DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at the dentist last week and the hygienist, whom I had never met before, mentioned she had a new grandchild. I naturally congratulated her and asked the polite questions: sex, name, etc.

Then she asked about my children, and I replied that I have one son. "Is he married?" No, but he's in a long-term relationship. "Any children?" No. "Don’t they want children?" ... Crickets.

This is not the first time someone has asked me these things. I wouldn’t ask my closest friend these questions about one of her children, let alone a stranger!

I had to return to the dentist the following week, and there was a different hygienist making small talk while we waited for the dentist. This time, I kept my answers to "yes" and "no," which felt rude.

I’ll admit, I am a bit sensitive about the subject; I would love to have a grandchild, but it’s not in the cards for me. Still, where do people get off asking such personal questions? And better yet, what’s a good reply to shut them down?

GENTLE READER: While Miss Manners agrees that this conversation jumped the rails, she does not understand why you were still holding on when it did.

The hygienist’s probing would have been insensitive with any new acquaintance, but was even more out of place in a professional setting. The moment the first personal question was asked -- assuming it was not part of a standard medical intake, performed in a private setting -- was the moment to smile graciously and ask where the bathroom was, or when the dentist would be ready to see you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I suffer from an invisible and unpredictable chronic pain issue. One day I’m out shopping with friends, walking from store to store, and the next I’m in bed. My closest friends understand this and are accommodating.

How do I respond to invitations from people I don’t know as well? Do I decline an invitation to a wedding, knowing that they need an accurate count and that it's possible I won’t be able to attend? Do I call and explain, and make them decide?

I don’t like bringing attention to my medical issues, especially this one, since it is private and hard to explain. But I also find myself missing out on a lot of the joys of life because I do not want to cause problems for someone else.

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners appreciates your concern for disappointed hosts, being sick is a legitimate reason for declining to attend an event at the last minute. Illness of any kind is, by definition, unpredictable.

If this happens, you are neither required nor expected to give a detailed explanation, and those who doubt your word are not your friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When there are service providers at my house (landscapers, plumbers, electricians, etc.) what, if anything, are my hostess obligations?

Should I offer them a sandwich? A glass of iced tea? Is there a difference if they are working inside or outside my home?

GENTLE READER: You do not have any hostess obligations, but you do have the obligations of a good employer. That means always treating employees with dignity and providing decent working conditions -- which may include sandwiches and iced tea depending on the hours, the work, and the availability of food and drink in the area.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work at a small, family-owned business where a few employees have dietary restrictions, some by choice and some by medical necessity.

I love to cook and bake at home, and since it is just myself and my partner, I often have extra portions. Is it rude to bring food to share at the workplace that doesn’t meet the restrictions of ALL employees?

For example, I recently made a delicious apple crisp and had a large amount left over the next day. But it was neither gluten-free nor vegan, so I hesitated to bring the extra to work to share -- even though the majority of employees would have enjoyed it.

GENTLE READER: It would be rude to provide a meal that did not have some options that all your guests could eat. But that is not the situation you describe.

No one is relying on -- or even expecting -- apple crisp in the break room. What you propose would not, therefore, be rude. As long as your offerings are clearly labeled, your colleagues can make their own decisions about whether to indulge.

Still, Miss Manners cannot reassure you that such technical adherence to the law will shield you from the righteous fury of the unfed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had lunch with a person I consider to be a Very Good Friend. This is someone I see a few times each month and with whom I have traveled.

My friend was excited about a new gourmet group they were forming -- a rotating dinner party. I told my friend that the idea seemed fun and that I was interested.

The next time we met up, my friend raised the subject of the group once again. I was shocked and upset when I was told, in a roundabout way, that I would not be included. My friend said, “I am going to be very selective about who I include because there are some people who seem to think 'the more, the merrier,' and we just can’t have that. The time you asked me to include your mother at Easter, my table was at its max capacity.”

I was shocked. That request was made 10 years ago and was cheerfully accommodated. I would have stayed home with Mother had I been rebuffed. To have this held as a trespass on my part is very upsetting.

I no longer wish to be considered for this “elite” group. Do I have a choice, other than complaining or abandoning the friendship?

GENTLE READER: You do have a choice, but it’s not a tasty one.

Your Very Rude Friend is expecting that you will promise not to transgress again, after which you will be issued an invitation to the new group. If you understandably do not wish to eat crow as a precursor to more gourmet delicacies, you should abandon hope of entry into the new group, abandon the friendship, or both.

Although she generally agrees that guests are not supposed to ask to bring additional guests, Miss Manners notes that an advance discussion about a mother at an Easter dinner might have been raised in an inoffensive way -- and that 10 years is a long time to hold a grudge.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a very cliquey condo community, and I feel left out when I don’t get invited to the lunches or dinners out with the other ladies. And then I feel even more left out when someone who moved out of our community still gets included in these events.

I know I can’t say anything about this to the people in question. I just need to know how to not feel so hurt. Please give me some words of wisdom.

GENTLE READER: Two words: Invite them.

Miss Manners would like to remind you gently that a condo is not high school. People form friendships for various reasons, but they are not likely to take gleeful pleasure in excluding certain individuals. (Apologies to the nice high school students. She didn’t mean you.)

Rather, your neighbors probably got used to socializing with the same people and simply don’t think of adding you to the guest list. And the former neighbor is still included because she became their friend -- which is what you should take the initiative to do.

One way is to strike up a conversation and then suggest coffee or lunch. If your building has a common area, go there with a book and be on the lookout for anyone approachable. The elevator or the mail room will also do, or the condo board meetings.

You could post a notice asking if anyone would like to get up a game of bridge, or whatever you might play. Or you could knock on a neighbor’s door and introduce yourself, even if you do not need to borrow a cup of sugar.

And yes, you can do that. It just requires taking advantage of having outgrown one's shy teenage years.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An acquaintance is expecting her first child soon, and I would like to send some kind of gift. I have known her since we were young children, but I currently engage with her only occasionally, in a professional (yet friendly) capacity.

I am not sure what is appropriate, or whether giving a gift in this context -- when I am only on the periphery of her social and professional circles -- could somehow be considered rude. I really just want to do something nice, but I’m not sure what is correct.

GENTLE READER: People do not generally express rudeness through presents. Unless, of course, they send objects that are set to explode when opened.

Nevertheless, Miss Manners appreciates your delicacy in not wanting to make this old acquaintance feel that she has been socially neglectful of you, and that she must, for example, hastily ask that you be added to the guest list for the baby shower.

You could avoid that by waiting until the baby is born, and then sending a token present with your congratulations -- nothing overwhelming, and perhaps with a fond reference to your shared childhoods.

Anyone who is not touched with that, much less anyone who would consider it rude, should probably not be rearing a child.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)