Big-time traffickers who smuggle illegal immigrants into the U.S. from Mexico rely on GPS devices to evade the Border Patrol, but starting in June, border-jumpers who travel on their own can have protection, too. Three University of California, San Diego faculty members have designed inexpensive cell phones with special software to locate water, churches and medical facilities in the treacherous Southwest desert (while avoiding law enforcement) and will give the devices to Mexican charities. The phones, which will also feature "welcome to the U.S." poetry, are expected to save the lives of many of the hundreds who die each year on their dangerous journeys, but illegal-immigration protesters are demanding that the academics be arrested for assisting in crimes.

-- A man identified in China's Chongqing Evening News in November as Mr. Zhang, 32, admitted he is competitive with his wife and "never wants to lose an argument," but inevitably his contentiousness leaves him with "bruises and scars all over" because Mrs. Zhang is a kung fu master. After negotiations led by Mrs. Zhang's parents, she agreed by contract to limit any beatings to no more than once a week, with a parent-administered penalty for exceeding that.

-- American Jonathan Littell was awarded the 2009 "Bad Sex in Fiction" award by Britain's prestigious Literary Review, having written passages like these in his novel "The Kindly Ones": "I [climaxed] suddenly, a jolt that emptied my head like a spoon scraping the inside of a soft-boiled egg." Later: A woman's genitalia resembles "a Gorgon's head ... a motionless Cyclops whose single eye never blinks. If only I could still get hard, I thought, I could use my [organ] like a stake hardened in the fire, and blind this Polyphemus who made me Nobody. But my [organ] remained inert, I seemed turned to stone."

-- The Kirklees (West Yorkshire, England) Environmental Health department cited farmer Ronald Norcliffe, 65, in 2008 for inadequate lighting in his barn, which inspectors said failed to meet the "psychological needs" of his one cow and her calf. In his formal appeal, heard in October 2009, Norcliffe noted (unsuccessfully) that he has had a clean record as a farmer for 30 years and that in fact, he still lives fine without electricity in his own house. After his defeat, Norcliffe's lawyer sighed. "I still have no idea how much lighting is appropriate for a cow."

-- In December, a court in Istanbul, Turkey, found 39 people guilty of trying to overthrow the government after a trial that lasted, on and off, for 28 years. More than 1,000 defendants had been rounded up after challenging a 1980 military coup. The original trial lasted 10 years, but the case languished in an appeals court for 13 years while judges awaited 100 folders of evidence that had somehow gone missing. The 39 were given life sentences, but were immediately released based on time already served. The European Union has urged that Turkey upgrade its judicial system as a pre-condition for membership.

-- Intelligent Design: As with all copulating species, female Muscovy ducks battle male Muscovy ducks over which controls fertilization. Patricia Brennan of Yale, writing in a recent Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, found that the female Muscovy avoids forced sex by having evolved a clockwise-spiraled corkscrew vagina that foils male intruders (but relaxing it for preferred mates, so that they don't get stuck in vaginal "cul-de-sacs"). Brennan's team worked with high-speed video and mock-up glass tubing of the respective organs.

-- Plastic surgeon Mark Weinberger, who skipped town in Merrillville, Ind., in 2004 to avoid mounting malpractice lawsuits and Medicare fraud charges, was finally cornered living in a tent on the southern slopes of Italy's Mont Blanc in December. As authorities approached to arrest him, Dr. Weinberger grabbed a knife and plunged it into his neck, but perhaps owing to his rusty skills (or incompetence, if the malpractice claims are accurate), missed the major artery and was captured.

-- The Great Yarmouth Sea Life Centre in Norfolk, England, lowered the water level in its giant aquarium for Christmas because the big turtles (which are herbivores) were scheduled to receive their annual holiday treat of brussels sprouts. Officials know from experience that if they fail to lower the water level, the gas bubbles from the powerful turtle emissions will lift the water high enough to trigger the emergency tank-flooding buzzers.

-- In November, Oprah Winfrey's mother, Vernita Lee, and the luxury fashion store Valentina Inc. announced a settlement of the latter's lawsuit over Lee's $155,547 outstanding tab. On a previous tab of $174,285 in 2002, Lee had agreed to make periodic repayments, but the store apparently allowed her to open another account, and as the new balance swelled, Lee sued, claiming the store should not have re-extended credit to her.

-- In December, pedophile Theodore Sypnier (the first-ever New Yorker to turn 100 years old while behind bars) was released from prison even though he continues to deny that he has done anything wrong. He was sent once again to a halfway house near Walden, N.Y., run by Rev. Terry King, who took Sypnier in twice before and warns that Sypnier is still highly dangerous. "As a father," said King, "I would not want my child anywhere near him." Noting that Sypnier continues to reject counseling, King said, "He's been adamant that, 'I'm 100, and I'm not gonna change.'"

Failed to Keep a Low Profile: (1) A news summary of traffic stops on Christmas Eve in Alice Springs, Australia, noted that 11 people were charged with DUI, including one man who was spotted driving despite his car's hood being broken in the "up" position and having smashed through his windshield. The driver maneuvered down the street by craning his neck out the side window. (2) Two weeks earlier, in Trumbull, Conn., police arrested Christopher Frazao, 27, after watching him drive despite a windshield full of snow (except for a small opening he could peer though). A search of the car revealed marijuana and other drugs, as well as items believed to have been stolen in recent burglaries.

On the heels of the "Balloon Boy" fiasco in which a super-ambitious father exploited his child to win a reality TV job, Jim Dunn of North Vancouver, British Columbia, submitted a demo reel to reality-show producers featuring him and his entire family turned into gasoline-soaked fireballs. Dunn, one of Canada's leading film stunt men, and his wife and three kids, ages 15, 12 and 9, have all performed as stunt doubles (though it was the first fire for the youngest, who was 7 when the video was shot), and abundant safety precautions were taken (with no resulting complications). In his career, Dunn has suffered six leg fractures and a cracked skull, and needed two bowel resections.

Psychology professor Russell Carney of Southwest Missouri State University told the Associated Press in August 1992 that he had developed a technique for improving memory and told the reporter how he could facilitate the recall, say, that a particular painting was done by Degas in 1865. First, think of an object that sounds like "Degas" (day-GAH), for example, "dagger," and then memorize the last two digits of the year by learning the sentence "Twin new moons rose low, just clearing four pine saplings," in which the first word begins with a T and stands for "1," the second, N, stands for "2," and so on. Thus, 1865 becomes "65," which becomes "just" "low," which could translate to J-L, which could be "jelly," which would produce a "jelly dagger," to which the subject tries to find a resemblance, somewhere, in the Degas painting. Simple as that!

Natives of the Erromango section of the Pacific island Vanuatu recently held a formal "conciliation" with the great-great-grandson of the British missionary whom the islanders' ancestors ate when he came ashore in 1839. Charles Milner-Williams' forebear, Rev. John Williams, was regarded as the most famous Christian missionary of the era. Vanuatan legislator Ralph Regenvanu told BBC News that cannibalism was traditionally a sacred warrior practice for "vanquishing a threat (and) absorbing the power of the enemy." Nonetheless, he said, the island has long felt "guilt," and even a "complex," from killing and eating Rev. Williams. In penitence, Vanuatu symbolically gave the Williams family a 7-year-old girl, who will not be eaten but whose education Milner-Williams promised to underwrite.

-- In November, a Chicago judge ruled that former firefighter Jeffrey Boyle is entitled to his $50,000 annual pension even though he had pleaded guilty in 2006 to eight counts of arson (and allegedly confessed to 12 more). Boyle is known locally as "Matches" Boyle to distinguish him from his brother, John "Quarters" Boyle, who is now in federal prison for bribery following the theft of millions of dollars in state toll-gate coins. Judge LeRoy Martin Jr. concluded that Matches' arsons were wholly separate from his firefighting.

-- Salvadorean citizen Ernesto Gamboa, who worked for 13 years in the Seattle area as a snitch for federal drug agents and contributed to at least 92 convictions for drug- and weapons-smuggling, was "fired" by Immigration and Customs Enforcement in May after asking the agency for regular employment. Gamboa originally entered the U.S. as a visitor but overstayed and now aspires merely to an "S visa" granted aliens who assist law enforcement. Not only did ICE deny that request but, according to a November Seattle Times report, the agency informed Gamboa that he should prepare to be deported.

-- "It is the Christian commandment to love your enemies and to do good to them. I did that," explained Dan Ross, 61, a retiree in Lehigh Acres, Fla., who in November wired a dozen yellow roses to Maj. Nidal Hasan, the accused Fort Hood spree killer. "Whereas the ministers out there in Fort Hood are praying for (Hasan) ... I went one step further," Ross told the Naples Daily News. The card Ross ordered with the flowers read, "In God's eye, and those who submit, you are a hero!" The Texas florist who received the order notified the FBI.

-- While reporting on Britain's oldest newlyweds in November (husband 94, wife 87), the Daily Telegraph also noted that in 2008, Bertie Wood and her husband, Jessie, of Falmouth had decided to end their 36-year marriage, evidently at a point where they felt they needed a fresh start. Both were 97 years old at the time. Jessie has since died, and Bertie lives in a nursing home.

-- Michael Yavorski, 52, who drew a three-month sentence in October for having twice fondled a 12-year-old girl and given her a beer, complained through his lawyer that the sentence was too long. "The collateral consequences for Mr. Yavorski here are tremendous," said the lawyer, in that the negative publicity about the case might force Yavorski to close his business in Lower Nazareth Township, Pa., an ice cream parlor.

-- In a December letter, lawyers for the world-famous Lincoln Center for the Performing Arts in New York City threatened litigation against Lincoln County, Miss., which recently changed the name of its Lincoln County Multi-Purpose Facility to "Lincoln Center." The facility, in the town of Brookhaven (pop. 9,800), is used mostly for livestock shows and family reunions.

-- Almost every Thursday night, Jack Knowler, 61, and his girlfriend, Bev Rogers, enjoy themselves at Hanc's Bar in Bowmanville, Ontario, and then, knowing their limitations, leave their vehicles parked and call A Ryde Home, a local service for the intoxicated. On a recent Thursday night, according to a December report in the Toronto Sun, as Knowler and Rogers waited outside Hanc's for their ride, they were ticketed by police (at $65 each) for being drunk in public. Said a police supervisor, "It's not a 'mixed message.' You can't be intoxicated in a public place."

(1) After pleading guilty in Cardiff Crown Court to forging an uncle's checks worth 41,000 pounds ($65,000), Hayley Price, 42, was fined 5 pounds ($8), given a suspended sentence and ordered to do community service. The judge reasoned that Price was broke, having already spent the 41,000 pounds. (2) Brian Wallace was the victim of a severe beating in Belfast, Northern Ireland, in 2007, stabbed five times and hospitalized with lung and kidney lacerations, and to this day is battling for 7,500 pounds ($12,000) compensation from a government fund. In December 2009, Wallace learned that his attacker, Simon Granhof, who had been mistakenly kept in jail two weeks longer than his sentence, would receive 12,500 pounds ($20,000) from the government for deprivation of rights. (Granhof's sentence had already been cut in half before the mistake.)

Kevin Derks, 53, of Kenosha, Wis., swears that he has never touched an underage girl, even though he admitted to an all-consuming fixation on their "innocence" and beauty. Derks' apartment, according to a detective, appears to be a "shrine" to little girls, with walls covered with posters and photos, including snapshots of celebrity kids and local children, according to a Kenosha News report, and a bed full of stuffed toys and two adolescent-sized mannequins in sexual positions with adult mannequins. Derks was arrested in November and charged with 20 counts of child pornography based on some of his photos and videos. Said Derks, to detectives: "This was my own world. I knew what I was doing. I took a gamble. It's like going to Vegas, except I lost everything. (N)ow my ass is gonna fry."

(1) In November, the Seattle Police Department, investigating a complaint about a beating, interviewed a 25-year-old man hospitalized after being found screaming in pain impaled on a metal fence. He said he had run away from a barroom fight and momentarily thought he was a "ninja warrior" capable of leaping the fence. (2) Sean McDowell, 24, was arrested in Ashland, Ore., after attempting to steal a 4-foot-tall stuffed giraffe from the front of a children's store. A police officer had witnessed an inebriated McDowell grab the giraffe and make simulated sexual movements, then walk away, and then return 90 minutes later to snatch the animal for good.

(1) Shawnee Mission Northwest outscored the competition at the Kansas Girls State Gymnastics Championship in November, but finished in third place because of a one-point penalty for a rule violation. The school's coach had inquired about a balance-beam score outside the five-minute "window" for inquiries. The two schools that were tied for second place were declared co-champions. (2) Environmentally conscious David and Katie France live 400 yards from their recycling center in Blandford, England, and decided in October to hand-carry their garbage instead of driving their car the short distance. However, they were refused entry, based on a "safety" rule requiring that trash be brought in vehicles.

In May 1991, Maxcy Dean Filer of Compton, Calif., finally passed the California Bar exam. He had graduated from law school in 1966 but had failed the exam 47 straight tries. (After opening a practice in Compton, he was suspended in 2007 for failing to pass the California Bar's Professional Responsibility exam. He remains suspended.)

In Somalia, which is without a central government to speak of and where very little functions beyond an Islamic resistance and individual warlords' fiefdoms, a robust "stock market" has emerged in the city of Haradheere for "investors" in the seagoing pirate "industry," to raise money and supplies for kidnappers in exchange for a share of the bounty once a ransom is paid. According to a December Reuters dispatch, 72 "companies" are listed on the exchange, enabling "venture capital" to fund greater piracy traffic and more sophisticated looting. There even seems to be a financial "bubble" at work, in that since the "exchange" opened, pirates' ransoms have doubled to about $4 million per ship.

Afghanistan's national game, buzkashi, is attempting a marketing transformation inspired by pro football's and basketball's growths in the United States over the last several decades, according to a November USA Today dispatch. The main hindrance is that buzkashi is often little more than violent anarchy. A team of 12 men on horseback tries to carry a goat carcass the length of a field, around a goal and back, through an opposing team "defense" that includes almost any tactic short of murder. Spectators are often trampled by riders disregarding boundaries, and horses have dropped dead on the field from abuse or fatigue. The head of the Buzkashi Federation said he aims to present the game for consideration to the International Olympic Committee.

-- Carried Away: (1) Since March 2008, the Cathedral of Christ the King in Phoenix has been ringing its bells every half-hour, 24 hours a day, enraging neighbors, and a showdown with city officials was looming at press time, according to ABC News. (2) Martina Rabess, 52, was sanctioned by Britain's Sevenoaks Magistrates Court in October after neighbors complained about her loud, continuous recitations of the Lord's Prayer in early morning hours around her apartment house. (3) Atlanta municipal bus driver Leroy Matthews was suspended in November for a recent incident in which he suddenly stopped the bus and refused to open the doors until the alighting passenger joined hands with him in prayer.

-- The Scranton (Pa.) Diocese, Needing Confession: Father Edward Lyman of the diocese was removed as a parish administrator in November after he inadvertently (using his personal computer during early Mass) clicked on photos of four bare-chested young men in provocative poses. Also in November, the diocese disavowed Father Virgil Tetherow's behavior for offering Mass at a breakaway church in York, Pa., and too-aggressively protesting at a Planned Parenthood clinic (incidents on top of Tetherow's 2005 conviction on a charge that was originally child porn possession but downgraded in a plea agreement). And yet another diocese priest, Father Robert Timchak, waived a preliminary hearing in November on charges of having child porn on his computer.

-- Aggressive Christianity: (1) Rev. Marc Grizzard, pastor of the Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, N.C., staged an October book-burning of "Satan's" literature, including works by Mother Teresa and Rev. Billy Graham and any Bible besides the original King James version. (2) In October, Mikey Weinstein, a former military lawyer who served in the Reagan White House, filed a lawsuit against Gordon Klingenschmitt, head of a Dallas chaplains' association, to stop Klingenschmitt from publicly reciting Bible verses implying a smiting of Weinstein, along with Weinstein's family and descendants for 10 generations. Said Klingenschmitt: "I never prayed for anyone's death. All I did was quote the Scriptures."

(1) Shannon Broome, 15, of Jacksonville, Fla., with her leg in a cast and still laid up from a June rollover accident in an SUV, was hit again in December when another out-of-control SUV came through her bedroom wall and re-broke the leg (among other injuries inflicted). (2) Recently, at the Abergele Hospital in North Wales, Geraint Woolford, 52, was moved into a room to await a partial knee replacement and discovered that his roommate was Geraint Woolford, 77, who was awaiting a hip replacement. According to a December report in the Daily Mail, they are not related, but both are retired police officers.

Rajeev Kumar of Calcutta, India, is well-known locally for playing the harmonica, specifically, using only his right nostril. For added show, Kumar plays two harmonicas simultaneously, with nostril and mouth. A BBC News reporter watching him (for a December dispatch) said Kumar's strain was obvious. "(T)he veins running through his nose and neck bulge, his eyes pop out, and his face looks red and stretched." And at Britain's West Midland Safari Park, the African elephant "Five" spends portions of almost every day puffing away at a harmonica she found in her enclosure. Said a park spokesperson, "Five was making tunes within a few weeks." (The talented Five also paints on canvas.)

-- Michael Sampson, who was in court in Salina, Kan., in November merely on charges of littering and driving with a suspended license, was arrested after a judge spotted him at the defense table, making threatening gestures to witnesses. Sampson was seen holding his thumb and fingers in the shape of a gun, "firing" at a witness, and making a slashing motion across his neck.

-- In November, Father Joe Vetter, head of Duke University's Catholic Center, criticized a research team seeking student volunteers on female attitudes toward sex toys and paraphernalia. Father Vetter said the project would affect students "in this development phase (of their lives), and I don't think it's a good developmental practice to just tell somebody to just sit around and masturbate."

Sara Foss, 39, the mother of 13 in Derby, England, who is scheduled to deliver No. 14 in March, told the Daily Mail in November of her vow to continue getting pregnant until she fulfills her desire to have twins. Her longtime, live-in boyfriend works as a boat-builder, but their main income is government benefits worth the equivalent of about $80,000 annually. (Foss, apparently also a fan of literature and movies, has kids named Artemus, Morpheus, Voorhees, Baudelaire, Blackbird, Echo, Malachai and Frodo.)

Not Ready for Prime Time: (1) Andre Stoltzfus, 17, was arrested in Saugerties, N.Y., in October after he allegedly counterfeited a $1 bill that a family member later used toward the purchase of a pack of cigarettes. (2) Bandanna-clad Jason Zacchi, 27, was arrested in Dearborn Heights, Mich., in November after, according to police, pointing a shotgun at a Wendy's employee at the drive-in window and demanding money. Moments later, the shift manager angrily approached the window and yelled at Zacchi, "What the hell are you doing?" (The manager had recognized Zacchi through his bandanna. Zacchi is her son.)

Ragnar Bengtsson, 26, the male Swedish student who vowed in September to pump milk from his nipples every three hours for 90 days, drop by drop, to show that it could be done, quit in November, concluding that it can't. Said a TV producer following Bengtsson around, "All he got was sore breasts."

In April 2002, the U.S. Patent Office awarded patent number 6,368,227 to Steven Olson, age 7, of St. Paul, Minn., whose father had filed to help him protect a method of swinging on a swing. The Olsons' discovery: While seated, if you pull alternately on one side's chain/rope and then on the other side's, while gradually introducing a forward-backward thrust, you can swing in an oval-shaped arc, as long as the side-to-side motion is greater than the forward-backward motion. According to the Patent Office, licenses to use the patented method are available from the inventor.