With the following examples of criminal stupidity, News of the Weird reinaugurates its association with the "Cops" folks and brings you a special weekly selection of stories (almost none of which you will find in the regular News of the Weird) to prove once again that "the best and the brightest" people go into something besides crime. Visit us here each week, catch up with the archives, and, by all means, tip us off to stories in your town that we ought to share with readers. (However, News of the Weird uses only stories that have appeared in the newspaper or on newspaper Web sites.)

Our theme this week is an old favorite with brand-new examples: If you've committed a crime and are on the run, common sense would tell you to be extra-careful not to do anything that might call attention to yourself. Well, so much for common sense. Here's what has happened recently:

-- It's not that Michael Nembhard, 28, should have felt eager to get arrested because he knew a jury would love him. After all, he is suspected of killing a teenage boy and has numerous drug charges hanging over his head. But he took off from Delaware (where he had been picked up for the murder) and was hiding out in Canada. He was on the U.S. Marshals' most-wanted list and had been featured on "America's Most Wanted." On Nov. 27, he was arrested at a rooming house in Toronto when another resident called police after Nembhard had gotten into a fight over ownership of a bag of macaroni.

[National Post, 11-30-99]

-- According to police in Albuquerque, Lowell Jones, 36, had attempted to rob clerk Bud Brinkerhoff at the Sahara Motel on June 26, but ran into equipment problems (Jones had a butcher knife, Brinkerhoff had a handgun) and fled. Brinkerhoff summoned police but was not able to absolutely identify Jones, and it looked like the case would evaporate for lack of good evidence. The next day, however, Jones telephoned to thank Brinkerhoff for not giving him up. Newly motivated, the police questioned Jones until he confessed to the robbery. Said Det. Greg Robertson, "He'd have probably gotten away clean if he hadn't made that phone call."

[Albuquerque Journal, 7-15-99]

-- Robert Lee Leach Jr., 37, wanted for the July 8 murders of two people in Nashville, Tenn., fled the state but was arrested a week later at the Friendly Tavern in Greenville, Mo. Local police had seen the stolen pickup Leach was driving, and when they walked in to the bar, Leach (an aspiring country singer who billed himself as "the next Garth Brooks") was easily spotted, as he had just stepped onstage to sing "Amazing Grace."

[The Tennessean, 7- 14-99, 7-15-99]

-- Another Tennessee man, Winston Swaggerty, 32, had an outstanding arrest warrant (failure to appear in court on a theft charge), but that didn't stop him from proceeding with his wedding, which the happy couple had decided should take place Sept. 8 on the lawn of the Newport, Tenn., courthouse. A deputy sheriff walking to work recognized the groom, handcuffed him, and led him upstairs to a cell. Said the deputy, "She (the bride) was really upset."

[Associated Press, 9-13-99]

-- Milwaukee landlord John Cammarata felt strongly about the way the building code inspector's office was being run, so he applied for the job himself. People in the office were surprised Cammarata would take the time to apply, since he himself was the subject of four arrest warrants for building code violations. When he showed up for his interview on Oct. 7, the warrants were served. (After his court appearance, he walked back to the inspector's office and asked once again if he could apply for the job, but was told no. Said one official, code inspectors must be persistent and show a lot of common sense, so Cammarata, she said, is only 50 percent qualified.)

[Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, 10- 9-99]

(Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, Fla. 33679 or Weird@compuserve.com, or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com/.)

-- In January, Recanati, Italy (population 20,000), enacted animal rights regulations that are among the world's toughest, including requiring people to respect domestic animals' need to socialize with their own breed and for their "legitimate sexual needs." Also, pets' living quarters must be at least 9.6 square yards, lighted, ventilated, and kept at a comfortable temperature.

-- Because jellyfish genes contain a protein that turns green, scientists have used them frequently in recent years in genetic modification work, including the protein's introduction into a potato to enable the spud to glow when it needs water (Scottish Agricultural College, June) and its proposed introduction into a Douglas spruce to create Christmas trees with glowing needles (Hertfordshire University, England, October). A similar process can be done with firefly genes, which was proposed for the Douglas spruce project and is also now being done with zebrafish in order to produce organisms that light up when they detect certain water pollutants (University of Cincinnati, December).

-- The 287-gun collection of legally blind Philadelphia psychiatrist John Ingui was briefly confiscated by police in August after his landlord discovered the arsenal on a visit to collect overdue rent. Federal officials said Ingui's 60 assault rifles, 150 semiautomatic pistols and 50,000 rounds of ammunition were properly registered and returned them to him.

-- Connersville, Ind. (population 15,500; tooth decay rate 20 percent higher than the state average), is by far the largest town in the state not to have fluoridated water, but the new city council elected in November is expected to change that. Until now, anti-fluoride activists had scared the town with claims that "fluoride" was really disguised toxic wastes that the federal government needed to discard and that if it got into Connersville's water supply, it would kill townspeople's brain cells.

-- Despite his criminal record (rape), his failure to pay income tax and his bizarre testimony, former world heavyweight boxing champion Trevor Berbick won his deportation hearing in Toronto in December and can remain in Canada for at least five more years. At the hearing, Berbick insisted that his criminal record was the result of a conspiracy masterminded by boxer Larry Holmes and that he lost his title to Mike Tyson only because someone pumped gas into his hotel room before the fight. At one point in the hearing, Berbick yelled out, "Power nap!" and abruptly fell asleep for a few minutes at the table.

-- In November, U.S. Customs finally decided to let in 20 tons of birdseed from Canada after having detained it in Detroit since Aug. 9 because records indicated it had been processed from industrial hemp, which is a variety of the Cannabis sativa plant from which marijuana is derived (even though hemp is notoriously nonpsychoactive and, according to an October New York Times report, the Detroit hemp had 1/2800th the potency of even the weakest marijuana).

-- In November, following legislation pushed through by the Labor Party, the seats of the 755 members of Britain's House of Lords who inherited their titles were eliminated, but the members were allowed to elect 92 among them to continue, with each candidate's "campaign" limited to a 75-word written statement. Among the platforms: Viscount Monckton of Brenchley's proposal to muzzle cats outdoors and to oppose fishing with rods, and Lord Colwyn's highlighting his experience as chairman of the Refreshment Subcommittee.

-- According to a paper leaked to reporters in September, the city of Christchurch, New Zealand, was fully prepared in the event of the Second Coming of Christ at New Year's. City Manager Mike Richardson, a fundamentalist Christian, had prepared the paper for his religious brethren, noting that the city's swimming pools could be used for mass baptisms; the newly refurbished Jade Stadium was available for saints' meetings; and the recently completed downtown Cathedral Square symbolized a defeat of Satan, who had tried to delay construction.

-- The Boston Globe reported in November that a woman recently evicted from public housing for assaulting a neighbor was temporarily put up for three nights free of charge at a four-star Boston hotel (the Back Bay, at $285 a night) and then at a Holiday Inn for two more nights (at $175 each). According to the Boston Housing Authority, use of the Back Bay was justified because local conventions had used up every other hotel room in the city.

In December, Leonard Oak, 51, was convicted of aggravated assault in St. Johnsbury, Vt., for shooting Richard Lavoie in the shoulder. According to an eyewitness, Oak and Lavoie were "playing chicken" with their rifles at Lavoie's home by firing rounds as close to each other as they could without hitting anything. After Lavoie missed Oak's head by no more than 6 inches, Oak shot out a clock in the home, which infuriated Lavoie and caused him to threaten Oak, who then shot Lavoie to show that he was not intimidated.

The Classic Middle Name (All-New): Suspected of murder (Montreal, October): Michael Wayne McGray. Charged with murder (Rocky Mount, N.C.; February 1999): Thomas Wayne Akers and (Park Hills, Mo., December) John Wayne Moore Jr. Indicted for murder (Talbot County, Md., October): Richard Wayne Spicknall. Convicted of murder (Benton, Mo., August): Michael Wayne Summers and (Appomattox County, Va.; February 1999) Brandon Wayne Hedrick. Execution Stayed (Jarratt, Va., October): murderer Michael Wayne Williams. Escaped and still at large (Calgary, Alberta, November): murderer Darryl Wayne Claughton. Escape attempt foiled (Starke, Fla., December): murderer Ronald Wayne Clark Jr.

Music Kills: Dario Bongo, 36, admitted in September that he killed Carlos San Miguel in Carlton, Minn., stabbing him 80 times, because Mr. San Miguel insufficiently appreciated the music of Stevie Ray Vaughan. And Robert Chaulk, 30, admitted in December that he stabbed to death a Bosnian refugee couple he was visiting in Winnipeg, Manitoba, because they wouldn't let him put on a Joe Cocker album.

A 36-year-old man, baby-sitting girls ages 6 and 7, was charged with tumbling them in a dryer as punishment (Toledo, Ohio). An embezzler asked a judge to give him back some of the restitution money he had paid because he was having trouble finding work (Durham, N.C.). A prison inmate, saying that he feared the New Year, sewed his eyes and lips shut with dental floss (Concord, N.H.). A 52-year-old man in Copenhagen, Denmark, inebriated and playing with toy boats in his bathtub, phoned in several "mayday" calls to a rescue agency claiming his ship was going down in the Baltic Sea. A 38-year-old man stole a Mack truck and went on a downtown car-smashing spree, blaming confusion caused by the government-implanted, satellite-activated microchip in his stomach (Tampa, Fla.).

(Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, Fla. 33679 or Weird@compuserve.com, or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com/.)

-- In December, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service ordered Maria Wigent, age 37 and a 32-year resident of New York City, deported (thus breaking up the home she shares with her husband and two teen-age sons) after her third shoplifting conviction, involving about $25 worth of items. And a December New York Times story recounted the plight of a Guatemalan-American in Virginia facing deportation this month for the single act of biting her husband ("domestic violence") during a fight.

Police in Pittsburgh identified a 31-year-old man as the person who was too lazy to lug his Christmas tree down to the street and thus simply tossed it out his sixth-floor window on Christmas Day. The tree hit a power line on the way down, knocking out electricity to about 400 customers and deadening the 911 line briefly until a backup generator kicked on.

-- From a report by psychologist N.G. Berrill, to a New York City court in November, quoting former police officer Justin Volpe on how he came to brutalize Abner Louima's rectum with a mind-of-its-own toilet plunger in the notorious 1997 assault: "I couldn't believe (that Louima didn't apologize for cussing him, Volpe said). The next thing I know, the stick was in (Louima's rectum)." Volpe continued: "I was terrified. When the stick seemed to pop in, I said to myself, 'I cannot believe this.'"

-- The president of Oklahoma City's Fraternal Order of Police told reporters in November that the six recent incidents of on-duty sexual misbehavior by officers is attributable to "stress" emanating from their anguish working in the aftermath of the 1995 bombing of the Murrah federal building.

-- Born-again Christian David Strein, 44, announced in November that he would appeal his 1998 dismissal from a New Mexico state government job for misusing his computer because he was actually powerless to stay away from Internet pornography. Strein contended that after he first discovered online porn, "Satan told me to check it out some more." Also, said Strein, once at a porn site, he was trapped on a virtually endless loop of sex sites that had taken over his computer. (The administrative law judge had ruled that Strein had visited too many sites and given them his credit-card number too many times to have been blameless.)

-- In August, an industrial tribunal in England upheld the firing of reporter Ian White, 36, who had been warned several times over the years about his bad hygiene, which he blamed on depression over his marriage. It was Britain's first such official decision after several that seemed to suggest that workmates had to tolerate diverse body odors.

-- Fireproof Workers: An arbitration panel ruled in July that Toronto Transit Commission janitor Winston Ruhle had been improperly fired and deserved about $115,000 (U.S.) in damages; he was fired in 1995 for padding his recuperation time after surgery, improperly missing 203 days during a 244-day period. And English chauffeur John Forbes, 55, won an employment tribunal ruling in September that it was unfair to fire him simply because he had twice dressed in women's clothing on the job and flashed his underwear to passing motorists.

-- In a September profile of a purgatory-like room at Tokyo's Sega Enterprises building, The Wall Street Journal described the daily activities of disfavored employee Toshiyuki Sakai during the four months between his first negative evaluation and his ultimate firing. Sakai was assigned to an empty room with a desk, chair and incoming-calls-only telephone, where he was expected to remain every day, with no assignments yet also without personal diversions. Observers cited by the Journal called Sega's room a compromise between the U.S. preference for ruthless termination and the Japanese commitment to stick with workers longer.

-- The lawyer for a former Fort Lauderdale, Fla., phone-sex worker told reporters in November that he had won a workers' compensation settlement for his client based on her claim of carpal tunnel syndrome due to masturbating on the job as much as seven times a day. Steven Slootsky said his client accepted the settlement to avoid the embarrassment of testifying, even though the money is not enough to reimburse her for the surgery she required on both hands.

Three times during the last two months of 1999, a parent passed away unexpectedly, leaving a small child alone in the house to figure out what to do next. Travis Butler, 9, Memphis, Tenn., went to school as normal for a month, trying to hide his mother's body because he feared being put in a foster home. Lydia Hanson, 7, Peabody, Mass., told her teacher the next day of her mother's death, but the teacher just shrugged, forcing the girl to spend another night caring for the body before finding a grown-up to believe her. Karina Pistorio, 4, Oklahoma City, attempted to nurse her dead father through the Christmas weekend before the police came, having been called by her father's friends concerned that he was missing. (No foul play is suspected in any of the deaths.)

When News of the Weird introduced Rev. Richard A. Rossi Jr. in December 1994, his wife had just emerged from a coma and recanted her accusation that he beat her to a pulp near their Pittsburgh home. He had repeatedly denied the charge, saying the attacker must have been someone who looked just like him, driving a car just like his. Nonetheless, he pleaded no contest to the assault and the couple moved to Long Beach, Calif., where he became pastor at the Immanuel Baptist Church. In November 1999, Rev. Rossi threatened to file slander lawsuits against Immanuel members who circulated news of Rossi's Pittsburgh background after he changed Immanuel's by-laws to free up church money for himself.

James Velez, 25, died of infections caused by his lifelong habit of violently scratching himself as if thousands of bugs were crawling over him (New York City, October). Wendy Scott, 50, died of cancer after recovering from Munchausen syndrome, in which the afflicted complain of bogus illnesses and undergo unnecessary surgeries (42, in Scott's case) (South London, England, October).

A lifeguard was rushed to intensive care after drinking from an open Coke bottle in a clubhouse refrigerator, having overlooked the label "Do not drink / Jellyfish tentacles" (Cairns, Australia). On Christmas Eve, Patricia White Bull, 42, abruptly awoke from a 16-year coma and regained most of her faculties (Albuquerque). Twelve people in a high-rise for seniors were hospitalized on Christmas Eve after a woman took Oprah Winfrey's advice and lit an "inspirational" candle, which toppled over and started a fire (Chicago). Seven noodle-making shops were closed after inspections revealed they were preserving their inventory in formaldehyde (Hanoi). Tim Book beat a DUI charge by telling a judge that he had just come from a hypnotist's show and was still in a trance when police stopped him (Bruderheim, Alberta).

(Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, Fla. 33679 or Weird@compuserve.com, or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com/.)