DEAR MISS MANNERS: I realize it’s an unpleasant world with unpleasant people who are going to say unpleasant things. But sometimes, you have to get down on their level in order for them to get the message.

For instance, in cases where a stranger calls someone fat, that person could give an equally rude response, such as: “Yeah? Well, you’re majorly ugly, and at least I can diet.”

Not exactly taking the high road, but sometimes it feels good to get down in the gutter.

GENTLE READER: Thank you for your attempt at helping in the noble cause of mannerliness, but Miss Manners is afraid that your suggestion represents the problem, not the solution. In pursuing the laudable goal of lessening the amount of unpleasantness in the world, you are proposing adding to it.

That low road is extremely crowded. If you want to help, please stay off of it.

Perhaps it would help you to know that retaliatory rudeness never works. Do you really believe that the person you call ugly will reflect on having provoked you with a similar insult?

Besides, why are you even engaging with rude strangers? The ultimate insult is refusing to acknowledge another person’s existence. Better yet, ignoring the person passes the etiquette test. (Detractors condemn such responses as passive-aggressive, but Miss Manners much prefers them to aggressive-aggressive.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the two main subjects you should not discuss?

GENTLE READER: There are three: Politics, religion and sex (including gender). If you think this restriction is outdated, you haven’t tried launching these topics lately.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught that at formal dinner parties, bread plates were not used, and that they were not considered part of a formal place setting for multi-course meals. Now, I am given to understand that formal dinner place settings include bread plates, placed to the left of the charger, and a small bread-and-butter knife.

I was also taught that the correct order was for a salad to be served after the main course, not before, so the salad fork and knife were "inside" of the main course fork and knife. Are these two rules obsolete?

GENTLE READER: You were taught correct social manners. But how many social seated dinner parties in other people’s homes have you attended in recent years?

What has happened is that purely social get-togethers over meals now mostly take place in restaurants, and the procedures of expensive restaurants have come to be considered correct formal practices.

Miss Manners is not deriding restaurants here; she understands that they have different requirements. In a household, the meal is ready to be served when the guests are called to the table. Fine restaurants must wait for customers’ orders before preparing the food.

And those customers are hungry, so the restaurants give them bread and salad to keep them from chewing the napkins.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a widow with many acquaintances and activities. I am physically and verbally affectionate with family members and close friends, and am generous with hugs and “I love yous.”

A gentleman friend and I have become close, and feel affection for each other. But since we are both averse to a serious relationship, the words “I love you” are not warranted and would be off-putting.

Can you suggest another term to express my feelings? “I like you” seems inadequate and awkward.

GENTLE READER: “I love spending time with you”?

Just be sure, Miss Manners suggests, not to sneeze or cough between the words “love” and “spending.” Apparently that would be off-putting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I take the bus to and from work. As I stepped off the bus recently, the bus driver (whom I see once or twice a week) handed me a note, in which he expressed his admiration for me and a wish to get to know me better.

Although he seems like a nice young man, I’m happily married and really have no interest in getting to know him. What is the proper way to respond? In another note, in person or just by politely ignoring the whole thing?

GENTLE READER: Could you take another bus?

Perhaps this is too drastic, but a note feels too intimate, saying something in-person a bit confrontational and ignoring it only temporary -- eventually he will follow up. It might be fun, however, to ask your husband to join you one morning. The young man’s reaction, Miss Manners guesses, will be a good indication of what exactly he was admiring.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I moved in with my boyfriend and discovered he has, in my opinion, a rather unusual habit. Not only does he say “bless you” in response to sneezes, but he does so in response to burps and flatulence as well!

When I asked him about it, he said he was taught it was polite. (He is from the South, while I am not.)

Is this true? Saying “bless you” in response to flatulence seems rather rude to me, though I can’t put my finger on why. I would love to know if this is a normal custom that I’m just unaware of, or if it is as strange as it feels.

GENTLE READER: There is no real logic as to why flatulence and burping are rude and sneezing is not, presuming they are all unintentional. Still, saying “bless you” after anything other than a sneeze seems like admonishment -- as though a sneeze is what the person meant to do, and it just came out wrong.

Miss Manners seems to have put her finger on it. Although she would have been just as happy not to have done.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband thinks it is acceptable to go out in public with a toothpick in his mouth. This includes stores, restaurants and other people’s homes.

When I tell him it is low-class and disrespectful, he responds that I am wrong. What should one do?

GENTLE READER: Feed him only soft foods.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately, I find that whenever I schedule even the most mundane of appointments, I am endlessly nagged by correspondence from the host: “Please confirm Lady Tuna’s rabies booster appointment,” or “Are you still planning to attend our Needle-Felting Calico Cats class at the library?”

Such repetitive messages arrive by post, text, email and sometimes even dreaded phone calls -- at all hours of the day. These multiple demands for confirmation have grown tiresome.

Perhaps I’m annoyed because such hounding dredges up memories from my dating life. Gentlemen were so eager to spend time with me that they pestered me endlessly to ensure our date was still on. The consequence of their exuberance was that I would, politely and with fair warning, release them to the wilds: “Something suddenly came up, and I fear I must forgo the pleasure of dining with you ... ever again.”

How do I politely discourage restaurants, salons and taxidermists from hounding me? After all, I am the party who initiated the appointment, so of course I will attend! Furthermore, I am usually requesting from them a crucial service -- say, surgery.

I’m inclined to escape the unending confirmation requests by “breaking up” with the desperate parties, but I’m quite sure it’s not good for my health to dump my surgeon simply due to the office's wild desire to make sure I show up.

Perhaps the solution is as simple as Miss Manners issuing a polite, but stern, PSA or a witty bon mot discouraging this practice.

GENTLE READER: As someone who likewise keeps her appointments, Miss Manners also finds it annoying to receive 236,475 emails, phone calls and texts reminding her about them. Especially when she then finds herself in waiting rooms long past those scheduled times.

Many of these reminders are automatic, so unsubscribing from emails or blocking texts is a short-term solution. But if Miss Manners is to issue a declaration, it is that everyone else should stop canceling appointments at the last minute and commit to showing up on time. You are ruining it for the rest of us.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am wondering how one responds to people who offer rude and unsolicited commentary on one’s alma mater.

I was introduced to the friends of a neighbor, and the question “Where do you go to school?” came up. I told them, and one of them responded, “I’m sorry.”

He evidently thought himself the soul of wit, but, as I have to look for a job with my degree from this school, I did not find his comment at all amusing. I laughed with him anyway, partially because it was expected, but mostly because I was startled. Later on, I felt like a twit for laughing.

Is there any polite response to a comment such as this one? I do not wish to laugh at the reputation of a school at which I have had a good experience as a student, nor do I wish to respond with rudeness.

GENTLE READER: “Why?” comes to Miss Manners’ mind. Or genuinely asking what is funny. Nothing disarms a bad joke like taking it seriously. And watching the joker splutter an explanation is what really makes it amusing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)