Doctor’s Note: Around the start of a new year, I like to look back and re-answer some older questions as I would if I had received them today. Whenever possible, I answer them without having read my previous response, to see and how my advice has changed in the intervening years.

Welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove: Revisited for 2026…

Today’s letter was originally published on February 19, 2018

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a… situation, which I would appreciate your advice on.

A little more than a month ago, I went on a trip with a good friend (Let’s call her Alice) who I had an interest in romantically. Asked her out on the trip, she said no, we moved on gracefully. So far, so good, and I’ve maintained a close contact with her as friends. (Speaking of, I vastly appreciated your book’s advice how to handle this situation, as I’m sure prior I would have made things awkward). However, as I’m sure you’ve guessed, there are… complications.

First: her (stated, at least) reasons for rejecting me: One, that I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship; two, that she was still hung up on her ex (her first and only serious relationship thus far); three, that she’s going to be moving for work soon. Just in general, she appeared to be careful to leave the door open for “not now, maybe later”, although obviously I’m aware this might be wishful thinking on my part.

Second: While on this trip, I got relatively close to a girl we met. Nothing intimate, just had a great time with her and clicked pretty well. What was interesting is that Alice got noticeably jealous whenever I spent time with this girl, and spent a fair amount of energy trying to “warn me off” of her and/or convince me that she was just toying with me. In general, Alice acted relatively possessive/protective of me over the course of the trip, more than I would expect from a typical friend.

Third: While on this trip, Alice and I had several intimate discussions of the sort I’m not generally acquainted with having outside of relationships (sex, porn, eventual desire for children, detailed discussions of close friends’ relationships and their pitfalls, etc). Her best friend (also my very good friend, who was aware of and encouraged my interest) was surprised when I later told her what we’d talked about; these conversations were apparently well outside Alice’s norm.

All of this is background to the following: Prior to the end of the trip, Alice strongly suggested I take an extended break from dating to work on myself. The period suggested on the break was, conveniently, about long enough for all her time-sensitive personal issues to work themselves out… and more than long enough to eliminate any residual rebound angst. I agreed to it, but now I’m second-guessing myself. I’m not sure I like the idea of submitting myself to a “vetting period”, which I kinda feel like this is. Taking myself out of circulation for another chunk of time feels counter-productive, especially when one of the things I need to work on is how easily I get attached. And I’m worried about developing oneitis even more than I fear I already have.

So, all this being said: Is taking a break a good idea? Am I completely bonkers for interpreting her actions the way I have? And, if I’m right… is this really a sound foundation to build a relationship on, when I’m basically being asked to “prove myself” for this extended time period?

Off The Market

DEAR OFF THE MARKET: I’m going to be honest with you OTM, there’s a lot about Alice’s behavior that sets off my Spidey-sense. She doesn’t want to date you and has a long list of reasons why, but then she apparently got possessive and “protective” when you were flirting with another woman and then, suggested that you “take yourself off the market” for an indeterminate amount of time because you “need to work on yourself”. And while that time off would just “happen” to coincide with at least some of the period of time that she would presumably be unable to date, she also never gave a definitive “we’ll reconsider the question later”.

I’ll be blunt here: this sounds like someone who’s being really overt about keeping you on the hook. Under normal circumstances, I dislike giving credence to concepts like “plate-spinning” or “breadcrumbing”, because people love to use those terms to villainize women for acting like friends. But in this case… frankly, the way she’s acting actually fits the description.

Normally when someone’s trying to backburner you (or whatever cutsey term folks want to use), they’re giving you juuuust enough attention and time to keep you engaged, but otherwise are unavailable. They’re often inconsistent in how available they are – such as regularly making plans but canceling at the last minute, seeming to be “too busy” to see you but always have time for other people or never make definitive plans. You may, for example, find that they talk about getting together “soon” or say give non-committal answers if you ask to spend time with them. They often blow hot and cold; they’re distant and stand-offish when you want to see them, but seem to dial up the charm and attention if you start drifting away. Many times, you only seem to be a priority of theirs when they don’t have other plans. They rely on your availability while rarely returning the favor.

Other signs are lopsided or uneven levels of emotional intimacy or vulnerability, such as if they’re very attentive about sussing out your feelings, plans, desires and ambitions, but are more closed off when it comes to their side of the discussion and keep things to a very surface level. They keep you at arm’s length; you’re rarely a part of their “inner circle” as it were, even if you include them in yours. If you try to seek any sort of clarity or understanding of the nature of your relationship, they brush you off or otherwise give you very vague and non-committal answers. They may remind you of the casual nature of your relationship, even when the time you spend together seems like it should be more intimate and significant.

The fact that you’re feeling unsure and confused about what Alice is doing is a tell; you’re responding to vague promises and hopes, but no real certainty. At a time when you’re worried about oneitis and over-investing in someone – especially someone who hasn’t earned your emotional investment – she’s asking you to stay single because you “need it”. This seems to be counter-productive for your overall goals and needs, and yet the reason you’re considering it is the hope that maybe this will end with her being available and interested in dating you at some nebulous future time.

Now, the thing that bugs me is that she’s not entirely wrong in suggesting that you may want to focus on yourself rather than on dating. People who are prone to oneitis are usually coming from a place of lower self-esteem and scarcity; they’re often worried that their One is the only person who could be right for them, their last and only chance for true happiness. Taking time to work on themselves, build their confidence and sense of value and moving towards an abundance mindset are all great ways of breaking the emotional habits that lead to oneitis.

But this also just happens to coincide with your being interested in someone else… someone who was also apparently quite interested in you as well. This is quite the coincidence. In the words of a simple tailor: I’m a great believer in coincidences; they happen all the time. I just don’t trust them.

All of this sounds like she’s playing a game of “Go Away A Little Closer” to me. All her behavior sounds like someone who wants to keep your time and attention focused on her without any need to reciprocate unless and until she feels like it. It’s the way she tried to wave you away from the other woman and the “you shouldn’t be dating for a while” that really cinches it, in my opinion. It sounds to me like her goal is to make sure that you stay available; she wants you around, but on her terms. Her request is the sort that sounds reasonable, but is ultimately more about benefitting her, rather than you.

Now, maybe I’m overly cynical. Maybe she’s interested in you, but also knows she’s not in a good place to date. But if that’s the case, then she should say so. If she is hopeful that she’ll be in a place where she is ready to date you in the future… well, it’s good to want things, but she – like everyone else – has to accept the distinct possibility that you may have moved on or met someone else by then. It sucks, but that’s life. Trying to set things up to keep you available until then is s--tty, even if the intentions behind it aren’t as underhanded as they seem.

Regardless: you’re single and ready to mingle. She isn’t, and won’t be for a while. If you were deciding to prioritize your emotional growth and well-being for your own sake, I’d say taking a break from dating is a fine idea. But doing it on someone else’s suggestion and in hopes that there’s a payoff for you at the end that goes beyond “being in better emotional shape”? That’s a bad idea all around.

If you’re going to choose to stay single for a while, do it on your own terms and in your own time. But under the current circumstances and with her involvement? Nah, my guy. If you’re gonna roll the dice, roll them on what may come your way, not on this “trial period”.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

Doctor’s Note: Around the start of a new year, I like to look back and re-answer some older questions as I would if I had received them today. Whenever possible, I answer them without having read my previous response, to see and how my advice has changed in the intervening years.

Welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove: Revisited for 2026…

Today’s letter was originally published on August 20, 2020��DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need some help on this subject, as it’s been tormenting me for years upon years and I can’t get out of it. Why does desperation turn away women from men? It doesn’t make sense, especially evolutionary speaking. We are biologically programmed to want sex, so if someone doesn’t get it for a long time, that means they want it more, right?

It frustrates me to no end hearing people I know complain they haven’t had sex for a week and say “OMG I’m so horny and desperate,” yada yada yet they go and get laid easily. I’ve been in a f--king rut for over 5 years and I don’t get what the hell is wrong. I have lots of friends, a good job, I have interesting hobbies, and people tell me I’m well socially calibrated, so there’s no reason I shouldn’t be having so much trouble getting laid. What I am desperate for now is relief in just having this issue understood, so I can get over it and get on with my life.

I don’t even need a relationship or to be dependent on someone. I don’t want to objectify women, I don’t want to go down the PUA route, I certainly don’t want to identify with the incel label because that will get me into deeper s--t and, I really don’t want to end up bitter and hating for women. It doesn’t make sense. Please help, Doc. Thanks,

Dry Spell

DEAR DRY SPELL: Here’s the funny thing about evolution, DS: evolution doesn’t give a s--t about society, relationships or anything other than the continuation of one’s DNA. It certainly doesn’t give a damn about anyone’s happiness, self-esteem or quality of life. Ascribing intent or meaning to evolution and how it affected our biology is precisely the sort of thing that makes evopsych the preferred tool of so many grifters and grievance-peddlers and ultimately no different than religious leaders saying “Because God said so”. It’s an appeal to authority, saying that “this force of nature has decreed this” on something that just happens to align with said bobble-throated grievance-peddler’s agenda.

Or have you not noticed the stunning coincidence in how often evolution seems to be in alignment with certain 20th and 21st century social mores, yet somehow life has gotten by without those for millennia beforehand?

The reason why desperation turns people off – not just women, everyone – is because of the way that people behave when they’re desperate. The word desperation conjures up images of people who are so deprived and in such dire need that the rules and laws that govern society become secondary to fulfilling that need. A person who’s starving may steal food. A heroin addict who’s desperate to get their fix may turn to violence to get the funds to buy drugs. A person who’s “desperate” for sex may – in theory – likewise ignore things like consent or appropriateness of the partner in order to get off.

(I say “in theory” because rape and sexual assault are crimes of violence and power, not lust.)

Just as importantly, someone who’s truly desperate is going to be more focused on finally getting that need met than on other, equally important considerations. It’s not that those considerations don’t matter, it’s that they get in the way of actually meeting that need. The starving person might eat garbage in order to have sheer calories to keep their body going, but in the process give themselves food poisoning or worse. The heroin addict may overdose, buy cut or tainted product or even get the wrong drug entirely and greater harm to themselves.

Someone who’s “desperate” for sex (and the scare quotes are deliberate here; we’ll come back to it) is likely to show equally poor or impaired judgement. They may seek out a potential partner who’s intoxicated and unable to give meaningful consent. They may forgo safe sex practices, risking pregnancy, and contracting or spreading an STI. They may pursue sex in a way that creates greater risk of physical, social or legal consequences for themselves or their erstwhile partner, leaving them in a worse situation than they were before.

But here’s a big, big difference between the examples I mention: someone who’s starving will die if they don’t eat. Their body is increasingly unable to function and will cannibalize itself in order to preserve its life. Heroin is incredibly physically addicting, and withdrawal symptoms are hellacious.

Not having sex, however, is neither life-threatening, nor does a lack of sex cause physical harm or even significant discomfort. People who haven’t had sex in days, weeks or years don’t experience intense cramps, tachycardia, nausea, hallucinations or other symptoms of withdrawal. Their bodies don’t start to turn against themselves until they get their rocks off. Sex may be a drive, yeah, but we survive just fine without it. Your balls might ache, your erections may be uncomfortable and you may have a hard time concentrating… but none of those are going to make it impossible to live your life like normal. People go for decades, even lifetimes without sex without issue.

The issue regarding the desperation for sex tends to be psychological, not physiological. Nobody has died because they haven’t had sex; their bodies didn’t waste away or collapse from the strain of having so much backed up semen.

(In fact, all that build up just gets reabsorbed into the body… but that’s beside the point)

The consequences of the lack of sex are emotional, not physical,  and it almost always has more to do with the person’s self-image, ego and perceived social standing rather than a need for sex-for-sex’s-sake. If it were purely about the need to get off, well, that’s what masturbation is for. Sex toys, including insertion toys like Tenga sleeves, Fleshlights or even sex dolls exist after all, and many offer sensations that the human body can’t replicate.

But for many who insist that they’re desperate, that isn’t enough, because someone else isn’t physically involved. And hey, fair enough… but that’s precisely how you can tell that it’s a psychological need, not a physical one. Your penis, testicles and sperm don’t have flesh-detectors; they aren’t going to refuse to orgasm if you use a sex toy any more than they’ll refuse if you just use your hand. Your brain might get in the way, but not your body.

However, even if we grant that another person must be involved for the sake of argument, then this is still solvable. You may well find someone who’s willing (if not necessarily interested or eager) to have sex if you are willing to forgo attraction or don’t mind finding someone who’s looking for the least objectionable warm body. It’s also a money-soluble problem; sex workers exist, after all, with a spectrum of prices and services. But, again, the people complaining that they’re truly desperate for sex aren’t saving up their money for a wild weekend in Reno, because what they’re looking for isn’t sex but validation. It’s less about the need to orgasm with the help of another person and more about what having sex – and the person they’re having sex with – says about them.

The thing is though, is that this goes both ways, and this is precisely why “desperation” is a turn-off to the people you want to have sex with. When you’re acting desperate, what you’re often doing is telling people that you aren’t interested in them, you’re interested in masturbating using another person, one who has reached the heady heights of “you’ll do”. At the bare minimum, this is incredibly insulting to the person being told “enh, you’re good enough”, and it says a lot about what the other person thinks about them. Even someone who’s horny and actively looking to have sex, someone who’s willing and ready to bang a stranger they just met, doesn’t appreciate feeling like a sex toy with a pulse. It’s incredibly dehumanizing and tends to leave people feeling cheap and used.

At the same time, the sex you’re most likely to have is going to be the most perfunctory and selfish sex possible. Someone who’s in a state of “I’ll take anyone” isn’t going to be a careful and considerate lover, someone who’s going to worship their partner’s body and concern themselves with their partner’s pleasure. They’re going to be focused on fulfilling their own need, with anyone else’s coming a distant second if that.

And not to put too fine a point on it: once that frantic drive to get off is sated, there’s the high likelihood that regret and shame will set in, especially if the desperation has led to them choosing a partner they’re not actually attracted to. That regret and shame often leads to dire consequences for the partner, because those negative feelings often end up being turned outward as much as inward. As many a woman and queer person across the gender spectrum have discovered: there’re few places that’re more dangerous to be than alone with a straight man who just got off.

So when you’re giving off the desperate vibe, not only are you signaling that you’re being less discriminating in your choice of partners than you might be otherwise (and implying that they’re less willing or able to be choosier about who they sleep with) and that the level of risk will be much higher… but even if they’re not at physical or social risk, the sex just won’t even be worth it.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I empathize with you, DS. I understand how frustrating a dry spell can be, especially one that’s gone on for years. I absolutely understand the desire to break that streak by whatever means possible – both for relief and for regaining a sense of control and agency in your own life. But this is precisely why it’s important to think of this in terms of frustration, rather than desperation. This is something you want and want badly, not something that you will experience severe consequences if you continue to go without. Labeling it as frustration is a reminder that this is something you can manage, not a need that will cause unavoidable suffering if you ignore it. It puts control back in your hands and reminds you that this is something you can handle.

It also reminds you of the order of operations to follow. To break that negative streak, you first have to overcome the frustration, so that the frustration doesn’t end up working against you. I know what you’re thinking, so let me stop you right now: this isn’t a catch-22 situation, where you have to get laid in order to get laid. This is about learning how to manage and overcome frustration so that you can achieve your goal.

There are a lot of ways to accomplish this – ways that don’t involve getting your end in at any cost. You can recognize and acknowledge your frustration and push it aside – turning your attention elsewhere, so that you don’t expend the bandwidth on it. This is akin to getting frustrated in a game or puzzle and taking a break to do other things; you are allowing your brain to focus on other things, so that you recoup your energy and emotional capacity that will allow you to succeed later. You can crank one out before going out to be social, so you don’t have that rampant desire clouding your judgement and affecting your behavior. You can even channel that frustration into creative outlets; energy is energy after all, and that energy is fungible. Expending that energy elsewhere frees up your bandwidth and leaves you thinking more clearly and coherently.

The key to any of these methods, however, is that they’re about you. They’re things that are within your locus of control; they don’t require the participation of others. You are treating that frustration, reminding yourself of what you’re capable of, and clearing your head so that you can focus your attention where it should be – on connecting with people on a genuine and authentic level, forming a relationship (whether for a lifetime or just that night) that is mutually beneficial for you both.

When you can come to meeting people and socializing with the mindset of meeting them as people, rather than reducing yourself to just getting your need met, you’re going to have far more success. Otherwise, you’re just going to be getting in your own way and, ironically, increasing your frustration in the attempt to alleviate it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

Doctor’s Note: Around the start of a new year, I like to look back and re-answer some older questions as I would if I had received them today. Whenever possible, I answer them without having read my previous response, to see and how my advice has changed in the intervening years.

Welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove: Revisited for 2026…

Today’s letter was originally published on June 10, 2016��DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been an avid reader of yours for the past few years, and I really like your thoughtful perspective. I was wondering if you could help me with a relationship dilemma. I’m a grad student dating another student in my university, and after six months, things have been getting pretty serious. My boyfriend is intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and incredibly supportive—and he’s made it clear that he sees our relationship heading towards marriage and children. He’s the kind of person who brings by homemade soup when I’m sick, gives amazing pep talks, even watches my dog so I could visit family or present at conferences. I love him, but I’m not as completely certain that he’s “the one.” On one hand, I can definitely see us together long-term—we’re on the same page with life goals, conflict styles, vulnerable and open communication, sex, finances, and even hypothetical parenting styles. We’re compatible in many ways, and one of my favorite things is sitting on the porch in a comfortable silence with him, watching the sunset after a long day of teaching or weekend hike.

But on the other hand, he’s so different from the person I’d always imagined I’d end up with. Because we started out as hiking buddies and were friends well before we started dating, things that I would have deemed deal breakers on a first date didn’t seem to matter. He’s eight years older, not particularly religious, messy, smokes weed a few times a month, has tons of tattoos, and he isn’t quite as ambitious or career-focused. I’m a person of faith, uncomfortable with drugs, obsessively clean, and my degree is significantly more marketable. He’s supportive of my own beliefs, only smokes when I’m not around, and helps me mellow out when I get too uptight about school and work (and I’ve helped him with his job applications), so I know these should be non-issues. But I struggle to dismiss them completely. Is it disingenuous to continue dating him when I’m only about 75-80% sure that we’ll make it work long term?

He’s almost finished with his PhD while I’m still facing another five years of school to get mine — because he’s older, he’s dated more than me and wants to settle down more quickly, most likely while I’ll still be in school. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it does put a little more pressure on me to be sure before he tries to find jobs this year near my next grad program. Is it normal to feel this way in a serious relationship? Am I ethically in the wrong for continuing to be with him when I’m not 100% certain? He’s so supportive, so I feel terrible for having lingering doubts about issues that seem shallower.

-Of Two Minds

DEAR OF TWO MINDS: Hey, two minds, two important things for you to consider! It’s like poetry, it rhymes!

Here’s the first thing for you, OTM: no plan survives contact with the enemy. Or to put it another way: man plans, and the gods laugh. That’s as true in love as much as it is in war; just because you have certain expectations or think that you have a particular type doesn’t mean that you can only fall for that type. Or even that your “perfect” partner is actually right for you.

In fact, this is one of the problems with dating apps that aren’t due to rampant ens--ttification and late-stage capitalism: it’s easy to get so focused on what you think you want that you miss out on serendipity. I know many, many couples who have been madly in love for years or even decades, but only because they met in person. On paper, they don’t seem like they would be “right” for one another, and they almost certainly would never have gotten together if they’d met on a dating app. But the fact that they met in the physical world – through friends, through work, through sheer dumb blind luck – they found that they clicked in ways that they would never have expected. Because they took a chance when they felt that click, they found someone they never realized they could be happy with. And yet, here they are, like multiple pairs of disgustingly adorable lovebirds, billing and cooing (and occasionally screaming) at one another.

Sounds to me like you and your beau are the same; he may not be the match you thought you needed on paper, but in person, those deal breakers just don’t apply to him. Maybe those deal breakers aren’t as deal-break-y as you thought they were, or maybe it’s just him – he’s just someone who can mitigate those deal breakers and make them less important than all the great things he brings to the relationship.

And honestly, that’s part of how we make relationships work; we love so much of what we do get from our partners that the things we don’t care for simply don’t matter as much. In some cases, those quirks and flaws become part of why we care so much for them. It’s what makes them uniquely them, and we’d actually miss those little frustrations and annoyances if they were gone.

So, yeah, maybe he’s not your perfect match… but could you honestly picture him and loving him as much as you do without the little differences? Would he still be that same wonderful guy without those parts that offset and highlight his great qualities by contrast?

Probably not. But that’s going to be true of everyone you date. There’s no The One because nobody is perfect and settling down means a certain amount of settling for. Nobody gets 100% of what they want, because no single person can do that. So, recognizing that perfect people don’t exist, we choose people who give us what’s important to us, what we need from our partners and we love what we do get so much that we see the 20% or 35% we don’t get as being well worth giving up in exchange.

Now the second thing for you to consider: no good comes from borrowing trouble from the future. You’re so busy focused on what may or may not come that it’s taking away from what you have now. And I am here from the Days of Future Past to tell you with certainty: if you let your worry about a future get in the way of your present, you’re guaranteeing misery in the here and now and doubling it in the future when you look back and realize how much you missed out on because you were so busy worrying.

You love him. You’re happy with him in the here and now. You are aligned in all the really important ways, the ones that matter. That’s no small thing, and certainly nothing to toss aside simply because you’re not 100% sure.

But hey, let me put it to you this way: if I offered to sell you a lottery ticket for $10, and guaranteed you that this lottery ticket had a 70% chance of winning the million-dollar jackpot, would you buy that ticket?

I’m betting that you would’ve shoved ten bucks in my hand before I even finished the sales pitch.

70%-80% odds of success are incredible f--king odds. They’re the sort of odds that people would think you’re bats--t for not leaping on like a duck on a Junebug. 70-80% odds of your relationship working? THAT sounds like a bet that’s well worth taking.

Passing that up because it’s not 100%? I think that would be the bigger mistake.

But that’s just me. You have to decide if you’re willing to roll those particular dice yourself. But like I said… the odds sound like they’re absolutely in your favor.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com