DEAR MISS MANNERS: People want to feel loved and cherished. An invitation to share a meal in your home is a special example. So when dinner guests ask me what they can bring, I tell them something specific: “Oh, I would love some pink peonies. Those would be so beautiful.” Or I might request a bottle of maple syrup, or a recipe card for the wonderful cookies the guest baked on a previous visit.

Offering these suggestions lets your friends love you back.

GENTLE READER: Please do not make the idea of bringing something -- or, as it is now phrased, "not showing up empty-handed" -- more of a chore than it already is.

Miss Manners pictures your guests, looking forward to a pleasant evening with you, being confronted with your suggestions.

“Pink peonies?” they say in despair. “Where in the world are we supposed to find those? Even if there’s a florist open, they’re not likely to have those on hand." Or: "Maple syrup? We could stop at the grocery store on the way, but they probably expect some kind of gourmet version." Or: "What cookie recipe? Maybe they're thinking of those cookies that Aunt Lucy sent us, and I didn’t correct their assumption that I’d baked them. How do I know what the recipe was?"

Miss Manners would not describe this as making someone feel loved.

It is not the job of hosts to dictate any presents the guests may bring. And bringing something is not an easy job for the guests. Many used to bring flowers or chocolates, but would now risk running into allergies and diets, so they bring wine instead -- to the annoyance of hosts who do not drink.

Miss Manners only wishes everyone would calm down. A token present is fine, but the real show of appreciation from a guest is responding to the invitation immediately, engaging other guests in friendly conversation, thanking the host and reciprocating soon.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year, our son married his longtime girlfriend in a lovely ceremony followed by a large reception.

This year, they’re planning an even bigger party. This next party is somehow about their wedding -- but we already had the wedding!

I’m finding it difficult to be enthusiastic about attending a party when I don’t know what I’m celebrating. To have a second celebration seems to make the first one less meaningful.

Of course I can decline with a simple "no, thank you," but I would like to hear your comments.

GENTLE READER: Would you feel better if they called it an anniversary party?

In today’s casual world, it puzzles Miss Manners that people seem to think a wedding is the only formal event they are entitled to throw or attend -- unless they are up for an entertainment award.

People crave a bit of formality, if only for a rare change from near-universal grunge. Thus the urge to have multiple weddings -- if not multiple marriages.

Boycotting this event would be a hostile move. Are you not in a position to have a gentle conversation with the couple, in which you support their idea but discuss modifying it? Calling it an anniversary party would make it their first big attempt at entertaining, instead of a wedding rerun.

Then again, perhaps they should not call it that. Surely they don’t want their friends thinking, “Do we have to give them presents AGAIN?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My adult daughters learned etiquette from me. It was passed down from my mother. Somewhere along the line, the old etiquette has been forgotten and new manners have been invented by their husbands.

Examples of the new etiquette are:

-- Arms on the table.

-- One foot on the chair with the knee sticking up over the table.

-- Aggressive jabbing at one's food.

-- Resting the silverware handles on the table with the spoon or fork turned over on the plate.

-- Eating before everyone sits down.

-- When cutting food, holding the meat with the fork in an awkward vertical position.

Can you please help me? I am very offended, but am afraid to speak.

I forgot the most important part: The new etiquette has been adopted by my grandchildren, who are now teenagers. I am so sad to see them lack basic decency.

GENTLE READER: What do you mean, “The New Etiquette”?

Do you believe that if enough people do something wrong, that makes it right? Is shoplifting legal if enough people start doing it?

Miss Manners is at least relieved that your family’s transgressions are limited to eating sloppily, which doesn’t harm others. It could reflect badly on them, but not if everyone else they know eats the same way.

And, as we both know, despite Miss Manners’ having pounced on you for the way you phrased it, many do.

So she advises you to give up on the adults. You had your chance, they know better, and may still be able to do better if they encounter situations where they are afraid of making a bad impression.

You might still influence your grandchildren, however. Generally speaking, making a bad impression is a more frequent concern among teenagers than adults. It just never occurs to them that a bad impression might be formed from their table manners, mostly because their peers are likely to eat the same way they do.

There are ample situations where your grandchildren may want to impress adults: college interviews, job interviews or dining with the parents of a crush, for instance. These may not be immediate possibilities -- applicants for summer jobs are not often vetted over lunch -- but might occur in the near future.

Your grandchildren are unaware of the rules -- and of the advantages that knowing them can provide. The tactful way to teach them requires refraining from criticizing their parents, which will be a struggle. Simply invite them to a nice dinner, mention those anxiety-producing situations, and then offer to teach them the code.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have received an envelope with a note on the bottom that says “hand delivered.” It will be handled the same way as any other piece of mail that comes into my hands.

Am I within range of having good manners?

GENTLE READER: Congratulations on treating all envelopes with equal respect. But Miss Manners would have to know how you treat people.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We enjoy continuing friendships with couples we have known from various chapters of our lives. Some of these friends now live far away, and we enjoy having them visit and stay with us.

When we have out-of-town friends visiting our home, I usually have a lasagna ready to slip into the oven or meatballs simmering in the crockpot for dinner, or we might grill hamburgers on the deck. The next morning, I slip a breakfast casserole, that I have previously prepared and refrigerated, into the oven for our breakfast.

A couple living a couple hours away from us recently invited us for an overnight visit. Upon our late-afternoon arrival, they suggested that we go to an expensive restaurant for our evening meal. There was really no graceful way of handling this, except to agree. Each couple handled our own separate checks.

Later in the evening, as we prepared to retire to the guest room, they suggested that we go out for breakfast the next morning. Again, there was no graceful alternative except to agree. After our restaurant breakfast, we said warm goodbyes and left, as previously planned.

We enjoy this couple and their friendship. But while we had budgeted for the trip, we had not really planned on these expensive restaurant tabs. Plus, we would have enjoyed the warmth and intimacy of sharing meals with them in their charming home.

Am I correct in my thinking that, when we invite friends to visit us, it goes without saying that we will provide their meals during their stay in our home?

GENTLE READER: Usually. But not everyone has your talent for slipping things in and out of the oven.

Miss Manners agrees, however, that if they lack that aptitude, your hosts should at least warn you that you will be eating out. Perhaps in their minds, as in hers, they thought that it would not be too much of a financial burden. If you arrived in time for dinner and left the next day after breakfast, your only other expense was gas, was it not?

It still does not make the transaction gracious, just more even.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went gray at an exceedingly young age -- my mother noticed my first gray hair when I was in preschool. By the time I was in my early 20s, my hair was mostly gray.

I’ve embraced it and learned to love it, and am happy to answer the questions I get -- typically whether it’s natural, when I started going gray, and does anyone else in my family have premature gray hair.

But there are two questions I’ve gotten a few times over the years that have rankled me and I’m not sure how to respond. The first is, “Did you know you have gray hair?” and the second is, “Is there something wrong with you, like a disease or disorder?”

I am, as you can imagine, well aware of the color of my own hair. I am also not sick, which I don’t think is anyone’s business, provided I’m not contagious (and I assume I'm not, as nobody around me has "caught" my gray hair). What would be the best way to respond here?

GENTLE READER: “Yes” to the first question and “no” to the second.

In responding to the second, it may be difficult to resist adding, “Why? Is there something wrong with you?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)