwritten pages of names and numbers, and as the story broke on Chinese social media, the earnest thief was referred to as "the conscience of the (robbery) industry," and compared to a member of the People's Liberation Army as the model conscientious citizen that the Chinese should aspire to. [BBC News, 11-25-2013]

-- Iowa lawyer Robert Allan Wright Jr. was suspended for a year by the Attorney Disciplinary Board in December for mishandling client funds. One client had received a "Nigerian inheritance" letter in 2011, and Wright apparently jumped at the opportunity to receive "$18 million," seemingly unaware of what almost everyone else in the developed world knows about unsolicited Nigerian business deals. By December 2013, Wright had looted accounts of other clients in order to pay the "fees" necessary to free up the $18 million. He was spared a more onerous punishment only because the board concluded that Wright "honestly ... continues to believe" that the inheritance is real -- that "one day a trunk full of ... one hundred dollar bills is going to appear upon his office doorstep." [AboveTheLaw.com, 12-6-2013]

-- Tough Sell for the French, Even at Discount: The Petite Syrah cafe‚ in the city of Nice, France, began pricing its coffee differently in December to introduce greater politeness among the notoriously brusque French. If a patron orders by saying, "Bonjour, un cafe, s'il vous plait" (i.e., with "hello" and "please"), the price is 1.40 euros (about $1.90). "Un cafe‚ s'il vous plait" -- not quite as polite -- costs 4.25 euros (about $5.80). The price for "Un cafe!" -- apparently the usual way of announcing one's need for coffee -- 7 euros (about $9.50). [TheLocal.fr (Paris), 12-10-2013]

Thanks This Week to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.