DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been requested to serve as witness to my gay BFF’s online wedding, which I gleefully accepted. However, I am slightly stressed out about how I should physically present myself on the videoconference.

I asked the groom if I should bathe, doll myself up and wear proper wedding attire for this event, in accordance with normal societal etiquette. I offered to wear a dress of his choosing, and -- ugh -- earrings.

However, the groom strongly insisted that I show up online as my true, everyday self. He specified that I should not bathe nor wear makeup, and should attire myself in my usual dirtied T-shirt and sweatpants (which is an accurate characterization of my true, everyday self).

Although the groom and I think this is appropriate, I do worry that others might feel I am being disrespectful of the wedding. One could reasonably argue that jumping in the shower for 10 minutes and perhaps running a comb through my hair should be minimal requirements for a wedding party member.

Should societal default wedding attire (and grooming) supersede the groom’s request?

GENTLE READER: How do you suppose the bridegroom is going to be able to tell whether you had a shower? Online, you will not be sniffable.

Hosts, including at weddings, may set the general level of formality, but not specifics. (You had to ask, didn’t you? And you got an answer.)

But Miss Manners would like to help you get around it. Your instinct, that slovenliness will be perceived as disrespect, is reasonable.

Ask the bridegroom what he is planning to wear, and perhaps you should tactfully check with his betrothed, who may have a different idea. If they declare -- believably -- that they, too, will be unkempt, you should dress down.

Still, a wedding is not an everyday occasion, although it can be an extremely informal one. Surely you can devise a presentable outfit somewhere between dolling up and being dirty. It is you, not the bridal couple, who get to choose what that will be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is the middle of a pandemic a good time to throw a surprise birthday party for a 65-year-old?

GENTLE READER: “Surprise! You have just lost control over whom you will be in close contact with!”

No.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are not having a 50th anniversary party because of COVID. We would like to take a nice trip instead. How do we do this?

GENTLE READER: Presumably you know that Miss Manners is not a travel agent. Therefore, she has to ask herself what could possibly be the etiquette angle of your question.

What comes to mind is not nice: Miss Manners supposes that you would like to get ahold of the cost of any presents you might have received at a party, in order to use the money for travel expenses. She hopes that she is wrong. But if she is right, please stop.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the responsibilities of a bridesmaid?

My wedding was several years ago, but one of my bridesmaids recently contacted me because someone told her that a bridesmaid is supposed to pay for her own dress. At the time of my wedding, I thought it felt odd to ask someone to pay for a dress of my choosing, so I didn’t say anything and paid for all the dresses myself. Though at the time, I certainly would have appreciated the financial help.

Since so much time has passed, I simply thanked my bridesmaid and told her not to worry about the cost of the dress. But it got me thinking about all the other “duties” people claim bridesmaids are responsible for: showers, bachelorette parties, helping the bride with planning, decorations and getting dressed on the big day.

It seems that some of this must be part of the trend of weddings getting out of hand in general. And yet, my own bridesmaids did little more than walk down the aisle and stand there, and I confess I did feel a little neglected at the time. What can a bride reasonably ask of her attendants?

GENTLE READER: To show up at the wedding clothed and sober. At least enough to give the toast.

However, Miss Manners will add to the bride’s responsibilities: not to find ways to harbor newfound resentment years after the fact. While you were not required to pay for the dresses, it was generous. The honor of paying for a dress that will only be worn once is not, in fact, a treat and should be acknowledged, even if not monetarily. Allowing the bridesmaids some choice in the matter would be magnanimous and appreciated.

The long list of things that have become commonplace for the wedding party to pay for includes, but is not limited to: multiple bridal (and sometimes baby) showers with accompanying presents, bachelor and bachelorette parties in far-off tropical places, elaborate and expensive clothing for all such occasions, flights, hotels, and who knows what else. (Although the pandemic has led to charmingly modest weddings, inflated registries seem to have sprung up as compensation.)

Miss Manners has noticed that because of the exorbitant cost, it has also become commonplace to decline the offer, causing rifts in friendships. You might hold on to the warm feelings that seem to have preserved yours by not indulging in feelings of latent neglect and entitlement now.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who endeavors to commemorate my birthday each year, but who generally forgets it. This year, when she realized that it had passed, she harshly scolded me, saying that I should have reminded her -- thus putting the blame squarely on me for her forgetfulness.

I feel as though alerting someone to one’s birthday is self-serving and undignified, making it seem as if attention and presents are being sought. I have no such desires. Nonetheless, I risk the ire of my friend if I do not warn her that it is coming. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Give her a calendar for her birthday.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am to meet with representatives of a company to discuss our hiring them for a project. While reviewing their website, I discovered three typos.

I honestly believe they would want to know of these errors, and frankly, as when you notice food in someone’s teeth, I have a strong urge to tell them. But I fear that mentioning it at the start of the meeting would get things off on the wrong foot, and mentioning it at the end would leave a sour taste. If we hired them, we would be working closely with them on the project. Suggestions?

GENTLE READER: How about the middle? Not only should this company want to have that information, but also it will be a factor in your hiring them to represent you.

Miss Manners suggests, “We are impressed with your credentials and think you are a strong candidate for working with us. However, you should know that we pay close attention to detail, and we did find a few errors on your website, which you will probably want to correct.”

How they handle this candor, and whether they accept -- and act upon -- your feedback, will go a long way toward telling you if this is a company with whom you will want to work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is the rule still in effect that women outrank men socially, unless one has an otherwise higher status? If so, where do nonbinary people (aka enbies) rank? Would I serve female guests first, then enbies, then finally men?

GENTLE READER: This system of ranking does get unnecessarily nosy and complicated in modern society, does it not? In serving situations, Miss Manners therefore suggests switching to ranking by age, starting with the eldest. This may likely garner protests of profiling and reverse ageism, but she trusts that those who are most directly affected will wisely be grateful for the punctual drinks and appropriately temperatured food.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I agreed to be a bridesmaid for my sister-in-law long before the pandemic. If she insists on having the wedding before we’re all vaccinated, and I choose to withdraw my participation, should I also return the bridesmaid’s gift (jewelry) she gave me over a year ago?

GENTLE READER: You should offer it, with your sincerest apologies. If the bride is gracious, she will understand and decline. Either way, Miss Manners suggests that you resist the temptation to accompany the offer with a lecture. However deserved it might be.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I receive a gift card in person from someone, is it proper to just look at the card and acknowledge where it is from? Is it tacky to check the amount? I never quite know what to do, so I just thank the giver for the card without acknowledging the amount.

GENTLE READER: As one should. Sometimes, Miss Manners has found, givers cannot help themselves and will spontaneously blurt out the amount. But if they do not, you can always look it up when you get home to avoid an awkward fumble at the store’s checkout. If you find that it is significantly more than you expected -- and the amount of thanks that you expressed at the time -- you can thank them again when you buy something with it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)