DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that my little cousin is gay. He called me the other day to tell me, and he also said that he hasn't told his parents. He is 20, and he just now figured it out. He has had girlfriends here and there, but this year he fell for a man and realized this is what he wants. He said he felt comfortable telling me because he knows I won't judge him, but he is scared silly to tell his parents -- they can be very judgmental. He asked me not to tell them. He also asked me for advice on what he should do now. I really don't know. I want him to be happy, but I can't tell him how to live his life. What advice can I give him so he can feel settled? -- Supportive Cousin, New York City

DEAR SUPPORTIVE COUSIN: You can start by thanking your cousin for telling you about his life and for trusting you. You can tell him that you can imagine how difficult it must be to be dealing with his feelings and sorting through his understanding of his sexual identity. Recommend that he get counseling support from a professional who should have much deeper insights into how to manage talking to his family when it is time. Visit community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=536 for more information.

Stay in touch with your cousin as he grows into adulthood. And definitely keep his confidence. When he is ready, he is the one who should share his story with others.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I met two young men who were very well-dressed. As we passed each other on the street, we said hello. Then one of them asked if we could speak for a moment. That's when I noticed the cigarette in his hand. He went to shake my hand by transferring the cigarette from one hand to the next. Then he extended his hand. For a moment, I wasn't sure what to do. I did not want to shake that smoky hand, but I also didn't want to be rude. I shook his hand, but I was a bit miffed, so I asked him why he was smoking. I know that I hadn't met him before, but he looked like a smart, fashionable young guy. I couldn't figure out why he would put himself at risk like that. He just shrugged his shoulders and kept chatting. Am I wrong to ask that question? And more, do I have to shake someone's hand that just held a cigarette? -- Up in Smoke, Dallas

DEAR UP IN SMOKE: First of all, while it is common practice to shake hands when you meet someone, you can refuse to extend your hand if someone had a cigarette in it moments before. Know that it will seem awkward and you probably will have to explain your action.

Second, understand that smoking is highly addictive. Many people try it because it seems cool -- even today -- and they get hooked quickly. Good for you that you asked the young man why he was smoking. It is possible that you could have gotten him to reconsider this action. But if he is hooked, it will take a whole lot more than a compassionate observer for him to turn the corner.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My children are all using smartphones, and they bought me one, too. They send me pictures of their children through the phone, and it's just marvelous. I love it. I do miss handwritten notes, though. I would love for them to encourage their children to write to me. I love having those notes to read and reread. Plus, it teaches the children how to write. I'm afraid if I suggest it, they may be offended. What can I do? I don't want to seem ungrateful for what they are doing. -- Grandma Love, Washington, D.C.

DEAR GRANDMA LOVE: It is wonderful that you are receiving regular communications from your children and grandchildren and that you are open to new ways of engaging them. It is also perfectly understandable that you are longing for a good old-fashioned letter. Rather than imploring your children to get their children to write to you, try another strategy. Write directly to your grandchildren. Write to each one individually, sharing a bit of news that you think they may find of interest. Enclose a little trinket or magazine clipping or some other memento that you think they would appreciate. At gift times, consider giving them personalized stationery. This may prove an incentive for them to write. You can even tell them that you wish they would write to you from time to time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been cleaning out my closet, putting away the summer clothes and pulling out the fall and winter stuff. I realize that my family and I have way too much stuff, especially clothing. We need to get rid of some of it. Some things are in great shape, so I don't want to just throw them away. I have friends who might appreciate some of the items for themselves and others for their children, but I don't want to be presumptuous. We live in an apartment building, so we can't hold a yard sale. How can we go about offering clothes to people we know without offending them? -- Wanting to Share, Pittsburgh

DEAR WANTING TO SHARE: Divide your clothing into bundles for the various people you have in mind. Then contact the people and tell them that you were going through your clothing and found some things you think they will like. Ask if they would like to see them. Tell them if they don't want the items, it's no problem. They can give them to someone else or give them back to you.

You can also consider hosting a gathering at your home where you invite people to come who may be interested in the items you want to get rid of. With a few refreshments, you can make it a lovely social event. You can give away your clothes or sell them at a low price.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband has been unemployed for about six months now. He is depressed since he is not able to pay the household bills as he normally does. I have taken it upon myself to see if I can help my husband find employment. Do you think I am overstepping my boundaries? -- Caring Wife, New York City

DEAR CARING WIFE: It is a kind and thoughtful gesture to try to get work for your husband. Men often take it particularly hard when they lose their jobs and have families for whom they are responsible. Depression is often a side effect of unemployment.

Your husband needs your encouragement and love. What you may want to do is tell him if you hear of any job leads here and there. Be mindful of setting him up for a position that he may not want to accept. Sometimes when people do the legwork for others, it can backfire.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I graduated from high school this past summer, and I went out of state to go to college. My school is eight hours away from my friends and family. I am extremely close to them, so it seems like they are on another planet, it's so far. I am having a hard time adjusting to the university life because it seems like people are moving much faster than me. Can you help me develop a way I can enjoy my college experience? -- Off to College, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR OFF TO COLLEGE: It takes a while to get accustomed to living away from home, meeting new people and feeling at ease. When I first went away to college, I visited home several times a year because I was homesick. Over time, I became more at ease at school. I made friends, and I began to feel like I was where I was supposed to be.

Give yourself time to find a space of comfort. Meanwhile, use technology to your advantage. Keep in touch with your family and friends at home via phone, text and Skype.

As far as the pace of college life at your school, you do not have to move at that fast pace for everything. Yes, you have to keep up with your studies. But as far as social life is concerned, be sure to pick and choose what works for you. Prioritize your activities based on your interests. Be clear that you do not have to be involved in everything that your friends are doing. Choose your engagements based on your personal interests and goals. Talk to your guidance counselor to learn about what clubs and activities are on campus. Work with your counselor to determine which ones resonate for you.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)