DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am getting married in a traditional church ceremony. My father, who will be giving me away, has refused to wear a tuxedo on the grounds that it is a “monkey suit,” even though all of the other men in the wedding party will be wearing one.

I gave in, because I want him to be happy and comfortable. Now he says he will not wear a tie, either. My mother and I have tricked him into wearing a nice new silk jacket and haven’t mentioned anything about him wearing shoes other than sneakers ... yet. I would give in again if I thought he was actually going to be in any real pain, but I can’t see how wearing a tie for an hour is painful.

The real problem is that he hates wearing formal clothes. I feel like his refusal to wear a tux or tie demonstrates a lack of respect for what is, to me, a deeply important formal ceremony. It feels like he cares more about not wearing formal clothes than he does about his daughter.

When I mentioned to my mother that I was unhappy about his decision, I was told an anecdote that implied that I cared more about clothes and appearances than about my father, who loves me, and that I should just take what I can get and let the rest go.

Am I really being that unreasonable?

GENTLE READER: The person who cares too much about clothes is your father.

He cares desperately about what he wears, to the extent of upsetting his beloved daughter on a unique and special occasion.

Like you, he considers formal clothes to be symbolic. But while you interpret formality as a show of respect and festivity, he believes it symbolizes snobbery. Your version is indeed the standard one, but his is typical of a (mostly male) minority.

Miss Manners agrees that one of you should put aside those feelings simply to indulge the strongly held feelings of the other, however wrong you consider them to be. Someone has to be the grown-up here. One would expect a father to do this for his daughter, especially for one hour at her wedding. But as yours refuses, you are stuck with rising above the childishness.

If guests are startled -- or, more likely, amused -- at your father’s being tieless and wearing sneakers, that is his problem. He may not care about their reactions, or he may take pride in defying the dress code.

You might, however, warn him that his act of rebellion might be interpreted as disapproval of the wedding.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I remember reading about olden invitation cards that might say, “Tea at 5, carriages at 7:30.”

GENTLE READER: Yes, it was a polite way of saying, "Don’t think you’re staying for dinner."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it in bad taste to throw yourself a baby shower?

GENTLE READER: Yes, whether you are the baby, the embryo or the mother. And that goes for the mother’s mother, and anyone else in the family.

Sadly, hosting one's own (or one's relative's) shower emphasizes that there are no friends who care enough to do it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I got married recently. It is a second marriage for both of us, but our first weddings were two decades ago, and we wanted to have a special event that really felt like a wedding.

We paid for the whole thing ourselves. It was simple and relatively small, but it was definitely and unambiguously a wedding: We sent paper invitations, had a catered meal and an open bar, and I wore a big white wedding gown.

On our wedding website, and when asked in person, we said, “No gifts, please” (we have plenty of stuff!), but we also provided a list of our favorite nonprofits if anyone wanted to make a donation. We also planned to make donations in honor of our guests, in lieu of favors, and will share that with folks in our thank-you cards.

As expected, some people gave gifts anyway, some made donations and some wrote lovely cards. All good, right?

Not quite. What has us absolutely befuddled is the number of guests who did nothing at all. These guests spanned generations, so it couldn’t be chalked up to “kids these days” or any sort of age-related etiquette. Many of these are the kinds of folks who regularly write cards and give gifts. It’s enough people that we genuinely wondered whether a pile of cards got lost at the end of the night.

I know we probably just need to let this go, but it rankles. I cannot imagine showing up completely empty-handed to any party -- much less a wedding! -- and not even taking the time to write a basic congratulatory message.

We truly and absolutely do not want gifts, but is it wrong to want people to take five minutes to write a card? Is there any polite way to figure out what the heck happened (and if maybe cards did get lost)? And if not, or if it turns out a whole lot of friends and family just failed to do even the most minimal thing to honor our wedding (and marriage), how do we get over this?

GENTLE READER: Try really, really hard.

Your guests followed your explicit instructions. And as insulting as you seem to find it that they did not also guess at your unstated ones, you have not convinced Miss Manners that a crime was committed.

Perhaps, however, she can ease your mind by offering some reasonable explanations: Some people do not wish to make a donation in someone else’s name to someone else’s charity. Some people are not card writers. And some people saw “No gifts” and stopped reading entirely.

Rather than focus on your very good friends and family who understood the subliminal messaging, you are intent on admonishing the ones who did not. Please get over that.

But if you cannot, the good news is that you seem to have found a life partner who feels similarly. May you two have a long and happy life together focusing on your various grudges.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What degree of formality is proper for a musician at an afternoon concert?

As a performer of a certain age, I have seen everything from tailored dresses to gowns glittering with beads and spangles -- and for men, anything from the most casual outfits to formal wear. Length of skirt no longer seems to matter, as the skimpiest dresses go to formal affairs and full-length granny dresses are seen at the grocery store at 9 a.m.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps dress length feels irrelevant in terms of fashion (although Miss Manners will still quibble with your more extreme examples), but it is certainly relevant in terms of function -- especially for a musician.

Skimpy dresses do not play well with harps, cellos and basses. Knees should be well-covered, no matter what time of day, unless the performer is planning a secondary show.

For an afternoon event, tea-length (something that falls around midcalf) is expected for women in dressy day fabrics (silk, organza, cotton with some sheen), while daytime suits are expected for men (in gray, black or navy fabrics with no sheen).

The point is for clothes to be polished, neutral, functional and free from distraction. The music should be the focal point, not glittery things that catch the light and blind the conductor -- and certainly not the exposed undergarments of the performers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On occasion, my husband and I visit local restaurants. When I go to wash my hands in the ladies' room, I often find that the sinks and floors need attention.

I leave, hands unwashed, and tell the nearest employee that the ladies’ room needs attention. I usually also find the manager. On occasion, nothing happens, and I have to rely on the prepackaged “wet naps” that I carry in my purse to sanitize my hands.

Even if the room is clean, I avoid using the door handle when exiting. I wait for another lady to leave, and follow her closely, using my elbows to manage the door.

What, oh dear, if I needed that facility for more than washing my hands or powdering my nose? I have quickly left restaurants with my husband when no one attends the facility. What might I say to the manager, other than “I need to use your ladies' room, NOW, and it is too dirty to use”?

What should I do? Even in perfectly lovely restaurants, this happens. What is happening to the world? Yes, I have dined in D.C. and have found the same issue.

GENTLE READER: That was not Miss Manners’ next question, actually, but OK.

Far be it for her to be in the position of defending a dirty bathroom, but she cannot help noticing that your standards are quite high. And that the ladies you are "following closely," with your elbows all akimbo, might have something to say about your solution.

If none of the bathrooms -- be the restaurants lovely, local and/or in D.C. -- are up to your standards, you may want to eat at home. Although the industry can always take note and do better.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)