life

Teen Wants to Stay in Contact With Teacher

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 16th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a 17-year-old high school student, and my favorite teacher is going to Tennessee to start a new school. I am going to miss him because he is funny and charismatic. We have an average student-teacher relationship, but I still would like to stay in contact with him and see how he is doing. Is there a way I can communicate with my favorite teacher to show him that I miss him and not get in trouble in the process? -- Missing My Mentor, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR MISSING MY MENTOR: There should be no reason for you to get in trouble for simply wanting to stay in touch with a former teacher. If you truly value him as a mentor, reach out to him and say as much. Tell him that you would like to stay in touch: You want to learn about his new school, and you would like to be able to share with him what your experiences are as you finish high school and go to college.

Be clear about your intentions before you reach out to him, though. Establishing a mentor-mentee relationship can be wonderful if both parties agree to it. If you want this teacher's ongoing input in your life, you can gently ask and see if he shares your interest.

Friends & NeighborsTeens
life

Dad Doesn't Want To Help Son Buy Presents For Ex

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 16th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-wife and I have been divorced for five years, and she has since remarried. We have a 13-year-old son from our former union. My son wants me to help purchase gifts for his mother for her birthday, Mother's Day and Christmas. I have asked my son if he talks to his stepfather about this, and he says no. I feel it is not my duty to do this, and I believe her current husband should be responsible for this task. I am not comfortable with giving my ex-wife any "special" gifts. What should I tell my son when he sees no gifts from his dad? -- Under New Management, Salt Lake City

DEAR UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT: It does not sound like your son is asking you to help him purchase a gift that would be from him and either his stepfather or from you. If he is asking for your input to help learn how to buy gifts for his mother from him, that is a completely different story. Sure, it would be great if he could cultivate that type of relationship with his stepfather, and that may happen over time. You can even recommend that he ask his stepfather to serve in that capacity.

If the stepfather does not agree or your son is not ready to make such a request, I think it is fine for you to teach your child how to be a thoughtful gift giver. Help him select gifts that would be appropriate for him to give his mother. The gifts should not reflect memories from your past or anything else that indicates your hand in the selection process. Instead, make the experience of helping your son a way for you to guide him in the art of thoughtfulness.

Etiquette & EthicsMarriage & Divorce
life

Teen Daughter Being Bullied

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 15th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 16-year-old daughter has been going to school with the same kids since kindergarten, but has recently informed me how some of her peers are bullying her. They are incredibly rude to her, physically push her in the hallways and constantly make fun of her. She tries to play off the situation in a mature way and says it does not bother her. However, whenever she comes home from school, she looks upset. She has made friends from other schools now and is spending more time with them, but she still has to see the mean kids at her school. I know I need to help her. What should I do? -- Protecting My Child, Denver

DEAR PROTECTING MY CHILD: Tell your daughter that you want to help her through this difficult situation. Ask her to tell you about as many different scenarios as she can recall where she has been bullied. Get her to name names, dates, locations and times to the best of her ability. Tell her you want to speak to her school's authorities about the other students' behavior. Ask if she would like to join you in the conversation. The reason you want to let her know up front is that you do not want to risk embarrassing her unnecessarily by having her learn that you are advocating on her behalf without her knowledge.

Whether she agrees to go or not, schedule a meeting with the principal and explain what has been happening. Bring the list you made with your daughter, and describe the various incidents with the principal. Ask for support. You want these children to stop harassing your daughter, and if the school authorities will not help you, the next stop may be the police department.

Friends & NeighborsHealth & SafetyTeens
life

Visiting Nephew Is A Slob

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 15th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My nephew is coming to stay with my family for a couple of months, and I want to make sure that we have a comfortable experience. I already know that he is somewhat of a slob. (I have seen his room at home and know that his parents struggle with him to keep it clean.) I want to set house rules for when he is with us, and at the same time, I don't want to come off like a drill sergeant. What should I do? -- Inspiring Tidiness, Atlanta

DEAR INSPIRING TIDINESS: When your nephew arrives, welcome him warmly. Show him his room. Let him get comfortable, and then invite him to join you for a family meeting. Tell him the lay of the land, including what spaces are common areas, which are off-limits and what his chores will be. Clarify how you like your house to be tended, and what you expect his role to be in honoring that. Talk to him about how you expect him to keep his room and make it clear that you will check. Since he is not neat, you may want to allow him a little leeway in that private space -- as long as he keeps the rest of your home tidy. Get him to agree to your terms. If you find him slipping, tell him right away. Being proactive will prevent unnecessary drama later.

Etiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Funeral Selfie Baffles Relative

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 14th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I attended the recent funeral of a family member, and I saw my cousin walk up to the open casket. She took a "selfie" and began taking photos of the deceased. I felt it was in poor taste on my cousin's part to do such a thing. Am I wrong for thinking that it is not appropriate to take a picture during a funeral service, or is it a touching way to remember the deceased? I need help with this one. -- Do You See Me?, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR DO YOU SEE ME: In this day and age of cellphone cameras and selfies, it is all too common for people to take pictures of themselves everywhere, including at funerals. Does that make it right? No. But again, it is no longer an uncommon occurrence. Taking pictures of deceased loved ones is not a new trend, however. Many people have made the choice to photograph their loved ones in the casket to save for personal reasons.

My recommendation for anyone considering taking pictures at wakes or funerals when the deceased is on view is to operate with the highest level of discretion. People grieve in a variety of ways. It is important to remain sensitive to those around you. To honor the deceased is to keep such picture-taking to a minimum. And for sure, you should not post them on social media. That would be in poor taste.

DeathFamily & ParentingEtiquette & Ethics
life

Political Conversations Ruin Dinner

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 14th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to dinner with longtime friends whose political views are different from mine. I believe in the rule that you should not talk about politics in a public setting. That was not the case in this situation. The conversation turned political and voices were raised, and I stood up to end the conversation. Now we have hurt feelings with the parties involved. I know my actions were extreme, but things were totally out of control, and I was upset. How do I deal with this if I am invited to future events? -- Agree to Disagree, Chicago

DEAR AGREE TO DISAGREE: As you know, not everybody shares your view about when to talk politics. Doing so at a dinner party may not be the best time, primarily because it can be hard to enoy the food if you are in a heated discussion. Shy of that, though, it could be wise to spar over different ideologies provided that those speaking have knowledge of the facts of the conversation and are not just toeing the party line.

Standing up to the end the conversation is curious. Was there a host? What was that person doing? Why did you feel the need to designate yourself as the controller of the situation? Trying to defuse a bomb of any kind, including a political conversation, can become more incendiary than the original bomb itself.

In the future, if you choose to be in a mixed group where folks have opposing views, be prepared to speak calmly about your beliefs and be sure to have supporting evidence. Do not try to incite anyone's emotions and do not act like the host if you are not, unless you fear violence. Otherwise, go with the flow.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors

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