DEAR MISS MANNERS: When female friends and family members come to visit, they almost always put their purses on my kitchen counter. I find this horrifying, given that few things (except maybe the soles of shoes) are filthier than purses -- having been on floors and other unclean surfaces everywhere, and having never been cleaned or disinfected.

How can I politely get across the sentiment, "Please don't put that filthy (or another 'F' word) thing on the surface where I prepare food"?

GENTLE READER: By welcoming your guests in your living room before moving into the kitchen.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I politely tell my friends and family I do not want to socialize online? I love them, but I don't have much in common with them since the pandemic started.

I am a public librarian who has been required to work indoors with the public through most of the pandemic. In addition to doing our regular jobs, my colleagues and I have been tasked with asking customers to put on or pull up their masks and, for several months, to limit their stay to 30 minutes, all while worrying about our own exposure in an indoor space full of shared surfaces.

We have often been the targets of frustrated customers who did not want to wear masks or were angry that they couldn't stay beyond 30 minutes. To top it off, we were not eligible to receive the vaccine until after many people in "work from home" professions were given priority.

I have found myself unable to enjoy online social gatherings because those in my social circle have been working from home for over a year. The jokes about wearing sweatpants all day and statements such as "Now that we're all venturing out again ..." are getting old.

We are not all "venturing out again." Some of us have been out this entire time, working and hoping not to die.

I have many friends who are now embarking on wonderful vacations, even though they have still not set foot back in their offices. Meanwhile, I have a hard time getting vacation days because the library is open seven days a week, and we are always stretched thin on staff.

How should I politely decline online and other social requests when the truth is I just can't stand the assumptions that we've all been staying at home for a year or more?

GENTLE READER: Burnout has, unfortunately, inflamed your social responses.

Normally, you would remember how easy it is to decline a social invitation with thanks, but without excuses. Or you would presume that your friends would be interested in what you have to say, and take the opportunity to explain to them that their experiences are not universal.

But Miss Manners recognizes that you have developed an unreasonable grudge against those who have had an easier time of it than you. Please recognize how futile this is. It is as if someone who had been on a ventilator, or who had lost a relative, accused you of having it easy.

By all means, take whatever alone time you need. But not at the expense of your friends, with whom you may eventually be glad to reconnect.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When did women lose the right to say, "Unhand me, you cad"? To be clear, I am not blaming the victims of groping or assault. I just want to know: What changed?

Our grandmothers would not have stood for the gaslighting attempted by today's powerful and entitled men. I was taught from a young age never to put my hands on anyone, or to allow it from other people; physical touch outside immediate family and intimate friends was considered insufferably declasse. The lines were very clearly drawn.

Now it seems that the price of employment and advancement is being fondled. My own "Unhand me, you cad" moments were 30 years ago, and I didn't hesitate. What's changed? Am I just hopelessly old-fashioned?

GENTLE READER: Did those cads have any power over your livelihood? Were those grandmothers the employees or subordinates of their molesters?

Some who were did, nevertheless, fight back openly. When the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a student, her reaction to an offending professor was a loud "How dare you?" That is still a useful phrase, and Miss Manners does not consider that its old-fashioned sound makes it in any way hopeless.

But she would like you to feel some sympathy for victims struggling to overcome considerable intimidation. It is brave of an increasing number to do so, despite the sometimes horrendous consequences.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife was hospitalized for over a week. (She's fine now.) I received calls from several of her friends, asking if there was anything at all they could do.

I responded by saying yes -- dirty laundry is piling up, the bed is unmade, dirty dishes are in the sink, and I need groceries. Everyone demurred.

At 93, was I wrong to answer them honestly? Why do people ask that question when they don't really mean it? Were they merely trying to show concern?

GENTLE READER: Not only did you snap at your wife's well-wishers, but you made it embarrassingly clear that that poor soul is taxed with all the household work, and that what you miss is being waited upon.

Miss Manners agrees that it is better for people who want to help to be specific -- asking whether, for example, they could drop off food or run errands -- in order to overcome the reluctance of polite people to impose, even when in need.

Evidently, you are not one of those people. To meet kind intentions with the suggestion that your wife's friends become drudges because you choose not to handle the simple tasks of everyday life both insults them and reveals a great deal about you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Just wondering if it is proper etiquette for the groom's mother (who is paying for nothing for the wedding) to provide a wedding cake in the shape of a chef's coat. The groom is a chef, the bride is not.

I am the MOB who has been forbidden to discuss this with the MOG.

GENTLE READER: Forbidden by whom -- your daughter, who doesn't mind, or who can't see that it is worth fussing about?

Then don't. Or call it the Groom's Cake and supply another pastry in the form of your daughter's career.

Contrary to custom, weddings are not a good time to begin family hostilities. And Miss Manners suggests you drop the notion that these events provide the opportunity to purchase privileges.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've had a difficult relationship with my half-sister for over a decade now. After much pestering from her, I finally admitted the reason I don't talk to her father anymore (a mixture of abuse and general dislike of him as a person). I've also let her know that I am on the autism spectrum and am nonbinary.

Each admission has been met with claims that I'm either making it up for attention, or a blunt "I don't really care about stuff like that." In terms of coming out, it's not an ideal reaction, but better than many of the alternatives.

The issue now is that she's asked me if I want to come to her wedding, which is also my own five-year wedding anniversary.

I do want to see her and support her on her big day. But she doesn't respect my pronouns or believe me when I tell her the reasons I don't want to see these relatives, who have ranged from creepy -- a grandfather telling me at 10 that I looked "sexy" the one and only time I ever wore a two-piece bathing suit -- to downright abusive -- forced affection, like being pinned down on the floor until I agreed to hug.

Further complicating things is that I'm not "out" to family members, despite having gone by my nickname since I was 12 and my wife having transitioned since our wedding.

My wife doesn't want to go to the other side of the country because she hates traveling, and I don't want to go spend a weekend as a "girl" who is told to forgive my relatives for things they have never apologized for, simply because it's "the right thing to do." I also don't want to explain who I am to people who haven't bothered to contact me since I was 13: "Yes, I'm on the autism spectrum. No, I'm not confused; I can be both asexual and polyamorous. Yes, that's my name, and no, having pronouns on my profile page isn't a joke."

Is there a good way that doesn't involve invoking COVID to gracefully tell my half-sister I cannot attend? I'm her only sibling, and I know it hurts her that her family is, in her words, "broken." At the same time, I don't know if I can go through a weekend of pretending to be a girl, when I'm not and never have been.

GENTLE READER: If COVID will not do, perhaps you can upgrade your wife's travel reluctance to a similar health concern. Unfortunately, your only other options are to try again with your sister or endure the family's scrutiny and misinformation.

It is with irony that Miss Manners therefore suggests illness as a far safer alternative.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If one receives an engagement announcement, should you assume you are invited to the wedding? Should one send an engagement gift as well?

GENTLE READER: While doing the latter may well influence the status of the former, neither transaction is mandatory.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)