DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think the reason that people think using “ma’am” or “sir” is offensive stems from the idea that you have to assume someone’s gender identity in order to use them.

There are many people whose appearance doesn’t match their identity. Assuming one knows that information based on looks, or even voice, can cause distress for people, especially if they are early in a transition or if they are gender nonconforming.

I, like you, was raised to be polite. "Ma’am" and "sir" were my normal ways of addressing people. It has been difficult to shift how I talk to people, but I have done so, not because I don’t want to be respectful, but because I do.

I genuinely wish there were a universal, gender-neutral honorific to use in the English language. I want something that showed I respect people enough to be polite, but also enough not to assume I know (possibly private) information about them.

I know gender-neutral honorifics do exist in other languages, but English is sadly lacking. Even a typically polite and well-mannered individual such as myself may choose to forgo the use of "ma’am" and "sir."

GENTLE READER: It would be useful, Miss Manners agrees, to have such a word, and thereby dispense with one of the limitless causes at which people take offense.

So would you and other Gentle Readers please give it a try and suggest one?

A few warnings: It should be dignified and easy to say. A word already in use is preferable, if it is not too confusing, because people do not take easily to made-up words. For example, “partner” is confusing when used for a nonmarital romantic alliance, as opposed to a business partnership -- or, for that matter, tennis or bridge partners -- but it won out over “significant other,” which was not only an invention, but also silly.

But please do try.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When should one respond to an RSVP request if not planning to attend?

I have been sending regrets for small (less than 20 people) group invitations, but am not sure what is expected and most helpful when included in a mass mailing such as for a fundraising event.

For example, I received an invitation that went to hundreds of donors for a meet-the-staff event with appetizers and drinks.

Does it matter if one knows the sender from previous personal contacts (in this case, with the organization’s donor coordinator)? Does it matter if each guest’s attendance requires extra preparation and investment, such as a meal?

GENTLE READER: Does the invitation have a little price list for buying tickets to attend?

Far be it from Miss Manners to suggest that any invitation go unanswered. But some items that use the form of invitations are actually ticket sales slips, and may be ignored by those not planning to buy. Asking for the pleasure of your paid company, whether to a fancy dinner or a mattress sale, does not qualify as an invitation.

But it is courteous to answer all real invitations, even to mass events. No one may be heartbroken at your refusal to attend, but it may be helpful to the planners to assess numbers.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am getting married in a traditional church ceremony. My father, who will be giving me away, has refused to wear a tuxedo on the grounds that it is a “monkey suit,” even though all of the other men in the wedding party will be wearing one.

I gave in, because I want him to be happy and comfortable. Now he says he will not wear a tie, either. My mother and I have tricked him into wearing a nice new silk jacket and haven’t mentioned anything about him wearing shoes other than sneakers ... yet. I would give in again if I thought he was actually going to be in any real pain, but I can’t see how wearing a tie for an hour is painful.

The real problem is that he hates wearing formal clothes. I feel like his refusal to wear a tux or tie demonstrates a lack of respect for what is, to me, a deeply important formal ceremony. It feels like he cares more about not wearing formal clothes than he does about his daughter.

When I mentioned to my mother that I was unhappy about his decision, I was told an anecdote that implied that I cared more about clothes and appearances than about my father, who loves me, and that I should just take what I can get and let the rest go.

Am I really being that unreasonable?

GENTLE READER: The person who cares too much about clothes is your father.

He cares desperately about what he wears, to the extent of upsetting his beloved daughter on a unique and special occasion.

Like you, he considers formal clothes to be symbolic. But while you interpret formality as a show of respect and festivity, he believes it symbolizes snobbery. Your version is indeed the standard one, but his is typical of a (mostly male) minority.

Miss Manners agrees that one of you should put aside those feelings simply to indulge the strongly held feelings of the other, however wrong you consider them to be. Someone has to be the grown-up here. One would expect a father to do this for his daughter, especially for one hour at her wedding. But as yours refuses, you are stuck with rising above the childishness.

If guests are startled -- or, more likely, amused -- at your father’s being tieless and wearing sneakers, that is his problem. He may not care about their reactions, or he may take pride in defying the dress code.

You might, however, warn him that his act of rebellion might be interpreted as disapproval of the wedding.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I remember reading about olden invitation cards that might say, “Tea at 5, carriages at 7:30.”

GENTLE READER: Yes, it was a polite way of saying, "Don’t think you’re staying for dinner."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it in bad taste to throw yourself a baby shower?

GENTLE READER: Yes, whether you are the baby, the embryo or the mother. And that goes for the mother’s mother, and anyone else in the family.

Sadly, hosting one's own (or one's relative's) shower emphasizes that there are no friends who care enough to do it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I got married recently. It is a second marriage for both of us, but our first weddings were two decades ago, and we wanted to have a special event that really felt like a wedding.

We paid for the whole thing ourselves. It was simple and relatively small, but it was definitely and unambiguously a wedding: We sent paper invitations, had a catered meal and an open bar, and I wore a big white wedding gown.

On our wedding website, and when asked in person, we said, “No gifts, please” (we have plenty of stuff!), but we also provided a list of our favorite nonprofits if anyone wanted to make a donation. We also planned to make donations in honor of our guests, in lieu of favors, and will share that with folks in our thank-you cards.

As expected, some people gave gifts anyway, some made donations and some wrote lovely cards. All good, right?

Not quite. What has us absolutely befuddled is the number of guests who did nothing at all. These guests spanned generations, so it couldn’t be chalked up to “kids these days” or any sort of age-related etiquette. Many of these are the kinds of folks who regularly write cards and give gifts. It’s enough people that we genuinely wondered whether a pile of cards got lost at the end of the night.

I know we probably just need to let this go, but it rankles. I cannot imagine showing up completely empty-handed to any party -- much less a wedding! -- and not even taking the time to write a basic congratulatory message.

We truly and absolutely do not want gifts, but is it wrong to want people to take five minutes to write a card? Is there any polite way to figure out what the heck happened (and if maybe cards did get lost)? And if not, or if it turns out a whole lot of friends and family just failed to do even the most minimal thing to honor our wedding (and marriage), how do we get over this?

GENTLE READER: Try really, really hard.

Your guests followed your explicit instructions. And as insulting as you seem to find it that they did not also guess at your unstated ones, you have not convinced Miss Manners that a crime was committed.

Perhaps, however, she can ease your mind by offering some reasonable explanations: Some people do not wish to make a donation in someone else’s name to someone else’s charity. Some people are not card writers. And some people saw “No gifts” and stopped reading entirely.

Rather than focus on your very good friends and family who understood the subliminal messaging, you are intent on admonishing the ones who did not. Please get over that.

But if you cannot, the good news is that you seem to have found a life partner who feels similarly. May you two have a long and happy life together focusing on your various grudges.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)