DEAR MISS MANNERS: A couple of times now, colleagues have mentioned to me that they are taking a day or a half-day off to undergo medical tests, without giving details. What is an appropriate response, given that they have volunteered this information?

I have settled for responding with, "I hope everything is OK." Is there a better response that acknowledges what they've said -- I don't want to seem uncaring -- without implying that I'm asking what the tests are for?

GENTLE READER: Half the people who tell you about their upcoming tests will be offended if you do not inquire further -- and half will be offended if you do.

The proper response is therefore to stall for time while you determine which type they are. "Is there anything you need me to check on while you are out?" mirrors your colleague's ambiguity about whether this conversation is personal or professional -- while also, Miss Manners notes, being unclear about how much of their work they can dump on you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some members of my husband's family are always late. Because of this, we have ended up sitting in restaurants for over half an hour, waiting outside a theater, missing the beginning of tours or excursions, going to their place for Sunday dinner at 6 but not eating until 8, etc.

The relatives who cause these situations have absolutely zero sense of time. We learned long ago not to ride with them to weddings or surprise parties.

To get around this, I think it's best to lie: to tell them dinner is at 6, when it's really at 6:45, or that the movie starts at 8 (actually 8:30). My husband disagrees with this method, but the constant waiting is getting really old. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Is your husband's objection moral or practical?

You could handle a moral objection by saying, "We have to be there by ..." instead of "it starts at ..."

If you are found out, Miss Manners is perfectly willing to have you apologize to the relatives for having mistakenly given them the wrong impression. She just does not think anyone will believe it if repeated too often.

In future, either plan events for which the start time is not important, or tell them you will meet them inside the theater.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's family lives in different areas of the country, and we see them a few times a year. He likes to invite them to a local restaurant at our expense.

It is left up to me to find a nice restaurant and make the reservations. It could be a group as large as a dozen people. Why is it so difficult to get a response from them -- a simple yes or no?

I feel terrible making a reservation for a dozen people and then, on the day of the dinner, having to change the number.

Any suggestions to make this go a little smoother and keep my blood pressure down?

GENTLE READER: It's not just your husband's family. Apparently it is nearly everybody. Miss Manners is deluged with complaints from hosts who cannot get firm commitments from their guests.

They hedge, or they don't respond at all. They accept but do not attend, or decline but show up anyway -- sometimes with guests of their own.

All they have to do is decide whether they want to attend, inform the host of their decision (with thanks) and then do it, unless there is a death in the family.

Why is that so hard?

It should be noted that when the event is at a restaurant, or catered, as a wedding may be, some people make the mistake of thinking a head count is not important. Of course it is. The hosts are likely to be charged for no-shows.

But beyond that, treating an offer of hospitality like that is insulting. Someone has expressed a desire to see you and is willing to go to some trouble to entertain you. Failure to treat that overture as important, whether or not you accept the invitation, is a clear statement that the host means nothing to you.

Please forgive this rant. You know what they should do; the problem is that they don't. And we need to get your blood pressure down.

Can you stick your husband with this job? It's his family. Or you could pick one of the relatives, possibly the most negligent one, and issue a deadline by which that person should give the restaurant a final count directly. If nobody shows up one year, it will be a lesson learned.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter became engaged, and I joined her for several visits to bridal salons to look at wedding dresses. At each salon, the woman assisting us introduced herself, then offered congratulations to my daughter on her engagement.

I have always understood that one offers congratulations to a groom-to-be on his good fortune at being accepted by such a lovely lady. But saying "congratulations" to a lady implies that she is lucky to have found someone who would marry her.

I always say "best wishes" to the affianced lady, but somehow that does not seem sufficiently heartfelt these days. What is proper?

GENTLE READER: Proper-proper, as in a distinction only you and Miss Manners remember and follow? One that, if not followed, does no harm?

Yes, "best wishes" is proper. And the premise was exactly as you describe, which may explain why it has fallen out of use.

If you think "best wishes" is not enough, you could add "for your happiness."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Inevitably, at the start of every semester, a professor will introduce themselves and ask the class to call them by their first name.

I was raised to believe that elders, especially teachers, deserve respect, and that addressing them by their first name is very rude. As a result, I am uncomfortable doing this, and tend to just address them as "Um."

Should I just put my discomfort aside and use first names, or should I stick to calling them Mr./Ms. regardless of what they asked to be called?

GENTLE READER: What these professors intend to convey puzzles Miss Manners.

That you are all equals? Hardly. Equals cannot flunk one another. And while professors should be open to informed challenges from students, they are presumably more knowledgeable about the subject -- otherwise, the students are wasting their tuition.

Perhaps it is to assert that they are young and -- to use the old-fashioned expression -- "with it." Can they be sure that the students are not snickering at that claim? Anyway, voluntarily forgoing respect is not a youthful attribute.

But your question is how to deal with it. Try just saying "professor," but without the surname, so it is descriptive rather than a title. Or if you really want to make the point, you could use "sir" or "madam."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Without being rude, how do I convey to my adult, employed children that it is OK for them to pick up the tab once in a while when grabbing a meal of convenience?

I'm not talking about an invitation to dinner, but the times when, after a long day of whatever, we decide to order delivery together. Or when we are out shopping and it gets to be lunchtime. They have this general expectation that the elder will pay the bill.

We can all afford it, but I am bothered by the unspoken expectation because it seems that sharing the responsibility is part of being an adult.

GENTLE READER: First, strive to cease feeling bothered. Most grown children have had a lifetime of their parents' paying the bills, and while some are happy to treat them, others may not have given it any thought.

At the next such occasion, Miss Manners suggests your saying pleasantly, "Why don't you get this one?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I live in a reasonably spacious home with two guest rooms. We get lots of out-of-town visitors, whom we love to accommodate and entertain. They always tell us their arrival date, but very seldom am I informed of their departure plans.

Is it polite to ask when they plan to leave so that we can prepare for the next guests? What would be a polite way to present this question?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, you cannot really tell guests who are in your house when to leave. Fortunately, you can tell them before they arrive.

When issuing overnight invitations, Miss Manners strongly recommends mentioning the dates, as in, "We'd love to have you come and stay with us from the 10th to the 13th." As for those who invite themselves, and whose arrival dates you accept, you can add, "I hope you'll stay until that Monday."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)