DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last year I started an annual, seasonal job that I will be returning to soon. I got on especially well with my desk neighbor, as we have a lot in common. For example, we are both highly sensitive to fragrances and things like shirt tags and sock seams. We also share a propensity for saving items that most people would discard, like cardboard boxes, in case we might find a use for them at a later date.

One day, I walked into work and saw two very outdated shirts on her desk. She announced she had no use for them and brought them in to see if I might want them. At the time, I thought my reply would surely be approved by Miss Manners. It was something like:

”Thank you for thinking of me. I always appreciate an offer of free clothes, and that is indeed a very high-quality brand. In fact, I, too, have a shirt of that brand that I never wear, but cannot bring myself to get rid of. Ha ha! Unfortunately, I have to be honest and admit I would never wear them, as I wear T-shirts for comfort everywhere but the office, and I really cannot pull off wearing that color. I would hate for these good-quality shirts to be wasted when they may be exactly what someone shopping at a thrift store is looking for. I do really appreciate the offer, though."

Two or three co-workers overheard the exchange, and I suspect they thought I was just being tactful (or pompous). But as a fellow pack-rat, I know how important it feels to have items be put to good use.

I almost immediately regretted my response. I fear that I may have squashed a sprouting friendship. I hope that when we return, we may become friends, or at least lunch buddies. It may well have been no big deal to her, but I don't want to be obliviously friendly if she is inwardly bothered.

Should I just casually comment that I hope she found a good home for those shirts and I regret not having use for them -- and by the way, that was really nice of her to offer them? Or should I just let what happened in 2020 stay in 2020?

GENTLE READER: The latter. Even if your co-worker had nothing better to brood about during a pandemic year, you have no evidence of her being offended.

If anyone was looking for insult, it might be you. "These don't meet my standards, but maybe yours are lower" is not a present and does not have to be treated as such. Not that Miss Manners is looking for a fight, or trying to negate your response. If you detect pouting and resentment, you can try offering your casual approach of bringing it up again. But otherwise, steer clear of it -- and of her future efforts to clean house.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I find the phrase "shut up" to be hostile, aggressive and just demoralizing. Are there any situations where it is OK to say it?

GENTLE READER: "Shut up the house before the storm hits, Pa!”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've just completed my second vaccination shot for COVID-19 and, though I feel lucky and relieved, I've dealt with much resentment from others who have not been able to receive their shots yet.

I've been asked such questions as, "Who did you have to bribe?” or "What makes you so special?” and the like, all of which have been insulting and hurtful. It makes me sound as if I barged my way to the head of the line or pulled strings, which I didn't. How should I deal with snarky remarks over something that I should be happy about?

GENTLE READER: Pretending not to understand is one of Miss Manners' favorite techniques for countering rudeness. "Surely,” her quizzical look is meant to convey, "you cannot have meant to accuse me of fraud. I must have misheard you.”

It is particularly effective in deflating those who think they are being charming, funny or genuine, as it demonstrates that you were neither charmed nor amused nor impressed by their inconsiderate honesty. And it avoids the bother of having to take offense at casually offensive behavior.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am about to get a doctorate degree, and I am the first in my immediate family to attend graduate school. The school has just announced that each graduate can have two guests at the ceremony.

I'd like to invite my mom and my sister, whom I feel have been the most supportive and interested people during my years in graduate school. When I told my mom this, though, she was upset that I didn't want to invite my stepfather and said he would be heartbroken.

My stepdad and I aren't close, he isn't paying for my school (I am), and he hasn't expressed much interest in my classes other than conversation filler at holiday events. My sister and I went through a long period of not speaking, so she wasn't invited to any of my prior graduations, whereas my stepfather has been at all of them. He did graduate from the same school where I'll receive my diploma -- albeit his degree was a bachelor's in another field -- but other than that, he isn't really involved with my accomplishment.

Am I obligated to invite my stepfather to my graduation instead of my sister? Will inviting him to an at-home graduation party suffice?

GENTLE READER: Even if etiquette were inclined to rank family members, that would not solve your problem, which is how to assure your mother that your stepfather would not actually feel slighted. Miss Manners states the problem thus not merely because it is accurate, but because it suggests a solution.

Tell your stepfather how sorry you are not to have a third ticket for him, and that you know he will understand that your past history with your sister makes it imperative that you invite her. Even if it turns out that your stepfather did want to go, he will have to give his blessing when so approached. And once you have your stepfather's acquiescence, your mother's will follow.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am happy that our 21-year-old son still lives with us. He is our only child, and his father and I are not eager to be empty-nesters at this point. We enjoy his company.

He is an extremely hard worker, putting in long hours running a division of the family business, and he leaves for work around 4:30 a.m. As his neatnik mother, I make his bed for him most days (though he DOES know how). When he arrives home, it's neat and tidy.

Miss Manners, my issue is with his girlfriend, who spends a few nights here each week. I like her, and as they are both adults, I am OK with this arrangement.

I know that when she arrives, the bed is made nicely. However, when they leave together in the morning, the bed is either left unmade or haphazardly thrown together. Also, her empty or half-empty beverage containers are left on the dresser.

I have occasionally given them both a friendly reminder about making the bed. As she is a guest, is it unreasonable that I should expect her to make up the bed as it was? At least she could suggest to my son that they do so together. Perhaps I'm old-fashioned. Are my expectations reasonable? Is there a gracious way for me to let my feelings be known?

GENTLE READER: Have you tried just asking them to shut the door after themselves?

As more adult children continue to live with their parents, confusion has naturally arisen over the etiquette. Your son is not a guest, but neither is he a child. His girlfriend's presence increases the confusion.

Miss Manners is gently indifferent to whether or not you continue to make your son's bed, but is clear on some points:

First, an adult child is expected to exercise the empathy and judgment of the former, not the latter. That means your son should be expressing occasional gratitude if you make his bed -- or getting your assent that, as it is his room, it is his decision to leave it unmade -- and doing what he can to be helpful around the house.

Second, the girlfriend is a long-term guest, which means that she, too, should offer to help out. The way to establish an understanding is to discuss your mutual expectations and obligations with your son, leaving him with the job of telling her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the manners about answering text messages? We cannot always respond right away, but shouldn't some response be warranted? I see that some of my recipients have "read” my message, but they do not respond. A quick acknowledgment would be nice, or is it not needed?

GENTLE READER: Not all communications require an answer: You do not have to return a call from a salesman trying to sell you something. But those that do require responses do so irrespective of the technology. Two responses -- telling the initiator that you have seen their message and will respond later, and then doing so -- are only required if you cannot respond in a timely manner. Miss Manners does not, however, agree that timely and instantaneous are the same thing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)