DEAR MISS MANNERS: What degree of formality is proper for a musician at an afternoon concert?

As a performer of a certain age, I have seen everything from tailored dresses to gowns glittering with beads and spangles -- and for men, anything from the most casual outfits to formal wear. Length of skirt no longer seems to matter, as the skimpiest dresses go to formal affairs and full-length granny dresses are seen at the grocery store at 9 a.m.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps dress length feels irrelevant in terms of fashion (although Miss Manners will still quibble with your more extreme examples), but it is certainly relevant in terms of function -- especially for a musician.

Skimpy dresses do not play well with harps, cellos and basses. Knees should be well-covered, no matter what time of day, unless the performer is planning a secondary show.

For an afternoon event, tea-length (something that falls around midcalf) is expected for women in dressy day fabrics (silk, organza, cotton with some sheen), while daytime suits are expected for men (in gray, black or navy fabrics with no sheen).

The point is for clothes to be polished, neutral, functional and free from distraction. The music should be the focal point, not glittery things that catch the light and blind the conductor -- and certainly not the exposed undergarments of the performers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On occasion, my husband and I visit local restaurants. When I go to wash my hands in the ladies' room, I often find that the sinks and floors need attention.

I leave, hands unwashed, and tell the nearest employee that the ladies’ room needs attention. I usually also find the manager. On occasion, nothing happens, and I have to rely on the prepackaged “wet naps” that I carry in my purse to sanitize my hands.

Even if the room is clean, I avoid using the door handle when exiting. I wait for another lady to leave, and follow her closely, using my elbows to manage the door.

What, oh dear, if I needed that facility for more than washing my hands or powdering my nose? I have quickly left restaurants with my husband when no one attends the facility. What might I say to the manager, other than “I need to use your ladies' room, NOW, and it is too dirty to use”?

What should I do? Even in perfectly lovely restaurants, this happens. What is happening to the world? Yes, I have dined in D.C. and have found the same issue.

GENTLE READER: That was not Miss Manners’ next question, actually, but OK.

Far be it for her to be in the position of defending a dirty bathroom, but she cannot help noticing that your standards are quite high. And that the ladies you are "following closely," with your elbows all akimbo, might have something to say about your solution.

If none of the bathrooms -- be the restaurants lovely, local and/or in D.C. -- are up to your standards, you may want to eat at home. Although the industry can always take note and do better.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Elevators have been in existence, I believe, for more than 150 years, but there does not seem to be a system of accepted manners related to them.

It is true that we no longer dance around in the elevator so as to allow all the women to get out before the men. There is, however, pandemonium on first floors, when people wishing to board will not wait for occupants to get off. The expressions on their faces indicate they are astonished to find that the machine contains passengers!

I am going to give you my solution and petition you for approval of my actions, which I believe will correct the problem over time.

I am a 6-foot man, and when I stick out my elbows, I pretty much fill the space between the doors. When the doors open, if I note any inclination for those outside to crowd in, I spread my arms and say in a loud voice, “It is not polite to crowd in when people are coming out.”

Do I have your approval for this behavior, and do you think it will prove to be effective?

GENTLE READER: You do not -- firstly, because you are going to elbow some unsuspecting person in the face, and secondly, because it is rude to correct another’s manners.

Both problems can be avoided if you instead say, “Excuse us, people coming out, please.” If the announcement is made in a booming voice, it will be surprising enough to render the physical barrier of sticking out your arms unnecessary.

Even so, Miss Manners does not see this solving the problem everywhere and for all time, unless you plan to spend an awful lot of time in elevators.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once a month, my grandmother hosts a group of friends at her house for a chat and an afternoon tea. She loves the company and the catch-up, as they are all older and can’t get out much, especially since COVID.

I noticed one guest is very snippety and degrading to the rest of the group, but my grandmother says it isn’t her place to say anything.

I noticed the group declining in numbers and coming up with reasons not to come. My grandmother is angry at her friends for not coming over. I gently hint that if someone is being rude, and the hostess does not ask them to be more mindful, then yes, people will stop coming.

However, she tells me I am wrong and that a hostess doesn’t tell anyone to, in my generation’s words, “stay in their lane.”

How can I get my grandmother to understand this before she loses the friends altogether?

GENTLE READER: Forgive this grandmother for not understanding what you are asking yours to do. Miss Manners hopes it is not to commit the unpardonable rudeness of calling out a guest’s rudeness to her face. (The guest’s face, that is. Once the guest is gone, you are free to try to convince your grandmother that this guest is scaring away her other friends.)

You might be more successful if you say that that person is not to everyone’s taste, and perhaps Grandmama can socialize with her one-on-one and convene a more like-minded group for afternoon teas.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Nearly three decades ago, my husband committed a serious crime. He faced the consequences, served his sentence, and has since built a quiet, responsible life. He has taken full accountability and has worked hard to be a devoted husband and Christian.

Yet even after all these years, whenever his past comes up -- whether whispered by neighbors or bluntly raised by acquaintances -- people seem to see only the crime, not the person he has become. Some act as if it is their right to question me about it, while others avoid us altogether.

How can I respond with dignity when people insist on defining my husband by a mistake from decades ago, instead of by the life he has built since?

GENTLE READER: It perplexes Miss Manners how many people adore “Les Miserables” without being upset by its central accusation: that it is the rankest hypocrisy for society to equate serving one’s time with forgiveness.

But even if society were genuinely forgiving, there are many types of serious crimes. Being forgiven by society and being forgiven by one’s victims are different matters.

It is a simple matter to preserve your dignity with former victims of your husband’s crime who now wish to maintain their distance: Respect that wish. For those who wish to confront you, depending on how they do so, it may be necessary to create some distance -- with as much respect and humility as you can muster.

This does not apply to the merely curious. They are simply being rude, which means that it is time to excuse yourself from the conversation.

Note the fundamental difference in what Miss Manners is saying from what you asked: While it is laudable that your husband’s behavior has changed, there is no need to invite people to judge your husband on his behavior, past or present -- and Miss Manners is cynical enough to think that no good will come of doing so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Here’s a moment that has bothered me for decades. When I was an unworldly 20-something male visiting Manhattan for the first time, a friend and I dined at an upscale restaurant. It was my first time at a place like that.

Our waiter brought a generous tray of olives and celery sticks to the table and then disappeared for a long while. I ate an unpitted olive and then realized there was no dish on which to place the pit. I didn’t want to deposit it on the fine white tablecloth or toss it back with the other olives. We debated what to do and finally decided I should simply throw it under the table onto the floor.

Yes, I know. Gross. What should I have done? Put it in my pocket?

GENTLE READER: You could have wrapped it in a handkerchief, tissue or napkin. Or if it was bothering you that much, you could have made a special trip to the bathroom and disposed of it there.

But if this has been on your mind for decades, Miss Manners wonders how you have resisted going back to see if it is still where you left it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)