Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, my friend has been putting off his work and other obligations to spend time with his friends. When he started to spend more time with these people, he started developing their habits. These friends are a very bad influence on him because they got him involved with drugs and alcohol. Ever since he started spending time with these people and doing drugs, he has changed. He doesn't want to do anything besides sleep, eat or do drugs. I've tried to tell him to stop, but he won't listen. What is the best way to tell him that he is really harming himself? -- Losing a Friend, Los Angeles

DEAR LOSING A FRIEND: When people get caught up in drugs and alcohol, it is highly unlikely that they can see clearly to a rational point of view, even if it comes from a close friend. Addiction has a nasty way of clouding one's vision. Your friend may be lost to you right now as he falls deeper into the clutches of bad influences and substances.

That said, you do not have to give up on him. If you can find a sober moment when you can get together with him, do so. During that time, tell him that you are worried about him and his current behavior. Tell him you fear he will lose his job and his life if he continues down this current path. Remind him that you love him and want him to have a good life. Ask him if he would accept help. If so, point him to Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous as initial free options for help.

Second to a one-on-one encounter, write your friend a letter that expresses your concern for him and your prayer that he will be able to rise above this current quagmire.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father is always late, especially when he has to take me somewhere. I have to go to the same places every day at the same time, and he will still end up getting me there 15 or 20 minutes late. I can't drive myself yet, and it annoys me so much! Is there a way to convey to him that he consistently makes me late and I'm sick of it -- without being rude? -- Bummed-Out Son, Detroit

DEAR BUMMED-OUT SON: You need to be strategic here. Remind your father of any rules he may have taught you thus far about being responsible. Tell him you want to grow up to be responsible, and you are certain that this includes being either on time or early for appointments. Tell him you are worried that you are giving off the wrong impression when you are consistently late.

Ask him if he would be willing to get you to your appointments early so that you can practice being responsible. This may inspire him to step up. If not, ask your teachers or adults to contact him and complain about your lateness. Sometimes, getting a reality check from another adult will either shame or inspire someone into doing the right thing.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently I was sub-tweeted -- someone tweeted something negative about me on Twitter, but did not tweet at me directly -- by several of my acquaintances. I took the time to call them out on it and respond to the rude things they were saying, for example, calling me a disgrace to my race. Should I have pretended I didn't see what they were saying, or was I right to defend myself? -- Tweet Snubbed, New York City

DEAR TWEET SNUBBED: In the world of social media, so much information is swirling about that it can be hard to keep track of it. If someone badmouths you, you absolutely have the right to speak up for yourself, whether the insult came directly or via sub-tweet.

That said, you have to weigh when it's best to stand up for yourself and when it might be better to say nothing or say it in person. Make your decision on a case-by-case basis. If something is flagrantly off base, you can also contact the social media provider to ask for the comment to be removed from their site.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage son wants to wear tight jeans, and I do not think he should. He is 5 feet 11 inches tall and has an athletic build; I like the way he currently dresses because his clothes fit him in a nice way. His clothes are not tight, and he looks like a well-groomed young man. My son is feeling pressure from his friends, and he wants to fit in. I am not planning to spend my money on a fashion trend that does not make any sense. I do not want him to buckle under pressure. I want to tell him that his wardrobe is perfectly OK and he should not not worry about his friends making fun of him. -- Peer Pressure, Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR PEER PRESSURE: My first thought was that you are lucky he isn't trying to wear his pants falling below his underwear! That is one of the most curious trends around for young men these days, and I find it deplorable.

But that wasn't your question. You are talking about tight jeans, another common trend. What if you suggested a happy medium? Tell your son that he can go to the store and try on some of the slimmer cut jeans to find a pair that might be tighter than what he currently wears but that remains respectable looking.

Offer to take him shopping -- just the two of you. Do this if you think you can be neutral enough to let him try on options and select a pair of jeans that looks fashionable without being too tight. While he may be embarrassed, he will probably go for it if this shopping trip is his only ticket to getting the jeans he wants. The fact that he asked you about buying the jeans rather than just getting them himself shows that he respects you. Give him a little leeway to show that you respect him, too.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A month ago, my girlfriend told me that she wanted me to attend an important event of hers at 4 p.m. one day. I took off the second half of my workday in anticipation. However, the night before her event, she informed me that it was actually at 10 a.m. I was able to switch so I could get the morning off instead of the afternoon without a problem. But the next day, my girlfriend had the nerve to be mad at me for not taking the whole day off to spend time with her family. I told her that she had no right to expect me to do that, especially after dropping a different time on me at the last minute. Was I right? -- Unappreciated, Denver

DEAR UNAPPRECIATED: You and your girlfriend did not have a complete communication about her event. As a result, you both have hard feelings, and your schedule got turned inside out. In the best of worlds, she would have told you the scope of the event and her preferred intentions for your involvement in it. She also absolutely should have kept you up to date on time changes.

Given that this event included her family, it is understandable that she wanted you to be a part of the entire event, but given that she didn't give you the parameters, you should not be expected to be a mind reader.

You two need to have a sit-down where you talk about the event. Explain that you did not have a full understanding of the event, her desire for your participation, the final timing or her family's involvement. Tell your girlfriend that you did your best to be there for her based upon the information she shared with you. Had she wanted you to take off the whole day, you needed her to make that request in advance. Apologize for not being as present as she desired, but that in order for that to happen, the two of you need to be more specific in your communication.

This is not a question of right or wrong. Instead, it is an issue of clarity in a relationship. Let go of your anger and work with your girlfriend to do a better job of being on the same page.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last week I was cleaning up my apartment, and I came across my old wedding album. I took a few minutes out of my cleaning schedule to reflect on that special day. I am no longer married to my wife, and I am not too sure what should I do with the album. Should I keep the album, or do I call my ex and have her pick it up? -- A Faded Memory, Bronx, New York

DEAR A FADED MEMORY: Some people save their old wedding albums even after divorce as part of their personal history. You did marry this woman, after all, so she is a part of your personal narrative.

If it makes you uncomfortable to have it in your possession, you should destroy it and then discard it. There is no reason to send it to your ex-wife. That relationship has ended. Sending it to her would suggest that you intend to reignite an old conversation.