DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work in a fast-food restaurant, in which we only go by our first names.

Often, when customers decide that I am the cause of whatever is not going their way, they ask me for my name. My first name is clearly spelled out on my name tag, but I always say it for them anyway, as it is difficult to pronounce. It is an unusual name, and no one else in the store has it.

However, they also often ask for my last name, which I decline to give them. I don’t feel that it is any of their business. I just politely tell them that I don’t give out my last name. Often, they take this as rudeness on my part.

Am I in the wrong?

GENTLE READER: The reason stores use first names -- or first names and last initials -- on name tags is to balance two reasonable, but competing, requirements.

A customer is entitled to lodge a legitimate complaint through normal channels about inadequate performance by a salesperson. So the tag has to give enough information to uniquely identify the alleged offender.

But the salesperson also has to be protected against illegitimate complaints or unwarranted approaches outside of normal channels. This is why name tags do not include a full name, which could be used to look up and harass the salesperson away from the store.

From your letter's calm tone, Miss Manners likes to think that it is the complainant who is being unreasonable. But she nevertheless suggests you give this answer: “I am sorry that you are dissatisfied, but you do not need my last name to identify me to management. If you want to lodge a formal complaint against me, just give my first name and the time of my shift. I assure you that they will know how to find me.”

This response appeals to Miss Manners both for its politeness and because it calls out the customer's attempt to intimidate.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While I have many friends, I enjoy traveling and dining by myself on occasion. When I ask for a table for one, the response is usually, “Are you all by yourself?” Or, “Are you waiting for someone?”

Then I am offered a seat at the bar, or a table near the restroom or kitchen door, which I decline. Once seated, it’s the same: “Is it just you?” Or, “Do you want to wait for someone before ordering?”

Is there a polite response to this, other than saying, “I’m all alone; isn’t that sad and pathetic?”

GENTLE READER: As the recipient of Gentle Readers’ mail, Miss Manners is all too aware of the deluge of rudeness in the modern world. But the transgressions of waitstaff -- who live in hope of generous tips -- usually take the form of ill-judged humor, not intentional put-downs.

The subtext you infer is most likely not intended to suggest that you are unpopular, but only to know the size of your party. This merits nothing more than saying you prefer a table elsewhere, and noting when you are ready to place your order.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: People want to feel loved and cherished. An invitation to share a meal in your home is a special example. So when dinner guests ask me what they can bring, I tell them something specific: “Oh, I would love some pink peonies. Those would be so beautiful.” Or I might request a bottle of maple syrup, or a recipe card for the wonderful cookies the guest baked on a previous visit.

Offering these suggestions lets your friends love you back.

GENTLE READER: Please do not make the idea of bringing something -- or, as it is now phrased, "not showing up empty-handed" -- more of a chore than it already is.

Miss Manners pictures your guests, looking forward to a pleasant evening with you, being confronted with your suggestions.

“Pink peonies?” they say in despair. “Where in the world are we supposed to find those? Even if there’s a florist open, they’re not likely to have those on hand." Or: "Maple syrup? We could stop at the grocery store on the way, but they probably expect some kind of gourmet version." Or: "What cookie recipe? Maybe they're thinking of those cookies that Aunt Lucy sent us, and I didn’t correct their assumption that I’d baked them. How do I know what the recipe was?"

Miss Manners would not describe this as making someone feel loved.

It is not the job of hosts to dictate any presents the guests may bring. And bringing something is not an easy job for the guests. Many used to bring flowers or chocolates, but would now risk running into allergies and diets, so they bring wine instead -- to the annoyance of hosts who do not drink.

Miss Manners only wishes everyone would calm down. A token present is fine, but the real show of appreciation from a guest is responding to the invitation immediately, engaging other guests in friendly conversation, thanking the host and reciprocating soon.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, our son married his longtime girlfriend in a lovely ceremony followed by a large reception.

This year, they’re planning an even bigger party. This next party is somehow about their wedding -- but we already had the wedding!

I’m finding it difficult to be enthusiastic about attending a party when I don’t know what I’m celebrating. To have a second celebration seems to make the first one less meaningful.

Of course I can decline with a simple "no, thank you," but I would like to hear your comments.

GENTLE READER: Would you feel better if they called it an anniversary party?

In today’s casual world, it puzzles Miss Manners that people seem to think a wedding is the only formal event they are entitled to throw or attend -- unless they are up for an entertainment award.

People crave a bit of formality, if only for a rare change from near-universal grunge. Thus the urge to have multiple weddings -- if not multiple marriages.

Boycotting this event would be a hostile move. Are you not in a position to have a gentle conversation with the couple, in which you support their idea but discuss modifying it? Calling it an anniversary party would make it their first big attempt at entertaining, instead of a wedding rerun.

Then again, perhaps they should not call it that. Surely they don’t want their friends thinking, “Do we have to give them presents AGAIN?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My adult daughters learned etiquette from me. It was passed down from my mother. Somewhere along the line, the old etiquette has been forgotten and new manners have been invented by their husbands.

Examples of the new etiquette are:

-- Arms on the table.

-- One foot on the chair with the knee sticking up over the table.

-- Aggressive jabbing at one's food.

-- Resting the silverware handles on the table with the spoon or fork turned over on the plate.

-- Eating before everyone sits down.

-- When cutting food, holding the meat with the fork in an awkward vertical position.

Can you please help me? I am very offended, but am afraid to speak.

I forgot the most important part: The new etiquette has been adopted by my grandchildren, who are now teenagers. I am so sad to see them lack basic decency.

GENTLE READER: What do you mean, “The New Etiquette”?

Do you believe that if enough people do something wrong, that makes it right? Is shoplifting legal if enough people start doing it?

Miss Manners is at least relieved that your family’s transgressions are limited to eating sloppily, which doesn’t harm others. It could reflect badly on them, but not if everyone else they know eats the same way.

And, as we both know, despite Miss Manners’ having pounced on you for the way you phrased it, many do.

So she advises you to give up on the adults. You had your chance, they know better, and may still be able to do better if they encounter situations where they are afraid of making a bad impression.

You might still influence your grandchildren, however. Generally speaking, making a bad impression is a more frequent concern among teenagers than adults. It just never occurs to them that a bad impression might be formed from their table manners, mostly because their peers are likely to eat the same way they do.

There are ample situations where your grandchildren may want to impress adults: college interviews, job interviews or dining with the parents of a crush, for instance. These may not be immediate possibilities -- applicants for summer jobs are not often vetted over lunch -- but might occur in the near future.

Your grandchildren are unaware of the rules -- and of the advantages that knowing them can provide. The tactful way to teach them requires refraining from criticizing their parents, which will be a struggle. Simply invite them to a nice dinner, mention those anxiety-producing situations, and then offer to teach them the code.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have received an envelope with a note on the bottom that says “hand delivered.” It will be handled the same way as any other piece of mail that comes into my hands.

Am I within range of having good manners?

GENTLE READER: Congratulations on treating all envelopes with equal respect. But Miss Manners would have to know how you treat people.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)