Because perhaps hundreds of Japanese Yakuza gangsters are nearing retirement age, the Ministry of Health, Labor, and Welfare has drafted rules for the former gambling, loan shark, and protection workers to qualify for benefits, according to a March dispatch from Tokyo in The Times of London. Since organized crime leaves no employment paper trail, ex-mobsters must supply a letter of retirement from their crime boss in order to sign up, although local governments are expected to accept as partial proof gang tattoos, criminal records, demonstrations of missing finger tips (the sign of traditional Yakuza punishment for mistakes).

-- Victoria Lundy, 41, in custody in Chillicothe, Ohio, in January for a barroom shooting, apparently smuggled her gun into the jail at the time of her arrest by putting it inside her vagina. A shot was fired in a holding cell, and according to a fellow prisoner interviewed by the Chillicothe Gazette, the gun had gone off when Lundy sat down on a bench in the cell. (No one was hit.)

-- Among the places of business particularly affected by Americans' cell-phone rudeness was the Green Oaks Family Dentistry clinic in Arlington, Texas, according to a February USA Today story. Office manager Lisa Teague said patients were carrying on phone conversations while hygienists worked in their mouths. "It was very disruptive," she said.

-- Chicagoland Schools in Crisis: (1) In February, a sixth-grader at Waldo Middle School was suspended and charged with a felony by Aurora, Ill., police when he brought powdered sugar to class for a science project and jokingly told another student that it was cocaine. A custodian overheard the conversation and reported him. (2) The Chicago Tribune reported in March that dozens of blind students in Chicago public schools are nonetheless required to take driver education classes. One sightless but otherwise optimistic student told the Tribune she resented the requirement because it made her uncharacteristically dwell on something that she cannot do.

-- Andrew Thurnheer, 45, was elected in January as the highway superintendent in Danby, N.Y., even though he still lives with his parents. He doesn't sleep in his old bedroom, though; he sleeps in his tree house, 40 feet up, which he built nearly 20 years ago, and which has a generator-powered elevator, a shower and a propane heater, according to a January Associated Press dispatch. (Mr. Kapila Pradhan, also 45, has also been living in a tree, for the past 15 years, but that is in a village in Orissa state in India. He sought solitude after a fight with his wife, according to a January BBC News dispatch.)

Arrested in February in Town Creek, Ala., on drug-related charges: University of North Alabama basketball player Reprobatus Bibbs ("reprobate," in the dictionary, is "morally depraved" or "beyond hope of salvation"). And sought in a February shooting death in New Orleans: 20-year-old Ivory Harris, whose nickname is "Be Stupid."

(1) When the U.S. Department of the Interior was ordered to reimburse lawyers for American Indians $7 million for their successful lawsuit over missing royalty payments on Indian land, the department decided that budget considerations would force it to raise almost half of that $7 million by cutting back programs of the Bureau of Indian Affairs. (2) According to a November Washington Post poll (whose results were published in February), 94 percent of Americans said they are "above average" in honesty, 89 percent "above average" in common sense, 86 percent "above average" in intelligence, and 79 percent "above average" in looks.

(1) In January in Kyoto, Japan, a 32-year-old nurse was sentenced to more than three years in prison after she was convicted of relieving her overwork-induced stress by tearing off the fingernails and toenails of immobilized patients. (2) British dentist Mojgan Azari was de-licensed in January after a conviction for allowing her unqualified boyfriend to do fillings on more than 600 patients. (3) Terra Linda High School (San Rafael, Calif.) wrestler D.J. Saint James, a senior, was profiled in February in the Marin Independent Journal for his sterling record, including a freshman match in which he suffered a ruptured testicle (which eventually swelled to the size of a fist) but toughed it out for three minutes before summoning up an almost-miraculous burst of energy to pin his opponent.

-- Life Imitates a GEICO Commercial: A teenager lost control of his car in Kettering, Ohio, in March, and smashed into a house, causing major damage. According to police, he had swerved to avoid hitting an albino squirrel (which, unlike in the commercial, did not survive). Another squirrel caused a four-car collision in March in Mount Pleasant Township, Pa., but no injuries were reported. Neither human was cited by police.

-- "What She Really Wants to Do Is Direct": When Tamara Anne Moonier filed rape charges against six young men in Fullerton, Calif., in June 2004, she seemed the disconsolate victim of vicious predators. However, shortly afterward, one of the accused gave police a video of the entire incident, and Moonier consequently was indicted in 2005 for filing a false police report and defrauding a victim assistance fund. In February 2006, Orange County Weekly published several pieces of dialogue from the video and described numerous "scenes" in which Moonier is shown laughing (27 different times), dominating action, ordering certain sex acts and positions, complimenting the men's bodies, and barking out exhortations for the men to improve their virility and performances.

(1) Russian president Vladimir Putin apparently surprised diplomatic observers in Britain in January when he declined to expel four U.K. diplomats who had been accused of espionage. Reasoned Putin, according to a January dispatch in Britain's Guardian, these four weren't smart enough to avoid getting caught, and if he expelled them, the U.K. would just send replacements who are more clever. (2) A recent study by economists Naci Mocan and Erdal Tekin concluded that unattractive teenagers grow up to commit more crimes than do attractive people. A February Washington Post summary of the research posits that fewer job opportunities and social opportunities might be what accounts for the "consequences of being young and ugly."

Adding to the list of stories that were formerly weird but which now occur with such frequency that they must be retired from circulation: (77) The disgruntled debtor who finally agrees to pay, but obnoxiously delivers it all in pennies, or in $1 bills, as William Lewis Jr., did on a foreclosure judgment in Sebring, Fla., in March. (78) The latest recycling laboratory breakthrough that makes possible the conversion of manure, urine or methane gas into a new energy source, as was Japanese professor Sakae Shibusawa's March announcement that, by pressure and heat, he can produce an ounce of gasoline from 5 pounds of cow dung.

-- A February BBC News story, citing a local newspaper in Upper Nile state in Sudan, reported that village elders had required a Mr. Tombe, as punishment for having been caught having sex with a female goat, to pay a dowry to the goat's owner and to care for the nanny as if they were "married." (The story ran worldwide, with Australia's News Limited's Web site reporting it with a file photo of a goat, adorned with a black bar across its eyes, to protect its privacy.)

(Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679 or WeirdNewsTips@yahoo.com or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com.)

"Reeking" As a Career Field: Homeless New Jersey man Richard Kreimer said in February that he had settled, on undisclosed terms, part of his most recent lawsuit, against a transit company and two drivers, for having denied him rides because of his foul odor. Kreimer's history includes a $150,000 settlement in 1991 with the public library in Morris County, which had tried to keep him out because of the odor, and, by his count, $80,000 in additional lawsuit-related income (though some went for legal expenses). Kreimer dropped another foul-odor lawsuit in February, against a transit company and a train station in Summit.

-- (1) Health authorities in Thailand began warning teenage girls in January of the dental risks of do-it-yourself orthodontics (colorful metallic teeth braces worn for fashion to match girls' outfits, according to an Associated Press dispatch). (2) In Lunar New Year celebrations in January in China, 120 million rural peasants traveled to and from cities via jam-packed trains, despite meager restroom facilities. As a result, according to a Reuters dispatch, there was a massive holiday run on adult diapers.

-- A 300-page indictment detailing more than 1,000 allegations of election fraud was returned in February by a grand jury investigating the coal-mining town of Appalachia, Va., following reports of absentee-ballot bribery by two town officials. Prosecutors accused candidates' operatives of offering the locals such goodies as beer, moonshine and cigarettes and, in one case, a supply of pork rinds.

(1) In January, history professor David Weale of Canada's University of Prince Edward Island offered B-minus grades to any students in his overcrowded class if they would just go away, and 20 of the 95 accepted. (However, the administration found out, and Professor Weale, who had retired last year but returned to teach that one course, re-retired.) (2) Former Fairfield University student William Rom, 24, won $111,000 from the school in a February verdict because he was improperly suspended four years ago. At the time, Rom was accused of entering a women's restroom, fighting, ripping posters off walls, dumping water on students from a second floor, smashing a bathroom mirror, running naked on campus, and (underage) drinking (and subsequently vomiting in the dorm.)

-- (1) The head of the Jo Richardson comprehensive school in Dagenham, England, prohibits students from raising their hands in class, according to a January Daily Telegraph report, to keep those not called on from feeling "victimi(zed)." (2) And rules drawn up in February by the Welsh Assembly called for schools in Wales to ban all kissing, even in school plays (but an assembly spokesman said Romeo could give Juliet "a peck on the cheek").

-- In February, Bolivia's foreign minister proposed to include coca leaves as part of school breakfast programs, noting that they contain many times more calcium than does milk (and unless processed as cocaine, are not mind-altering). And in November, the Coffee Industry Association of Brazil proposed to help fund a breakfast program for a million schoolchildren as young as age 6, provided that the meal includes coffee.

Developer Ryan Pedram was finally ordered to stop work on his new three-story home in the Bronx in New York City after he had begun building it flush with a disputed property line, including constructing one cinder-block wall to encompass the trunk of an oak tree that ostensibly belongs to his neighbor. (He had figured on winning the property dispute and removing the tree; his plan, in case of loss, was not reported.) Also, in Brooklyn, a judge recently allowed industrialist Simon Taub to install Sheetrock walls in several rooms in his home as a temporary solution in a pending divorce, to allow both husband and wife to share the house (reminiscent of the 1989 movie "The War of the Roses").

-- Unusual Obsessions: (1) orchids (When collector Sian Tiong Lim, 32, was recently jailed for four months in England for orchid-smuggling, orchid expert Eric Hansen told United Press International, "There is a lunatic fringe to the orchid world, and a fine line between the average grower and the horticulturally insane.") (2) rare bird eggs (Collector Gregory Wheal, 42, also was jailed recently for four months in England after a 30-year history of stealing from hundreds of nests. His lawyer told the judge that Wheal needs professional help.)

-- When Travis Frey, 33, was charged in Council Bluffs, Iowa, in February with kidnapping his wife, she gave police a "Contract of Wifely Expectations" that he had allegedly written for her (subsequently published on TheSmokingGun.com, which called it a contract "for the ages"). In painstaking detail, the husband prescribed the micromanagement of her life, including what she would wear in public and to bed and the exact times she would be available for specified sexual relations. Instructions on hygiene and body-shaving were given. Eight explicit, non-subservient wifely reactions were banned. She could earn "Good Behavior Days" with exemplary performance but would lose them on specified misbehaviors, including complaining about the contract.

Police in Milford, Texas (just south of Dallas), arrested a man in February who had fled a traffic stop, and in the ensuing chase, saw him tear open and toss out bag after bag of a substance (but some blew back in the car). When finally stopped, said police chief Carlos Phoenix, the man was "literally covered in marijuana" from the blowback. And in January, in Anchorage, Alaska, a man who had painted his face Smurf-like blue robbed the Super 8 Motel, and police put out a description. A short time later, a caller reported a man with blue smudges behind his ears, and police soon arrested Daniel Peter Clark, 19.

In 2003, News of the Weird reported that the Pentagon's Defense Threat Reduction Agency had been Internet-monitoring a facility on Scotland's Isle of Islay whose webcam was showing images suggesting a chemical weapons lab but that, after lengthy surveillance, the agency had found it to be a whiskey distillery. In February 2006, that distillery (Bruichladdich, one of the U.K.'s most adventurous) announced it is preparing to make a 92 percent-alcohol whiskey whose recommended dose is two spoonfuls. Said the managing director, "To be honest, I'm just hoping the distillery doesn't explode."

The Continuing Jesus and Mary World Tour: "Sightings" have been made in just the last three months in North Vernon, Ind. (Jesus on a wooden door), Jacksonville, Fla. (Jesus on a nacho-warming tray), Cozimel, Mexico (Jesus on a flower pot), Laredo, Texas (Jesus on a truck's tailgate), Mexico, Maine (Mary on the charred wood of a burned-out home), Beachwood, Ohio (Jesus on a pancake), Manchester, Conn. (Jesus on a piece of sheet metal), Dallas (Mary on the bark of a tree), and airborne from New York City to Florida (Mary on a potato chip served by Jet Blue).

Police in a Columbus, Ohio, suburb arrested Alan Patton, 54, outside a movie theater restroom in February and later listened to him describe in detail his unusual behavior. According to police, Patton is obsessed with collecting and consuming the urine of young boys, which he said he has done for over 40 years. "I like it because it makes me closer to them like I'm drinking their youth." His modus operandi is to shut off a urinal's flush water, wait for a boy to finish, and then gather up the urine. "Listening to him describe it," said one detective, "it's like listening to a crack or cocaine addict. He's addicted to children's urine."

(Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679 or WeirdNewsTips@yahoo.com or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com.)

The Perfectly Equal Society: (1) In January, Canada's human rights commission was authorized by the Supreme Court to resume consideration of a union's claim that Air Canada's flight attendants (who are mostly women) are just as valuable, and therefore should be paid the same, as its pilots and mechanics (mostly men). (2) Also in January, Doug Anglin, 17, filed a formal complaint with the U.S. Department of Education against Milton (Mass.) High School, which he said discriminates against boys by giving better grades to students who "sit down, follow orders, and listen to what (teachers and administrators) say." "Men," Anglin told a Boston Globe reporter, "naturally rebel against this."

-- The Guo-Li-Zhuang opened recently in Beijing, exclusively serving delicacies made with animal penises and testicles, exploiting the traditional Chinese belief that such foods enhance virility. (Women can prosper, as well, because penis is good for the skin, according to a nutritionist cited in a February London Daily Telegraph dispatch.) Showcase dishes include "Dragon in the flame of desire" (which is yak) and the "hotpot" (six types of penis plus four of testicle). The most expensive is Canadian seal penis, at the equivalent of about $400.

-- Several cafes in Hong Kong now lend their dining guests dogs and cats to pet during their visits. This temporary affection, according to a January Der Spiegel dispatch, is popular because Hong Kong residents find it so inconvenient to own pets in such a densely populated city. Also in January, the owner of the Augsburg, Germany, restaurant La Boheme confirmed that while customers are welcome to bring their own dogs with them when they dine, "small children" are not allowed in the evenings. "After a hard day's work, (diners) want some peace," he told Agence France-Presse.

-- Seventh-grader Jasmine Roberts became a celebrity of sorts in February when her hometown Tampa Tribune published results of her winning science-fair entry, which concluded that the drinking-water ice of several local fast food restaurants contains more bacteria (including some E. coli) than the same restaurants' toilet water. She used a laboratory at the University of South Florida's Moffitt Cancer Center, where she is a volunteer assistant for a professor.

-- Still More Weird Animal Mating Rituals: (1) According to scientists who made rare observations of wombats having sex, published in December, there was chasing, biting, grunting, and stops and starts, along with the female's bewildering "figure-eight dance," which she employed as a pre-requisite for being mounted. (2) A male beluga whale signals his urge by, basically, crashing into a female to draw her attention to his aroused state, according to a February Chicago Sun-Times report from the city's Shedd Aquarium. If the female is also ready, she turns her body to expose herself, after which mating is accomplished in a matter of seconds, followed by the male's abrupt and permanent departure from her life.

-- In Nagano, Japan, in February, five disgruntled Buddhist monks (along with four clerical workers) at the Zenkoji temple formed a labor union that was certified by the National Confederation of Trade Unions, to combat what they say was harassment by the head monk regarding working conditions.

-- The latest product for routine U.S. outsourcing is sperm, according to a November report by Wired.com. In a program established by the highly regarded Dr. Sanford Rosenberg of Richmond, Va., a potential father's sperm is shipped to a lab in Bucharest, Romania, to fertilize eggs of local women, with the resultant embryos frozen and returned to the United States for implanting in the mother, at about half the domestic price for the procedure.

Totally Hapless: (1) Matthew John Wyman, told to recite the alphabet at a roadside DUI stop in West Roxbury, Mass., in November, asked the officer if he could please substitute a math problem instead (Answer: No). (2) Frank Traina's attempted armed robbery of a Chinese restaurant in Levittown, N.Y., in December went awry when the owner realized that Traina's realistic-looking gun was leaking water from the barrel. (3) In December, Auckland, New Zealand, police arrested the man who had robbed a bank but then, disappointed at the size of the loot, had telephoned the bank manager and ordered him to stand out front with more money, which he would grab on a drive-by. (The robber never showed up, but police traced the phone call.)

(1) Latest lame reason for not paying taxes: James Clifford Hanna, of Canada's Yukon Territory, argued in court in February that "James Clifford Hanna" was merely a name involuntarily given to him and that since he never officially accepted it, he can't be forced to pay James Clifford Hanna's taxes. (He lost.) (2) In December, Terry Dresdow of Milwaukee became the latest person to have his car stolen and retrofitted by the thief with fancy equipment, and then to get his car back after the thief was caught. His 1989 Chevrolet Caprice, which cost him $1,200 used, now has a top-of-the-line stereo system, deluxe spoked wheels and keyless entry.

(1) While camping in California's Mojave Desert, artist Trevor Corneliusien, 26, chained his own ankles together in order to draw an image of his legs, but when he finished, he realized he did not have the key to unlock the chain. He told sheriff's deputies that he hopped around the desert for 12 hours before arriving at a gas station, where he called for help (January). (2) Convicted methamphetamine user Daniel Zeiszler, 22, burned his hand and arm last year in a South San Francisco hotel room attempting to extract meth from his own urine in a crude recycling attempt. At his sentencing in December (at which he got five months in jail), his lawyer acknowledged that it would take "gallons" of urine to extract a usable amount of meth, rather than the one bladderful Zeiszler was working with.

-- It's All About Meeee! (1) Prominent interior designer June Matheson, 72, pleaded guilty in January to poisoning several majestic trees bordering Stanley Park in Vancouver, British Columbia, just so they would no longer obstruct her view of the Pacific Ocean (and to enhance the value of her home, which she was preparing to sell). (2) In Media, Pa., Colleen Lacombe, 34, was sentenced in December to two years' house arrest for embezzling $325,000 from the First Church of Lansdowne, whose charity and repair-fund money she used to buy a second home and to get breast implants. (With the help of relatives, she made full restitution to the church.)

-- Professors at England's University of Bath, studying adolescents' reactions to brand names, revealed in December an astonishing level of hatred and violence toward Barbie dolls. Many instances were reported of torture and mutilation of Barbie, including scalping, decapitation, burning and even microwaving.

An 81-year-old school crossing guard was accidentally struck and killed by a 70-year-old crossing guard who was driving to his own post (Park Ridge, N.J., October). And a 62-year-old woman was found dead, having apparently suffocated under a pile of debris that fell on top of her in her home (Shelton, Wash., January). (Clothes and trash were piled almost to the ceiling in every room in her house, and rescuers searched the home for 10 hours before locating her body.)

(Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679 or WeirdNewsTips@yahoo.com or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com.)