Doctor’s Note: This letter includes descriptions of emotional and sexual abuse. Please take care while reading.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a hetro, cis-male 60yo with all the other privileges. I am thirty-four years sober. I am in counseling and on an anti-depressant. One of your recent takedowns of a troll left me triggered.

My first kiss/sexual encounter was forced on me by a friend (f). My first long term relationship can be summed up by her calling me her “insignificant other” and telling me that she didn’t worry about me cheating on her because no one else would want me. In another low point, when I tried to get close to her on the couch, she pushed me away and called it a demand for sex. After this I quit initiating sex (not that I did that a lot). But she would also start crying if she caught me masturbating, because I was accusing her of not meeting my needs. She was also quick to remind me of the past and current oppression of women by men.

Years after the breakup, she called to make amends. Until then I didn’t realize that this was abuse. Men aren’t abused – they are the abusers. At one point, I was convinced that it was normal and that I deserved it deserved it because … “man.”

Now, I understand that I shouldn’t feel the need to apologize for existing, but that is often my first reaction to angry feminist rhetoric. Then my own angry reaction at being made to feel that way. Then feeling guilty for getting angry. And so on…

This time, I just want to find something to help me with the lingering effects of my abuse. Naturally, I found nothing for men, only women. Well, there was one book with Crazy as a descriptor of the abuser which I didn’t think would be helpful.

So, is there a book not by a nutjob to help men recover from abusive heterosexual relationships?

Still Frightened of Women

DEAR STILL FRIGHTENED OF WOMEN: Oh man, SFW, I am so sorry this happened to you, and I’m glad you got away from that situation. Believe me, I absolutely understand how much a toxic and abusive relationship can f--k with your head, your sense of self and how it can leave you in an almost-instinctive defensive crouch.

Likewise, I’m very proud of you for taking care of yourself. Maintaining your sobriety, going to counseling and getting treatment can all be difficult, so you deserve a lot of credit for your strength and bravery. It can be especially difficult for men; not only do we have to push past a culture that teaches us never to admit weakness or expose our vulnerability, but also a culture that minimizes the way that men can be victims of relationship abuse. The abuse is bad enough; the way that people often mock, belittle or deny the ways men can experience abuse can feel like you’re getting hit coming and going.

Unfortunately, this is a very common – and very illustrative – example of the ways that toxic ideas about masculinity hurts men and inhibits healing and recovery. And unfortunately, what you’re asking for brings up another way that these toxic ideas and values create problems for men.

Now before we get to the meat of your question, I have one for you: does your counseling give you the tools to handle things when you encounter your triggers? The chain of thoughts you describe – the knee-jerk flinch, followed by anger and then guilt for feeling angry – is pretty common in victims of abuse, especially when particular rhetoric has been used as a tool by your abuser. The fear followed by the anger is understandable; fear’s deeply unpleasant and we often respond to that unpleasantness with anger and aggression. It’s a way of trying to protect ourselves by making those bad feelings – and their apparent cause – go away. The guilt that follows is a reminder that you know this result is unreasonable and illogical… but I’m betting tied to blaming yourself for being angry when you “shouldn’t” be and an amount of shame for “letting” yourself be abused.

The thing is, the fact that you’re getting angry isn’t necessarily something to feel guilty about. It’s a response to something that had been trained into you. It’s not conscious, it’s not rational and it doesn’t mean you should feel guilty; it’s an almost instinctive reaction to something that reminds you of the person who hurt you. But it’s just an emotion – something that you’re experiencing, not something that defines you as a person. Being angry, even having unpleasant or unattractive thoughts in response doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person; it’s what you do with those thoughts and emotions that matter. Anger can be a powerful tool for good, when harnessed and used properly – including as a tool for healing.

So, I hope your counselor has been working with you on the responses you have and how to manage your triggers. If they haven’t – or you feel like maybe it isn’t working as well as you would prefer – it may be worth looking into cognitive behavioral therapy as an addition to your counseling. CBT is particularly effective for the post-traumatic stress disorder you’re experiencing; it helps teach you how to challenge those negative, unhelpful beliefs around your trauma and break recurring cycles of fear, avoidance and guilt. You can even find some well-regarded self-directed CBT exercises and workbooks online and at resources like MoodGym; I highly recommend you check those out.

Now I bring this up in part because… well, it’s like I said, toxic and hegemonic ideas about masculinity means that there is a pretty significant blank spot in regards to resources for male victims of abuse, especially domestic abuse. Even consulting friends of mine who work in mental health and sex education didn’t produce as many leads as we’d prefer; if anything, it really highlighted just how few resources there are for men in particular.  

Many of the resources I initially found were for victims of sexual abuse of boys, rather than adult men who endured abuse from an intimate partner. And, of course, where such a gap exists, grifters and snake-oil peddlers will seek to exploit it. Of the few books I could find specifically for men, many of them veered towards toxic beliefs or blaming women and feminism, rather than addressing trauma, none of which are helpful for you or anyone else who’s endured similar abuse.

With that having been said, there are a couple of resources I would point you to. First, I think you might want to check out HelpGuide.org, which has resources for male victims of domestic abuse, including ways of moving on from your trauma. Similarly, 1in6.org, which is focused on helping male survivors of sexual abuse, has some resources you may want to look at as well. These tend to be more focused on childhood sexual abuse, but there’re a number of resources that can be useful for you as well.

I would also recommend some books on recovery from trauma and PTSD – “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk is a good starting point. “The PTSD Workbook: Simple, Effective Techniques For Overcoming Traumatic Stress Symptoms” by Mary Beth Williams, PhD and Soili Poijuli PhD, likewise comes highly recommended. You might also want to check out “The Cognitive Behavioral Coping Skills Workbook for PTSD: Overcome Fear and Anxiety and Reclaim Your Life” by Matthew T. Tull, Kim L. Gratz and Alexander L. Chapman.

It’s important to remember: the way you feel, especially when you’ve been triggered, isn’t an indicator of what you believe, nor who you are as a person. It’s a response to trauma; your brain is attempting to protect you from this ever happening again. So, on top of the hard, meaningful work that you’re already doing, forgive yourself for having those thoughts. They’re not something to feel guilty about; they’re lingering scars from what you’ve endured and survived. And don’t forget to be kind to yourself; you’ve made it through a lot and you deserve gentleness. Especially from yourself.

You’ll be ok, SFW. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I want to ask you a question that has been getting under my skin more than I expected, one that feels strangely fundamental in the age of app-based dating:

Why is it that men who thrive socially and romantically in real life often seem far less attractive on dating apps like Tinder?

The reason I’m asking is because I seem to be living this paradox very vividly.

In my day-to-day life, I do well with women. I’m not a model or a smooth-talking rogue, but I’ve dated genuinely beautiful, accomplished, interesting women — women I’m fairly certain wouldn’t have even paused on my Tinder profile, much less matched with me. Offline, I’m told I have what some people call a kind of “silent magnetism”: an energy that isn’t loud or flashy, but noticeable. Friends, acquaintances, even strangers have commented on it at times. In social settings, I’ve often been complimented on my presence, my humor, my warmth, and my ability to make people feel at ease. More than once, I’ve had someone tell me, “There’s something about you,” in that ambiguous but positive way that only happens face-to-face.

But on Tinder? It’s a completely different world. Matches are rare. Very rare. Messages go unanswered. The few conversations that do start often feel like they’re happening on ice that cracks instantly. There’s no momentum, no spark. Nothing about the way I connect with people in real life seems to translate onto a screen, into a handful of photos and a short bio. It’s as if the qualities that matter in person only exist in the physical world, and when converted into pixels, they evaporate.

A close friend of mine put it in a way that was both funny and brutally truthful. He said to me, almost teasing but also dead serious:

“Do you honestly think characters like Heisenberg, Saul Goodman, or Mr. Big would do well on Tinder? Of course not. Why are you judging your worth based on an app that wouldn’t even match with half the complex men you admire?”

I laughed, but I’ll admit — it hit me in a way I wasn’t ready for. It made me realize that Tinder and real life operate with entirely different currencies. And yet, I keep letting the app’s currency determine my value, even though real people in real situations give me a completely different verdict.

So this is what I want your guidance on:

Is there something inherent in the design and psychology of dating apps that disadvantages men whose strengths emerge through presence, personality, and in-person connection?

Am I simply not adapting to a medium that rewards an entirely different set of traits?

Or is this disparity normal, something many people experience but rarely talk about?

At the end of the day, I want to understand not just why this gap exists, but how to stop letting an algorithm dictate whether I feel attractive or desirable—especially when my lived experiences tell a much richer story.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I genuinely value your perspective, and I hope you can shed some light on this strange disconnect between digital and real-world romance.

Sincerely,

Out of Time Man

DEAR OUT OF TIME MAN: I hate to contradict a letter right from the jump in my reply, OTM, but I gotta disagree with you and your friend here: I suspect that Mr. Big (assuming we’re talking Chris Noth/Sex And The City Mr. Big and not, like, the 90s band) would likely be doing quite well on Hinge for reasons I’ll get to in a second. But also, it didn’t exactly escape my notice that all the examples of “complex characters you admire” were two criminals and a character played by someone who’s got a history of domestic violence and accusations of sexual assault. You and your friend should pick better examples next time.

But the answer to your question is fairly simple and something I’ve been saying for a while now: dating apps and meeting people in person are entirely different experiences and prioritize different qualities and aspects. You can’t compare results between the two and come up with a meaningful inference about a person’s attractiveness or desirability, simply because they don’t work the same way.

And that is before we strip away things like the algorithms, monetization/conversion strategies, dark patterns and all the other aspects that make dating apps, well, apps. Something I’ve ranted about at length many times before, so I won’t repeat it all here.

The first and most obvious difference is simply that being successful on dating apps and being successful in person are different skillsets. To make an inelegant comparison, it’s a little like the difference between being someone who writes comedy and a stand-up comedian. There’s some overlap in terms of understanding the fundamentals of comedy and humor and some shared skills between the two, but they’re very different disciplines. An author who writes comedic fiction is focused on conveying humor through the written medium. They may be funny in person, but they aren’t necessarily going to get up and do a tight 5 at their local open mic or bringer-show.

A stand-up comedian, on the other hand, is a performer – their craft is displayed not just through wordplay or snappy patter and jokes, but body language, tone, timing, responding to the audience and so on. Some of them are skilled writers – not just writing jokes or bits, but the actual craft of writing – but not every stand up is also going to write their version of “Going Postal” or “Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff”, or “The Wizard’s Guide To Defensive Baking”. 

(This, incidentally, is also why so many authors are frustrated by the way that publishing has changed. “I’m a writer, I chose this because I didn’t want to perform on camera!” commonly heard as they’re told to start TikTok and YouTube channels…)

Being good at meeting people in person and meeting people on a dating app are, likewise, different skills that play to different qualities and strengths. Creating a good profile on a dating app – one that gets responses that can lead to in-person meet-ups – requires knowing how to write an engaging profile, how to convey positive and attractive qualities in text and pictures, shaping your profile to be appealing to your target audience and knowing how to look good in photos.

(And yes, “looking good in photos” is a skill. Just ask anyone who models professionally or semi-professionally.)

These skills don’t necessarily correlate to someone’s attractiveness, nor to their presence and charisma in-person. There are a lot of people, for example, whose appeal isn’t visual so much as in how they move and behave. They may not look good in still photos, but their charm and magnetism is abundantly clear when you see them in motion. They may have a quick wit and tell amazing stories, but the experience is buoyed on tone of voice and behavior as much as the exact words used.

Now where things get sticky is that folks forget that getting matches on a dating app is the start of the process, not the end; to get dates, you have to also have social skills and know how to connect with someone via text. You need to take that initial point of contact and build enough comfort, interest and rapport to get the other person interested in meeting you in person. And meeting in person means that those other skills and qualities come into play, too.

This is important too, because someone on a dating app may seem great on paper, even when you text or trade pics, but there’s no zip when you meet them in person. A lot about what makes a person attractive that isn’t conveyed through words, nor can it be picked up on in photos or even video calls.

These are things that we only pick up on when we’re in their physical presence, and they often determine whether we find someone attractive before we even consciously consider the question. These range from how somebody smells, to the way they move, the way they behave with others, even the pitch and timbre of their voice. These create a host of clues and impressions that often unconsciously dictate whether we even give them a second thought. So, if you saw them on a dating app, where you have a couple of photos and some text prompts, you might swipe right… but you might not if you met them at a bar.

Similarly, dating apps have a way of encouraging people narrow the scope of who they want to consider. You can filter for all sorts of qualities, from height to political affiliation and vaccination status; whether they want kids or not, or if they’re allergic to cats; whether they’re a smoker, or what their educational status is. This is where someone like Mr. Big can thrive: they can highlight the aspects that their preferred matches are looking for. A rich, conventionally attractive businessman with no kids, who’s marriage-minded and part of the elite social scene in Manhattan is going to be catnip for someone on The League or Raya. He’s also someone who would have less of an issue paying for upper-tier subscriptions for apps that give a significant algorithmic boost and has the resources to have his profile fine-tuned to an inch of its life.   

But while that specificity and granularity can be helpful… it also means that you’re less likely to encounter serendipity. After all, there’re folks who you might think on paper are a poor match, but if you see them in person, they just have that ineffable spark that means you can’t get them out of your head. Yeah, there are aspects of them that aren’t necessarily your favorite… but those dealbreakers that were so important when they were theoretical may seem less significant when you put them in context with the actual person.

So not only do you get a lot of false positives on a dating app, but you also may miss out on meeting people who would be a great date… if you met them somewhere other than on Tinder or Hinge.

The last difference is that dating apps feel radically different than meeting people in person. Having a small city’s worth of potential matches at your fingertips seems great… right up until the paradox of choice kicks in. Having tons upon tons of options sounds great before you try to choose from them. Suddenly, what seemed like great abundance becomes intimidating, and it becomes much harder to not just make a choice but commit to it, simply because… well, look at how much there is. So even finding someone who swipes right on you and responds to messages may still not lead anywhere, simply because the apps encourage constant and mindless browsing.

This is why letting Tinder tell you that you’re not attractive because of the results you do or don’t get is a little like saying Terry Pratchett isn’t funny because he never got hired on Saturday Night Live or performed at Edinburgh Fringe Fest; the yardstick being used just doesn’t apply. Your success – or lack thereof – on an app isn’t indicative of anything other than how good you are at using dating apps. That’s it.

This is why I encourage folks to only use the apps as a supplement to meeting people, not a replacement, and in a very particular and mindful way. It’s all too easy to fall into ruts and carve grooves in your brain that are unhelpful at best and malignant at worst.

As a general rule, I always encourage my clients and readers to play to their strengths, not to beat themselves up for not succeeding in contexts that work against them. You do best meeting people in person, OTM, and your appeal is most evident when you’re face to face. So, focus on being social and meeting people in the venues and circumstances that work for you. You’ll be a lot more successful and – more importantly – a hell of a lot happier and self-assured.  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 18, not currently in a relationship and still a virgin. Throughout my high school years, I constantly heard my peers talk about their sex life, the guys they’re dating and more (which was ironic because I went to a very ‘traditional’ Christian high school. I’ve never felt ‘attracted’ to anyone sexually before and now that I think about, I’ve never really felt romantically attracted to anyone either. I was never the one being asked out on a date (privately or publicly).

To be fair, I’m not exactly attractive – I’ve never been attractive even when I tried, nor am I very intelligent (In school my marks averaged around Cs – As.) While I was never jealous of WHO my peers were dating, I was incredibly jealous of what they were doing. Having cute dates, the fun, the sex and a companion.

I have tried dating and all of my attempts either ended up horribly or didn’t go anywhere at all. It’s not like I don’t want sex It’s that I’ve never seem to find the right situation for it. I’m not looking for constant hookups – that life is just not for me, but sex every now and then sounds fun. I don’t want to wait for marriage either, I mean unless my partner is a virgin too because then by all means why not, because then we get to explore it together instead of just showing the other person what sex is like.

TL;DR: I’m 18 and a virgin, incredibly ashamed about it even though I want to experience it before marriage since I want sex between me and a partner to feel more than them just teaching me what sex is like.

Family Disappointment

DEAR FAMILY DISAPPOINTMENT: Oh man, FD, you are so very young. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a judgement on you, but a simple observation: you’re making a lot of assumptions and proclamations based on so very little experience and insight and it’s reminding me of how certain I was about the world at that age. More importantly, it’s a reminder of how very WRONG I was about how the world worked. And not to put too fine a point on it… you’re wrong in very similar ways.

Specifically, you’re running yourself down and denigrating yourself and you are absolutely wrong on all of it. To start with, grades aren’t a measure of intelligence, grades are a measure of how well you do in classes and tests. Some of the smartest people I know – people who are literal geniuses and, in many cases, credentialed experts in their fields – got horrible grades. Some were neurodivergent and didn’t do well in traditional classroom environments, some had test anxiety, some had personality clashes with their teachers and some were just bored.

But even allowing for all that, getting a range of C’s to A’s doesn’t imply that you’re not intelligent; if anything, it suggests you’re above average. But even if you were dead bang in the median, that’s not bad; it means that you are in the majority. You don’t need to be exceptionally smart to date, have sex, get married or have any kind of relationship you might want – stupid people do all of the above, all the time. Beating yourself up for not being Stephen Hawking is just a pointless exercise in self-abuse… and not the fun kind.

I’m also going to cock a skeptical eyebrow at your being unattractive. People, especially in their teen years, are notoriously bad at gauging their own attractiveness; more often than not, they’re comparing themselves to someone who is professionally hot and then blaming themselves for not measuring up. If I had a nickel for every time I heard from someone who would swear that they looked like the bastard child of a Muppet and the Toxic Avenger and they turned out to need a better haircut and a skin care regimen, I would be swimming through my money bin like Scrooge Mc-f--king Duck. 

I’m also going to let you in on a secret: your peers are almost certainly NOT having all that sex they’re telling you about. If they’re not rounding up things significantly, they’re outright lying, making it up out of whole cloth. In fact, the vast majority of your peers are not having sex. At all. Teenagers (and teenage boys in particular), however, are prone to lying about sex, because they want to come across as cool and special. They want the status and social benefits from their peers that they think comes with having sex, and so they just make s--t up.

But here’s the thing: the fact that you’re a virgin doesn’t matter. Being a virgin says literally nothing about you except that you haven’t had a particular experience yet. That’s it. Nothing about you being any better or worse than anyone else, nothing about being more desirable or less worthy, nothing about being more or less manly, mature or quite literally anything aside from Tab A has not gone into (or up against or between or…) Tab B. And quite frankly, this is something that you didn’t even care about until very recently. This was a non-issue for you before you were basically told to feel bad about it. This is more than a little like not being interested in soccer until two weeks ago and then being upset you haven’t been drafted to a pro team yet.

More importantly however, you’ve got a distorted about how sex works in a relationship. You’re assuming that you’re going to be the ‘lesser’ partner if you haven’t had sex based on nothing but your own supposition and schoolyard gossip. The reality is significantly different.

I mean, let’s start with the fact that you’re assuming that someone “showing you what sex is like” is a negative and not an incredibly common fantasy. There are a hell of a lot of people who love the idea of showing someone the ropes; there’s a reason why “Mrs. Robinson” still exists as a point of reference. But even if it’s not someone’s particular fantasy or fetish, there’re far more people who are entirely cool with being their partner’s first, rather than turned off or repulsed by it. Many, if not most, are neutral at worst about it.

But there’s also this idea that someone else being experienced means that they aren’t also learning what sex is like with someone new. Having sex with someone for the first time – whether you have never so much as held hands with someone or you’ve been putting up Wilt Chamberlin numbers – is always an exploration with them. You are both learning about one another: what you like, what they like, what works for you, what works for them, what absolutely doesn’t work and makes your skin crawl, what you might try and what you might need a few tequila wallbangers before being brave enough to attempt.

It’s going to be an exploration, because sex with each person is going to be different, because each person you’re having sex with will be different. What one makes one person start hitting high notes like an opera singer will make another person climb a wall and start hissing like a vampire confronted with a crucifix. The trick you know that made one person orgasm so hard they touch the face of God will make another person swear off human contact for months. Why? Because there’s no universal technique, no Dim (Petit) Mak that works on everyone. People aren’t robots or computer programs where the same inputs will get the same results. Everyone has their own little quirks, anatomical variations, fetishes, hard no’s and absolute requirements, and no two are going to be exactly alike. Think of snowflakes, but ones made of clitorises, penises, vulvas, anuses, nipples, nerve clusters and energy meridians.

And then get another tequila wallbanger to try to wash the mental image out of your brain.

The point is that sex is as much in the brain as in the body. What makes sex good isn’t just knowing how to do the Swirly-Go-Round, the Transylvanian Twist or the Rusty Venture, it’s about connecting and communicating with your partner. It’s as much in the trust and security you feel with one another as it is in knowing how much pressure to apply and where.

Numbers don’t tell the complete story, in no small part because quantity doesn’t imply quality. A person who has slept with hundreds of people can still suck in bed, because they’re a selfish pork-face who’s functionally just masturbating using another person. Meanwhile, a person who has never done more than getting an underwater squeezer at Wasaga Beach can be the Orgasm King of Ontario because they’ve got hands, a tongue and a can-do attitude and they’re willing to listen to their partner without letting their ego get in the way.

All of which brings us back to the fact that you’re so very young, and this is the problem. You’re running yourself down based on nothing – no true experience, no true basis of comparison and just a lot of assumptions. The only purpose that any of this is serving is to make you feel bad about yourself for absolutely no reason. You’ve convinced yourself that there’s something shameful about you when there isn’t. The only thing your outlook is doing is serving to demotivate you and leave you feeling deficient and you are not.

Well, I’m here from the future to tell you: you are fine. You aren’t falling behind, you’re not a loser, you’re not doomed and you certainly aren’t freakish or weird, ugly or stupid. You’re an 18-year-old with a riot of hormones surging through your body, trying to establish yourself as more than just the son of your parents and no experience in the world yet… the latest in a long and glorious lineage of everyone who has been 18 in the past or will be 18 in the future.

You are fine. S--t’s chaotic and scary and it feels like you don’t know things you should. I know, because I’ve been there, as have everyone who read this. Everyone feels like that, because life doesn’t have dress rehearsals or scripts. Everyone – including your parents – knows that we’re all just improvising as best we can.

You are fine.

You have nothing to feel ashamed of, nothing to apologize for and nothing to make up for. Don’t worry about what you haven’t done, don’t worry about how old you will be when you’ve done it. It will all sort itself out. The only thing you need to do is to do your best to live a good life… whatever that looks like to you.

You’ve got this. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com