Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: An acquaintance of mine asked me to read a script that he had written, but I have never gotten around to reading it. It was such an awkward moment when he asked me to read it, in person in a restaurant, that I felt compelled to say yes, but then I was either too busy, uninterested or forgetful to complete the circle. I see this guy occasionally, and I know he remembers. This was something he had worked on for a very long time. I feel bad that I agreed to do something and then reneged on it. I have no idea where the script is anymore.

This happened years ago. I bring it up now because I expect to see him at a reunion of our school in a couple of weeks. Should I apologize to him for letting him down? Should I act like it never happened? What should I do? -- Unscripted, Albuquerque, New Mexico

DEAR UNSCRIPTED: It will probably mean a lot to this man for you to acknowledge that you dropped the ball. For him to know that you didn’t mean to blow him off could lessen the blow that he has felt and possibly harbored over the years. Apologize for not fulfilling your promise. Be mindful, though, not to agree to read it now -- unless you actually will. Just say that you are sorry that you flaked years ago, and ask for his forgiveness. You can also ask how his career is going and if he ended up writing scripts.

DEAR HARRIETTE: All of my friends who still have their parents are dealing with the fragility of their parents in one way or another. That includes me, by the way. It seems like every few months or so one of them dies.

I feel horrible, but I don’t always remember who is living and who has passed on. I made the mistake last year of asking about the father of one of my friends, only to be told that he had died months earlier. I was mortified. What should I say to friends if I am uncertain about their parents' mortality? -- Aging Parents, Pensacola, Florida

DEAR AGING PARENTS: Start by getting organized to the best of your ability. Make a written list of your friends and acquaintances, and write down their parents’ names and whether they are living -- to your knowledge. To verify, you may be able to check online, or ask friends who are close to them. When someone passes, make a note of it on your list. This may seem morbid, but it’s practical. It helps you to keep track of how to honor your friends and their parents. If you record the dates of the parents’ passing, you may even choose to be extra sensitive with friends on those anniversaries.

When you are unsure, be vague, and keep your questions about your friend. You can ask how the person is doing. That open-ended question often leads to a rich harvest of information. If you listen, you will likely learn the status of parents -- and many other personal facts.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have recently been promoted at my company, and I now directly manage the interns. One of the interns is consistently 10 to 15 minutes late to work. She always stays later than the other interns, but I think she should be prompt instead of making it up later. The company as a whole is relaxed about working hours, but this isn't the example I want set. -- Tick Tock, Seattle

DEAR TICK TOCK: Request a meeting with this intern to learn more about her. Ask her to tell you where she goes to school and what her plans are for the future. Ask her where she lives and if she knows the city well. Tell her you have noticed that she comes to work late every day. She may tell you about a difficult commute. She may say she comes late and works late. Or she may point out that time seems to be flexible at the office.

This is where you can come in with your experience and recommendations. Based on what you know about growing a professional career, point out to her that people who come to work early and who stay late are often the ones who get noticed and promoted in a work environment. Arriving at work late, even in a relaxed office, may be sending a message that is unintentional. Suggest that she treat this internship as if she were making a million dollars a year. What time would she show up to work then? What might she do differently? Suggest that she approach this job and every opportunity as if it were the most important work before her. In this way, she will learn more, earn more and excel.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently started a new job and really want to make the best impression possible. The office is very close, and I still feel like the new guy after a few months. I have noticed that many of the employees go out after work for drinks or are interwoven in each other’s lives in one way or another. I’m not trying to be besties with anybody, but I do want to fit in. Should I try to organize an event after work so I'll be invited to one? All of my other post-work invitations must have been lost in the mail. -- Include Me, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR INCLUDE ME: Before organizing an event, consider your co-workers, and think about individuals with whom you may share some common interests. It might be better to invite one or two co-workers to go out after work for drinks before trying to host a big event. As you slowly build bonds with the people on the job, they may naturally choose to invite you to different events they are having. Or you may have to slowly develop your own core group of work friends. It’s best not to force the situation. Instead, grow relationships one by one.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently texted with my former boss because I found an old picture of her with some former colleagues and thought she would like to have it. Her response was immediate, but it included a curse word. I was surprised because she doesn’t curse, but I didn’t think much of it. She wrote back immediately apologizing and saying she couldn’t believe that a swear word had been sent by her. She quickly figured out that she had mistyped. She was so embarrassed. Even though I assured her it was no big deal, it really bothered her. Was there more that I should have said? -- Awkward Exchange, Atlanta

DEAR AWKWARD EXCHANGE: I understand why your former boss would have been dismayed. Sadly, between the tiny size of the keyboard on people’s phones and the autocorrect feature that often incorrectly assumes what you are trying to say, many texts end up with weird language that either defies logic or can be insensitive. Neutralizing it in the moment is the best solution.

I suppose my best advice for you and everyone else who texts is to pause and read over whatever you have written before you press send, as too often the brain of the computer or the clumsiness of your fingers could have written something very different than what you thought you wrote.

You accepted her apology; there was nothing more for you to do.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been married for a long time -- nearly 20 years. Things have gone up and down over the years, but I realize now that I have not been a very good wife. As I think about it, I would say that I have been pretty selfish, not wanting to fit into any type of a stereotypical role. I didn’t start to cook until after my son was born, many years into our marriage. I hate to clean. I work more than anything, and I haven’t always been kind. I have been having nightmares recently, remembering some of my past behaviors toward my husband where I blamed him for everything, but now I wonder. I know now that I am equally to blame, if not more, because I have been so stubborn.

I don’t know what to do to make up for lost time, but I see now that I want to apologize to my husband for not being the best wife and to work harder from now on to be a better partner. I don’t mean I’m trying to go back to the '50s -- I just want to be better. -- Bad Wife, Philadelphia

DEAR BAD WIFE: You know the saying “actions speak louder than words”? I recommend that you begin to do the things that you believe will nourish your marriage. Choose to come home from work earlier whenever you can. Cook meals that your husband will appreciate. Expend more effort on tidying your home. You can also directly apologize to your husband for being selfish over the years, and pledge that you will be a more supportive partner as the days unfold.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)